Philotic Web

Thanks for that link, Josh.

Kelly, I've been texting Brian about your post this evening. (He's at work.) He's planning on sending you some info. That link was to be included. He said he'd like to help you get the complaint filed. Look for a PM from him sometime in the morning?

You do realize a lot of people would prefer if your husband was unemployed, right?

(Actually, I doubt many of them even think about that side of things but you know what I mean.)

This is making me really upset about my having to fly in January. My hope (probably in vain - Steph, any idea?) is that because I'm flying through the US, I can avoid the search. But since I'm switching carriers, they're probably going to make us go back out and in through security.

f***, America, if you bloody insist we all have to go through security meeting YOUR freaking standards before we board planes in our own countries, shy make us do it all again? Do you just believe that much that everyone else is utterly incompetent? I'm quite furious about this.

I'm also bloody well pissed about my own sovereign country having to hand over my details to the US if we even enter its airspace. Data I have no assurance will be destroyed or kept confidential.

f*** you, America.

Oi that's awful, Kelly... *hugs*

I'm really sorry you went through that. And concerning American security... well... I don't have anything to add to what EL said.

*joins chorus of support for Kelly and outrage about travel requirements*

I have been so, so, so pissed off about the whole "enhanced" pat downs and body scanners since I started hearing about them. That just added fuel to the fire. Which has resulted in me, for the first time, firing off letters to congresspeople, etc.

f*** flying. Except in cases of extreme emergencies, I'm through. If we ever do go out to CA, we're driving or taking a train or something until this bullshit subsides.

In other news, I had a weird dream last night following doing a lot of reading about people's experiences with the TSA and watching The Walking Dead in which I couldn't remember my supposed work code and number after the government had collapsed and then been taken over by a brutal police state, and so I was on the run. Had kind of a happy ending involving some sort of ballet/dance scene, red shoes, and a friend of mine (in the dream) who had escaped being on the run by taking over my life. Eventually took over someone's number and code -- it was like 13285, 10N. Also involved a hotel and a white Buick and I don't remember much else, detail-wise. But left me very shaken up at 2:00 AM, and requiring Donny to come in (he was still up, as usual) and snuggle me and help me get back to sleep. That hasn't happened in a while. (Went through a period a couple of years ago involving fairly regular freakish dreams/nightmares/waking up whimpering for unknown reasons. Don't miss it.)

Dear Bob,

I want today to be over.

I am ridiculously tired lately. I am not motivated at all. I'm slipping into a fairly serious funk, and it worries me.

Goddamn self-defeating patterns.

Dear Bob,

3 POSTS IN ONE DAY!

Bob,

My younger brother called me for the first time since his hospital stay in February. He talk for half an hour, mostly hyper rambling about Chuck (the tv show) and his forum arguments about Chrono Cross/Trigger. Wow. It seems like he has gone off his medication; or something drastic has changed on that front. His wife and he won't involve any of my family in his mental health care, so we have no idea what has been going on. Anyway, crazy town.

This is making me really upset about my having to fly in January. My hope (probably in vain - Steph, any idea?) is that because I'm flying through the US, I can avoid the search. But since I'm switching carriers, they're probably going to make us go back out and in through security.

Just as a note... I was flying through O'Hare this weekend, and the security checkpoint was the same as I've always seen it. I didn't see any of the new scanning dealies. They're not everywhere (at least, not now, anyway).

Bob,

I am hurt.

Serves me right.

Oh well.

Time for work.

Bob,

We have a place to live! Hurrah!

Bob,

I can't make decisions. I chose my college in under 5 minutes after getting the official admissions. I chose where to live after college based on only getting the one full-time job. I chose to move back here because I was running out of options. And now I am supposed to decide things now and I can't because I don't usually make decisions, I let circumstances force me to do things. This is my least favorite thing about myself and I know I can try to change it, but it is really damn hard when I don't have the confidence to make them, and I can't just *waste* another year now that I seemingly know what I want.

Sigh.

Dear Bob,

Working double shifts is not a whole lot of fun. I can't wait for this month to be done.

I hope I can find a new job easily in January. And I hope my visa application is approved.

Rei

Be careful what you wish for, huh? I didn't get sick but I got into a car accident this morning. No serious injuries but my mom's car is out of commission, currently. She (my mom) was released from the hospital with some morphine in her system and a prescription for Percocet.

