Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[daPyr0x]

Dear Bob,

All did not go as planned.
He is currently paralyzed on his left side (though it is possible for that to subside)
They could not remove the entire tumour. It will regrow.
They don't think radiation or chemo can help.

Essentially, their words were to "get our affairs in order"

He was giving up. He had accepted what was happening and was just going to stop there. We wouldn't let him. We made him promise to fight, to do whatever it took.

And in turn we promised that he would not die in a hospital bed, that if he was to die, it would be in his home.

I don't think anyone here expected the surgery to come out like this. Maybe we all were looking through rose-coloured glasses, maybe the doctors positive talking worked, who knows...
but 3 days ago I wrote this in my LJ "To be totally honest, (and don't tell anyone here this,) I....really...don't think my dad has much longer. I don't really know why, I just don't."

Sucks to be right sometimes. Funny how often I am, though...

Bob, just help my little brother? I can't hold his hand through this as much as I'd like to and I don't know how he's going to cope. Please don't let this change him. Please don't suck him into a poor reliant relationship just because he can't cope on his own (*cough*)? Please don't let him turn to drugs or alcohol to help? Please....let him stay the good Christian boy that makes me so proud, even though I never say it.

"And let us pray for those in our congregation who are ill, such as Ted - my father" "Oh merciful father, hear our prayer"

That's my 15 yr old brother, as assistant minister, reading part of one of the prayers at last sunday's church service. I don't care what beliefs you might have, that makes me extremely proud - that he is that strong about the religion on his own power, that he can say that, everything.

Just don't let this change him. Don't let it make him pull away, somehow blaming God for it. Don't let it pull him into negative coping methods... Just help him, somehow.

I don't think I've ever told him I loved him, or ever heard him say it to me, until tonight.
And I don't remember ever saying it to my dad, until tomorrow morning when I get there...

--Cam

[Petra456]

Dear Bob,

Ever have that feeling that you know something is going to go wrong? I hate that when things are going pretty well for once, i'm always bracing myself for something to go wrong. It's just, it all suddenly got good at once. My parent's health, my job, friends and type people. Believe me, it's a good feeling, I just keep thinking i'll wake up and *poof* it'll all be back to how it was just a couple months ago.

I want to be able to settle on this feeling, because really, it feels nice.


And on a completely different subject, I still haven't called the dentist. I found my insurance card, I went online and found a list of dentists I can go to in my area, I just haven't called. My mouth is in so much pain, but I just haven't worked up the courage to call the stupid dentist.

*sigh*

- Nicole

[wizzard]

Dear Bob,

Apparently I couldn't actually stay away. I miss my connection to "the real world" (i.e. the world outside the bubble that is a college town). I miss the familiar interactions (even if I was rarely involved). So I guess it's back to lurking, and occasionally popping my head up when EL posts something interesting about language.

[Virlomi]

Yay!

You know you can't resist us, Ethan. We're like Pringles.

[wizzard]

Salty and delicious?

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

He got 9 months. I expected more. Part of me hoped for more.

She got reported to CPS.

She has a test on Tuesday; she'll fail.



The courts may take my nieces away.




I'm sad and scared for my babies.

[Virlomi]

Salty and delicious?

Once you pop, you can't stop.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

You know what the last thing I want to be worrying about while I'm here helping my family cope with everything is?

Money.

Those stupid motherfuckers that employ me STILL owe me that $1,200. On top of that, the toll highways just pulled another $100 off me that I wasn't expecting (it all gets put on those expense checks I never get, too); AND because I'm not working much the past 2 weeks, I'm entitled to an incredibly small paycheck....a week from now.

In other words, I'm f****** broke. Not because I manage my money poorly, but because those stupid mother f****** don't give me the f****** money they owe me. I'm f****** pissed off because I'm the guy that keeps the insignificant (at the moment) stressors like money away from my family members...and now here I am with $6 to last me until next friday

Argh.

[Yebra]

[blank]

[Firegirl]

Dear Bob,
I went to my old house today, the one I moved out of in November. It was rough, too many memories and stuff, good, bad, and ugly. My mom was almost crying and I am exhausted physically, so it was hard for me to move boxes. That was frustrating as usually I am fairly strong and able to lift heavy objects, but not today. Life goes on and I am mentally and emotionally stronger than that. I guess that I will have to be like Sisyphus and keep on rolling that blasted rock up that blasted hill. I just wish that I had more normal days, instead of seperating them out into good days and really bad days. My art class got cancelled tomorrow, on one hand I get to sleep in, but on the other hand I really, really, really enjoy creating art. Oh well.
seeking many things,
firegirl

[Virlomi]

Dear Bob,
Today I saw a boy and I wondered if he noticed me,
he took my breath away.

