Philotic Web

Dear Bob,

There is this memory that I am coming back to over and over this year: when I was in fifth grade my pediatrician told me that I was going to be a heartbreaker.

Well.

This is the time and the place, but not for us.

I don't like this.

Love,
Abbie

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Dear Bob,

I'm a month into school and I'm definitely feeling it. As glad as I am to be here, I'm growing tired. I do have one good friend and I'm slowly developing more, but I need to remember how to study again. And I need to do it. Anyway, for now I need a nap because I was up too late in the previous endeavour, last night. Just two subjects to work on, today... Just two more main items...

~Rei

Dear Bob,

My world is filled with so many faces, Bob. So many of them I know from some class or some introduction, enough to deserve a sort of cursory "yes, you exist, and I'm aware of the fact" nod when I pass them on the street, or a "yes, you exist, and I'm glad" smile, but I don't actually really know them. Do you ever get the feeling like all you would really need is one good line, one opening statement, one chance reason to be together for more than ten minutes, and suddenly they would really be in your life? I feel like I walk down the street every day and stare ten alternate realities in the face before my first cup of coffee. Everyone has that guy they had a class with once, who for some reason compels you to stop and talk every time you see him, even though you really have nothing to talk about. And every time I do I think, "I could like you, you know. Who knows, I could even love you. If only there was some reason to be around you." But there isn't. And you just smile warmly and walk off, because there's nothing else to do.

Am I the only person who seems to live in a fuzzy world of thousands of possible endings to the same story, instead of just living it?

I've never really told this to anyone, but every time I get into an elevator with someone fascinating I pray that it breaks. That door open ding is the most disappointing sound in the world. I think that being stuck in an elevator with someone for 5 hours would be the coolest way to meet in the history of the world.

But Bob, the funny thing about living in this half-formed world of possible connections is that they never seem to happen. I really think all it takes in one good opening line, and someone could change your life.

Love always,
Janelle

Dear Bob,

Why do I do this to myself? I find just one girl and fixate on her. I'm way too shy to tell her how I actually feel (and in this case, it would be pointless because our views on relationships differ way too much), but can't stop obsessing over her, and I get jealous when she flirts with other guys (or sleeps with them, as the case may be). But they claim it's just a physical thing, which makes me think less of her, and at the same time, let's me convince myself that she could still like me.

I don't think I'll ever have a normal relationship. I'm just too messed up when it comes to interacting with females.

Thanks for listening, Bob. You're a good friend.

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yay Aia!

Dear BOB,

Welcome back, again. I guess I can't really say that because I haven't been on pweb for a few years at least, but still. I missed you, I missed the whole forum.

My life is too busy. I think I'm addicted to success or work or something like that, because I just can't seem to get enough of it - and I can't stop! I'll have an opportunity to live a real life instead of just kicking it into overdrive all the time, and I wont take it! Why? Theatre is the only joy of my life - the very idea of not going to rehearsal for a even a day kills me inside, and yet I get less than 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night doing work for four AP classes, practicing piano or singing, going to soccer games - don't get me wrong, I've made sacrifices in my scholastic career so that I could do theatre, but that just makes me feel worse, like I'm not worthy of having free time, that I absolutely must work my ass off to make up for not being the very very best. Honestly, I think I'd be better off with some real drug than this - it would probably be healthier, physically and mentally.

I barely see my friends anymore. They think it's because of my hectic theatre schedule. How the hell am I supposed to make a choice like that? Of course I've been remaining committed to theatre, but suddenly I've been noticing little things, like that I'm not on their lists of "people I absolutely love and can't live without" anymore, and I'm missing out on more and more moments with them - I feel like such an outsider with them now. All we can do together anymore is drink - I swear, if I have to drink one more damned 5% alcohol sugary-soda drink with them and pretend it's the coolest thing in the world, I'm going to explode.

Why did he have to leave? Sure, I love theatre no matter what, but he's the one who introduced me to the love of my life and it's just not the same without him. He's a genius - and I can't help but feel that his talents are being wasted. Sure, I've been e-mailing him, but it's all forced conversation because I don't know what to say to him, but I don't want to lose him either. I don't think I've ever met anyone who altered my life as much as he did and I want nothing more than to continue working with hiim, training under the best of the best.

And then there's him. He confuses me so much. I feel this incredible need to know WHY he is the way he is, why he looked ten years younger just a year or so ago, why he torments quiet, introverted people who are exactly like me only a year ago, why I am so damned fascinated with him when I should despise and abhor him for his whole...demeanor.

