Wedding Planning!

[Petra]

Why would you do this to me. I never used to be one of those wedding people, and all of a sudden I find myself addicted. Like, 24-hour marathons of David Tutera addicted.

Must. Read. Entire. Thread.

[VelvetElvis]

Today is our half-iversary. It makes me way excited.

[Brendan]

Recently, my mom and I were discussing who I would invite to my wedding, and needless to say MY view of how it will go is causing a rift.

My partner and I aren't formally engaged but it's coming soon - in any case, my uncle is dating a woman who has two children (one is 15, the other is 19). Her son, the older child, has a girlfriend and two children with her. While my uncle has been dating this woman for a few years, I am not close to her kids and don't feel that I should be obligated to invite an additional 5 people, including this woman's grandkids. I'm even getting pressure to invite my uncle's girlfriend's MOTHER (so, 6 extra people). Talk about distance.

When my cousin married (my uncle's son), there was also a lot of grief surrounding his refusal to invite the girlfriend's daughter. Finally he caved and invited her, and she didn't come anyway.

Many people in my family, including my mother, are incredibly manipulative and aren't above throwing their weight around to get their own way. My mom weighs almost 400 pounds and decided to throw her weight around regarding my cousin's wedding too. She kept pressuring him about making sure he got chairs strong enough to support her. When he posted on Facebook asking if anyone knew where he could get sturdy chairs, she threw a fit, complaining that he was 'making fun of her' despite never even acknowledging her in his post. She then threatened not to attend his wedding - I'm not sure if this was to his face or not, but she was telling several other people in the family.

This is one of the reasons why I've told my partner that I would like to elope - I don't want to deal with drama surrounding who I do or don't invite and all of that other garbage. I can think of nothing more romantic than having a wedding that's purely about us, doing what we'd like, and coming home to tell everyone about how great our Honeymoon was without any of 'em involved! I am kidding to an extent - we have some great family members between us but there are always at least a few to cause trouble.

My mom has offered to put money on the wedding, and I have insisted since the start that I will not accept it. We don't need it. And, frankly, if she doesn't have money involved, it gives her less sway in any decisions I make. It is not her wedding and she's going to have to learn that. I feel that her 'offer' is really just a way to try and get control over the family and who will be invited.

She's even mentioned distant aunts and uncles whom I see once or twice a year tops. She's even been trying to invent EXCUSES for why these people aren't being invited. I am so tired of this nonsense - she's not my PR spokesperson. If people ask me why they weren't invited, I would outright explain that we want a small wedding. Or, depending on mood - I'd tell 'em it's none of their business.

How did you handle relatives who wanted to tell you how to run your affair? I am so tempted to just tell these people who threaten not to come, "Great! We'll take your name off the guest list tonight. So sorry you won't be able to come!" but I know that's the fed-up side of me coming through.

Should I feel -BAD- for not inviting the mother, children and grandchildren of my uncle's girlfriend? They've been together for about three years. Otherwise, we were only inviting close friends, immediate family, first cousins (mine, anyway - we were raised together), and aunts and uncles.

[VelvetElvis]

I was lucky in that my family left me the hell alone while planning. The drama surrounding my wedding was completely from the church.

[Luet]

Weddings are so incredibly stressful. If you can handle the emotional pressure from your mom, etc, I would stick to your guns and only invite who you want. It IS your wedding and you should only have people there that truly mean something to you. Or go with the elopement idea.

[Young Val]

Brendan,

Get thee to apracticalwedding.com and comb through the Ask Team Practical section. I'm pretty sure they cover this exact problem in one of their posts. And/or check A PRACTICAL WEDDING out of your local library.

Beyond that, ultimately it's your wedding. If your mother offers to contribute financially to your wedding and you accept her money, then you should listen to her input and opinions, but ultimately the final decision belongs to you and your partner. Period. If you don't want to entertain her input at all, don't accept any money from her. Be kind, but firm, and know that she probably just wants what's best for you--even if her version of "best" doesn't match yours. Assume positive intent!

That said, wedding planning can be utter hell. I know. Mine currently is.

[Gravity Defier]

That said, wedding planning can be utter hell. I know. Mine currently is.

