Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I've been meaning to talk to you for days but my head is a mess and let's just say I was feeling discouraged.

Last July, the younger brother of my oldest friend (longest lasting friendship, not oldest aged friend) was arrested in a rather dramatic fashion, for a rather disturbing crime. Federal (felony) charges, even. It devastated her family, who were -understatement- disappointed but also very concerned for him. He admitted to doing it and has been in prison since then. The sentencing finally took place on Monday and by that evening, the story was all over this city via the newspaper's site and the tv news. The next day, it was on the front page. My friend's last name is not so common that people wouldn't wonder if the family was related to him, so they -all educators- have had to deal with a lot of stupidity these past couple days. My friend only talked to two of us about this. She called me on Tuesday and I couldn't help her. I tried to comfort her but what could I say other than "I'm so sorry" and "People will forget soon" and "Your brother got lucky, all things considered" and "This really sucks"? Even were we in the same room, I couldn't hug her. She doesn't allow people to hug her. I did try to tell her I knew a bit about what it was like, granted on a much different scale...I don't know. I suck at helping people.

Then, last week, there was Jacob. Jacob is the older brother of my little brother's old best friend and the younger brother of my old best friend/first major crush. He got into a car accident last week and was flown up to Phoenix, the injuries were so bad. He died today. My heart goes out to his family, both his brothers, his sister, and his parents. But I'd be lying if I said I was deeply saddened by it because of a connection to him specifically. I'm not heartless, I promise; I do feel for his family and it's a terrible tragedy when anyone dies. But I didn't know him well, so all I could think about when I heard the news was his older brother, my friend. I wondered how badly he was taking it, if he had someone in his life besides his parents and siblings to help him through this, I wondered how life was treating him before this happened. The last time I saw him was January of 2003 and I was so excited from having finished 1st for my age division in my first 5k run. He gave me a smile that would have melted anyone's heart when I cheerily held up my little medal. I thought about how he was the reason I fought against my mom's wish to leave this city after the divorce was final; leaving AZ for San Diego was not an option for my younger self, not when this guy lived in AZ. He was one of the only kids to be nice to me here and I wasn't giving that up. I thought about all the hours we spent, sitting next to each other in 5th grade, and in all our gifted classes. He was always happy and now, losing his brother? I just hope someone is there for him. I haven't had feelings for him in 12 years and I haven't talked to him in 6...but he'll always be special to me.

Coming back to my family...

I saw my little brother Wednesday for lunch. He was with friends, so I didn't get to talk to him like I would have liked to but I was so excited and happy to see him that he told me my smiling and laughing made him think I was plotting something evil. He seemed happy to see me, though, and looked happy overall; he sounded so sad during our last phone call that I felt like crap for not being able to help him. He'll be swinging through town again on Saturday and then we'll meet up in Phoenix soon for our Fall Out Boy concert. Maybe that will help the both of us to be a bit happier.

My dad was supposed to take me to lunch today, since he couldn't do it on my birthday. Shock of all shocks, my dad let me down. He didn't even call to let me know it wasn't happening.


My oldest brother asked my mom what he could do to earn some money; she told him to help clean around the house. I should be happy about it but really, it just left me with less to do and I just about died of boredom today. Funny how that works. I complain about him doing nothing and when he does do stuff, it gives me free time and I hate that. It lets me think and I don't want to do that.

I was thinking about how I'm two weeks out from my one year 'anniversary.' About how I can go to the judge on the 21st of April and beg for him to wipe my record. I was thinking that if he doesn't, I have two more years of having to compete in a tough economy with people who don't have a record, and deal with people who see me check yes and write on the lines why I answered yes and think I'm some incompetent, untrustworthy criminal. No one wants to hire me for even low paying s*** jobs because I'm 'overqualified.' Or so a few have said.

I was thinking it would have been better to have been given jail time because they give inmates jobs in there. I still would have been bored, miserable, and a drain on someone's pocket but at least I'd have a good reason for the first two and it wouldn't be my mom I'm (directly) hurting financially. I keep thinking it might be a good idea to request being put in on the 21st if I'm denied my freedom from probation.

But if I do get that wipe? Honestly, I'm frightened no matter what the outcome is. I'll still have things to explain in interviews and on applications, like why I was out of work and why I didn't wait until June to leave the last job and why I don't have any references...I might still end up in the military. They only need me to be off probation for 3 months before I'm as good as theirs. I don't want that but I won't shy away if it's my only option after all this time.

