Philotic Web

I used to think you were an arrogant prick, but I'm not really sure where that prejudice came from. I think I probably received a few too many intellectual beatdowns back in the day from differences of opinion we had.

Oh, no doubt. I said people get a stuffy impression of me from my diction. The whole jerkface impression comes from the fact that I am, at heart, a big jerk.

That's odd; you never came off that way to me. Maybe because I knew you before you were corrupted by mod-dom? Or I avoided arguments with you? Or I'm a bigger jerk (or have a more annoying writing style) than thou art, so I never noticed?

girls, girls, you're both pretty.



so, my associate Dan writes for The Pitch, which is the newsletter for the AAR (Association of Author's Representatives).

Dan's contribution this go-round was an interview with the infamous Miss Snark.

http://misssnark.blogspot.com/

basically, she's an anonymous Literary Agent who started a blog to vent about the obnoxious incompetence of writers who send queries. (hmm...sounds familiar). it quickly became a Q&A blog, and it was delightful in its hey-day. she's since closed up shop, but it's still up an d available and a great place for info.

fortunately, i'm still very much alive and kicking with the whole Q&A thing, so have at it if you've got anything you want to know.

my business cards just came in. i have business cards.


i am like an actual, functioning person.





in theory.

And by this you meant to say, "Blah blah blah, I'm awesome so suck it."

I do find it bizarre, though, that you don't capitalize. I think it has everything to do with typing. I type 100+wpm accurately, and so hitting the shift key while blazing through doesn't pose much of a limitation. So I generally type as correctly as I normally write. If that made any sense.

I actually prefer how you do it; it makes you seems cool, laid-back, and informal. I don't know how many people get a stuffy impression of me based on emails/IMs/posts simply because I mostly use capitalization and full punctuation.

I can't help it. It takes me longer and involves more effort to NOT hit shift and use punctuation than it does for me to.

And by this you meant to say, "Blah blah blah, I'm awesome so suck it."

I do find it bizarre, though, that you don't capitalize. I think it has everything to do with typing. I type 100+wpm accurately, and so hitting the shift key while blazing through doesn't pose much of a limitation. So I generally type as correctly as I normally write. If that made any sense.

I actually prefer how you do it; it makes you seems cool, laid-back, and informal. I don't know how many people get a stuffy impression of me based on emails/IMs/posts simply because I mostly use capitalization and full punctuation.

I can't help it. It takes me longer and involves more effort to NOT hit shift and use punctuation than it does for me to.

Yeah, unless I'm going for that whole e e cummings feel where I'm trying to be snarky or irreverent, I usually capitalize and punctuate normally. Just habit.

ok, ok, ok. i might not capitalize, but i use a semi-colon like nobody's business.

As one of my high school english teachers taught me, semicolons are sexy.

in theory.

Marge: I really think this is a bad idea.
Homer: Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

I can't help it. It takes me longer and involves more effort to NOT hit shift and use punctuation than it does for me to.

Ditto. I was typing on keyboards long before I heard about chatspeak or leet. By then it was too late for me to change my habits and start using shortcuts. That combined with three years of having the grandmother of all grammar nazis for a high school English teacher. My grammar may not be perfect, but I do the best I can.

the Korean cover for PETER AND THE SHADOW THIEVES by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson might be one of the most gorgeous book covers i've ever seen. i've got a copy sitting on my desk (and to be honest, i haven't read any of the new Peter books because--event hough they're authorized by the estate--they weren't written by Barrie, and i'm afraid they'll ruin my literary obsession). but right now i wish i could read Korean. not that i couldn't just go upstairs and get the English language version. which is essentially the same graphic on the front. but this one has silver stars and a pirate skull and crossbones!

