Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[Eddie Pinz]

Bob,

I feel that I may have made a grave mistake last night. Let's see how this turns out.

[Mich]

Dear Bob:

After waiting three days for warranty to e-mail me back, I called them at Asus. The Indian-accented guy I talked to was very nice, easy to talk to, laughed at my pathetic jokes, and is sending me a box to ship my laptop to them. The only problem is that I absolutely positively need my laptop for the 24th. My capstone/senior project presentation is being held then, to coincide with the Moscow Jazz Festival, and my laptop is the only computer we have that runs our project smoothly. Luckily, the problem it's having is entirely in the screen, so if I hook it up to an external monitor it's fine, but if warranty takes too long to replace it, or too long for the box to get here, I'm going to screw us over quite a bit.

If only they were like Apple, and would send me a lender along with the warranty box, I would be happy as the proverbial clam.

Your troubleshooter,
Jeff

[Eddie Pinz]

Dear Bob,

It has only been a couple days and the shadiness has started already. Why did I put myself in this position? Oh, right, because I'm an idiot.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Let the record show, this year is not last year for more than just the obvious reasons.

That dream, much like my expectations and hopes with regards to that one thing, are a crock of s***.

My hope, with regards to my reaction, is that this is thanks to my screwed up sleep schedule these past...however long it's been. I am probably wrong but I have a great imagination. At least the worst of it should be over by the 22nd. I just may dread the 21st more than the 14th.

[Wil]

Sup Bob,

Tonight went well enough. What with this being the first time I would see Amber since I sent her an email telling her to stop playing her s***** ignore-and-not-be-in-same-room-as-Wil games, and the first time I would see my cousin since my she did her Facebook drama thing.

Right out of the gate, Amber was talking to me. Sitting next to me with no problem. Joking with me. Awesome. In fact, even more awesome, I found myself not attracted to her as I was before, which is.. good I think.

That is, until we're playing a game where someone made an offhand joke about Amber and myself. I bet the look I gave him could have killed. Ever have one of those moments where something happens, something you didn't expect, and time is moving slowly but fast at the same time? Like, your mind is racing, trying to process what just happened, but it seems to take an eternity for it to make up its mind, but before that can happen all you can do is make this kind of nervous laugh? Yeah.

It's actually kind of funny how often people joke about us two dating. Four or five separate people on many occasions have joked about it. I'm assuming the joking is just that, a joke. And not the kind of joking where you're saying something you actually think is true but do it in the form of a joke so you can play it off later.

(Sidenote: The morning after I sent my cousin an apology, and she replied back, she requested to be friends again.)

Anyways, when my cousin arrived she came in to the room I was in and said "HEY FACEBOOK FRIEND". I just blankly stared at her, and she then said, "Yeah, I was just PMSing really bad that day.", and left. I guess things are okay now. *shrugs*

Oh, and Bob, did I mention how sensitive to artificial s*** I am now? Premixed Margarita must have some s***** preservatives or HFCS or something, because every time I drink the stuff I get the nastiest headaches. I feel better taking moonshine shots the morning after than I do drinking s***** alcohol mix. I think I'll have to pass on drinking when the alcohol is s***** from now on.

ETA: Didn't mean to say s*** that much. But I really hate artificial additives now that my body is detoxed from 20 years of living with it every day.

Good night.

[human.]

Bob..

What did I do tonight?

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I'm so easy to crush.

Honestly, I just need to make it to tomorrow. If the day would stop crawling by...

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

So, yesterday, we were pretty lazy. Got each other cards, and he got me a box of chocolate, and we went to lunch at a kind of cruddy restaurant because it didn't have a line to wait in, and then we watched sappy movies all afternoon, except when we were calling families.

While we were out shopping, he bought me Up, which I had been wanting to see, as my Valentine's Day present.

I don't think I'm allowed to ever watch that movie again. (Either that, or I'm going to sit down one day and watch it over and over again until I become immune to it.) I expected to cry, understand. I'd read the reviews. Everyone I knew told me they'd cried. So, I expected that. Had tissues at the ready.

I did not expect to cry that much. Oh, thank God I did not see it in the theater. I have not cried that much over a movie since I was 18. I mean, BAWLED. Not throughout, but through a good bit of it. And my fiance kept pausing it to make sure I was okay, which did not help, I had to keep telling him, "Go on, go on, so we can get to a part that won't make me cry." And then I bawled for 15 minutes afterwards. With sporadic crying the rest of the night. Romantic, no?