Two people in one of the other cars that went to the hospital had minor bruising and minor back pain, as well.

I declined the trip to the hospital. My left side is sore now -I couldn't feel it then- from my ankle up to my shoulder. My back is a little sore, too. My head is...what it is. I couldn't focus all too well at certain times at work but I think that's more who I am and not a side-effect.

A reporter from one of our news stations came and did an informal interview. That angered me a little bit.

This is my fault and I won't get into why, but it is and now that I'm home and I'm finally being left alone, I think I'll have a good cry.

The damn kicker is, I felt too guilty even having been in that accident to stay home, despite everyone trying to get me to.

A coworker told me, "I'm worried. You're quiet, even for you."

*hugs*

That really sucks, but i'm happy everyone is alright!

*Big Hugs!!!*

Go have a good cry. I'll be online all night if you want company, either of the distracting or the comfortable silence variety.

I'm so lonely and nobody talks to me! ... No, wait, that's not right. Sorry, old habit!

I'm not quite sure what I want to write here. I just have this desire to write, and, Bob, I'm sorry, but you're the outlet tonight! I also think this is going to be very much a mess, and I'll be jumping from topic to topic.

I think I'm 3pi/2 on a sine wave. By that, I mean that it seems my life, or perhaps just my feelings on life, are always going up and down from one extreme to another, and right now I'm at the bottom of the cycle. This is perhaps good, because I'll start feeling better again! Also good, because I think this "cycle" has been the easiest cycle I've gone through in quite some time. So perhaps this cycle is more like a sin(x)/2? Man, what has math done to me?

Despite what this time of the year means to me, specifically what five days from now means to me, I still really like this time of the year. I think because most of my most memorable memories take place around this time of the year and I like that, because for the other eleven months of the year my past and my memories of the past feel fake and almost non-existent. This is strange to me because when people ask me "how I'm doing" around this time of the year I don't know how to answer still. I'm really truly fine, but this is almost completely because it doesn't feel like it ever happened. I just say "okay", because that's as close to the truth as I think other people can understand.

I realized recently that I slump a lot. Pretty much all the time, I think. I've been trying to not do this, but it's hard. Wonder what this says about me.

Funny thing is that about a week/week-and-a-half ago I was getting a lot of attention from two women - one in "meatspace", and the other on facebook. The former one I was almost positive would stop, which it has, but it was nice while it lasted. I didn't expect it to last long, since it was from someone I've spent far too much time thinking about, but attention is nice so I savored it. Just being near them was nice, on Saturday. I also told them how much I enjoyed spending time with them as they "nerded out" at the Lego store a few weekends ago.

The latter one is also giving me less attention, but that's partially due to final prep, and maybe partially due to me being stupid. I don't want to read too much in to it, but, let's be honest, I say and do stupid things all the time. I suppose I should just be glad that these stupid things are almost always localized to one person. I really enjoy talking to them, and the optimistic part of me likes to think that were it not for the 1200mi distance that I'd even ask her out. Ha.

Hmm, I actually feel pretty decent about my life overall. Weird. I still think I'm intrinsically broken, though!

Dear Bob,

I hate my fiance's best friend. I really do.

I got 2 texts from Nate while his show was on the air of "Oh man we could come up with a beer pong game. Each have one side set up."

To which i texted back "? Are you texting who you think you're texting?"

And the response "Haha, nope, john and i were trying to come up with ways we could hang out via skype saturday"


... just... what the f***, Bob...

I really don't like this guy, and I don't like how my fiance acts with him.


Please pray for me that Nate and I will always live many, many hours away from John so I only have to actually worry about them seeing each other maybe once a year.

Dear Bob,

I guess it's true that you always come home.


NH

Dear Bob,

What you see before you is the result of over two hours of sitting at work, feeling like I need to talk to you, having all these mixed up thoughts tumbling around in my head, and taking out a pen and paper and writing two pages worth of worthless material to you before opening up Word and giving this a try. What am I supposed to say, to appease the chaos in my head, that I haven’t said a million times before?

“I feel,” “I think,” “I know,” “I wish,” “I want.”

