Philotic Web

Bob,

I spend every waking hour of my day trying to force myself not to cry. I would rather go back to bed, lie in the fetal position, and cry than go to work right now. I'll continue to feel that way until work gets so overwhelming that I don't have any time to, and then once I get things settled some, I'll go back to that same thought. I'm breaking.

It's too much.

Dear Bob,

I don't think I've ever dreaded the start of school more than I am right now. Not apprehension, but actual dread.

2nd semester of 1st year was just so bad. If I had to re-do the exact same first year, knowing how bad it would be, I wouldn't do it. And I've never wanted to be anything other than a veterinarian (unless you count a brief fling with "dolphin trainer" when I was six and had just been to Sea World.)


I just keep telling myself that nothing they do to me this year can possibly be as bad as last semester.



... though, there is now the added wrinkle of the Animal Rights Activist who lied her way into the first year class... so I bet that will be awesome. And by awesome, I mean "controversial and horrible."

Dear Bob , This is the worst harvest ever! Even though I finally admit I'm in a bad way, I still counted on driving my combine at least part of the time . I've only been on it 3 times and then only to check out some possible problems. It feels like everyone is following orders to keep me out of and off of everything . As long as I have a pulse and want to be invested in life I ,s*** I'm sic of being handeled!

Bob,

I would love to be one inch tall and forced to adapt to my regular sized bedroom; this is what I think about sometimes when I'm out walking. Seriously, how fun would it be to fashion a whole house out of my own stuff? A ring box could be a bed, my vases would be the world's most colorful but least functional skyscrapers.

I'm not sure if I can blame this on Honey, I Shrunk The Kids or just on the natural born crazy part of me.

Awesome...

Alea, that is the only way I can describe the above post.

Bob,

I would love to be one inch tall and forced to adapt to my regular sized bedroom; this is what I think about sometimes when I'm out walking. Seriously, how fun would it be to fashion a whole house out of my own stuff? A ring box could be a bed, my vases would be the world's most colorful but least functional skyscrapers.

I'm not sure if I can blame this on Honey, I Shrunk The Kids or just on the natural born crazy part of me.

I have the same thoughts! My imaginary friend when I was a kid was super-tiny and could live behind my ear when needed. I love to imagine being tiny. Or the inverse is true - looking at weeds and imagining they're trees and I'm huge.

I've never tried imagining I'm a giant and I'm not sure why.

*gets rolled newspaper ready for Josh just in case he wanders in and tries to make a joke*

I've never tried imagining I'm a giant and I'm not sure why.

*gets rolled newspaper ready for Josh just in case he wanders in and tries to make a joke*

so tempted to just edit this into your post. but I won't :-p



one of the shirts I didn't see until later, though I told Alea about many such shirts whilst she was on her deathwalk tuesday.

I almost want to buy one just so I can wear it to the Josh-Alea showdown.

Team Alea!

Dear Bob,

Second day at work. And my intern past is coming to haunt me.

f***.

s***.

DAMN.

My supervisors are supposed to CATCH mistakes like that! ARGH!!

I am such an idiot. And I'm caught in such an ugly bind. Oh my gosh. Oh my GOSH.

The morning is wiser than the evening. Let's hope.

Hey Bob. Just wanted to let you know that I am still alive. I know, I'm surprised, too. Hopefully, I can stay that way.

*hugs and <3* Are you back in CO? And are you a temporary single mother again?

Yep, I've been home for a week and a half. Luckily, Brian came home on Saturday, so he's been home for almost a week. That's really the only reason I'm still alive. Maybe I'm too needy, but I sure am not cut out for single motherhood. I'm barely cut out for motherhood in general.

On that note...Jan, how are you holding up?

I almost want to buy one just so I can wear it to the Josh-Alea showdown.

It won't help. I win by default.

You lose for showing a shirt on which "wookiee" is misspelled. It's not wookies to look like cookies, it's wookiees to look like...wookiees.


But that makes me want to make gingerbread wookiee cookies. Mmm, wookiee cookies.

On that note...Jan, how are you holding up?

Better now. My parents came to visit for the weekend and, horrible toy aside, I love having them here. Before that, I watched alot of my DVDs andread all of Harry Potter once Ginny was down for the night (which is around 7pm).

