Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[Eddie Pinz]

Bob,

My raise finally kicked in this month, and I have substantially more money coming in every month. I am not sure what to do with it. Part of me wants to continue to live at home, pay down my student loans, while saving to buy a house, skipping the whole living in an apartment phase. Another part of me wants to move out(desperately).

There are a couple problems with moving out. I really don't have a good candidate for a roommate. It would be a total disaster to live with most of my friends. They are sloppy, terrible with money and, in general, just bring way too much drama to the table. My best friend would be an option, but there are a couple problems there. One, I don't think he has the money to do it. He still hasn't found a real* job since graduation. Two, he is looking for a city job, which requires you to live in the city. I am looking to move out of the city to avoid the Philly wage tax, since I don't work in the city. Moving out alone is definitely an option, but a more expensive one, that hinders the whole getting out of debt and buying house thing.

Not to mention the fact that I have been thinking about picking up a second job or going back to school for my masters. So, many thoughts running through my head right now. On top of that, all of the stuff I have to do in work. I'm just not sure what to do, but I think I am going to put a hold on everything until after the holidays.

* Real job as in on that makes use of his degree and generally pays more.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

My friend is driving up tomorrow to help me go shopping for a wedding dress for the first time. I'm kind of excited, but also a little terrified. Talking with her on the phone last night did a great deal to calm the terror. Now it's more like just plain anxiety, really. I guess.

Every time I try to make a move on this whole planning thing, I get overwhelmed by ideas that might go wrong and so I back off. I haven't even begun looking at venues because I'm crippled by the idea of actually cold-calling churches and asking them about using the space. And/or the pastor. It's my normal phone-phobia, but magnified many times.

I really need to sit down and look at that and CBT-myself through it. Or get a very matter-of-fact friend to talk me through it.

The whole dress thing, though. Let's see. Things I'm fearing. A) My weight/body issues. B) The sleeve issue. C) The price issue. D) This huge feeling that I have no business going there.

I don't know. It's my normal, "please don't go out of your way or make a fuss over me" mentality taken to a whole new level. It took me ages at restaurants to be able to ask the wait staff to do anything for me, no matter how simple and reasonable. God forbid I drop a fork and someone would have to go out of their way. I hate making phone calls because I am sure I will be interrupting and causing problems. Even though NOT calling often causes a lot more problems than calling would. So, yeah.

Example of "Don't fuss mentality." Called someone who was pretty well my best friend in graduate school to tell her I was engaged. I get her on the phone and she immediately says, "I'm in the middle of the two-hour premier of House. Can I call back?" and I say, "Yes, sure, no problem, talk to you again later." So she ends up calling me the next day, and I tell her the news, and she's very surprised, shocked, happy, and then she's like, "Wait, is that why you were calling yesterday?" "Yes." "Okay, Kirsten? For future reference, 'I'm engaged' trumps 'watching House.'" Which most people would probably instinctively feel. But I didn't.

Frankly, wedding planning is something which plays to all of my weaknesses. Including A) organizing a long-term project, B) having to deal with what people are wearing (self-included), C) being the center of attention in an emotional situation, D) decision-making, E) decorating, F) social gatherings.

But that's okay. I just need to wallow in my anxiety and despair and inadequacy until my rational brain gets sick of it and informs me I'm being ridiculous and perspective kicks in. Bringing with it a modicum of courage.

[powerfulcheese04]

Dear Bob,

I am honestly embarrassed to be a member of my vet school class. Embarrassed. I am incredibly upset that my professional and academic relationship is tied to this bunch of disrespectful children. Did we just have a really s***** applicant pool or something?

I mean, first there were the accusations of cheating last year. I thought we got that resolved after the group talking to/shaming that we got.

Apparently not, as halfway through this semester our professors started handing out several versions of tests. (Pharm had 4 versions. Parasit had 2... The parasit ones were even printed on different color paper. Talk about insulting.)

Then there's the steadily declining class attendance, despite the student handbook requiring attendance in all classes and labs. Missing more than 30% of a course constitutes withdrawal from the program. I think several members of my class are approaching that point. Anyway, the skipping has gotten so bad that all 3 of my lecturers this morning made comments about how few people were there. This is in addition to the 2 comments Tuesday about the poor attendance. (Including "I've never taught to half a class before. No wonder you're doing so badly.")