I also keep thinking that it's highly likely I'll lose him. I don't know any other way to word that. I know that should be the least of my concerns and life will take care of things if I do, but I can't pretend it won't completely suck until life has been back long enough to erase the reminders of why I want to spend time with the guy. Damn time zones. Damn distance. Damn me for not keeping my distance emotionally. Mostly damn me.

This next part, I feel like I should put spoilers but I'll just say, if anyone comes in here and plans to read A Doemain Of Our Own, be warned of spoilers popping up in the next paragraph.

That comic broke my heart, as I read through the ones dealing with her divorce and what led to it. I was wanting to blame him or her, just someone because it was all the more tragic that no one was (more/mostly) to blame. That he made it clear he wanted kids and she wanted to give it a shot and couldn't. How could she know that she couldn't until they tried and failed? I don't know that I want to have kids. No, I do know that I want them but am scared enough by the thought to seriously consider not having them. I also know I want the option at the very least and I hope I end up with someone who is okay with either decision. But this scared me because my mom and grandmother have both had multiple issues. Both had miscarriages, both had hysterectomies and my mom was told she shouldn't be able to have any more kids after my older brothers were born. I know doctors can be wrong and my little brother and I are proof that they were in this case...but I also know that that history is not stacking the odds in my favor. Susan Rankin was younger than 30 when she had her surgeries. I'm inching closer to 30 and don't even have a guy in my life who is interested in me romantically, haven't since 2006, and have always been behind in these developmental milestones. Even women without a family history such as mine are warned against being too old when they have children. What if I want them and can't have them? I know I shouldn't worry until it's more of a reality that I even consider getting pregnant, but I'm a natural worrier (thanks, Mom).

I just feel like I'm going to break, spending all my time thinking about what I want and how everything I want is currently unattainable.

There's more, Bob, there's always more. But I don't want to outstay my welcome so I'll keep it to myself. Thanks for being here for me.

Much later ETA:

Frustration, thy name is Alea. There are two spoons left in this house. Two. Just 3 months ago we had at least 5 or 6...and the reason we had so few then was because they were being used over the years by my brother for his habit and my mom refuses to buy more lest they should disappear, too. When cleaning out the garage bit by bit, we've found quite a few of them with residue on the one side and black from the fire on the other. He really can't be so stupid to be using again *optimism* so where in the hell did the other spoons go?

[locke]

Update on my car:

I took it to the shop on Tuesday around 11am. asked for an estimate.

called them at about 5 and they had nothing, I was told they wanted to make a completely right call and give me an accurate estimate rather than rush it and get it wrong, they'd need to keep it over night. called back around seven and there was still someone there working on it, my coworker drove me over so I could pick up some things from the car. There was no overnight charge.

Got a call the next day around 3pm, the estimate was for around $451, The gasket on the exhaust manifold next to the 02 sensor was not sealed properly and was sucking air away from the sensor. this was making the sensor read light up front and the rear sensor read rich, which meant the car pumped more gas than it needed into the engine and it was the cause of the hydrocarbon readings. Additionally the 02 sensor itself was jacked because it was performing so erratically due to the issue with the bad gasket seal. The bolts holding the exhaust manifold in were rusted into place and shorn off, so they would have to be replaced. In other words, they'd need the car til tomorrow.

I call them around 5:15 thursday. There was one additional problem, their was a secondary leak on the pipe running from the catalytic converter to the exhaust manifold. the gasket and pipe had to be replaced and again, the bolts were rusted in place and had to be drilled out. no mention was made of changing the estimate, but they'd need to keep it another night. the guy mentioned many times the truck was "a nightmare and a half" I ask them to smog it too since there's a smog station there as well.

Call the guy around 3:15 today and the car is up and running good, and quiet and all seems to be well, I get a call back about thirty minutes later saying it's finally finished, but when the mechanic was driving it around to both test it and ready the computer for the smog test (if the test is too soon after the computer has been wiped it will fail as they will suspect shenanigans, which I found out last time I smogged this car) he got pulled over for expired tags! luckily the cop let him go once he explained the situation. The garage owner did suggest I tip the mechanic who stayed working late on the car a couple nights. I figured I would if the estimate stayed the same.

The car passed smog and the reductions were across the board incredible, performing wonderfully!

And then I went to pay. the guy apologized to me as he handed me the bill, "sorry about that, the extra five dollars on top of the original estimate is for a gasket we didn't know we'd need." I said, "don't worry about it."
Yup, despite several extra days of labor they stuck to their original call on the estimate. and they called the problem correctly too. Brilliant. I've found a trustworthy, reliable and excellent mechanic/garage. I'm elated. I gave them a hundred dollar tip (somewhat over twenty percent). and oooh does my car run good now.

