Philotic Web

Dear You,

Is this real life? I can't believe you had the f****** nerve. Like, I still think back and go, "did that really happen?". This is surreal.
That came out of nowhere, how did we get to this point? It doesn't matter.
That will be a night I remember for the rest of my life. This semester has had its extreme lows, as well as extreme highs, but this is tied up there with breaking ties with my best friend from college. Like, I never thought something would happen that would completely take my mind off that, for the worse. Am I not dancing with you because I'm tired? Yeah. That's exactly the reason. That's the same reason why my body is pointed away from you. And I'm not looking in your direction. And I stopped trying to make conversation. Don't expect me to ever invite you to anything, ever again. Don't expect me to ever try to hang out with you again. In fact, don't even consider us friends anymore. We're acquaintances. Actually, I think I hate you a little. I can't remember the last time I actually walked around with a scowl on my face, for an extended period of time - its been years. Don't worry, I'll try my best not to hate you. I'll still be polite. However, consider yourself disregarded from my life.

That feeling when you realize you've been working for your foes,
and the curtains have just opened and their worthlessnessexposeddd(Brave Heart by Lupe Fiasco)

-CezeN

Dear Yous,

A little sad. Feel left out.

Alas, such is life.

Me

Dear You,
I just had the most heartbreaking conversation with "our" 5 year old about you. I know she doesn't understand a lot of what I say, but damnit she understands enough to realize that you arent there....and that it hurts her feelings. What you did isn't fair. Forget about how unfair it was to me... But to her. To her brother. To the only father they have ever known. WE as a family are the ones still suffering for your mistakes even as you move on and put them behind you. I hate you for that. I hate you for a lot of reasons...but it makes me want to rip your head off to see that innocent child cry a single tear over YOU. you are WORTHLESS. you are NOTHING. but she knows who you should have been. Trying to answer the hard questions you will never face, and watching a little of her innocence slip away as she understands a truth she didn't even remember kills me inside. I can handle that, though. I did what you couldn't do. The right thing. I could have lied. I could have pretended like you never ever existed, but I told the truth. I won't have her hate me when she's older for a lie I told now. So I will deal with the pain for now while she cries a little...gets over it...and skips away. I hope your sins find you.

With vitriol,
Me

Seems like a is needed for the last couple posts in here!

indeed!

Agreed, hugs for Cezen, Alea, and Briseis

Sad boys (and girls, but that doesn't work as well lyrically), sad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna when pweb gets their hugs on you?

Dear You,

I have a surprise for you!

Hee!

Love,

Stinks at keeping surprises secret

Hugs liked! Thanks! I just had a rough time when my daughter was upset.

Dear you,

[redacted, by me]

[12/2/12] Maybe I shouldn't write stuff like that. There are better ways to cope with that than to hang it up for all to read. Thanks for the hugs, though...

*hugs*

Dear You,

I kept hoping, just kept hoping so damn hard that things would change and I'd stop feeling this cold front coming from your direction and that although we were never BFFs, you were a friend and someone I tried so desperately to be close to and maybe we could get back to that. And when that seemed to fail, I tried the whole "It doesn't matter. You don't matter" approach but the only person falling for that particular lie is me. Only, well, I'm really not.

I don't want to insult you or assign false, unkind motives to you but I can't help but wonder what it is about you in particular that rankles me. Oh, the list of unkind things piles on mighty fast and I have to tell myself they're probably unfair to apply to you even if I'm not entirely convinced it is. Because the truth of the matter is, I don't really buy for a second that you're so happy with your life that I don't register and thus the vibe I get from you stems from that. I don't think that's it at all. I think you notice me and dislike me for whatever reason (I'll be the first to admit, most people who dislike me were given plenty of reason by yours truly). And that's where I get stuck every damn time I think this through.

Would knowing why make me feel better? Nah. Would it drive me any less crazy when you acted as though I don't exist? Probably not.

And yet, I want to know.

Because yes, being honest, it does piss me the hell off that the things I'm going through now -both the good and the bad- aren't meriting the same excitement and sympathy that you yourself wanted and expected when it was happening to you.

I'm human. I make mistakes. I've made a lot of them. I'll make a lot more. I know, I sometimes, more often than I'm proud of, have the emotional maturity of an emotionally stunted 12 year old; I don't act like an almost-30 year old should. I have fits of rage and fits of depression that I haven't learned to control and I know that's no excuse, it just is. I'm sorry for a lot of things. I regret a lot of things.

