Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[zeroguy]

Dear Bob,

I always thought I found jobs to be irritating because I wasn't really doing what I thought I'd like doing for a living. Which is true, I wasn't; those were intermediate steps to, you know, just get started. Hardly ideal, but they were okay, and I thought I'd only have to deal with them for a limited time before I could do what I really wanted.

Now, though, I just wonder if it's impossible for me to be content with doing a single thing for 8-ish hours a day. I'm probably just too strict with myself, but... regardless, no irregardless, sigh.

-me

Dear Bob,

Have I mentioned lately how I hate being the first post on a page? Seriously Bob, I thought you were my friend; how could you betray me like this?

-me

[Petra456]

Bob,

All I feel like doing today is sleeping. I can't think of any other way do describe this except, it sucks. Meh.

- Fred

[shadow-petra]

Hey Bob!

I'm back from China!!!....well, I've been back for about a month, but I've been kinda busy with other stuff. I miss it a lot...

[Jayelle]

Wow, welcome back! Why were you in China?

[shadow-petra]

an exchange program for 4 months!!! It was sooo fun! How've you been?

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,
I'm going to be one of the lucky people who suffers from sleep deprivation related heart issues.

I got 3 hours of sleep last night and am still staying up late tonight to take advantage of my brother's internet.



I swear I'm not addicted; I could quit anytime I want. I just don't want to.

[Borommakot_15]

Dear Bob,

I had something interesting happen to me, in the chat room of an online game that I play...

I was banished to the 'ugly and hated' corner...
I then had a paper bag put over my head, so that I wouldnt make people sick..
And then I was locked in a cupboard, so that I wouldn't frighten newbies away...

Just thought you might like to know...

~B_15

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I think I pissed her off, with a suggestive joke. "I know I suck tonight," "well I was kinda hoping... :-p." On the one hand, I'm kinda disappointed because I get the feeling that's the reason I'm not with her tonight; but on the other...I'm kinda glad?

I know she doesn't get in to my sexually suggestive flirting. She never has. She's never mentioned it bothering her or anything, she just ignores it and moves past the topic. The old me would take that as saying I shouldn't say those sorts of things and keep them to myself, and that's all changing. I'm tired of being the old me. I don't want to have to censor myself around the people I choose to surround myself with, dating or not. Not in the sense of not making women-hating jokes or something like that, but more that I don't want to feel like I have to hide a side of myself. I'm slowly but surely convincing myself that I don't need to change for anybody to like me; and I'm doing the best I can to keep myself on that road.

I almost want there to be some friction there because of it. I almost want her to be all pissy and think I'm somehow objectifying her because I made an innocent joke. Just for the sake of standing up for myself. Oh? I hurt your feelings? f*** you, that's what. Yes, that made sense. I made a pretty damn innocent joke, and I'm not apologizing for it, because I'm not sorry. If you can't take jokes like that, I'm not the person for you.

It feels so...liberating. I almost feel like I need that experience to get farther on my quest for self confidence, like I need to stand up for myself to be able to convince myself I'm worth standing up for.

To be honest, though, I don't really expect any tension to come of it. At least, not directly. She's not the type that she'd say anything, she'll just get pissy, ignore me, and move on. But whatever, I'll keep doing it :-p

--Cam

[Wil]

Bob,

*Blah blah blah, bitch, whine, and moan*

Later Bob.

Bob,

I'm going to stop doing that now. It is good for nothing and all it does is end up making me regret that I have the ability to write.

Oh, also, why is it that the majority of people annoy the living s*** out of me? Everything from the way they act to the way they speak to the way they write... it makes me just want to kick 90% of the peoples faces in until there is nothing left but mush. Don't confuse this with being arrogant, I think I hate myself just as much, if not more, than them. I must just be too damn critical of people, or something. Probably also the reason for my past bitch fit that was up there.

Cya, Bob.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I have a problem. I have so many dreams, desires, and drives for myself and I tell myself I'm gonna do all of them....failing to realize that not only can I not achieve all of those goals at the same time, but that I just don't have the constant motivation to go through with em.

