Wedding Planning!

[powerfulcheese04]

*hugs Kelly*

I'm so sorry it's been so awful for you so far!! There's so many weird expectations and so much weird judgement surrounding weddings.

[Young Val]

Responding to Helen and Kirsten in here because I don't want to totally derail Bob with my early-onset wedding anxiety.

David and I are paying for the wedding ourselves and even though we're trying to keep it well, well under five figures the number tentatively set for our budget SHOCKS me. So much money!

People keep telling me my wedding will look cheap and trashy unless I commit myself to spending at least 20k (if not well over). When I patiently explained to someone that we don't have that kind of money and refuse to go into debt for our wedding she laughed at me.

Not to mention, I think I can make things look stunning without spending a fortune. Will it be a lot of time and effort and potentially stress? Yes. Do I prefer that over going thousands and thousands of dollars into debt for matching linens? Hell yes.

[Eaquae Legit]

I think we spent $9k-ish, including the honeymoon. Stick to your guns! Pweb supports you!!

[starlooker]

Not to mention, I think I can make things look stunning without spending a fortune. Will it be a lot of time and effort and potentially stress? Yes. Do I prefer that over going thousands and thousands of dollars into debt for matching linens? Hell yes.

A-f******-men, sister. Our wedding was about $5,000 (not including my dress, which my mother paid for, that was $1,000). That includes travelling to flipping North Dakota. And I double dog dare anyone to look at the photos and tell me it looked either cheap or trashy.

*getting rather worked up over this bullshit*

I f****** despise wedding critics. Turning a wedding into something that is primarily about showiness and money is what I think of when I think cheap and trashy.

[powerfulcheese04]

I agree with Kirsten. Making a wedding about showiness is.what's trashy. I'm sure your wedding will be lovely, Kelly.

[LilBee91]

What they said. You can definitely make it beautiful and perfect without spending a fortune. Make it how you want it and show the critics that they're just being ridiculous.

[Luet]

Wow, these people need to get a life.

[Eaquae Legit]

I've long thought that the most beautiful and meaningful weddings were those where the couple's personality and tastes shone through. A "classical" cookie-cutter wedding doesn't allow that for most people (perhaps I just know geeks, dorks, and nerds, but still).

Like Kirsten, I'm really getting rather worked up about this. Holy carp but well-meaning individuals can be a pain in the ass. I have this vision of travelling across the ocean so I can tackle people when they open their mouths, and leave you to do your thing. Geez!

(Also, my sister-in-law's wedding featured puffed wheat squares, because she hates cake. They were perfect. Ain't nothin' wrong with pies, either!)

[Young Val]

I love it here. You people restore my sanity.

Even if I weren't really opposed to spending beyond my personal means, I'm still shocked at the hostility I'm getting about all of this because, um, hi. The country's economy SUCKS. In roughly 8 hours David and I are getting laid off for an indeterminate amount of time and may not be recalled to our jobs when a budget passes. We want to build a house on his land someday, we want to raise a family, we want to get David through school without killing ourselves. Given the economic climate is a low-budget wedding really this abnormal these days? (Obviously not among you ladies, but everyone else I speak to seems to have dollar signs glowing in their eyes).

I feel like they're trying to shame me into going bigger than I can afford. It sucks.


Kirsten, I've been following your advice to do/talk/think non-wedding-related stuff at every possible turn. It's helped.

[starlooker]

Like Kirsten, I'm really getting rather worked up about this. Holy carp but well-meaning individuals can be a pain in the ass. I have this vision of travelling across the ocean so I can tackle people when they open their mouths, and leave you to do your thing. Geez!

Hee! I was having similar visions. Mine included lecturing/chewing them out using creative and choice phrases.

I love this. Pweb's Pregnant Duo should totally travel to Minnesota and be Kelly's wedding bodyguard.

[Young Val]

I also want to say that all budgets are relative. If I could afford to spend 20k, I might well perhaps spend 20k. It's not that the suggested numbers offend me in and of themselves. It's the notion that I have to spend more than I can afford--regardless of what I can afford.