[lyons24000]

Dear Bob,

I've hit Pweb Manhood today. And now I quit for the night.

Finally
Me

[Wil]

locke: That's awesome news!

Bob,

My cousins wife is pregnant again! This is AWESOME. Why am I so happy? I'm finally going to get to see someone, who I know, pregnant! Plus, I have this weird thing where I want to feel a baby kicking in a tummy... and I've never got to experience that. If they let me. >.>

Wil

[BonitoDeMadrid]

Bob,

Because of a stupid leak in a pipe located in my room's wall, we need to clear everything outta there, and I'll move to my brother's room for a couple of days until the fixing ends.

This is troubling for me, because I'm really connected to my room. It's my favorite place in the entire world, my little sanctuary, with the computer and the TV. What's more, since we'll be moving anyway in a few months (to the apartment below us; we need to fix the leak so that the remodeling in our new apartment goes well) I feel completely lost.

I'm a man of routine; I don't like changes. And now they strike me all at once.

~BdM

[locke]

Bob,

Worst
Night
Ever.

It sucked so bad. actually it was a pretty good night until about 12:30 or so. I'd been debating for the previous hour or so if I should get ice cream or not. I still hadn't tried the hagan daaz five coffee flavor and I was craving a pint. I was fighting off the desire to go buy it (curse having a grocery store a half block away!) and eventually I gave in.

I stepped out of my apartment, pulled my door shut while locking it, and then tapped my pockets for the keys.

No keys.

I was locked out.

no problem, I figure, I'll call my roommate who's inside sleeping and have her come open the door for me.

Her number is not in my phone.

I remember putting it into my phone and typing in her name. perhaps I didn't hit save, after that, but apparently her number is not in my phone.

so I call my next roommate, who is not home but probably up. No answer. I text her as well, hoping I might get a reply that way. no luck. I call my last roommate who's an hour away at her parents house in Laguna, she answers wondering why I'm waking her up at 1 in the morning, I explain, she doesn't have my roommates number either, since she has a new phone herself. she does mention our neighbor an elderly jewish woman has a spare though, which was news to me.

I commence to knocking. For about five minutes. no response from my roommate. I try ringing my neighbors bell once, no response. I knock some more, probably for another ten minutes. My neighbors down stairs were already awake and eventually came to the door. I apologized, profusely and explained the situation. They were kind enough to invite me in and they pounded on their ceiling underneath my roommates room while I knocked on the door some more to no response. I borrow their phone book and call a locksmith.

one-hundred and sixty dollars, but what can I do. I tell them to come. they say about thirty five minutes.

twenty five minutes later I hear someone outside. I go outside and it's the police. My neighbor Sheila had woken up, as had her daughter, and her granddaughter, and frightened she'd called the police.

She proceeded to give me the most severe tongue lashing of my entire life. I did my best to be apologetic, humbled, contrite, and polite.

She threatens me with telling our landlords, the apartment board, threatens me with eviction and reminds me this isn't a first time (my roommates have been locked out late at night as well, though I wasn't aware of it). She tells me how irresponsible and useless and rude I am, and how badly she was frightened and that the baby is crying and on and on. It was definitely the most brutal dressing down I've ever undergone.

then she turns on a dime and tells me she'll let me in this once and that I'm never to have any contact with her again. and I'm never to ring her doorbell again, etc. the police leave and no report or incident is filed. ugh.

she lets me in my apartment, and then turns and smiles sweetly to me and says, "and I won't call your landlords, I'm not a tattle tale."

then as I'm down thanking my downstairs neighbor and getting their number in case of another emergency, I get a call from the locksmith, which I haven't had a chance to call and cancel. I give him what cash I have, but he's not happy that I don't need his services anymore. but hey he got some gas money.

Then as I walk back into my apartment, I get a return text from my roommate with the phone number I don't have. thanks, perfect timing there.

To cap it all off, two minutes ago my 'asleep' roommate walks in. she was out clubbing tonight. and she locked herself out of her car and had tried calling me only to discover that she didn't have my number either, she though she had it, but apparently she didn't.

Too f****** much. too unrealistic. Hopefully this night won't get any worse.

[Jayelle]

Dear Bob,

Ginny is seven months old today. Holy crap, where did the time go? She's also sick for the first time. It's so hard to watch my little girl all stuffed up and coughing. She's so miserable and not sleeping, therefore I'm miserable and not sleeping.

JL

[Wil]

I know I'm not supposed to reply to Bob posts, but...

