Philotic Web

Read your dear you. Left you a vm. Love you lots. *hug*

my phone didn't ring. hmmph. *pouts*

Dear Bob,

I am going to Spain next semester. YAY!

I am also going to England next summer. YAY!

Not only am I going to England, but I am going with a friend. A fellow HP-obsessed friend. And we are going to see Daniel Radcliffe in Equus.

Oh sweet lord.

I am freaking excited out of my MIND.

Hey Mahatma, I am glad you have such great plans... Anyways, I was wondering about that Radcliffe thing you mentioned. Is that the thing where he rides around naked on a horse?

Dear Bob,

The formal letter says I did excellently. Certainly, I passed everything. The multicultural essay -- which was the one that I truly, truly, truly put my best effort into -- earned "Pass with Distinction" from both raters. The Research and the Ethics essay both earned "Pass with Distinction" from a rater whose judgment I trust and whose opinion I care about. The Research question in particular was apparently flawless except for one minor detail (according to the rater whose specialty area actually is research issues). And I at least passed the Career and Theories questions. I was initially doubtful of doing that. Granted, those were my lowest, but they were still reasonably decent passes. And I fully expected them to be my lowest when I handed them in.

Why do I feel like such a failure, Bob?

I just don't feel particularly good at anything or particularly distinctive in anything or particularly special to anyone or at anything.

Fieldwork should be giving me my chance to shine, shouldn't it? But it's not. I feel like a failure there. An invisible, run of the mill, failure.

I feel like a friend of mine has replaced me with brighter, shinier friends.

I'm just not anyone's favorite at anything. I don't feel particularly good at anything. Okay, but not outstanding. Reading the good comments over and over is not helping with that.

I do not want to be average or run of the mill.

Make it stop, Bob. Give me some niche that I can shine in. And the motivation to overcome this inertia that seems to have taken up residence inside of my soul. I'm quite tired of it.

Dear Bob,

Tell my swphepweb-sister that she's great, okay? And give her a hug from me.

Hey Mahatma, I am glad you have such great plans... Anyways, I was wondering about that Radcliffe thing you mentioned. Is that the thing where he rides around naked on a horse?

Haha, yes. Yes, it is. Only in one scene though, I believe. Aside from that, it looks like a very interesting play. So don't worry, we'll be mature.

Oh, and... Dear Bob,

The expected departure date from London is July 14.

The premiere of Order of the Phoenix is July 13.

I am going to explode.

Hi Bob,

Train timetables suck. Trying to figure out accurate costs for a trip on the other side of the world two months in advance suck. Having to shell out another $2700 for those tickets within a week sucks. Trying to figure out costs so I can decide if I want to spend a night in Hong Kong sucks.

Trying to do all of this on your own when you're one of three people going on a trip ... frankly, means I end up trying to kill myself whilst I go crazy. Especially when whining on someone's away message gets me ignored.

I'm losing it. I can't afford to lose it. I need to get this damned holiday in control so that I don't find myself in Europe in Winter with a train pass and some money and no itinerary and no accomodation.


Aaaaaargh!

Dear Bob,

This dating thing blows... I have two women who are, like, really interested.....and I'm....not? One of them is a girl I knew all through high school. She's apparantly had a crush on me for 5 years and she confessed the other night that she was happy when Nic and I broke up and yeah. I took her out the other night, we had fun, and yeah. But....she likes me way more than I like her (as would be evidenced by the 5 year crush?); I think she thinks that we're like bf/gf now, though if I brought it up she wouldn't admit to it I thought I liked her too; and I do...but not....not the way I should? I was at her party the other night, and yeah, I like one of her (taken - don't worry :-p) good friends a lot more than I like her. They're just that much more my speed, more my kind of girl. I now feel like s*** because somehow I've gotta find a way to back down a little? I dunno; but I'm taking her out again on Tuesday, we'll have to see what happens then I guess...

