Philotic Web

Hey, I'm looking for some critique on my work.

Storyline -- Is it enjoyable overall? Does it need more story to be whole? Is it unsatisfying?

Beginning -- Does it start out strong? Are you hooked? Do you want to read more? If not, do you have any suggestions of what might hook you better?
Prose -- Is the writing easy to follow, and pleasant to read?

Anything else, other suggestions I am open to. I want you to critique me harshly. I won't get my feelings hurt. I will take your suggestions seriously, and in most occasions I will probably change something based on your suggestion. I appreciate all who are willing to help.

http://www.luminousnerd.com/2006/last-hope

The file is lasthope_03.rtf towards the bottom of the post.

I appreciate any help with this

i can't download it for some reason. i'd be happy to critique it if you posted the full text somewhere.

I also don't seem to be able to get a download from my browser (nor a browser page)

Dammit!

Sorry guys, it is fixed now...

grrr...wordpress angers me....

no luck. still doesn't work.

Hmm, should work fine now. Probably you're still viewing the old version. No matter, here's a direct link

http://www.luminousnerd.com/wp-content/ ... ope_03.rtf

I got it, from the link marked "DOWNLOAD NOW (I fixed the link)"
maybe Young Val should reload the page, that she's seeing the old one from cache.

I haven't read it yet.

Yea, that's probably what happend, stored in her cache still. Even if you do refresh it could still be there. Shift-F5 usually works, but no matter, you can just use the link in my last post.

Thanks for your willingness to read it

Oh, and by the way...I'm not trying to rush anyone here...but, honestly, if you can't get through it, don't feel bad...just tell me how far you got and if there's any comments on why it bored you...

Trust me, I won't be offended. The mark of an author is the ability to throw out his/her work if it needs to be thrown out. So seriously, lay it on me.

ANYTHING bad about this, I want to know

Thanks again

I am not very good at reviewing things... at all, but I personally liked it. I had to dl it then open it in wordpad, but eitherway it worked. If you really want feedback, especially from other authors, try uploading it to fictionpress.net I think it is. when I read that "she would be destroyed, along with a species", I immediately thought it was going to be an Ender's Game-esqu story, but surprisingly it was different. But I'm no author, nor very good at english, so my opinion on this isn't very important, but I'd try posting it on fictionpress.net or it might be fiction-press.net, something liek that, I think it's good enough to go up there.

You might want to check out the Writing Workshop section of Hatrack River. (www.hatrack.com, case you didn't know).

That said, I'd love to critique it.

But I'm no author, nor very good at english, so my opinion on this isn't very important, but I'd try posting it on fictionpress.net or it might be fiction-press.net, something liek that, I think it's good enough to go up there.

I haven't looked at your story, but if you have hopes of doing something with it, I would avoid putting more than an excerpt online. Making your work publically accessible online is considered first publication.

well, I only have time to read the first 3 or 4 pages, but here are my initial reactions:
The first scene is intriging. It starts at a good place. But then it progresses into a major infodump. That mean's that you're giving us all the background to the story all at once. It's impossible to follow, and impossible to remember all of it.
Keep with the action. Have the background be revealed to us as the story progresses. That way, we'll understand it and won't forget it.
Ok that's my $.02. I might have time to read the rest later, but it's doubtful, considering school just started again, and.....well you know how that goes.

I didn't care for your writing style. It's a bit...TOO dramatic. Just let the words flow, don't try and impress anyone. Seems interesting, though.

All of your advice is greatly appreciated! I'll keep tweaking with it!

A few questions:

1) Rei: If I am not to publish it online, what do you suggest for getting critique? I have no one close to me who is willing to critique it as harshly as I'd like it critiqued. And I don't have anyone who I know well enough online to send it for a critique, either.

2) Seiryu: Well, if I don't try to 'impress anyone' it will be total s*** like most of the arguments I have on this forum So what will it be...first you tell me I don't do enough research/put enough effort into editing, now I'm doing it too much? I'm probably just not understanding what you mean here, it would be cool if you could be more specific.

To everyone else, I really appreciate your suggestions, I will certainly take them into account in my edits!! Thanks a ton!

Thanks tons to puppets for the suggestion of FictionPress.com (I think this is the one you were suggesting--it's the closest one I found). I'll definitely look into it, it looks very interesting!

The thing about fictionpress is that most people post their stories in segments as they go along, so they can get advice from eachother, from what I've seen on there, reading reviews and etc of random people's stories, it is a very good reader/writer community, post your story in segments or chapters,... etc. There may be other sites too, I'd still at least look around for other sites though, a personal website doesn't get as many visitors as the more commercial kind.