Blegh. I hate grief-related things. I hate anticipatory grief, too.

[Eddie Pinz]

Dear Bob,

What started as a very good week, ended terribly bad. Pretty much from late Saturday/extremely earlier Sunday up until now. It just reinforces the fact that I need to get away. I do have a trip planned in September. Another one possible for late March. And a third that I should get off of my ass and start planning. I am just really out of motivation right now. This week should be better, but we will see how that goes.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

Overall, I'm pretty happy now. And by happy, I really mean complacent. Carefully disguised complacency, right? I like my new job, I feel like it's going to be a really good place for me for a while, and that means I'll be more than financially stable. Weights lifted off my shoulder. And really, with a job to occupy 40 hours of my week, I respect and enjoy my down time a lot more, even though I spend it alone. I'm okay with myself, with my life, alone.

That doesn't mean I'm not lonely, though. I still incessantly check my computer screen hoping to see somebody reaching out to me. I still browse whatever local personals I can find, though I refuse to pay for anything and the constant lack of success has stopped me from making any real efforts there. Almost daily I search for local events and social gatherings that might be of interest to me. I'm okay with myself enough not to force myself to be something I'm not just to get someone, and I've just not found somewhere to do myself. That being said, I did sign up to play beach volleyball on a work team...

I'm doing what I can to get better. I do feel better, I feel like I'm in a better place now and I feel like on my way to better. But I'm not there yet.

[Jayelle]

Bob,

Two more schools heard from. Two more rejections. That brings it to three out of ten.
I'm trying not to be disheartened, but I'm scared that Paul won't get accepted to any schools and we'll be at complete loose ends for at least a year.

*sigh*

This sucks. Especially since one of the schools that rejected him was my hometown, so now there's no chance we'll move near to my parents and sister.

JL

[Luet]

Dear Bob,

Just when I think I'm really starting to get over it all...some little thing happens and it sends me back into that same place.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I feel lame for all that will follow so no judging.

I'm watching my relationship with Brat turn into every other I've had like it, the gradual slip out the door I've come to know so well. I told him, when poorly trying to articulate the pattern I saw, that holding him up to anything pre-June 2009 was unfair, so I'll start with June. I won't make any effort to be clear about Time Zones, FYI.

Work had just started but as much as was possible, old habits were still being followed. Get off work at 5, by 5:30, 5:45 there he was. Like before, he wasn't plastered to the screen from that point until bed -and neither was I- but he was signed on, giving that weird comfort...much like being in the silent company of a close friend. Of course, unless he was really pushing it, there was no more late nights -midnight or one, tops- but that too was for the best, as far as I was concerned. I too had places to be early the next morning. There was an occasional late arrival but again, that wasn't abnormal. And weekends, he was there come Saturday (so that I talked to him on a lunch break or two) and he was there Sunday morning.

The Sunday mornings were the first to go. It became Sunday afternoons. Not longer after the Saturdays started getting later. By mid-July, early August I want to say, Fridays were a thing of the past. No more "I was invited but I chose to stay here." Not even the go out,come back drunk and then drunk messaging, telling me what he had consumed that evening at the very least. I never thought I'd say "I miss" and "drunk" in the same message but there you are. "It's alright," I told myself. "He still comes around Saturday nights." I don't know when those stopped but they have. I watched the Monday - Thursday creep up. That 5:30 arrival turned into 7, 7:30, which turned into 9, 9:30, and 10.

Where once he expressed a sadness/regret if we went a day without something (evidenced by his unnecessary but entirely sweet tendency to apologize for being unavailable), surprise if I hadn't left a novel waiting for him, interest by asking me to share things that couldn't have been that interesting at all, support by telling me he would lose sleep if I needed to talk...now all that is left is, well, not that.

We didn't talk? No big deal. He had nothing to say, couldn't muster up any sort of reply to my attempts, and will walk the moment I start trying to explain why I'm upset by the change that he can't see for some reason, that only I can see.

The "You think I don't like your crazy?", that was playful and supportive, turned into the hurtful, "I used to think all my friends were sane but now I'm not sure."