Dear Bob,
I can't get him off my mind
and it scares me 'cause I've never felt this way.

No one in this world knows me better than you do,
so Bob, I'll confide in you.

Dear Bob,
Today I saw that boy as he walked by I thought he smiled at me,
and I wondered

does he know what's in my heart?
I tried to smile, but I could hardly breathe.
Should I tell him how I feel
or would that scare him away?
Bob, tell me what to do,
please tell me what to say.

Dear Bob,
One touch of his hand,
now I can't wait to see that boy again.

He smiled,
and I thought my heart could fly.

Bob, do you think that we'll be more than friends?
yeahea yeahea yea oh

I've got feeling we'll be so much more.. than friends.

ooh.. yea yea yea

[zeroguy]

I think that just proves that 'Bob' is better than 'Diary' any day.

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

A fortnight from this hour and the whole world will be changed for me. I suppose we may never really be ready for things when they come. Me, I find it easier to rush in once I know what's happening. Get it over with, enjoy it, and see what comes out on the other side. It's this slow and gradual process that gets me where I see it coming... slowly... slowly... It approaches and you want it to, but you are given ample time to build up anxiety and nervousness and insecurities galore about what will happen when it arrives and what will come out on the other side and what will be waiting when you get there. I guess in a fortnight from this hour we shall see.

~Rei

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I will be annoying and use every single little opportunity I can to drop into just about any conversation, related or not, that I spent the afternoon with Janelle and Kelly.

Like I just did.

Because that is something to brag about.

[Firegirl]

Dear Bob,
How do you tell a person that you'll still support them even if they might pontentially make what you think is the decision you don't appreciate? There are four possible options and it scares me, this roulette of emotions and past experiences, unknown wants and known needs. I guess that I will have to wait and see, and hope that introspection helps.
Scared,
Cat

[Petra456]

Bob, I have a bad feeling.

I've had it all day and nothings happened. It's keeping me awake. I have to be up for work in 6 hours and I just can't go to bed.

I really hope this goes away soon.

And on a completely different subject, i've just spent the last two nights at my parent's house, and for the very first time, I wanted to come back to my own place rather then stay there.

This doesn't really feel like home either though.

It's just kinda my sleeping spot.

- Nicole

[Jayelle]

Dear Bob,

I'm jealous of Alea.

-JL

[Gravity Defier]

As you should be.

Some moments, I'm jealous of myself.

[daPyr0x]

Dear Bob,

I feel so alone. I feel like I have no real friends. Noone I can talk to, rant to, hang out with...Noone at all.

Okay, that's not entirely fair, I have some. Let's outline them for a second...

I have one friend who owes me hundreds of dollars (has since november or december) and still thinks I'm going to do him favors or loan him even more money. He's also the same friend who, if I ever rant about anything to him, will relay everything to anyone who will listen. So, that's out.

I've got another friend who's really quite a good friend, so long as he's single. The second he's involved with someone he's nowhere to be found. Kinda ruins that one.

One who's a pothead, who I'll only hear from if I push to see him or whatever, and if I don't then I won't hear anything whatsoever from him.

And then there's my older step brother, who's completely overrun by his princess girlfriend.

My coworkers all get together and invite eachother out and such and are friends....and to me they're just friends so long as I'm in the room, and I don't exist otherwise. Part of it may well be because I do sorta alienate myself by insisting I don't smoke pot (nobody at work needs to know anything else.) and I know that they do. But even still. They'll even invite eachother out right in front of me....rude much?

Every friend I've ever had has been like that. Except in public school, with Kevin and Ryan. Since then, when one left to the US and the other just kinda went his own way....I've never had anything even close. Maybe I expect too much of my friends? You know, people who will call you and ask whats up, invite you out. People you can call and ask whats up, invite out, etc.

I just don't understand. I really...just...don't.

Maybe I am that horrible
Maybe that's why she left me
Maybe that's why I haven't found anyone since.

Maybe I'm destined to be alone.

Maybe this is it
The difference between what I need, and what I want to be.
And maybe this is what I need. What I deserve.

Help me Bob, becuase I hate this...and though I know it's the last thing my family needs, I'm so close to ending it...so close...I just don't want to be alone anymore...

