Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[Jeesh_girl15]

I am sooooo, so, so, so, so, so, so, sorry. I am praying for you.

[human.]

Bob...

I still have five more colleges to apply to... I don't want to do it... But I already paid for one... and the other four are on CommonApp... But man, why can't I just quit and go to NC State and be happy?

[locke]

Confessions,

though I don't know who you are, I think you're doing the right thing, though doing the homemade thing is scary to even hear about, it's good that you're going through getting a professional to take care of things.

*hugs*

if you need someone to talk to, you're always welcome to PM many of the people here, few of us are judgemental and most of us are empathetic and understanding. My aim is on the button link in this post if you feel like you just need a friend to listen to you, I won't even respond other than to listen if all you need to do is say something to someone, if that is what you want.

Adam

[buckshot]

Bob, Lexie the best dog in the world can't move her back legs this morning ! She has an apointment at our vet in a hour and a half, a pretty damn long hour and a half! If anything bad happens to my Lex , I'm gonna open up a can.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I'm sick. Like, in the head sick. I woke up this morning with hunger pangs, bad enough I didn't dare try to leave bed till they subsided somewhat. That was 2 hours ago, and I've still not eaten. Why?

I'm not trying to lose weight - not only do I know quite well that this method isn't very effective for that, but I don't need to, and really don't care that much. My weight's remained relatively constant since I got worse with this.

I'm just...uninterested in food. As I type this, my stomach grumbles and begs me to feed it, and I will, sometime after I'm finished putting it off any way I know how. And when I do, as always, I'll be unimpressed by my food, forcing it down my own throat because I know my body needs it. I've not felt anxiety or desire for food in a while. Sure, I like pizza and burgers just as I like pasta and ribs just as I like steak and pork chops. I just...meh. That's how I feel about it. I can't justify investing much time into cooking for just myself, especially when my food desires are as such, and between the meals I know how to cook and my fast food options, I'm bored.

My one friend always makes fun of me, says I'm like a camel, because I don't eat. Now, the extra information to that is that often when I go over there, because it's a long drive, I'll eat on the way - then, I'll get there, and he'll say he's hungry and wants to go out somewhere, obviously I don't need food then. But, I have definitely lied to him about being hungry. It's easier than making people feel bad when I say "Yes I'm hungry, what are you offering? Oh, yeah, I'm fine, I'm really not interested in that." Not to mention the ensuing "well what do you want?" because the truth is that I don't know. I just know what I want is better than canned soup or tasteless chicken.

I got a bright idea while I was writing - I can make grilled cheese! All this focus on meals and I forgot a great old standby I've not had in a while. That'll settle my stomach, at least for the time being.

...or it would have, if my brother didn't throw out the cheese I bought...

[BonitoDeMadrid]

Bob,

Dammit. Dammit all to hell.

Are they idiots? How can they do this to me? This is the most unfair thing I've seen; at least let me prove myself and then decide my fate, for god's sake. Don't throw me away because of 1 test, which didn't have much to do with the subject, and an Internet questionnaire.

I wish that mail was sent as a mistake. I hope with all my heart that it was a cruel mistake. Otherwise, neither of the sides in this story is going to be happy for the next couple of years.

~Angry, Angry BdM

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I am having an Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day sort of a day.

I am not expecting improvements tomorrow. But we'll see.

The morning is wiser than the evening, correct?

[Eaquae Legit]

Did the next day go any better, Kirsten? I've had a string of those recently, and I wish I could hear about someone else's going better...

****

Dear World,

I'm angry, so screw you. I'm gonna go read more of Wendy's dissertation, make a kick-ass red thai curry with jasmine rice, and write a cover letter to the uni for an admin job.

Bugger off.

[locke]

Bob

while what I just wrote wasn't as good as the self-loathing thing I wrote a few months ago, I think it is still pretty good and its for someone else, and will make a great christmas present.

[perspicacious.emperor]

@Bob:
I feel bad for feeling good about what I've done. Is that strange? And now I feel bad again because as much as I love it, I don't kow how to continue. I wish that damned girl would come online so we can break down this wall. I need writer's lube fast.