Did you decide anything on the officiant stuff? (And if that's a stressful question, by all means, don't answer for my curiosity's sake.)

[VelvetElvis]

Officiant-finding bites it big time. I was really stressed the it was his mom who would marry us, but with some time to soothe the feelings, it doesn't matter as much.

[Young Val]

Most wedding stuff is on hold (sort of) to get us through the holidays, but updates are as follows:

We went to the Secret Favorite caterers for a tasting and it was mind-blowingly delicious and wonderful, and I LOVE them and so thoroughly enjoy working with them and believe in their small business and what they do and want so much to support them and to have them be a part of our wedding because kids, the food was INSANE.

However, David has had a crisis of faith over the bill, which would be over 2/3rds of our total budget. Yes, we would be dropping a LOT of money on the food. Which we knew going in and had discussed at length and all that. BUT. David is full-on panicking about it. So, and god, it actually pains me to say this, we are starting all over with the catering. David has agreed to do all the research himself and try to find us a more affordable option. I am certain he won't be able to find a better deal for the same type of food/service we are looking for, since I'm pretty confident in the months of research/work I put into this. If we want to cut the food budget, we're going to have to cut the quality of the food and the services that we had agreed on, which makes me sad (not that I wouldn't do it, mind). I am trying very hard not to take any of this personally as an insuination that I didn't do a good enough job the first time around, and so far I am doing an ok with that. David swears we will have a new round of options by the beginning of February and hopefully be tasting in March. This freaks me out to an unmentionable degree. I am trying to stay on the best possible terms with Secret Favorites, because I fear (hope?) we're going to end up going with them in the end, anyway. If our date is still available in MARCH. ARGH.

The officiant nonsense has been shelved at this point, because I truly don't have the strength to deal with it at the moment. I DON'T want to get married in a city hall prior to our "wedding." I know it isn't a big deal, I know it doesn't really matter, blah, blah, blah, but I do not want to do it. Period. So...I have no idea what's going to happen with that mess. It exhausts me to think about it.

Bridesmaids dress shopping happened over Thanksgiving break, and it was a f****** nightmare (for a lot of circumstancial reasons, like my best friend being chronically ill. it's not that anyone behaved poorly, it was just a lot of stressful stuff all at once). I washed my hands of it, gave the girls a color (grey/silver) and a length (knee), and told them to do what they liked.

I have been back to making book-paper flowers like a machine. So, that's good.

We tried on wedding bands over Thanksgiving as well. though no purchases have been made.

The subject of photography has finally been broached and it's an emotional one. No decisions made there, so far.

My copy of A PRACTICAL WEDDING showed up in the mail and it is funny and affirmative and awesome. So that helps.

And despite all the stress and problems, it's stuff David and I are battling together, not against one another. So our relationship continues to be f****** awesome. I can't wait to be married, already!

[steph]

Kelly, I'm SO happy you have David.

I'm sorry things are nightmarish. I'm going to send Secret Favorite Caterer vibes to the universe. I hope you can work out whatever catering you need to be what you want.

The officiant nonsense has been shelved at this point, because I truly don't have the strength to deal with it at the moment. I DON'T want to get married in a city hall prior to our "wedding." I know it isn't a big deal, I know it doesn't really matter, blah, blah, blah, but I do not want to do it. Period. So...I have no idea what's going to happen with that mess. It exhausts me to think about it.

I think your feelings on this are very valid. You want your wedding that you put your work, love, energy (and a little skin from all the hot glue!) into to be THE moment when the marriage takes place. It totally makes sense to me. I think that moment matters. It's an important moment. People may tell you that it's not a big deal, that it doesn't really matter, blah, blah, blah, but it matters to you so it DOES matter.

My love and prayers are with you.

Oh, and Tyler wanted me to put

[Dr. Mobius]

We went to the Secret Favorite caterers for a tasting and it was mind-blowingly delicious and wonderful, and I LOVE them and so thoroughly enjoy working with them and believe in their small business and what they do and want so much to support them and to have them be a part of our wedding because kids, the food was INSANE.

However, David has had a crisis of faith over the bill, which would be over 2/3rds of our total budget. Yes, we would be dropping a LOT of money on the food. Which we knew going in and had discussed at length and all that. BUT. David is full-on panicking about it.