Happy birthday to me?

[Petra456]

BOB!!!!!

Buffy is having her kittens!!!

Oh gosh, seriously, you have no clue how happy this is making me. She just popped out her first, a tiny black one.

It is making the cutiest noises!!!!

She's a mommy now!

- a VERY excited Fred.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

Last night my supervisees were a bit out of control after the sessions. I walk out of the main office where two of them are sitting on the floor -- actually, one was laying on the floor, and we talk for a while. Laughing, just good times. They're teasing me about something. And then one of them says, "Do you love us?"

I did not know how to respond to that.

What I did was say, "Yes, I love you" while rolling my eyes and walking away. They called me on that (they like noting nonverbals a lot, especially mine).

I figure on some level they have to know I love them or they wouldn't have asked. Because I do.

But on the other hand -- that is not something it would ever occur to me to ask my supervisor. Any supervisor. That I've ever had.

Boundaries?

[Hegemon]

f*** boundaries.


Kirsten, do you love me?

[starlooker]

John, you obviously know on some level that I do, or you wouldn't have asked.






(Do you love me?)

[Young Val]

dear bob,

i feel awkward writing to you; i'm not sure why. everything is so bizarre in my life at the moment. the publishing world is not what i anticipated. not to say that i'm disappointed. i suppose i just wasn't fully prepared for exactly how all-consuming this job is. and my work doesn't end at 6pm when i leave the office. i've always got a stack of manuscripts to take home with me, and twice this week i've had to attend work-related events. a book launch and a reading series. both of which require i lot of glad-handing and schmoozing and charming people and making a good impression and keeping all your names and faces and facts straight. while wearing heels.

everything is infinitely more difficult bob, while wearing heels.

the job itself is going well. i'm a hit. making a splash. ect. ect. ect. they love me. people i don't even KNOW and aren't sure i've ever MET love me. i did a favor for the foreign rights associate, typed up a few quick letters and reviews for her, since she was swamped and my project was stalled. she went NUTS over it. like i had just found the cure for the common cold. and i'm standing there, smiling and nodding, and thinking "oh my god, it's just a cover letter..."

i'm nervous that i'm setting the bar too high for myself. eventually i will make a mistake. i mean a bad one. not one that i can correct on my ownb. one that will cause a lot of headaches and problems and that i won't be able to handle by myself. it's inevitable. it happens to everyone. i am no exception. i am not supergirl. but i'm afraid that because everything thinks i'm SO GREAT and SO SMART and SO TALENTED/ORGANIZED/RESPONSIBLE that it's going to be this horrible shock when i finally f*** up and they're going to sort of cock their heads and squint their eyes at me and say, "wait... why did we hire you, again?"


and it's exhausting. and really terrifying. it is so much harder than i ever dreamed (and believe me, i always know that the deck is stacked) to actually get a book published. i mean, i've seen things that i think are BRIlLLIANT get turned down by every house in the business and are left to gather dust in our filing cabinets.

but it's given me an eye. i'm so much better at my own work now, because my skills have been honed even more (and, i'll be honest, i thought i was pretty much on top of the whole judge-of-good-writing thing. compared to all i've learned from Writers House in these two months, i knew NOTHING back then).

but i'm stressed. and i'm lonely. and i miss henry every single second. somehow, i thought being really busy and starting this career i've alwyas wanted would help dull the pain of that, when actually, it's only made it sharper. he should be here to see this. he should get to witness my success the way he witnessed so many failures. i miss him. it's hard.

my friendships are floundering. i'm tired of being everyone else's ego-booster. cheerleader. whatever. it's one thing to be supportive of your friends. it's another thing to have your friends show up and use you to feel better about themselves, and then take off again until the next time they feel insecure. i'm growing tired of it.

i dislike the way i look. which is absurd since the extra weight i put on in the post-henry-depression is literally dropping off like crazy. but dress shopping was a nightmare this week. i could find a SINGLE DRESS that fit me. in the WHOLE GODDAMN STORE. i am NOT morbidly obese, people. ok, so i'm not a 5 anymore, but hey, i'm also not 16 years old!!!!!!! i get dressed every single morning. don't tell me that there isn't a single dress in your store that's gonna fit me.

ugh. i don't feel like typing anymore.

[Virlomi]

Dear Bob, you know you live in New York when a man waddling in flippers stops you on the street to tell you you're "lookin' good."

[Eaquae Legit]

I often have trouble finding dresses, Kelly. I usually have to go to three or four stores to find something that's right. Especially when the prevailing style or colours for the season look awful on me.

