Philotic Web

Hey Bob,

I don't know you but everyone else here seems to think you're a solid listener and trustworthy, and I trust Pweb so here goes...Haven't really told anyone this stuff, but feel like I'm gonna explode.

I'm frickin' sick and tired of life as it' s been for the past 10+ years. I'm tired of always having to scrape by, I'm sick of working my butt off just so that some kid who's had it all his whole life can swoop in and take what I've worked so hard for. Sick of people overlooking me because I couldn't afford to get a stupid peice of paper that says "I'm smart." I could run circles around most of these people around me but nobody ever cares what the kid who sleeps on a couch says. I've been working and supporting myself since I was 11 years old, moved out of my parents house when I was 17 and have had them ask me for money more times than I've asked them, but that doesn't matter to most employers.The one thing that made me happier than I've ever been some jerk took from me when he decided to drink and drive.

I'm lonlier than I've ever been in my life, and I know "I'm not alone" and blah blah blah, but that doesn't help. I don't want to know there are a bunch of other depressed people out there who also have to really think hard about whether they wanna go on that day. I want her back. I miss companionship, I ache for it. Sure I have plenty of friends, but literally 99.8% of them are either married or dating seriously, and I'm tired of being the third wheel. I'm tired of being fit into people's schedules only whenever their significant other is busy. If I hear, "I mean, [insert significant other's name] and I are doing something, but I guess you can tag along" one more time I'm driving into a frickin' wall.

For all the good friends I have (and I do have good friends, I do love them) it's depressing to be the only one that puts out effort, at a certain point you realize what the hell is the point? I decided I was going to back off and see if anyone actually reached out...A little over 2 weeks later I got a text from my best friend seeing what was up cuz his girlfriend was out of town on business. I'm tired of my Friday and Saturday nights consisting of sitting alone in my "room" playing online chess or watching netflix, I'm not even an good at chess, even after all the practice I've had...That computer is so darn good!

I'm a surviver, it's what I'm good at. While I don't have anton's key turned, or anything, I think bean and I are very similar. I can do what I need to do to get by. I'm super resourcful, I'm a very hard worker, I don't give up easily when it counts, I think outside the box, I've always been the runt of the pack, but make up for it by ending battles thoroughly, I have amazing intuition, I'm trust worthy, and deep down where no one else can see it, behind the smiles, behind all the tattoos, I'm a scared little kid who's tired of it all...

This isn't necesarily a cry for help Bob, but maybe it's a first step towards one. Sorry for the long depressing story, I appreciate Pweb probably more than is rational, again, never really told anyone any of this, so this is new. For the longest time I've lived by the model of what Bean set up, "No point in getting emotional about anything. Being emotional didn't help with survival. What mattered was to learn everything, analyze the situation, choose a course of action, and then move boldly." -ES. But I'll try the whole "get it out" method. Thanks for listening.

RF

Dear Bob,

I don't remember if I talked about this here before, but before we moved, Atty and I were meeting weekly with a refugee family from Burma that our church had sponsored. They have a little girl a few months older than Atty.

Today I found out there was a fire that destroyed their apartment, along with the apartments of two other refugee families. Physically, they are okay. Still. It's so awful.

Bob.

They've been through so much already. I remember when they first moved to that apartment, how happy they were.

If you are of a praying bent, please.

I just can't imagine. I am in shock.

That's so terrible.

Sending good vibes and healing thoughts to them.

That's awful, I'll be praying for them and the other families effected. Is there anything we can do that would help them get back into a place quickly or help their situation at all? A place to give money or anything?

Thank you so much. I don't know if there's a specific fund for victims of the fire, but this is the "you can help" page of local group that sponsors and supports them: http://www.ewarm.org/pages/YouCanHelp

I'll let you know if anything more specific is organized, but this isa good group. I'm 100% sure anything designated to the victims of the fire would go to the right place

Great thanks!

Hey "Bob" My llittle Maddie sez maybe I should hold off buying her hunting license and big game tags! She is getting too busy with school n band nother stuff.

Hey "Bob" My llittle Maddie sez maybe I should hold off buying her hunting license and big game tags! She is getting too busy with school n band nother stuff.

