Philotic Web

Dear You,

You are pathetic. I'm actually really amused by the extent of which you are totally pathetic. You must think you're sly or something, "hey, if I offer random computer equipment, maybe he'll talk to me again." I guess it's worked before, back before I could afford half decent computer stuff...

Still, you amuse me greatly.

--Cam

Dear you,

Got booted, and AIM won't let me back. Sorry.

- EL

Dear Yous

Does anyone else think it's odd to see my Last.FM sig showing A State of Trance as my top played, followed closely behind by Norah Jones, and then by Tool? Maybe it's just me, but that's...quite the combo.

Dear you,

Sorry for the horrible kidnapping, I'll make it up to you.

Your Kidnapper

Dear You,

You, there.
with the stylish clothes and the charisma to pull them off
who can't dance but somehow still has someone dancing up with you

You,
who can chat up anyone you wish
who doesn't feel one bit of social anxiety meeting new people
and who can so easily grab a name, phone number, make a friend, or more

Yes, you.
Could I be you?

Just for tonight?

Please?

--Nobody

You:

STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND TRYING TO RATIONALIZE YOUR INACTION AND WEAKNESS. ALL YOU GAIN IN DOING SO IS LOWERING YOURSELF IN NOT ONLY YOUR EYES, BUT THE EYES OF EVERYONE WHO SEES WHAT YOU ARE DOING. ACTION IS NEVER TOO LATE. JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK WHAT YOU HAD IS LOST DOESN'T GIVE YOU A REASON TO REMAIN STILL. STOP HIDING BEHIND YOUR ALIASES AND YOUR AGELESS PERSONA. YOU ARE YOUNG AND YOU ACT YOUNG. MAKING OTHERS BELIEVE OTHERWISE DOES NOTHING BUT HURT YOURSELF. GROW UP. LEARN TO TAKE ACTION. STOP BEING WEAK, OTHERWISE YOU WILL FAIL AT EVERYTHING. I'LL NOT CALL YOU NOTHING, I'LL CALL YOU WEAK WILLED AND EXCUSE FILLED.

- Eternally Around

dear you,

don't bother talking to me tomorrow, or for the rest of the week, or ever again, for that matter.

i don't report to you anymore. i earned this job. i am good at this job. and i will keep this job and do incredible work while i'm here.

and you won't put the moves on me ever again.

i am so done with being the damsel in distress.

Dear you,

I'm missing you, tonight. I wish I knew what time you might hope to be here, but perhaps that time has already passed. Either way, I miss you and I look forward to seeing you again soon.

~me

Dear technologically-oriented people these days,

What the hell is wrong with you? I am told that fewer and fewer people these days are interested in sysadmin-related work (and are suitable for it). This leaves people like me (who like that kind of work, and are competent enough to do it) with too many damn things that we want to pursue. One of these days I might actually come to my senses and not keep accepting opportunities. In the meantime, it just leaves me overworked, and may kill me someday. You're killing me with your apathy. Killing.

It also makes it fscking hard to find replacements. Damn it all.

-me

Dear you above me,

Nice sig.


Dear you,

You looked nice today. I learned something new about you the other day too. And I'm sorry you lost your voice. Silly tournaments. Love ya lots,

-Loo^2


Dear you,

It's frakking awkward to be around you now, even though we've been best friends since Kindergarten. It's just...weird...like...PLEASE STOP!!!

-Loo^2


Dear you,

The dorms seem like Romeo & Juliet...or should I say, Albert & Judy? Just ask her. Don't be influenced by what all the other dormies say. She's cute. DO IT!

-Loo^2


Dear you,

I've been thinking, and it just seems weird to go through with it...like, it's the opposite for everyone else (except Zo and Olivia). Maybe it'll happen one of these days. Where do you go during free period? Maybe it'll happen as soon as tomorrow during fifth? Love ya,

-Loo^2

Dear you,

Enjoy your movie!

Me


Dear you,

Start telling me things, I don't want to be left in the dark.

Me

Dear you,

I've been trying to ignore this for a long time and I understand that I don't know the situation at all, but every time I open the door I see that and I thought you ought to know something that people who know what they're talking about always used to tell me.

No one can make you do or feel anything else.

It's all your choice

so

if you don't like it

that's fine but

don't

blame

him.