At one point in the last week, I was so tired of dealing with 100% of kid, I was lying there on the couch, practically asleep, letting her play on the floor and she came up and whacked me in the face a wooden toy. That was a low moment.

It was nice having my parents here so I could shower alone, too.

*double post*

Paul gets home tomorrow! TOMORROW!! Finally. This has been the longest two weeks ever.

Bob,

First day of school. It feels so good to be a sophmore, meaning, not a freshman. I never realised that I didn't like being a freshman until I wasn't one.

....

Thinking back now, that might be a bad year plus three months of relaxation speaking.

-um... ^Peter (man, I haven't been on in a while)

Bob,

Lately, many things haven't been turning out the way I expected. For example, this summer I expected a certain someone to act a certain way, and they didn't, which really complicated things, but I've dealt with that. In recent days, I also expected someone's job schedule to be up, but it isn't, not yet, and I'm not sure what that means.

But the biggest thing that didn't turn out as I'd expected?

I'd been expecting them, well, to show some consideration. I don't really know why, because I've put up with their entirely inconsiderate attitude for years now, and never really expected them to be considerate after that first big disappointment. Maybe it's because over the summer I discovered a change that may have meant they were trying to take things into account. Well, I was wrong about that. They don't do that, no more than the law requires them to, anyway. I was expecting to have an easy fall- maybe even an easy year- but they persisted in showing no consideration whatsoever despite having made quite a promising start.

And the first thing I said when I found out that things weren't going to be all quiet on that front?

"Oh, thank God." That's what I said.

I would never have said that, of course, if I were talking to anyone else. But when I'm talking to myself, I tend to blurt things out before I even realize I'd been thinking them. That's what you get.

So now it's all up to me, and I'm not ready. Not ready at all. It's far too much, far too soon and I don't have enough trust in myself. I don't even know if I can find enough willpower- or, conversely, distraction- to say I'll try my best.

We'll see how it goes.

Bob,

I have a new friend and it terrifies me. She is just a little more than half my age. She has had a terrible life. She needs so much, in every way, and I don't know if I have enough to give. Well, I know I *could* fall all the way into this friendship but I don't think I'm ready to do that. Part of me is holding back and I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not.

Bob,

I'm sitting here talking to my mom, telling her the situation with me moving to Cambridge so getting to Laurier is less of a challenge, and I'm lying to her. Outright lying to her. My step mom has a boyfriend, whom she is inviting to move in with her, and we are moving in to his apartment. But, to my Mom, it's some random friend who's moving out.

Why? Because I know how she'll respond if I tell her the truth. Not only does she hate Shayla for obvious reasons (deserved or not), but she'll totally use it to beat herself up. Just like how she did when I told her about Shayla's first boyfriend. She'll respond with some comment like "must be nice" or "wow, moving fast eh?" or something else like that.

And that's why I can't be who I am. That's why I don't know who I am. Because that is who my Mom is. Because she judges everyone, everything. Because even if it's not negative towards someone else, it's negative towards herself.

That's why I don't know who I am. Because my entire life I'm just trying to not be what she judges. That's why I can't talk to women, because she'd judge me, and those like her would judge me, and thus I judge me. I'm a pig.

That's me. That's who I am, Bob.

--Cam

Bob,

I'm feeling down- the largest down I've had since I can remember myself, that wasn't related to anything. I don't know the reason, and it's killing me from the inside- this has to stop.

I must have fun in the next couple of days. Must. Because slowly and soundly I stop thinking about what will happen to others, and start thinking about what will I do, without the consequences.

I hope you have a good time.

~Blue BdM

I have internet at my apartment now! *does a happy fun time dance of excitement*

Now to see if I can get ESPN 360 to work and my plotting will be completely successful.

ETA: ESPN 360 works! that means that instead of subscribing to cable/satellite for 40-50/month in order to watch college football this fall (and a few tv shows) I instead found an internet provider which allows espn360 and can see almost all the games I want to see anyway. and with all the shows being online now, for the most part, there's not much reason to have tv. so getting internet also gets me tv, essentially, all for only $20/month! (which is a lot better than internet through cable of an additional 35/month on top of the 50/month they charge for tv!)