Locke:

I think you over reacted. I think all the banging and knocking was a little unneeded, and I also think the locksmith was overkill. You could have rang your doorbell for a few minutes, gave up, and went to get that thing of ice cream. I'm assuming you had your wallet? Even if you didn't, you didn't need to freak out like that. It wasn't life or death that you get in to your apartment RIGHT THEN AND THERE, especially given that it was a Saturday night. You could have simply waited. Your room mate, if they had been there would have eventually been in a light enough sleep to hear your ringing. Or your room mate would have walked up to the front of the apartment complex and went "Hey! What are you doing out here?!".

*shrugs*

[locke]

there's no doorbell and I was certain my roommate was home.

[BonitoDeMadrid]

Bob (and everybody else on Pweb who reads this- I just couldn't find the thread where this fits)

Positive side of the book report assignment we got today: Ender's Game is on the "recommended books" list (along with classics like The Hobbit, Lolita and Lord of the Flies, if anyone's interested), so I was hoping my friends can finally read it, and if only because they're forced to.

Negative side: Even after I told them that the book is amazing, and it is probably the best book I've ever read or heard of (and I believe that wholeheartedly), my dumb friends don't wanna read it. That's what you get for having (mostly) non-geeky friends. And still, it upsets me.

Also, I can't do my book report on it- because I my previous book report on the story. Maybe the teacher will agree if I propose Ender's Shadow?

In conclusion: I want to experience that feeling I had after the first reading of Ender's Game (and I've read it a couple dozen times since), and I want to have somebody at school to talk to about it, who's fresh from reading it the first time. And I'm slightly frustrated that I can't get that somebody, or that feeling back.


Which reminds me: Bob, did you ever feel, after experiencing an amazing thing for the first time- did you ever feel a little sad for not being able to have that feeling again? The feeling of not knowing what will come next, the feeling of being thrilled, laughing your heart out, whatever, for the first time and not knowing what comes next in this great thing you're reading/seeing/whatnot. God, I wish there was a memory eraser for stuff like this.

[locke]

Bob,

dinner was a good time. I got to see the newleyweds and hear all about their honeymoon. they've apparently had a blast, my best friend and I gave them their wedding/shower presents, which were a hit. I know Genette so well that even though they don't have a registry (because they said they pretty much have all the stuff you'd get from a registry already, and the stuff they don't have is stuff they'd never use) it was items they were delighted to receive, and actually were probably the three things they might have put on a registry anyway. We got them a Cuisinart ice cream maker with extra bowl (genette loves making ices and ice creams, using liquid nitrogen is her favorite method), she saw it and was like, "oooh we can have ice cream parties now!". And an aero press to make coffee at home or in the lab, and a coffee grinder to go with it. and I stuck in two pear mugs with a 1/2 lb bag of peruvian organic coffee from my favorite coffee shop in LA. I also hand made a wedding card to go with it. I took the bacon ice cream comic from three panel soul (which is basically Genette channeled into cartoon form) and did a free hand blow up of it with fine tip sharpie onto some of my stationary. Then on the inside of the card' I did a freehand blowup of Genette's triumphant bacon ice cream stance, no dialogue, just their names and the pictures, with a pony tail added to Tim's cartoon form, and a beret added to Genette's. And I wrote Congratulations over the bacon ice cream pose. (I did attribute it on the back of the card). Then I cut a piece of stationary in half and wrote out a note, which I and my best friend signed, I brought the other piece of stationary for her to write a note to go with if she liked, but she balked at the idea and was like, 'ruuuurrrr, can't I just sign?!" I think the card went over best of all, and they recognized which particular comic it was from from 3PS right away.

It was a delightful evening of conversation, comraderie and chatter. I think perhaps I'm to the point where I can be friends with Genette again. I went through a long period where we were still friends after she dumped me for Tim, and then went through another period, about the same length where I resented her and the impact/control she had over my life for about the same length of time. But now that she is married and not a virgin anymore, I dunno, seems like I can let myself be friends with her again, rather than loathing everything about her. I started down this path of forgiveness, I suppose, though that's not really the right concept or word, when I allowed myself to start learning japanese in January (with the My Japanese Coach for the DS). I wish I could have the chance to see if my relationship side is still in shambles because of her, but I've not gotten past a second date or into a deep emotional attachment to those I dated longer, since her. I want to know if I can have a relationship with someone else, or if that side of me is still deeply attuned to her eccentricities, interests and tastes, that I'm still impaired, I'd really like to have a relationship to fall in love and get my heart broken if need be just to know if I can recalibrate to someone else. I've had a couple close calls on that recently. girls I liked who they were (and how we were together) immensely and desired them so strongly that given time I could have easily fallen in love with them but both of those girls cut me off long before things could get more serious than a date or two (the girls I dated longest since genette I was not as into them physically but I liked their personality and how we were together).

