Confessions of a 20-something mother
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- Soldier
- Posts: 342
- Joined: Sun Nov 26, 2006 4:47 am
- Location: Carson Cityish... Nevada
- Contact:
I moved to Portland at the end of April to do a 17-month internship. Living and working on an organic farm. Farming is what I've wanted for as long as I can remember. I didn't prepare myself for how big a change it was going to be.
Friday was the one month evaluation. Because, for various reasons, I don't belong at their farm, they let me go.
My grandfather made it through his surgery.
I think the past month was the worst and best month I've ever had. I learned a lot. About myself and what I find un/acceptable. About the people on the farm. About Portland. I lost a lot. My best friend. 35 pounds. The idea that I could live without people I love around.
I can't look at salad without feeling a tinge of dread.
I've cried more in this month than the past 6 combined.
I've complained so much this month and hate myself for it.
I wish people would tell me they hate me and never want to talk to me again.
I started smoking again. I plan to quit after this pack. not because i want to but because i don't want to deal with people telling me it's bad for me.
i sat on the porch smoking a cigarette thinking "i wonder if i've got cancer and just don't know yet." i think it's one of the good things about not having health insurance; it's one of the bad things, too, obviously.
i've been going between being okay and wishing i could die. i don't know that i can do what i need to do right now -- get a job and figure out what the hell i'm doing with my life.
Friday was the one month evaluation. Because, for various reasons, I don't belong at their farm, they let me go.
My grandfather made it through his surgery.
I think the past month was the worst and best month I've ever had. I learned a lot. About myself and what I find un/acceptable. About the people on the farm. About Portland. I lost a lot. My best friend. 35 pounds. The idea that I could live without people I love around.
I can't look at salad without feeling a tinge of dread.
I've cried more in this month than the past 6 combined.
I've complained so much this month and hate myself for it.
I wish people would tell me they hate me and never want to talk to me again.
I started smoking again. I plan to quit after this pack. not because i want to but because i don't want to deal with people telling me it's bad for me.
i sat on the porch smoking a cigarette thinking "i wonder if i've got cancer and just don't know yet." i think it's one of the good things about not having health insurance; it's one of the bad things, too, obviously.
i've been going between being okay and wishing i could die. i don't know that i can do what i need to do right now -- get a job and figure out what the hell i'm doing with my life.
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- Soldier
- Posts: 433
- Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2006 10:00 pm
- Title: Guilty
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- Soldier
- Posts: 433
- Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2006 10:00 pm
- Title: Guilty
Confession: I'm posting this on an anonymous s/n, using an anonymous proxy server, scared s***** anyone might know this is me.
Confession: I have Human papillomavirus. Also known as genital warts. I don't know how I got it, but it's been there for at least 6 months. I am too scared to tell anyone, even my doctor about it, but it's getting worse.
Confession: I am extremely uncomfortable trying to meet new people for fear they will find out and shun me.
Confession: I have Human papillomavirus. Also known as genital warts. I don't know how I got it, but it's been there for at least 6 months. I am too scared to tell anyone, even my doctor about it, but it's getting worse.
Confession: I am extremely uncomfortable trying to meet new people for fear they will find out and shun me.
The password is "guilty"
- Luet
- Speaker for the Dead
- Posts: 4511
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 3:49 pm
- Title: Bird Nerd
- First Joined: 01 Jul 2000
- Location: Albany, NY
Well, in case you're a female and don't know, that is a risk factor for cervical cancer so please make sure to get your annual pap smears regularly.
And I know this won't really help, but it's so much less of a big deal than it seems to you. *hug*
And I know this won't really help, but it's so much less of a big deal than it seems to you. *hug*
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa
- eggbalancer
- Launchie
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Sun Dec 10, 2006 11:51 am
- Contact:
I am waiting for something catastrophic to happen so that we can declare martial law and live in our crawlspace. It would be fun! Now I just need to convince my wife to let me buy a few guns. Hopefully before the whole martial law thing...
"I probably wouldn't pillage someone for just their wallet."
I went out with my friends last night and got kinda drunk. For your average 20-year-old college student, this is normal, but for me, it is not. I feel very weird about it, and kind of freaked out. Especially because I didn't bring a map or bus map with me, so we pretty much got home by luck. The only thing that makes me feel better is that at least I wasn't nearly as drunk as two of my friends. Ugh, weird.
And why I do I automatically assume that I need to be the responsible one? (Answer? Because, frankly, I am....)
And why I do I automatically assume that I need to be the responsible one? (Answer? Because, frankly, I am....)
"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"
- Young Val
- Commander
- Posts: 3166
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 7:00 pm
- Title: Papermaster
- First Joined: 12 Sep 2000
- Location: from New York City to St. Paul, MN (but I'm a Boston girl at heart).
