Philotic Web

So, apparently it's somewhat sorta-kinda common around here and I'm quite curious to hear peoples take on this. Have you met someone online and are still with them today? Same thing except it didn't work out? Long distance only to be reunited later? Did it totally not work? Why do you think it turned out the way it did?

Or, just a poll.

Reason I ask is because.. er.. no reason at all....... >.>

I've tried it, in various forms, and I voted for yes despite the fact that none of those relationships "worked out", because I think they were each successful, healthy relationships that played their course and I got a lot out of them. By that definition, they "worked out" just fine.

Honestly, I think whether or not a long distance relationship is a good idea depends almost completely on the individual people involved. I don't really think there's a format that's guaranteed to work out better than another one. It's a really a different ball park if you've developed a relationship in person and then had to make it long distance based on circumstances vs one that was born to be long distance, especially if you've spent no/little time physically with the other person... but I don't think that makes one necessarily better or easier to deal with than the other. There are just different factors to deal with.

For example...

When someone isn't physically around it takes a heck of a lot more effort to make them actively a part of your life, and I think it's easy to fall into spending all of your time on the phone or online to try to make that happen. So much so that you can start to distance yourself from where you're physically living and missing a lot of really great stuff happening around you because you're trying to be invested somewhere else. I see that a lot with kids who try to keep up their high school relationships going when they move to college. I'm not saying it can't work, but I think it just makes it a lot harder to really LIVE where you are and be thoroughly invested in the moment and also keep this other person an active and relevant part of your life.

On the other hand, I think it's so much easier to really connect with someone on a significant level quickly when you're long distance. Your only main form of interaction is to talk, one on one, for long periods of time. When you're developing a relationship in person I feel like it takes a lot more time or intentionality to build up that level of intimacy and connection because instead of just sitting and talking one on one for hours at a time there are so many other things going on, and it's so much easier to just hung out or do other things with the person than it is to really get to know them on a deeper level. It automatically takes out a lot of those distractions and distills the relationship down to you and the other person connecting on an emotional and intellectual level. The flip side of that is that I think it's really easy for long distance relationships to quickly flip over to unhealthy and draining for the same reason.

So all of that to say, I think that they all have pros and cons and each have their own success stories and disasters, and it really depends on the individual relationship whether or not it's a good idea.

I do think there are sort of a universal, blanket set of factors to think about and work out with the other person ahead of time that will save you an awful lot of headaches later on, if you're thinking about starting one, though.

My first serious boyfriend worked at a camp the first summer we were dating, so we were together for about five months and then I didn't see him more than a few times all summer. That worked out more okay than it didn't. The relationship later fell apart, but the distance had nothing to do with it. I also got involved with a guy I'd met online about three years ago. That was a catastrophe, and about the only good thing that could be said about it by the end was that he was far away so I didn't have to see him very often.

Honestly, distance can be a problem. Jani was right on when she pointed out that it's easy to fall into an unhealthy pattern on behavior, where you spend a lot of time talking to your significant other instead of cultivating relationships with other people. You can end up cut off from everyone else, and while that can certainly happen with romantic relationships that aren't long distance, it's easier to fall into that when it is. For example, while I'm spending less time with my friends as I get closer to my boy, I'm not just blowing off the world for him. I'm also getting to know his friends, and he's getting to know my friends. So... it's a give and take.

For me, it all boils down to what I would tell anyone interested in trying an internet relationship (vs your old fashioned long-distance relationships): try it out if you will but be cautious.

I believe they can work out, but if and only if the two people are equally invested and make time for each other, if they balance the relationship by maintaining a real life where they each are, and if they have plans to physically be together at some point in time. (This really applies to both IRs and L-DRs where the couple knew each other first and were later separated, I think.)

As for personal experience, I've been in two IRs. The first one...the best way to describe that was as a huge learning experience. He lied about some very key things and could never get over it, even though I was willing to work through that. At the time, I told him I forgave him but to be perfectly honest, it wasn't true forgiveness or at least not complete forgiveness if that makes sense. I was also too dependent on him and missed out on the latter part of my college life because I thought I was investing in something bigger. It's a regret of mine, that I let myself be that way and miss so much. I don't blame him for that, though, only myself. Because of those two things, the relationship was doomed to fail. We're pretty decent friends now, so it was a win situation. I can still say, for better or for worse, that he knows me better than most anyone.