I dunno, I feel sort of ambivalent about the whole fact that they're married and 'on their way' so to speak now, even though both are still in grad school for ages yet. I'm thrilled for them. but I'm worried about myself and the fact that it's been more than five years since she dumped me and I haven't had anything that was lasting and meaningful since then, I've known many wonderful girls and been on many dates but I'm at the point of wondering what the hell is wrong with me that that's all it is. Just dates after dates and then they dump or I dump or we both dump at the same time. I don't really think I'm defective, but maybe that's really what's going on. Just so different that no one is really interested in me or gets me, I still hope, but it's a faded and battered hope by now, verging on the bitter and resentful. Perhaps I will be able to remain upbeat, and perhaps the only woman I'll ever really know is already married to someone she clicked with and didn't just put up with, as she so often reminded me that she was putting up with me. because the really depressing thing, Bob, is that even that one relationship that had real meaning? That was virtually one sided. 90% my effort, while she was mostly along for the ride finding out what this whole 'having a boyfriend' thing was like.

sigh, why is everything on that side of things so frustrating and unfulfilling and ultimately empty in my experiences? Makes me want to hate the whole damned gender for being so impossible and out of my reach/league/class, for seeming to only deign to notice me for a brief moment and then discard me nothing worthwhile. women. driving me f****** crazy.

[Luet]

Bad news: I got my other two wisdom teeth out today.
Good news: I got to meet a hawk in person yesterday!

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Jacob's funeral was this morning; my brother drove in from Tucson for it. I felt and still feel so guilty, ashamed, and awkward for the things I was thinking during the mass.

I got to see his brothers and mom, and gave each a hug.

Since my dad also went, he finally made good on that lunch he owed me and my mom and little brother joined in.

After my brother took off, I fell asleep after staring into space for a bit. When I woke up, I stared off into space again until my mom came home with an application for me to fill out. It's for one of the 2, maybe 3 jobs I have applied for and desperately wanted for the job and not the money.

I feel so out of it and really just want lots of real hugs.

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,

A person in the biz whom I have never met, admire greatly, and whose career inspires me heard about me, ME, by word of mouth and based on my reputation and the things she heard she called me up today to invite me to get drinks with her on Friday night so that she can discuss more fully the details under which she wants me to sign on to her company. This is not something I applied for. This woman has never met me or corresponded with be before. This is solely based on my reputation. And it is AMAZING. I could only DREAM of working under this person.

On my way home tonight I got a call that immediately quenched my celebration. My best friend has been admitted into the hospital for the third time this year. Her mother just called to tell me that she's been heavily sedated since yesterday and is thus unable to speak to me, but her mom knows that Julie would want me to know what's going on. It's clear that she is far more ill than anyone anticipated, and it's looking more and more like she has another medical issue or disease aside from crohn's and one that's significantly more dangerous. But they don't know what the f*** it is.

Her mom started talking as if there were serious concerns over whether or not this was going to cause any permanent damage....or.


I will give up my Friday night interview with no complaints, none, not one, if she can just get out of the damn hospital and be healthy again.

[shadow-petra]

My God, Bob...

I haven't visited Pweb in a while...I miss you guys! I think I stopped when we were having a drought period...

umm, Nothing much has happened since last time. I'm at Emerson College, studying Marketing communiation: Advertising and PR. Frickin long ass name, it's kinda annoying to say. But when you say marketing, people are like 'oh marketing, research, boring things' Advertising and PR kinda liven things up, I guess.

College life is great! I've met a lot of new people, we hang out alot, gossip about the other people, do crazy things that should be sent to MTV. In fact, one of my friends is doing a documentary on the crazy suite we tend to hang out in. It's interesting, definately worth the time.

I have work, with a manager I cannot stand, for the life of me. I'm trying to get out, but no one hiring except for, of course, the place I work at...because they're idiots and don't need anymore people!