What gets to me is the back and forth, the inconsistency. He was his old, pre-June self when I got back from Chicago and stayed that way until the first week of January. Now he's turning into the [not nice word] from June-September again. So why can't I be strong, for once? He's already disappearing, so why not help him out a bit faster? Tomorrow marks a year from a special day. I feel the worse-than-Valentine's-Day-pain already.

[megxers]

Dear Diary,

I think the happiest I've been this past year has been sitting alone on the beach in a coastal town that wasn't home, knowing that in an hour or so, I would see him, and we would walk across his campus, down his streets and slip into his world for once. And that we would talk, and be awkward in the library and he would be unequivocally supportive of the things I try to find in myself to be.

That was over 7 months ago.

[Jeesh_girl15]

Dear Bob,

I'm trying not to jump on others for calling you "whoever" or "diary".

So, it's lent, and I've decided on giving up ice cream and trying to study more. It's not that I get bad grades from not studying, but I know I could do better. I'm also hoping I'll get into a habit of studying, cause it's not going to be long before I'll start needing to study. And ice cream is difficult... I need it for my cake!
But, of course, those won't help me grow in faith much, so I've also decided to pray for help everyday... And to think about how my actions will affect others before I do anything that I might regret.
So, Bob, pray for me. I have a feeling I'll be different by Easter. Hopefully...

[buckshot]

Dear Bob' For Lent I'm diverting the monies normally spent on contraband cigars and top shelf boose to the wounded warrriors fund. Just till Easter

[Rei]

Yee... this reminds me that I was going to do a chapter of Wheelock every day of Lent as soon as we finished moving (40 chapters, 40 days -- it works out nicely). Which we have finished. Guess I'd better get on that... >_>

[Mich]

Dear Bob:

This is crazy. My roommate knows Epic Beard Man, aka Vietnam Tom, aka the old guy that beat up the black guy on the bus. She once took a 36-hour train ride and he was in the same compartment with her or something. They kind of became friends, mostly because she enjoys befriending people with really grating personalities. Then I showed her the video and she started freaking out about how she knows him, said his name was Tom, which I then confirmed at the speed of the internet.

That's just crazy.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

A coworker made something at our workshop today that another coworker walked around the giganto room showing to people from the other libraries. It tickled me a pinkish-purple to hear they assumed it was mine, though I readily and easily admitted I hadn't done it. It was enough of a compliment for them to connect me to not only artsy stuff but awesome artsy stuff.

[Peterlover14]

Dear Bob,

I wish it could work out.

[Sonikku13]

Dear Bob.

Have been anticipating taking the AMC12 since... January. Anticipation was high, and I took the AMC12 today. Looks like failure after heavy anticipation leads to devastation, which set in after school, knowing I won't score 100 or more. Just don't know when my bad beats will end... I'm always one question short or stuff like that, and it hurts morale.

From Sonic.

[Gravity Defier]

Hey, Bob.

It was the doorbell that woke me up today -that roused me unwillingly out of bed at any rate. We had a staff development day Monday, my typical "Sunday" these days, and so I was owed a day off. Yes, I do have to go back to work tomorrow before my weekend actually starts.

The dog has been barking non-stop for the past 15 minutes at the very least. There are men in the backyard attempting to fix the underground electrical line that ceased working about a month ago, that cut power for only my house, so that we've had an unsightly line running from our box to the neighbor's, lest we live powerless all this time. I'm getting a headache from the noise.

Word has come down from the higher up (Mother): Booty Poodle (short story behind this but it's her man-friend, to be clear) is actually moving in next week. With my blessing, but also without it. I've spent the last few days in the living room as much as possible, so that I'll know what I'm missing out on, I guess.

More fuel for the "I'm a freak" fire, whenever I've lived with anyone not my mother, father, or brothers -and only all my brothers up until I left for college, then it became only the little brother- I've been uncomfortable sharing a living space. Unless invited, if they occupy a space first -we'll say living room- I will not stay in it. If I occupy a space first and they join me, I'll wait what I consider an acceptable amount of time and then leave.

Him moving in is going to cut my space down to nothing. My room, my bathroom.

I have 14 months until I am free (Countdown #1). Can you believe it, 22 have passed? I have gotten good enough at not actively remembering it every day, all while living by the rules set in place by it. No driving. No going anywhere unattended unless it's something I need to get myself to; then make sure someone knows when I'm expected there and where "there" is. A hellish house arrest and now my cabin fever will be worse, losing the living room. Losing my mom, really. She'll be there but the dynamics will have changed. I'll be alone in a brand new way.