Dear you,

I'm concerned. What the hell are you doing? You don't need to do that. especially when people can see it. I'm sure what I saw was what I think it is. You can't just flaunt around and think no one is going to notice. You want us to be close, you say I never talk to you anymore, but the truth is there's nothing to talk about unless you won't tell me what the hell is going on. I'm trying to help you. I won't judge. You know I take these things seriously.

me

Dear You,

Part of me wants to talk with you about this, part of me wants to just let this go and give up. I don't know.

-Denny

I am proud of you.

- Wil

Dear You,

I forgive you.

--Yours.

Dear you,

I'm tired of being snapped at because you don't feel good. find another hobby while you're sick. I'm tired of crying.

Dear you,

Three times in a week. Just... give me official part-time hours or something, because you are seriously screwing with my circadian rhythm. Give me predictability. Gah.

Dear you,

It's too late. G'night.

-Loo^2

Dear you,

Yep, it was waiting for me when I got home : )

ps. it had a return address... Hehe. I so win.

- Nicole


Dear you,

Just getting a voice mail from you made me really really happy. We have to plan something soon. I also love that you thought of me just because you were going to Olympia.

- me

Dear You,

Why did you say that?

...what does it mean???

--me

Dear Yourself, You, and Everyone Else,

Stop f****** putting people in such high regard when all you do is get s*** on time after time. Perhaps being an a****** is the way to go through life happy, because at least being an a****** you don’t get people using you.

People are clueless. Stop putting expectations on people because all they do is f*** up. It’s like chess; you can plan every logical move forward 20 steps ahead, and then the f****** does the most illogical move on the entire board. People don’t deserve expectations to be placed upon them, all they do is let you down.

First impressions are s*** because all people do is go down hill from there. Ohh finally, a person who I can relate to; who acts opposite of all the ways I hate; who I really truly like. f****** curb stomped. Note to all people: Put your worst foot forward, because then at least when people learn to like you for being an a******, you have no place to go but up.

Stop helping people.. Or trying to. Again, logic takes a back seat to stupidity. It’s another useless activity that inevitably gets shoved back down your own throat. No thanks, but I don’t blame people… most are clueless dumb asses that can’t even make the logical deduction: getting f****** used -> dump the f******. Even when they make that eventual realization, thanks isn’t given.

People can only hold back their tongues for so long, and once they finally start letting it out… you didn’t help me.. YOU CHANGED. IT’S ALL YOU. YOU ARE THE BAD ONE. It’s not “Oh yeah, thanks for helping me realize what a f****** little girl I’ve been” it’s “I decided to go out with someone else”. Good for you. Go out with that someone else. Just don’t be surprised when you end up realizing you didn’t change, you just relocated to a different part of your body.

It’s not that I’m hurt, I’m just annoyed. People lie, a lot. They lie about not lying. They lie so they don’t hurt. People are too f****** afraid of telling the truth that might hurt, so they lie, and end up hurting more. I know people have morals; I’ve seen them in action. Too bad it takes too f****** long for most people to realize when to do it. But, it just all bleeds back down into having too much faith in people.

My recommendation to everyone… this seems to work wonders for everything: Be nice to everyone. Be understanding. Try not to lie. Expect thanks. It seems to have worked wonders for me.

You know those situations where you don’t know to say thanks until someone tells you about it, and then you end up not saying it because then it wouldn’t be sincere… or so you think? f****** SAY THANKS. f****** GIVE GRATITUDE. Who cares if you’re a stupid f*** and didn’t realize s*** until someone told you otherwise? Give it anyways. Who f****** cares if most will think it’s forced… sometimes it will be. Other times it won’t be. Just say it anyways.
Also, not a good idea to be one of those people who “see things from both points of view”. f****** knock that s*** off before your nose browns. You were made to have free will for a reason. People won’t resent you for it, perhaps just wonder about your sanity when you state your opinion. It’s good to look at a point of view from two different angles, but you STILL HAVE AN OPINION. If you don’t, grow some proverbial balls and figure out what it is.

Almost all words used to describe people are ‘in the eyes of the beholder’. You can say you’re pretty, smart, understanding, caring, loving, thoughtful, sophisticated all the f****** day long, but it doesn’t mean s*** to other people. It’s good to have confidence, not arrogance. For every one person in the world who things you’re a thing of beauty, there is another in the world who wouldn’t touch you with a 10 foot stick.