P.S. Haven't done any homework. Don't even remember what homework was. Ahahahahahahahahahahaha~ *foams at mouth*

[Confessions]

Bob,

I'm so not feeling Christmassey... It's Christmas Day, I just opened presents, and I already kinda wish it was a normal day so I could go home and be alone. Not really, because everything's broken, but at least there I don't have to hide. I could drive home and enjoy my broken stereo (just happened 2 days ago, it now only works so long as I don't touch it and don't need a screen...). I could get home and play my broken xbox (red ring of death #2, yay!).

I shouldn't be complaining too much, I'm heading over to have Christmas dinner with the family later tonight, so that should be fun. I can tell everybody how I'm now out of work, have been for 3 months, and don't really have any prospects for fixing that. Oh yeah, and my ex girlfriend wants to see me this weekend, give me a card or something.

Are you noticing a trend here? 'Cause I am.

Usually I'm excited for the gift giving, I always like getting something unique and surprising someone, or being surprised. But that's not for this year either. Nope, just another day...

Just another day.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I'm tired of feeling like a freak. Physically, emotionally, mentally...why can't I ever feel like I'm not the most absurd, unbalanced person in the room?

[Confessions]

Dear Bob,

My mom is an indirect poison to my self esteem. I don't question why I expect what I do of the people around me, I just need to look at her.

I'll tell you a story. Around here, there's been a big push towards the reusable shopping bags since the government mandated a charge for the pollution-monster bags. As such, every retail store and their brother has been selling to/giving out to/trying to brand everyone possible. My mom and I were talking, I don't remember how the topic came up, but I mentioned how I liked the bags from the liquor store the best (larger than most, reinforced handles - am I domesticated or what?). I continued to say that a bunch of them ended up at my apartment and I've been using them and I like them. What's the response? In her condescending tone "oh, someone's been doing a lot of shopping at the liquor store eh?" Because I felt I needed to defend myself, I continued to explain that they were not mine, and eventually that they came from my step-mom. Of course, that didn't change my mom's tone.

I know that isn't how everyone is. I know many normal people who can sit through an episode of Boston Legal, 30 Rock, or Law and Order without having to make a comment of disgust or disapproval (recent evening, all 3 offended her somehow). I know not everyone judges every thing, every one, that doesn't conform to their personal standards to the harsh degree she does. I know lots of people enjoy the same disgusting, deplorable, sinful things that I do. I know there's probably someone out there who will love me for them. I'm not that bad!

But it just seems easier to find someone who'll love me in spite of them. And the best way to do that is to hide them, bring it up later, after your metaphorical claws have sunk in.

I don't even need someone to love me. I just want someone to like me. Someone to keep me company sometimes. My mom wouldn't hang out with the real me. She loves me in spite of that, but she wouldn't hang out with the real me. And I relate that to the rest of the world.

--Me.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Although there are details and conditions I could recount for you, that I've recounted for myself, that might change/weaken the significance, I'm going to do the reckless thing -mostly, though not entirely, ignore them- and focus on this: he's been there for two sets of the Big Two now. Here, let me shorten this for you. He's been there.
Yes, yes, probable desire to be elsewhere plus lack of enthusiasm/recognition of said days as anything special are among the details and conditions, I'm not entirely daft.

Happy new year, Bob. It's nice to start over every so often, wouldn't you say?

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

Ah, welcome, 2010. I did the big city club expensive thing last year, I thought this year, being in a new place, I'd try the local bar thing. One of my friends, bless him, decided to join. We went to 5 different indoor venues, looking for anywhere with a) more than 15 people, b) a crowd remotely close to our age, and c) an inexpensive cover; before getting to the city center of a nearby city for the countdown. The place that did have a cover, was $35, and was the club in this city...and wasn't half full. I rang in the new year with city-funded "fireworks" that didn't fire properly. Yaaaaaay.

And tonight I think I'm going to go out and try it all again. And you know what? I'm going to do it Saturday night, too.

