Dear You 2.0
- Miss Abbie
- Soldier
- Posts: 114
- Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 10:55 am
- Location: finding home
Dear you,
I hate the disclaimers some people put on some letters. They are saying what they mean. A disclaimer indicates nothing. Which is to say that I am sorry for having a disclaimer, and also to say that I am sorry for writing this in the first place. It is just that I—I don’t know. I don’t speak very much anymore. Sometimes I think that it wouldn’t make a difference if I lost my voice altogether, except for then I wouldn’t be able to sing.
I wish that my eyes could be cameras. Every day I see so many beautiful things, and I wish I could save them. Maybe I would show other people how wonderful the world is. The students at this school—we live in something like heaven, and almost nobody knows it. I don’t think most of them look at the sky and see splendor. It’s really magnificent, the colors, the shapes. And leaves after it rains and the sound of feet on frosted grass and wind on your face and cold and hot and the sound of everyone else’s singing in chapel, they’re all ignored. It makes me so sad, they’re so gorgeous and no one pays attention. Life, happiness and laughter and boredom and despair and weeping until you can’t weep anymore, they are what it means to live. We think of beautiful as having a good time with friends, giggling, parties or calm walks, that’s what seems beautiful, and sadness is some ugly demon under the bed. Crying, grief is beautiful because it is life/. Everything. I wish I could show the people around me the beauty that I can see in everything. Do they ever see it? Do the spoiled, disgustingly rich kids here ever step back and realize what gifts they have been given?
Which, I suppose, is more disclaimer.
I hate it when I am clearly uncomfortable in a situation and no one cares. I can stand in a doorway and look uncertain about what to do for a half an hour and no one will do anything. All I want is for someone to give me the “come in†look or the “go away†look. All I want is an indication. It just—it feels so awful to walk away and not have anyone know. Sometimes I think that I am invisible. I just can’t control it yet. Maybe by the time I get to college I’ll be able to switch in and out of visible at will. I mean, why else would you so f****** completely ignore a person? And then when people are walking, they ask why I am walking behind them and not with the group, but people—and this never, never fails—walk closer and closer together until I can either hang back or get squished. This is what I mean. Invisible. The same when I get pinched out of a group of people standing in a circle. Is everyone I speak to trying to tell me something? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me?
We never go on walks anymore. I miss that. I miss having someone to talk to and someone who listens and someone who has really worthwhile things to say. I really—it’s so rare that I actually use my voice, anymore, which I suppose is fortunate,
since it is awful. I just wish that whether I speak or not made a difference to anyone
I think that Maddie doesn’t like me. Which is to say that I think she dislikes me. I don’t know if I could possibly come up with anyone more different from me that goes to this school. She wears bright colors and loves being the center of attention and is loud and is always touching you and is a varsity athlete and is always being crazy-energetic and is beautiful. I am the nothing of attention, farther than the periphery where I like to be, I haven’t spoken a word in six hours, I don’t touch anyone, I’m a s***** athlete and I get screwed over by my coaches anyway and I’m very calm to the point where no one at this school has ever seen me angry. Opposites attract my abnormally large bottom.
-Me
I hate the disclaimers some people put on some letters. They are saying what they mean. A disclaimer indicates nothing. Which is to say that I am sorry for having a disclaimer, and also to say that I am sorry for writing this in the first place. It is just that I—I don’t know. I don’t speak very much anymore. Sometimes I think that it wouldn’t make a difference if I lost my voice altogether, except for then I wouldn’t be able to sing.
I wish that my eyes could be cameras. Every day I see so many beautiful things, and I wish I could save them. Maybe I would show other people how wonderful the world is. The students at this school—we live in something like heaven, and almost nobody knows it. I don’t think most of them look at the sky and see splendor. It’s really magnificent, the colors, the shapes. And leaves after it rains and the sound of feet on frosted grass and wind on your face and cold and hot and the sound of everyone else’s singing in chapel, they’re all ignored. It makes me so sad, they’re so gorgeous and no one pays attention. Life, happiness and laughter and boredom and despair and weeping until you can’t weep anymore, they are what it means to live. We think of beautiful as having a good time with friends, giggling, parties or calm walks, that’s what seems beautiful, and sadness is some ugly demon under the bed. Crying, grief is beautiful because it is life/. Everything. I wish I could show the people around me the beauty that I can see in everything. Do they ever see it? Do the spoiled, disgustingly rich kids here ever step back and realize what gifts they have been given?
Which, I suppose, is more disclaimer.
I hate it when I am clearly uncomfortable in a situation and no one cares. I can stand in a doorway and look uncertain about what to do for a half an hour and no one will do anything. All I want is for someone to give me the “come in†look or the “go away†look. All I want is an indication. It just—it feels so awful to walk away and not have anyone know. Sometimes I think that I am invisible. I just can’t control it yet. Maybe by the time I get to college I’ll be able to switch in and out of visible at will. I mean, why else would you so f****** completely ignore a person? And then when people are walking, they ask why I am walking behind them and not with the group, but people—and this never, never fails—walk closer and closer together until I can either hang back or get squished. This is what I mean. Invisible. The same when I get pinched out of a group of people standing in a circle. Is everyone I speak to trying to tell me something? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me?
We never go on walks anymore. I miss that. I miss having someone to talk to and someone who listens and someone who has really worthwhile things to say. I really—it’s so rare that I actually use my voice, anymore, which I suppose is fortunate,
since it is awful. I just wish that whether I speak or not made a difference to anyone
I think that Maddie doesn’t like me. Which is to say that I think she dislikes me. I don’t know if I could possibly come up with anyone more different from me that goes to this school. She wears bright colors and loves being the center of attention and is loud and is always touching you and is a varsity athlete and is always being crazy-energetic and is beautiful. I am the nothing of attention, farther than the periphery where I like to be, I haven’t spoken a word in six hours, I don’t touch anyone, I’m a s***** athlete and I get screwed over by my coaches anyway and I’m very calm to the point where no one at this school has ever seen me angry. Opposites attract my abnormally large bottom.
-Me
If you ever find yourself reading a book entitled The Bible, you will find yourself reading the story of Adam and Eve, whose daring lives led them to put on clothing for the first time to escape from the snake infested garden in which they were living.
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- Toon Leader
- Posts: 2446
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 11:48 pm
- Title: Actually, I'm Fred (and a monster)
- First Joined: 16 Mar 2004
- Location: Singing on Krikkit.