I'm mad at how we're being treated by our professors. But, I'm not mad at the professors. Honestly, if I was a professor, I'd be reacting exactly the same way. My class is horrible. They're a poor excuse for veterinary students. We're at the 4th ranked veterinary school in the country but nobody's acting like it.


I just.. don't want ot be associated with these people any more.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I woke up this morning to find I was sleeping on a Canadian penny.


If you're asking yourself how this penny came to be on my bed, you're asking the same question I'm asking.

[neo-dragon]

Must of had a Canadian visitor in your bed.

[Luet]

My brother is more depressed than anyone I've ever known. After trying nearly a dozen drugs and combinations of drugs, he is about to try the last resort drug. He has tried everything else and if this doesn't work, then I'm not sure what else there is other than ECT. He doesn't have insurance and the only reason he has been able to try medications thusfar is that my doctor is seeing him for free. He has started to see a therapist but he says that it doesn't do any good. He is suicidal but he says he won't try anything. I see him in so much pain and there is nothing I can do to help him. He can't work, he can't do anything. He's my little bubby-wubby and I can't help him.

[Confessions]

Bob,

Everything is so great, and I know it cannot possibly stay this way much longer. Two more weeks? Please? Two and a half?

I've been really well for the past two months or so. Everything is going my way, and even more than that. It's not just peace of mind, tenuous and temporary, which is usually all I can manage under the conditions here. I'm actually... figuring myself out? It's weird, because I've gotten used to the idea that I never will. But, not so long ago, I rediscovered attraction, and now I've discovered pleasure. And maybe, in time, I might find how they go together.

I'm being wildly optimistic, of course. Soon my life will become way hectic again, and my recent endeavors will only cause me to suffer. Seriously. Everything's that's harmless, and even fun, right now, will become downright painful later.

Or maybe not? I'm a natural optimist today. I can't think negatively for more than a few minutes. Gosh, I'll miss this later.

[Yebra]

[blank]

[Confessions]

Dear Bob.

I'm worried/ concerned about my friend. Well, not really her, her Catholic identity. She says she's Catholic, but I always get the impression she doesn't care at all. When ever we discuss things about what the Church teaches, she gets this look of disapproval on her face. She thinks abortion is fine and that women should be able to choose. I tell her, Choose what? To kill a kid? She respects my views, and I respect hers. I just don't agree with them. She and her family never go to Sunday Mass either. She says she goes enough during the week when our school goes. I don't know... I just wish she would either change her mind or stop saying she's a Catholic and not acting it. We believe it's faith and works.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

Get ready for what might be the longest Bob letter I have ever written.

It went way, way better than expected. Hallelujah. I'm no longer on the crazy dress high that I was, but I'm still really pleased.

Lots of reasons to be scared, I guess. Normal body issues, budget, too many episodes of Say Yes to the Dress. And the major reason is that I was very scared was because it's nearly impossible to find a pretty dress with sleeves these days. Apparently, we're having some kind of cultural reaction formation against the puffed sleeves of the 80s. I do not understand it. Frankly, I don't think all that many people are really flattered by the totally sleeveless thing. But I digress.

You see, the sleeves thing for me is very sensitive and very necessary, and not for positive reasons, not religious conviction or anything like that. I have a lot of very visible scarring on my upper arms from an earlier time in my life. It's raised, textured kinds of scarring -- I can't put makeup over it or anything like that. I've gotten a lot better about accepting this in my day-to-day life -- I swim at the gym, I change in the locker room, things like that. My fiance and his best friend's wife were really helpful to me a couple of years back in coming to terms both with having it, and with not letting it prevent me from doing things I want. All the same, it's not something a lot of my family members have seen, and I fully intend to get married with it covered up.

Okay, serious disclaimer out of the way, here's the fun stuff.

My friend/bridesmaid was sweet and wonderful enough to drive up from Oklahoma to help me. Fortunately, I had told her about the scars/the story behind them towards the end of last year. Which just goes to show, occasionally opening up to people can pay off in ways you might not expect. Anyhow, we had decided to go shopping at two places the first day, just to kind of figure out what sorts of things I liked and get a good start. So, we figured we'd go to a local place, Uniquely You, and David's Bridal. We ended up going to them in that order. Thank God, as you shall understand later.

