Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[Rei]

(((wizzard)))

[locke]

*hugs wizzard* my paternal grandmother passed away a few days after christmas many years ago. It's never easy to deal with a loss like that.

[Violet]

Bob, one of my oldest friends is over, I haven't seen him in a few years. I was told awhile ago that he had bipolar, but I never expected for him to be like this when he came. He is severely paranoid, he doesn't make sense a lot of the time when he talks. He's not who he used to be, he's not the childhood friend who dreamed up so much stupid stuff with me. I don't know how to deal with him.

[Valentine]

What. The. Hell.
I'm trying so hard not to cry. SOMEONE knocked over my 360 and smashed it. It looks like they accidentally dropped furniture on it or something. The faceplate was entirely cracked and dislodged from it. And it won't turn on. If I don't have $400 or a new 360 by the end of the week, I am going to be more mad than this probably warrants. There are BOUNDARIES. Don't mess with people's stuff; and don't ignore things once you break them!!!
I'm pissed because I know it happened today, and my mom's going on and on, "It wasn't me." in a way that makes her seem really suspicious, although I'm SURE it was one of my sisters.
*PISSED*
Today is not my day. I'm sorry to vent like this, but it's just one thing after another, and now I've just about had it. I know it's just a material item; at least it's not a person; things are replacable; all that stuff...
Logically, I know I'm over-reacting being so angry. But DAMMIT, I just want my things respected. I worked hard to get the money to purchase that! And I've already bought TWO now, considering I got one for Cameron way back when, too. I don't want to have to shell out money for a third one.
And I got new video games for Christmas. ARGH.

[Valentine]

Thanks bob, I feel better after venting, LOL.
I also feel better after going into my sister's room and taking back everything she's slowly "borrowed" over the past year. Tons of "new" clothes to try on :-p
I'd been avoiding doing that, because it felt disrespectful to take things without asking. I know that sounds crazy, since they're my things. I just don't like to go into other people's rooms..
I felt I had reason and warrant to do it though, now that I lost my xbox. And I feel MUCH better having reclaimed my stuff. I think I'll redo my room. Bring every video game system in here, so no one can mess with them. Perhaps move my furniture down and stock an old bookcase with my books and the rest of my dvds. Angle my bed so that I can use the consoles. And beg for the smaller plasma to go into my room.
Yay for projects. I'll see what I can do, LOL

[daPyr0x]

Alright first off, *hugs wizzard*

And I've already bought TWO now, considering I got one for Cameron way back when, too.

And I still play it daily (though, it's actually been replaced cuz the first one died)

Onto your regular scheduled Bob post...

Bob,
I'm in a really weird place lately. I don't....I really don't feel like myself. I'm edgier, I'm unsatisfied with everything, and my state of mind just isn't....what it should be. Honestly, I think it's because I'm living with my mom again, and that just drains me. She's super nice and all, almost to a fault; but she's also really inquisitive about my life, which wouldn't be so bad if she weren't so judgmental. I need to leave, and I just keep reminding myself that it's only for a few more weeks...but work just keeps dragging on and on before they figure out what they're going to do with me. Eugh, it's frustrating; and everything that's gone on surrounding the holidays has really not helped this mood, even if I had more of the "holiday spirit" this year than normal.

To change gears, I'm working really hard on improving my social skills lately. I force myself out constantly (half to avoid my mom, half to work on sociability) with different groups of people in different environments trying to force myself to be more comfortable in social situations. Really, I just want two things - first to finally be that sociable guy everybody loves to be around; and second to meet some better quality women, because my record lately is rather lackluster. I'm making baby steps...asked for, and got, for the very first time, a phone number from a girl I met at a bar the other night. Haven't called her, don't plan to, it was more of a proof to myself and my brother (he forced me into the situation because he didn't think I could pull it off) than out of actual interest. Then again, I rarely have actual interest in women I meet, especially at first. I've also managed to have a few women lately show interest in me, in a rather unexpected twist. Typical me, I'm really not interested in any of them for one reason or another; but it feels good to know there's interest there, you know?

You know what my problem is? I'm hypercritical. I am overly critical of people around me based on little insignificant details that I spot; and more importantly, I'm scared s***** that anyone would do the same to me. I guess it's hereditary...or just learned. For instance, because I've already referred to meeting women; if I see a guy try to pick up a girl somewhere and fail miserably (as I've seen quite often, lol) I immediately think "Wow, that guy's an idiot. Hah, I'm better than him" and I go on my merry way. And then when I think about approaching a woman, I immediately think "well, if I do this and it goes wrong, all 300 sets of eyes that will inevitably be on me will think that I'm an idiot and they're all better than me and then it will spread around the entire world that I am an idiot and nobody will like me and I will die a slow lonely painful death" and so I don't do it. Some people have been trying to help me overcome this, but it really doesn't help that I don't really want to. It's my security blanket, my protection. If I'm always thinking about the worst thing that could happen, the most somebody could hurt me by making fun of me, and I work to avoid that; I can't possibly be hurt. Makes a lot of sense to me, doesn't it to you? Really, that's why I have so little interest in women, or most people as a whole. I look for reasons to not like them, reasons that we'd never work out, etc; and I use those to convince myself that I'm not interested. Again, it makes sense to me; why let myself be interested in a church girl when I'm clearly not and that means we could never possibly work out and even if we started seeing each other she'd rip my heart out and stomp on it because I'm a sinner and deserve to be in hell rather than in heaven with her.