Sometimes, I feel as though my head is a boat with a hole in it, letting watery thoughts in. There I am, standing in inches of wet stuff, watching it slowly rise up as I frantically work with a bucket to throw it back out, knowing it’s futile but also knowing there isn’t anything in this world to plug up that hole, so it’s either work or drown in it. Sometimes the work is easy, sometimes the work is hard, but it’s always necessary. What’s a good analogy for that? It’s not like the bucket gets any bigger or smaller. I find it a little ridiculous that I’m going to devote time later on to perfecting this whole idea. I will sit and stare into space and try to make it work and I’ll start getting overly concerned with the details. Fresh water or salt water? Are there sharks? I wonder if I have a sail.

You have got to be kidding me.

It’s any wonder I hear so often about how weird I am. And I do. I wouldn’t be exaggerating if I said I hear it at least once every other day, if not every day.

I have it in my head, this notion that I should embrace that, accept it, be proud of it, own the hell out of it. But somewhere along the way, that term, which can be neutral, or if not neutral than at least leaning towards positive as well as negative, came to have solely negative connotations for me. Like the word “distraction.”

Weird doesn’t mean unique, which it certainly can be synonymous with, in my head. It means “freakish.” (This is where I tell Jason I’m not offended by being called “freaky, in case he fears he has somehow offended me. The –ish and the –y in this case make a rather large difference; language is funny that way.) Since we’re here and doing this, I’ll go ahead and lay out what my issue is with the word “distraction.” I know it is possible to have “pleasant distractions” but for me, it has come to mean a disturbance or a bother, if I initiate the behavior that distracts, and it has come to mean I’m being used for shallow entertainment purposes, usually as a last resort, if someone else initiates. I don’t know why I’ve come to think of either word in those senses but changing the way I react to them has proven difficult. I have to soothe myself with reassurances that “No, that is not what they mean. That is an unintentional, self-inflicted hurt.”

You know, when I started typing this, I didn’t have an inkling I’d end up saying any of what I’ve said so far beyond the “Bob.” At least keeping my head occupied, throwing the water out so to speak, is making me feel more at ease.

There is so much I did expect to come in here and talk about that just doesn’t want to cooperate. I feel like life would be simpler if my brain had a better way of compartmentalizing thoughts instead of letting them mix and mingle. As soon as I start making headway on organizing and separating them, it is like my brain goes into shutdown mode, like it can’t fathom the idea that I might stumble upon some truth about myself.

*waves to self* Hiya, me. Does this count as talking to myself?

Bob,

You know I'm going to feel dumb for all this posting when I wake up, as usual, but I just had to comment on how predictable I am, like clockwork.

It's this month, I think. I get myself all worked up, thinking I'll finally catch some of the magic I anticipate there being, only, I never do. Instead, I get to sit around thinking about all the bad things December has ever brought. Everyone else gets the magic.

The big one was my dad leaving us, not just my mom, but all of us one night when he was just supposed to be going to the store and ended up at Voldemort's. He never lived with us again after that.

Last year it was the rats that I was fixated on. This year, it's an article I remember reading when I was younger about artists (celebrities, entertainers, whatever) dying at 27. Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix. I remember thinking, "The great ones die at 27. I'll know where I stand around that time, then." Then again, I think this was after Cobain died and at that point, I never thought I'd survive past jr high or high school. So here I am, still have some time, don't really want to die but can't help thinking this proves I kind of suck. Maybe if I'd started that band last year, I'd be great by now. *shrug*





I'm ready to be normal now. :)

Dear bob (and pweb),

Just saying hi from Cali. The time change feels weird. I slept really terribly last night which led to a migraine today. Hopefully I'll get some good sleep tonight. I'm having fun with Kelly and her husband is still an idiot. My niece is adorable and seems to LOVE me.

Tell Cali I said hi. I'm heading down there for a visit after the new year, I can't wait to see my friends and the city.

Welcome to the west coast, m'dear; (they'll send me to Mexico if I don't say this next part) it's definitely the best coast. Glad you made it safely but it sucks about the sleep problems. Keep having fun with Kelly and the niece, though who are you trying to surprise with the fact that she loves you?

...though who are you trying to surprise with the fact that she loves you?

Seriously!

...though who are you trying to surprise with the fact that she loves you?

Seriously!

