Philotic Web

Dear You,

I confess myself disappointed. It's taken this long, but I've arrived. I'm disappointed in you. I expected so much more from you; you always made it clear that I ought to. For a long, long time I blamed myself. I thought I had somehow let you down.

I didn't.

What you're afraid of? It's true. The guilt that sometimes swells up and chokes you? It absolutely should. You made a mistake. But that's not what disappoints me.

What disappoints me is that you're too cowardly to fix it.

Don't you see how completely fixable this is? And every month--yes, month--that you let creep by makes it that much more difficult to fix. And I made it so easy for you! I reached out and reached out and reached out... and nothing.

Nothing.

I don't deserve that. You owe me a response, and I'm trying to convince myself that I'll probably never ever get it.

Because, you see, I know you. You're like me. Remember how we used to talk about that all the time? I know you. I know exactly what you're doing, and why. And it sucks. What you're doing is s***** and cowardly and lowers your character. You're too good of a person, too mature and kind-hearted to be acting like this.

And you are not afraid of me. Please don't deceive yourself on that point. You are not afraid of me because you already know that I will forgive you. Sometimes, I think I already have forgiven you. If you are motivated by fear of anything at this point, you fear yourself. You're afraid to be confronted with your own behavior because you're ashamed of it.

Well, guess what? s*** happens. People screw up. They make mistakes. They hurt their friends. Then they deal with it, and everyone moves on. So deal with it, already.

Maybe you don't like me anymore. Maybe salvaging this friendship is of absolutely no interest to you. In fact, that's what I ought to believe since all of your behavior indicates that that is the case.

And stupid, stupid me for clinging to this friendship long past its expiration date. I ought to know better after the last five years.

The out-of-the-blue emails and messages only shoved the knife in another inch. Why tell me you want to reconcile only to continue to ignore my emails and phone calls? You didn't have to contact me to begin with. You could have vanished into the air like I expected you to. And it would have hurt, but at least the message would have been clear and I wouldn't have to deal with you toying with me.

And now I can't let it go. I think about you every day. I walk down the streets of this vast and vibrant city and I get so frustrated because everything is going so well right now, and parts of me are so very, very happy. And yet there's a sourness to it all. Because you hurt me very badly and I don't know how to let it go.

I know you. You can't have changed all that much in ten months. (Yes. It has been that long). You and I are a lot alike. So I understand. I do. I truly, truly do. But I never would have done this to you.

The ball is still in your court. You must have at least 12 of them over there by now. I keep batting them your way.

Please. Answer me.

-Kel

Dear Yourself,

Please stop having these dreams... it's starting to become annoying. Really. I'm fine with it now, there is no reason to continue to pester me with returning feelings! Why give me these dreams now and not when I cared for them? Stop it, please!

-- The Conscious Part Of Wil's Body

P.S: Congrats on your 200th post, self!

Dear Jeebs,

You are a shining beacon in a dark sea of asshattery. Please cease your bad habit of not being here.

-me

Dear you,

Please don't be hard. I think I understand the material, but I am afraid you are going to have picky details. You aren't worth very much to my grade, but it will be a blow to my confidence if I fail you. Unfortunately I didn't study well and am lacking motivation--hence my being online 30 minutes before you start.

Please be kind. Please?

Dear Jeebs,

You are a shining beacon in a dark sea of asshattery. Please cease your bad habit of not being here.

-me

Ditto. Your sarcasm always needed.

Dear Jeebs,

You are a shining beacon in a dark sea of asshattery. Please cease your bad habit of not being here.

-me

Ditto. Your sarcasm always needed.

Ditto². We love you!

Dear Jeebs,

You are a shining beacon in a dark sea of asshattery. Please cease your bad habit of not being here.

-me

Ditto. Your sarcasm always needed.

Ditto². We love you!

Yeah! I lo... uh... *cough* i appreciate you in a manly, totally non-gay, way.

Guys, I love the love, but stop acting so funny-starved. There are many clever, humorous people on this forum.