Now I know I exaggerate here, but don't let the slight over exaggeration make the severity of this get lost on you; when this thought process goes on in my mind, it is as debilitating as a serious thought process like that would be. If you really thought being made fun of would cause your death, you'd try really hard to stop that from happening, wouldn't you? I know I would....and do. Consciously I know all of this isn't true. I know the rest of the world doesn't see my faults as I do. I know I'm far more critical of others than most. I know that people aren't going to suddenly hate me because I do something stupid. But that all really doesn't matter if your subconscious mind doesn't get it. It's like me and snowboarding - I know how your body is supposed to move, I know how the board is supposed to go down the mountain and how each move is done; but getting my body to coordinate all of the muscles to do so just doesn't work. Skiing's better for me :-p

Unfortunately, there's no way for me to just ski through life.

...or is there?

-Cam

[BonitoDeMadrid]

Bob,

I'm cold, which is unusual for me. I'm lonely, which is usual for me. However, I'm saddened about this because it shows that I haven't improved enough to not be lonely.

And here comes another New Year's Eve where I won't get a kiss. Maybe even won't go out.

BdM

[locke]

Dear Yous,

Congratulations on baby girl number 2! a good size and a pretty name, Estellise.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

What a day yesterday, what a night, and what a wake-up.

Last week (whatever day I wrote my second to last DY), my brother, mom and I were sitting around playing Scrabble and talking about how boring and sucky this city is. Also, my brother was angry at his girlfriend for not going through with their plans to go to Flagstaff. We decided to hell with unreliable people and sucky cities, we wanted to have one last adventure in 2008.

We weighed our options. Tucson was out, as my brother will be going back shortly for school and it's not adventurous, per se, for him to go there. Phoenix? Nah, for being such a big city, it's kind of boring and we've been there a lot, too (some of us have lived there, even if for only months). Flagstaff? Eh. They have snow, which would be fun, but nothing else worth driving there for for only a day. San Diego? No way. I've been there close to 3 times in the past 4-6 months. Where else is within driving distance that could be done in a day? Vegas, of course. And I haven't been to NV since I was under a year (for joining the world reasons), so why not? We planned to go on Sunday but remembered the Chargers were playing, so we bumped it to Tuesday. I sort of didn't believe we were going until Monday night.

Now, silly me, I planned to be in bed by midnight, 1am at the latest Monday night. But I got distracted and lost track of time. So it was a 3am morning; well, 4am because I took some time to fall asleep. My brother woke me up too few hours later and we were on the road. He drove the first stretch while my mom napped and I sang (terribly...gave him some laughs every time I went über-flat or cracked my voice), followed by some attempts at reading Twilight part 4.

At some point, I took over and got to drive the freeway (Oh, Phoenix, I will always appreciate you for getting me up to snuff on freeway driving in non-Crazyfornia places), and into Vegas itself. DEAR GOD. How do the people there breathe? I have never seen a thicker, browner smog cloud hanging over a city and Phoenix got pretty bad.

Anyway, took my exit, found the strip and proceed to sightsee before I'd even parked (which resulted in me driving too slow, even when the traffic lightened in bits). I have to say, there was some initial disappointment. I expected it took look cleaner, more streamlined, less...ghetto fabulous. TV/movies (I'm looking at you, Saved by the Bell wedding made for tv movie, Ocean's series) really got my expectations up.

We decided to go to the Belagio, as we didn't plan at all. (Sidenote: my brother and mom were looking to me to make decisions, which I'd have been okay with if I had, ya know, a plan the way I did in Chicago.) They did some gambling, I played $0.02, and then out we went to walk.

I ended up taking 135 or so pictures in the 4 hours we walked, so I was a happy camper in that department. And at night, it really is something to behold; it hides the fact that some buildings looked like they would fall apart if you sneezed near them.

But, and don't make fun Bob, I expected it to be less...whorish and more flashy somehow. It was like walking up and down the corridor in a giant strip club. Some guys were handing out cards with stripper's pictures on them (for all intents and purposes, they were wearing nothing and showing everything) and the billboards were almost as bad. Sin City, yes, very much.

Which is why I could never fully enjoy it the way it's intended. I don't enjoy drinking enough, I don't really get a kick out of gambling, and the whole naked women on parade thing doesn't seem like my kind of fun. Maybe if I go back, I can stay long enough to watch a more family friendly show, though. Either way, I felt very not up to par for the short time I was there as far as my appearance went.

Oh! I saw a Michael Jackson impersonator, but was too shy to ask for a picture. At some point I see a former student of mine, unfortunately quite serious on that front.

Moving along, though. It took ~5 hours to get there and we weren't planning to stay the night, so our time there was shortened by our need to get back before we were too tired to drive home. (Yes, 11ish hours for 5 hours in the city.) We took off at 7:30 AZ time and I made the mistake of not getting directions home. But hey, just undo everything we did to get there, right?!

As we're driving by the exit we should have taken, I make the helpful comment that, "Hey, we should have gotten off back there." Luckily, I only added 20 miles to the trip back but I was worried at first that I had significantly increased the mileage home. A cool thing I got from the detour was a chance to see the London Bridge in Lake Havasu.