Work and college pretty much fills up my time. It's really fun. I'm hoping to break into the food industry when they do start hiring later. and hopefully I can juggle an internship I'm looking at right now. I'll stay longer, Bob. I promise you'll hear more from me. =)

[locke]

Bob, my student loan payment, today, takes me about twenty three dollars shy of having paid off 10,000 of the original principal of my student loans. I've paid down more than that in principal because of capitalized interest, but it's another cool milestone coming up. Good thing I didn't do the math until after I made the payment or I'd have adjusted my payment to make sure I reached that milestone this week instead of next. :-p

otoh, my credit card balance seems obscene. then I remembered I've put four flights and car repairs on it recently. it'll all be paid off shortly, but I hate having that extra liability to pay out of my pay check every week. I love having no credit card balance and it's pretty easy to maintain, except when you buy two seasons worth of plane tickets within two weeks of each other. :-p That said the balance is so much smaller than what I used to carry before I took strict control of my finances, but still, I like that when I see that number I go, "UGH! obscene! Kill you in three weeks!" rather than, 'oh well, i'll pay that off sooner or later.'

I'm also annoyed that the last three nights I haven't done a lesson on my japanese coach DS game. that's the worst streak I've had since I bought the wonderful game. need to be sure to do a lesson tonight.

otoh, one of those three nights I got some much needed revisions into the screenplay, and any progress on that front is good news.

I'm also frustrated that I have little to no motivation to watch movies at home, instead I wind up killing time, thus, I've had my three movies from netflix for ages, and that's just a waste of money, maybe I can get through those this weekend, since there's not much interesting at the theaters I haven't seen other than Sin Nombre.

I'm very excited for next week, on my mom's birthday, april 1st, they're showing two of my favorite Billy Wilder films as a double feature, The Apartment, which is in my top five all time, and One, Two Three. It will be a night of hilarity. Then they're showing two double feature of Pasolini films next weekend. I want to see all of them, and some of them are hard to see, so it's exciting, it also means giving a dreaded revisit to Salo, a film that I was not mature enough for in 2001 and that made me extremely uncomfortable then. I'm curious to revisit it now with a whole lot more life experience under my belt. It will certainly be an interesting experience to see in the theatre :-/

And yay! shadow-petra returned to posting!!!

also I'm looking forward to see the pweb reaction on april 1st.

[Wil]

Hey Bobbay...

I got a letter in the mail. From the US District Court. It is a "Juror Qualification Questionnaire". It isn't a summons, thank God, but it means that I could be selected within the next year to be a juror.

They better not select me.

I would gladly do it in the summer, but otherwise I am not willing to be a juror while in college. It is unfair to me as a student to be forced to miss classes simply because they may or may not need my services.

I've read that you can actually get out of jury duty if you are a full time student, though, so hopefully if they ever do summon me I can just get out of it that way.

One thing, though... I feel like an adult more than ever today by getting this. >.>


Oh, unrelated, I got game engine's scripting counterpart to finally accept input. Woohoo!

With Love,
Wil

[locke]

When I got called for jury duty I fretted and fretted about it. I did not want to miss work. Then I finally showed up on the day they asked for me and no one was there, the other potential jurors and I milled about in the jury holding room (a lounge of sorts) for about a half hours and then a court clerk came up to dismiss us and give us stamped paperwork that said we'd shown up and had therefore fulfilled our obligations as jurors. No jury duty for me, woohoo!

[Mich]

Oh, unrelated, I got game engine's scripting counterpart to finally accept input. Woohoo!

Speaking of this, anyone else ever messed with Virtools? Ridiculous engine, entirely node-based (which makes it very easy to describe to my engineering, IC-thinking friends), but pretty powerful. I've been messing around with it for the past two months, used it to make a Google Earth/Amazon Trail-hybrid for one of my classes, and, let me tell you, there's nothing more satisfying than thinking "I need to do this, so the node that will do it is probably named something along these lines," then throwing things together and having them work.

Of course, it would be much simpler to just see the God-forsaken code every once in a while, but learning new languages, even if they're entirely visual, is devilishly fun.

[locke]

bob,
Yay! I got all my netflix watched. now if I can finish getting all the edits into the script I'll be really happy with my weekend.

I also kicked ass at work today and got a whole lot accomplished.

[daPyr0x]

Well, Bob. Yesterday was my birthday. I'm sure you'd wish me a happy birthday if you could talk back (oh yeah, didn't somebody make that 'Bob' username a while back?). This weekend has seriously been one of the best in my life.

I split my weekend up between my girlfriend and my brothers, and now I'm spending today with my mom. Angela went very far out of her way to make me feel like a million bucks, and she succeeded. She cooked me dinner both nights, and had homemade shortbread cookies, chocolate covered goods, and the fondue pot I gave her on her birthday all loaded up. It was delicious, and incredibly endearing just how much effort she went through.

