Excuses, Excuses

[Eaquae Legit]

When do reasons become excuses?

Is "I'm a girl, what do you expect?" or "I'm a guy, what do you expect?" ever a valid reason for behaviour, or is it just an excuse?

What about "I'm PMSing." Does that excuse crankiness? Rudeness?

Mental disorders?

(This is a touchy subject to some people. Discuss seriously and calmly or not at all, please.)

[Young Val]

i use the PMS thing, not to excuse, but to explain my behavior occasionally. i don't think being on the rag gives me the right to treat other people badly. but i do almost always feel ugly/ill/irritable/stressed/emotional while i have my period. for those reasons, i tend to go into hermit mode, so as not to take out my biological discomfort on others. but i tend to be lazy, to eat a lot of junk, and let my emotions run wild. so yeah, when i'm chowing down on ben and jerry's and doritos while watching endless episodes of Sex and the City in the same pajamas for three days straight and people start eye-balling me a bit, i'm ready with the PMS defense.

i hate, though, when girls use it as a chance to order people around and command pity. yes, it sucks to have your period. it's messy and uncomfortable and it sucks that guys don't have to deal with it firsthand. but that's one of those things that isn't ever going to change. so being mad about it is sort of pointless.


while i fully believe that there are fundamental differences between men and women that manifest in behavior rather than simply physicalities, i try to steer clear of the "i'm a girl" excuse. it doesn't always work, mind you. but whenever henry (or any guy, for that matter) trotted out the "it's a guy thing" excuse, it bothered me to NO end. usually because it was used when the guy in question didn't feel like having a conversation and explaining himself, so the Guy Defense was a quick, easy out. how can i really argue with something like that? no matter what i say, the answer is "of course you don't understand because you're a girl." there's no way around that. it's sort of a cop out.

now, i've used it before, i'm sure. and i'm sure that if i could remember specific instances i'd be able to "justify" every single one of them. but the fact remains that i hate it when it's thrown in my face by a guy, so if it's wrong and obnoxious when they do it, it probably is if i do it, too.

[anonshadow]

Oo, good question. I was talking about this just last night with someone.

I tend to put any gender-related "explanations" for bad behavior in anything but a joking context down pretty quickly. Those are things that really get under my skin, because I don't care whether you're female, it is still wrong to expect your boyfriend to buy you the sun, and I don't care if you're male, cheating is unacceptable.

Mental disorders get a little trickier. A paranoid schizophrenic has very good reason to do irrational things based on paranoia, and may, depending on the circumstances, have very little control over the paranoia and delusions he is experiencing. The bipolar girl in the midst of a depressive episode is much less able to work through it and get out of bed, because the chemicals in her body are working against her. There is not always anything she can do to change that and stop crying.

(That isn't to say that no one else can find themselves in that situation, but I think it will usually happen much more with people afflicted with these illnesses.)

However, at the same time, mental illness cannot be used as a catch-all excuse. It can get very easy to "blame the ADD" for not being able to concentrate, and since, hey, you have an excuse, maybe you don't work as hard at concentrating as you could.

It can get easy to feel victimized, I think--very easy. I know this, because I have been there, and am just starting to work my way out of it. Now, feeling victimized when you really have had reason to is all well and good, but at some point, you need to get up and take some responsibility for yourself.

Reasons become excuses when one can try, and isn't. When one is actively choosing to be in a bad place, when they can make it better.

Not when one is trying, and faltering a little here and there (or even a lot here and there), but when one is not trying at all.


Edit: After reading Kelly's post, something else popped into my head--

I think that there's a big difference between using something to explain a behavior and to excuse it. I can say, "I missed my medication today, so you might want to be careful around me for the next few days," and I don't think that's an excuse. I think it's pretty valuable information. If I refuse to take any responsibility for calling someone an idiotic self-flaggulating moron, well, that's different.

[Young Val]

However, at the same time, mental illness cannot be used as a catch-all excuse. It can get very easy to "blame the ADD" for not being able to concentrate, and since, hey, you have an excuse, maybe you don't work as hard at concentrating as you could.

It can get easy to feel victimized, I think--very easy. I know this, because I have been there, and am just starting to work my way out of it. Now, feeling victimized when you really have had reason to is all well and good, but at some point, you need to get up and take some responsibility for yourself.

Reasons become excuses when one can try, and isn't. When one is actively choosing to be in a bad place, when they can make it better.

Not when one is trying, and faltering a little here and there (or even a lot here and there), but when one is not trying at all.

yes.

[Dr. Mobius]

I'm pretty sure I've used "I'm tall" for both valid reasons and lame excuses. I can't think of any examples off the top of my head though.

Then there's also that "cute" line...

[starlooker]

Ooh, ooh, ooh! A Charlie Brown comic. Lucy is up at bat and strikes out.

Lucy: You should give me FOUR strikes because I'm a girl!
Umpire: Strike Four!

Lucy: You should give me FIVE strikes because I was sick yesterday!
Umpire: Strike five!

Lucy: You should give me SIX strikes because I'm so cute!

Silence.

Lucy (walking back to the dugout): What kind of a stupid game is it where you only get five strikes?

Hehehehehe.

Anyways, yeah. What Elena said.

And, also, there's a difference between you having an excuse and you feeling that other people have no right to be annoyed or inconvenienced because of your excuse. Assume that PMS is a valid reason for me to be an irrational, edgy, cranky woman (just for the sake of argument). That's fine. But that doesn't mean that people have to like me or stay around me when I'm being irrational, edgy, or cranky. Hopefully they'll be a bit more forgiving, but that's really up to them.

[Slim]

My boss is always asking "Why did such-and-such go wrong?" I tell him why, and he tells me not to give him excuses. And I think to myself, "You asked why this happened, and I was just answering the question."

Then I figured out that the answer he really wanted was the the question he was really asking: "This went wrong, what are you going to do about it?"

[zeroguy]

When do reasons become excuses?

A reason is why something happened (or was done, whatever). An excuse is a reason for something, and you think you should be excused for that reason. It's all in intent. "I'm a <sex>" is a reason, but can be an excuse if you think/expect that sole fact excuses you for whatever behavior.