- Contact:
Dear you,
I'm trying, can't you tell?
- me
Dear you,
Strangly enough, it seems right that you're going through this right now. I know it's horrible, bad, and in no way fair, but somehow it fits. I'll see you in a bit. I promise.
- me
I'm trying, can't you tell?
- me
Dear you,
Strangly enough, it seems right that you're going through this right now. I know it's horrible, bad, and in no way fair, but somehow it fits. I'll see you in a bit. I promise.
- me
Member since March 16th, 2004.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
- starlooker
- Commander
- Posts: 3823
- Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 4:19 pm
- Title: Dr. Mom
- First Joined: 28 Oct 2002
- Location: Home. With cats who have names.
Dear You,
Three pieces of wisdom adapted from Mom:
You're getting frustrated. You need to take a break and come back to it.
Yes, I know you're mad at your grade but did you learn the material? That's what it's about.
And finally,
Kirsten Louise, if you'd studied before like I asked you to you wouldn't have this problem, now would you.
Your disappointed self
Three pieces of wisdom adapted from Mom:
You're getting frustrated. You need to take a break and come back to it.
Yes, I know you're mad at your grade but did you learn the material? That's what it's about.
And finally,
Kirsten Louise, if you'd studied before like I asked you to you wouldn't have this problem, now would you.
Your disappointed self
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...
~~Mary Chapin Carpenter
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...
~~Mary Chapin Carpenter
-
- Commander
- Posts: 8017
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 7:32 pm
- Title: Ewok in Tauntaun-land
Not Found
The requested post was not found.
The requested post was not found.
Last edited by Gravity Defier on Wed Dec 13, 2006 9:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.
- Miss Abbie
- Soldier
- Posts: 114
- Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 10:55 am
- Location: finding home
Dear you,
I am writing to ask you why you hate me so much. I wish to remind you that I have never done anything to you. Never. Nothing. It's not as though I treated you with special respect, but I was, you know, as respectful do you as I am to everyone else. Civil, friendly, smile if I pass you in the hall and it's just the two of us, whatever. I understand that you didn't like Darren. I'm sorry about that, he was possibly a good boy. I don't know, he means something to me, somehow, and I hate the fact that you keep talking to me about it. There is nothing that you should be getting out of being an ass.
Does it make you feel better, to be able to make a girl cry? Do you feel like a man now?
I hope you do. I hope it makes you very, very happy that you can make nasty comments and talk sarcastically about slitting wrists and various other comments that would be sly except for the fact that everyone knows exactly what you are saying and why. I also hope that you realize that everyone, everyone at that table would choose me over you. They do, they do every time you sit next to me and pretend to whisper into my ear. You can't possibly miss it. You respond to them, you know. If you really want to continue, fine. I just want you to understand that you aren't doing anything for yourself in terms of, you know, socialness. Friends. Which I suppose brings me back to, uh,
I hope it makes you feel better, making me cry. I hope you do feel like a man.
-Me.
Dear you,
Thank you for coming to see me. Thank you for coming to see me whenever I ask you to. Thank you for missing your favorite television show because I needed someone to talk to. It means the world to me. You are a gift like you don't understand. It seems like so many boys make themselves feel better by upsetting me. It seems like so many people want to see me cry. Thank you for being my little golden retriever puppy. Thank you times a hundred thousand for just being, even with your rambling and pointless stories and endless football analogies.
Thank you, thank you, God, I am so incredibly lucky.
love,
abbie
I am writing to ask you why you hate me so much. I wish to remind you that I have never done anything to you. Never. Nothing. It's not as though I treated you with special respect, but I was, you know, as respectful do you as I am to everyone else. Civil, friendly, smile if I pass you in the hall and it's just the two of us, whatever. I understand that you didn't like Darren. I'm sorry about that, he was possibly a good boy. I don't know, he means something to me, somehow, and I hate the fact that you keep talking to me about it. There is nothing that you should be getting out of being an ass.
Does it make you feel better, to be able to make a girl cry? Do you feel like a man now?
I hope you do. I hope it makes you very, very happy that you can make nasty comments and talk sarcastically about slitting wrists and various other comments that would be sly except for the fact that everyone knows exactly what you are saying and why. I also hope that you realize that everyone, everyone at that table would choose me over you. They do, they do every time you sit next to me and pretend to whisper into my ear. You can't possibly miss it. You respond to them, you know. If you really want to continue, fine. I just want you to understand that you aren't doing anything for yourself in terms of, you know, socialness. Friends. Which I suppose brings me back to, uh,
I hope it makes you feel better, making me cry. I hope you do feel like a man.
-Me.
Dear you,
Thank you for coming to see me. Thank you for coming to see me whenever I ask you to. Thank you for missing your favorite television show because I needed someone to talk to. It means the world to me. You are a gift like you don't understand. It seems like so many boys make themselves feel better by upsetting me. It seems like so many people want to see me cry. Thank you for being my little golden retriever puppy. Thank you times a hundred thousand for just being, even with your rambling and pointless stories and endless football analogies.
Thank you, thank you, God, I am so incredibly lucky.
love,
abbie
If you ever find yourself reading a book entitled The Bible, you will find yourself reading the story of Adam and Eve, whose daring lives led them to put on clothing for the first time to escape from the snake infested garden in which they were living.
-
- Commander
- Posts: 2535
- Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2006 11:22 am
- Title: is real!
- First Joined: 0- 9-2004
Dear you,
I am not your mother. I am not your father. Why do you seem to see me as your protector? Quit trying to hide behind me pretending to be scared. It is not cute. It never has been cute. It never will be cute. You are twice my size. Be the man.
Quit with the noises. The little giggle in your throat that you think no one hears: it sounds paranoid or desperate. Take your pick, please. Saying "aww" in a disappointed manner whenever I mention anything that can remotely be taken negatively about anything at all? Believe it or not, I don't find it amusing, endearing, or charming.
Don't call me any more to complain about your classes. I don't tell you that I'm having problems in anatomy. Well, perhaps that is because I'm not. That doesn't matter. If you did poorly on a test, only complain once, the day you find out. After that, a more sensible use of your time would be to study or actually pay attention in class instead of text messaging me. But mostly, I'm tired of hearing about it. Complain effectively, please. Ineffectual complaining is just whining.