So, after lunch we drove up to the local place. I'll tell you, it looks a bit seedy from the outside. In this kind of strip mall place. Not remotely busy at all -- apparently it never is, as they actively discouraged me from making an appointment. I do not know why. Before we arrive, my friend wants to know exactly what kind of feedback I want from her, and I tell her I absolutely want her to be honest, don't worry about telling me what's wrong with the dress.

We get in, and tell them we're looking for a wedding dress. They are immediately a bit thrown by the request for sleeves, but after I explain the reason and my friend explains the whole bolero/jacket concept, they brighten up. They also appear to feel kind of bad for me on account of this, and they seem very interested in making sure that I find something I like and don't feel too limited by this.

So, everyone starts picking out dresses. Lots of dresses. "How about this?" "Maybe this one?" and at the last minute, someone -- I forget who -- adds a fairly simple, elegant type one to the pile, and I look at it and something just kind of clicks. So, I ask to try that one on first.

Oh my gosh. My friend helps me into it, and puts the straps on. I wasn't really prepared for what a wedding dress would involve. SO much material. (With most of the ones I tried on, I felt like I was putting on a skirt made out of a really heavy, high quality bed quilt.) We have to get the salesperson to help us tie up the back (corset top). And I am just staring at myself in the dressing room mirror the whole time, grinning a bit goofily. It was a lot to take in. Off-white, flat taffeta (did not make noise), sheer organza overlay (if I'm remembering correctly). Corset top, like I said, with sweetheart neckline and ruching in the front in kind of a criss cross. The waistline kind of dips down on both sides, and then the A-line skirt goes on forever. Well, it felt like it, never having worn a dress with a train before Technically, I think it's semi-cathedral. No beading on bodice or on the train. Then there was small satin sash that had silver and crystal beading on it in a pretty pattern that hits me right where I'm skinniest. It reminded me of my ring, actually. Simple, but with some sparkle in the middle. So, we go out to the dressing area, and I get to stand on the pedestal and look in the mirrors -- huge area to look at the dress in -- and wow. My friend loved it ("look how skinny you are!" being the favorite comment of the day.) I just get all -- I don't know. I don't cry, and I'm not jumping up and down excited. Just very happy and staring at myself and the dress and this very soft, tender feeling. And then we throw my hair up in a quick bun, and they add a veil with a little bit of sparkle on the edges to pick up the sparkle on the belt.

When I was a little girl, my mother had two old can-can skirts that I used to play dress-up all the time. I used to put them on my head and play bride with them. And when she put the veil on, I just had this millisecond flashback to that, to looking at my be-can-can skirted self in the mirror -- so very, very pleased -- when I was five.

The staff had found a couple of bolero jackets in satin and chiffon -- unfortunately black -- that we were using to get the idea of the effect. And it was good.

So, then, eventually we went ahead and tried the next one. It was not corseted and was way too big for me, so they had to clamp it back. (Frankly, that was hugely gratifying for me. I'd been told so many times not to freak out when they went up a size or two, because wedding dresses run small, blah blah blah. Turns out, no, actually, my size is exactly my size for wedding dresses. A size too big is too big, a size too small is too small.) And I loved that one, too. Similar skirt style, no ruching. Satin, no overlay. Beading was lovely. And the great thing about this one was that there's a band of satin at the top and around the train that I could have made any color I wanted. I've always loved those dresses with the little touches of color. The train was more beaded on this one and bustled up, which I loved. But the really important thing about this dress is that it came with a lacy jacket on top, 3/4 length sleeves, beeding and sparkles. Remember that.

Alright. I won't go into a ton of detail about dresses 3,4, and 5. They were very similar to dress #1, except with more beading and detail on the bodice and the trains, which I liked a lot. (Particularly the train.) There was one that was kind of a noisy taffeta that had a texture I really didn't care for, so we vetoed that one since there were others I liked better. My friend really fell for Dress #3. The beading and sparkles on the top were lovely.

At this point, I was just feeling really overwhelmed. Five dresses, I liked four. And every time, my friend just loved them (to think, she'd been worrying about being to harsh a critic in the car!) So, I decided I wanted to try on dress #1 again and be done. My reasoning was that I wasn't sure if my reaction of love to dress #1 was because I actually loved it, or because I was seeing myself in a wedding dress for the first time. After we'd been through some similar dresses with more detail, I might not feel the same.