The other girl....this is another interesting case. She's a girl that also had a crush on me for a while while Nic and I were together, though for not near as long. Shortly after Nic and I broke up I saw her and we had some....unattached fun? Well, it was supposed to be unattached (and yes, this was very explicitly discussed with her beforehand, so it's not like I led her on) but it didn't end up quite that way and she only liked me more. Well, now I've told her that - though I am not interested in an actual relationship atm - I would go on like a casual date with her or whatever. So now she's all ecstatic and all this and yeah...

I feel like a complete a******. I feel like I'm leading both these girls on though I'm trying my very hardest not to. I'm an upfront guy and I'm being very upfront with them about most of this.....but I still feel like a prick.

I want a girl more my speed, and neither of these two are. I want someone better than Nicole.... I want a girl who's smart and mature. I want a girl who can be up front with me, and who can communicate what she wants. I want a girl who is decently innocent, one who makes love rather than f******.....Call me vain and shallow, but I want a girl that's pretty, too....Not to say Nicole wasn't; though these other two aren't really; just that like I walk into a movie theatre on a friday night and all these guys are there with gorgeous women on their arms and all....and maybe I want that once?....

When it's all said and done, I don't know WHAT I want....I just know that I don't really want them....

Dear Bob,

how many other people will I piss off today?

Bob,

Last night was the first big rain we've had so far. I thought I missed it, but it just kept me up all night.

I'm tired.

- me

Oh Bob.

no no no no no no no no!

Dear Bob,

I got a promotion today!! Now instead of Group Leader, I'm a Supervisor!

And I get an extra bit of money every week...booyah.

Well, Bob,

I've been going back and forth about posting this here. I haven't really talked to many people about it. At least not explicitly.

So, my mom's been having some weird "female" problems for a while and about a month ago finally caved and went to the gyn. They did this crazy scope-y biopsy thing of a piece of her uterus.

They discovered "cells with hyperplasia" which essentially means "not quite cancer but only an itsy-bitsy bit away."

So, on Friday they're doing a diagnostic/theraputic surgery. Again with a scope-y thing, they're going to essentially go vacuum off her uterine wall. They could decide during the procedure to do an emergency hysterectomy (if they find a real tumor or anything else like that.)

I'm nervous for my mommy. (And for my genetics. Seriously, do I really need another type of cancer to add to the list of potentially inheritable diseases I should start sceening for by 30?!)

So, send my family good thoughts starting about 5:45 AM central time, if you please, Bob.

Congrats Cam

*hugs Kimmie*

Dear Bob,

I feel like my life is increasingly equal parts Felicity and The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

bob, i finished my first scarf! i am excited, even though it's ugly because i didn't how to take out stitches at first. but hopefully my next scarf will be pretty. i'm messing around with some patterns right now to see what i want to do.

too bad they don't have a knitting class in school. then i wouldn't feel bad doing that instead of homework!

i'm messing around with some patterns right now to see what i want to do.

Can't go wrong with the pattern from Tom Baker as Doctor Who....

*serious hugs for Kimmie*

I know exactly how you feel.



Bob,

I hate banks. Hate hate hate.

me

Bob,

I think sometimes you're God to people.

I think that's cool

-J to the L

Dear Bob,

somehow, i feel that it's right for this post to be after Jayelle's. it's just... right, somehow.