1. Tell David to take a chill pill.
2. Book Secret Favorite Caterer.
3. Send me the bill for the difference between what you're willing to pay and the actual cost.
4. Seriously.

The officiant nonsense has been shelved at this point, because I truly don't have the strength to deal with it at the moment. I DON'T want to get married in a city hall prior to our "wedding." I know it isn't a big deal, I know it doesn't really matter, blah, blah, blah, but I do not want to do it. Period. So...I have no idea what's going to happen with that mess. It exhausts me to think about it.

Would it be possible to have your fake officiant perform the ceremony while the real guy stands off to the side behind a tree or something?

[locke]

Cake tasting day tomorrow!

Also, our Engagement photos are amazing, I got Renee a Canvas Pop to do a 16x20 of one of the ones of us walking on the beach at sunset.

[Young Val]

I am honestly at the point where I don't even want to feed our guests anymore. WE CAN ALL JUST GO HUNGRY THAT DAY.

[Luet]

Just order some take-out from Taco Bell.

[steph]

Just order some take-out from Taco Bell.

Mexican Fiesta!!! *jazz hands*

[thoughtreader]

Just order some take-out from Taco Bell.

Mexican Fiesta!!! *jazz hands*

[Ela]

Wedding planning can be so stressful. And everything about planning an affair is so expensive these days.

Hang in there!

[Young Val]

We have signed with a caterer.

And it is not Secret Favorites.

And it hurts me. A lot. To have to walk away from something that I really, really want. Without fully understanding or accepting why it is that I can't have it.

But I love my future husband a lot more than I love Secret Favorite caterers. So I compromised.

The food will be organic and local, and it will taste just fine. I will not list out all the things I don't like about New Caterer because New Caterer is now officially our Wedding Caterer and focusing on the negative is just stupid at this point. There will be food, it will be locally grown, organic food, and our guests will have something to eat that tastes good. The rest doesn't matter, and so I'm going to let it go. I am.

Up next is photography, and one of the bright sides of going with New/Wedding Caterer is that my photography budget has expanded slightly.

[Young Val]

Married ladies who had professional hair/make-up done (or anyone who wants to chime in): how many hours before the ceremony did you get all dolled up? My hair dresser/make-up person talked me into an 11:20AM appointment for what will most likely be a 4:30PM wedding ceremony. Is this too early?! It seems WAY too early for me! Granted, I will NOT be getting hair and makeup done on site, so I've got to account for travel time (half an hour-ish) plus time to put on my dress, etc (um, five minutes? Tis a zip-up). I know my hair will take at LEAST an hour--most likely longer--and I don't wear make-up, so I have no idea how long that takes. So I guess that would put me done at....1:30ish? THAT SEEMS SO EARLY. Am I just being nuts, or should I push back my appointment?

[Petra456]

Are your bridesmaids getting theirs done also? I know when my sister got married this summer she gave herself three hours to get her hair done and they ended up being late for photos. She also had five bridesmaids all getting hair and make up done too, and I think it was a problem with not enough hairdressers to get everyone done at once.

I think it also depends on what you're doing with your hair. If it's something simple that will last all day, the earlier the better.

[Jayelle]

It doesn't seem too early to me, since other last-minute stuff can come up. I think I got my hair/makeup done at about 9am for my 2pm wedding (and that was with my bridesmaids). We were home for lunch. It was nice and relaxing to have that time in between, and since they put all those products and crap in my hair, it didn't make a difference to have it that early, it stayed in all day long.
Also... wear a button or zip up shirt so you don't have to pull it over your head.

[VelvetElvis]

I arrived at 8a unordered to be done by 11. We didn't get started until 9ish, though.

[starlooker]

Definitely doesn't seem too early to me, at all. MUCH better to do it earlier than later, I think. Especially if you do what we did and have some of your pictures taken (assuming photography is on, yes?) before the wedding. (Which I strongly advise, though opinions may differ. I LOVE those pictures more than any other, and it was so nice being alone with Donny in a place that was meaningful to us. After the wedding, I was tired and did not enjoy taking pictures nearly as much. And had been crying.)