At some point, functioning off 3.5-4 hours sleep and no naps, unlike my brother and mom, I started to hallucinate. Big Bird on the side of the road and a vampire flying alongside our car, to be precise.

We made it home just shy of 1am, I uploaded pictures and chatted a bit, and then went to sleep.

Cue horrible dream of me being allowed to teach again and being horrible at it. Followed by me waking up and feeling severely hungover.

So there you have it, Bob. My last adventure of '08: a mixed bag of sparkly lights, picture taking, some excitement, some insecurity, and some exhaustion.

[Wil]

Hey Bob,

How was your New Years eve? Hope it was fun! I sure had fun. I was "allowed" to drink this year! It was great, even with all my cousins going HOW YA FEELIN THERE WIL?

I fixed my cousins wife's camera. She was complaining about how all the pictures come out dark or blurry and she can't seem to fix it. I take it, play with the camera for 5 minutes, and return it to her in perfect working condition. Apparently the "camera specialist" she took it to couldn't even figure it out, neither could her sisters boyfriend or my other cousin. She proceeded to take only about a hundred photographs in celebration of her new found working camera. Then she made a comment about how if she wasn't 13 years older than me and married to my cousin that she would marry me. That was... interesting.

Also, played some games. Firework show on the strip sucked this year.

All in all, a pretty good night. It's very interesting spending time with my cousins now that I'm 20 and am an "adult"... now that I am in the know of "adult" things.

Laters.

GD:

You came to Vegas? I thought I felt a disturbance in the force...

Yeah, Vegas is quite... as you said they hand out fliers of strippers on the street. But, I promise you, it is a LOT more than that. To really get the full experience you have to visit all the hotels inside and out. And Freemont Street! Freemont Street is where it is at! Much better than walking the strip. Come to Vegas without family some time and I'll show you the better part of Vegas... the less-whorish part. But you better do it before I turn 21 because chances are I'll not be a very good guide when I'm drunk morning, noon, and night...

[Valentine]

Bob,
Well, we're off to Missouri to visit family. I'm really excited - I haven't seen some of them in over a year. It'll be great to see everyone before my holiday break is over, considering I don't really get another for a while. Wish me luck with my grandpa. He's a handful, sometimes, LOL - to say the least.
I'll be back in a few days, but won't be able to post again until Sunday or Monday.
I hope I have everything I need, LOL, but I guess it's only a few days so I'll survive no matter what
Hopefully no crazy pwebbers attack the board while I'm gone, forcing me into dire confusion upon arriving home. *playfully glares at Alea and Adam*
YAY for vacations and YAY for family!!!!

[Confessions]

Dear Bob.

1. Happy New Year. It's 2009. Wow.

2. Today didn't screw me up quite as badly as it could have. What happened could totally have ruined my new year. It was about as bad as four weeks ago, and I'm so much better now than I was then. Yay me.

3. Hooray for new beginnings.

4. Winter is finally here. I judge this to be the first day of winter, though many people will disagree. I have my own criteria. (It's actually cold!)

Have a good year, Bob.

[locke]

Bob (whiny voice),

I was all set to go to bed and instead of shutting down my computer decided to check my websites one last time. and boom I read something that sparks a response that generates a fascinating story concept. now it's going to needle at my brain.

Basically if there were an elixer of youth that could extend lifespans to 150 or 200 years how would effect the balance of power dynamic and position in society of the sexes? (leaving aside population size logistics like feeding for the moment). for instance, if were able to keep people approximately as vigorous as they are at 40-50 until they are 150 how would that change everything. women would presumably have the same natural age related limitations on childbirth, and so you'd continue to have a relatively static population of fertile females. but as time went on, the population of fertile males would double, triple and possibly even quadruple. You'd see a cascading effect of incremental changes across society that would fundamentally alter how the world perceives the sexes. Would young women become more revered? would they become more oppressed? just how rare would the birth of a new male become? Wealth accumulation would cause exclusive polyandrous colonies to spring up all over the place I think. the way boys and girls are educated would fundamentally change, would women be expected to to view education as something that can happen after their breeding days are over? Or would women be even better educated with higher status (means that boys/young men would naturally have lower status and be less desirable as well) and the option to do whatever they possibly wanted.

I'm not sure on what sort of story I can form around this, Bob, but thank goodness I have you to send this unfortunate brainstorm to. because now I don't feel like I have to furiously pound out some sort of rough draft playing with the concept.

[Gravity Defier]

GD:

You came to Vegas? I thought I felt a disturbance in the force...

Come to Vegas without family some time and I'll show you the better part of Vegas... the less-whorish part.

Yes, I did and I waved at you! I will work on getting there at some point without family; why not if I can get a tour guide? Just, uh, let me pitch a tent out back or something please...I don't ever want to do the 11 hours in a car in one day again, if it can be helped.

[Wil]

A tent in my yard (geroff my lawn? *chuckles*)? I don't know if I could talk la familia in to allowing that one. We have a detached guest house but that would likely be equally as difficult... but we could probably work something out! That is, if you could take my father and sisters pestering questions as to why someone I know from the internet is in a tent/staying in the guest house.

[Gravity Defier]

*chuckles* Really think I'll take a tent to stay in your backyard, Wil?

I think there are extremely loose plans for me to go back sometime over the summer, during which time I'd absolutely get a hotel room. I'm not so rude as to invite myself into someone's home (or yard).