My parents are concerned for my health. I know I've lost some weight, and I love the way I look and feel, but I've been feeling so light headed and I don't know why. I definitely eat enough, and I'm not getting rid of my food right after I eat it or anything. I try to eat more, but I don't have the appetite. and junk food repulses me with it's processed-ness and the way it makes me feel bloated and guilty. Is this some protest my body's having to my habits?

Well. Anyway. Thank you, once again. I feel much better.

the HiveQueen

Dear Bob,

At the school my dad teaches at and my brother attends, a kid recently wrote a teacher an 8-page hate letter referencing recent school shootings and made hand motions to her like he was holding a gun.

Is the administration going to do anything? I don't know. I hope so. I don't know.

So, I'm nervous for my Dad and brother.

I don't want to be. I can't control it and it's not really likely anything will happen. But... I have a lot of anxiety about my immediate family dying in a car wreck or accidentally or just randomly, and when my mom told me that, it just set me off. So now I'm worried.

~~~~

In other news, the life of a clown has its ups and its downs.

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Dear Bob,

Andy's coming to visit in approximately 19 hours! Not that I'm counting or anything.

Love,
me.

bob, i am so extremely stressed. i thought i was doing so well in my classes, and all of the sudden it's late friday night, and i have three midterms next week and a ton of stuff to do tomorrow and not enough time to study at all.

but, the upside is that when i make it through this week, i have no midterms the following week so i can spend the weekend at my parent's house and relax.

it's funny, i think my mcat score helped me finally realize that i am smart. kind of in the way that i knew i wasn't dumb, but i really doubted my abilities up to that point. and now i feel even more pressure to live up to my standards of how i should do.

bob, it's my senior year. and within the first three weeks i am freaking out like this. this usually doesn't happen until finals.

I've reached the point where it's clear there's no way this room is ever going to be tidy. I think I'm just going to spread out the mess evenly and lay a new carpet.

Dear Bob,

Andy is not coming in two hours. Andy no longer has a vehicle. Therefore, no Andy this weekend.

Dear Bob,

I was called unprecedented last night. I like compliments like "unprecedented," and "flat-out impressive." They're so much more interesting that the typical, "you're so beautiful," kind of things.

Dear Bob,

I have gained 20 pounds in the last 2 weeks. No, I'm not joking, and I'm not exaggerating. I was 160 when I came to my Dad's last, and now I'm 180. That's exactly 2 weeks later.

According to height, I am officially overweight with a BMI of 25.1

And this concerns me more than it should.

I know that I had stopped eating for a bit over a week which would do exactly that (my last trip here was on the tail end of that); and I don't know what I weighed before that though I was pretty sure it was close to what I weighed at the end of it....but now I'm 20 f****** pounds heavier?

She has infected me. I never used to care. I'd look out of curiosity occasionally, and that was that....now....now I'm....scared that I'm getting fat? I know I won't do anything aobut it. I'm not about to change my eating habits, I'm not about to start going to a gym or to any sort of exercise....I'm just gonna get fat.....now noone's gonna want me for sure...Not like anyone will now anyways....

What if I get fat and I never find anyone new?
I can't get anyone (serious) looking how I do now...waht if I get fat? Then I'll definitely not find anyone....

I'm scared.
This isn't me, but it's become me.
I'm getting fat.

--Cam

Meh, BMI is overrated, or maybe the forumla loses some accuracy at my height. I'm supposedly obese according to those BMI calculator thingies, yet my doctors always tell me I'm in great shape.

Dear Bob,

my boss at work told me today that a guy called and said he was a D.A.R.E officer and that every year our company donates and that he talked to our maneger already (he knew my manegers name) and asked if he could come by to collect the donation. she said that he was really pushy and said some comments that were inapropriate, and told him to come in the next day. well he came in around 10 or 11, around close, and gave some bumper sickers and such, then asked for 35 dollers... well my boss felt uneasy about it, why would he come in so late? and (not to be steriotypical but) he didnt look like a cop, he had longer hair, a mustash, and over all agressive manner. anyway, she went in the back and called the store from her cell and told the only other person there to yell for her when the phone rang, he did and she went back and pretended to talk for quite some time. when he saw she wasnt comming back, he left. my boss imedatly called our maneger and told him about it, thay then called the police department and asked if the dare program colected donations, they told her it was a scam, and that he was armed and dangerious. he had kidnaped and raped someone. they wanted her to give a report. the news got called. and then my maneger and aria coach tells her that they dont want her talking to the press. how messed up is that?!?! i say screw it, they can fire me. and luckly so did she, she talked to them, but didnt mention the companys name. so they cant do anything. but now im scared to go to work, that guy knew way to much. what if he follows me home? or catches me when im walking to my car? it makes me want to quit. am i being irrational?