Also, cut your hair, you look like a hobo.
On a positive note, the purple shirt you wore on Monday was very pretty (or would it be handsome?). It made your eyes look kind of purple, too.
Disgruntledly yours,
Me
I am not your mother. I am not your father. Why do you seem to see me as your protector? Quit trying to hide behind me pretending to be scared. It is not cute. It never has been cute. It never will be cute. You are twice my size. Be the man.
Quit with the noises. The little giggle in your throat that you think no one hears: it sounds paranoid or desperate. Take your pick, please. Saying "aww" in a disappointed manner whenever I mention anything that can remotely be taken negatively about anything at all? Believe it or not, I don't find it amusing, endearing, or charming.
Don't call me any more to complain about your classes. I don't tell you that I'm having problems in anatomy. Well, perhaps that is because I'm not. That doesn't matter. If you did poorly on a test, only complain once, the day you find out. After that, a more sensible use of your time would be to study or actually pay attention in class instead of text messaging me. But mostly, I'm tired of hearing about it. Complain effectively, please. Ineffectual complaining is just whining.
Also, cut your hair, you look like a hobo.
On a positive note, the purple shirt you wore on Monday was very pretty (or would it be handsome?). It made your eyes look kind of purple, too.
Disgruntledly yours,
Me
Yay, I'm a llama again!
-
- Speaker for the Dead
- Posts: 2539
- Joined: Thu Sep 28, 2006 12:11 pm
- Title: Stayin' Alive
- First Joined: 17 Aug 2002
- Location: Evansville, IN
Dear you,
I just thought I'd let you know that leaving 20 minutes later than you should and then going 15 mph over the limit with a state police post on your route probably isn't the best strategy to use when trying to get to work on time. In fact, it'll probably make you late one of these days and you're lucky it hasn't yet.
- Yourself
I just thought I'd let you know that leaving 20 minutes later than you should and then going 15 mph over the limit with a state police post on your route probably isn't the best strategy to use when trying to get to work on time. In fact, it'll probably make you late one of these days and you're lucky it hasn't yet.
- Yourself
The enemy's fly is down.
-
- Commander
- Posts: 8017
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 7:32 pm
- Title: Ewok in Tauntaun-land
Not Found
The requested post was not found.
The requested post was not found.
Last edited by Gravity Defier on Wed Dec 13, 2006 9:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.
-
- Toon Leader
- Posts: 2446
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 11:48 pm
- Title: Actually, I'm Fred (and a monster)
- First Joined: 16 Mar 2004
- Location: Singing on Krikkit.
- Contact:
Dear you,
You need to be a little nicer sometimes. I know you mean well, but still, just calm down.
- Me
dear you,
A year and a half.
- me
You need to be a little nicer sometimes. I know you mean well, but still, just calm down.
- Me
dear you,
A year and a half.
- me
Member since March 16th, 2004.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
-
- Launchie
- Posts: 25
- Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 8:41 am
- Location: A small, nothing of a town
- Miss Abbie
- Soldier
- Posts: 114
- Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 10:55 am
- Location: finding home
Dear you,
So.
I heard that you told my absolutely beautiful and funny and sweet ex-roommate that now you know who Darren's true friends are when she came to see him. You told her that you were disappointed in me and you wish I could be like Vivian.
You are not the only one who wants me to be like Vivian. She is perfect and beautiful and beautiful and beautiful and beautiful and she uses me because she can and she is nasty to me because she can and she is beautiful and beautiful and beautiful and she's a good suckup. You're not the only one! I want to be her too. I want people to love me like everyone loves her. i want people to care about me. I want to matter to someone and maybe if I were more like her I would.
You wish I could be like Vivian because she's a true friend. I hate--I hate these labels. They're everywhere. True friend, true Friend, not a friend, I hate them, I hate them, they don't mean anything. They're titles and they make people feel alone. The thing is that the people making the labels are the ones that get good ones. Friend. Best friend. True f****** friend.
And heaven forbid I be angry at anyone. Heaven forbid I say anything but yes, of course and you're absolutely right. You don't want me to be anything but passive Abbie who is always calm and always grinning and bright and respectful and who cares about and cares for your son. The friend who looks out for him and works to make him better. You want me to be the person who lets him disrespect her because she doesn't know any better. You would have wanted me to not care if I had understood how little he respected me. I am supposed to put up with whatever s*** Darren throws at me with a smile and I am supposed to be sweet and loving and I should never be sad or angry.
f*** you! I hate you! I hate everyone! No one will let me be who I am and no one will let me show the feelings that are really there! Why am I not allowed to be as much of a person as everyone else? Why? What is wrong with me? How am I different? I'm not f****** different! I'm a person! I'm a person, I'm a person, I'm a person, I'm a person, I'm real! I have feelings and sometimes I am angry. I am not a doll! Why does no one understand?! Why does no one understand?
So.
I heard that you told my absolutely beautiful and funny and sweet ex-roommate that now you know who Darren's true friends are when she came to see him. You told her that you were disappointed in me and you wish I could be like Vivian.
You are not the only one who wants me to be like Vivian. She is perfect and beautiful and beautiful and beautiful and beautiful and she uses me because she can and she is nasty to me because she can and she is beautiful and beautiful and beautiful and she's a good suckup. You're not the only one! I want to be her too. I want people to love me like everyone loves her. i want people to care about me. I want to matter to someone and maybe if I were more like her I would.
You wish I could be like Vivian because she's a true friend. I hate--I hate these labels. They're everywhere. True friend, true Friend, not a friend, I hate them, I hate them, they don't mean anything. They're titles and they make people feel alone. The thing is that the people making the labels are the ones that get good ones. Friend. Best friend. True f****** friend.
And heaven forbid I be angry at anyone. Heaven forbid I say anything but yes, of course and you're absolutely right. You don't want me to be anything but passive Abbie who is always calm and always grinning and bright and respectful and who cares about and cares for your son. The friend who looks out for him and works to make him better. You want me to be the person who lets him disrespect her because she doesn't know any better. You would have wanted me to not care if I had understood how little he respected me. I am supposed to put up with whatever s*** Darren throws at me with a smile and I am supposed to be sweet and loving and I should never be sad or angry.
f*** you! I hate you! I hate everyone! No one will let me be who I am and no one will let me show the feelings that are really there! Why am I not allowed to be as much of a person as everyone else? Why? What is wrong with me? How am I different? I'm not f****** different! I'm a person! I'm a person, I'm a person, I'm a person, I'm a person, I'm real! I have feelings and sometimes I am angry. I am not a doll! Why does no one understand?! Why does no one understand?