Guys, I love the love, but stop acting so funny-starved. There are many clever, humorous people on this forum.

But you've got panache.

Dear you,

This isn't going to work. You're not allowed to have a non-duck avatar. It's like a law or something.

- Butthead

Dear you,

This isn't going to work. You're not allowed to have a non-duck avatar. It's like a law or something.

- Butthead

True story.

Dear you,
Most bizarre thing ever, you talking to me for the first time in 16 months like we're old friends.

Don't get me wrong, I like it.

But it's weird. Oh, I think your brother hated me.

-me

Dear You,

I'm pretty sure he did.

Me

Dear you,

This isn't going to work. You're not allowed to have a non-duck avatar. It's like a law or something.

- Butthead

True story.

Oh brother. Y'all are silly.

Dear You,

Thanks for the confirmation of the aforementioned belief I held.

It's okay; I no longer take it as personally as I did when it was happening. The only people who saw me as I actually am as opposed to how I act when I'm uncomfortable/insecure were your former roommates.

Not that I think you care to know that distinction.

This is more a side effect of my boredom and time alone with my thoughts.

-me

Dear You,

I'm trying to remain calm and neutral over the whole thing. I think I'm doing a fairly good job, considering I don't think you even know that I know that you were talking about me. But seriously, why would you make such horrible claims about me on your blog, especially when it isn't even a "supposed" problem of yours (and when in fact it's not even a problem of the person your claiming has a problem with me), and especially when you know that I'm going to be reading it? Why would you say that I refuse to seek the professional help that I supposedly need? Or say that I refuse to let my best friend be friends with anyone else and it's ruining her life to the point that it's affecting everyone around her? Or say that I need to be broken down and hurt so that I can fix my problems (that don't exist...at least not the ones that you're claiming exist) and "heal?" What kind of crap is that?

We've talked about this when you posted it. She didn't believe you could be writing about me. She assured me I was crazy because she doesn't feel that way. But then you deleted the entry when you found out that she actually is my best friend and not yours. Then you tell her that you won't contact her again. Now she believes that you did write those things about me and she's angry with you. And I'm hurt. So beyond hurt. I now doubt everything I do, everything I am. It's hurting my family because I can't feel confident that I deserve to be loved by them. I'm always afraid that maybe everyone has been lying to me and they all actually hate me, as you so obviously do. And that hurts, because I don't even know why you decided to hate me. He's probably telling you lies about me, because for some unknown reason, he decided to hate me before he even married you. I can't understand why people who are supposed to love me, hate me with such a passion. I think it hurts more because I do love you guys.

It sucks that I have to be the bigger person about it, too. You don't even know that I know. So if you found out, you'd unleash your wrath on me. I've felt your wrath before, and I don't want to again. It was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. I don't want to go through that again. So I have to just keep suffering in silence.

Your least favorite SIL

Dear You,

I really enjoyed talking with you. I am still surprised that you noticed me, and you still intimidate me more than a little bit. I really hope that we get to talk again, soon. It isn't terribly often that I get to have an intelligent conversation that is that much fun, too.

~Dan


Dear You,

Even though I didn't say anything about it in the thread concerning this topic, I am praying for you. Just remember these two things..
"What must be endured can be endured." and
"Everything is okay, in the end. If it is not okay, than it is not the end."

~Dan


Dear You,

Thank you. A hundred times, thank you. That helped me out, a lot more than you probably know. It also helped me answer a question or two that I was struggling with. I will tell you, soon.

~Dan


Dear You,

So, we are back to this crap, huh? Sometimes, I wish I could just be rid of you. But, sometimes, I also wish I could just... be closer to you. Rawr.

~Dan


Dear You,

A fifteen and a half hour day is not fun. Especially when you have to sit in the middle of 12 screaming kids for 5 hours of it, and try to keep them semi-calm, with no assistance. I refuse to allow you to force that upon me, ever again. As such, I will be tendering my resignation, shortly.