The second, oh my word. That was doomed before it even started. I hate to call it a rebound relationship and it was about 8 months after the breakup of the first relationship...but it served the same purpose. It was a largely misguided attempt on my part to prove I really was over the previous guy and I could date someone not only different but better. Did I actually like the guy in the second IR when it started? I'd like to think so, but moreso, I think I liked the chase and the feeling it gave me when I actually landed the person I targeted. (God, that sounds horrible and I feel the judgment oozing in my direction.) I remember the little bit of the conversation I was having with Janelle that gave me the idea to try, and that he was a cool enough person and not like the first guy (that turned out to be a bad thing)- she called him a teddy bear. Anyway, that phone conversation was in late March/early April, the pursuing on my part started in late April and by late June or early July, we had our "Do we want to do this?" talk. We actually started dating in August, met in October and that should have been all I needed to show me how wrong the whole thing was. But I was so wrapped up in keeping a relationship and the captive audience that came along with being in one that I fought to save the stupid thing when I knew the guy was all wrong for me before I even left from that trip. I had actually started crying a few days before the visit was due to end because I knew something was wrong. I had also spent a few hours one night telling my friends as much while he was upstairs in his friend's dorm. I started the talk that became his outlet for breaking up with me. I won't even get started on the awkwardness and suckiness that occurred after the breakup. Sadly, my reaction afterward (and his) made it hard for us to be friends. I'd like to be at some point, but not now because he makes it impossible the few times I do try to talk to him...so I think I'm done trying and will wait a bit longer.

Way more than you asked for, huh? I have a tendency to do that. One of the two up there always says that habit of mine is okay and the other got sick of it. I'll let you decide which said/implied what.

I didn't specify a length. I enjoyed reading the posts, though.

So... er.. I think maybe I'll write out what limited experience I have with it. It's really very limited and not all of the story is mine to tell and I'm honestly not sure if I should tell it at all. Meh, it couldn't hurt I suppose.

I started talking to this girl back in January of '07 and after a few weeks we were talking online every day for probably at least 4 to 7 hours a day, spread out. We really got along I think, and there was this obvious... playfulness that began to develop. One of the problems is that she was "seeing" someone else, so I didn't really think much of it. I got to know her really well (again, at least I think I did), except eventually things started getting more complicated.

*Half-time note: As I write this out I think that this sounds so dumb. I don't know why, but the idea of falling for someone over the internet still kind of makes me laugh even though I went through it.*

The person that she was "seeing" had to go MIA for awhile, so we started talking more. She was talking about having to 'make a decision' and she didn't 'want to hurt anyone'. For probably a few months I didn't really pay any mind to it and just went along with it, telling her that whatever decision she made I'd be fine with it. We got into fights over things *pauses to look in logs*... apparently it was mostly over her not wanting to tell me anything, such as how she felt or what she thought. Conversations started to go:
Her: Hmm.
Me: Yes?
Her: Nothing.
Me: Really?
Her: No.
Me: What are you thinking about?
Her: Just thinking.
Me: Okay then.
And on, and on. I think it was kind of obvious that we had "feelings" for each other, but since it was so.. er.. complicated on her part I guess she decided that she didn't want to do or say anything to anyone. I got mad at her for spending weeks at a time not doing or saying anything of importance at all, but constantly hinting that she wanted to talk about it, so for a few months it was off-again-on-again. Over the summer she apparently 'split up' with the aforementioned guy to actually date IRL, which is wonderful for her. At this point we essentially just spent a few weeks talking and a few weeks not talking at a time. Eventually I finally just confronted her and asked, point blank, if she felt anything for me. I knew she did, but she lied to me, over and over about it. I told her that if she wasn't going to be truthful that I'd just rather not talk at all. Eventually she let me know that she really did feel for me, but she couldn't/wouldn't ever do anything about it.

At this point I feel inclined to say that from about late summer 07' to October I was pretty mean to her. I was really tired of her lying to me and not telling me anything at all so I spent a lot of my time trying to figure out ways to get her to talk to me. Most of it's not really nice, but I had no idea what to do here. I sent her a birthday present but that was taken the wrong way and that didn't go over too well. I also feel inclined to say that I wasn't looking for an 'internet relationship' in the "you're my girlfriend" sense because, while I would have liked to meet her eventually I understood how impractical it was for now. It would have probably been several years before we ever actually got to meet and I didn't want her to feel 'obligated' to me. I just wished for her to be up front with me; to not lie to me. I had thought that it would be pretty cool if we both went to the same college when she graduated as we'd both be graduating at the same time.