Hey Bob,

I just found the best smilie ever.

- TW

Hey Bob,

Be sure to tell Dr Mobius to remind his smiley to wear sunscreen.

I read a book in the sun yesterday and, well, didn't. Oops!

RJ

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bob, i just submitted my amcas application.

*freaking out*

get used to this sentiment over the next few months.

Dear Bob,

I feel out-of-sorts. Icky, sad, restless. I want to know when this will go away. When will it stop hurting so much. When will I stop feeling violated and betrayed by the people who I thought loved me. Will I ever really believe that someone loves me for me? And that they will never choose to leave me?

I'm so sad. It hurts. Make it stop.

Bob,


man oh man do I want that job, boy I hope I get it. Cross your fingers.

it just occurred to me that my day has been so interesting and funny that I should enumerate it's amazing turns.

I woke up early, turned on cnn, remembered I'd seen last night about the nuke thing and groaned that I'd hear nothing else on NPR, so I reminded myself to take my nano so I could listen to something good.

I grabbed some leftover brown rice and started frying it in some coconut oil then scrambled in two eggs and a bit of cream cheese, salt, pepper, good breakfast.

Shower and shave and I realize I'm a little behind. I print out the directions to my first interview and directions from there to my second interview . I look at the directions and realize I'll have to take a few handy surface street bypasses because taking an all freeway route from Culver to Burbank this time of morning will not happen, especially not on THOSE freeways.

I head out and walk out of my apartment, I turn back around and head back in because I've forgotten my directions. while grabbing them I realized I should take the detailed info in the email for the first interview. I quickly log on and pull up the email. print it out and pull up my address book for the phone number of the guy for the second interview of the day, should I need it (get lost or delayed or something). I'm about to log out of my email when I notice a new mail from my brother.

This is odd, he doesn't usually send email out when he's at work.

I open it up and lo and behold there's been a school shooting at my little sister's middle school, my old jr. High school. Luckily Katie was not at school today as she was with my parents and older sister visiting colleges in Arkansas. Still extremely freaky. but now I'm leaving with fifty minutes to spare rather than the 70-80 I would have liked

I dash out the door and leave a message on my Dad's cell as I walk to my car. Drive out, and head onto my surface street route, he calls me back I get a bit more info on the shooting. Still rattled. A few minutes later chills run up and down my spine as I hear the words School Shooting Joplin Missouri on NPR in a brief 20 second blurb in between the north korean craziness.

So I take my surface streets and 20 minutes later I"m out past Hollywood Blvd intending to take the Cahuenga pass to the 134 East. I'm not paying real close attention and end up on the 101 north instead. That's okay as they run parallel.

Except for some bizarre reason the 101 north does not connect to the 134 east. It connects to the 134 west, in fact at that intersection if you're coming from any direction but the 101 north you can connect to any other direction. Except for the one I needed to take.

so I follow the 101 north get off at the next exit, turn around to get back on the freeway and take the 101 south successfully to the 134 east.

now I"m coming up on the 134 and the 5. Only here's another small miracle, the only way the 134 and the 5 DO NOT connect is the 134 East to the 5 north. Again, continue on the 134, make the turnaround at the second exit and get back on the 134 west to get on the 5 north.

I'm getting off at alameda east. Except there's only a sign for exit for alameda and the first turnout from the exit lane is a split second from the entry into the exit lane and is unmarked. I drive for a while and come to the second turnout which is helpfully marked alameda west. the exit lane merges onto the freeway after this. So I get off on the west going the wrong direction again, and this time hang a uuey at the next light. Then I have to make two right turns, I make the first and

Construction.

In fact the street I needed was less than half a block after the turn but they'd taken down the street sign for construction. So I drive for half a mile and get to another major street, another set of uturns and in a few minutes I end up at my first job interview. 10:59, as I walk up to it, it's 11:00. The interview goes okay but I didn't nail it. I didn't come into nail it because I hadn't prepped myself mentally being so stressed out about the damned freeway interchanges.

So I head out, carefully peruse the directions to my next interview (which is at 3:00) and start my way there.

The drive is thankfully uneventful. I pull off the freeway and spot a whole foods. thinking one of their deli sandwiches would make a terrific lunch I think I might head in there to grab a bite to eat and kill time perusing nice groceries I can't afford to buy.

My cell rings, It's my roomate, she's been given a pair of busted motorbikes and needs a means to transport them back ot her boyfriends house. She's actually not that far. a lot closer to where I am than where we live. So I tell her I'll head over and help her out considering I have more than 3 hours til my second interview.