But I'm also working on forgiving myself. Every day I'm working on that. And you are the knot that won't come undone. I just want to be done with you. I want to not get so angry and sad over you or care about you and your opinions and approval and excitement and sympathy. I want to stop thinking terrible things about you when it seems most obvious you don't like me.

I want to move on. I want to feel like I can be whole without you being in my life as more than someone who I have to be around.

I. Want. To. Move. On.

Alea


Dear You,

You're not as bad as all that, you know.

Love,
Me

Dear You,

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry, I don't know what happened, oh God, I am so, so sorry.

Dear a****** Pundit,

Really? Did you say that? That the reason everyone is so shocked is because it happened in a nice town? You did. You said that. Well, maybe that's what shocked YOU, a******. I was kind of shocked that someone was killing children, personally, before I knew a damn thing about where they were from. It all reeked of, "we expect massacres of children in poor neighborhoods." Just f*** you, okay? It's shocking and horrible and that it happened in an affluent area is the least of the many reasons why.

Angry for So Many Reasons Today

Dear Pweb,

I've been holding on to the gift card you gave me, pondering what would be the best use of your generosity. I wasn't coming up with any brilliant ideas....until this weekend. Our camera started freaking out and was really struggling to take any pictures at all. That doesn't work when you have a new baby coming! Pictures are a must! Today we went to Target and purchased a new camera with our gift card so we can plaster pictures of our new baby all over pweb. I hope you don't mind! Also, we got a really cute outfit for baby girl to come home from the hospital in! Don't worry, we'll take pictures of her in it with our new camera.

Thank you all again for your thoughtfulness! We all love you!!!

Steph

Yay!!! Can't wait for pics. When is the induction date again? I know it's the beginning of January.

I think that was an excellent choice for a purchase! Can't wait to see all the pictures of your family come the new year.

Great choice! I can't wait to see pictures : )

Dear [n]PD,

Ugh, thank you for continuing to be condescending over my fraud issues. I'm glad it means nothing to you that I had a second case of it and I wanted that included in the initial report I filed a few months ago but you are literally the only agency stupid enough to tell me it doesn't matter if I file this incident. Even if it doesn't -which all the literature from the government websites and credit agencies say it does- I want to and my reasons for wanting to trump your reasons for not wanting to.

Annoyed,
Alea

Yay!!! Can't wait for pics. When is the induction date again? I know it's the beginning of January.

My c-section is scheduled for January 14.

Here is the outfit you guys bought for her to come home in:

Adorable!

Dear You,

Um. You FIRED me, remember that? While I was pregnant.

No, I most certainly WILL NOT be sending you a contribution this holiday season.

Your former employee

Dear You,

It's me. Who am I? I am that optimistic, confident part of you that you talk to in the mirror. I am the part of you that takes a step back from your feelings of inadequacy and insecurity and revs you back up, because hey, I can't stomach the nonsense that is your whining. And I will not let you lose your confidence for long - I guess I am your ego. The part that checks itself out in the mirror.

Think of me as future you. Why? Because let's look back. With every couples of years, there's a different issue. Late high school, you were complaining about how skinny you were and how you couldn't get bigger no matter how hard you worked out and tried. That was your source of insecurity. Look at you now--you weigh roughly 165-170 but bench 245. You've grown an inch and half. You get compliments from people telling you how far they've seen you come since Freshman year, physically, almost daily. Random girls smile at you. You're pulling a Grad student?
Would you have imagined this 3 years ago? No.

Right now, you can't imagine yourself becoming what it takes to be successful at what you hope will be your future career. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it won't happen. Just because you tried hard and failed to get that B in QTM STATS doesn't mean you won't try hard and succeed in the future. Like I said before, same thing happened with working out. Each new chapter in your life will bring a new struggle.

So what, you made another C this semester? This semester was hard as f*** in many different ways, both academically and emotionally. You've had your low point. But, what's that English term you learned in British Lit? I don't remember. But it's a common trope. You must fall and then rise. Break and build yourself up. After you fall, the rise to the top is that much sweeter. The triumph is bigger. The Dark Knight Rises. Etc.