I just can't take it. I have now been in this apartment for 3 months and I still don't exist here. I'm trying, really f****** hard, to get out and experience this place...and it's just not working. Up until now I've been blaming my almost weekly trips back home, of course I won't meet as many people during the week as I would on a weekend. Hey...maybe I should try going out locally on a special occasion... I don't even know what the point is any more, I really don't. I don't know why I continue trying. I told my brother that I intended to try going out again, and he flat out asked me why I keep trying for this, why I keep making myself miserable. I don't want to accept that I'm a failure. I don't want to be okay with spending my days shifting between my couch and my computer chair. I don't want to be okay with running away to a different city to the few friends I keep a death grip on, just to have somebody.

I'm not okay with that life anymore.

And I'm trying so hard to fix it.

She tripped this in me. I don't even remember how many years ago it was, 4? I had built my social life around the internet, it was the only place I knew. I had friends all over the world, including some people here. I spent years floating around, engorging myself on the piles of information all while satisfying my need for socialization in chat rooms and on MSN/AIM/ICQ/Yahoo/Whatever. I had em all. When we were together I started to recognize how hollow my life was, I wanted to spend time with real people. I, well, let's be honest, wasn't allowed to. I realize now that accepting that was stupid and was my fault, and that I was not able to build a couple of friendships I really wanted, with people who are no longer in my life. When we broke up, I had nothing. I had an old friend from high school who always worshiped me, so I ran to him and expelled my social energy that way. That never really worked, he was a poison to relationships and, truth be told, I was embarrassed to be associated with him. I tried another old friend, rekindled that for a little while, didn't work, moved on. I spent probably the first 2 years after we broke up cycling through all my old high school friends before I gave up on that as an avenue of building a social life.

I've spent the last 4 years trying to learn how to socialize like a normal human being. I moved to Ohio for that very reason. I've literally wrapped my life into "I need to improve this area of my life." It's not working. "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result," as my former boss would say. So I tried something else. EVERYTHING I've tried has lead me down this path. I get lead to that same location. I tried going out alone, with different people, different 'types' of people. I tried different locations, different cities, different days of the week.

If I were a man who put any faith in the notion of signs, I'd say that's a fairly strong one. That's kinda the scary part though, if this is what I'm destined for, then I'm really not sure why I keep trying.

I focus on my little victories, the cute girl I chatted with at wal-mart, meeting another 85 yr old tenant in the building... I have to. It's the only way to continue, or to work towards improvement.

But, Bob, I'm running out of steam here. Staying in my apartment all day unshowered and wearing track pants is becoming a real chore to avoid. And yet, it's driving me bat-s*** insane. Something's gotta give, somewhere.

We both already know that I'm a large ball of compressed emotion just waiting to release. We both know that it's probably not healthy that most anything can cause me to tear up. I just don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't know how it's going to release, and I don't know how to direct it when it does, and that scares me.

I've been looking at mental health options, it's equally frustrating. It doesn't apply. I'm not depressed. I'm not anxious. I'm not... It's not that I'm sick. I'm a 23 year old man with utterly no clue how to make friends. Where's the class on that? Where's the support group? I know I'm not the only person on the planet like this, but I also know the one other person I found is far worse than I. And thats just not helpful to me. (As in, if I wanted to go to the bar and stand there at the end of it staring at what's going on around me I'd do it by myself, that's one negative thing I'm okay with being identified as)

I just want somebody to let me hang around them... Is that as sad and pathetic as it sounds to me? I would kill for a local cool guy friend I could hang around and imitate. Okay, it got sadder. Whatever. I guess that's me, Bob

I guess that's me.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I felt it appropriate to follow up slightly on my last post. Tonight marks the third night in a row I've cleaned myself up to go out without actually doing so.

I tried to go out last night, and tonight for that matter. Last night I wasn't sure how it'd be, being New Year's Day and all, but I had a couple places in mind I wanted to try. Drive past one, closed. The other, closed. Of course, I did eventually drive past one that looked open, but at that point...I just felt silly walking in there alone. I guess I'd lost my motivation.