[Wil]

I've known people to have done that. I was just being nice. *shrugs*

[Gravity Defier]

Oh, I know and I'm appreciative. I would just feel really bad about imposing on you that way. The only person whose place of residence I invited myself to stay at was Janelle's and that was because she was my best friend. I did ask Jason if I could stay in his garage, but that was when I was planning to run away-something I may still do, though he says it's 'moving' when you're over 18. Jan says I can live with her if I do her dishes, though, so there's always that. ... Yeah, I ramble way too much. Apologies all around.

Now to use this thread properly.

Dear Bob,

My little brother leaves tomorrow; I always hate to see him go. My nieces leave Sunday, back up to Phoenix, and my feelings toward this are more mixed. On the one hand, I don't see them all that often and love to see how tall they get and how their personalities are subtly changing. On the other, I really am a severe introvert. It's such a sensory overload and I feel caged in when I don't get some peace and quiet and they're 4, 6, and 10...so very active and loud. And they're girly in all the ways I never was and don't understand. They flash their little pink painted nails at me and their dangly earrings, they worry about their shoes perfectly matching their outfits and carry purses...I don't know. I feel like a terrible aunt, sometimes.

In other news, I am looking forward to this year. To hell with 2008, 2009 will be good. With any luck, in 4 months I'll be a free woman and I damned well better be working. I refuse to plan beyond that because plans don't ever pan out and I have to say, sometimes I'm pleasantly surprised by what I get in place of what I thought I wanted.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,
I get the feeling that the next few days; or perhaps as long as the next 2 weeks, are going to definitively reshape the direction of my life, and that scares me. But, that's really not what I want to write about tonight because it'll just stress me out more and I don't need that right now. As such, I have a better topic.

So, I'm not sure if I wrote you earlier regarding any of this, but I'll start from the top. A few weeks ago, I'm speaking with my mom and she mentions going to spend time with her "adopted daughter." Now, of course I can't let something like that sail past me without questioning it some, and she tells me that this woman is a 20something from a class that she's a part of that's adopted my mom as her own. I do believe it's some part of support system within the class (though I know very few details of the class structure or even what all it's about). Anyways, upon learning this I ask the obligatory "single and pretty?" My mom replies, "yes and yes." Anyways, a few days ago she came over for dinner one night when I was home, so I got to meet this girl. We spend a lot of time through the night talking, both with my mom and without, and by the end of the evening she's clearly interested in me. She indirectly says multiple times that she's going to call me on Sunday (because she typically calls my mom on Sundays and she won't be home this Sunday to take the call; and thus I will pick up the phone instead). To finish the evening, as she's about to leave she turns to me, spreads her arms real wide and gives me a big hug. I sincerely hope there's no way that I'm misreading anything here. A couple days go by (actually, this is right before my mom heads off on her trip ) and my Mom brings her up, asks what I think of her. She then continues to tell me that she was quite...hm...what was the word she used....it wasn't enamoured, or impressed, or attracted...but some verb like that to me and that she was quite surprised that I don't have a girlfriend and the like. If that's not a Mom trying to drop hints I don't know what is, but I digress.

Anyways, so I'm expecting a phone call on Sunday from this girl. I plan to somehow steer the conversation to seeing her sometime before my mom returns (so I can get one out of the way before my mom returns - decide what's going to be worth the interrogation and figure out how any of this could work). See, there's a couple problems I have with this whole situation. First off, I take her to be religious. I don't find that to be a problem, however I do believe it would mean problems for me with my lifestyle not exactly aligned with a Christian life (not to mention the really bad things that would come of any religious conversation that would ever come about). That in itself isn't reason for me to be doubting even trying anything with her so soon, because it's really far too soon to make judgments like that; however there's more. Oh yeah, did I mention that this girl is friends with my mom? Hello? Is that not creepy to anyone else? It's one thing to have a good relationship with your significant others' mother; it's a totally different thing to date someone with a preexisting relationship with your own mother. And, you see, this also combines with the religious argument, as I really don't need my lifestyle being aired to my mom. I kinda prefer her not knowing; and I don't really care to become somebody else to date somebody, though I suspect that I will have to - at least for the first few dates - with this girl.

But you know what? Maybe I'll get lucky. Maybe the baggage that I know is there won't be as bad as I think. Maybe she'll be a positive influence on my life, give me a reason to pull away from the things I've been doing somewhat. I'll never have to have that "maybe you should meet my mother" conversation, nor will I have to worry about them getting along. And maybe, just maybe, she won't be preachy and will be able to respect that everybody has their own way.

Or maybe I'll try and it will all blow up in my face and result in my mom knowing everything, getting kicked out of my place, and living on the street like a bum; eventually dieing a horrible, painfully slow death by means of a rusty spoon.

--Cam

[Olhado_]

Bob,

So it is me again and well I know this will not be the worst post of mine; but it might be another typical post. I really wish we could talk about something different.

Anyways, I just finished listening to a favorite radio program (and Podcast) called This American Life. Well, if you have not heard about it than it is a show where they take a theme and tell different stories about it, nonfiction and sometimes fiction, about the lives of different people.

Well this week the theme was Numbers, which obvious is a topic near and dear to my heart. It was about people who for different reasons quantified different aspects of their emotional life into numbers or statistics, instead of expressing them as feelings.