Hey "Bob" My llittle Maddie sez maybe I should hold off buying her hunting license and big game tags! She is getting too busy with school n band nother stuff.

Very sad day Sorry to hear that Buckshot. My husband and father in law are having the hardest time finding a time that works for both of them to go on a hunt this year.

Maddie mainly just deer hunted with me in blinds mostly locally and some up at the ranch but I will miss the time we spent after school and watching her bag some big bucks with well placed shots. I guess I knew this day would come but I am not counting her out yet, I know she loves to hunt and she takes pride in feeding yummy jerky to her school friends that hate hunting and waits for them to figure out what theyre eating. It is funny how many of their friends bitch about eating animal flesh and how evil hunting is while they knock down my bbq beef and comment on how pretty those cows are across the fence. By the way I think Maddie got her first hunting license and her hunter safety cert when she was eight , and I am damn proud of her. Some of her older sibs went hunting some but not like Maddie and jake.

I don't think hunting out of necessity is "evil" but I think hunting for fun is. *shrug*

I don't think hunting out of necessity is "evil" but I think hunting for fun is. *shrug*

If by "fun" you mean "trophy hunting and leaving the meat to spoil", I probably agree. But hunting to eat isn't necessarily out of necessity (since you can often purchase meat as well), but in my view at least is more ethically justifiable than eating something that was raised by industrial agriculture and killed in a slaughterhouse. I prefer to eat something that lived a natural life and was put down humanely, than something that lived in cramped quarters for its whole life and then led into a room full of its screaming brethren.

Of course I'll leave this alone here, knowing everyone was'nt brought up with the outdoor traditions I have. I'm probably "all kinds of evil" since I hunt n fish and collect old guns and was a nuisance trapper for the state when I was going to school, foe extra money "not for kix". And then there were all the trees I cut down for firewood to pay for tuition and books. Oh yeah I almost forgot about the poor cattle, hogs ,chickens and turkeys I've sent to the kitchens over the years. Damn I'm bad!

I do love me a good hamburger, though. With cheese and bacon.

Are you saying that all comes from...animals?!?!?

I do love me a good hamburger, though. With cheese and bacon.

Are you saying that all comes from...animals?!?!?

Yep i'm a big supporter of PETA (people eating tasty animals)! I'm not pokin or any kind of attacking or jabbing at anyone. I know we can't agree on everything and see all things differently, so please nobody take offense please.

Buckshot, I think you're a pretty great representative for hunters, just to throw that out there. :)

My current household is meat-free and while I do eat meat on occasion if I'm eating out, it is very, very limited. Hunting for population control is a necessity, in my opinion, and hunting to avoid supporting poor conditions for animals is also a good thing, for a certain definition of good. I have a somewhat Native take on it; if you give thanks to the animal for giving up its life and it isn't wasted, it's not evil.

GD please dont think I was jumpin at you, I don't really take that stuff to heart like some do . I have a good opinion of you and care what you think. My world would be a boring place if we all agreed on everything, maybe we aught to get into politics!

Bob,

I'm getting nervous! Next Thursday evening we're taking off on a road trip to California. This'll be my first paid vacation and our first road trip alone. I'm beyond excited, and nervous. I feel like we have a million things that need to get done before hand but nothing that we can start on now.

I can't wait!

: )

Where in CA are you going? Or how far down? Exciting!

We'll be about 3 hours north of LA for a wedding. There is a really small chance that we might get a tour of SpaceX (I mean, really really small), but if that happens we'll be going even further south.

Hey guys and hey Bob,

I'm still around, sort of. I haven't abandoned Pweb. Things have just been really busy and really tough, and I don't have a lot of energy. I'm trying to get my dissertation written by the end of the year and Nom is exhausting and it's harvest/canning season and yeah. I miss you all and I'll be back, I promise.

EL

*hugs*

Take care of you, Ali!

(Miss you, too. )

Dear Bob,

This weekend was really, really, really hard. I spent all day Saturday crying. I hate being pregnant. I despise it. I loathe it.

I can't wait for our little girl to get here, but seriously, this is terrible. I am so sick (Almost 26 weeks! STILL NAUSEOUS. What. the. hell). I am so exhausted. And now the physical pains have started too, so my legs and my back and everything is painful and it is so, so hard to get out of bed in the morning and go through the motions of my days.