Tonight, I figured "Hey, it's UFC night, the place that looked open last night shows the fight, it's not too awkward to go watch that at a bar alone!" Start the car, it's under 10F outside, so I let it warm up. As I'm watching the ever-still thermometer needle waiting for it to rise I'm blinded by a bright amber light in the shape of an engine. Wonderful. I decide that the car has been running pretty crappy lately, is definitely running worse tonight, and it's probably best not to drive on it.

Someone say anything about signs?

After getting to do some research I find out not only that it's a common issue on my car, but there's already a relatively simple dealer fix for it. I'd do it myself, but I have no tools, work space, or desire to pull apart my intake manifold. Frustrating, because it's the result of an escalating issue the car has had since I bought it, I'd just been ignoring it. More frustrating because even when the service bulletin was issued, had I known about it then, I likely couldn't have gotten the car fixed anyways, because I would've already been out of warranty. Balls.

At least there's a fix, and I'm in Cambridge so hopefully hourly rates are low...

[zeroguy]

I'm distracted by at least 2 other things right now, but if I don't do this I'll forget, so eh.

But telling them things is the scariest thing to me because I don't feel like I trust them enough to tell them personal things, yet I feel like I'm obligated to, even without trust in our relationship. So.. yeah, I don't know!

I think I know what you mean. For me, it feels like a societal pressure to have a certain relationship with one's parents or close family. You're supposed to converse with them to let them know how things are going and come to them for advice or just to tell about troubles. You're supposed to want to see them on holidays if you live far away or go to college. That's just not how I roll, but I get by. Acting otherwise would mark you as cold or ungrateful or something. Or maybe that's just my paranoia on other people's opinions.

But anyway...

But point is, I like their generosity in paying for my college, so I might have to go to a school I want to go to less than my first choice.

Your parents probably just want you to be happy (I don't know them, but... generally, not-bad parents do). If you just try to say you want to go to college X over college Y and say you can't really say why / don't really know why, they might surprise you and be okay.

My own similar experiences that are probably not helpful, but this is similar to them so I have the annoying urge to say it:

When I was applying to universities (a process I consider to be one of the worst, most stressful times in my entire life to date, I might add), the kinda understood top three choices were a cheaper in-state school (but still considered 'good'), an expensive prestigious out-of-state school, and another out-of-state school that was further away than either (and between the previous two cost-wise, and also considered good for at least CS). For awhile I was really really leaning towards #2 (almost went early decision), though I got understandable parental pressure towards #1.

After some visits, discussion, etc etc, for some reason I started liking #3 more. I still don't really know why. Maybe because it was far away; maybe I just like the midwest / Illinois. My other theory is that it is because it is the same place someone I respect went to a long time ago.... whatever the reason is, it wasn't even really thought out that much. I just thought I wanted to go there.

In a conversation with my parents, I expressed this, and although she may have tried not to show it, my mom really really did not like it, and kept asking why. Well, I didn't really know, but my parents were supportive anyway, and I ended up going there. While I don't know what things would have been like at the other universities, I had a good time at where I went, and I believe I made the right choice.

At this point I don't remember if I had any specific point where I was going with this, so.... yeah, uh, there it is.

[Jeesh_girl15]

Dear Bob,

I'm ambitious, and I think I have real potential. I like to think that I'm talented and smart, but I'm not sure how to show everyone. People have said that I have great people and leadership skills, but I think of real leaders, and I think, "How in the world could I get like that?" I want to do something with my life after school. Of course, some people say I have enough time to decide what I want to do (I'm only 15 after all), but when I think of how fast the last few years have past, I can't help but assume that college will be gone just like that. I know what I want to do when I grow up (I know it makes me sound like some little kid who wants to be a firefighter or an astronaut), but I have no idea how I can get where I want to from where I am. Other people say to just stay in school and get good grades. I know it's just like that, but I'm anxious to do something till then.

-Me, the impatient student

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I had this long, carefully constructed post all written out before I went to my appointment and left it sitting in WordPad for when I got back. When I did come back, I felt like my head was a helium-filled balloon and unattached to my body. It was a really hard appointment. Before when I got nervous, I'd start smiling or pick at my clothes or avoid her gaze. Today I forced myself to go through the list I wrote beforehand, stuttered a lot, felt my throat tighten, cried a little. I felt better for having said it but it took a lot from me to do it. Soccer practice wasn't so easy to focus on later. I suppose that partly had to do with my pants falling when I tried to run. Oops.