Dear Bob,

Sweden calls, toddles!

Dear Bob,

So, my one year anniversary is coming up (September 24, officially. Though, if you count our first date it's earlier than that... anyway, September 24 is what we decided.) and I have NO IDEA what to do.

First, I don't even know for sure if we're exchanging presents. I assume that's what he meant by "do our anniversary" the weekend after (we only see each other on weekends. He lives/works an hour and a half away.. and I live/school here.) But... I have no idea what to get him! I can't do baked goods (did that for Valentine's Day)... I don't really want to do a DVD (did that for Christmas/birthday... and finished the series I was giving him anyway.) Past that, he either has what he wants already or it's out of my price range (I'm living on student loans here, Bob. And while I budgeted it out to have about $700 left at the end of hte semester, and about $70 for anniversary, I don't want to go over the anniversary budget. ARGH!)

Any ideas, Bob?

Bob,

I'm really disappointed in reverse image searching. It has failed me. I am seriously considering spending my afternoons touring the city by foot, looking for a street that like that.

That could take forever.

I never knew there was any point in pressing "show more results", but now I can see the benefits. Well, I would be seeing more benefits if reverse image searching was useful at all. But whatever.

Any ideas, Bob?

the first two are really an either or. The book works for me, and I want the DVD.

bob,

party yesterday was good times all around we played beanbags, which is liked Washers and which they called Cornhole (so wrong), horseshoes, Rockband, football, beer pong and ate burgers, brats, dogs and all sorts of junk food from 2:30 in the afternoon til eleven at night. There were a lot of girls there, I talked to all of them. One of them went to school at my brother's alma mater and I enjoyed talking to her, I think she was more into another guy, and I got sort of the feeling she was annoyed we talked a lot about her hometown. She's also more wild, I think, than what I usually go for, but maybe that's a good thing. In any event, I didn't ask for her number because I didn't have that surge of confidence that one gets from a strong connection. And then she friended me on facebook, hmm. probably nothing, but going by the strength of her hug when they left perhaps there was more there than I realized, or perhaps not. We'll see. If she's there for Beatles rock Band party tomorrow maybe then I'll get her number, depends again on how things feel. :-p OTOH when she referred to that she'd never played beanbags (cornhole) but had played 'washers' she said "worshers" and didn't even realize she'd said it (she asked, "well how are you supposed to say it"--for some odd reason that was the more endearing thing about her all day yesterday, lol, missouri accent.

the thing that surprised me about from her facebook though was that she actually likes the same music as me, which is a nice change. the other, slightly ironic and hilarious thing was that we had two mutual friends on Facebook, one was the connection that brought her to the party, the other? Naturally, it would be the girl I had a bigger crush on than any other person in my life, lol.

Bob,

My eyes are feeling burn-y today. The feeling makes me want to cry. Either that or I'm depressed and just feel like crying. It's hard to tell which is the causative factor. I think I'm losing touch with my emotions because I rarely talk about them to anyone.

Dear Bob,

Now that internship is over, I find myself in the position of going, "Oh, holy f****** s***, I'm actually a therapist."

It's like this weird sort of professional vertigo. My stomach just kind of drops and everything tilts and spins for a second in a way that's both fun and sickening.

Apparently, having the student identity has been buffering me for the past several years.

God help me when I actually have to call myself a psychologist instead of ABD.

Dear Diary,

It is one of those days where you regret every single major decision you have made over at least the last 5 years. Time to go paint my nails and watch Melrose Place.

M

Bob,

My stomach is fluttering. Yesterday I went to my school and got myself squared off and ready to start, today I got my savings money deposited and paid for my tuition. Tuesday of next week I have my first class.

I want this so badly, I want to make it through. I'm scared I'm not capable of it. I'm scared I can't do it and work simultaneously and I will choose work because I need money to live. I'm scared I'll f*** this up.

But I know I can do it, I just need to make the right choices.

All about those choices...

Don't quite regret it yet.

Dear Bob,

Yesterday was 9/11. Three of the girls in my school lost their father in the plane that crashed in Pennsylvania. I pray for them, the people that died, the people who survived, and all the families.