An update on me
Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2007 6:56 pm
Some of you might mention that I have been pretty much gone for awhile. Well... things have been pretty bad in my life and tonight they're going to get a lot worse.
Over the last few months a number of bad things have happened in my personal life, most of which I prefer not to share. But suffice it to say I have lost a lot of my faith in myself as well as the world. I've found it harder and harder to deal with things, basically retreating to my bed for the last 5 months.
I had originally intended to take the summer off to relax before looking for work. I needed a break from things and it was pretty much the last chance I would have for an extended break before retirement, since when you get started in the work force you don't tend to leave it until the end. Sadly, that break was overshadowed by various issues in my private life that took away most of my ability to enjoy it.
Truth is that there is one thing in particular that I have always been rather secretive about, that has been bothering me immensely. That thing is what is coming to a head tonight and why I felt that i should make this post, because I think that some of you should know part of why I have been so down for awhile.
I suppose you should learn about my background a bit first. As you might already know, my mother is South African and my father is Greek. Sadly, my very existence is the result of a very stupid decision by my mother. See, she wanted a child. Back then she had reason to think she could raise me alone, not having much interest in having a husband. When she met my father, she basically followed through with that. She got married because at the time bastards were not as socially accepted as they are now. Her plans came apart soon thereafter. Her reasons for thinking she could raise me alone fell through and then she was hit with a serious post-partum depression which made her not have the strength to leave my father.
My parents don't have a "marriage", at least within any conventional sense of the word. They don't share interests, sleep in the same room or even talk very much. Outside of a meal a day, they have fairly little interaction.
The reason I tell you all that, is because of the what comes next. See, most people when they know about my dad, cannot understand why she would marry him at all. My father is basically not an adult. He literally has the emotion and impulse control of a 5 year old. He has the education of a 10 yr old, as that is when he stopped going to school, and he is not the kind of person to pursue intellectual activities on his own. Naturally, he is very hard to live with. He blows up and starts screaming over the most minor things (it can be something as silly about a meal not turning out right) and then will sulk for hours on end. With his impulse control problems, he's also got problems with drinking. All that being said, he is actually a good guy. He seems to care about people and he loves his children very much. He's not a good father by any stretch of the imagination, but that is because he is incapable of it. If effort always led to results, he would be top notch.
For a long time I have known that my father cannot survive on his own. He's always been taken care of someone, whether it be my mother, his mother or his first wife. The only thing he is really capable of doing is working (he's a cook), which he is good at.
Tonight my mother is going to tell him that she is leaving him.
When I was little, I was always worried about my parents getting divorced, likely similar to any kid from a problem family. When I was around 11 or so, I broke down over it. My mother told me that she would never leave my father, because he cannot survive without her. I took her at her word and much of the security in my life was as a consequence of that.
In April 2003, my mother told me that she intended to leave my father. This led to a number of fights between myself and her and has likely irreparably damaged our relationship. We used to be very close, but quite frankly I don't trust her anymore. As a matter of fact, due to that and some other events in the last few years, I don't find that I can make myself trust anyone anymore. I understand that what she said to me then shouldn't be taken so seriously, as it was obviously an attempt to calm a worried child, but I have a very long memory. In the end, it was decided that she would stay with him until I was done school, giving me the support I needed to get through it.
See, I totally understand why she would want to leave him. He's a pain in the ass to deal with. But on the other hand, I felt that she took it upon herself to ensure his well-being and due to some rather strict and perhaps archaic views on honor, I feel that she is honor-bound to do so. Naturally she couldn't have the same level of freedom that she would if she were alone, but I feel that she should try to take whatever pleasure she can within certain boundaries (much as I have done with my own life, which is another long story).
My parents bought a house about 5 years ago. By bought, I mean they have a 25 year mortgage. It's the first time since i was very little that it looked like we could actually own land. For a long time we basically had nothing, as we went through a bankruptcy that essentially caused us to lose everything. My father has a tendency to buy various knick-knacks and decorations for the house and over the years it has killed me knowing that they were for nothing.
My father is very proud of our house. It's really nothing special. Kind of a typical townhouse, in an okay neighborhood, but it is something he can show for all of his years of work. He's been working for nearly 50 years now and he has nothing. When I was younger, he used to work upwards of 80 hours a week to ensure that we had food on the table. In a few minutes, my father will essentially lose everything he has worked for. He can't maintain the place, and there is no way that either parent could afford to pay for it on their own, so it will be sold. Right now he has a home, and in a couple hours he'll learn that that is no longer true. All those years of work and he will have nothing to show for it.