Anyway, here's what I came in to say now: tomorrow is going to be hard, too. I have to wake up a little earlier, ride my bike in, new hours, new coworker, possible part two of scary man from Saturday, ride home. Change, even small change, has never been easy for me when it wasn't my choice. The thing is, it's hardly ever my choice. At least I'll be able to start listening to my MP3 player when I shelve. That should be a fun change of pace.

I can do this.

[Eddie Pinz]

Bob,

Looks like my plans of moving out have been pushed back to at least February (possibly March). Drats.

[Petra456]

Bob,

I can not explain how bad I want one of these.

[Young Val]

Oh my god, Fred, I have an artisan one (I'd kill for the professional model--not that there's room for it in my cozy kitchen) and I LOVE IT. I've used it four times in the past two days alone. On average I use it once a day--minimum.

[Rei]

My mum has promised us a KitchenAid mixer as a wedding gift when we settle into one place for a serious length of time. I live for the day when I have one of them again.

[Petra456]

*is so completely jealous of Kelly and her amazing mixer*

The mixer is all I can think about! I'm trying to figure out a way to spread my tax money between finishing my dental work and purchasing that mixer. Sometimes when I let myself get carried away, I actually convince myself to hold of on dental work and just buy the mixer : (

I really want to be bad and just do it!

[megxers]

Dear Diary,

First off, now I really want a blender. I have an unplugged toaster, yet no blender. Also, I am so incredibly mad at him. I think of what he said/is doing and I seethe with frustration. It has taken me 7 years to finally lose respect for him and not like him. It feels kind of good, and I am channeling my anger into productivity. He is just too much disappointment. I can't believe he tells me he can't come visit me (2 hoursish driving + 2 hour flight) and then drives 3 hours round trip THAT evening to GO PARTYING after saying he had been traveling too much/needs to study for career related tests. Liar, various other lovely words, etc. I jokingly told him last time I saw him I was replacing him as a best friend for one of his nicer female friends and he was like yeah right, and well, you know what? Maybe I should have.

[locke]

I've wanted a mixer for ages, but wouldn't use it much because to me making cookies feels better holding the bowl in the crook of my arm and beating the hell out of the butter and sugar with a wooden spoon.

[Eaquae Legit]

I think I'm going to make cookies today. And muffins. Yay!

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I just got a job interview. It took me some doing to figure out what position I had applied for there and I find out I had applied to, and was being interviewed for, an IT position.

Normal people's minds have celebratory flashing lights and sirens about now.

However, it took some doing to get that far, but in the process of figuring out which job I was interviewing for, I got concerned. My resume was so not suited whatsoever to the job, there's barely anything IT on it, it just doesn't quite seem right. I figured out what job it was by doing a reverse phone lookup from the call id (because everyone there mumbled the company name), and when I do that I find out that the phone book has a different company name listed than what's there now, but the company's are similar in purpose. It's the first time I've ever gotten a voice mail specifically stating a day and time for the interview before even speaking to me, as well.

What am I leading to, besides the ramblings of a conspiracy theorist? Water purification was one of the MLM gigs I interviewed for and almost got suckered in to years ago. I'm concerned it's one of those mass first interviews. I leave if that's what it is, because I applied to a posting for 1 vacancy as an it support specialist, if there are even enough people being interviewed as what'd be in one of those group interviews it's not worth my time.

Perhaps, though, I just refuse to accept good things happening to me...