Anyways, since then not much is different. We talk on occasion, and it seems like she's not changed that much overall, which really really hurts. I still obsessively check the various places she would write things but those don't update often and ever since she told me that "not everything I write is to you" I automatically assume nothing is to me. I still really, really care for her.. but I've honestly given up now. It doesn't hurt any more, but I still feel like saying such horrible things to her and that scares me.

So... er yeah. How's that for a long story? I didn't mean it to be that long. I didn't mean to write anything. Writing it out makes me feel kind of... pathetic. Oh well.

I choose "Yes, met online then in person", because I have had some of the best experiences of my young life through that choice.

I've only been in two internet relationships, and while the first one was a huge disaster, the second one has made me the happiest i've ever been with another person.

I've never had an internet relationship, and the two times I was in a relationship that was forced to change from one of close-proximity into on of long-distance it failed miserably (read: both times I tried it the guy started sleeping with someone else within the week).

I did once have a prolonged internet flirtation.

My college roommate Heather went to take a shower one day, when our phone rang. I picked it up, and her friend Adam was on the phone. What with one thing or another when she got back from the shower he and I were still on the phone. We traded screen names and had big elaborate conversations well into the hours of the morning (he was a playwright and lover of words. very swoon-worthy) and we clicked phenomenally well. But I never surrendered to it or gave up my life for it. He lived in Texas, and conversations with him remained an amusing perk.

Until the following year when he came up to visit Heather. Needless to say, we both got worked up about it and super-excited and he arrived, and he REALLY liked me and I... was not physically attracted to him at ALL (despite having seen pictures and thinking he was cute). And everything he said or did annoyed me.

It didn't go well.


Internet relationships aren't for me. (Not putting them down--my father met his truly amazing girlfriend online and they have been together for 6 years now--although they do live in the same city).

I require the face to face. I feel like it's too easy to be deceptive online, and I seriously need human contact in my relationships. Eye contact. Hand-holding. Etc. Talking is super important, I just prefer to do it face to face.

I voted the first. I met my husband of 10 years online. Ditto for my brother (and wife of 9 years) and my mother (and husband of 8 years). I don't think it's for everyone but sometimes it works.

i support online dating. i enjoyed almost all of the women i've met online in the past, and i've met a few. then, like 5 years ago i met my wife because of the internet, even though i met her in person first. my best friend met her sister online and they got hitched, my wife came to visit, that's how we met. my then girlfriend and i kept in touch for the years in between via the internet and visits as often as we could afford. after 4 years we got married. that's the story. so yeah. online relationships are kool.

I think most people here know my internet relationship story, but I'll summarize it for those who don't.

I met a girl online, she was a friend of someone else I had met online, and he introduced us to eachother's screen names. We clicked really well. We would talk for hours on end, I don't even know what about, from whenever I got home from school until the early morning hours. After 6(?) months of this, I knew I had fallen for her. I had only seen one really out-of-date picture; but I loved her all the same. It took another month or two before I came clean about that, but refused to outwardly say it; but shortly thereafter we started "dating." I don't remember the timeline well, but it wasn't long after that that we finally met and it was....well... It was everything I had anticipated for the months leading up to it and more.

We dated for 4 years, seeing eachother as often as time (and finances) would allow. We talked for hours on end over whatever medium we could. If it wasn't for the couple thousand miles in physical distance, you'd call us inseperable. We rarely went 12 hours without some contact.

That was part of the problem though. We were so wrapped up in one another and the one-on-one commitment of any means of communication that we had that both of us completely neglected our outside lives. Any time one of us felt the need to do something outside, the other would feel left out and immediately lonely, and it would cause us to fight. It's really really easy to get caught up in that.

We eventually got engaged, started planning a wedding, but then things went south. I won't get into the gory details here, but all involved, and all who know about it, know that it wasn't pretty. We both f****** up, and we both did some pretty deplorable things (in my books).

There are two inheirant(sp?) problems with internet/long distance dating. The first with communication, and exactly what Jani was talking about. The second is that when you get really involved in a relationship that's long distance, whatever happens when you close that distance gap? Kinda like what Val was talking about, where someone she clicked real well with online and on the phone, she had 0 attraction to in person. Even if you have attraction in person, you can't really know a person from online interactions, or even short visits. People have lifestyles and mannerisms that don't come up in conversation. You could go through everything I did, successfully get married, move in together, and be set on the newlywed high life before realizing that your new mate is inconsiderate, boring, or irresponsible to the point that it'll ruin your relationship.

