Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[Dr. Mobius]

Hey Bob,

So, this semester I took a class called "Austen Only" where we only read Jane Austen books and watched at least 1 filmic adaptation for all of them (except Northanger Abbey. We didn't watch that one. I'm still upset about the ending of Persuasion, actually. KISSING ON THE STREET?!?! FOLLOWED BY A FREAKING CIRCUS?!? WTF! Seriously. WTF.)

Anyway, back to the point of this rant...

I'm writing a paper for this class. 10-15 pages (which is a ridiculously large range. I'm aiming for the 15 page side of the range.) We got to pick our own topics and I thought I'd be smart and pick something that I'd sort of talked about in class that she said would be a great one for me to write my final paper about.

So, in Freudian theory, there's this semiotic diad where mother and baby are bonded so closely baby isn't sure where it starts and mommy begins. With boys, dad challenges this diad, baby identifies with dad (due to penis-having), baby breaks diad, baby gets all Oedipal and crap (this then leads to what literary folk call the heterosexualization plot). However, since girls don't have penises, girl baby can't identify with dad. So, how does it break the diad and heterosexualize? According to Freud, by some kind of violent dis-identification with the mother ("I HATE HER!"), or, as I posited (because we were reading P&P) by identifying with an aunt. "*gasp*" says prof, "you should write about that."

So, I am. Mostly.

I'm writing about the avuncular role in 19th century literature but especially Jane Austen's P&P and Mansfield Park. I'm positing that the traditional avuncular function can be a plot device ("Oh look! Money! From my dead uncle in India! Rock!") or as a device to encourage a girl's psychosexual development (Breaking Fanny's diad by removing her from her mother to MP at age 10.) I'm then positing that the avuncular function does not adequately describe the role of the aunt... so I'm making up a new term-- tantular.

Anyway, apparently the only people who write about the avuncular function are queer theorists. Which is fine. It's an interesting field, but JA didn't really write about queer people. She just didn't. I'm sorry. But, that means that very little of the articles I'm reading actually applies directly to my paper. However, maybe that means the prof will be impressed at my extension and application skills?

Anyway, rargh.

I'm currently at the tippy-top of page 12 with a conclusion to write.

Kimmie, I adore you.

And I am frightened by you. I bow before your superior lit mojo.

While I'm amused by all of you weirdos.

[Claire]

Dear Bob,
5 years. Wow.
-Claire

[zeroguy]

I'm then positing that the avuncular function does not adequately describe the role of the aunt... so I'm making up a new term-- tantular.

You used several big words I didn't understand, but when looking up 'avuncular' I saw 'materteral'; that doesn't work?

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

My mom had my kitties declawed last week. We had talked about it a few times since before we got them, and up until recently we were both on the same page, that we didn't want it done. Well, my landlord's wife talked my mom into it (because she had had 2 cats put through it with no trouble) so last week they went in. I didn't even realize they were gone (because the 2 nights they were gone I came home really late and went straight to bed) but they certainly missed me when I came back.

Declawing scares me. I don't like it from a theological standpoint - wherein we, as humans, are cutting the toes off of other animals we claim to love to make them more convenient to have in our household. Moreover, I just don't really like the idea of the surgery itself, nor do I like the (relatively) high rate of complications.

However, I don't believe anything strongly enough to fight my mom on it, so she went and had it done.

So now it's done, and they're home, and on a steady twice-daily dose of morphine. Chloe seems to have taken pretty well to it. She's a little suckier than usual, but that kind of experience (combined with the drugs) can do that. Toby scares me, though. He's suckier too, but now he's quite vocal (our cats are both practically silent except for their purrs), and he gets really scared and runs under the couch a lot which he never used to do unless we were playing. I'm scared he's hurting. He never used to do this before, where he won't leave my side, and keeps meowing begging for attention. It's not that he's giving me any real signs of what's wrong, he just....he's different, and it scares me.

I love my cats far too much to see them in pain

--Cam

[Luet]

Aww, I'm sorry Cam. I'm against declawing for the same reasons you stated. That sucks. I hope they recover quickly.

[Wil]

Bob,

I am f****** ELATED! I aced all four of my classes this semester. I do not know HOW the hell I didn't end up with a B+ for Math as to do this I needed to get 30/32 questions on the final correct, knowing I missed one... but I did it. I managed to maintain my 4.0gpa.

Apparently my brain works... who'd have thunk it?

[powerfulcheese04]

Ollie and Kelly:

Cam:

Awwww... poor kitties. At the SPCA we strongly recommend against declawing. It's really not fair to them and can tend to lead to a lot of behavioral problems. Poor kitties.

[anonshadow]

Dear Bob,

The nightmares about him have to stop. So does my looking over my shoulder every time I go outside and locking my door obsessively so he can't get in and hide when I'm gone.