If you ever find yourself reading a book entitled The Bible, you will find yourself reading the story of Adam and Eve, whose daring lives led them to put on clothing for the first time to escape from the snake infested garden in which they were living.
- Virlomi
- Toon Leader
- Posts: 564
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 9:57 pm
- Title: has been eaten by a bear
- Location: New York City
Dear You,
I'm missing you like mad, and this is stupid. Well, parts of it are stupid, and the parts that aren't stupid are being tainted. And I love you. And I need my best friend right now. And I want to hear the things I haven't been hearing. And I want to tell you all of the things that I haven't been able to tell. And I feel so awful right now, and there's only one person in the world I want to talk to. And did I mention that I miss you? And I'm just gonna go to sleep, I guess, because there's not much else to do tonight. Maybe can we clear all of this crap up tomorrow? I can't tell you how much I'd like that. I love you to the moon and back.
-me
I'm missing you like mad, and this is stupid. Well, parts of it are stupid, and the parts that aren't stupid are being tainted. And I love you. And I need my best friend right now. And I want to hear the things I haven't been hearing. And I want to tell you all of the things that I haven't been able to tell. And I feel so awful right now, and there's only one person in the world I want to talk to. And did I mention that I miss you? And I'm just gonna go to sleep, I guess, because there's not much else to do tonight. Maybe can we clear all of this crap up tomorrow? I can't tell you how much I'd like that. I love you to the moon and back.
-me
- Young Val
- Commander
- Posts: 3166
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 7:00 pm
- Title: Papermaster
- First Joined: 12 Sep 2000
- Location: from New York City to St. Paul, MN (but I'm a Boston girl at heart).
- Contact:
dear you,
i am getting by on my disgust of you. this anger, this sense of injustice is fueling me. it cannot possibly continue for very much longer.
i sat at the counter in the diner today and i stared at my eggs, slimy on the plate, the runny, yellow guts of them slithering into my hash browns, beneath the bacon, and i choked back a little bit of nausea. and i choked back a couple days worth of tears. all she had to do was mention your name and instantly over-easy eggs were forever ruined for me. ruined. but i sucked it in. held back. i didn't eat a damn bite, but i made it through the meal without crying over you.
that is how i cross off my days.
there's a calendar in my head with your name scrawled across the top, and every day that i get by without crying gets a big red X through it. it doesn't satisfy me. it's been a full week now since i saw you or heard from you. a full week since you slept with someone else. some girl who is not me. not one email, not one phone call. and not one tear. this doesn't make me feel anything but empty.
i fantasize about seeing you again. where and when and how. all the mechanics of it. the time of day and the weather and what i will be wearing and what you will be wearing. most of the time it happens on the train platform. it's unusually warm outside. but windy. it's early in the morning and you are late for work. i am angry and tell you so. the words are witty and easy. i feel empowered.
i shuffle through songs on my ipod and i try to find one that isn't some how, some way about you. there aren't any.
i am at the point where i understand now, what is really happening to us. what is really happening to me.
you see, i know what i want. i have known for a long time. and i told you as soon as i could. i won't play games with our lives. i want you. i love you. you and me and that's all i need. whatever else, fine. i'll take it. i'll face it.
this is not typical for me. i have never felt this way about anyone before. i do not enter this lightly. i've seen things. i watched. listened. learned. you grow up in a house like mine and you know that love is a risk. you don't take that risk with just anyone. you don't swoon for the first guy you meet. love is messy. and hard. it takes work and patience. it is consuming and inconvenient and scary. it is magical and exciting. it is so many things. too many things to ever list. it is worth it. when you've really got it, it's worth it.
we've got it. it was worth it.
is. was. is.
was.
is...
but i have realized something. and i think it's only fair to tell you. we're not friends. not now. not ever. we've never been friends. we've always been... more. you know we have. we've spoken about it. eleven years and it's as though we were always... waiting. for this. for the time and place when we would be. what we became. i don't believe it's possible to be friends. i don't think we know how. and i don't think we can learn.
you're my BEST friend. but darling, we will never be "friends." and i can't pretend that we will anymore.
everything is still true. i still love you. i still want to be with you. you and me, at the end of all things that's still what i want. i still don't know how i'll ever manage to get by if that isn't what happens some day.
but things have changed now. for a while i thought that i would take you back at a moment's notice. that just can't be true anymore. i can't survive this again. you say one thing, and you do something completely different.
so one of those things is a lie. and whether you're speaking the lie or acting the lie it doesn't really matter. i'm sick of trying to figure out which is which. and i refuse to allow you to lie to me anymore.
it's not enough to say you love me. it's not enough to say you want to be in my life. it's not enough anymore. words are not enough. you have to prove it now.
and i don't mean with a big grand gesture. i just mean with earnestness. with simplicity and persistance. genuinely. honestly. you need to prove it.
yes, honey. it IS a test. i will NOT be the first one to speak. i will NOT give you an easy out anymore. i can't make you be with me if you don't want to. but if you say you want to, well, that's just not good enough anymore. i wish it didn't get to this point, but it has.
what else can i do?
if we got back together now, what good will it do? nothing's changed. you can't expect the outcome to be different if nothing's changed.
i should also tell you that there will come a point when it will be too late.
i have been denying this for a long time. that it would NEVER be too late. that i would NEVER give up on you. that at any time if you came back to me, i would drop everything else and welcome you with open arms.
but it's just not true. even though i want it to be. it CAN'T be true. i'll never survive that way. because what if you never come back? waiting only works if you eventually come back.
we are not at that point yet. with a lot of work (and i mean a LOT. if and when you even want to ever TALK to me again, you will have to EARN that right) i could still let you in.
but someday i'll have to close that door. and lock it. and move the bookshelf in front of it. and go down into the basement and turn all the lights off and put on my headphones.
because it will be unbearable. but someday, if things don't ever change, i'll close that door. and i won't let myself open it ever again.
i have to love myself, too, you know. i know that you love me. and i know that we're right. i believe that. i believe in... people. for each other. destined. soul-mates. fate. whatever. i believe in that. and i believe that we ARE that. but... that doesn't mean anything, fate, destiny, it doesn't matter if you don't want to work for it.
and right now, you say you love me more than anything, but that you just can't work for it right now.
well, i can. but i refuse to be the only one doing it.
the ball is officially in your court.
do with it what you will.
i love you.