[Eaquae Legit]

Amen to that. I suggest avoiding wedding magazines like the plague. Those things are evil.

[starlooker]

Meh. They're okay if you go into them with the attitude of getting ideas from them and not treating them like instruction manuals or Holy Writ.

However, given the attitudes you keep running into, I'd hold off for awhile. It'll probably just remind you of gleaming dollar sign eyes.

ETA: Although, now that I think about it, I do remember that throwing them all away post-wedding was one of the most liberating feelings I've ever had. Perhaps they are more evil than I initially remembered.

[powerfulcheese04]

I like the wedding magazines. But mostly I've been pulling things out of them like "I like the shape of this dress" or "I could try that hairstyle" or "music list suggestions" (because I can never remember what songs I like!) or "thank you note template". I pretty much ignore the rest of the stuff.

[starlooker]

Okay, here's the other thing that's killing me and it just kept bugging me more and more on my drive home.

Do your friends and family not know you?

Hell, I would happily have paid you good money to make pies for my wedding and do the decorating. The fact that this is you planning on doing a lot of these things yourself is entirely different than if someone like me were to plan that. Given who you are, it just feels completely and utterly appropriate and awesome that you're doing things your way.

[Young Val]

It's coming from both friends and family and I think that a large part of the problem is that I'm the first engaged woman in these specfic circles. So people are sort of foisting their daydreams for their own weddings off on me, regardless of whether their suggestions suit my style.

Also all of these conversations are taking place long distance via phone or email, so I don't think people are aware of how their carelessness is hurting me.

In almost all cases I don't believe anyone is being intentionally malicious. But part of what makes it suck so much is the fact that I am sort of all alone out here.


*Edited for a million typos. Never posting from my phone again.

[starlooker]

Ah. That explains a lot. I didn't get the feeling they were being intentionally hurtful, but was having trouble understanding the thoughtlessness. Much, much easier to understand from the perspective of people foisting their fantasies onto you.

And, the fabulous thing is, I'm sure once your wedding happens, their fantasies will shift and change and grow.

~~

Okay, ignoring the nay-sayers, what are you feeling excited about or puzzling about or looking forward to or dreading? When you aren't talking to them, are there things you're enjoying about wedding planning? Or are you not quite up to taking it on yet?

ETA: You don't have to answer all that. I'm just getting curious about the actual parts of the wedding you've got worked out.

[VelvetElvis]

Seriously, Kelly, our wedding was about 1500 dollars. Originally, our budget was 5k, but since you read my wedding undergrad post over at APW, you know I had to plan a new wedding last minute.*


*I'm still really, really bitter about it, too.

[Young Val]

Helen, I still think you are so, so kickass for standing your ground and refusing to let external judgment modify your life. I am only just now beginning to gain a glimpse of understanding of how very heart-wrenching it must have been to have to start from scratch at the last possible moment after such a devastating loss of trust and community. I'm so sorry you couldn't have the wedding you wanted. I can only say that the wedding you did have was beautiful, and that love absolutely radiates out of the photographs.

Kirsten, well-meaning morons aside: There's a sort of calmness, a surety coursing through me these days, that's tinged with just an edge of rosy hysteria. I spend a rather large amount of time walking around with an idiotic grin on my face, blissfully unaware of my surroundings.

We still haven't nailed down a date and official budget, so nothing's been booked yet. The planning is therefore in the abstract stages. The wedding will definitely be in Minnesota. It hurts my heart a little bit not to get married back home, but I came to terms with this reality before David even proposed. He has family members (important, immediate family members that we're close to, not just distant cousins we never see) who can't travel for health or other reasons, and my family can all travel without issue. Also, the idea of planning a wedding long-distance and entrusting everything to my mother's care is....not an option. I wouldn't be able to handle it. Also, Minnesota is where we live now, and it's where we're going to live for the rest of our lives. It makes sense to start the next phase of our journey here.