I can guarantee you that 90% of all people who want to wait until X event before sex will not make it. Sex isn’t bad, not at all. The intent, most times, is what is considered bad. As much as you tell yourself “I’ll wait until marriage” or “I’ll wait until after college” or “I’ll wait until I graduate the 10th grade”, you most likely will not make it. Why? Because what’s considered bad feels so good. Those ‘positively negative’ emotions are amazingly powerful. So much so where “I wanted to wait” couldn’t be further from your mind. Being in that state, it’s like a block wall. All other thoughts are gone.. the only thing that matters is doing what nature intends to be done. It’s done like this so you can procreate. So the race can continue. I’ve seen even the strongest just crumble.

Oh, and there are ways around lies.. they’re called half truths and redirection of intent. “Are you alright?” “What makes you think I wouldn’t be alright?” “Your away message.” “Interesting away message, wasn’t it.” – that’s not a lie, just two half truths intermingled with a redirection of intent.

To the ex other half of you: Grow some balls. If you couldn’t figure out what was wrong, what was needed, you didn’t deserve what you had anyways. Stop whining and crying to their friends. If you actually expected it to continue to work out then you’re too f****** blind to be into politics to such a strong degree.

To the friend of the you: Nice passing of judgment, dickwad. I love when people only know half the story and they start acting all high and mighty. Fact is, you know f****** zero of anything. Oh wow. She told you her sappy story. But, you don’t know my intent, you didn’t know my reason. Try asking what I did and why I did it before deciding I’m an a******.

To you: You might not believe it, and likely haven’t even realized it, but I did what I did when I did it to help you. But, you believed nothing of what I said but took negativity from others to heart. What a f****** joke. I expected maybe a “I hate you” or a “You f******€ or a “Thanks for nothing, dipshit” comment.. Sometime eventually. But I got nothing. More failed expectations. Anything was better than nothing. I’m glad that you got rid of the bat, but maybe you should realize why you did it, why you didn’t do it sooner, and if your reason for doing it was worth it.

I only posted this here so maybe you’d f****** read it. Read it and cry. Oh, have a good weekend, f******.

Dear You,

I wish you would meet with me.

Me

Dear you,

by the way? i'm furious.

Dear You,

Half of me screams "Go away!"

And the other half yells "Come closer!"

But all of me begs for you to just listen to me.

Think about someone that's not yourself, for once.

if you did, you'd at least pick one half and stick with it

--Cam

Dear You,

I'm sorry I hurt you, but I can't do what you want me to do. Don't make me feel guilty. I do already. Don't try to help. You can't.

-me

Dear You,

I'm sorry I hurt you also. I can't help it. I've become apathetic lately. I need to find emotion from someone. I'm sorry I use you. You aren't the only one. I use so many people. I like to know I have power. I like to test it. It makes me feel like there's a reason to live.

Anyways.. Have a beautiful night.

-me

Dear You,

You make me happy. Thank you so much for being there.

-me

Oh, and dear yous,

Get the hell out of my life.

Dear You,

Seriously. It's nice an all, but quit making excuses for acting the way you act. You obviously know you act like that, so fix it. Don't make more excuses, just do it.

- Wil

Dear you,

We need to talk.

- me


Dear you (take a guess, I dare ya),

I'm here for the hard times
The straight to your heart times
When living ain't easy
You can stand up against me

- me

Dear you,

I miss the smell of your skin when we would take naps in the afternoon. Well, it's the smell of Olay's MoistureRinse, which I also use so I smell it on myself and think of you. It's funny how you always accused me of being the controlling one when really our activities were nearly always dictated by you. We would take naps when you got too tired. And most of the time I would just lay there awake and thinking and snuggling with you and listening to you snore. Towards the end, I spent most of it thinking of what I wanted to tell you and how to say it. What I worried about was not how you would react but the other consequences that there would be when I told. And yet what happened was so far from what I could have imagined. Everyone else forgave me and stayed by my side and you, the last I would have imagined, left me.

What I really thought you would understand and still hope someday you will, is this. When I was with him and things had gotten unhealthy, I had two choices in each incident. I could be a willing participant and feel like I had some control; or I could show my disagreement/displeasure and fight and in the end lose the fight and feel like crap anyway. Now, in either scenario, my thoughts and my desires were the same. I had boundaries that I didn't want crossed. But eventually I realized that my thoughts and desires were not going to be respected. So, I either change my outward appearance and pretend that I'm getting what I want or show my real feelings, fight and lose more self respect each time.