*childhood moment* JINX!

Heeheehee, I posted in the Foyer thread and then immediately came to Milagre and found this!

*double-post of JUBILATION!!*

Rei's visa application has been approved!!!!

*dances and dances*

*double-post of JUBILATION!!*

Rei's visa application has been approved!!!!

*dances and dances*

YAY!!!! No more "ifs", just "when WE go to England"!!

I am sooooo relieved!

...though who are you trying to surprise with the fact that she loves you?

Seriously!

*childhood moment* JINX!

Heeheehee, I posted in the Foyer thread and then immediately came to Milagre and found this!

That's awesome.

Dear Bob,

I love my brain sometimes.

So, last night, I had a very vivid, lengthy, and rather awesome dream. I went to Norway to go to school. I was getting some kind of music education degree, and Dolly Parton was on the faculty. I don’t remember all of the details, but I know there was another person who I knew who was starting school at the same time as me. My family was helping me move, which involved caravanning across Norway (which looked much like the Midwest). Anyhow, upon arrival at the school, I discovered I unexpectedly had a debt of about $350. I did not understand it, but somehow my schoolmate figured out we were being charged as undergrads instead of graduate students. The we went to the program’s orientation, where it turned out that not only was Dolly Parton on the faculty, but so was Professor Walsh from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I didn’t really get to talk to either of them. I actually made quite the stammering idiot of myself in front of Dolly Parton.

And then there was the whole getting used to Norway part of the dream, as no signs were written in English. And it turned out that their bathrooms were perpetually flooded with ankle deep water (clean). Well, anyhow, my bill somehow magically upped to $648, and I went to go tell them I was a grad student and get my account zeroed out. And there was this other girl there who was really snotty and overheard that I had no money when she actually had an excess on her account, and she was saying snotty things about my poverty to her Norwegian friends.

Around this time I woke up and desperately had to go to the bathroom. I kept my eyes half-shut, hoping that I’d be able to go back to the dream when I got back in bed. Went back to bed.

Donny was just getting to bed about this time, and I mumbled something about needing to get back to my dream. He was a bit concerned, as I’ve had a couple of nightmares in the past month, but upon my babbling about needing to dream and go back to Dolly Parton, he ascertained this was a good dream and just kept telling me that it was a dream and I could have anything I wanted happen, because it was a dream. “Can I kick that girl’s ass?” I inquired, thinking of the snotty financial aid girl. He was somewhat taken aback by my desire to kick Dolly Parton’s ass, but went the route of telling me it was my dream and I could do whatever I wanted, have nice things happen, etc. I kept talking about kicking the snotty girl’s ass for awhile.

“OOOH!” I said, suddenly, inspired, “Could I have money?” This was easier, and he readily agreed that I could. I relaxed, prepared to go to sleep. “What kind of money do they use in Norway?” He pretended not to know what I’d said, just made soothing noises.

I relaxed and began to enter dreamworld. He got ready to go to sleep, convinced all was quiet in my little brain. And all was good for a few minutes, as I prepared to go back to graduate music school under the tutelage of Ms. Parton in Norway, where I had driven from America – Norway, the land of the perpetually flooded bathrooms.

Suddenly I broke the silence of the bedroom. “Wait!” I said, quite upset, “Where does the money come from? How could I have money? That doesn’t make any sense!”

Donny again was stuck for inspiration. This time his soothing noises sounded rather confused.

“Oh,” I said, “I know! I can have a scholarship!” And then I promptly fell asleep.

I just love that even in my sleep-deprived, dreamworld happy brain, the part that made no sense at all was being a graduate student and having money.

Kirsten, I love you so very, very much.

Hiya bob,
So as you can see I had some time to catch up tonight. I'm still in CA until tomorrow and I can't wait to get home. It's very uncomfortable staying in a house with a couple that fights a lot. Yikes. I don't think I'll come out for a visit by myself again, despite how much I miss Kelly. When I come out with Mark, we stay at a hotel and it's not so awkward. Anyway, I got a bunch of letterboxing done and had fun with my SIL and niece. Long flight home tomorrow...

Kirsten, that story was awesome. (And they use the Krone, if you didn't know)

Thanks! I was hoping that story would amuse some folks. And my Mom told me soon after about the currency issue I had no idea.