Bob, do you ever feel like just giving the f*** up? I wanted to come here. I told myself I wanted to come here. I wanted to force myself outside of my comfort zone. I wanted to be forced to make new friends, meet new people, be social for once in my life. And I have tried so, so hard to do that. And yet...I'm not getting very far. I mean, I have a girl that I am (was?) seeing. And really, that's about it. I try to go out with guys from work, and I have a few times; but for the most part I'm just the coworker that tags along with Glen everywhere. And even he doesn't really like it, he just feels like he has to cuz he pulled me down here. I'm f****** boring. Hell, I even bore myself. Nobody wants to hang out with that. But I keep trying. I push myself to get as much social time with those guys as I can outside of work, because I need it, and I know I won't get any better by staying in. I never get anywhere though. Not home, not here, none of it. There are a few friends that genuinely enjoy my company (and I theirs), and that's really about it. I really just want to give up. Go to work, come home, play video games, sleep, repeat. They say in social situations that trying is the first step to failure, that the way to make interactions work is to just be yourself and the like. But what if myself is the guy sitting at home alone every night? What if myself isn't who I like, isn't the person that I want to be?

I've been reading a lot lately about learning to talk to women. Well, specifically, it's geared towards 'picking up' women, but that's not my intention or focus so I crop the irrelevant bits out. I just want to be social. I want so badly to be that guy who has a group of friends who he'll hang out with regularely, run into around the city, whatever. Hell, I'm fine with being Ross. I can deal with being the nerdy one in the group. I just want a social life. I've never had that, not once. Public school I was an outcast, had glasses and got seen picking my nose in the 3rd grade (unfortunately for me, my school didn't have much turnover so that stayed with me through till the 8th). I had 4 friends, one who was the insecure bully who picked on the other one who was nerdier than me purely because he had a stutter which made him awkward, and when he wasn't around he'd pick on me instead; and then one who to this day is the slickest chameleon I know and who basically just becomes whomever he idolizes at the time. High school wasn't much different, though the friend count was higher purely because the turnover was higher. I started with nobody, made one friend based purely on logistics which turned into 4 friends; then as they all matured into crack smokers I made new friends, sorta. Really, I feel as though all I've ever been, to all but very few of my friends, is a staple. Just a body that hung around. I just...I don't relate well to a lot of people. By that I mean that I am very relatable, because I'm very introspective and can understand what causes what feelings and how that relates to others and that; but I don't have people that *I* can relate to. People aren't as smart as me. They don't think about the things I think about. They look at me as though I've got 5 eyes on my forehead for bringing up anything that's above the average intelligence quota (except that one friend I mentioned earlier, he'd smile and nod and act as though he understood). How close can I possibly get to someone when half the time I'm coming way out of left field? Why would anyone want to try?

I just want to feel like I'm normal. Just give me one day where I can feel like I am an average social person; with friends to go to the bar with, reasons to look forward to time outside of work. Just one day?

Did I mention I forced myself to go to the bar alone this weekend? Oh yes. Just try to imagine the oodles of fun that ensued.

Where are you going?
Where do you go?

--Cam

[Gravity Defier]

Heya Bob.

I went to Tucson for a few days last week (hence my internet access at night) and I did quite a bit: museums (4), mission/church (2), zoo, Biosphere 2, bookstores (2), movies (Hancock, Be Kind Rewind, Defintely Maybe, Mama's Boy). That was all with a friend. In the afternoons, I spent time with my little brother I was even lucky enough to see some monsoon action.

Leaving Tucson, I had the biggest lump in my throat and a serious case of being homesick before I was entirely gone; I didn't want to leave.

Then, to make my week even more awesome, my little brother came to Phoenix for the 4th and we had a merry ol' time driving my dad bonkers. We even went to a batting cage, where I sucked at first but figured out the machine's pitching and wacked a few. End result: I am majorly sore in certain parts of my back and arms from using long dormant muscles.

To add to my traveling, I'm heading to my hometown on Wednesday or Thursday and staying for a few days; w0ot! to seeing my mom, grandma, possessions and dog, thumbsdown to being back there...

Running is going okay, too. I can't seem to figure out how to stay hydrated just enough, because I am still getting the urge to throw up -my dad says 'good, just do it already.' But I'm running further (still) and doing it in the same/less time as it took me to run the day before.

Um.