This needs to stop.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,
Things just keep getting...interesting. I can't say 'worse,' because I'm not sure it is worse. Whatever it is, it sure as hell is not good. CPS has started doing interviews with the kids. My brother is not leaving his (ex?) girlfriend/mother of his children no matter what...her girlfriend won't leave either. The loathing I have for that stupid, stupid little girl.

My mom is stressing out and so am I. I try really hard to have a sense of humor about all of this, to rationalize everything, to keep in mind, "Everything will be okay." But I don't really believe that.

My stress is manifesting itself in not so wonderful ways: I'm exhausted all the time, I'm eating tons and putting on weight - which makes me feel like crap, I'm more cranky than normal some days, other days I feel completely numb and useless. I wake up every single night, multiple times from the dreams. I've had bad dreams my whole life through, but these are worse than normal.

I feel like being around people but I don't want to talk to them; I just want to be surrounded by them.

Bob, I've thought some real jerky things in the past three or four days, none of which I'm proud of and won't repeat here. I just need a little more strength to push past this, ya know? I'm sort of running on Empty.

[Luet]

A Bob/Insomnia/Confessions post:

I just gave up on trying to fall asleep without the aid of medication. I was lying there and every time I closed my eyes I got a strange sense. Like a spinning sensation but different...it was a sense of largeness. Like my body, myself, was really big laying on a tiny pillow. I had to keep opening my eyes to see things in their proper size perspective.

I also kept visualizing bad things that I've never done and would probably never do but for some reason want to do. Cutting and other self-harming type things.

I am so sick of being inadequate and damaged and I'm really losing hope that it will ever be better than this. And it's not fair to him. He doesn't deserve it.

I've done therapy. I'm on medication. What else is there to do?

My constant acute reason for living is still my lizard. How sad is that.

[BonitoDeMadrid]

Bob,

Math, thursday. Grammar, next wednesday. Law, next sunday. Literature AND Geography, one after another.
And it's only gonna get worse..-_-

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,
I am about ready for mini breakdown #[insert actual number here]; my data discs are all gone. 7 years worth of pictures (FOB -both concerts, NYC, CHICAGO, my grandpa), school work, MP3s, you name it, all gone. Most of it irreplaceable.

If this is supposed to be a life lesson, the only thing it will teach me is to never trust people because they can't keep their hands off other people's things.

[Olhado_]

Bob,

It is me again coming to share my sob stories with you, no I did not do anything bad this time Bob; but I have been thinking. I have been thinking a lot about people about how I treat people about how people treat me. You know what Bob I sometimes do not know why people still put up with me, after everything I do to them in return. There are even people here who continue to trust me and talk to me, even after I treated them badly.

And you know what I will probably end up treating everyone badly; perhaps it is just my nature. It is one reason I keep to myself a lot in life because I am afraid that deep down I am just cruel. I have mentioned the Jekyll and Hyde analogies before; but this is stemming from another movie/story The Kite Runner. I will not give away anything; but let us just say I can relate to one of the characters and his family. I feel that with my family, especially; but also beyond. I cannot yet say it to my family; but I want to take the time to thank a few kind hearted people who have forgiven me in the past here, even if for some of them they probably should not have.

Thank you Powerfulcheese04

Thank you Peters_Girl

Thank you Oliver_Dale

Kim and Alea, I know I have never met you and I only really know you from Pweb; but ever since I behaved cruel and/or creepy to you, you still find ways of saying some of the kindest things to me, when I am down.

Rahl (always Rahl the "mod-god" here online), I think you have seen me on my two worse occasions, one here and the other Freshman year. It is those two personalities that I am most afraid of and yet we have manage to stay friends after both occasions. I really want to thank you, Rahl. I just wish I had not lost contact with our college friend since she forgave me relatively quickly as well.


I know these are all old topics that I keep bringing up; but I cannot help myself since no matter what I cannot forgive myself, for being cruel and mean to people, really to anyone; but especially those people who show me kindness.

Anyways, Bob thank you for letting me say that and to the rest of Pweb, even if I did not call you out specifically Thank you for just being there. I will always come back, no matter how infrequently I post.

[powerfulcheese04]

Chris,

*hugs*

[Luet]

Bob,

A person that I am acquainted with in a limited way had approached me a few times to let me know that if I wanted/needed to talk, she was there to listen. Since I've been having a really hard time lately, I bit the bullet, called her and spilled it ALL. I told her everything, more than I've told anyone. And I cried a lot. But a few things: she believed me completely despite (or because of?) knowing the players from a previous context; she makes for a great lay-therapist, better than my real one had been; and she gave me very constructive homework. I feel better than I have in a long time.

[Rei]

Bob,

I feel sick. And this time I know it's all in my head. And that scares me.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

Overall, I'm glad I stayed here for break. I have two weeks of heavy traveling ahead of me, and I'm glad it's not a month away from my normal habitats.

December 23rd was a big party at my Aunt Pat's house. Thirty-two relatives. FOOD. Oh my heavens and stars, FOOD.