And this brings us up to the present. Tonight my mother is going to tell him that she wants to live alone. I am utterly terrified. I haven't been able to keep anything down since Sunday morning *i literally have not had a morsel of food in that time* and I can't even stomach most drinks outside of water. Earlier tonight while talking to my mother I went into dry heaves, not vomiting simply because my stomach is utterly empty.
Firstly, I am freaking out over how my father will react. Like I said, he's explosive and volatile. Thankfully, he's not the violent type, so I don't see him doing something like hitting my mother. But I know he will scream and rave and quite possibly walk out. At which point, I will have no idea where he is. He'll likely go on a bender or something, but I'll have no idea where he is or what he is doing. Whatever his response is, it won't be rational. The best I can hope for is that he will scream and yell and then go to his room.
But even then, that's the tip of the iceberg. My mother would love to hep him find a place to live and whatnot, but he's too proud to listen. Without help, he's pretty much f****** since he can't even speak proper English. Not having her around, there won't be anyone to curb his drinking anymore either. I also don't think that he will feel like there is much point in not doing it, since he's basically lost everything in his life.
Truthfully... I am 26 and I am quite certain I will not have a father when I am 30. I imagine that he will drink himself to death. I honestly wish that I was exaggerating, but the truth is that I have never met another man quite like him We've all had people that are impossible to deal with, but the only ones I have seen that are this irrational tend to be children or the mentally retarded. Since I don't think there is anything clinically wrong, I can't have him committed somewhere either, and if I tried I doubt they would be able to do anything to ensure that he stays.
Over the last few months, I lost a good many things in my life. My days are spent desperately trying to rid my mind of its demons. My nights are spent having nightmare after nightmare, to the point where I am terrified of sleeping much of the time. As of tonight, I will have lost the only thing left in this world that matters to me. I find myself wondering what the point of going on is, because it seems like an exercise in futility. I've already lost everything, so I don't have much of a reason to go on. All I imagine is that if I do go on, I'll eventually build up something that matters to me, which will then inevitably be taken away from me like everything else has. So yeah, life is pretty bleak. My mother is well aware of this and is doing whatever she can to help (including getting me doctors and whatnot to talk my problems over), but right now all I can really do with myself is stay in bed, in a state somewhere between being awake and being asleep.
Over the last few months a number of bad things have happened in my personal life, most of which I prefer not to share. But suffice it to say I have lost a lot of my faith in myself as well as the world. I've found it harder and harder to deal with things, basically retreating to my bed for the last 5 months.
I had originally intended to take the summer off to relax before looking for work. I needed a break from things and it was pretty much the last chance I would have for an extended break before retirement, since when you get started in the work force you don't tend to leave it until the end. Sadly, that break was overshadowed by various issues in my private life that took away most of my ability to enjoy it.
Truth is that there is one thing in particular that I have always been rather secretive about, that has been bothering me immensely. That thing is what is coming to a head tonight and why I felt that i should make this post, because I think that some of you should know part of why I have been so down for awhile.
I suppose you should learn about my background a bit first. As you might already know, my mother is South African and my father is Greek. Sadly, my very existence is the result of a very stupid decision by my mother. See, she wanted a child. Back then she had reason to think she could raise me alone, not having much interest in having a husband. When she met my father, she basically followed through with that. She got married because at the time bastards were not as socially accepted as they are now. Her plans came apart soon thereafter. Her reasons for thinking she could raise me alone fell through and then she was hit with a serious post-partum depression which made her not have the strength to leave my father.
My parents don't have a "marriage", at least within any conventional sense of the word. They don't share interests, sleep in the same room or even talk very much. Outside of a meal a day, they have fairly little interaction.
The reason I tell you all that, is because of the what comes next. See, most people when they know about my dad, cannot understand why she would marry him at all. My father is basically not an adult. He literally has the emotion and impulse control of a 5 year old. He has the education of a 10 yr old, as that is when he stopped going to school, and he is not the kind of person to pursue intellectual activities on his own. Naturally, he is very hard to live with. He blows up and starts screaming over the most minor things (it can be something as silly about a meal not turning out right) and then will sulk for hours on end. With his impulse control problems, he's also got problems with drinking. All that being said, he is actually a good guy. He seems to care about people and he loves his children very much. He's not a good father by any stretch of the imagination, but that is because he is incapable of it. If effort always led to results, he would be top notch.