-Kel
i am getting by on my disgust of you. this anger, this sense of injustice is fueling me. it cannot possibly continue for very much longer.
i sat at the counter in the diner today and i stared at my eggs, slimy on the plate, the runny, yellow guts of them slithering into my hash browns, beneath the bacon, and i choked back a little bit of nausea. and i choked back a couple days worth of tears. all she had to do was mention your name and instantly over-easy eggs were forever ruined for me. ruined. but i sucked it in. held back. i didn't eat a damn bite, but i made it through the meal without crying over you.
that is how i cross off my days.
there's a calendar in my head with your name scrawled across the top, and every day that i get by without crying gets a big red X through it. it doesn't satisfy me. it's been a full week now since i saw you or heard from you. a full week since you slept with someone else. some girl who is not me. not one email, not one phone call. and not one tear. this doesn't make me feel anything but empty.
i fantasize about seeing you again. where and when and how. all the mechanics of it. the time of day and the weather and what i will be wearing and what you will be wearing. most of the time it happens on the train platform. it's unusually warm outside. but windy. it's early in the morning and you are late for work. i am angry and tell you so. the words are witty and easy. i feel empowered.
i shuffle through songs on my ipod and i try to find one that isn't some how, some way about you. there aren't any.
i am at the point where i understand now, what is really happening to us. what is really happening to me.
you see, i know what i want. i have known for a long time. and i told you as soon as i could. i won't play games with our lives. i want you. i love you. you and me and that's all i need. whatever else, fine. i'll take it. i'll face it.
this is not typical for me. i have never felt this way about anyone before. i do not enter this lightly. i've seen things. i watched. listened. learned. you grow up in a house like mine and you know that love is a risk. you don't take that risk with just anyone. you don't swoon for the first guy you meet. love is messy. and hard. it takes work and patience. it is consuming and inconvenient and scary. it is magical and exciting. it is so many things. too many things to ever list. it is worth it. when you've really got it, it's worth it.
we've got it. it was worth it.
is. was. is.
was.
is...
but i have realized something. and i think it's only fair to tell you. we're not friends. not now. not ever. we've never been friends. we've always been... more. you know we have. we've spoken about it. eleven years and it's as though we were always... waiting. for this. for the time and place when we would be. what we became. i don't believe it's possible to be friends. i don't think we know how. and i don't think we can learn.
you're my BEST friend. but darling, we will never be "friends." and i can't pretend that we will anymore.
everything is still true. i still love you. i still want to be with you. you and me, at the end of all things that's still what i want. i still don't know how i'll ever manage to get by if that isn't what happens some day.
but things have changed now. for a while i thought that i would take you back at a moment's notice. that just can't be true anymore. i can't survive this again. you say one thing, and you do something completely different.
so one of those things is a lie. and whether you're speaking the lie or acting the lie it doesn't really matter. i'm sick of trying to figure out which is which. and i refuse to allow you to lie to me anymore.
it's not enough to say you love me. it's not enough to say you want to be in my life. it's not enough anymore. words are not enough. you have to prove it now.
and i don't mean with a big grand gesture. i just mean with earnestness. with simplicity and persistance. genuinely. honestly. you need to prove it.
yes, honey. it IS a test. i will NOT be the first one to speak. i will NOT give you an easy out anymore. i can't make you be with me if you don't want to. but if you say you want to, well, that's just not good enough anymore. i wish it didn't get to this point, but it has.
what else can i do?
if we got back together now, what good will it do? nothing's changed. you can't expect the outcome to be different if nothing's changed.
i should also tell you that there will come a point when it will be too late.
i have been denying this for a long time. that it would NEVER be too late. that i would NEVER give up on you. that at any time if you came back to me, i would drop everything else and welcome you with open arms.
but it's just not true. even though i want it to be. it CAN'T be true. i'll never survive that way. because what if you never come back? waiting only works if you eventually come back.
we are not at that point yet. with a lot of work (and i mean a LOT. if and when you even want to ever TALK to me again, you will have to EARN that right) i could still let you in.
but someday i'll have to close that door. and lock it. and move the bookshelf in front of it. and go down into the basement and turn all the lights off and put on my headphones.
because it will be unbearable. but someday, if things don't ever change, i'll close that door. and i won't let myself open it ever again.
i have to love myself, too, you know. i know that you love me. and i know that we're right. i believe that. i believe in... people. for each other. destined. soul-mates. fate. whatever. i believe in that. and i believe that we ARE that. but... that doesn't mean anything, fate, destiny, it doesn't matter if you don't want to work for it.
and right now, you say you love me more than anything, but that you just can't work for it right now.
well, i can. but i refuse to be the only one doing it.
the ball is officially in your court.
do with it what you will.
i love you.
-Kel
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
- Miss Abbie
- Soldier
- Posts: 114
- Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 10:55 am
- Location: finding home
Dear you,
You may find it wise to look over your somewhat disgusting work in future days, as I was forced to do on the afternoon of Friday, November 3, 2006, often discovering that the papers were drenched in tears, which made reading them no less painful and much more soggy, and this is to say that your writing is atrocious and I would find myself quite pleased if you began to put the smallest amount of effort into your narratives.
with fondest regards,
abagail
You may find it wise to look over your somewhat disgusting work in future days, as I was forced to do on the afternoon of Friday, November 3, 2006, often discovering that the papers were drenched in tears, which made reading them no less painful and much more soggy, and this is to say that your writing is atrocious and I would find myself quite pleased if you began to put the smallest amount of effort into your narratives.
with fondest regards,
abagail
If you ever find yourself reading a book entitled The Bible, you will find yourself reading the story of Adam and Eve, whose daring lives led them to put on clothing for the first time to escape from the snake infested garden in which they were living.
-
- Soldier
- Posts: 244
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 10:20 pm
- First Joined: 0- 8-2000
- Location: Washington, DC
Dear You,
I appreciate that you intended to take the summer and figure out what you wanted and how you would tell me you are involved; however, had I not brought it up, I sincerely doubt you would have ever broached the subject.
