Wedding Planning!

[powerfulcheese04]

I'm not sure how I feel about pre-marital counseling! From what I've heard from friends who have gotten married in this area, the religious ones heavily reinforce gender roles/stereotypes... and that makes me kind of hostile. Like, really hostile. Also, those kind of male-breadwinner/female-dependant gender roles do not at all apply to my relationship.

Additionally, I don't tend to take advice well unless I actively seek it out for a particular reason. So, maybe if I went to someone and said "I'm concerned about xyz about my impending marriage, what do you think?" I would be ok. But if I was required to go to some session I tend to spend most of my time nit-picking apart what they say... (I realize this is more a failing in me than in the pre-marital counseling system...)

[Jebus]

Wait, is this a common thing? Pre-marital counseling? Can I ask what challenges of marriage you felt stronger about overcoming having gone through this?

[zeroguy]

It still grates on me that they laughed.

The children laughed at me. I remember.

[starlooker]

I'm not sure how I feel about pre-marital counseling! From what I've heard from friends who have gotten married in this area, the religious ones heavily reinforce gender roles/stereotypes... and that makes me kind of hostile. Like, really hostile. Also, those kind of male-breadwinner/female-dependant gender roles do not at all apply to my relationship.

Additionally, I don't tend to take advice well unless I actively seek it out for a particular reason. So, maybe if I went to someone and said "I'm concerned about xyz about my impending marriage, what do you think?" I would be ok. But if I was required to go to some session I tend to spend most of my time nit-picking apart what they say... (I realize this is more a failing in me than in the pre-marital counseling system...)

Likewise.

Good news for me is ELCA Lutherans are pretty liberal. I mean, the church has no problems ordaining women as pastors, has recently decided that gay/lesbian men and women in committed relationships can be pastors, etc. So, when I looked through the workbook last night, there was nothing at all about gender stereotypes. It was a lot more personalized, like, what works for you in your relationship. There was a section on who does what household tasks with a suggestion you switch for a day/week, but there were no implications with regard to who is expected to be doing what.

Honestly, I was a bit squicked out by the idea to begin with, but since I wanted a wedding in a church very badly, and in an ELCA church more badly, I thought it would be worth a shot. And so far, I'm quite pleased. Honestly, the pastor is much more taking a "tell me about your relationship in these areas" tack than telling us about ourselves. And, man, we can talk about ourselves. It was good. The story of how we met is not really all that interesting, but then we got into the story of how I moved down here and he helped me -- which was the major turning point in our relationship -- and it just moved forward from there.

And there's a workbook, and it's a bit cheesy, but it's also relevant. Like, we had to mark on a list three things we thought were strengths in our relationships and three things that we feel need growth and then compare lists and talk about them. And now and then the pastor will point out things we should consider talking about at some point, whether in our sessions or by ourselves. For example, we both really want a family, and we really never have discussed the possibility of infertility at all for some reason. He wasn't pushy about it, just raising it as a topic he's seen couples struggle with later in marriage. So, I brought it up on the way home, and it was helpful to find out we really are on the same page with regard to what we think we would want to do and not want to do.

In short, I'm pleased that we're doing this. I think the curriculum and attitude of the curriculum fits us really well, and we both really like the pastor, which helps. Also, it's good to be establishing a relationship with a pastor, as if/when we do have children, I want to be established in a church. Going to church together was quite a lynchpin in holding my family together, even though we weren't super religious, and I want that for my family. Like, when my baby brother was born, I have fond memories of going out to the nursery to get him so that our whole family would be at the altar for communion. So, better to find a place now than be scrambling if/when the time comes.

[starlooker]

Other news in wedding planning:

1. I found the CUTEST book at Barnes and Noble. "10 Cool Things About Being A Ringbearer." It's written JUST for the age of the little guy we're having, so we're mailing it to his family.

2. The bridesmaids' dresses are being shipped! However, my future SIL didn't pay her entire bill yet, so I had to pay both for the shipping and for her half of the dress. I'm annoyed. I'm asking D to talk to her.

3. We've chosen our Bible readings for the service. Also, at my paternal grandfather's funeral, the invocation was actually a prayer my grandfather wrote for my cousin's wedding. The pastor agreed he would use it. That makes me happy and also sad. I'm having a hard time with the fact that none of my grandparents are alive for this.

4. D's father and stepmother cannot be there. Financial and serious health problems. They sounded like they were crying on the phone when they told us. They are sending us money, despite us trying to talk them out of it. We are going to try go out west so we can maybe meet up with them for the honeymoon.

5. Invitations are set for printing! And the newspaper mom works for has agreed to print out the programs for free!

[Eaquae Legit]

Likewise.

Good news for me is ELCA Lutherans are pretty liberal. I mean, the church has no problems ordaining women as pastors, has recently decided that gay/lesbian men and women in committed relationships can be pastors, etc. So, when I looked through the workbook last night, there was nothing at all about gender stereotypes. It was a lot more personalized, like, what works for you in your relationship. There was a section on who does what household tasks with a suggestion you switch for a day/week, but there were no implications with regard to who is expected to be doing what.