We get the bikes loaded up by 3:30 I check out the set they're working on and meet the folks. and then I notice that loading the bikes has left some minor dirty smudges on the Gold shirt I was wearing (the Mizzou Tigers won on saturday, of course I"m wearing gold, that and uh, well it was the only nice thing left in the closet, need to do laundry). My roomate says she'll buy me lunch and a new shirt from a target and will drive me to my interview so we're not pressed for time. This was a good idea.

I say I thought I had seen a shopping mall over by my second interview (I drove by the location before rendeveauxing with my roomate so I knew where IT was). This was infact a faulty memory. I had seen a shopping center, several of them, on the route to roomates location. Neither of us really think of this and we head back to where I was when she called. We get there, drive around. no shopping center. Okay I say, pointing to the whole foods, lets grab lunch in their and ask a cashier where we can find a target.

We eat, it was good, turkey and fresh mozzerella with an olive tapenade on sourdough. and I didn't have to buy it, part of the perk of hauling things for friends. Then we get directions, vague directions typical of LA.

Meaning an intersection, meaning it's not on that intersection but it might be within a half mile of said intersection, somewhere. you can't miss it.

But, from this intersection we are about two blocks from the Sherman Oaks Galleria which is supposed to be a huge shopping center.

We park we get out we look at a shopping center map. four floors of movie theatre and semi fancy restaurants like PF changs. two women's clothing store and one shoe store. We get more precise directions to the target in this area and head out.

We get to target, I run out. and there's no mens section. Then I find the escalators and head up to the second floor. Ah, men's section, naturally they have placed it next to the DVDs and computer area. I grab two or three shirts and my roomie shows up having parked the car. she grabs another one or two, and then we find a perfect one on the bargain rack. Go to the fitting room to try it on.

the fitting room is closed. They're redoing the floor and no, you can't use the women's downstairs. I quickly try on the pair of shirts we liked best over my other shirt. We take the the bargain rack one cause it's nicer and head out. I change in the car we drive back to the location of my interview.

I step out of the passenger side onto the curb and then step into the curbside lawn and sink two inches into grassy mud from overwatering. luckily I'm wearing hiking boots that happen to be very nice everyday shoes as well and they nicely hide the mud on the dark brown and thick soles. I head into my interview about five-three minutes to spare.

here's the real miracle Bob.

The interview went as well as any I've ever had. in fact, it took fifty minutes between my going in there and my coming out. Only about five of which was spent on paperworks, oh and the receptionist/intern was cute too and flirted with me while I was filling out the paperwork. Every new thing they told me about the job made me want it more and made me realize more and more it was an absolutely perfect fit for me.

So as I said keep your fingers crossed--I really hope I get that job.

Bob,

Hey Bob,

I just found the best smilie ever.

- TW

That made my day.

- me

Dear Bob,

Darren and John got kicked out of school and it is all my fault. Darren asked me if I wanted to hang out Friday afternoon and I didn't want to deal with him because he'd been going down the toilet so I said no. So Darren decided that he was going to call John and they were going to Sears. Grocery shopping. His away message said so and I had the worst gut feeling in the world, but I didn't do anything. I didn't call, I thought I was being silly.

Well, they attempted to steal cough medicine to do against-the-rules s*** with and they were greeted by security guards on the way out. It's not as if they're the least sketchy looking pair. How stupid do you get? Anyway, so they got taken to the back room and Darren's stepdad had to come and pick them up. Then they had a hearing with the discipline committee and they were both "required to withdraw." I hate that phrase.

This is the story of me finding out:

Vivian and I spent the anxious night in the chorus room because it's in the same building as the hearing. We sat and talked about life and really big, important things. It was okay. John came down directly after hearing the verdict and he goes, "that's it, I'm gone. And Darren too." Darren didn't know at that point. I knew before Darren knew. John asked to talk to Vivian in the hall.

Backstory!

John had a big crush on me at the beginning of the year but he asked to kiss me and I just didn't want to so eventually he stopped liking me. He immediately moved on to liking my best friend. Vivian. Vivian liked him in return for the two days before he left.

Anyway, so John took Vivian out into the hall and kissed her goodbye and took her picture. And didn't do so much as wave at me. Like, in case I didn't already feel worthless for being the reason why they left, he didn't even find me worthy of a "bye."

Here is what Steve has to say about this: John just wanted to have someone to kiss goodbye and I wasn't going to do it. Probably he's right. Doesn't make me feel much better, somehow.