Since then, I have tried doing the online dating site thing without much success. I don't believe in the way most dating sites work because you're automatically filtering people out by very shallow means (picture, brief profile, etc) without actually getting to know people. I've not actually met any of the women I've talked to from them; but that's been my decision as I'm not really attracted to any of them

So, speaking of super long posts...

The point is, if you're gonna do the online thing, great. Don't let it take over your life. You need to have a life with real life friends and real life activities. If you cannot balance these two things out, stick with your friends. It may suck, but I'll guarantee you - it's not worth it. Regardless of the outcome with your relationship your social life is definitely going to feel it. I can't count the number of friends I pushed out of my life because of my ex, and I was only able to recover a couple of them.

If your online relationship is going to be long distance; again, be wary. If you really want to make it work, move closer before getting in too deep. Don't move in, don't get married, none of it. Live nearby, see what your life is like with this person when they're actually PART of it, when you can see them, face to face, as often as you'd like. Trust me, it's way different.

If you've got a stable relationship that's becoming long distance for one reason or another, great. They CAN work, but they take work. Both parties have to be devoted, both parties have to put in the effort to make it work, and both parties have to genuinely want it to work (consciously and subconsciously - these can be different).

So I'll vote yes, but with a big yellow light above it. Proceed with caution.

We met online, its been the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I met my wife online march of 2003. she lived in sacramento, ca. One month later we met in person. Three months later I proposed/she accepted. And only three months after that we married. We're now coming up on our five year anniversary. . . so yeah, I believe it can work.

So it's not unusual! I feel better now.

*laughs* I never posted in here, because we wanted to keep it on the low-down. But the first post was posted the day we got engaged!

*laughs* I never posted in here, because we wanted to keep it on the low-down. But the first post was posted the day we got engaged!

Haha, wow! That's kind of crazy.

I've never tried a LDR. The one guy I've been interested in for years has told me he doesn't believe in them and I've moved all over the West Coast over the last few years, so trying anything with anyone has pretty much been a fail. I have some very close friends who I've met online that I could see maybe getting romantically involved with, but Seattle to France is a bit much, though we do manage to see each other at least once a yearish.

*Half-time note: As I write this out I think that this sounds so dumb. I don't know why, but the idea of falling for someone over the internet still kind of makes me laugh even though I went through it.*

*sigh*

*nods*

Seattle to France is a bit much

Are you the Seattle part? Do we have another Pwebber in Washington!?

Seattle to France is a bit much

Are you the Seattle part? Do we have another Pwebber in Washington!?

Yup, I'm the Seattle one. It is sunnyish today!

Aww, that's awesome! I also find it funny that I find another Washington Pwebber in a thread about long distance. We're down in the small town of Yelm.

: )

Seattle to France is a bit much

Are you the Seattle part? Do we have another Pwebber in Washington!?

Yup, I'm the Seattle one. It is sunnyish today!

It was this morning, but the clouds are coming down here near Olympia.

You guys stink, taking all of the sunshine from the east side of the state. We've been gloomy and cold over here for two days, when we were sunny and warm not three days ago.

Dude Mich, you're here too? Have you always been here?

Relationships? Eww girls are icky.

Are not.

Aww, that's awesome! I also find it funny that I find another Washington Pwebber in a thread about long distance. We're down in the small town of Yelm.

: )

Nice! I'm on the Eastside, it was raining this morning but has been sunny the entire afternoon. One of my friends used to live in the Olympia area so I've been down there a bit.

Dude Mich, you're here too? Have you always been here?

I straddle the line between Moscow and Pullman, so I might as well be completely there.

It is weird seeing a thread I started so long ago bumped. Made me go "Whoa, what?! When did I make a thread?" this morning. Also, when I see large walls of text written by me, I cringe even trying to read it.

I voted yes. I've had interesting online relationships!

The first relationship I had online was when I was 14... But I liked to think I was mature for my age... Essentially it was curiosity and a genuine like for the guy that got me into it. It is hard to remember, though. A lot of things happened to me in the four months that it lasted that had to do with him, as well as many others, so it's all become somewhat blurry in my mind. But needless to say, it ended. I ended it when it was evident that it wasn't working and I could be happier in another situation. Interestingly, though, I ended it using a clause he made at the beginning of the relationship that I think he had intended that only he would ever use.