~Mr. West


Dear You,

You need to decide, and fast, what you are intending to do about IT. If you don't intend to hire me, I am going to have to look for a job, and leave you high and dry. I don't have a choice.

~"Lt." Dan


Dear You,

I really am glad to be able to consider you my newest Friend.

~Mr. Dan


Dear You,

41.999rpt.

~Dan

EDIT: Punctuation

Dear You Two,
I am honestly disgusted by you and your supposed professionalism, to the point that I am shaking with rage right now.

Yes, yes, I know what I did was the lowest of lows to you, you who had me branded as Guilty before you even heard my side of the story.

To treat me like s*** to scare me when I was at my lowest was horrible of you, but I understood and accepted it because I thought I deserved to be treated like the idiot I thought I was.

Hell, I'll even forgive you for making s*** up even though it was completely unfounded.

You started to push it when you made claims that I couldn't possibly care about my kids, because you're so f****** off base with that. I cared more than just about everyone at that school. 11-12 hours a day on the weekdays and the last one to leave, including the janitors, 6 hours on weekends, coaching, after school with the kids every day, volunteering for every event and helping to develop the curriculum for a brand new program...all of it speaks to how little I cared, considering you were paying me so damn much to do it all, right?

But to make me go so far as to have the need to threaten you with my lawyer to get the final ends tied up and then for you to be so spineless that you make a third party call me regarding the matter?

Jesus Christ. I miss my job. I terribly miss my kids. I miss some of my coworkers. But maybe it was a blessing to be rid of you.

You don't know me, you never cared to know me so just cut the s***.

-Me

Dear y'all,

Happy now?

avatar Nazis...

Actually I kinda liked it. But I also like being goofy.

Dear you,

I wish I could do more than send a card or email, but anything beyond that would be pretty unprofessional. I know we only met once, but I was really looking forward to getting to know you. I can't imagine what you are going through, and wish I could do something. I'm not a parent, but losing a child is quite possibly the worst nightmare I can imagine. But I know you have many who are there to comfort you and I pray only the best for you in the future.

I truly hope our paths cross again.
Me

Dear y'all,

Happy now?

avatar Nazis...

I like Darkwing better.

Dear You,

If I ever wanted to enumerate a list of ways you've affected me over the years, it might be difficult because those things are generally qualitative, not quantitative. But I can now give a quasi-quantifiable account in at least one way.

I'm going off spicy food for a week on the advice of a housemate, to see if that affects my migraines. (If I honestly thought spice was a factor I'd be more worried about the results of the experiment.) But I went down to look through my food cupboard and I'm really kinda stumped.

Okay, what do I have that I can make this week? Biryani powder? Chana masala powder? Bhuna paste? Nope, nope, nope. Hot Japanese curry paste? Hmm, possibly since Japanese "hot" is just sorta savoury, but to be safe, nope. Hmm, okay, go through the recipe book. Curry, curry, curry, jambalaya, mexican, curry, nope that one calls for fresh chillis, nope calls for cayenne... DANGIT!

So now I've finally located a tomato-okra stew, moussaka, ratatouille, and spanakopita if I start feeling masochistic.

It's all your fault.

Edit: Revised menu is: tomato-okra-banana stew, moussaka with greek salad, and shepherd's pie. And please remind me to get some proper chilli sauce when I'm home, or a recipe to make my own. I wonder how I would go about transporting the sauce from the meat place. The stuff here kinda sucks. It's more like tangy ketchup than chilli sauce.

Dear you,

What do you think? Derry, Maine, Jerusalem's Lot, Maine, or Castle Rock, Maine?

HK

Dear you,

I think I know who you were talking about tonight, and I want you to know, if your conundrum was whether or not to act upon your feelings, instead of how best to repress them, I would feel better, because, honestly, my life would probably get a lot simpler if you did.

Jeff

Dear You,

I want a trhee week vacation. Don't youthink it would be nice, all places by order in the alphabet?