Christmas Eve I spent with my boyfriend and his family, as well as parts of Christmas Day. His mother got me a little stocking so I wasn't left out, and a couple of gifts. He went completely overboard. I did not object. My happiest moment was when he was opening his Christmas Eve gifts. Earlier that evening, he'd told me that he wanted to get me a stuffed bunny (long story), but did I know how difficult it was to find stuffed rabbits in December? Well, as a matter of fact, I did know. I can vouch for the fact that there are NO stuffed rabbits in Grand Forks, ND the week before Christmas. However, there are two in Fargo, and I had bought one. So, I got to give him that and tell the story about finding it and that was fun.

And then my boyfriend surprised me on my birthday, sorta Basically, a bunch of people met at Green Mill, where he was supposedly taking me alone. I even got balloons! I'm a total dork over the balloons.

No one, other than my parents, has ever done anything for my birthday before (well, other than surprise cake slice at a restaurant when I was 18, turning 19 -- nearly a decade ago). This is generally because I am not near any of my friends for my birthday. Or so I like to tell myself. It was nice being around a bunch of people who apparently thought getting together to sing happy birthday to me would be an okay kind of thing to do. (I got sang happy birthday to! In public! I blushed mightily.) We went bar-hopping later. I was hungover on the 29th. It was fun enough that it was worth it.

And I was very happy and spoiled all Christmas/Birthday season long.

[Eaquae Legit]

Dear Bob,

I'm so, so tired. I don't know if I'll make it through church.

[BonitoDeMadrid]

Bob,

I feel like stupidity is laughing in my face, again and again, over the day, and I can't seem to stop laughing...But the fact that I AM laughing troubles me as well.

[Wil]

Bob,

I just had a 45 minute conversation with myself in pwebchat. So pathetic I am. No more posts here, all it has done is turn me into a f****** twat.

Laters.

[Eddie Pinz]

Dear Bob,

New Year's eve/New Year's day was pretty exciting. Fun at the bar with people that I haven't seen that much lately. Which turned into a huge bar fight, that I was involved in of course. Afterwards, I was alone with my girlfriend with no interuptions until 12pm New Year's day. Then laid around all day. Pretty much the happiest I've been in a while. Even the bar fight was kind of fun, just for the pure excitement of it.

[Yebra]

[blank]

[zeroguy]

Dear Bob,

Some days some things speak more to you than you'd expect or like.

-me

PS. It took a few days, but I think I'm finally realizing "holy crap it's 2008". I think seeing the pweb timestamps made me finally realize that.

[Claire]

Bob,

Just bought tickets to see Spring Awakening! I paid an arm and a leg so it better be as good as I'm expecting. Don't tell me it was bad, please, I might punch you in the face.

-Claire

[Petra456]

Bob,

: (

- me

[RandomMaker]

Dear Bob,
One of the posts above mine reminded me of this: I'll be seeing Spring Awakening again in less than a month!
I loved it before, and I'm so excited that I have another chance to see it. And without it costing as much
-me

[locke]

Bob,

yeah, breaking up is still hard to do, even when you've only dated for two months and know you don't love the girl and it really must be ended here. it still gets to you, rationalize all you want, the feelings happen anyway.

the funny thing is that I sort of knew it wouldn't work out when she told me she'd never read Harry Potter and wasn't interested in reading them. wrong foot right from the start

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,
Bad procrastinator that I am, I just barely applied for admission to the local college to take an EDU class and classes start Monday.

Did I mention the forms need to be turned in in-person, I don't have a car and the college is about 17 miles from my home and further from my school?

Bah, I say.

[Dr. Mobius]

Goddammit Bob, I need to get my sleep patterns under control. It does me no good to get 8 hours one night if I only get 4 each of the two nights before and the night after.

[Darth Petra]

Bob,
I'm bored. Help me.

[shadow-petra]

Bob!!

Only one more week left of school!!! I'm so excited. I'll have a little more than two weeks of free time. I think I'll go revisit Emerson, walk around Boston, do some last minute shopping for China. The girls in the group were supposed to have a sleepover, but i think that's out. We're still trying to go airsofting, though.

[Petra456]

Bob, I love watching things.

I spent most of my night at Chuck E Cheese's (for my sister's birthday... she just turned 28 ) watching my sister and her friend play one game all night.

I'm sitting here right now watching my brother in-law and his friend play Lego Star Wars on the Wii and I couldn't be more relaxed. The weird thing is, I don't really like watching TV all that much.

I've also tried my first bit of Champagne tonight and it was one of the worst things i've ever tasted.

Bleh.

I'm also dead tired and can't get to sleep. I've been having the hardest time sleeping through the night now that I have my whole bed back to myself. At least I only have to deal with it for less then a month this time.

- me

[Darth Petra]

Dear bob,
I thought I had a report due tomorrow, and I haven't even started it yet. Then, I found out it's really due on Friday!!!!! I have four more days!

[zeroguy]

Dear Bob,

So that's what those are. Huh.

-me

[Darth Petra]

Dear Bob,

So that's what those are. Huh.

-me

I always wondered...