Bob,

for me, this moment, always, is born of pain. some deep, quietly throbbing pain inside of me somewhere. and this exact moment, this moment that i'm having now, with you, Bob, can only happen when that pain has been stirred. when it has stretched and spread and spilled throughout me, twisting between my tendons and burying itself in my bones.

this pain that, as it smothers me... releases me. and allows me this. this moment. to write about it beautifully.

and even as i sit here, in my room, on my bare mattress, wrapped in blankets, with the window open and the loose papers of my novel and my unsent letters and the blank pages i was never able to fill fluttering around in the breeze like leaves that have already died and fallen, even as i sit here with all of that and so much more for voiceless company, i am suddenly able to pull the words from my mouth, like a strand of knotted pearls, and watch them as they spill from my fingers.

for this moment, Bob, i would endure any sadness.

and i was born with sadness in me. perhaps all people are, somehow. and for that i must be grateful, because it's the only way i would be able to understand all the joy in my life. because there is. so much. even now.

and everything is clear. and i watch myself, i see myself in ways i know are blurred for other people. and the bed and the empty bottles and the laundry strewn across the floor. the waxy, half-burnt candles and the piles of books and the dying house plant and the hapless forests of bobby pins all weave together to make a quilt of me. and so much more than just me. all while remaining things. their own, purposeful, thing-ish selves. they lend themselves to me, to become part of my narrative.

and the whole world becomes mine to observe. and i've been entrusted. it is believed that i'll get it right.

this comes of pain. as it builds, i hone it. i carve it, caress it, coax it into becoming what it is that i need...

it is a humble start, Bob, this moment. it is not a grand entrance. the pearls are not perfect.

but i would know this sensation anywhere.

it has begun. it's back.

watch me while i write it.

Dear Bob,

I'm going to Ohio tomorrow, then going down to Washington. I've lost my insurance details and must do my History IA during the trip. And in the end we broke up. I know there are so many more things that could have gone wrong, but I really did not enjoy this week.

If I see anyone, I'll wave.

Not Found

The requested post was not found.

*hugs Alea*

Bob,
Tournaments this weekend which means I won't be online until Sunday afternoon. Wish me patience.

Hiya Bob!

I spent so much money at the travel agents today that my EFTPOS card declined - the dollar value was over its limit!
Flights are all paid for now, tickets are booked and being ticketed. Some seats are chosen, some I can't choose. Unfortunately the Hong Kong choice got taken away from me - I couldn't fly out a day later or two days later, and any more than two days wasn't going to work for me, what with money and employment. Oh well, it's a trip of a lifetime even without that.

Two more months, then I need to be packing my bags.

Dear Bob,

I am scared. I don't know if I can keep up in my classes and I think I'm heading out shortly to fail my Hebrew mid-term. I don't know how I am going to keep up... it feels like I need an extra twelve hours each day just to get all of my studying in and still sleep occasionally... I need a break, Bob, and it's just not coming... things are piling up and getting busier and I don't know how long I will be able to keep doing it...

~rei

Dear Bob,

So Ben is mad at me because I've been blowing him off. But I'm happy, and Ben has been so grouchy and mad at me lately about everything.

I spend too much time with Ryan. I know. But that's the way it is. I'm happy, and he's really sweet. So it makes me happy to be around him. And Ben is so uptight most of the time, it's nice to be with someone who can relax.

Erg. I have work in an hour, so I guess I should go shower or something. I'll vent more later.

bob, help me de-stress. my period is now 10 days late. this isn't normal. sadly i'm kind of used to ignoring my body and doing whatever i want. going as hard as i want.

my last midterms for the quarter are on november 6th. only 2 weeks. i can do this.

Bob,

I love Old English.

Not Found

The requested post was not found.

Dear Bob,

Washington is pretty.

Dear Bob,

Guess who's mad at me? Guess who blocked me and hangs up on other people if he knows I'm around?

Just guess.

I hate this, Bob. John says that blah blah it's good that he finally got over his obsession with me, and I'm all for not having obsessions, but there's a difference between that and cutting a friend off completely. The minute I actually show some emotion that is not exactly what everyone wants to see from me, they don't want to talk to me anymore. I'm not allowed to be anything that doesn't match what people want. I'm Abbie, I am the calm one who is always trying to make everyone happy. Maybe at the cost of my own expression, I don't know. Everyone else seems so grounded, so sure of who they are and what they're doing, and I have no idea. I'm lost, I don't know what I like or want and my dad thinks that I should major in English when I go to college but what if I don't want to? What if I want to, I don't know, join the army or something? Anything, I feel like my life could stumble down any path at this point. But I don't know who I am, I don't know, and this is what my advisor means when he says that I need to expect respect from people. The problem is that I don't know how to do that.