Would you quit that? We're trying to derail a thread here!

oh. my. god.


i

oh my f****** god. i--

i need to calm down. before i MURDER my intern.


i had a lunch meeting. so i let her use my computer while i was gone. i pulled up our deal cards. i said "can you print these for me?"

she said "sure."


i come back from lunch. she says that she tried to print them, but it didn't work. odd.

i send her off to do something else and go to print them myself.

they. are. gone.

not deleted. oh no. we have a back up folder and everything that gets deleted goes in there.

nope. not there.

not moved anywhere else. i have done every search known to man.

they. are. gone.


now might be a good time to mention exactly what deal cards are--which is exactly what they sound like. they are records of the deal. you cannot make a contract without them.


SHE LOST OVER 50 DEAL CARDS.



i am going to kill her. i am going to KILL her and then everyone else is going to kill ME.


COMPETENT INTERN. THE NUMBER 10 MUST-HAVE IS A COMPETENT INTERN.

Holy crap. Suddenly the idiots I'm forced to work with don't seem quite so bad any more.

Oi. That's... Oi.

*dazed*

What. A. Maroon.

just fyi -- crisis managed.

my predecessor was a paranoid freak, so i called her up hoping against hope that she had thought to make some extra record of these things, which is so unlikely as, hello, wtf is ever gonna happen to the deal cards (unless of course an inter magically removes them from this time-space continuum...)?

anyway, because she's a paranoid freak, she'd printed them all out and filed them. thank god. so i reentered all that data, and some of the more recent ones i had to redo entirely, but i still had my notes on all the terms.

so, it was fixable. but ate up a LOT of my day.


and i really suck at confronting people.

when i discovered the total f*** up, my intern was on lunch. i didn't want to interrupt her lunch, so i panicked for a good hour (it took a long long time to exhaust all other resources and call my predecessor). and then when she came back from lunch this is the conversation we had:

intern: i'm back. you looked stressed out...is everything ok?
me: well, remember how i asked you to print those deal cards and you tried but it didn't work?
intern: yeah.
me: well, then i decided to try, only when i opened up the file they were gone.
intern: :::blank stare:::
me: see? :::clicks things::: :::does searches::: they're just gone...
intern: :::blank stare:::
me: i was wondering if maybe you could walk me through what happened...
intern: :::blank stare:::
me: you know, maybe they got moved somewhere or, you know...i just can't seem to find them, and i thought maybe you could help me.
intern: :::::long pause:::::::: i didn't do anything.
me: no, i mean, i'm sure it was an accident. one of those fluke things, you know? stuff like this is always happening to me. i just need to find the deal cards. so if you can remember anything. like, was there an error message? or something like that?
intern: :::blank stare:::
me: you know, just sort of walk me through what happened...
intern: ::::long pause::::: i didn't do anything.
my internal monologue: YOU OBVIOUSLY DID SOMETHING! WHEN I LEFT YOU SITTING HERE THE DEAL CARDS WERE ALL THERE. WHERE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS PRESS PRINT. NOW THEY ARE ALL GONE AND YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO'S TOUCHED THEM. AND I KNOW IT'S MY FAULT FOR LETTING YOU ANYWHERE NEAR MY COMUTER IN THE FIRST PLACE. I KNOW IT'S MY FAULT FOR THINKING THAT "FILE, PRINT" WAS WITHIN YOUR MENTAL CAPACITY. I KNOW I'M THE ONE WHO IS GOING TO EAT s*** UNLESS I CAN FIX THIS, SO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, INTERN, HELP ME FIX THIS. OF ALL THE f****** THINGS TO LOSE YOU LOSE THE DEAL CARDS?!?! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO STAB OUR CLIENTS AND STEAL THEIR WALLETS AND BURN ME AT THE STAKE AND CALL IT A DAY? PLEASE OH PLEASE JUST MAKE EVEN A VAGUE ATTEMPT TO HELP ME!
me: well, it's--it's--it's fine. it's totally not a big deal. i'll--i'll figure it out. why don't you go...read some more of that manuscript and i'll...i'll come find you when there's something else for you to do.
intern: ::::blank stare:::::
me: so... yeah. you can just... go. ok? .....thanks!