For a long time I have known that my father cannot survive on his own. He's always been taken care of someone, whether it be my mother, his mother or his first wife. The only thing he is really capable of doing is working (he's a cook), which he is good at.
Tonight my mother is going to tell him that she is leaving him.
When I was little, I was always worried about my parents getting divorced, likely similar to any kid from a problem family. When I was around 11 or so, I broke down over it. My mother told me that she would never leave my father, because he cannot survive without her. I took her at her word and much of the security in my life was as a consequence of that.
In April 2003, my mother told me that she intended to leave my father. This led to a number of fights between myself and her and has likely irreparably damaged our relationship. We used to be very close, but quite frankly I don't trust her anymore. As a matter of fact, due to that and some other events in the last few years, I don't find that I can make myself trust anyone anymore. I understand that what she said to me then shouldn't be taken so seriously, as it was obviously an attempt to calm a worried child, but I have a very long memory. In the end, it was decided that she would stay with him until I was done school, giving me the support I needed to get through it.
See, I totally understand why she would want to leave him. He's a pain in the ass to deal with. But on the other hand, I felt that she took it upon herself to ensure his well-being and due to some rather strict and perhaps archaic views on honor, I feel that she is honor-bound to do so. Naturally she couldn't have the same level of freedom that she would if she were alone, but I feel that she should try to take whatever pleasure she can within certain boundaries (much as I have done with my own life, which is another long story).
My parents bought a house about 5 years ago. By bought, I mean they have a 25 year mortgage. It's the first time since i was very little that it looked like we could actually own land. For a long time we basically had nothing, as we went through a bankruptcy that essentially caused us to lose everything. My father has a tendency to buy various knick-knacks and decorations for the house and over the years it has killed me knowing that they were for nothing.
My father is very proud of our house. It's really nothing special. Kind of a typical townhouse, in an okay neighborhood, but it is something he can show for all of his years of work. He's been working for nearly 50 years now and he has nothing. When I was younger, he used to work upwards of 80 hours a week to ensure that we had food on the table. In a few minutes, my father will essentially lose everything he has worked for. He can't maintain the place, and there is no way that either parent could afford to pay for it on their own, so it will be sold. Right now he has a home, and in a couple hours he'll learn that that is no longer true. All those years of work and he will have nothing to show for it.
And this brings us up to the present. Tonight my mother is going to tell him that she wants to live alone. I am utterly terrified. I haven't been able to keep anything down since Sunday morning *i literally have not had a morsel of food in that time* and I can't even stomach most drinks outside of water. Earlier tonight while talking to my mother I went into dry heaves, not vomiting simply because my stomach is utterly empty.
Firstly, I am freaking out over how my father will react. Like I said, he's explosive and volatile. Thankfully, he's not the violent type, so I don't see him doing something like hitting my mother. But I know he will scream and rave and quite possibly walk out. At which point, I will have no idea where he is. He'll likely go on a bender or something, but I'll have no idea where he is or what he is doing. Whatever his response is, it won't be rational. The best I can hope for is that he will scream and yell and then go to his room.
But even then, that's the tip of the iceberg. My mother would love to hep him find a place to live and whatnot, but he's too proud to listen. Without help, he's pretty much f****** since he can't even speak proper English. Not having her around, there won't be anyone to curb his drinking anymore either. I also don't think that he will feel like there is much point in not doing it, since he's basically lost everything in his life.
Truthfully... I am 26 and I am quite certain I will not have a father when I am 30. I imagine that he will drink himself to death. I honestly wish that I was exaggerating, but the truth is that I have never met another man quite like him We've all had people that are impossible to deal with, but the only ones I have seen that are this irrational tend to be children or the mentally retarded. Since I don't think there is anything clinically wrong, I can't have him committed somewhere either, and if I tried I doubt they would be able to do anything to ensure that he stays.
Over the last few months, I lost a good many things in my life. My days are spent desperately trying to rid my mind of its demons. My nights are spent having nightmare after nightmare, to the point where I am terrified of sleeping much of the time. As of tonight, I will have lost the only thing left in this world that matters to me. I find myself wondering what the point of going on is, because it seems like an exercise in futility. I've already lost everything, so I don't have much of a reason to go on. All I imagine is that if I do go on, I'll eventually build up something that matters to me, which will then inevitably be taken away from me like everything else has. So yeah, life is pretty bleak. My mother is well aware of this and is doing whatever she can to help (including getting me doctors and whatnot to talk my problems over), but right now all I can really do with myself is stay in bed, in a state somewhere between being awake and being asleep.
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