I'm keeping myself a little distracted from the fact that things still aren't going my way, but I am very anxious to the point that I'm sighing all the time, have a weird feeling in my stomach almost constantly, can't focus on anything, and have racing thoughts at night.

7-14 days until I know one way or another whether I've been wasting the past month and a half or not.

[VelvetElvis]

Bob,

I think that the reason I have such nice dreams is that God knows if I had to be scared in real life and in my dreams I would have a nervous breakdown

-Me

[Luet]

Today I finally deleted every email, file, saved text and picture related to them off my computer. It took me nearly two years to be ready to do it but it was quite a weight off. Well, two years since it all *ended* but 4 years since it began.

I've also come to some profound (to me, at least) realizations in the last couple days. The biggest of which is that I think part of why it is so hard for me to really heal from all of this is that it feels like if I do, then somehow it will erase what happened and, in turn, will validate what they believe. I know that makes no sense. But I feel like if I get over it and am better, then they could say (figuratively), "See? You are absolutely fine. There is no way that any of those things happened that you claimed. We were right to believe him."

But by still suffering the effects of it, I'm letting him continue to have power over me which is the last thing I want. So, I know I need to come to terms with this and find a way to heal and move past it. If any of you have been through anything remotely similar and have any advice or encouragement, feel free to pm me or post. thanks...

[Young Val]

:::::hugs Nomi:::::

[Borommakot_15]

Dear Bob,

I was accused of being a very happy and smiley person, a little while ago.

... Me ...

Just... wait... what?

This isn't a person I would expect to lie to me, so... what is the deal?

Come on, Bob... you know me... am I "very happy and smiley"?

Even if it "isn't a giddy kind of happy and smiley"?

Hm.

[Jayelle]

Bob,

So, we're giving the cat away. Peeing on our chair was the proverbial straw. I love our cat. She's sweet and cuddly and purrs all the time. But, she also has pee issues (as in, on anything soft that lands on the floor), she licks and shreds the toilet paper, she breaks all our glasses, she scratches anything wooden (all our kitchen chairs, the table, the bookshelves, the nightstand...), she's just gotten to be too much when there's a baby on the way.
In some ways, it's going to be such a huge relief not to have a cat and a baby at the same time, but I also want to cry when I think about giving her away. No one else will know her like we do. They'll change her name from Perelandra to something... stupid and normal.
And I feel like a failure. Everyone said "So, are you getting rid of your cat when you have the baby?" and I got all indignant about a cat being fine with a baby. But, I just imagine her peeing in the crib, or on the baby's clothes or... blech. It's just one more thing to worry about. So, we're getting rid of her.
It makes me want to cry.

conflicted,
JL

[starlooker]

*hugs*

I wonder if Perelandra and my Tarantella were separated at birth. I've contemplated getting rid of her due to the pee issues several times. Paying for carpet whenever I change apartments is expensive, but it's just me that's affected and so far I put up with it. However, if there were a child involved, that would change things a lot. I can imagine if I were in your shoes feeling terribly conflicted either way.

[locke]

not fair they're going to get me to buy them all over again aren't they!

[Gravity Defier]

Nomi, I think it's wonderful that you were able to go through and delete all those things...I know how hard that can be; I still have some stuff on my phone and computer that I just haven't had the heart/strength to get rid of. *hugs*



Bob,
My grandma gave me her prom dress. It's gorgeous and I love it.

I also don't fit into it; my hips are too wide for me to be able to slip it on by stepping into it and my chest is too big for me to slip it on over my head.

This is a slight problem for me. I know where I'd prefer to lose the weight but I know where it's likely to come off first.

[Yebra]

Dear Bob,

I'm sitting in my ballpit and surfing the net. This is the best waste of money ever!

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I have an apartment. My credit check went through without issue. I move on August 11.

I'm scared, but also excited. The excitement has been lacking lately, just been scared. Nightmares about people being murdered in strange apartments, etc. It's nice to have excitement to back up scared.

I have all sorts of resolutions for how I'll make my new place so much better than my old.

It's flippin HUGE. I'll need a real, actual dining table. Also, a dresser might be nice.

[Confessions]

Bob,

I feel so ashamed. I can't even post this anywhere that I can be identified because I'm so ashamed of myself. I've lost myself.