[jotabe]

However, it took some doing to get that far, but in the process of figuring out which job I was interviewing for, I got concerned. My resume was so not suited whatsoever to the job, there's barely anything IT on it, it just doesn't quite seem right. I figured out what job it was by doing a reverse phone lookup from the call id (because everyone there mumbled the company name), and when I do that I find out that the phone book has a different company name listed than what's there now, but the company's are similar in purpose. It's the first time I've ever gotten a voice mail specifically stating a day and time for the interview before even speaking to me, as well.

for what's worth, a friend of mine recently went to a job interview where details were weird like that: giving her a time for the interview before taking any relevant data from her, phone numbers not matching the company etc. Eventually, the company was legit. We believe it's because now companies outsource the interviewing process too, so things get messier, trying to make them more time efficient.
And, being completely serious have a bit more of confidence in your skills, man.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

My supervisors are far, far nicer to me than I deserve.

I will use January to catch up on everything. Reports, paperwork, everything. And then I will make it my goal to KEEP up. And I will not put myself in this position, professionally again.

And I will get back on my ADHD meds. Possibly I will try a stimulant this time. Going off of the Strattera was in all likelihood the stupidest thing I could have ever done. Do I really need three trains of thought and two songs running through my head at all times? Probably not. I mean, it wasn't perfect, it wasn't making everything better, it can't erase bad habits -- but you can pretty much trace my decline in productivity to my tapering off. Holy crap. Plus, you know, it's embarrassing to be losing things and to be blanking out during conversations. Particularly when your job is listening to people (although, I'm good at covering it. Still.) Not that these things never happened on the med, but with far less frequency.

So. Yeah.

They are so much nicer to me than I deserve, but my billables will tell a different story. And with budget cuts, that matters even if this is my first year. I will be better, I will get more referrals, and I will feel far better about life in general. I will be able to sleep at night without dreaming about work and having my fiance tell me I was whimpering in my sleep.

So. On to work.

[daPyr0x]

for what's worth, a friend of mine recently went to a job interview where details were weird like that: giving her a time for the interview before taking any relevant data from her, phone numbers not matching the company etc. Eventually, the company was legit. We believe it's because now companies outsource the interviewing process too, so things get messier, trying to make them more time efficient.
And, being completely serious have a bit more of confidence in your skills, man.

I appreciate that, my concern is based not on my abilities, but rather how poorly they are presented on my resume, or at least, on the resume I sent them. I know I can do the job I applied for, I'm just surprised that they think I can based on my resume. Add to that the fact I've been through numerous scam job interviews since getting back on the job-searching horse, I keep my guard up. I found the background info I needed, though. The name changed happened just under a year ago, new branding as requested by parent company.

And for what it's worth, the number did go to, and was listed by, the company I am interviewing with, it's not outsourced hiring or anything. It's a company who, more recently than 411 updated their records, changed their name. And I've seen that before, sadly. Thankfully, my incessant googling has pulled nothing negative about the company, so I'm going in assuming it's all legit. Gonna knock em dead.

[Mich]

Dear Bob of P-Web fame, prepare for the most dramalicious (it is too a word, Firefox) post I will ever make about something so retarded:

First of all, in a few word, here is my biggest fear that I can think of, besides the usuals of "being alone forever" or "being in eternal physical and mental pain": being falsely accused. I constantly cringe at the sight of police officers, out of fear that they will think I'm doing something absurdly illegal, and then will go through all of the hoops involved with legal matters, lose money, time, friendships, because of something I didn't do. If I hear someone shout in anger, I automatically assume it's about something that I did without knowing about it or something they think I did that I didn't and I'm about to get in trouble or be yelled at or something.

This goes along with one of my biggest pet-peeves/compulsions/obsessions: rules. I don't love rules. I don't enjoy them. But I follow them as often as I can, whenever I can, with few exceptions. Unless it's something that I disagree with on a personal, religious, or other deep level, I will be following it, assuming that I know about it. Social, written or unwritten, official or house, I freak out if I find out that I've been following the wrong rules, and it makes it very impossible for me to play poker with five other people that normally play with other groups, because they all have different rules and I don't like having to get them all straightened out before we play.

Now, I understand that I have a lot of fears and pet-peeves, and it's not like I present people with a big list of them when I meet them, they slowly come out of the woodwork. It's my fault if someone doesn't know about it, so it's my responsibility to deal with how I feel about it. Otherwise I would have no friends because they all do something I can't stand and I would be the worst roommate in the world. But if someone does something I can't deal with, I try to politely inform them about it, then carefully observe them if they continue to do whatever it is, and if it appears they are doing it on purpose and not have just forgotten, then I freak out.