This put me to thinking that this is what I do. I do not really use concrete numbers (I guess my career gives me enough of those ); but I quantify everything in my life in some way shape or form. There are times I am tempted to ask people how they would quantify their relationship, with me. (Of course I do not since I have enough social skills, to know that is frown upon.)

Yet, I do it in my head all the time, which brings me to another point I think I mentioned before to you, in another version. I think part of my problem in social relationships, both friendship and more serious, is I do not really have any feeling in what I do. I do what I do because it is what is expected of me. I keep my head in books because I want to learn more, textbooks/nonfiction for information, fiction, yes for "fun;" but also because I like to watch the characters develop around each other (which might be why I like the Speaker series and why I chose my name). That last statement is why I probably judge shows/movies from most people here (and everywhere) I would much rather watch the characters and have the special effects be atrocious, then have poor character interaction (which I guess does not leave me much basis for "poor" character interaction).

Anyways, Bob these are just thoughts I just wanted to put them in writing and see how it looks and maybe, just maybe something I said could be related to someone else...unlikely.

[Wil]

The following is going to be kind of... open. Number values and such. I was hoping someone could.. perhaps.. comment? I dunno.

Bob,

f******' finances.

Okay. Rewind back a few years. We own a large house free and clear (estimated to be worth $700,000 to $800,000 at the time, henceforth called "large house") and my mother decides that she wants to get a little condo up in Utah. So, we purchase the Condo and place a loan of about $217,000 on it.

Now, rewind back about a year and two months. My mother has just been told she is dying and she wishes to purchase a smaller house that my father, sister, and I can "maintain" without her. None of us really want to move from this fairly easy financial situation we are in, but we go along with it. We place a loan of $355,000 on the large house to both pay off the Condo and buy down the mortgage on the new house in the sum of $417,000. The house is valued at about $500,000 and we purchase it for $470,000.

To sum up situation at this point:

Large house is worth $700k to $800k with a mortgage of $355k.
New house is worth $500k and has a mortgage of $417k.
Condo is owned free and clear and is worth ideally $200k.

Fast forward to Jan of 2008. My mother, having hope that she is going to live, decides that she wants to move BACK to the large house. By this time prices of mid range homes have started to plumnet and we can't even sell it for $470k, after MONTHS on the market. We're bleeding money on this house. We finally rent it out for $2600 a month, $200 less than we were asking, in August of 2008. Market crashes a few months later, and the renter we have CLAIMS to have lost an insane amount of cash - stocks worth $90 suddenly became worth $0.90. Has trouble paying, etc.

At this point, right now, he is behind one month + a security deposit. He owes us nearly $6000 as of the 1st of Jan. We are putting out more than we are taking in at about $200-$400 a month on a good month.

We're sick of this guy... we want to kick him out. But people tell us that we would be LUCKY to get maybe $2200 for rent now. Some tell us that if we can just hold on to this house for a few years chances are we will be able to sell it and actually make a profit from the house, resulting in us being able to pay off some of the large house mortgage. Others tell us that the market won't straighten out for a five to ten years. Either way, we're still BLEEDING money.

The only thing I can really think of is to foreclose on the new house. My father is hesitant to do that, but, really, what else is there to do? We can't short sell because we would owe whatever the house sells for (way low right now) and would still end up owing money on a property we don't own. If we foreclosed, we would instantly start SAVING about $400 a month just by doing that. It would completely rape my fathers credit, but it would be infinitely better than putting out that much every month.

I think that is everything... it is really confusing for me. I've had to wrap my head around all of this in.. a month. Bah, Bob, this is soooo damn stressful. Tomorrow... my mother died one month ago. School starts in 16 days. I owe $1200 + book costs for this semester on the 6th.

I don't want to do this anymore.

Wil

[Luet]

I know nothing about these things so can't offer advice. I would ask Ollie. He's the big finance guru.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I stumbled upon an old, little used journal from 4.5 years ago that I had forgotten about. I found a clear spot on my floor, sat down, opened it up and read. It was about a guy I was newly dating and it was so pathetic, it could have been written by a 13 year old. In fact, I've found and thrown out a bunch of things from that time period. Notes I started writing and never gave him. Things I wrote/drew when bored in class. I kept the only letter he wrote me that didn't end up back with him when we broke up, though. It's just sitting there in my drawer, a nice little memory. I've discovered I've forgotten more than I thought would be possible, so it's my own little proof that I didn't make the whole thing up: Once upon a time, I loved a boy and he loved me back.

The other day, a song came on the radio. It was played all the time a year ago but not so much anymore. I remember when it came out, it made me want to be in love, just so I could hear it and feel it the way it was meant to be heard and felt...and then life cut back in and I grew comfortable, probably for the first time ever, with being single and completely unattached to anyone at all. That song didn't have the same effect on me this time; I wasn't longing for anything when I heard it. I have two theories on that, but I'll keep those to myself.

Anyhow, being on the sidelines watching the game happen to others, it did get me to thinking about how weird an idea it is, one that I can't fully grasp, that someday someone is going to like/love me again. It's not a self-esteem thing, promise, Bob; I couldn't believe it (at first) the first time it happened -or the other times- and I knew the guy liked me. It was always like, "Oh...really? Why?" I don't know how to put into words why that's weird to me; I think it's perfectly normal when I like someone. Right. Doesn't matter. I'm just rambling.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

What. The. f***. I spent almost $4,000 5 months ago to replace the transmission on my car. A bearing had gone and it took the entire tranny with it.