David works for the state government on a project that is getting national news coverage, and it is failing. He worked all weekend. He's working 14 hours days during the week and coming home and working some more. He had a mandatory conference call last night at 10:30. On a Sunday night. And then went into the office this morning at 6:00am and probably won't be home until 8:00pm, where he will then continue to work from home until like, midnight. He isn't eating, because he's in back to back meetings and doesn't have time to get his damn sandwich from the refrigerator down the hall. I am so worried about him. He is beyond burnt out, and unfortunately it doesn't look like things are going to slow down anytime soon. I am trying so hard to be supportive, and I'm doing everything I can, but my reserves are limited. David feels the same way about me. He wants to be supportive and take care of me during this terrible pregnancy, and right now he just doesn't have the ability to do that. We both miss each other like crazy and feel guilty and sad and lonely.

The apartment is a disaster because neither of us has the time or energy to attend to it. We're eating like crap, because neither of us has the time or energy to cook.

My therapist resigned. I have an appointment with a new one, but not for a month. I am despairing at the idea of starting all over with someone new. I am scared I won't feel comfortable with the new one the way I did with the last one. I am wondering if a month is too long to go without seeing someone, but I don't really have another option.

I am floundering at work because I'm so sick and stressed that I can't focus. I can't afford to fall behind again when I should be starting to get ahead to prep for my maternity leave.

I am homesick and miss my family desperately and am so freaking terrified of giving birth suddenly.

I need help, but the people I am comfortable asking for help are not available to help me. David's family is wonderful and willing to help, but I don't know how to ask them. I don't even know what I need.

:( *hugs* I really wish something would give, with a positive outcome, for you and David.

In all my travels in life I've never come up against anyone more resilient and tuff as a first time mother. You're gonna rock this!

Sometimes when people are nice to me when I'm feeling really vulnerable, I start crying like a fool because it's so overwhelming to be shown kindness when everything feels so terrible.

In other words, thanks to Alea and buckshot, and everyone who reached out to me privately, or may comment in the future. It. means. so. much.

I really can't imagine what you are going through but I know you will find the strength to make it through and will end up with the most wonderful reward in the end. Talk to us as much as you want, if/when you need someone to talk to. *lots of hugs*

I've recently been through the "bursting into tears when someone is nice and I'm miserable". Sympathy!

And so much sympathy for the pregnancy. I didn't have it so bad, and it still sucked. Soon it will be over, I promise!

<<huge hugs>>

Hey Bob" I'm at the mill office today catching up on grain buying, markets whatever and I was on the USDA website checking against Portland prices and bam! the site shuts down and a page comes up saying USDA is down due to the shutdown! This is nuts, when are these dumb idiots going to quit blaming each other and fix whats in front of them. BS deluxe!

Hi Bob,

It's been a while, but this is too ridiculous to not write about it. I have had this interview for, while not a dream job, a better one than my current one, on my schedule for the past month due to apparently some scheduling conflict. Meaning I've had a month to stress and be anxious and wake up sweating going "OH GOD DID IT HAPPEN AND I FORGOT?"

So anyway, the interview is today. Last night I basically got dressed in my pajamas and realized I was just itchy all over. I didn't think anything of it until I was starting to fall asleep and was just itchy as heck. Trying to make myself not scratch while I fell asleep was nearly impossible, and I basically didn't get much sleep last night, especially when combined with nerves.

When I finally got up this morning and looked in the mirror, my entire body was covered in hives. Chest, stomach, armpits, arms, knuckles, neck, butt, legs. Everything.

So that leads to two possible reasons, since it started before I got in bed (and thank god it didn't start when I was in bed or I would be freaking out about possible bugs or something): either a nervous reaction to stress, or food allergy.

And I ate a few unusual things yesterday, including a peanut sauce sandwich at lunch, and a gyro with tzatziki, and an avocado. Both of those at dinner. So prime for allergic-reaction time.

Basically I don't want to be allergic to avocados. And I'm covered in hives. With an interview in a little over an hour.

Thought that kinda thing only happened to me. Good luck with the interview!

I hope you had some antihistamines! How did the interview go??