Why'd I give my blessing, then? It was with the hopes that he'll stick around a very long time, so that when I'm ready to move out (Countdown #2: 2 years, 2.5 weeks), she won't be left entirely alone. It's a gamble. Things can go wrong, he can leave her. But I'm banking on that not happening. I'm already struggling to maintain a certain happiness under the conditions that most people seem to have forgotten I'm in; what could it hurt to be just a little more miserable, to have just a little more effort needed to climb out of that hole?

I have been happier overall this year, as hard as that may be to believe. I have an awful long way to go -sometimes it feels like I won't make it or that I'm doing it alone- but I push through those feelings as best as I can and you know, I think it's working. I'll never win the Little Miss Sanity award, let alone the Little Miss Sunshine, but I'm on my way to a me I like a lot better. Better than what? I don't know. The me I've been, I guess.

Or is that first line of the last paragraph BS or maybe not BS but inaccurate, all the same? I've had more happy moments that sometimes string together nicely. Or I've been able to recognize happy moments more easily.

I don't know. Such is the curse of living in my head. I can so easily argue for and against any one thing. I can convince myself in one moment This is the Truth and then something will happen that enables me to do a 180 and convince myself That is the Truth.

One thing I can tell you for sure is that hearing "I understand" is like a drug to me right now. It doesn't need to be accompanied by "I agree" to work. It can even be "I don't understand but I would like to." Hearing those things is like sleep after an all-nighter or food after a fast.

Hell.

When I'm able to move back into the meatspace world, be it here in AZ or in IL, please, please let me find people who are okay with me -all of me- and my need for a small-scale, intimate, and relatively quiet life...sprinkled with the whimsical, of course. And when they say I'm crazy or a freak, let it be with a smile on their face and warm-fuzzies in their heart. Most importantly, let us be equals. I've had more than my fair share of nonreciprocating relationships.

Enough letting myself out of the cage to complain and dream. Back in I go.

THIS NONSENSE BROUGHT TO YOU BY OUR SPONSORS: LOST&CONFUSED

[Jayelle]

Hey Bob,

Another fraking rejection letter for my husband.

Damnit.

JL

[Jeesh_girl15]

Bob,

I miss you and all the other crazies here.

[steph]

Bob,

It's one week from tomorrow. I'm not really sure how I feel.

I'm so ready to be done with heartburn, to get these feet out of my ribs and sleep on my stomach again. I'm excited to use all the cute clothes and blankets I have all organized in her room. I'm looking forward to seeing Tyler meet her for the first time, since he loves on my belly everyday because he's SO excited to have a baby sister.

BUT: For some reason I'm scared of the c-section this time. I wasn't the other 2 times, but I'm really nervous about it. I also don't know if I can handle 3 kids. The boys have both been acting up in anticipation and I can barely deal with them right now. How am I supposed to deal with 3? I'm also scared of my emotional state for the next 6 months. I've been so even keel this pregnancy (until about 2 weeks ago, that is). With my other 2, I've been a wreak for 6 months birth. I'm hoping and praying that since a girl pregnancy has been different, maybe girl postpartum won't be as bad, especially if I can get breastfeeding going sooner with a better supply, but I don't really have good odds of that happening. I'm going to miss being happy, like I have been since September.

It's not like I really have a choice in this happening or not. It's going to happen in a week, and I'll have to deal with whatever comes. But I'm praying that it can be the best-case scenario this time. Or if not the best-case, at least not the worst-case. I'd settle for somewhere in the middle. (Preferably pointing toward the best, though.)

[buckshot]

Bob, My youngest girl Maddie is selling campfire candy again ! And i've got the worst sugar buzz!

[Petra456]

Bob,

My Lulamay is losing hair at the bottom of her her back : ( She doesn't have fleas and I really don't think it's her diet (what a lot of pages on the internet told me it could be)... I'm really hoping it was just stress and that it'll mellow out in the next week. I feel so bad for her.

: (

[Luet]

Bob,

Things are still sucking pretty bad. I'm sick again, just to add to the misery. And my SIL is turning to an old friend for support, who just happens to be the girl that married the guy who abused me. I can't blame her but it still feels like a punch in the gut. Why do crisis have to be so complicated?

[Eaquae Legit]

*hugs* I'm sorry, Luet.