There are two places, as of right now, that I would love to get married. The both have pros and cons. One is the land David owns up in Wisconsin. The siblings in his mother's generation inherited one large plot of land, and it's split up into a few acres each. His Uncle Mike and his Aunt Katie have each built houses on their acres, respectively. Uncle Joe sold his land to the other three, and they planted a pine forest there. David's mother's land has nothing on it, and he's going to inherit it some day. The plan is for us to build a house there eventually. The land is really beautiful, just off a river, surrounded by pine forest, quiet and sunny. We'd rent tents and just do the whole thing up there. The cons are many, though. We'd have to run electricity out there, or get a generator. Lots of set up and clean up. And the big one: it's almost two hours from the airport. Half of our guests will be from out of state, so we'll either have to arrange transportation or they'd all have to rent cars. Not ideal.

The other is the James J. Hill Reference Library in St. Paul. It's a five minute drive from our apartment, a two block walk from the farmer's market, oh, and IT'S A LIBRARY. The con is that unless we get married on a weekday/night, it's costs over half of our budget. So.....probably not going to happen.

We plan to splurge on food. Local, seasonal, organic catering, probably from Chowgirls.

My sister and my best friend are my bridesmaids; David's best friend and his Uncle Bill are his groomsmen. No designated best man/maid of honor. No color scheme yet, but the girls get to pick out whatever dress they want within that color scheme (and a few guidelines. No floor length gowns, no super mini skirts. Knee-length or around-there-ish preferred). And it doesn't have to be a "bridesmaid" dress. I don't care if they get it from Target. I don't care if they've already owned it for years. I want them to be happy, feel confident, and look great. Otherwise, they can do as they like.

One of my best friends in the world will be officiating. Chris spent a lot of time with David and I in New York, so we feel that he knows us really well as a couple. He's both funny and solemn and is very comfortable in front of a crowd. I've always wanted to be married by someone I know and love, and this is really so perfect.

Another splurge will be my hair. I'll be hiring my hair dress from the curly haired salon to take care of my locks for the day. I want something simple, most of my hair down but pulled off my face. I want very much to look like myself when I get married.

[GS]

Wow. The wedding on David's land with all the tents sounds like it would be amazing. Understandably, probably hard to pull off, but I hope you can work out the details for one of your venues.

One of my best friends in the world will be officiating.

The word officiating just irked me there. There's got to be a better sounding word for that, right? It makes it sound impersonal, which is the exact opposite of what you explained. I also think it is hella cool that you are getting married by a close friend.

[VelvetElvis]

I really need to write my APW grad post.

[Eaquae Legit]

Helen, I still think you are so, so kickass for standing your ground and refusing to let external judgment modify your life.

I got nosy and went and looked this up. Totally what Kelly said. You looked so joyful on your wedding day! I'm just sorry it came as a result of such pain.

[VelvetElvis]

Looked up APW post or the guest photos on FB? Either way, I don't mind.

[powerfulcheese04]

I should have known better than to get involved in the wedding-y threads at the other message board I'm on.

In general, the people there are super judgemental. And anything that isn't 100% the way they'd do things is WRONG and tacky and something-else-insulting.

Apparently, it's extremely rude just to have a wedding registry. No matter how you handle it. Never mind that there are lots of people that would prefer to have a registry to buy from. Apparently we should all just inherit china and deal with whatever the pattern is (never mind that my parents are the first generation in their family to have enough money for 2 sets of dishes.) Apparently if a guest doesn't know you well enough to know what you want, they should just call your mother (never mind that she has 2 jobs and not enough time for that nonsense.)

Also, it's ridiculous to have more than 100 people at a wedding. Never mind if you're getting married in your hometown and you want to invite people who have known you since you were 10 and are probably closer to them than family. The fact that they work with your parents makes it reprehensible because a wedding shouldn't be "a business schmoozing opportunity" for your parents.

Just... ugh!

THEN, a couple of the people saying this crap had the gall to "like" my facebook status about mailing wedding invitations today.


I sort of want to comment back to them something along the lines of "apparently, everything about my wedding desperately offends you... so I don't see why you'd be happy I've mailed invitations."

