Philotic Web

I feel like a bad student today.

I've felt like one for two weeks.

I've got a paper due in seven hours and I'm just starting the reading.

Confession:
I think I'm failing my FILM class of all things...due to lack of attendance.
I really messed up this semester..

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In my fantasies, I long for interesting clients. I long for stories and distortions because in my fantasies, I make them better. I work with them compassionately and wisely and competently.

But when I get a real client that I would love to have in my dreams of me as wonderful therapist, I have no idea what to do with her. I just kind of hang on for dear life.

And then I pace a lot afterwards.

Oh Kirsten, would you loooooove me as a client.

ditto.


confession: i actually think i need to go back into therapy. which is not possible, as i have no health insurance and/or money.

i've begun developing behaviors and habits that i KNOW are warning signs and totally bad coping strategies. but doing stupid ritualized things incessantly seems to be the only way i can curb the panic attacks which are now approaching hourly.

things were bad and i was depressed and all that but i guess i was doing pretty ok, a break down here and there, but after this weekend, since coming back to new york, i seem to have snapped.

I'm posting this instead of pm-ing it so that others realize the type of services that are out there...

kelly, I'm going to my county mental health center for therapy because they charge on a sliding scale if you don't have insurance, as low as $5 per session. pm me your exact location and i'll see what resources might be available for you (I just quit working for the NYS Office of Mental Health so I still have connections to some info). Also, if they/you decide to try medication at some point, it's available at low or no cost also. Believe me, you are worth the effort. Get the help you need to get through this.

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I spent the last half-hour of my Cognitive Psychology class composing haikus about how much I hate that class.

It was fun.

It took me three months away from home to realize it, but I really hate either: Virginia (or my home town, whatever), my house, or being around my parents.

I mean, when I was younger, I wasn't really gone for long periods of time, so I don't think I ever noticed that is was this place that was somehow making me less happy. But I can really feel something when I got back... Like any unhappiness I felt before college was somehow rooted in just being here.

I was gone from my home of two (ish?) years, and my parents of my whole life, for three months (for the first time), and I never got homesick. I missed my dorm within an hour of coming back here.

I now slightly fear being branded a horrible person by society, as I don't seem to like being around, talking to, or basically interacting with my family in any way. I don't think I dislike them themselves (well, not all of them), but every moment around them becomes increasingly difficult to tolerate.

Maybe it's just a phase. Oh well.

My mother was talking about being sick and remedies and telling me she was going through her health journal to see which ones had worked for her, and the only thing that did any good was elderberry tea.

And what is the first thing that pops into my head?

Good lord. My mother smelt of elderberries!

Is my father a hamster?

That made my day, Kirsten.

I woke up with that damn Paris Hilton song in my head.

My mother was talking about being sick and remedies and telling me she was going through her health journal to see which ones had worked for her, and the only thing that did any good was elderberry tea.

And what is the first thing that pops into my head?

Good lord. My mother smelt of elderberries!

Is my father a hamster?

*sniggers*...

*points at siggie*

I woke up with that damn Paris Hilton song in my head.

If you're swearing, that song must be worse than I previously thought.

*hasn't heard it and has no intention of ever hearing it*

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Confession: I can't dance... At least I am pretty sure that I can't. To get me to dance it takes a hell of a lot of alcohol (last i checked it was an 8 drink minimum*. However, I do wish that I could dance.

Confession: I think I might not be that shy about singing karaoke, at least as long as someone else is singing along at the same time. I find that weird.

Confession: I think stepping looks like so much fun, but it's mainly thought of as a "black thing" at least around here, and as a nerdy white girl, I'm afraid of being judged for my interest, by both races. (I'm too busy/lazy to do it anyway, but I still think it's awesome.)

I want to be an insane swing dancer. But it would require effort and I'm too lazy. Besides, I don't have anyone to dance with anyway.

I was quite the swing dancer back in the day (10 years ago or so, in my late teens). My small size made me perfect for the guys to toss around in the air. It was great.

And Heg, I'm the same way. I can sing in front of people as long as I'm doing it with someone else. But I love to sing...just too scared to by myself.

i went swing dancing this weekend for the first time in years, and it was amazing. i'd forgotten how much i missed it.


confession: sometimes when i take the baby i sit for out on errands in the morning, and people compliment me on having such a lovely daughter, i don't correct them and tell them i'm her nanny.

I like the taste of cough syrup.

Confession: I hate when I stutter. It's why I like IM better than real conversations, I think. My brain just moves so fast sometimes and it's hard for my mouth to keep up.

Confession:

I just made a very nice book store employee go to a lot of trouble to find me a copy of a book which doesn't officially come out until tomorrow, just because I want to have something to read on the train. I didn't mention the fact that the reason why it wasn't on the shelves is because they're not supposed to sell it until tomorrow, since in the past people have refused to sell me books early because the store can theoretically get in trouble for it.

I can't stop listening to the Sweeney Todd soundtrack.

....

BENJAMIN BARKER!!

Confession: I'm really confused about life.

I don't think I'm very good at being a college kid.

I don't have any friends at school.

I blew it. I made it a day and a half at least..

Confession:

I'm a geek. I'm writing a report based on three interviews I conducted and naturally the pseudonyms I instantly decide to use for my 2 male and 1 female participants are Peter, Andrew, and Valentine. I wish I had an instructor who would get the reference... Then again, she may surprise me.

I feel congested and crappy and generally sick, and I can't help but think its because I keep telling people I never get sick. I'm not usually one to believe in jinxes, but damn it I USED TO never get sick!

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I'm in love with Hamlet and I don't know what I want to do with my life. [/i]