[locke]

today at work sucked. I didn't tell anyone there. I didn't tell my dad when I talked to him. It was so dejecting and everytime I wanted to comment on soemthing via bbm to Amanda it was like a new sucker punch as I realize I don't have anyone to talk to anymore, so to speak.

this is going to be really really hard for me. when the electric kettle and coffee grinder arrived today (I ordered them on monday so I'll be able to make coffee at my apartment, basically for her on the weekends) it was not a good thing for me mentally. The funny thing is, when I bought the French Press a week ago, and when I bought the other stuff on monday a little voice kept saying, "you're so stupid stupid stupid to spend all that money, she's just going to break up with you, look at all that familiar behavior you've been seeing." and I would just tell myself to shut up, that my past experiences were coloring my perceptions of her unfairly. it was all circumstantial right. Besides there was a mountain of counter evidence that she was there and going to be there for a while. And really wanted to be with me. Up until about two weeks ago I think she wanted to be with me possibly more than I wanted to be with her. even four weeks ago when I felt things start to sound a bit off key internally it was easy enough to shrug off.

now all of a sudden it's "I want to find out who I am by myself." and "I need time to be alone and single on my own for a while." and a bunch of other stupid copout bullshit I've hear three or four times before. Every f****** girl has the same f****** excuse and dumps me the same goddamn way every time, at pretty much the same point in the relationship and I"m f****** fed up with it and want to know why!

cursed is what I am.

[steph]

Dear Bob (and all pweb),

Brian came down with a virus today. I don't know yet whether it's a cold or the flu, but either was is not cool. We are having a baby in 3 days and if he's sick, I can't have him at the hospital with me. Please, please, please, send prayers, good thoughts/karma our way. We need it BIG time! Thanks!

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

While at work, I stumbled upon this article/blog entry about the relationship between small talk vs. meaningful conversations and happiness. Although it's important to note something about the science of it all and how it is impossible to say with certainty that the experiment proves a surplus of small talk leads to unhappiness (especially given I've only read this blog and not the actual findings), I should point out I'm not as scientifically correct as I should be and will thus be approaching this from an "intuitive" (read: this is how it feels to me) angle.

The entirety of my job involves small talk. When I work the circulation desk, it's nothing but plastering on a smile, talking about the weather, talking about the city, straightening out problems, educating/informing, wishing them well after asking them how they were without expecting (or wanting) or even waiting for a sincere response. Meetings with coworkers are your standard "here are the facts, let's come to a consensus" conversations that may be peppered with jokes but it doesn't get personal. Even the talks that do tend towards the personal hardly ever go in depth; it's more a passing nod that yes, we do have lives -in a manner of speaking- outside of work.

I try, desperately, to have meaningful (to me) conversations with the friends I have left but they don't seem to want them or the ones that do allow me to have them seem to steer them towards something lighter much sooner than I'd like and I get tired of fighting against the current. Most frustrating of all is that my closest friend currently has just informed me that he'd rather not be a close friend to me at all and it couldn't be more apparent. I used to delude myself into thinking he cared even a little about my day, my stories, my life but he really doesn't and so I don't tell anyone. Day in and day out, I want to have meaningful conversations and it seems the only person I can turn to is Bob, a non-responsive non-person. I am screaming on the inside for anyone to take me and my thoughts seriously. I feel really alone, even when I'm talking to people. A lot of times especially when I'm talking to people.

I want someone to tell me their insecurities and fears and wishes and dreams and thoughts and let me do the same and let's not let everything in the world distract the two of us or come before each other. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find someone to do that with, where it feels natural and unforced? There is a certain magic that is difficult to capture and that's why I end up with so much small talk; that's all that ever feels comfortable. *sigh* Even though the loneliness is pretty constant, I'm hoping the internal screaming dies down soon enough. I can't get any peace in my own head lately.

[megxers]

Bob,

3 months. I can do 3 months. I sure as **** can't do 4 though. My apartment is disgusting at the moment but I just don't even care. When I'm at work, I'm okay, because I really do get along with my co-workers, but when I'm spending so.much.time by myself, I just get lost in my head.

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,

They "respectfully decline" to meet with me for an interview.

I am having a f****** panic attack.

[Eddie Pinz]

Dear Bob,

President Obama is at my (former) college today. The only response that I have to this is, "Really??? What the f***?".