[starlooker]

**hugs**

Oh my gosh. I want to go into the business of smacking down wedding critics. Especially for criticizing such stupid things.

Registries are pretty common these days. I'm not saying people have to do them, but it's certainly not a problem of any sort to do one (and a convenience for many guests.) And your guest list is your own business! You know who you want there. Yeesh.

[Young Val]

Oh Kimmie, I'm so sorry. People freaking suck. What is it about weddings (and, I assume--but can't confirm--parenting) that brings out people's mean streaks? If it makes you feel better, I don't want a registry and was just told it was the HEIGHT of bad manners not to provide one. No matter what you do, people will bitch and moan. You are in the home stretch, now, hang in there. Your wedding is going to be gorgeous and a ton of fun.

[VelvetElvis]

Kelly's right, you ARE in the home stretch!

[powerfulcheese04]

Thank you so much, you three! I love, love, love pweb and the super supportive non-judgemental attitudes. I love that we've all had such different weddings and that we manage to talk about what we want and what we've had without judging each other.



On a happier note, Nate mailed our invitations today!

[steph]

People really suck. It seems the times when people need support the most that everyone has to turn into crazy mean people. (Kelly's right about the weddings and the parenting!!)

Your wedding is about YOU, not anyone else. It's about joining the lives of you and your fiance, not the rest of the world!! People should just shut up and let it be YOUR day!

[Dr. Mobius]

Apparently we should all just inherit china and deal with whatever the pattern is (never mind that my parents are the first generation in their family to have enough money for 2 sets of dishes.)

Part of me wants to start a thread over there pointing out the inherent sexism of passing the fine china matrilineally, but another saner, more rational part of me wants to not poke the hornet nest with a stick.

[Eaquae Legit]

Light-hearted anecdote RE: people who know better than you do.

One of the cost-cutting measures we were planning for our wedding was to not hire a DJ or a band. The original plan was a detailed playlist for an ipod, hooked up to my dad's DJ equipment.

Now, my dad, he was a professional DJ for well over a decade, and I can say without any exaggeration that he had some of the best instincts for playing a crowd that I've ever seen. I am almost always let down when I go to a function, because the DJs never measure up. It's something he takes great pride in, and really enjoys.

He also hates being on the spot or the centre of attention (if not in the "safe zone" of a professional context). He all but begged us to let him take care of the music for us, as a gift and as someone who would be able to do a better job than pretty much anyone. Because it clearly meant so much to him, and because he would be able to relax and feel "safe" and enjoy the evening, we agreed. He was thrilled.

However, this lead to an amusing conversation with him while we were going over our music preferences. He's used to a generic wedding crowd, where you have to play it safe and plan for every possible type of guest. We had to explain that on our very, very limited guest list, there was not a single person of any age in the crowd who would dance to a polka. Apparently older folks often enjoy a good polka? Anyway, the only people of that age were Rei's grandparents, and they would not have cared.

I'm not sure what relevance I intended with that story, but I felt like sharing. While my mom was freaking out about various other things, my dad's only concern was that polka. We could have held the reception in a bowling alley and he would have supported us.

There was no polka played at our reception.

[VelvetElvis]

I added up the total costs for our wedding, and we spent $2,613.

I lied. I just wrote the official budget post.

[Eaquae Legit]

I also just realised that I'm sharing all these details about our wedding because we were keeping it as a surprise for pweb and didn't write about it all when it happened. Hope no-one minds the 2 years delayed wedding planning details!

[Jayelle]

Thank you so much, you three! I love, love, love pweb and the super supportive non-judgemental attitudes. I love that we've all had such different weddings and that we manage to talk about what we want and what we've had without judging each other.



On a happier note, Nate mailed our invitations today!

That sucks so much that you're getting judgey comments. *hugs*

The best advice I ever got was: if you are married at the end of the day, then your wedding was a success.

[Eaquae Legit]

And really, being married is so much more awesomer than getting married!

Which isn't much comfort now, but does make the hindsight feel a lot more humorous, if that makes sense. The compensation of actually just living life together makes me more forgiving of the people who complained about wedding details.