So, on went dress #1 again. And it was just so funny. I'd been excited and pleased and kind of awed with all of them. But, looking in the mirror, the second the staff started lacing up dress #1 again, I felt myself starting to get all doe-eyed and all mushy inside again. Just this really slow-moving, lovey, peaceful feeling. And then we went out on the pedastal again, and someone had the brilliant idea of putting jacket #2 with the dress. The salesperson said she really got goosebumps. It worked really nicely, because the top of the dress is so plain, the jacket picked up the sparkles in the belt. They got me a satin-trimmed veil this time (elbow-length, I believe), and then she found me a pearls and crystal beaded headpiece (headband style). And when she put that on, I just felt my face get all hot, and then there were tears that I had to work really hard to hold back. My friend got a picture of this, which I really love.

So. Wow. Overwhelmed.

(I'd say that dress is it, but the issue is that I didn't like it as much in a couple of the pictures.)

So, everyone said that I needed a break and some time to think. And they were right. It was just so much, and they were so similar. So we decided to leave at that point. They wrote down the numbers of the dresses I liked, and I'm going to go back next week and see again. I'm going to bring my camera and have the staff take some more pictures of them. I'm 75% sure that dress #1 is going to be it, though.
~~~~~~~~~~

So, we ended up being about an hour late to David's Bridal (we called ahead). It was a 20 minute drive, which basically felt like coming down from a big sugar high.

Very, very, very different experience. Holy goodness. May I just say that when you're wanting people to feel they look the most beautiful they ever have in their life, you might choose to forego flourescent lighting?

Okay. Well, we figured that this would be an easy trip. After all, I'd just tried on 5 dresses and loved four of them, and felt attractive in all of them. So, we'd just pick similar dresses to what had looked good in the other store, and go from there.

So, anyhow. They make you wear this huge tulle petticoat thing. And it was just dress after dress after dress that should have looked good, but just felt awful and just looked wrong. My friend had plenty of room for her criticism here. Accentuated every negative point I had. Thank GOD I did not go here first. Basically, going there first would have felt like all my worst nightmares coming true. However, as it was, I knew good and well that I had four beautiful dresses across town that fit me perfectly, and so I knew that the problem was the dresses, and not me. So, I told the woman who was helping me about the previous experiences, and she asked to see the pictures after we were both getting the idea that this was just the wrong store for me. And she looked at the pictures and was like, "Oh my gosh. Look at how happy you look! You look like you're in pain whenever you see these. Look, I have to be honest with you. We don't have anything like that here. Those are gorgeous. Let's get you back into your clothes, go home and relax, and I want you to send me pictures of your wedding."

And so we did go home and relax. And I called a lot of people and told them the story, and I also got my best friend in Grand Forks to agree that she would be my maid of honor, her son will be my ring bearer, and her husband will be a groomsman.

And I'm going to go back next Friday and look again. I'm 90% certain about which dress I want, but I just need to try again.

And that was Kirsten's personal happy Say Yes to the Dress episode.

[Luet]

I'm so happy for you! I didn't have a real wedding dress shopping experience. I knew I didn't want anything like a traditional wedding dress, so I ended up wearing a matte silver slinky gown (with a very small sheer train-like inset in back) for my wedding. It was gorgeous and I loved it but it was very untraditional.

[Gravity Defier]

My friend got a picture of this, which I really love.

I'm sorry, did I hear 'picture'? *winkwink*


Thanks for posting this; it was a fun read.

[steph]

I'm so glad you had a fun experience! I know from (religious) experience how hard it is to find anything with sleeves. I chose one from the Eternity Bridal line. If you're interested in seeing some that you don't need a bolero to have sleeves, browse Eternity Gowns. There are lots of different styles, all with sleeves and there's a place to enter your ZIP code to find a bridal store that carries their line.

P.S. I'm not trying to sway you from the dress you love!! I just know that sometimes it's nice to not have to wear a jacket.

[starlooker]

Thanks everyone

Indeed, Alea, you did hear me say pictures. She's going to email them to me tomorrow. I'd just as soon not post those publicly, but anyone who wants to see the Kirsten-not-quite-crying-in-a-wedding-dress picture can PM me and I'll send it.

Thanks for the link, Steph. They are pretty -- if I can't find a bolero that really works for me with this dress, I'll probably start looking for a place that carries those. The finder thing says there's one in Kansas City.