Remember those pixie dresses with the ragged chiffon skirts? A nightmare.

It sucks, but there is a dress out there calling your name. It's been buried under a mountain of pink chiffon, so its cry is weak.

Good luck!

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

Kel stroke a chord with me with a line she wrote, which is kinda what spurred me on writing this. I miss my fiance.
(I use specifically that word for a reason.)

I see myself doing things, outgoing things, that she would push me to do and I never could, and then I find myself thinking "if only she could see this".

And then I'll be doing the most random of things and have a flashback to something.... To driving to TN for the first time with her. To hanging out in her room. To cooking in her parents' kitchen. To running out to the store for her in the middle of the night for feminine products. To taking her out at 3am just to cruise around and talk, and ending up at a 24hr iHop. To.....just really random flashbacks, like a visual scene of this one highway crossroad where we weren't sure which highway to take only to learn both went where we were going....

It's depressing.

And it makes it hard to press on.

So I drink.
And drink I shall.

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

Time happens so quickly. As I navigate the river to port, I realise that I have zero confidence in my ability to dock. I hope the men on the pier will be helpful.

[Miss Abbie]

Dear Bob,

I'm getting lonely again, existing by means of you know some of us live inside our dreams. Things aren't what I want, so I make up lives, entire worlds and people and feelings that are better, easier.

The thing is, they're more real a lot of the time. It terrifies me. Something in my head says that I've got to stay in the real world, but why? What would be the harm in just... I don't know, living elsewhere until the end?

Or, that's what I think sometimes. I mean, usually I know that there are people who need me and people whom I need and all of this, but...

I don't know, Bob, it's tempting--

In an incredibly scary way that I can't tell anyone real about.

[Eaquae Legit]

Dear Bob,

I was having a good night until the assholes across the building decided to break open the thermostat box and set it down to ten degrees. I've already notified my landlord. He better do something to see this does not happen again.

In other news, I am very excited about my current research, and it is looking more and more like there's a niche waiting for me to fill it. EVERYthing I read is either renn at the earliest or physical rather than mental. I'm SURE there's something for me to say, if I can just find the evidence.

*sigh*

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,
Haha. April fools, joke's on me.

I missed the plane. I'm in NYC for another night. And a next-day fee had to be paid so I can get home tomorrow. $110 that I won't let Janelle pay because it's not her fault and money I don't want to pay, because it's not my fault, either.

I'm tired...so piss off if you even think for a second that I should do this in another thread. I don't want the confessions to not make sense.


Confession: I have officially crossed the line from visitor to burden extraordinaire. (The possibility that the word is spelled wrong increases with every passing moment)

Confession: I made the mistake of thinking this city would accept more credit card usage than it first seemed to, and I don't have a pin for my ATM card (haven't in 3 years), so I have run out of cash and feel like a complete s*** for using any of Janelle's.

Confession: I am mortified, because in a moment of frustration and exhaustion (no sleep yet), I burst into tears on a bus in Jersey.

Confession: I still want to cry, because I'm pretty sure Janelle is pissed at me.

Confession: I'm scared half to death that I'm going to get myself lost tomorrow with all the transfers I have to make to get to f****** Newark from Brooklyn.


Son of a bitch.

[lovesonia]

Dear Bob,

I had to tell someone... How bad is it when a guy can't spell 'penis'? It's terrible! It's terrible and hilarious and I've been laughing about it for five minutes. It was on a random survey on myspace: "Something most people don't know about me: i have an 8in pines"

*dies laughing*

[Jayelle]

Perhaps he grows Bonsai pine trees?

[Petra456]

Bob, I think I have a car again.

Ever since my accident i've been borrowing my mom's car, which is horribly inconvenient for both of us. Well, my mom fell in love with another car and went to test drive it today. She loved it and is making plans to kinda "sell" me the one i've been borrowing.

This takes a HUGE weight off my shoulders. This means I don't have to move home in order to make car payments. I love my parents and home will always be home, I just don't think I can move back.

I'll miss Carl though, he was a good car.

- A very relieved Fred.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,
I used to think that I was this really interesting person who you just needed to get to know before you realized I'm not just quiet and introverted...like a poorly wrapped gift. Doesn't look like much, but really worthwhile if you give it half a chance.


Events in the past 5 months have led me to conclude that it's just wishful thinking and I am in fact as dull and boring and non-interesting as I've always feared I am.