This is all an introduction to StarCraft: the Board Game. I said it was about something retarded, didn't I?

My friend, who is on leave before transferring to the Naval base on Okinawa, decided to purchase this $90 board game when we visited a Hastings earlier in the week. We played it that day with three other people (six maximum, two to a race) and discovered it is one of the most complicated board games we've ever played. Ever. He pretended to hate it, or actually did hate it, or just enjoys complaining about it being supposedly the worst game in the world. However, I know for a fact that he was enjoying himself once we all got the many, many rules straightened out, just before we realized someone had won.

That brings us to tonight. My last night before returning to LentilLand, a week before my friend transfers, we had a nerdy party where we played old video games, ate pizza, traded files, culminating in deciding to play the board game again. Since this was a new batch of people, we had to teach the newcomers the rules. Because my friend has a horrible speech impediment and I have kind of a type-A personality in situations like this, I took over the game, telling people what they could do, etc. It doesn't help that I normally play the role of the dungeon master when we play RPGs, so I fell into the rule master role easily.

Somehow I got called a Space Jew. It happened sometime in the first round (rounds take about twenty minutes), when I was explaining what my friend's dad could do with his worker units. Call me a whiner, but explaining how to play to four other people over and over again, trying to keep the game moving so no one gets bored, talking loudly so they can hear you over the other people who aren't listening (and will require it to be retold to them when it became their turn) meant that I would accidentally forget to inform someone about some option they could take, or assume I had told them something because I had told it to someone else, you know. The usual chaos involved with five college-age kids and one tired dad.

Space Jew stuck, and they kept calling me it whenever they thought I was "cheating" them at the rules. Trust me, I love the fact that "Jew" is apparently an insult as much as the next person. Anyway, I got upset. This tied in with both my huge rule-abiding pet-peeve and my biggest fear of being falsely accused: I was trying to follow the rules as much as I could, trying to help everyone out, not doing anything to give myself an advantage despite knowing all of the rules when others didn't, and they were still falsely accusing me of doing just that. Over and over again.

I calmly, but in a lower voice than usual, I think, explained how them saying that was upsetting me and was also very unfair. I didn't touch on the mild racism of the phrase, so forgive me, all Hebraic readers. They seemed to get the picture, but then, sure enough, when the turn gets around to my Navy friend's turn and he realizes I had forgotten one of the millions of rules during a combat that had happened four turns ago, he called me a Space Jew.

I swore loudly at him, moved to slap him across the face, and tripped on a stool, losing my balance but regaining control of myself.

So anyway. That's embarrassing and extremely frustrating. Stupidly, my friend now claims to hate the game even more now that we've played it twice and said he's going to burn it because it's the worst game ever. He also apologized for pissing me off, but I replied with "probably," and he admitted that he didn't actually feel sorry at all.

How can people not feel bad when they hurt others' feelings? I am a very sarcastic person, I joke around a lot, but it's all in good fun, and if I find out that I've accidentally hurt someone's feelings (tying in with being accused of something I didn't realize that I've done) I feel like the worst person in the world. The worst. I hate it. So when you hurt your supposedly best friend's feelings in a way that made them very angry, angry enough that they didn't laugh at it two hours later like they normally would, why wouldn't you feel bad?

And that's the story of how I almost slapped my best friend because of StarCraft: the Board Game.

[zeroguy]

being falsely accused

Have I linked Don't talk to the police here before? Don't talk to the police.

Somehow I got called a Space Jew.

...and of course "kike force" is the first thing that goes through my mind when I see that. (What the hell, kike is not recognized as a word in this spell check, but nigger is? Racism!)

Anyway, that in general sounds like something that could definitely happen to me (or maybe has). It happens.

[Mich]

zero, that video in no way helps my phobia. At all. Entertaining speaker, though.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I don't know what to believe, what I should be convincing myself of, or what the truth is, regardless of those first two things.