[Eaquae Legit]

So, anyhow. They make you wear this huge tulle petticoat thing. And it was just dress after dress after dress that should have looked good, but just felt awful and just looked wrong. My friend had plenty of room for her criticism here. Accentuated every negative point I had. Thank GOD I did not go here first. Basically, going there first would have felt like all my worst nightmares coming true. However, as it was, I knew good and well that I had four beautiful dresses across town that fit me perfectly, and so I knew that the problem was the dresses, and not me. So, I told the woman who was helping me about the previous experiences, and she asked to see the pictures after we were both getting the idea that this was just the wrong store for me. And she looked at the pictures and was like, "Oh my gosh. Look at how happy you look! You look like you're in pain whenever you see these. Look, I have to be honest with you. We don't have anything like that here. Those are gorgeous. Let's get you back into your clothes, go home and relax, and I want you to send me pictures of your wedding."

I got my dress when I popped into a shop on my walk home from campus, on a whim, because I was bored and cranky. Even though it was nothing like what I wanted and way out of my budget, my eyes fell on it and I asked if I could try it on.

I loved it so much, but it was so different that I didn't trust my own love for it. When I went back the next day with a friend, I still loved it, and I got it off the rack so I could actually afford it. I still feel a little soft inside when I think of it. The lady who owned the shop was incredibly nice and it's amazing how big a difference that makes. I'm glad you had a nice couple of dress ladies, too!

Heeeee, congrats again!!

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

It's been about a month since I had a long, good chat with you. Weird, isn't it? Let's see, where to begin?

My brother is supposed to be moving out tomorrow. Him, his girlfriend, and their clothes should be gone anyway. Their furniture should be out by the end of the week. Or, as I told my mom, he's not moving out until he's moving out.

I'm getting bored with my exercise class. Not because it, in theory, is boring but rather because these people kind of suck at teaching it. They are repetitive, both in music selection and in movement (even between all the different songs). Some of the songs they use that Drill Sergeant also used are watered down and much to their annoyance -that's right, sweetheart, give me the stink eye- I do Drill Sergeant's where I remember the moves. Is it disrespectful? Yes. Do I care? A little but not enough to stop. The fact that I'm bored is boring me out of other exercise and my weight is not budging at all.

Work is work. They're thinking of changing our hours to something more closely resembling those found in other libraries across the country...that is to say, later. They would like to ruin my mornings by having us go in at 10, ruin my evenings (and exercise class opportunities) by having us get off at 8, and make it so we spend two meals a day there. Unlike the main library, we don't have the staff to make a one meal at work day possible. I suppose I could also go to only breakfast and dinner. Or only breakfast and lunch. Also unlike the main, where the people deciding the hours are from, we don't get the luxury of 9-5 M-F workweeks or at worst, one night and two Saturdays a month. This would be our schedule all month long (well, slightly different on Fridays and Saturdays). Yes, I can even recognize that I'm lucky to be working, that other people have lived through that type of schedule or worse, but I am hating even the thought of it. As of a few months ago, it was "Don't everyone panic, these new hours won't take place for a few years at least."


Anyway, the bigger issue here is this: I want to talk about these things. I want the right reaction, whatever that may be. I guess, lucky for me, I have a session tomorrow?

[daPyr0x]

If I starve to death, this is why.

I get that this "isn't so bad," especially considering how much worse it has gotten between the two of us; but I was gone for 4 days, and he was gone for 2 of them, that's kinda ridiculous

I left on Thursday morning, after cleaning that kitchen in it's entirety. In the sink? Yup, that's from my brother dumping cooked elbow noodles into the sink and leaving them there. They're stuck there now. The random plastic bag? That's got more Kraft Dinner that he didn't make, apparently the cupboard is too far away. What's with all the dishcloths hanging in the sink, you ask? Oh, yeah, one of those is a cloth, the others are all my dishtowels. Despite me hanging them on the oven handle and them rather clearly being towels, every time he wants to do dishes they end up there, dripping wet, and I'm not really sure how. I just stopped caring and let them stay there, that's how there became so many there. Why reuse an old towel when Cameron took out a new one so he could have a towel in the kitchen?

On a similar note, has any one of you ever heard of anybody putting their empty egg shells back into the egg carton? Yeah, I never had either...