Also, make absolutely sure to get a dry run with the make-up/hair before the actual day. ESPECIALLY make-up. The dry run took forever the night before, but was totally worth it for the time it saved the morning of.

[powerfulcheese04]

Definitely not too early. I had a noon appointment for a 5pm wedding and was almost ate late for pictures.

[steph]

I don't think it's too early. I had a 9am appt (or was it 8?) for my 5pm wedding. We did pictures ahead of time, though. Wedding hair shouldn't have a lot of "fall" because they know it's going to be an intense day and use lots of product.

When I worked in the salon, they never scheduled wedding updos for any later that 10am.

[Young Val]

Thanks! I bow to your wisdom and previous experience; the appointment will stay as is!

Another request:

We are meeting with a photographer today! Any questions we should be sure to ask or things we should be sure to discuss?

[starlooker]

No -- nothing you couldn't get from a wedding website, anyhow. I met with my photographer right after I defended my dissertation, so my memory is very, very fuzzy. Except I liked her a lot.

[Eaquae Legit]

If you try to push it back, there will inevitably be a murder and you will be late. True story.

[steph]

If you try to push it back, there will inevitably be a murder and you will be late. True story.

I was just telling someone about that recently. It's such a funny (in retrospect) story!

[Young Val]

My wedding is exactly 8 months from today! Which seems both an agonizingly long time away, and yet far too soon. I'm still panicking about everything we need to do, so I thought I'd make a list of everything we've already DONE to make myself feel better.

Venue: Booked
Dress: Bought
Photographer: Booked for both wedding and engagement session
Caterer: Booked
Wedding Party: Officially asked and accepted (David asked his final groomsman last night!)
Save the Dates: Made and sent
DIY Decorations: Erm...on-going

Ok, so I was expecting that list to be a LOT longer.


BUT. While I've got you all here, anyway:

So, my mom has generously offered to sew cloth napkins for the wedding (the upside being that I'll get to keep them afterward) and has asked me to pick out fabrics. The table cloths will be white, and the book-paper-flowers will be white (although the vases will have some color to them) so the napkins are going to be really bright and vibrant to contrast. My mom told me the best and easiest way to do it would be to pick a fabric "set" by the same designer. That way, there will be a lot of variety, but the patterns and color families will still be harmonious. I am overwhelmed!

All of these options are more or less in my "color scheme" which is basically: grey, pink, green, blue, and marigoldy-yellowish-orange. And red. Or, you know. EVERY COLOR EVER. I don't really have a color scheme. And I'm not going to lose my mind trying to pick one out, either, because let's be real. The "colors" at my wedding do not define me! Damn color schemes! I don't need 'em.

ANYWAY. These sets loosely fit my "color scheme." Help me choose!

http://www.fabric.com/quilting-fabric-s ... sault.aspx" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;


http://www.fabric.com/quilting-fabric-s ... -bird.aspx" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;


http://www.fabric.com/quilting-fabric-s ... -love.aspx" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;


http://www.fabric.com/quilting-fabric-s ... lower.aspx" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;


http://www.fabric.com/quilting-fabric-s ... shers.aspx" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;


http://www.fabric.com/quilting-fabric-s ... osies.aspx" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;


http://www.fabric.com/quilting-fabric-s ... ganic.aspx" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;


http://www.fabric.com/quilting-fabric-s ... child.aspx" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[thoughtreader]

I like the birds, pick a bunch of posies, and honey bunch...
posies especially.
I suggest thinking about which prints you'd love to have around the house after your wedding, because they are all beautiful and would look lovely on your big day.


Also the quilter in me is never going to leave that web site... thanks!

[steph]

The ones I see as most "You" are Pick a Bunch Organic and Honey Child.

[LilBee91]

I like the bunch organic, shadow flower, and pretty bird. But definitely go with one you'd like to keep around the house forever to remind you of all those happy memories.

[Petra456]

I love Honey Child! Honestly though, I really like all of them.

[starlooker]

Um.

ENGAGEMENT SESSION?????

Color me excited!
~~~

Also, you've done SO much more than you're giving yourself credit for. Those are basically all the big things you really need to get done in advance. Seriously. Congratulations, you are knocking out all of the "to dos." Especially with 8 months to go.

Kelly = Full of Win