- Contact:
Confession:
so, until very very recently, i was poor. and i don't mean strapped for cash or anything. i mean i was POOR. i was working four jobs, seven days a week, roughly 14 hours a day, and i still couldn't pay my rent on the first of the month, not ever. i could barely eat, let alone afford a metro card to get me back and forth between jobs. my cell phone got shut off for a few months for non-payment. the only reason i had a computer is because i don't actually have my own computer; my roommate is kind enough to let me use hers.
and there're these things called student loans. which you can only ignore for so long before you get into a lot of trouble.
and i ignored mine WAY beyond that point.
and i am in way more than a lot of trouble.
but my confession is, now that i finally have the money to start making payments, i'm too afraid to talk to these people on the phone to get a plan worked out (they call a minimum of five times a day, and yes, on saturdays too).
i am, actually in the process of getting this under control. but i reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally would rather keep ignoring it. not because i don't want to pay up, but because i'm terrified of these people and i hate being yelled at, expecially when something is my own fault.
no lectures, please. just venting.
so, until very very recently, i was poor. and i don't mean strapped for cash or anything. i mean i was POOR. i was working four jobs, seven days a week, roughly 14 hours a day, and i still couldn't pay my rent on the first of the month, not ever. i could barely eat, let alone afford a metro card to get me back and forth between jobs. my cell phone got shut off for a few months for non-payment. the only reason i had a computer is because i don't actually have my own computer; my roommate is kind enough to let me use hers.
and there're these things called student loans. which you can only ignore for so long before you get into a lot of trouble.
and i ignored mine WAY beyond that point.
and i am in way more than a lot of trouble.
but my confession is, now that i finally have the money to start making payments, i'm too afraid to talk to these people on the phone to get a plan worked out (they call a minimum of five times a day, and yes, on saturdays too).
i am, actually in the process of getting this under control. but i reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally would rather keep ignoring it. not because i don't want to pay up, but because i'm terrified of these people and i hate being yelled at, expecially when something is my own fault.
no lectures, please. just venting.
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
- Luet
- Speaker for the Dead
- Posts: 4511
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 3:49 pm
- Title: Bird Nerd
- First Joined: 01 Jul 2000
- Location: Albany, NY
aww, i wish you had your own personal nomi there to call them for you. i would so do it for you. that's what I do for my friends. i call and pretend to be said friend and handle messy customer service issues. it's what i was BORN to do. sorry babe.
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa
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- Soldier
- Posts: 433
- Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2006 10:00 pm
- Title: Guilty
Don't go thinking I'm not thankful / Cause me, I've got my hands full / of good things
I find it despicable when people put my complaints and problems in "perspective" by propping them up next to the problems of those "less fortunate" than I am in an attempt to illustrate my comparative "wealth."
I find it despicable when people put my complaints and problems in "perspective" by propping them up next to the problems of those "less fortunate" than I am in an attempt to illustrate my comparative "wealth."
The password is "guilty"
- daPyr0x
- Toon Leader
- Posts: 820
- Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 5:28 pm
- Title: Firebug
- Location: Inside the blackhole that became of my heart
Confession: I feel increasingly comfortable using the confessions s/n when I see others using it as well
Confession: I like it when I understand hidden meanings.
Confession: I'm going on 3 weeks of days I've told myself to call the doctor to try and make an appointment for my depression.
Confession: I long for a career change, and yet the approaching appointment I have yet to make forces me to keep my current position for the benefits.
Confession: I like it when I understand hidden meanings.
Confession: I'm going on 3 weeks of days I've told myself to call the doctor to try and make an appointment for my depression.
Confession: I long for a career change, and yet the approaching appointment I have yet to make forces me to keep my current position for the benefits.
- Young Val
- Commander
- Posts: 3166
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 7:00 pm
- Title: Papermaster
- First Joined: 12 Sep 2000
- Location: from New York City to St. Paul, MN (but I'm a Boston girl at heart).
- Contact:
confession: Jo's refusal of Laurie never ever bothered me until i hit puberty. it made complete and total sense when i was a girl, and i actually thought him and Amy were quite sweet.
then BAM! i started ovulating and oh-my-god it was the worst literary betrayal i'd ever read.
i read this book religiously at least once every three months or so. and every single time my outrage increases.
Louisa, Louisa, what the hell were you smoking when you dashed off Good Wives?
i'm literally writhing i'm so frustrated right now--and i've only just got to the scene where Jo and Teddy first meet! *sigh*
i'm such a girl.
then BAM! i started ovulating and oh-my-god it was the worst literary betrayal i'd ever read.
i read this book religiously at least once every three months or so. and every single time my outrage increases.
Louisa, Louisa, what the hell were you smoking when you dashed off Good Wives?
i'm literally writhing i'm so frustrated right now--and i've only just got to the scene where Jo and Teddy first meet! *sigh*
i'm such a girl.
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
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- Toon Leader
- Posts: 2454
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 2:36 pm
- Title: Rocky Mountain Mama
- First Joined: 0- 8-2000
- Location: colorado, baby!
I can't fall asleep by myself very well.
Brian now works until midnight, putting him home closer to 1am, so I have to go to bed by myself. I find myself putting off going to bed every night, since it's hard for me to do alone.
Brian now works until midnight, putting him home closer to 1am, so I have to go to bed by myself. I find myself putting off going to bed every night, since it's hard for me to do alone.