1) Rei: If I am not to publish it online, what do you suggest for getting critique? I have no one close to me who is willing to critique it as harshly as I'd like it critiqued. And I don't have anyone who I know well enough online to send it for a critique, either.

I am no writer (and I'm also not Rei, but alas), but you could post a smaller excerpt (possibly one of significance, or one giving trouble), and ask for comments on that. Then, when someone gives feedback or shows interest, badger them relentlessly with more private correspondance until they review the whole thing.

i agree with zero's suggestions regarding the online publication problem.


before i continue with my critique, i'd like to say something brief. i've spent a lot of money and a lot of years learning how to hone my writing skills and how to critique and analyze the skills of others. i've been doing freelance work as a reader for a literary scout in new york city for a year. that means i have been reading solicited manuscripts and writing up reports on them. i'm the first gate you've got to pass. if i like it, it moves on; if i don't, it gets dumped right then and there.

i only say these things because when people ask for honest opinions and say they won't be offended--i give them my honest opinion, the way i've been trained to do, and i expect them not to be offended. but oftentimes they are. and, trust me, after my workshops in college, i know all too well how absolutely brutal people can be when critiquing stuff. and it's HARD to keep it separate from your self.


i'm thorough. and a lot of times i'm harsh. i give praise where it's due. it's not personal. it's strictly about the writing.


if you want THAT kind of a critique from me, i'll be happy to give it. if you would prefer something a bit more informal, i'll do that, then.

1) Rei: If I am not to publish it online, what do you suggest for getting critique? I have no one close to me who is willing to critique it as harshly as I'd like it critiqued. And I don't have anyone who I know well enough online to send it for a critique, either.

I am no writer (and I'm also not Rei, but alas), but you could post a smaller excerpt (possibly one of significance, or one giving trouble), and ask for comments on that. Then, when someone gives feedback or shows interest, badger them relentlessly with more private correspondance until they review the whole thing.

Hehe, that's a decent thought. Right now I'm most interested in knowing how the whole thing flows, though, and that's difficult with excerpts. :-/ Thanks for the advice though, I will put it into effect at some point in the future.

Shouldn't I be able to protect myself with some notice that says "This is not published, it is pre-published, I am only seeking advice" or something?

Young Val deserves a separate reply, so one moment.

i agree with zero's suggestions regarding the online publication problem.

before i continue with my critique, i'd like to say something brief. i've spent a lot of money and a lot of years learning how to hone my writing skills and how to critique and analyze the skills of others. i've been doing freelance work as a reader for a literary scout in new york city for a year. that means i have been reading solicited manuscripts and writing up reports on them. i'm the first gate you've got to pass. if i like it, it moves on; if i don't, it gets dumped right then and there.

Well then I am very honored to get a review by you

i only say these things because when people ask for honest opinions and say they won't be offended--i give them my honest opinion, the way i've been trained to do, and i expect them not to be offended. but oftentimes they are. and, trust me, after my workshops in college, i know all too well how absolutely brutal people can be when critiquing stuff. and it's HARD to keep it separate from your self.

i'm thorough. and a lot of times i'm harsh. i give praise where it's due. it's not personal. it's strictly about the writing.

if you want THAT kind of a critique from me, i'll be happy to give it. if you would prefer something a bit more informal, i'll do that, then.

I want that kind of critique. I want a harsh reality check from someone like you You are exactly the kind of person I've been looking for, and if you do what you say you do, I would love to hire you if I had money for that. I'm honored that you'd be willing to critique this for me.

And yes, absolutely, I want the harsh stuff. I said I won't be offended, maybe I lied. I can't really know until I read it. But if I am offended, I can promise you that within a minute I'll remember that this was what I asked for, and that this is the greatest possible way to make my story better.

So please, give me all you got Young Val

2) Seiryu: Well, if I don't try to 'impress anyone' it will be total s*** like most of the arguments I have on this forum So what will it be...first you tell me I don't do enough research/put enough effort into editing, now I'm doing it too much? I'm probably just not understanding what you mean here, it would be cool if you could be more specific.

Listen: people tend to, when they write, they write to be judged by others. The point of writing is to get a story told. You want to add a bit of fanciness, research, etc., that comes post-production. You can kind of tell when someone adds it during writing and after writing. It's not something I can be terribly specific about. Your sentences aren't terribly blended together well. It seems like a bit of a jump from one sentence to another even though they're about the same thing.

I'm not being negative. I'm trying to help and yet I don't know what to say. It's certainly interesting, just let it flow more.

Okay, thanks a lot for the advice. I don't exactly know how to heed this advice, but I will keep it in mind.

Edit: Sadly, FictionPress.com is glitchy. It won't send my verification email (Yes I'm using a supported browser and tried to re-send and allowed the email address on my list)