Jokes (or, make someone smile today)

[Qing_Jao]

I stole this from NickBondPlatypi007.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him one and then comes back when he sees he's finished.
"Would you like another one, sir?"
"I think not."
Descartes vanishes.

*badda bing, badda boom.*

[Dr. Mobius]

His name is Samson.

[Bevis]

My wife just sent me this email:

FROM: John Hieronymus, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 01, 2006

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place

on December 21, starting at noon in the private function room at the

Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a

small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And

don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A

Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees

can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $25.00 to make

the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only

for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: John Hieronymus, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 02, 2006

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often

coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,

from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy

applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still

celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present.

No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your

enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: John Hieronymus, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 03, 2006

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

requesting a non-drinking table .. you didn't sign your name. I'm happy

to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,

"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to

handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts

exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $25.00 is too

much money and executives believe $25.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

FROM: John Hieronymus, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: December 04, 2006

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the

Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during

daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a

luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'

beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until

the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home

in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for

members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and

pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are

allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay

men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower

arrangement for the Gay men' s table. To the person asking permission to

cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster

seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a

diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those

people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh

fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"

desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

FROM: John Hieronymus, Human Resources Director

TO: All F**king Employees

DATE: December 05, 2006

RE: The F**king Holiday Party

Vegetarian pr*cks..... I've had it with you people!!! We're going to

keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you

can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you

so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f**king salad bar, including

organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream

when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream

right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bi**h from HELL!!!!!!!!

[Dr. Mobius]

This is why I hate political correctness. If you give into one special interest group, you have to accommodate them all or you're a bigot. However, if you're a bigot from the very beginning, whether it's intentional or not, and stay that way, no one seems to mind as much.

[Bevis]

Yep, bigotry's bad. I try to hate everybody equally.

Really, I try to avoid stereotyping in my own honest assesment of a person. I think most people pick up on that rather easily because I get away with a lot of racial jests at work.

[Dr. Mobius]

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.” - WC Fields

[Bevis]

Hah, I didn't even know I was a plagiarist. Now back to the jokes-

3 men walk into a bar. The 4th one ducked.

[lovesonia]

I like this one better:

'Two blondes walk into a bar....


You'd think they'd have seen it.'

My mommy told that to me the other day. It took repeating for me to get it. They say the bleach finally got to my brain and killed some of the brain cells... I believe it.

[VelvetElvis]

That's why I don't dye my hair.

[lyons24000]

If you look at my pictures in the photo thread then you'll see why I don't dye my hair.

[Qing_Jao]

Christmas Carols for the Psychologist (taken from one of my MUDs
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Full Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe
12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

[LilBee91]

Dad: I wish our lawn was emo.
Kid: Why?
Dad: Then it would cut itself.


Yeah...it's kind of lame, but I laughed.