Honestly, I was a bit squicked out by the idea to begin with, but since I wanted a wedding in a church very badly, and in an ELCA church more badly, I thought it would be worth a shot. And so far, I'm quite pleased. Honestly, the pastor is much more taking a "tell me about your relationship in these areas" tack than telling us about ourselves. And, man, we can talk about ourselves. It was good. The story of how we met is not really all that interesting, but then we got into the story of how I moved down here and he helped me -- which was the major turning point in our relationship -- and it just moved forward from there.

And there's a workbook, and it's a bit cheesy, but it's also relevant. Like, we had to mark on a list three things we thought were strengths in our relationships and three things that we feel need growth and then compare lists and talk about them. And now and then the pastor will point out things we should consider talking about at some point, whether in our sessions or by ourselves. For example, we both really want a family, and we really never have discussed the possibility of infertility at all for some reason. He wasn't pushy about it, just raising it as a topic he's seen couples struggle with later in marriage. So, I brought it up on the way home, and it was helpful to find out we really are on the same page with regard to what we think we would want to do and not want to do.

This is a lot more like what ours was. The husband half of our counselling couple is a professional (secular) marriage counsellor who volunteers his expertise to the church we were attending. A lot of what we talked about wasn't religious - it was more about what we weren't talking about, or about really common problems he sees come up in relationships. We talked about styles of communication and conflict and our personal defence mechanisms, all of which he said were totally okay and normal, but we had to be aware of them because they might not be normal for the other person.

And then at the end of the discussion they bought us a nice dinner and fed us scotch and praised my lemon poppyseed cake to the high heavens and we all went home full. It was a great experience.

Jebus: For Catholics, pre-marriage counselling is mandatory, at least in North America. With the whole "no remarriage" thing, they want to make certain (as best they can) that you are really, truly, 100% absolutely sure this is the person you want to marry, and that there are no ghosts in the closet of big issues you forgot to discuss prior to saying your vows. And given the context of "no do-overs", I think that's a good idea.

[Jebus]

That's interesting, EL. I don't know if it's the same for Catholics in Ireland. It could well be, but I've never heard of it.

[Eaquae Legit]

Yeah, no idea. It's worth noting, though, that the value of the counselling is totally variable. We were really lucky to have a skilled and experienced couple doing our counselling, from a liberal-yet-orthodox parish (orthodox theology, yes, but with no obsession about traditional gender roles). I suspect most couples get an experience more like Jan's, ugh.

[powerfulcheese04]

I know it is way early in my planning process to be thinking about this, but I have gotten bitten by the wedding band bug, apparently. I really like this one:


and this as a close second:


For him, I'm considering either of these, but I like the second one best:

[Jayelle]

The last one is Paul's ring! I love it too.

[starlooker]

Photographer obtained. Pricier than I initially wanted, but damn, she's good.

[Luet]

Yes, don't skimp on the photographer. We got a very cheap one and every single photo she took managed to add mullets to all the men (due to poor lighting/shadows). The best pictures we have from the wedding were taking by amateur photographer friends.

[starlooker]

DJ has been obtained, as well. Less pricy than I initially budgeted, so that's good. I hope he is. The one that was recommended to us was booked up, so we're going with the available guy half the cost of the other available guy.

Invitations are finally here. With my name and the name of the city spelled correctly this time. My mother is spending the weekend addressing them. We get the first one

All three bridesmaids report feeling satisfied with the dress and loving the color.

Second session of premarital care went reasonably well, considering what a s***** day I was having.

It's almost here!!!

It's fun. It's fun personalizing a tradition.

And I cannot wait to see all my friends/family up north again. I just cannot. It will be wonderful.

[thoughtreader]

I know it is way early in my planning process to be thinking about this, but I have gotten bitten by the wedding band bug, apparently. I really like this one:


and this as a close second:

Kimmie those are beautiful, but be careful with stones in the band. It makes resizing very difficult. If they change the size too much they have to make the band oval shaped or you risk having the stones pop out! So order it in the correct size instead of the size they have on hand and then resizing it. Also you should consider getting a pregnant band (a similar one with fake stones when/if you have babies)

[starlooker]

Wedding invitations are mostly out (finally)!

Here's the front.



It's hard to tell -- it was taken from my phone -- but it's two roses, with the blooms standing up from the card, with silver leaves, and our names on the bottom flap. Then, inside, it's just your standard "blah blah request the honor of your presence." I think it's really pretty, though. And it's a relief to have them out.

[Rei]

Oooh, that is quite pretty!

[VelvetElvis]

So I get on pweb to take a breather from wedding planning, and this is the thread I find? Really, universe?!

But I'm biting.

I'm having my wedding on June 10, 2011 (any pwebbers who would like to attend can pm me for an invitation) here in TN. We're having a church ceremony followed by an ice cream party (for 200). There will be yard games like croquet and corn hole set up in the field.