I'm finding myself avoiding food. I'm hesitant to buy much food here because he'll eat it and never replace it. I mean, he will, if I make him, but I'm not the type to pester, and any time I ask him to get groceries it's eggs, bread, milk, and some premade subs. I know that's not much of an excuse, but it's what I'm using for now. I'd go out, but I've been avoiding fast food for quite a while, and I'm keeping to that. I could go somewhere nicer, but obviously that means more expensive, and I'm not employed at the moment.

I just find so little pleasure in any of the things I've been eating, it doesn't seem worth much effort to make something. I know I can handle going without for a few more hours, so I do, and I keep doing so. I guess that's kinda sick, or I'm manifesting some buried masochistic traits, but I don't really care.

It would be nice to have a kitchen, though...

[Luet]

I am so, so, so sad. Hurt and disappointed and feeling like I don't matter. I had a good 5 minute sob this afternoon.

[neo-dragon]

Dear Bob,

I sort of feel like someone owes me an apology for the totally undeserved silent treatment from a couple of nights ago.

Just saying...

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

A campy G.C. Levine book, Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson's "Winter Song" streaming in the background, a Chai warmed (or rather, cooled as it started out piping hot) to perfection, a blanket draped over my legs, and a puppy sleeping near and sometimes on me...for a very short while, I was living a simple dream.


Life, on the other hand, is more complicated and messy than that.

I much prefer the dream.

[Gravity Defier]

*sputter*

*nosedive*

*CRASH!*


I saw this coming. Too bad I couldn't stop it, despite putting up my best fight.

[human.]

Hey Bob,

So I just found out that one of my closest friends, one of the few people I honestly love in this world, absolutely hates me. It's funny, he's a very good actor. I hate when people hate me. It makes me feel absolutely horrible. But he never showed me anything but compassion. But the worst part is he hated me because I was with another guy, who I'm still with, and not with him. Two years ago. And he just now lets on that he hates me. And I want to call him a jerk, but to be honest, I still love him. He was the closest friend I ever had besides my boyfriend, and I miss him.

Thanks for listening.

Kelsey.

[Luet]

Bob,

I don't think it's something that I've talked about on here, Bob, but I don't speak to my dad. At all. As in, if I saw him in public (which is possible since we live 5 minutes apart), I would walk right past him. I do not feel the least bit bad about this because I have many very valid reasons for having come to feel how I do. My brothers feel the same. My dad is an evil, vile person who treats everyone around him in a horrible manner. I do everything I can to keep a semblance of a relationship with his wife and my two half-brothers, aged 8 and 10.

Yesterday my stepmom called me to watch them for a couple hours while she and my dad went to a couples therapy appt. It had been almost a year since I had seen the boys. I was looking at my dad's bookcase and saw all of his OSC books (which I introduced him to years and years ago). I started to tell the 10 year old about Ender's Game and he told me that my dad and he had already read it together and were now reading Speaker. He really liked it, which was cool.

The thing that seemed really odd to me was how different my dad's bookshelf was from my own. My dad is very neurotic about most things in his life, even compulsive. My bookshelf is arranged by genre, author, series, etc. His bookshelf had no organization to it at all. All of the books were haphazardly stuck in without regard to author or series or anything. It just struck me as really, really out of character for him AND for our gene pool.

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,

For the first time since moving here, I finally, truly believe that everything is going to be ok.

No. It's going to be great.

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

Today I dropped my pen. My nice pen. It's a fountain pen, and it landed on the nib. And gold is a soft metal.

I hope I can fix it sufficiently so that I can write with it. I can't afford to get a new nib for it right now.

~Rei

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

My mother and I have gotten very close over the past few years. So it was rather surprising that her birthday call sparked annoyance feelings from both sides.

But then, we never could talk about money. I should really try to have those conversations with my father and just graciously change the subject when she brings it up. Particularly when she's telling me something I already know.

Future wisdom, I suppose, right?

Anyways, it was still a good talk. We didn't fight or anything. We're probably just too much alike on that particular subject.

[daPyr0x]

Bob, you're going to be my meta-journal tonight.