*laughs*

Oh, good god.

Is she generally this clueless or is this a first?

I'm glad it was fixable.

I'm really glad this did not end in total disaster and annihilation of Kelly! But oi, what a day for you.

Her internal monologue: holyshitholyshitholyshitholyshitholyshitholyshitholyshitholyshitholyshitholyshitholyshitholyshitholyshitholyshit

wow, time to dismiss the intern.

someone's going to be replacing me as vault librarian as I've moved on up to be an assistant editor (yay for credits in Intervention, our biggest show), and I'm terribly nervous they're going to do something disasterous like that. Like deleting the filemaker database that everything in aardvark depends on. Really easy to do, you just click 'delete all records' which is right below 'delete record' in the drop down menu. It's sort of like having the button for the 'Dr. Strangelove End of the World nuclear disaster' right next to the light switch.

And in the process of moving, my roomates took the tv, so that means until I finish moving in a couple weeks, no tv. either I'll read a whole bunch or I'll actually get in a habit of writing. I hate having that itch to write and then just not doing it. Why on earth should I be afraid to start writing when I enjoy it so much. oy. :p

There's the most amazing bookstore/children's literature art gallery in Los Angeles, it's a shame most of the people I know wouldn't appreciate seeing originals/prints of Where the Wild Things Are etc. I bet that peter pan art would fit right in.

frankly, i've been so swamped at work that i haven't had the time to update here--although there is a lot going on. i plan on adding a lot more tomorrow, and over the weekend, but for now, allow me to say a few brief things.


in particular, those who will someday be on the prowl for an agent should prick up your ears.


Rejection
it's not you, baby, it's me. (except for the times when it's you).

no one likes rejection. it sucks. it doesn't suck any less to be rejected by an agent. sometimes, depending on the type of person you are, it sucks more.

here are some truths:

rejection does not always mean that you suck.

believe it or not, sometimes your MS is great, but it's just not right for that particular agent. cut these losses by doing your research. don't send your YA MS to an agent who specializes in genre fiction. see? see the common sense there? (you'd be amazed at how many people can't grasp this). FAUX PAS ALERT: do not EVER send multiple queries to different agents IN THE SAME HOUSE. by all means, send your query to as many agents as you like in different agencies. let's say you send your MS to Susan, who agents children's and YA. but let's say Rebecca works at the same house and ALSO does children's and YA. DON'T SEND IT TO BOTH. pick one. do some homework. then pick ONE and ONLY ONE and send it there. let's say you send it to Susan. it's not her cup of tea, but it's a pretty good query. she will drop it in Rebecca's mailbox with a post-it offering her the chance to look at it. Rebecca and Susan will both be annoyed if you send it to both of them, and they end up having to review and reject you more than once. it's not good to annoy agents. they are VERY well connected.

sometimes, your MS is great, but the agent's list is full. this isn't bs. my bosses' lists are so full they have trouble returning their own clients' phone calls--forget trying to take on any PCs.

sometimes, there's nothing "wrong" with your MS, but the agent just doesn't fall in love with it. once an agent builds up a list, she'll be busy as hell. and there is no chance she'll ever take on anything she doesn't love and isn't willing to fight for.

please remember that just because Agent 1 doesn't love it that doesn't mean that Agent 65 won't. keep truckin'.

if you are being rejected for one of the above reasons you will get a somewhat personalized editorial letter. in some cases (if someone has asked to review a sample or full MS and then is going to pass) a very detailed con-crit editorial letter. these are GOOD SIGNS. yes, it's a rejection, but it doesn't happen to everyone, or even 2% of everyone. take care. apply the advice if you agree, ignore it if you don't, and keep querrying.

most of the time, you'll get what is known as a "form letter." (FUN FACT: people--read "disgruntled writers"--will sometimes refer to these as "boilerplate" letters. that there is a misuse of jargon,l buddy. a "boilerplate" is the term for a standing base for contracts between a specific publisher and an agent/author. it's a term used only when referring to contracts, and it takes a LONG time to build one up). a lot of people find form letters insulting. you can complain as soon as you want to come down here and sit in my chair and open, read, write, and mail 200+ personal rejection letters per day and still get all the rest of your work done by 6pm. i, at least, will put the author's name on. that's the best i can do for you, honey.


