Postby Gravity Defier » Mon Nov 21, 2011 5:06 pm
I was a little nervous before he got here that this weekend might be awkward; last month, we had a whole group of very cool people to help keep conversation going and keep things interesting and one of my many concerns/insecurities is that I'm super boring, so I got worried that with just the two of us, it'd get awkwardly quiet (I am perfectly fine with silence if I don't think it makes my company uncomfortable) and whatever we enjoyed about each other in Portland wasn't real or something. I mean, we talk on a very regular basis from across the country but I tend to freeze up on people in person...something about being paid attention to that scares me and it's never more obvious people are paying attention than in person. Anyway.
We found a very nice rhythm with each other and I was grinning like an idiot pretty much the entire weekend. Although he needs to lay off the pancake judgments ("You're not getting the chocolate chip pancakes, are you?" Um, hell yes, I am.), that was so very him, so I was pretty amused.
One of the coolest things about him coming to AZ was I finally, finally got to show someone things that were, in their way, important in my life. Yebra came back in 2008 but that was the Phoenix area, the GC, and Sedona, all areas I have no personal, emotional ties to. I took zero to the UofA and told awful, pointless stories about the different sights and he asked questions; there was something indescribably awesome about showing him the place I was when I first stumbled onto Pweb 8 years ago.
I had, probably, the sweetest moment I've ever had with a guy. We ended up going to the Saguaro National Park and making a very short hike up to a nice vantage point, and got to see the sunset. It was beautiful; cacti everywhere and the green shrub vegetation throughout made it look like the desert was carpeted, there were these perfect clouds that caught the light in just the right way to make them look lit up, blues and oranges and some red in the sky, and this boy I like so very much with his head in my lap, so I could play with his stubble. I don't know what it is about his face that I like so much (for these purposes) but my hand was very happy cupping his jaw or running a finger from near his ear to chin and back again.
He scares the crap out of me, though. Still. Or more. Or still and more. Every last guy I've ever been interested in and had even a remote chance of being with or was actually able to be with (as in dating, not necessarily being regularly in the physical presence of) has found some way of making me feel really s***** about myself. But if zero wishes I were taller, thinner, prettier, better endowed, sexier, funnier, smarter, whatever-er, I'm not picking up on it at all. I am still me, insecure as hell, so I still find myself thinking if I really liked him, I'd stop showing interest so he could find this taller, thinner, prettier, better endowed, sexier, funnier, smarter, whatever-er girl and be happier, but there's the teeny tiny nugget of rational person in me that thinks he is talking to me and visiting me and interested in me and who gives a s*** if it makes sense to me (it doesn't, not even a little bit), it is what it is and I should just enjoy it as much as I can.
Overall, I had a great time, though I am trying not to focus too much on the stuff that made me feel like I must be a huge disappointment. I was also really proud of myself for not crying when I dropped him off at the airport this morning and I thought for sure I was going to get away with not crying at all (I didn't when I left Portland) but this song came on and right around the time I was making the change to the interstate that made it most obvious I was leaving the Tucson area of the state, about 70 miles outside of Tucson itself, and I started crying. That's not the greatest thing, when driving at high speeds so I put a stop to that real fast but still...I didn't want him to go or I didn't want to have to stay. He smells nice and is nice to cuddle with and talk to and just silently be around, so it sucks he has to live so far away.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.
Cool thing is, I don't even have to leave the state; I think this is a first.