I've been doing a lot of self-discovery and intrapersonal thinking lately. I often vent things in here or my LJ. I find that when I'm writing at my most emotional, I tend to jump around a lot. I describe how I'm feeling with multiple metaphors layered on top of each other, some as examples and others just because they seem relevant. That's not true, others because that's my last veil of defense.

I can't help but wonder if anyone else could possibly understand the jibberjabber I write. Both from a linguistic and an empathetic view. Because the truth is, I don't understand me. I mean, I know why I am who I am, I've delved that far into myself. I just...have some unreasonable theologies I can't shake. And I've never understood that.

I'm forcing myself to do something I'm not sure I want to tonight. That's not true, I know I want to. I've wanted to since I moved here. I just... Who wants to go to a bar by themselves? Why am I? Because I love music, and from what I read, it's the best local place for live music. The unfortunate part is that going to a bar, even "just for the music," automatically infers socializing. Socializing automatically infers awkwardness, which usually leads to ridicule, and finally, rejection. Of course, there's always the plausibility that rejection isn't the final answer.

I remember this kid I went to high school with. He got on the bus a couple stops after me, almost every single day for 4 years. He had quite the large frame, and wasn't terribly bright (I think he was in the special education program, but I can't remember for sure now). Now, unfortunately for him, his bus stop was shared by the 3 "badass" kids in the area. For 4 years I watched them torment him daily, calling out stuff from the back of the bus, pushing him around, all kinds of stuff. 2 years in to high school I noticed something, he hung around them more, started dressing like them, picked up pot, tried to be cooler, etc. You may be wondering how those numbers worked though, see, he continued to hang around them, even try to joke with them (though they constantly went over his head, it was actually kinda amusing to my third party ears), but the truth of the matter is that they never saw him as anything more than a joke. I don't want to be him either.

And yet, no matter how much better I assure myself I am than him, the truth remains that most of the time I was sitting on the bus alone.

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

My pen can write again! It's still scratchy, but that I can write with it at all is cause for much rejoicing!

~Rei

[mazer]

Dear Bob,

Long time no talk. I took my comparative essay and multiple choice quiz in history today. Well that is not true.... I had to take the multiple choice during lunch. That is what I get for faking sick I guess. I think I did good on them though. They were about imperialism which spanned everything from the American/French revolution and Adam's free trade vs. Marx & Engal's communism, to European occupation of foreign lands post colonial period. Mr. Spivey says we well be doing a DBQ next time instead of a comparitive which is really good cause I normally beast those. Speaking of Mr. Spivey he is leaving Which sucks cause he is the best history teacher in the world and he knows the ap system inside out.... He is one of the original graders of the ap world history test...

Oh! and that girl that sits next to me in math infront of me in study hall and behind me in spanish, you remember? the hot one. yeah she was talking to me today... *sigh* I thought she was flirt n' but you can never be sure...... you know when you like some one every thing they do seems flirty even when it's not...... I'm prolly just delusional..... I haven't been sleeping much.... Mainly cause I got this new game! Modern warfare 2, It is AWESOME! Multiplayer is energetic and exciting. ..... Campaign on the other hand.... It is is like the first true war game..... It will make you feel like sh!t..... it is a tragedy.... it makes you think... everytime you kill someone you feel like your dieing on the inside..... I read an interesting review that reflect my views on the game almost word for cept I <3 multiplayer more. here is a link. http://www.slate.com/id/2235774/......


Well I gotta go... talk to you later I promise.

~Link[/url]

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

Some days I just wanna quit life.

I am so socially starved I may just have a breakdown. Somehow I'm missing the boat the rest of the planet hopped on. "Check out events put on by your school's student union!" Let's see, nothing today, tomorrow there's a depression awareness campaign, there are some vendors selling eco-friendly Christmas gifts, and the house band is playing at the pub. The rest of the week contains a charity auction, retro night at the bar, and LSFL walk for learning. Whoopedy Doo! I may well be socially starved, but going to events like that where I'm just as starved and I'm surrounded by reminders of that fact, isn't going to help my situation. I at least need to enjoy the event. "Why don't you try a dating site?" Sure, I've spent the last few weeks on one. Made a good profile, initiated contact with women that had shared interests. I'm on a