You knew I hate being the other woman. So, rather than tell me, you not only let me continue being the other woman, but you let me continue when I didn't even know? Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to find out that not only are you that teenager who is hooking up with her older coworker, you're that teenage home wrecker?
I knew to what level I was impugning my reputation. You had no right to make it worse without telling me.
I'm not nearly as cynical as I appear. You know that. The questions that nagged me weren't whether you didn't answer my calls because you were in a relationship; I thought better of you than that. It was self-doubt. Maybe you weren't interested in me, maybe you thought I was annoying and couldn't figure out how to get rid of me. I was wrong, and you took advantage of that self-doubt to feed your ego.
You can not make this about being unable to resist someone wanting you. You are the one who made me feel like I was betraying you when I got a boyfriend last August, and you are the one who continued to try things with me at work and in the parking lot when I was not instigating anything anymore. You had control over the situation.
If you have a problem in your relationship, then it's your responsibility to fix it or get out of it. It wasn't fair of you to use me as a patch to fill a part that was lacking.
I'm not going to use my age as an excuse for getting myself into that situation with you, because while I was young, I knew exactly what I was doing. I was in it for the thrill of the chase, and I was in it for the attention. But I wasn't pulling anyone else along with me.
I don't want to talk with you after this. I will, though, because on some level I like to believe that we were friends, and you weren't completely using me. But don't expect me to make the effort to repair this friendship. That's your job.
I appreciate that you intended to take the summer and figure out what you wanted and how you would tell me you are involved; however, had I not brought it up, I sincerely doubt you would have ever broached the subject.
You knew I hate being the other woman. So, rather than tell me, you not only let me continue being the other woman, but you let me continue when I didn't even know? Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to find out that not only are you that teenager who is hooking up with her older coworker, you're that teenage home wrecker?
I knew to what level I was impugning my reputation. You had no right to make it worse without telling me.
I'm not nearly as cynical as I appear. You know that. The questions that nagged me weren't whether you didn't answer my calls because you were in a relationship; I thought better of you than that. It was self-doubt. Maybe you weren't interested in me, maybe you thought I was annoying and couldn't figure out how to get rid of me. I was wrong, and you took advantage of that self-doubt to feed your ego.
You can not make this about being unable to resist someone wanting you. You are the one who made me feel like I was betraying you when I got a boyfriend last August, and you are the one who continued to try things with me at work and in the parking lot when I was not instigating anything anymore. You had control over the situation.
If you have a problem in your relationship, then it's your responsibility to fix it or get out of it. It wasn't fair of you to use me as a patch to fill a part that was lacking.
I'm not going to use my age as an excuse for getting myself into that situation with you, because while I was young, I knew exactly what I was doing. I was in it for the thrill of the chase, and I was in it for the attention. But I wasn't pulling anyone else along with me.
I don't want to talk with you after this. I will, though, because on some level I like to believe that we were friends, and you weren't completely using me. But don't expect me to make the effort to repair this friendship. That's your job.
"I seem to remember that when I was younger, overly sugared brats were sent down into the basement to fend for themselves, like Lord of the Flies."
-
- Speaker for the Dead
- Posts: 5185
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 6:30 pm
- Title: Age quod agis
- First Joined: 04 Feb 2002
- Location: ^ Geez, read the sign.
Dear you,
Thank you for calling. I have always been blessed to know you and you are an amazing person. I miss you so terribly right now and I wish I could walk downstairs to your room and work beside you like we used to. You were always good at motivating me, and I've never given you the credit you deserved for helping me to be a good student. So thanks. I love you dearly.
-- Grateful friend
Dear you,
You are also motivating me right now and helping me not to give up. You should know. I look up to you and right now you are my hero to emulate. Because I need a hero and some inspiration, and a whole load of confidence because grad school is scaring me a lot right now. But you did it so maybe so can I. Right?
-- Scared Swphepwebber
Dear You,
Grrr. You are evil. But you won't win.
-- Me
Thank you for calling. I have always been blessed to know you and you are an amazing person. I miss you so terribly right now and I wish I could walk downstairs to your room and work beside you like we used to. You were always good at motivating me, and I've never given you the credit you deserved for helping me to be a good student. So thanks. I love you dearly.
-- Grateful friend
Dear you,
You are also motivating me right now and helping me not to give up. You should know. I look up to you and right now you are my hero to emulate. Because I need a hero and some inspiration, and a whole load of confidence because grad school is scaring me a lot right now. But you did it so maybe so can I. Right?
-- Scared Swphepwebber
Dear You,
Grrr. You are evil. But you won't win.
-- Me
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII
-
- Toon Leader
- Posts: 2446
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 11:48 pm
- Title: Actually, I'm Fred (and a monster)
- First Joined: 16 Mar 2004
- Location: Singing on Krikkit.
- Contact:
Dear you,
You know me. You know that if you really want this, i'm going to support you. She better be worth it though.
- me
You know me. You know that if you really want this, i'm going to support you. She better be worth it though.
- me
Member since March 16th, 2004.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
-
- Speaker for the Dead
- Posts: 5185
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 6:30 pm
- Title: Age quod agis
- First Joined: 04 Feb 2002
- Location: ^ Geez, read the sign.
Dear you,
Just in case you didn't know, OOTS is updating daily this week. Also, if you need to talk, I'm around.
Just in case you didn't know, OOTS is updating daily this week. Also, if you need to talk, I'm around.
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII
-
- Commander
- Posts: 8017
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 7:32 pm
- Title: Ewok in Tauntaun-land
Not Found
The requested post was not found.
The requested post was not found.
Last edited by Gravity Defier on Wed Dec 13, 2006 9:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.
-
- Speaker for the Dead
- Posts: 5185
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 6:30 pm
- Title: Age quod agis
- First Joined: 04 Feb 2002
- Location: ^ Geez, read the sign.
Dear You,
You're amazing and I love your music and I love your shows. You're also incredibly kind and cool, and I still can't believe you let me record your entire show. And that you want a copy, and gave me your address so I could send you one. You're going to make someone's Christmas very merry this year.
-- Grateful fan
You're amazing and I love your music and I love your shows. You're also incredibly kind and cool, and I still can't believe you let me record your entire show. And that you want a copy, and gave me your address so I could send you one. You're going to make someone's Christmas very merry this year.
-- Grateful fan
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII
- Young Val
- Commander
- Posts: 3166
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 7:00 pm
- Title: Papermaster
- First Joined: 12 Sep 2000
- Location: from New York City to St. Paul, MN (but I'm a Boston girl at heart).