But think about how he would view those incidents. If you can ever realize that he is sick and has problems with boundaries/etc., think about it. Even if I put up a fight 9 out of 10 times, all he would remember was the 1 time out of 10 that I didn't. That is truly all that he takes away from it. So he really thinks he did nothing wrong. Whereas what is seared into my brain is the 9 times that I fought and cried and begged for my wishes to be respected and they weren't. And then the 1 time out of 10 I tried to regain some control by putting on an act and felt sick and dirty after.

I read a few books about emotional abuse but the only one that fit what I went through was called "Stalking the Soul: The Erosion of Identity". I hope someday that you'll read it and believe me. He almost destroyed me.

-me

ps - thank you for introducing me to lizards. they are my joy.

Dear you,

No letter or cd, but the picture came. It's awesome. : ) The plastic they put pictures in is almost impossible to break into! Geeze, it took me forever!

- silly girl

Dear you,

Saturday night was amazing. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Although...it was kind of awkward considering you were/are going out with my best friend...but really, it was fun, you looked like you had fun. It's all good.

Now, what happened between you two??? My advice? Break up. Trust me, it's not going to work out. It's already happened 3 times before. and the longer you wait, the worse it's going to hurt. I love to be around you both, so don't make this awkward.

Love,

-Loo^2


Dear you,

So...next year will be fun eh? I really can't wait for the China winterim. It'll be so fun. But too bad you're not coming. THat would really make it so much better. The yearbook is coming out tomorrow i think. Sign it, make it pretty, all that jazz. Same as usual. I don't have that much I can write in yours though. We hung out this year, but not as much as I'd hoped. Nothing as big as Cirque du Soleil...well, Semi|imeS, but what do I write about that? I enjoyed it? well, obviously. and you already knew that. it has to be something meaningful...we'll see.

Love,

-Loo^2

Dear you,

They really do make me happy. I'm still listening to the cd.

- silly girl

Dear Yous,

I'm going to call you this week and we'll catch up. Maybe we can make plans to visit soon? I really miss you.

Love,
me

p.s. I'm sorry in advance.

~~~~

Dear Yous,

We don't talk so much these days... rehashing the same old stuff just doesn't work anymore, does it? I'm really sorry. We've had lots of good times... We may have more good times in our future... who knows. Lets hang in there a while and see, hmm? I hope you'll forgive me for being so s***** at keeping in touch. I think about you and mean to contact you but put it off and, of course, forget.

Love,
me

~~~

Dear You,

Stop it and stop it now. You can't avoid it forever. It will only be worse when you have to deal with it.

~~
Sunday posts:
~~

Dear You,

It was great talking to you today. It kills me that your life is in bad shape and I'm not there to help you through it, though. If I were there we could forget everything and make it the best summer ever. We could get smashed and play outside all day - 'borrow' dad's boat, head to the river and raise some hell, for sure; 'borrow' robert's motorcycles & four-wheeler, ride around kicking up hella dirt on the backroads; 'borrow' robert's trampoline and see how many backflips we can do without resting or falling off - then go home, eat ice cream and watch horror movies to scare ourselves silly at night. I wish I could be there, even if just for your birthday. It'd be 10,000 times better than the last, just because they wouldn't be there to try to ruin it. I miss you so much.

I love you. I'll see you in my dreams.
-Nik Nik

~

Dear You,

It was great hearing from you, too. When it rains, it pours. You always manage to make me smile. You really are amazing. I know you'll never believe it, just like I'll never believe when you say I am, but so long as I think you are and you think I am, we're both right in our own ways, I think. I'll mail you that letter tomorrow. It's way overdue and I appreciate you mentioning it, as it would have been a while until I got to it. It is in the binder that's stashed in a box in my closet, afterall.

I love you. Thank you for being there for me, even when I'm a whiny insufferable bitch.

- Miss S

P.s. I'm sorry I sound like her. I hope it doesn't cause you any pain.

Dear you(s),
Don't think for one second that my hatred for you has any less passion or intensity than your hatred for me. I look forward, with glee even, to the day I never have to co-exist with you again.

Dear You,

I'm really sad to admit that you're right. People do grow apart in time, and sometimes that's accompanied by a failure to communicate at all. I just wish I would have realized that it was happening, between you and me, and also between myself and others. I just find it odd that I barely noticed it, until you pointed it out. I'm sorry I let it happen. I don't like watching relationships decay.

There's always the question, "Can I change things," in my head. But.. maybe nothing can change by my will alone. I don't really know. I think the distance that has formed in our relationship has occurred because of my own envy. I was so used to being the one who cared for you the most, and I just didn't enjoy that being taken away. My own flaw.

Sweet Dreams,
-me.