roll...right? Of course, that doesn't get me anywhere when they read and ignore my messages. "Just go anywhere, get comfortable out in social situations;" I'm tired of wandering malls, sitting alone in the library or bookstore, etc. Trust me, I've been getting out. "Take a class," well, outside of the fact that I am, and have made acquaintanceships with a couple classmates, classes unfortunately require money, which I don't have. "Find a group;" I've looked around Meetup, the library's events posting and club listing, there's nothing of interest for me. That's not me being picky, that's me wanting to go to a singles group with other members under 30. "Wow that's pretty exhaustive, you like the internet, why not see if you can find a common-interest forum with a local section you could hang out with;" I actually joined 2 different forums last week. I did my research, found that there at least had been people from my city on them, so I joined, posted looking for people in the area, nothing.

I would so love to fall into any of the easy explanations here. It's gotta be my fault, right? There's clearly something that I'm doing wrong. Normal people don't have this problem.

f*** you normal people.

Okay, you caught me. When I decided that I was going to chase one of my interests and sociability at the same time by going out to what's known as the best place for live music in the town, I did have an opportunity where a pretty girl smiled at me and I did nothing. Yeah, I missed an opportunity. Truth be told I was a little caught off guard by that bar and that interaction, as I'm about the only person there that was under 30. I did meet the bass player in the band, though. Nobody can tell me I'm not trying.

All I want is for once in my life to have a mutual relationship. I want a friend who lives close by. Perhaps I should concede and just spend all my time on campus, I'm sure I'll meet some people there. More friends that are 30+ minutes away, likely don't have their own transportation, that I'll always have to trek to see. I don't need that anymore. If I wanted to drive to see my friends, I'd drive to see my current friends.

I've not even pushed "submit" yet and I already know the response it will receive. Yeah yeah, people are stupid, I'm a great guy, things will look up, these things take time, keep your head up and keep trying, blah, blah, blippity, blah. I've been hearing that s*** my whole life too. Actions speak louder than words, friends, and the actions I've observed don't accurately represent what I keep being told.

Problem is, actions don't tell me where I'm a f******, just that I'm clearly not doing something right.

I give up, Bob.

--Cam

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I don't know if any of my friends actually like me or the things that make me me and no small part of me wonders if I'm just filler when they can't find something better to do or can't be doing what they really want to be doing.

[Dr. Mobius]

I like you, dork. =)

[Confessions]

Bob,

What's so special about that kid? What sets her apart from the more than 100 of her kind?

I was able to come up with several explanations. Of those, I've pretty much ruled out whoreism, nepotism, and a categorical explanation. Therefore, the contenders are randomness and favoritism. Both, I think, are equally likely in my book. Obviously, the latter is the more interesting explanation, and one that would win her second place in my Person of Interest 2009 contest. The first-prize winner is obvious, and won because of his helpfulness and communication abilities. He actually secured his spot by the time summer began. Now, this kid, even with the explanation that sets her way above Mr. Number One morally, still does not win simply because I don't know her. Conversations are key in this competition.

I really think it could be the interesting explanation. And if it is, there's this tiny, tiniest chance this kid is like me, except not. That's my favorite kind.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I just realized it last night. My ex-whatever looked exactly like a younger, skinnier Keith Olbermann. I've always wondered why it is that Keith's expression, when he's pretending to be seriously morally outraged but has this faint smile so that I know that he knows he's full of s***, looked so familiar. As does this weird wounded puppy look he gets occasionally. It just hit me last night. Too funny. Particularly since his all-time hero, aside from what's-his-nuts from the A-Team, was Ronald Reagan. (Remember, this is Bob. Don't judge me.)

[locke]

Bob,

I bought my ticket back for christmas finally, this is the longest I've ever waited to buy that ticket, but I still got a good price (212) and it's direct to the teensy Springfield airport, which I've never flown into.

and I got a geek-tacular reply to a message I sent a few days ago.

also, I really miss having a female to talk with about movies.

I went to bed around midnight last night and woke up at about 7:30 this morning. so refreshing to sleep at a decent hour, I feel great, even with the remnants of my sister's cold still hanging about my nose and throat.