Dear You,

I still think about you. A lot. Too much, probably. It drives me nuts not knowing anything about what's going on. It shouldn't, but it does. I shouldn't care, but I do. I want to stop caring still simply because I know it is pointless. I read the emails and they still anger me. Probably why I want to stop caring because I hate being angry over something I have no control over. It probably goes deeper than that -- in fact I know it does. Too deep to get in to here anyways. I wonder if I'm still on your mind or if I'm just a memory pushed away. It saddens me when that happens. I think about the people I've known or seen or met or talked to and I wonder if I'm a memory they ever recall. It frightens me that I may not be as memorable as I try and make others be in my mind. It saddens me when people I have fond memories of don't remember me. Unsure of the purpose of this, it's just late, I'm restless, and it's been on my mind a lot in the last few days. Hope everything is.. er.. good. Hope those posts didn't anger/annoy/hurt or whatever. Those posts anger me also though. Makes me wonder how long it will be until you realize, or if you ever will. Makes me wonder if I'll ever find anyone that doesn't do that. Makes me wonder if I'll ever find anyone at all. Damn, I'm too picky. I'm hopeless and useless. If anyone will end up alone, it'll be me. Elohel, listen to me. I shouldn't write at night, it's when I'm most depressed and alone. Conversely, it's also when I get my most work done. Probably just me attempting to drown out my sorrows in other things. Then I dump it all in writing if I can't find another outlet. Ah well...

-Transmission End-

Dear You,

I want a trhee week vacation. Don't youthink it would be nice, all places by order in the alphabet?

Helen, If i didn't know any better, I'd say you were drunk-posting.

I, um.... blame it on the ice cream?

Dear you,

I thank you, love you and hate you at the same time. Thank you for all the good you've brought upon me; love you for keeping it like that; hate you for slowly yet soundly making me lose my mind.

--Me

Dear You's (Vosotros?)

I love this place.

HK

Dear you(s),

I had a very vivid dream about the 3 of you last night. It was weird that not all of you were there, and I remember getting mad you didn't tell me you were coming to visit so I could have invited the rest of the roommates. I was supposed to hang out with a friend from school but since you were there I chose to stay home. I just fell asleep though, I was so tired, and all I got was a note you left. I didn't even get to spend time with you.

Then there was the bit about a bathroom from my grandma's house. It was kind of strange.

Anyway, I miss all of you terribly. I miss the fun we had and how someone was always there to talk to or just hang out with. I miss the closeness, knowing what's going on with every aspect of everyone's lives, and being each other's support system when we were stressed. I miss the fact that you thought I was funny. I miss not worrying about tests until the night before and getting ice cream right before Gilmore Girls.

I can't believe my college years are over.

Love,
Me

Dear you,

I was really stressing about this week, and not just because of the actual work we would be doing. You would be spending a lot of time with my family and the people closest to my family. You would see them (and me) tired, grumpy, pushy, and hard at work. I think I was a little too grumpy with you at moments and for once, you were the one who reminded me that it's ok to be a little silly. In a weird way i'm glad I can be grumpy with you and you act like it's nothing. It's nice to know I don't have to be nice 24-7. It's also really reassuring to know you click with my family.

I'm beyond exhausted (and I know you are too), sore, probably a little dehydrated and missing you horribly.

I love you,
- Me

Dear You,

Will I ever be able to eat kettle-corn without thinking of you? Somehow, I doubt it.

Your beloved

Dear You,

If I can hear you sniffling every few seconds in the library while I have my earplugs in, you need to go home and take some sudafed/benedryl. Or blow your damn nose.

The person sitting across from you

Dear You,

Please pass me despite this one last time that I'm handing in a paper unconscionably late.

Your annoying student

Dear You,

Please, please, please stop showing up in my dreams and giving me pep talks or requiring me to give pep talks on the importance of perseverence, the worthwhileness of jumping through the hoops to get to the Ph.D., and the silliness of my degree of procrastination.

Your Departmentmate

Dear You(s),
Please? I am at your mercy, here.
-Alea