PLEASE PAY ATTENTION

now, i love my job, and i love what i do. i have no wish to stomp on all your little writerly hearts. but it is tough love time.

a "good" rejection letter (detailed above) DOES NOT MEAN that we're on the fence and we'll give you a shot if you beg hard enough. sometimes, an agent will reject a specific work, but ask to see any future endeavors. by all means--take them up on this! but DO NOT send the same piece again and say "i've fixed it! i did everything you said in your letter and it's sooooooooo much better now, and since you were so encouraging i wanted to let you look at it again, because i really respect your insight and i know we would work so well together and i'll give you my firstborn children, even, please! xoxoxo"

the toughest thing to remember is that you need an agent WAY MORE than an agent needs you.

it's hard. and it hurts. but it's true.

take the advice and move on.

things are not always this chaotic in my office...



the phones are all out at work today with the exception of one: the receptionist's. book people are some of the most easily flustered in the entire world. imagine about 30 of us running around and shouting messages to each other through walls and down stairwells. it hasn't yet occurred to anyone to use email (which sends a pop up to our screen everytime we get a new one, and would therefore be convenient). not to mention book people are neurotic, and all the flashing red distress lights on the phones are enough to send all of us off the deep end. we've got a new intern who's just starting today, and she's sitting out in the lobby with her little dress and her little shoes and her perfect hair looking as though she can't decide whether to leave, cry, or have us all committed to an asylum.

here was a nice little snippet that sums up our morning fairly well.

9:45am

::Kelly gets to work 15 minutes late because she overslept::

Kelly: Morning! Sorry I'm late, the trains are awful.
Luis, the mail guy (off-screen): SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIT.
Michael, the receptionist: The phones are down.
Kelly: Again? That happened on Friday.
Luis (still off-screen): SONUVABITCH.
:::phone rings:::
Kelly: I thought you said the phones were down?
Michael: They are. Mine's the only one that works. lucky me. :::picks up phone::: Writers House, this is Michael.
Kelly (to new intern): Hi.
New Intern: Hi...
:::Door opens. Jane walks in:::
Jane: Hey guys.
Michael (repeating himself slowly and distinctly into the phone): Ma'am, right now every phone in the building is broken except this one, I can't transfer you. Can I take a message?
Kelly (to intern): I'm Kelly.
Jane: Sorry. The trains were so slow this morning.
Kelly (to Jane): Haha. I overslept, too.
Michael (puts caller on hold): Please kill me.
Jane: Oh no, it's not going to be one of those Mondays, is it?
Kelly: I think it already is.
Michael: This woman wants to talk to Maya.
Jane: So?
Kelly: The phones are down.
Jane: Again?
Kelly: Yeah. Not his though.
Jane: That sucks.
Michael (leans forward in chair and yells in the direction of the stairs): MAYA!
Maya (off screen): WHAT?
Michael: SOMEONE IS ON THE PHONE FOR YOU. COME DOWN AND GET IT.
Maya (still off screen): TAKE A MESSAGE.
Michael: SHE WON'T LET ME. COME DOWN.
Jane: New intern?
Kelly: Yeah! Jane, this is...god, I'm so sorry. What's your name again?
New Intern: That's ok, I'm--
Luis (still off screen): MOTHERFUCKER!
Jane: What's wrong with Luis?
Kelly: I don't think anyone knows yet.
:::Maya walks in:::
Maya: Give me the phone. :::into the phone::: This is Maya.
Jane (reaches into her bag): I might as well fax this while I'm down here. Does the fax machine work?
Michael: Yes.
Jane: Great.
Michael (to Kelly): So you've met Emma?
Kelly: I'm sorry?
Michael: Emma.
Kelly (blankly): Who?
Michael: Emma.
New Intern: Me.
Kelly: OH! Hi! Yes, I mean, just now, yeah. Hi! Sorry.
New Intern (Emma): It's ok. Everything seems--
:::Maya slams down the phone:::
Maya: How the hell am I supposed to call to check up on that deal WHEN MY PHONE DOESN'T WORK?
Michael: You can have mine. I don't want it anymore.
:::fax machine emits high-pitched repetitive noise that sounds entirely too much like a dying, rabid racoon to make anyone comfortable:::
Jane: Uh oh...
Kelly (to Emma): So. Welcome to Writers House.