In between that relationship and the one I'm currently in, I had one and a half relationships with guys who I had met through school. I think the first relationship I was in was very much out of curiosity, as well. While I got the emotional experience from my previous relationship, I ended up with more physical experience from this one. I think it was good for me. It was also nice because it sort of just tapered off and we were both okay with it because there just wasn't much that we had in common. The half relationship was with one of my closest friends now. He was a couple of years older, but we spent a lot of time talking with each other and had a three part date. Unfortunately at the end of the third part he remembered that that day was the day he had made an appointment to go talk with people to join the army. Needless to say, that essentially ended anything that might have happened between us. I think he will always be the one who I will be curious about, though.

But! I had another online relationship. I met him through pwebchat because it was still pretty active then and I had read one of his something like 10 posts just as someone was saying we needed more people for the chat. So I was like, "Well, how serendipitous, he has a screen name." and invited him. Apparently that was a smart choice on my part! He and I started really talking a few months after that chat. That summer was really good for us because we were both stuck at home because of a lack of a driver's license. (We were very young... and still are). That school year was really hard for him, and I think having someone there who he could trust but who he didn't have to have the courage to speak to face-to-face was nice. His little brother had problems with drugs, and at one time stole the family car with his friends and ran away. It was really hard to watch, but I think that also strengthened our relationship in the long run because he was able to talk to me about it and be vulnerable with me. In November, about ten months after I had initially met him, we decided we wanted to try out a relationship (though it actually happening was a bit more romantic than that).

He and I weren't able to see each other until August of the following year because of school and then the summer travel and programs that I did, but it was nice to make it that long. He came down for a week, and we just sort of clicked (more). Of course it was slightly weird at first, but I felt comfortable with him almost immediately. And that's saying something for me as feeling comfortable with people is a rare time in my life. It was really nice to physically be with him and to do things with him and also to talk face to face with him.

Within the next year we had both acquired laptops and the discovery of webcams was quite nice. He and I do have the problem of not really knowing how much time to spend on our lives outside of the relationship and our lives within it. I've been known to get jealous that he has such good friends he can spend time with.. But it's definitely been worth it. Almost two and a half years later our relationship still feels like it's growing and while we have fights, things still seem to always be getting better.

I'm currently 19 hours (driving) away from him, but that's likely to change come August. Hopefully I'll be attending college within about 3-4 hours from him and we'll see how it works when we can be together more often. I do worry about whether we'll click when it comes to our lifestyles. He's far more laid back than I am in personality, but honestly we're both really lazy when it comes to taking care of ourselves.

But yeah, an online relationship/long distance has worked for me. But I mean, I don't prefer it over getting to be with that person by any means.

Typing this makes me feel kind of young.

in that gap of August 2008 and march 2010 in between posts I sort of kind of had one. clicked online flirted a great deal, had a good time the day we met in person, broke up soon after.

I think they're really hard to make work, both people have to be pretty dedicated and flexible in managing LD time with the SO and meatspace time in your local life.

had it continued I think it would have become VERY onesided very quickly with me putting in all the effort.

I think they're really hard to make work, both people have to be pretty dedicated and flexible in managing LD time with the SO and meatspace time in your local life.

That's a very important and difficult, specially when there are several time zones in between. My online relationship went across 7 hours of difference, and it was really wearing, physically. When we broke up, and i was ready to confront pros and cons, that was one of the biggest pros, taking back control of my timetable.
A couple of friends of ours, one girl from Paris and another from Arizona, have even a largest time difference, but they have been able to make it work for more than 5 years (5 years is when we met them).

Wow, it's almost been two years since I first posted in here. I'm still sticking with yes because i'm in the same relationship as last time and I don't see that changing. The only thing that's changed is we've actually moved in together and have been living with each other for over a year now

I think the hardest part of the LD relationship was the time management as well. You have to make time for each other, but you can't abandon your friends. I think we did pretty well, we hardly ever went a day without at least an hour long conversation.

I always thought it would be weird living together because basically the people he would have to hang out with first would be my friends, but he's become one of the group and even hangs out with them when i'm at work. I'm amazed how smoothly it's actually gone.

Hmm, I just noticed "No - Met in person and broke up long distance" is the only option with 0. I just find that odd, since that's the only option besides "haven't tried it" that would apply to people I know in meatspace (that I know of, anyway).