It's doing it again.

This time I'm paying more attention, so I'm hoping I can save the transmission and just have to replace the bearing... But at what cost? I don't have enough MONEY to handle that. I could replace the car; my payments are almost up and it's not like I'm unable to handle them as they are now...but I want to go to SCHOOL. And I can't do both. If I need to go back to car payments, I can't afford to live on my own, nor can I afford to go to school.

I called my boss to let him know what's going on and he tells me "well I want you to go down to Oshawa today because there's nothing happening in Newmarket" (and there's barely anything happening in Oshawa - an hour away). I tell him what's going on and that I can't drive my mom's car like that, to which he tells me to carpool. I tell him I don't want to be that far away trying to figure out what's wrong with my car with the local shops here. His response (obviously getting frustrated that I'm not just taking it) "well then take a personal day and get your car fixed, but you need to get this figured out over the next couple days." I ask him if he remembers how long it took to get fixed last time, or if he understands that I can't afford to get it fixed, and can't afford to replace the car. I then tell him I'm looking at needing another job because I can't keep doing this, and his response "well I don't think it's the job doing this..." WHAT?!? You f****** IDIOT. What about "I can't afford to keep driving a car this much and sinking this much money into it" don't you understand?? If I can't afford a car, that means I can't work for you; and even if I can afford a car, I can't afford to keep going through this cycle.

I WANT to work, that's why I'm not apt to just taking a personal day. I WANT to work for this company, that's why I keep putting up with all this bullshit. But I can't keep this up.

My life just got twist-turned up side down.

Again.

--Cam

[locke]

Bob

I don't really know what to write, it was an ambivalent day. traveling was very tiresome, though I slept in the car and on the plane. it seemed a hassle doing anything in LA. I got off the plane and realized I didn't have my confirmation number for the shared ride van that was dropping me off at my friends house (where my car was parked) so I had to buy an $8 pen from one of the terminal stores (the other pens were appalling and they didn't have any of the 'cheap' three dollar pens) then slip a dollar into one of the internet kiosks for three minutes of internet to get online and get the confirmation number from my email (dislike LAs lack of free wifi in the terminal a lot, but at least it was only a dollar). Oddly I'm not upset about this, the delay was enough that as I walked up to the baggage carosel it lurched into motion to start spitting out bags from our flight. a few minutes later I grabbed my bag and walked out to the shared ride van platform and my van was there waiting for me. luckily I had the confirmation number.

But the day had already been soured. When I got off the plane I had a message from my landlord that my roommate still hadn't finished paying her december rent. Then when I was online for my three minutes there was an email about it that said the same and also said if not paid by the 15 we'll get the 30 day eviction process started against us. yay.

got my car, gassed it up, didn't wash it because there was a big line then went home.

And my roommates were home. I talked to pothead roommate who is the one that's delinquent and she spun me a story about her financial aid and that she'd already worked things out with the landlords and that the landlords were split up and not talking to each other and a bunch of other BS. I didn't really believe any of it other than that she's going to have everything paid back and has worked things out.

Crazy roommate had left a note and hilariously still hasn't figured out or is pretending not to know that the reason the TV is not working is that someone cut one of the coaxial cables in half. She also insists on referring to satellite service as cable and whenever I refer to it as satellite I get a blank stare until her neurons suddenly connect and she says, "oh yeah, the cable, whatever." apparently the two cereal bowls I'd left in the sink counted as "Adam left ALL his dirty dishes from making his candy in the sink and I cleaned them all up". amusing, not. despite speaking to both crazy roommate and pothead roommate neither mentioned the big issue that's floating in the air to me. passive agressive BS. I was happily filled in by that when I got to work and confrontational roommate had sent me an email saying that crazy roommate wanted her boyfriend to move in and that if boyfriend moved in she was contacting the landlords and breaking the lease and she wanted me to back her up on adamently on him not moving in. I of course agreed to this. Goddamn bucketloads of drama, and I've not even been in town eight hours

Anyway I sort of sulked in my room and watched two movies but that didn't make me feel any better. so I showered and left for work early. I almost left with enough time to run by the Y and see their facilities but I didn't. by this time I was feeling kinda depressed to be back in LA (which is weird because I'd been looking forward to it) and lonely because my roommates had been home (I know that makes no sense, but the condo feels homier when they're not there=adam needs his own place badly). I needed a hug. :-/

Additionally I didn't get a call back I was expecting, which means I need to call them back instead tomorrow afternoon if I still haven't been contacted. I want to be able to make plans and give notices and work things out regarding all sorts of complicated interconnected things and each day counts. Tomorrow will have to have a lot accomplished, not just watching movies and sulking. ugh being responsible is no fun at all.

and I wasn't feeling much better at work, but then I got coffee and day shift was starting to filter out. and as I walked back to our bays coffee in hand (already perked up by the spielberg package I'd seen them working on in other bays, ahh good movie footage and soundtracks), I heard one of the bays blasting the Mary Tyler Moore theme song and as I walked up expecting to see a goofball sequence accompanying it, but nope, it was just being played because and as I came up some of the editors and producers started dancing to it. That put a big grin on my face and I've felt somewhat better since. This is a good place to work for all the frustrations I've had in Nov and Dec, those are partially my fault for not putting forth my maximum attention and effort and letting myself be bored or distracted. I really love the people here, and they like me, even if I feel I'm not working to my maximum professional potential or being recognized as being able to do more (it's not as though I've been clamoring for that).