*laughs very hard*

God, I've felt like Emma in that story before.

she can't decide whether to leave, cry, or have us all committed to an asylum.

I'm thinking all of the above would be the best option.

I imagined that entire scene as a musical...complete with rolling chairs and, for some reason that makes no sense to me, umbrellas.

Michael, (the slightly sketchy guy who runs the internship program) was supposed to co-agent a project i pulled out of the slush pile that i am in LOVE with.

he just walked away from it.

unless i find someone to co with me, i've got to dump the project. i feel like crying.

MICHELE IS GOING TO BE MY CO-AGENT! I HAVE A PROJECT! I HAVE A PROJECT!


ok, yes, i am excited that i get to co my first sale, and yes, if it sells i get a chunk of the commission, and yes, that's great, but that's not really why i'm so unbelievably THRILLED.




really? i just love this MS. i just really, really love it. and it deserves to be a book. it deserves to be printed and held and opened and read. it's just a really really fantastic piece of work, and as far as i'm concerned, it's earned a spot on bookshelves everywhere. and i really really want to be a part of making that happen.

haha. it's not even MY book.

i just really love it.




AND I'M SO EXCITED!


i cannot WAIT to call the author and tell him!

If it gets sold, you need to tell us more about it.

Haha, that scene sounds awesome (in an afterward-it's-funny-like-a-movie sort of way). Congrats on the project! I think if I were a writer, I'd want someone to want to sell my book for those reasons.

This thread just keeps making my day, great comic timing in above story.

really? i just love this MS. i just really, really love it. and it deserves to be a book. it deserves to be printed and held and opened and read. it's just a really really fantastic piece of work, and as far as i'm concerned, it's earned a spot on bookshelves everywhere. and i really really want to be a part of making that happen.

haha. it's not even MY book.

i just really love it.

So now we know the next book club selection?

i got really stressed out this morning because there is SO MUCH STUFF in my office, and i can't find anything that i need in the mountains of paperwork on my desk and my predecessor left piles and piles and piles of things that i can't even begin to identify, so halfway through the morning is said, f*** it! i am going to go through every single thing in the office and throw out what isn't needed and make a list of everything that was before my time that i can't identify, and ask my boss what to do with it all.









that was probably the stupidest idea i have ever, ever, ever had. several hours later, my office looks like a bomb exploded several times in the middle of it. i have no idea what ANY of this stuff is, i'm choking on dust and have about a million paper cuts, and now i'm going to be responsible for dealing with these things my predecessor left behind and everyone else had virtually forgotten about until i brought it all to their attention.




i'm a moron.

Why not set your intern to it? She seems gifted at making things disappear.

Is that particular intern even still around? I would imagine she was fired or quit after losing mission critical data.

she's still here, and has been MUCH better since.

Out of curiosity, why does so much get done through snail mail?

Obviously having hard copies of an MS allows it to be read somewhere other than sitting at your desk, but as far as query letters and whatnot, wouldn't having an electronic slush pile be easier to manage?