I don't even know what it means to be respected. I don't know what it means, so how am I supposed to expect it? How am I supposed to ever get out of this and be a person instead of a doll that will spit out whatever people want to hear? Do my friends now respect me? Pinko said that my lovely ex-boyfriend didn't respect me, but I couldn't tell. I thought, you know... I don't know. I don't know how he disrespected me, I don't know anything.

And then this crap, him getting kicked out. At first he acted like I made a difference. He wrote me a letter, called me an angel, said I was the best thing to happen to him and he's so sorry that all he's ever done is hurt me. Then the discipline committee meeting happened and he said his biggest regret, the thing that hurt worst about all this was that it hurt me. He said it like he meant it. He said it like I mattered to him. He said it like someone in this cold world cared about me. He's always said that.

I don't think he's ever meant it.

I wonder if I've ever really meant anything to anyone. You see, Bob, I'm just so horribly useless, I don't deserve it. Why should anyone care about me? I am just a doll.

I remember a time long gone when someone I love explained Shinji to me. And Rei. Child of grace? Child of zero? Were those the meanings? That time is full of holes and gaps for me. I never believed in blocking out memories, didn't think I would ever do it, because I'm not the victim in this story. I'm not a victim of anything, I'm the damn villain and so I shouldn't have to block anything out. But I have. I am missing two years of my life. This is what I can remember: Patrick's shoes and pronouncing his name right, being locked outside in the winter night, and a blurred face in the middle school hallway. And that someone who did the explaining--I miss him, I miss him even when we talk because I am always so busy and he is, and it's like cutting off a body part and I haven't gotten used to it, even now. Now I remember sitting at the computer with bloody knives and saying that no, I wouldn't do anything. Yes, I would be safe and I would wake for another miserable day.

God, what was wrong with me? I remember my blood on the white tiles of the bathroom floor and telling him that everything would be alright.

I remember him telling me that all I had to do was live and realize that no matter what I would be loved always. I remember not being good enough for Dan and all the hours I spent crying over someone I barely knew and hating the idea of Friends and all the stupid titles that keep people out. I remember two sonnets and fire and rain and all the crying that I did over the landmark essay.

I remember...

Bob, I don't know where I was going with this when I started, but it turned into some rambling nothing so I am going to shut up now. Thanks for listening.

Dear Bob,

Why do I do this to myself?

Why am I so insistant that I need to be everything for her? Why do I need to be that level of support? Why do I spend $100 on her for the 3 year anniversary of a broken relationship? Why?

Why do I still insist I need to be all the support she needs? I know she needs it....but where was that when *I* needed support? Oh yeah, I remember, she ran off to go f*** another guy. She got 'scared' because I needed some attention and ended up, well, where we are now. Why do I put myself through this?

Why did I spend money to send her something, just something small along with a heartfelt letter, for the 3 year anniversary of me telling her that I loved her for the first time? She won't do anything for it, why do I insist that I have to?

Why do I put so much effort into her when.....she's moved on? When she has someone new. When she doesn't want to be with me anymore. When I wouldn't even take her back (right now) if she tried....why do I still put in all this effort?

Oh, right, because she needs it...and because I love her...and this is what love means to me...

*sigh* why do I still love her, then?

Bob...I don't know......what to do...where to go...I don't know anything.

Dear Bob,

Have I just given my life away again? I don't know why I always seek out admin stuff, I know it takes away all my time and can make me stressed and busy. Maybe it's just searching for an identity, or something. I suppose it's all I really know.

(The people are almost always annoying, too, but I seem to have that problem with any area I'm interested in.)

-me