I have my dress, his suit, my parent's clothes, my veil and shoes, my makeup, my invitations are designed, the centerpieces are finalized and have had mock ups made. Our single ceremony reading has been chosen (I Like You by Sandol Stoddard Warburg), and our attendants have been chosen.

OH and our photographer has been booked.

(And don't worry, Mr Dear totally likes OSC books)

[thoughtreader]

There will be yard games like croquet and corn hole set up in the field.

... So I definitely had an uncomfortable moment when I first moved to TN and a friend asked me if I wanted to play corn hole in the front yard with her family... the only things I could think of were Beavis and Butthead and other dirty things... much to my relief i found out its a bean bag toss game.

[Jayelle]

Wow, Helen, you are amazingly organized for it being not till next summer! I think Paul bought his suit the month before our wedding.

I love the idea of an ice cream party! Sounds like so much fun.

[VelvetElvis]

Jared already has a suit.

It's not hard. I expected it to be hard.

[Eaquae Legit]

Somehow the fact that you were getting married escaped me, Helen. How'd that happen?

[LilBee91]

I must say, an ice cream party sounds genius. May I add this to my idea list for when I get married in like, I don't know, five years?

[starlooker]

YESTERDAY WE GOT OUR TOASTER!!!!!!

I love my best friend from forever ago so much. She promised to buy whatever we wanted most since she couldn't be at the wedding. And she laughed really, really hard when I asked for the toaster. But it's what we wanted. A real, quality toaster. Four slicer. It's beautiful. Cuisinart. Bagel settings and cancel buttons and crumb tray and the toast comes out perfectly evenly toasted. Had toast with apple butter this morning. YUM. After months of being toast-less, this is way exciting. I cannot wait to make myself cinnamon toast tonight. I was torn between that and the apple butter this morning. Oooh. And toast with eggs over easy.

Also, they got us a tortilla warmer, a set of glass canisters, and some cookie sheets.

I love them. So much. This has basically been the high point of my week.

[VelvetElvis]

Somehow the fact that you were getting married escaped me, Helen. How'd that happen?

I don't know! I blame it on my lurkeriness.

[VelvetElvis]

I must say, an ice cream party sounds genius. May I add this to my idea list for when I get married in like, I don't know, five years?

You may! I bought the cuuuutest little ice cream scoops for it. They have hearts on them!

[starlooker]

awww. Sounds cute!

Told my aunt to call the flower place and tell them something pretty, colorful, seasonal, and romantic for a bouquet in a reasonable price range. Aunts + flower professionals likely have better taste than I do, anyhow. All I care about is colorful/seasonal. So that settles that.

Made quick decisions regarding menu options. Red roasted potatoes, garden salad, that sort of thing.

Got an appointment to get my hair professionally highlighted for the first time ever tomorrow night.

Have a s***** of work to do today and tomorrow.

Getting there, though. Getting there.

[VelvetElvis]

So my mommy texted me this morning saying that I got a package. It must be my ice cream scoooops! Picture forthcoming when I am not at work strapping folks down. And also a picture of my dress, since Kirsten and Kimmie have already shared.

[thoughtreader]

Also, they got us a tortilla warmer, a set of glass canisters, and some cookie sheets.

where I grew up we called that the open flame on the gas stove

[Gravity Defier]

Also, they got us a tortilla warmer, a set of glass canisters, and some cookie sheets.

where I grew up we called that the open flame on the gas stove

Orale!

[Rei]

Also, they got us a tortilla warmer, a set of glass canisters, and some cookie sheets.

where I grew up we called that the open flame on the gas stove

Here too

I love me a gas stove sooooo much.

[Eaquae Legit]

But those can only do one at a time, you folks. A tortilla warmer will hold several at once and keep them warm so you don't have to pop back over to the stove mid-meal.

[Gravity Defier]

keep them warm

That does just fine to keep them warm if you heat them one at a time. I am confused as to how else one would do this. Even with a tortilla warmer, whatever that is.

[Eaquae Legit]

keep them warm

That does just fine to keep them warm if you heat them one at a time. I am confused as to how else one would do this. Even with a tortilla warmer, whatever that is.

That's what I always thought a tortilla warmer was? But you can stack them in it, unlike what Rei is suggesting, where you heat one at a time and everybody has to start eating at staggered times.

[Gravity Defier]

We've never used that to heat them up. We warm them one at a time on the stove, stack them in there as they finish from the stove, take the holder to the table, and dig in. But what do I know? The way we eat varies by house and cook, anyway; at my dad's we would use that, at my mom's we all stand in the kitchen grabbing food as it comes away from the heat sources. In both cases, they're warmed one at a time.

[Eaquae Legit]

We've never used that to heat them up. We warm them one at a time on the stove, stack them in there as they finish from the stove, take the holder to the table, and dig in. But what do I know? The way we eat varies by house and cook, anyway; at my dad's we would use that, at my mom's we all stand in the kitchen grabbing food as it comes away from the heat sources. In both cases, they're warmed one at a time.

That's what I meant. I think we've been talking about the same thing.