I started to open one of the gifts she got me, and I could tell rather quickly that it was a frame. Suddenly, a jolt of "oh no... it is way too soon to have a big framed picture of us" came over me as I continued to unwrap, and it was a framed poem she had written for me. It was really sweet, a little romantic, and a little mushy; but I'm fine with that. Whereas a picture just seems to be too much too soon, the poem is just...right. When all was said and done, I was just completely speechless; I couldn't put my emotions into words (...that I'm allowed to use...).

I got to spend time with both Adam and Steve on the weekend as well, which was awesome. I so rarely get to hang out with Steve when he's not with Breanne, it was a good time. I hung out with Adam some the next day. We didn't do much other than have lunch and play Rock Band, but that was totally fine with me.

All things considered, I've had an absolutely great birthday so far; and my mom's taking me out for dinner tonight to continue the trend.

This is what it feels like...

--Cam

[BonitoDeMadrid]

Hi Bob,

I don't know what to call today. Wierd? Depressing? Mania-Depressing? Happy yet thoughtful? The last one, I believe, was closest.

The day actually started well: the first 2 hours of school were canceled. Too bad I forgot about it, and actually came to school, all ready- as did a female friend of mine.
We went to the school's library, me to do some math homework, her to just lay down. After a while I got bored with the homework, so I lay down near her (with her 'permission', of course) as we were both trying- somewhat unsuccessfully- to take a nap.
It was both a happy and unhappy moment; happy, because I really like this girl and I love spending time with her- unhappy, because I think I love her, and she thinks of me only as a friend, and not even a very close one.
When we lay down there and she was actually napping, there were so many times I just wanted to move my fingers through her hair, to feel her body- I was really attracted to her. But when I'm at home, I don't think of her (or any other girl) all the time, just when I'm reflecting on the day's events.
Also, I'm afraid to tell her my true feelings- if those really are my true feelings, as I feel similarly about 2 other girls (though not at that much power), and maybe I'm just lovesick; because it may - actually, will- destroy our friendship. And I prefer certainly being around her, while keeping my feelings inside, to being cast away from her but having taken this boulder off my heart.
But she loves most of the things I love, and she has her nerdy sides as well, much like me (though while I "focus" on gadgets and such, she's a history major, so she rarely displays them) and we will go so well together.
Until the part where we'll break up, which will probably be my fault and will come sooner than later. Because I tend to overdo for the relationships that I care about; and most people think that's wrong, to be "so much" in love at our age.

After that, the day actually went really well; we played handball in sports class, I got a good grade in the recent math test, my favorite basketball team won by 22 points difference. But the 1.5 hour above affected all day.

~BdM

P.S.: No computer for 3 days, Bob. Have I mentioned how I hate moving? and how I hate that the stupid pipe that exploded had to explode in MY room, and because it'll effect the remodeling of our new apartment, we need to work on it now?

Yes, it has to be done. Yes, it better be done earlier than later. No, I still don't like it.

[locke]

Bob, great day yesterday, s***** day today, I got slapped, so to speak, or kicked in the fork. Just goes to show I should stick to my first instinct and take control over a breakup, it works better if its on my terms.

in other news, today reminded me of how angry a coworker inadvertently made me on friday, we were all sitting down at lunch, and I walked in and sat down as she was in the middle of describing, "I love You Man" and laughing about it, she said, "I've dated soooo many guys like that *chuckles* they're so loyal, like puppies, it's pathetic and really sad." Hearing that really set me off into an internal rage because it felt like I was getting mocked to my face by all the girlfriends that have looked upon me with the same sort of bemused pity. I'm not necessarily even like that all the time, but hearing the open scorn for all generic nice guys from someone I had thought was a decent person really set me off. f*** all women, that was the mood I was in friday, and that's the mood I'm in again today.

[Wil]

f*** bitches, get money?

[locke]

Bob!

I finished that script corrections/new drafts/polish! finally! nearly two years after I finished the first draft. :-p it wasn't so hard when I sat down for a few hours to put all the red ink changes in. and there's still another ten pages near the end that I could cut back on somewhat easily though it'd hurt a bit. I'm reallyi proud of the first 100 pages or so which I think are really tight and flows well, is exciting, funny and enjoyable. Now if only it were actually an original rather than an adaptation. :p lol.

[locke]

Bob, I got my car registered this morning! woohoo
that said I figured I'd get out to my car early, setting my alarm at 7:30 so I could hopefully be at the DMV by 8:00 or a little after, I got to my car at 8:10 and the damned parking f****** had already been around and given me yet another $25 ticket for expired tags. at least this is the last one I'll get! still, frustrating to get one on this day. especially when registering car cost another 156 on top of the 450 I spent getting it repaired to pass smog, the 50 for the smog test/certificate, and the 900+ I wasted at the dealership while they spent three days not fixing it but making it perform worse every time they retested it.