- Contact:
Dear You,
why is it that i believe this morning was not a one-time occurence? why is it that i somehow know that every single morning i will pretend to be Florence on the train platform until i finally hear from you?
there are worse people to pretend to be on the train platform. me and my ipod. i'll be Florence. the Helen Sjöholm version. definitely, definitely, definitely the Helen Sjöholm version.
i might as well get used to it. i'm going to be pretending to be her for 20 minutes every morning for a very long time, it seems like.
-Kel
why is it that i believe this morning was not a one-time occurence? why is it that i somehow know that every single morning i will pretend to be Florence on the train platform until i finally hear from you?
there are worse people to pretend to be on the train platform. me and my ipod. i'll be Florence. the Helen Sjöholm version. definitely, definitely, definitely the Helen Sjöholm version.
i might as well get used to it. i'm going to be pretending to be her for 20 minutes every morning for a very long time, it seems like.
-Kel
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
- Virlomi
- Toon Leader
- Posts: 564
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 9:57 pm
- Title: has been eaten by a bear
- Location: New York City
Dear You,
I don't hate you. I genuinely don't. I'm not sure I would be able to recognize the emotion if I did, but I can't imagine this is it. I think it could be more aptly described as deep and complete disgust. And even though you will never read this, I want you to know here and now that I have never lost more respect for any person in my life. Granted, there are some people who never inspired much respect in the first place... but you were someone I trusted, I admired, I confided in, I stood up for, even loved. I never thought you capable of this. I really didn't think I would ever face something that would genuinely make me stop trusting the world without hesitation, stop wanting to freely confide and share and open myself to people. That was one of the things I most valued about myself. I never thought I would become someone who required coaxing and convincing and persuasion before I would open myself up to someone. But you might just have done it.
I'm not going to mince words here... dispite the fact that you're never going to see this, I want to release into the void the fact that you are a fraud. Completely self-involved, taking out your insecurity by making lists of people you can safely count yourself above, and a fraud. And I trusted you. Which I suppose just makes me an idiot. But I can promise you this... I will never repeat that mistake again. I will never trust you again. I will never let you near my heart again. I may forgive you, in time... but I will never let you close again, so cut out the "why can't we just be friends" crap. You know exactly what you did, so quit pretending to be shocked when I am cold to you. I don't care if you even end up marrying him and I am forced to be in your company constantly. I will smile, I will be civil, I will respect my relationship with him by being respectful to you. But the absolute truth is that I will never, ever trust you again. So get over it, and get away from me. Don't come near me, don't contact me, and when I'm forced to be in your presence in two weeks, don't you dare approach me. The only thing that could possibly enhance my disgust even farther than it already is is the revolting buddy buddy act. So get it through your dyed, fried, and overly hairsprayed head... stay away from me.
-me
I don't hate you. I genuinely don't. I'm not sure I would be able to recognize the emotion if I did, but I can't imagine this is it. I think it could be more aptly described as deep and complete disgust. And even though you will never read this, I want you to know here and now that I have never lost more respect for any person in my life. Granted, there are some people who never inspired much respect in the first place... but you were someone I trusted, I admired, I confided in, I stood up for, even loved. I never thought you capable of this. I really didn't think I would ever face something that would genuinely make me stop trusting the world without hesitation, stop wanting to freely confide and share and open myself to people. That was one of the things I most valued about myself. I never thought I would become someone who required coaxing and convincing and persuasion before I would open myself up to someone. But you might just have done it.
I'm not going to mince words here... dispite the fact that you're never going to see this, I want to release into the void the fact that you are a fraud. Completely self-involved, taking out your insecurity by making lists of people you can safely count yourself above, and a fraud. And I trusted you. Which I suppose just makes me an idiot. But I can promise you this... I will never repeat that mistake again. I will never trust you again. I will never let you near my heart again. I may forgive you, in time... but I will never let you close again, so cut out the "why can't we just be friends" crap. You know exactly what you did, so quit pretending to be shocked when I am cold to you. I don't care if you even end up marrying him and I am forced to be in your company constantly. I will smile, I will be civil, I will respect my relationship with him by being respectful to you. But the absolute truth is that I will never, ever trust you again. So get over it, and get away from me. Don't come near me, don't contact me, and when I'm forced to be in your presence in two weeks, don't you dare approach me. The only thing that could possibly enhance my disgust even farther than it already is is the revolting buddy buddy act. So get it through your dyed, fried, and overly hairsprayed head... stay away from me.
-me
-
- Toon Leader
- Posts: 2446
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 11:48 pm
- Title: Actually, I'm Fred (and a monster)
- First Joined: 16 Mar 2004
- Location: Singing on Krikkit.
- Contact:
Dear you,
Seriously? I mean, you're my best friend... I'm trying, I really am, but then things like that happen and I just want to run. I know I shouldn't have read it, but you shouldn't have left it out here. I'm going to fix everything I read and not tell you about it. I'm going to wait and see if you notice, but i'm not going to be so helpful to you anymore. When I sit and think about everything i've done for you in the past two months it just makes me sick to think you could think that.
Ya know, it never felt like home here, and now it feels even less like the fake home it was.
If you can't tell, i'm angry and hurt.
- me
Seriously? I mean, you're my best friend... I'm trying, I really am, but then things like that happen and I just want to run. I know I shouldn't have read it, but you shouldn't have left it out here. I'm going to fix everything I read and not tell you about it. I'm going to wait and see if you notice, but i'm not going to be so helpful to you anymore. When I sit and think about everything i've done for you in the past two months it just makes me sick to think you could think that.
Ya know, it never felt like home here, and now it feels even less like the fake home it was.
If you can't tell, i'm angry and hurt.
- me
Member since March 16th, 2004.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
-
- Commander
- Posts: 2535
- Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2006 11:22 am
- Title: is real!
- First Joined: 0- 9-2004
Dear You,
I know that I should be angry at you, or even exasperated at your childishness.
I'm not.
Not even a little.
You ignored me for a whole week because I sat next to somone else.
I'm secretly glad that me being cranky made you cranky.
People that let other people walk all over them suck. While you are nowhere near as strong-willed as I am, you are the closest I have ever physically met. And that is the best thing ever.
Stubbornly yours,
Me
I know that I should be angry at you, or even exasperated at your childishness.