"When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time." - Jamie Cullum
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time." - Jamie Cullum
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- Commander
- Posts: 8017
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 7:32 pm
- Title: Ewok in Tauntaun-land
A coworker and friend of mine is trying to find my myspace page - I made it as difficult to find as possible, though she now has my personal email address, which should do the trick- and (confession part here) I'm hoping she doesn't find it.
Because she'll want to add me.
And then she'll see that I have a grand total of 16 people friended.
And I think she, like most people, would judge me on that without meaning to do so.
Because she'll want to add me.
And then she'll see that I have a grand total of 16 people friended.
And I think she, like most people, would judge me on that without meaning to do so.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.
- Mich
- Commander
- Posts: 2948
- Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2006 10:58 am
- Title: T.U.R.T.L.E. Power
- First Joined: 02 Apr 2002
- Location: Land o' Ports
- Contact:
I'll confess that I don't like people that will add just anyone as their friends; I prefer to keep my list short and to contain only those that I actually consider true friends.
Of course, I don't MySpace, I Facebook, but it's pretty much the same thing.
Of course, I don't MySpace, I Facebook, but it's pretty much the same thing.
Shell the unshellable, crawl the uncrawlible.
Row--row.
Row--row.
- Luet
- Speaker for the Dead
- Posts: 4511
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 3:49 pm
- Title: Bird Nerd
- First Joined: 01 Jul 2000
- Location: Albany, NY
Confession: I only joined myspace to read Kelly's posts. And then I ended up using it to try to locate some long lost cousins on my dad's side of the family - which was successful. Those are the only three friends I have listed on myspace and I am quite content with that.
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa
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- Speaker for the Dead
- Posts: 2539
- Joined: Thu Sep 28, 2006 12:11 pm
- Title: Stayin' Alive
- First Joined: 17 Aug 2002
- Location: Evansville, IN
- Oliver Dale
- Former Speaker
- Posts: 601
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 5:24 pm
- Title: Trapped in the Trunk!
- Young Val
- Commander
- Posts: 3166
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 7:00 pm
- Title: Papermaster
- First Joined: 12 Sep 2000
- Location: from New York City to St. Paul, MN (but I'm a Boston girl at heart).
- Contact:
confession: as much as i might miss him (a lot), and as much as i still love him (a LOT), i don't actually need henry in my life in order to be successful and happy.
...plus he was sort of an a******.
...plus he was sort of an a******.
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
- starlooker
- Commander
- Posts: 3823
- Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 4:19 pm
- Title: Dr. Mom
- First Joined: 28 Oct 2002
- Location: Home. With cats who have names.
- daPyr0x
- Toon Leader
- Posts: 820
- Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 5:28 pm
- Title: Firebug
- Location: Inside the blackhole that became of my heart
Confession: At a time when family doctors are at a premium and it's highly publicized that wait times are increasing dramatically; I'm so grateful that when I finally get the cajones to call my doctor is able to take me the very next day.
That scares the s*** out of me, but it only has to scare me for 11 more hours and then it can be done.
That scares the s*** out of me, but it only has to scare me for 11 more hours and then it can be done.
- Luet
- Speaker for the Dead
- Posts: 4511
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 3:49 pm
- Title: Bird Nerd
- First Joined: 01 Jul 2000
- Location: Albany, NY
YES.confession: as much as i might miss him (a lot), and as much as i still love him (a LOT), i don't actually need henry in my life in order to be successful and happy.
...plus he was sort of an a******.
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa
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- Speaker for the Dead
- Posts: 4027
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 1:32 pm
- Title: Queen Ducky
- First Joined: 25 Feb 2002
- Location: The Far East (of Canada)
Confession: I just found out my new nephew's name. It's Damien. I hate it. It sounds like demon. It's the kid from the Omen. I keep saying it out loud, trying to like it, but ick! Why did they choose that name?
(no offence to anyone on this board whose real name is Damien. It's a nice name, really.)
No it's not!
(no offence to anyone on this board whose real name is Damien. It's a nice name, really.)
No it's not!
One Duck to rule them all.
--------------------------------
It needs to be about 20% cooler.
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It needs to be about 20% cooler.
- ValentineNicole
- Soldier
- Posts: 425
- Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2006 4:16 pm
- Title: Femme Fatale
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- Soldier
- Posts: 433
- Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2006 10:00 pm
- Title: Guilty
- Mich
- Commander
- Posts: 2948
- Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2006 10:58 am
- Title: T.U.R.T.L.E. Power
- First Joined: 02 Apr 2002
- Location: Land o' Ports
- Contact:
My sister called today. Turned out she and her boyfriend had run all the way to Tennessee to get him away from the cops, but now she's realized the only way she can get away from him without him following is to come back home, where the warrant still exists.
And I confess that I half-hoped she, her boyfriend, and my nephew would never turn up (or worse), and we could all just... get on without them.
And I confess that I half-hoped she, her boyfriend, and my nephew would never turn up (or worse), and we could all just... get on without them.
Shell the unshellable, crawl the uncrawlible.
Row--row.
Row--row.
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- Commander
- Posts: 2535
- Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2006 11:22 am
- Title: is real!
- First Joined: 0- 9-2004
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