Still over and done with, with only the credit cards to pay off. :-p

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

Avoidance is causing me angst again. I'm trying to cut the angst/self-blame/etc. and just move to a harm-reduction model. Get over the anxiety and self-loathing and shame and deal with what is instead of what I wish were or what I'm afraid might be. Etc.

It's working better in theory than in practice, but I think I'm making strides.

I keep a coin in my shoe most days. When I notice it's there, I remind myself why what I am supposed to be doing or what I want to do for the day is rewarding. It helps.

Of course, trouble is, a lot of what I want to do is at home and at home I do not wear shoes.

[elfprince13]

"I've dated soooo many guys like that *chuckles* they're so loyal, like puppies, it's pathetic and really sad." Hearing that really set me off into an internal rage because it felt like I was getting mocked to my face by all the girlfriends that have looked upon me with the same sort of bemused pity. I'm not necessarily even like that all the time, but hearing the open scorn for all generic nice guys from someone I had thought was a decent person really set me off. f*** all women, that was the mood I was in friday, and that's the mood I'm in again today.

It makes me even angrier when I think of all the girls I know who would do anything to date a nice guy who actually cares about them, and that this is the message nice guys get sent by society.


Bob: I have words for you. We'll talk later when I figure out what they are.

[edit]

Dear Bob,
I'm feeling lost and slightly overwhelmed right now. The girl I've been in love with for the past year-and-a-half+ (and who's been one of my closest friends for 2 years+) told me on Sunday that she realized our plans for the future can't happen. We always knew we'd hit some snags because of our religious differences, but we'd always decided to work through them together before this. I still love her, and everything I can see says she still loves me, but we also know that neither of us are interested in the emotional messes and other weirdness that comes with short-term dating, so this is pretty much the end. I'd asked her to tell me if she ever came to that conclusion, because it's better to find out now rather than later, so this isn't entirely unexpected, but it still sucks. All our plans and hopes and dreams down the drain, and we have to go on, knowing that whoever we end up with won't be each other. At least this happened while I was with her, and we could keep pretending things would be the same until I left last night.....when her mother wouldn't even give her the time to get out of the car and give me a proper hug when they dropped me off at the airport. The love we have means I'm sure our friendship will continue for a long time, but it some ways that just makes it harder. Relatedly, her 10 year old cousin told me on Saturday night that I would make an awesome dad (with the implication that she would want to have me as her dad), which only made Sunday + Monday harder.


p.s.
tl;dr version: "My feelings haven't caught up with the decision that our heads made"

[Wil]

[Whine, whine, whine]

image deleted by locke. We have language filters to respect the diverse tastes of our community. clever way to get around it. warned for a month, Wil

[Gravity Defier]

My apologies to Pweb; there is no excuse for me to have publicly posted a grievance concerning a particular member's...posting habits. I'm sorry.


Wil, I'm sorry you are miserable but I am not sorry that I stuck up for myself, just how I chose to go about it. It won't happen again.

[Eddie Pinz]

Bob,

People in this thread have been ignoring you lately. I still like you though Bob. So what's going on??

[buckshot]

Dear Bob, Do you have any pull in the white house ? I'm getting kinda spooked about this Afghanistan and Pakistan strategy bullshit ! Looks like another quagmire to me.

" there is more than one way to look at a problem, and they may all be right. - NORMAN SCHWARZKOPF

[human.]

Dear Bob,

I have realized that I fall in love with pwebbers.

[shadow-petra]

Bob,

I'm just...so confused. About everything. I wish things didn't happen to me. It would make present things so much easier. I don't know if it's the lack of it that's making me feel this way or the presence of the other. Now that I think about it, deleting select memories from my past would probably make it worse. Not knowing the dangers? I'm haunted by it since then. I can't say I would be better off with them, but I can say it would definately help if I didn't have a leash on my life. Living at home won't make it any easier. If I play my cards right, maybe the hold will loosen, and I can find what I'm missing.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I did it. It was scary and weird, yet all-round awesome. If nothing else, it gives me something to use to convince myself to just...let go.

I've come to recognize just how broken I am. Now that I'm in a situation wherein I'm revisiting some of the same pathways I had to transverse the first time, I'm recognizing how different it is this time because of the first time. I'm hoping to push my way through, but I am certainly scared But it's a good scared.

I'm happy in my life, overall. I like it. And this time I'm not relying on anybody else for that - though she helps.

--Cam