Things seemed so incredibly clear last night. now everything is as muzzy as the ugly brown smog layer I saw when I landed today.

MEH!

[locke]

Bob, made the call got locked in for the job on the 21st. now I feel sick to my stomach. I have to tell everyone at work I've taken another job and draft up a letter of resignation I suppose. Sort of feels like a betrayal and I was feeling kinda good about it til last night when I had a pretty good night at work. Overall I think this is going to be good for me though. I did screw up by giving a pay rate range rather than just the flat number I wanted. curse me and my waffling/accomadating tendancies. I'm not saying no to the 200 more a week, but I'd have preferred three hundred, which was really what I wanted. dammit I'm an idiot sometimes. I forgot to ask how long the days are, 8, 10 or 12. doh.

*exhales*

blech, those I tried calling are not answering their phones. I did get a text response back promptly though, which was nice. makes me feel less isolated.

Holy s*** I'm going to be off nights. Christ this is going to be a major major change. (and now apparently the freak out is starting, crap).

I like the new show, but it's no Idol.

On the other hand this is exciting.

On the other hand, holy s***! so much to do.

ACK!

[Valentine]

Congratulations, Adam!

[locke]

LOL everyone at work is happy for me. anxiety for no reason, hah.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Uuuugghh. I just looked back over this page and saw how much I come in here, which disturbs me no matter how it may look to anyone else. But I need to talk and no one here is being what I need, and you won't be that either, but it's better than the alternative.

I had an interview-ish thing today. I was dressed up, they were sort of dressed up, we were talking about a position, resumé given, application to be filled out, 'yes I have a BA in Geography' came out of my mouth. It wasn't a terribly formal interview, but I suppose it technically counts and they seemed to really like me and said I would be a great addition to them. They work for an agency that is contracted to the local Army base (the very same base that has been testing something for a few days that is powerful enough to feel like a low grade earthquake where I live, all of 20-30 miles away).

But I've been through this dance a few times since I got back from Phoenix, where they seem to like me as a person but something happens -they run a background check or find someone they like more, I don't know- so I just can't get excited. I can get nervous and scared though.

Too soon to worry about such things, but what if they hire me, knowing about my 'background' and all? I'm smart (enough) and I am a fast learner, or so I've been told, but I can't help feeling completely overwhelmed and under-qualified. They're looking for a GIS Developer. They, like just about everyone, see that I have a BA in Geography, not a BS, but assume it means the same thing. People, there is a huge difference between looking at it from an 'arts' p.o.v. versus a 'science' p.o.v. Possibly a bad analogy, but it's like asking someone with a degree in Art History to create a technically difficult art piece. Just because the word art is in their degree title doesn't automatically mean they're good at creating it themselves.

I worked very very very briefly (read: two classes) with computer based geography programs; the rest of my time was spent looking at politics/social issues/economics/statistics/etc...all social and demographic science stuff. I didn't even touch cartography in a geography class, that was covered for all of one class period in a geology class I took. So when I say I don't know have a working knowledge of GIS systems, I'm not being modest or underplaying my training. I would hate to be offered a job because I sold myself well, only to be fired or asked to resign because I couldn't learn this stuff fast enough.

Not to say I won't apply. Not to say they'll offer me the job.

I'm just scared. Terrified. Petrified. SYNONYMS OF SCARED.

And I don't want to hear reassurances that I'll be great if they give me a second, more formal interview. I don't want to hear I'll be great if they decide to give me a chance and hire me. I want to be told the truth: it will be hard and there's a chance I won't be good at it, but if I fail at any point of this process, at least I tried.

God. Why do other people get the comfort of knowing from childhood or from attending a university? Why do I have to be so lost on this, still? Why can't I just know what I want, be great at it, and have it readily available to me?

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,


I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO BREATHE OUT OF MY NOSE AGAIN.

[steph]

Dear Bob,


I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO BREATHE OUT OF MY NOSE AGAIN.

Me too, Bob. Me too.

*hands Kelly some vicks*

[locke]

Bob,

I wrote and wrote and wrote. just free writing, spewing, some ugly, some interesting and I had no one to talk to and couldn't tell you and so I just wrote it all out. and then took some personal time to think it all over

It's a bit disconcerting how much better I feel. I won't save the free writing or print it. I'll happily delete it... I think. but the result was like having a long rambly venting 'conversation' with someone, except I was writing it to myself to clarify my thoughts and headspace. I feel more peaceful now, I suppose, instead of distressed with everything.

anyways, sigh, onwards to the weekend. and the next few months and the new job and overtime at the old job and all the other things that are not so much pressuring me as I have a lot on my plate and the other things that always worry me.

hehe, the one thing that probably most surprised me was one of the first things that spewed out in the first ferocious blast of writing, my number one goal in the world. it's a bit ridiculous and a bit worrysome that articulating that to myself may make it harder to achieve, but it also sort of explained a lot, not really, but I feel better.

[human.]

Hey, Bob.