I'm not.
Not even a little.
You ignored me for a whole week because I sat next to somone else.
I'm secretly glad that me being cranky made you cranky.
People that let other people walk all over them suck. While you are nowhere near as strong-willed as I am, you are the closest I have ever physically met. And that is the best thing ever.
Stubbornly yours,
Me
Yay, I'm a llama again!
- ValentineNicole
- Soldier
- Posts: 425
- Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2006 4:16 pm
- Title: Femme Fatale
Dear you,
You're still a f****** part of me. I can feel it with every ounce of myself, and it kills me. I want to let you go. You hurt me so badly nowadays. I loved you. I still love you. I want to love again. I want to find someone, love them, and be happy. I want goals. Dreams. A life. You smashed all my hopes for that, and yet, I can't let you go. I still hold out hope that I'll marry you. WHY??? Why can't I just see the inevitable truth? You never loved me for me, did you? You loved who I was for you. You loved the perfectly molded Nicole that I became for you.
I don't even know who I am anymore. I lived my life to please you, and now I can't even f****** figure out who I am. I can't go a day without crying. Please, God, just let me go a day. Just one day without pain, without tears.
Why did you do this to me? Why wouldn't you take me back? I was willing to take you back. Was I that disposable? That easy to replace? That horrible, that I left that many voids?
I can't be better. I already tried to be everything I could. There are things I can fix, but I have to learn to be me.
Please just love me?
But no. Don't.
I don't even know WHAT I want anymore. I just want to feel something. I want to go to the movies with my best friend and my boyfriend and not sit in the backseat the whole time debating jumping out of the car. When they take me out to CHEER ME UP.
I want to be happy. I hate this numb feeling I get. I hate not knowing who I am. How did you do this to me?
You were PERFECT. In my eyes, you were perfect. Everything I needed, everything I wanted. You were mine, and I was yours.
What happened?
Why can't we be friends, even? We were friends, first.
You were my first love. My first for a lot of things, really..
That MEANS something to me. I'm trying so damn hard to let you go, BUT I CAN'T. I'm just moving through life, doing the actions at this point.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME????
No...that's not fair.
What have *I* done to me? Who have I become? Why can't it just all stop??
Love,
Me.
Dear you,
I care for you deeply. You're my best friend at this point.
I depend on you too much. I call too often. I see you every single day.
You said yourself you dont know me yet.
I don't know me either.
Do I know you?
I drink too much. I get too defensive about taking care of myself. I don't listen about food, about anything. I see the flaws that hurt you. I want to fix them.
You have flaws, too. I can't tell if its logical to blame you for your imperfections though. I can't make you into my ex. You aren't him.
My feelings are being displaced; I know that much. I care too much about you, to doubt my feelings as much as I do when I'm alone.
How can I fix this?
CAN I fall for you? Can I make myself love you, the way you love me?
Are you even attracted to me? Sorry if that's blunt, but I worry. I worry with the way you look at other girls; with the way you never fully undress me; with the way you talk about me. I'm attractive, I know that much. I cause plenty of attention wherever I go to really doubt that anymore. Even if half of it is just my personable nature and my charm, I turn heads. I can essentially make anyone I want interested. Maybe I'm cocky. Whatever, it works.
So why am I always wondering if you think I'm really as beautiful as you say? You always say you love my face. I believe that.
But I'm not sure about my body...
Just something I needed to get out, I suppose.
Your girlfriend,
Me.
You're still a f****** part of me. I can feel it with every ounce of myself, and it kills me. I want to let you go. You hurt me so badly nowadays. I loved you. I still love you. I want to love again. I want to find someone, love them, and be happy. I want goals. Dreams. A life. You smashed all my hopes for that, and yet, I can't let you go. I still hold out hope that I'll marry you. WHY??? Why can't I just see the inevitable truth? You never loved me for me, did you? You loved who I was for you. You loved the perfectly molded Nicole that I became for you.
I don't even know who I am anymore. I lived my life to please you, and now I can't even f****** figure out who I am. I can't go a day without crying. Please, God, just let me go a day. Just one day without pain, without tears.
Why did you do this to me? Why wouldn't you take me back? I was willing to take you back. Was I that disposable? That easy to replace? That horrible, that I left that many voids?
I can't be better. I already tried to be everything I could. There are things I can fix, but I have to learn to be me.
Please just love me?
But no. Don't.
I don't even know WHAT I want anymore. I just want to feel something. I want to go to the movies with my best friend and my boyfriend and not sit in the backseat the whole time debating jumping out of the car. When they take me out to CHEER ME UP.
I want to be happy. I hate this numb feeling I get. I hate not knowing who I am. How did you do this to me?
You were PERFECT. In my eyes, you were perfect. Everything I needed, everything I wanted. You were mine, and I was yours.
What happened?
Why can't we be friends, even? We were friends, first.
You were my first love. My first for a lot of things, really..
That MEANS something to me. I'm trying so damn hard to let you go, BUT I CAN'T. I'm just moving through life, doing the actions at this point.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME????
No...that's not fair.
What have *I* done to me? Who have I become? Why can't it just all stop??
Love,
Me.
Dear you,
I care for you deeply. You're my best friend at this point.
I depend on you too much. I call too often. I see you every single day.
You said yourself you dont know me yet.
I don't know me either.
Do I know you?
I drink too much. I get too defensive about taking care of myself. I don't listen about food, about anything. I see the flaws that hurt you. I want to fix them.
You have flaws, too. I can't tell if its logical to blame you for your imperfections though. I can't make you into my ex. You aren't him.
My feelings are being displaced; I know that much. I care too much about you, to doubt my feelings as much as I do when I'm alone.
How can I fix this?
CAN I fall for you? Can I make myself love you, the way you love me?
Are you even attracted to me? Sorry if that's blunt, but I worry. I worry with the way you look at other girls; with the way you never fully undress me; with the way you talk about me. I'm attractive, I know that much. I cause plenty of attention wherever I go to really doubt that anymore. Even if half of it is just my personable nature and my charm, I turn heads. I can essentially make anyone I want interested. Maybe I'm cocky. Whatever, it works.
So why am I always wondering if you think I'm really as beautiful as you say? You always say you love my face. I believe that.
But I'm not sure about my body...
Just something I needed to get out, I suppose.
Your girlfriend,
Me.
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