Beast the next semester. Then look back and laugh at your insecurities based on this semester. Rise and shine. Remember those lyrics from that song you listen too after you leave QTM Lectures feeling like you were nothing, "We don't have to be trapped by our past history....We can chane it, rearrange it, because the brain's endowed with a funny thing called plasticity. Which means the brain is plastic, and we can shape it and mold it to anything that we imagine."

Read this in the future whenever your self-esteem plunges. And I will always be here, as your - I would like to think - calm and rational side. To tell you why exactly you need to banish those negative thoughts and shut the f*** up.

-CezeN

Dear Facebook,

Reminders like these:

Adam [last name]
You've been friends for 4 years
Give him a gift

do nothing for the guilt I get every year about being a terrible Christmas/birthday/random "thinking of you" gifter.

SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE I'M SORRY I GET SO ANXIOUS ABOUT FINDING GIFTS SO I DON'T GET PEOPLE ANYTHING.

Love,
Alea

Dear You,

Wow...talk about confirming something I already suspected and hoped I was wrong about.

Between the few of you, I really don't want to come around much anymore.

Thanks a lot,
Me

Dear You,

What on earth? Oh God. Bloody awful night. Screeching. Why? Sleep. The time from 3:30 till 5:00 is for sleep. Baby. You need sleep, too. Gah.

Tired Mommy

Dear You,

Thank you, thank you, for letting me snuggle you back to sleep for two hours. I lost circulation in my arm, but I could not have accomplished today without that extra rest.

-- Mommy

Dear You,

I genuinely like and admire you, really, I do.

But sometimes I just need you to tone down your relentless peppy question-asking, especially about things I haven't asked for help on because I don't need it.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear people arguing outside my window,

Please stop.

Thanks.

Dear Pweb,

I'm sorry I went off the rails last night. I pretty much broke all my own rules about posting in the heat of the moment, and am very regretful.

Alea, I'm sorry for my capslocked, sarcastic, and just plain mean response to you. I wish I'd just tried to calmly clarify my intent with my first post and left it at that. I didn't think what you said was bad or wrong or shouldn't have been said or anything like that. I just meant to convey to someone who seemed to be feeling raw that i understood the feelings behind what he said.

Jan, I'm sorry for escalating and derailing what had been a really lovely and thoughtful set of responses to you.

I really do think i need a break from pweb for awhile. I love you guys, and i love interacting with you in other spaces. I even love pweb. There's not a single person or interaction or post i can point to and explain things, but I've just been feeling kind of uncomfortable for some time. Slow as it is. Which was fine. Except now that discomfort has actually turned into drama-destructo posting, it's a pretty clear sign i should back off a bit.

Kirsten

Dear you,
We love you Kirsten ad I'm glad I will be able to interact with you elsewhere. But I'm really going to miss having you around.
Me

Dear you,

I miss you so much. I know it's temporary but it's still so hard. I think about calling you nearly every day. I hope you know how much I care, even though I can't tell you right now. Please do everything you can to fix things as fast as possible. This sucks.

love,
nom

Dear you,
We love you Kirsten ad I'm glad I will be able to interact with you elsewhere. But I'm really going to miss having you around.
Me

Ditto! Hope you feel comfortable to come back soon.

Dear you,
you aren't reading this and you never will, but I want to promise that I will never be like him. I will always remember you even if you forget me and I will always come back to you. You are my home forever and I will never forget that. We will always be sisters and better than the real thing, so don't read this, but know that I promised it, and know that I will stand by you forever. I am not leaving you now and I never will. So don't think what I know your thinking that this will not change but I will make sure will change anyways.
From,
leaving but not really

Dear him,
Please come back. I want you with me whether you realize it or not.
from,
the one you forgot

Dear You,

Address, please, if you'll be in the same place for another month? It is a goal to write you by the end of April. Which seems easily achievable but I am apparently terrible at time management. It's not like I got your letter in January or early February...

Also, pictures of New Place should be coming shortly. I'm in this place where I don't want to share before every last detail is finalized but considering that won't be until July, I'm willing to snap a few "before" pictures. Because I want you to see and gush with me.

Love,
Me

Dear You,

I've done it. I've danced with reckless abandon in a very public place. Without music, even. It was terrible but so much fun.

Love,
Me