But anyway, they're both gone and it's all my fault.

I am really so far beyond grateful for all my friends, though. Everyone has been there and Vivian has listened some and Chris comes to the library every night to keep me company and Steve helps me out and even Maddie and just... I don't know, Bob, it's been good. It's been bad, but my friends, thank God for my friends.

Love.

Dear Bob,

Hans Reiser has been arrested on suspicion of murder. Just... wow, I don't know what much more to say. I just felt like saying this somewhere.

I didn't make this it's own thread, since only a few people on the board at most even know who this is. But still, it's a very surprising event in the tech field. At least you listen anyway, Bob.

-me

Dear you,

All I want is to comfort you, hold you when you're down. I'm falling in love with you, when will you fall in love with me?

Love,

Loo Loo

Dear Bob,

lying in bed reading The Hobbit is just as good as sleeping, right? i mean, for me, anyways. it's at least resting. it's ok. i'll sleep soon.

........



even I don't believe that bullshit.

this is one of those letters that i'm glad isn't actually being sent, cause as soon as i'm done typing it i know i won't be this angry anymore...


Dear You,

so, a plane crashed into an apartment building on 72nd and York today, and while i work across the park at 72nd and West End, i could still see the smoke and hear the sirens and they still panicked and blocked things off on the Upper West Side, and i'm watching the news, just sort of paralyzed on the couch at work, while Sara, the baby, is just sort of playing at my feet. and she's all smiles and baby gurgles and pressing buttons on toys that light up and spin around and play mechanical-sounding songs like "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and i can hardly breathe or move or do anything except sort of stare at the screen and think, "Oh my god, I hope Henry's ok." you are the only f****** thing i could think about all day. even though i KNEW you had no reason to be anywhere near that building. and i knew i was being crazy and paranoid and that you were fine, and i wanted to call you so badly, and i picked up the phone to call you a million times today and each and every time i put it down, because i thought, you know what? it's been over a week and not a word from him. not one. and i've tried. so he must not want to talk.

and rather than put you through the inconvenience of talking to me, i just hung up the phone.


and you know what? that's f****** up. that's BEYOND f****** up. i won't feel GUILTY for caring about you!

but i guess this is how it is now. i guess we go to a bar (very bad choice of venue, by the way, you might as well have gone all out and taken me to Rapture so i could look around and remember the night you cheated on me). so i guess we go to a bar, and get cornered by some old guy, who makes us feel awkward about ourselves and our situations, and then i just.... . NEVER HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN.


i can't live like this. so make up your mind. you need to figure out whether or not you want me in your life (at ALL, in ANY role) or else you need to come pick your s*** up off the side of the road before the garbage men come collect it in the morning.



i love you.

-Kelly

Dear Bob,

It's amazing just how much difference it makes when planning a trip goes from planning to concrete plans. Starting out with "We'll visit France and Spain and Switzerland" and "I want to get to Boston for a while" (which really means Massachusetts, only that has too many extra syllables), and adding sights and must see places and train timetables and admission fees. Taking "Arrive on this date, leave on this date" and add that to train timetables and plane tickets.

And then I have three different itineraries with the odd extra option and I have 24 hours to choose. And even THEN changing the one I did choose, and then changing it again, and then again.

The costs start mounting then. Cancellation Insurance. Booking Fees. Postage and booking fees for the rail pass. hostel prices in Euro and USD and NZD. Telling the travel agent I want to fly from SFO to BOS and they tell me some fares are $550 and some are over a thousand ... and then telling them, well, I want to look at this flight leaving at this time, transiting JFK ... and it's the cheapest of the lot. Forking out $651 to pay for one flight, and a deposit, and cancellation insurance, and knowing in ten days time I need to fork out another $2700. And that lets me fly all the way around the world.

It's suddenly become real, and it's just over two months out, and now the scaredness and the nervousness starts.

But, Bob, What A Thrill!

Bob, I think I've lost it. Which is odd, considering I didn't think I had it to begin with.

I had the Fruity Oaty Bar jingle stuck in my head all day yesterday, so it was hanging by a pretty thin thread. Then when I got to work, someone handed me a pair of blue rubber gloves to wear... and now I have two threads which when combined aproximately equal the length of the original.

Dear Bob,

I have a date tonight.....

What am I doing?

I have two women who are....rather enamoured with me...And that's all well and good....but....I'm going on a date with one tonight? What....what am I thinking?

"ev'ry so often we long to steal
to the land of what-might-have-been
but that doesn't soften the ache we feel
when reality sets back in

don't wish, don't start
wishing only wounds the heart"


i'm trying not to wish.