I always, always, had the resolution that sex was something I saved until I was in love. I've lost that. First one I thought "okay, fine, I got caught up/was drunk/whatever, but I can't go that far and then say no the next time." Well, now I'm on the second, and I've come to the realization that I've lost myself, lost those morals, and I hate it. I'm mad at myself.

I made a resolution to myself that I was going to get better. I was going to focus myself on not being so shy, on being able to meet new people, make new relationships, etc. I was tired of just seeing what fell into my lap and I wanted to become more proactive about who I chose to spend my time with. And I've been doing exactly that. Doing decently well at it too.

But I'm a guy. Being a guy and trying to meet new women to date means that you have to do certain things, show certain sides of yourself, etc. One of those things is that you have to make it clear that you're interested in a romantic sense, otherwise you run the risk (and in my case, likelihood) of becoming "just a friend." So you've gotta make a move, even if it's just a kiss. But then you're going down that slippery slope and all of a sudden I'm thinking "...what?...how? what am I doing? how did I get here?"

Now you're reading this thinking "you know...you could always just say no....you do have that self control, don't you?" and you'd be right. I do have that self control, I do have that conviction... but I don't have that experience. I want to meet a good woman, I want to start a worthwhile relationship, and when I see potential I don't want to screw it up by seeming like I'm too scared to try and take the next step.

And then you end up just like me, stuck where you've met someone you're genuinely interested, who you really want to see and learn more of....who's so infatuated with you after 3 dates you're running for the hills because you've not had enough time to figure out whether or not you're actually that interested in them.

I'm so close to giving up on women. I love em, love to talk to them, love to look at them, love to know them and be close with them... I'm just so sick of being something I'm not to them. I'm not your saviour.

[Jayelle]

Dear Bob,

I'm sitting in my ballpit and surfing the net. This is the best waste of money ever!

Seriously?

[Yebra]

Dear Bob,

I'm sitting in my ballpit and surfing the net. This is the best waste of money ever!

Seriously?

Seriously.



It was much more full before the party, tedious to clear up after BUT TOTALLY AWESOME.

[starlooker]

Yebra, looking at that picture, I am almost overcome with the urge to ask you to marry me. I'm holding off, but it's difficult.

Dear Bob,

Today I am busy and excited. I've been talking to a friend about all the things I want for my apartment, and I'm just going crazy with plans. I have a rather lengthy list of items I want to make it look less college and more grown-up. Transitional, as it were. None of these things are unreasonable to want for a person my age, it's just I haven't been able to afford them. But I am positively yearning for a nice vacuum cleaner, window treatments that match, a real (if cheap) dining room table and chair set, some decent knives with which to cook, a pretty, cozy recliner for my bedroom, and, of course, the ever-present longing for a piano. I want end tables artistically draped with cloth.

I will have so much space. I am thrilled. I won't have that much money, but if I get there before garage sale season ends -- well, yeah.

Nesting. Nesting. My friend A says that it's natural, it will happen every summer, and will only end after I've spent a certain amount of money.

Also, the local police department has crime statistics for every neighborhood in the city, and it turns out I am going to be living in one of the safest areas. I'm very happy about this, as well.

[Oliver Dale]

Dear Bob,

I'm sitting in my ballpit and surfing the net. This is the best waste of money ever!

Seriously?

Seriously.



It was much more full before the party, tedious to clear up after BUT TOTALLY AWESOME.

I demand to know where you purchased these items.

[Rei]

Yebra, looking at that picture, I am almost overcome with the urge to ask you to marry me. I'm holding off, but it's difficult.

Hell, I'm suppressing that urge. I'd never have believed it if I didn't see the picture.

[Petra456]

Yebra, what is that? It looks like a kiddy pool or something.

[Luet]

But I am positively yearning for a nice vacuum cleaner, window treatments that match,

When I first read that, I somehow read it as 'window treatments to match the vacuum cleaner'. And I thought, well, THAT is unusual. hehe.

[Ela]

Dear Bob, Dear Friends,

My mom died after a brief, unexpected illness. She was 85 years old and lived a long, full life.

[Young Val]

::::

[Jayelle]

*hugs Ela*

[powerfulcheese04]

Aw, Ela *hugs*

[locke]

:Hugs:

[Rei]

*Hugs Ela*