Locke's post ended up reminding me about this, but I wanted to tell you. I've been in a relationship for a little over a year now. A couple of months back, I decided to write a letter to him. I used to write letters a lot, but eventually that phase faded away as school began to take up a much greater part of my life. But there I was, sitting, wanting to write a letter. Interestingly, I chose to type it on the computer instead of writing it by hand. Normally, my best work comes when I write by hand. Seeing my own writing allows me to understand how I think and what I am attempting to say. Yet, I opted for the computer because when I first met him, a majority of our conversations were held on the instant messaging platform.

While contemplating the best way to begin this letter, I began to wonder what the future held. I became side-tracked by this thought. Circularly, though, this thought brought me back to where I began. Or, rather, to how I began. Thinking about how my life would end up a couple of years down the road, I began to imagine all sorts of things: what I'd have for an occupation, what type of person I would become, whether I would have kids yet, whether I would be happy, even what my cats' names would be.

But thinking in this way, I decided to take a different approach to my letter. I decided to write a letter of the future, for the present. I decided to place the date of the letter much further in the future than the current date, and to create a world in which we lived at that date. It was just a normal letter to anyone who doesn't know who wrote it. But overall, that letter brought a lot of clarity to what I want in life and what I thought I wanted. It was just an eye opener, I guess. But I wanted to tell you about it because it really did make a difference for me. Thanks for listening!

PS, the cat's name was Cinder.

[steph]

Hey Bob,

My sweet husband called in sick today so he could drive me to urgent care. The reason you ask? An ear infection. I'm 26 years old and I have an ear infection! It's ridiculous! Luckily, I have some antibiotics and, more importantly, pain drugs. Holy cow did my ear hurt this morning! And I still can't hear out of it, and probably won't be able to for another couple of days. I'm used to dealing with ear infections in my kids, not in me. This is one crappy bug that I contracted. Hopefully, I'll be able to be back to normal next week. You know, clean the house, cook dinner, that sort of thing.

*sigh*

Steph

[Wil]

I have developed this habit. It is nothing quite as inane such as complaining about a cold, or biting my nails, or constantly reminding people of my happiness in vainglory. Nay; nothing such as that. One of keen observational skills could see what I did there, and then determine that which I do. I am not proud of this; it is simply something I believe I have always done. In many ways I am even guilty of doing the things in which I despise in other people; complaining of inconsequential events in this life.

My previous post, while being quite a silly thing to post - yet another example of why I should not make posts after midnight - taught me a number of things. It taught me irony; for when one leaves another would then reappear. Though, I suppose I did not leave. This was a failure. It taught me also that nobody really cares; faux caring is just a natural response to another's uninvolved pain. In the same way, I suppose, that one unknown neighbor will smile to another unknown neighbor; in the end relying on them for anything would be a foolish thing to do.

I am no saint; I am quite partial to the phrase "broken saint"; and I have done exactly what others have done. That is to say, I have complained about life's nuisances just as everyone else has. However, recently, I have come to believe that the smaller a complaint the less that person has experienced in life. Oh, sure, I could easily complain about having just had my wisdom teeth pulled on Friday; or the fact that my mothers family fighting is resulting in qualms over funeral arrangements; or the fact that seeing you speak of being so happy makes my heart bleed. But, from my perspective, these things are such small events compared to things of late that why would I ever bother to mention them except in passing?

For many years I've held this belief that unless someone asked I would not tell; for I do not wish to impose upon people. On the other hand, I fully endorse people coming to me and talking about anything they wish, be it all about them or otherwise. In fact, there have been many people whom I have gotten "close" to in the simple fact of comforting them when they needed it. Ironically enough, when I wish for the same from them they disregard me. Lately, however, I've just wanted to talk about myself; and yet, nobody is there to listen. One may take for granted something so simple as "How are you?" from a friend, but it is sorely missed when you do not hear it when you need it most.

Despite my best attempts at being as obvious as possible about wishing to talk - wanting attention - I have not gotten it. Oh, sure, I could just post here and receive above said faux caring; but sometimes you just want more. Perhaps someone to ask how I am doing, someone that cares about the answer; and when I tell them that I go to bed at night not caring if I wake up - when I wake up I see no reason to get out of bed - that I feel more and more empty every day - that they may genuinely worry and express sorrow. I never imagined I would put so much importance in a PM that never arrived. I suppose I have come to terms with not getting that; come to terms with being a "lonely soul".

Why, I suppose I have also come to terms with just being me. A friendless husk of a person that exudes exceptional amounts of arrogance and jealousy, giving what he can and getting nothing in return. If I had to define what a broken saint was, that would have to be it. The friendly a******, for I am nothing more and nothing less than that. What else could I be but what people make me out to be? I know for sure that I am jealous of what others have despite the fact that I believe myself better than them. Would one call this being humble, or simply foolish? I believe if anyone deserves happiness at this time then it should be me, but I do not want your forged happiness. If being happy means I must be ignorant, then I would just as well pass. Is that arrogance? I digress.

I must apologize, as always, for myself. I suppose I am still quite resentful. It seems to me that talking to you brings out the side of me that questions everything you do. But, what else would I do with someone whom is incapable of speaking and lacks prudence? Your words seem so empty unless you are pushed to an emotional edge. I just like seeing words from you that are bright and empowering instead of dull and empty.