Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[Petra456]

My older sister was delivered after only being in there 6 months.

*sends good thoughts*

[Rei]

Bob,

Why do we not have any hot water? I know we haven't used it all this morning. Where is it?

[locke]

Bob,

if I had a live journal the mood would say :happy:

[Jayelle]

Dear Bob,

I just realized that our family is JPG. That's awesome.

J

[Eddie Pinz]

Bob,

Have you ever thought about running away? Not to anywhere in particular. Just away. Maybe with a partner. Maybe alone. But definitely away. I have always thought about this since I was younger, and it generally faded as time passed. It would come up again from time to time. It was always just sort of a fun idea that I grew out of. For about the past six months, this thought keeps cropping up. There is one that I would ask to come with me, but she wouldn't come. And it she did, she'd be miserable. It kind of scares me that this thought keeps coming up. Because I have the means to run, now. I don't have anywhere to run to or really anything to run from, but why does this thought keep coming up?

[Jayelle]

The news on my sister-in-law (Caspian's sister, btw) is good. Her contractions stopped, she's moved out of labour and delivery. She's now just stuck in the hospital until the baby is born, which is hopefully later rather than sooner, but it does mean Christmas in a hospital (in North Carolina - her whole family is here in Ontario).

[Valentine]

Bob,
I give up. I really don't know why I try.

[wizzard]

Hi Bob,

I haven't been to see you in a while, I hope things are going well.

I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life. At this point, I don't really have any ambitions, I don't really have any drive. I'm currently in training to get into a career, but I don't really have any plan, or clear picture of where I want to end up, I'm just living life entirely in the moment.

On the one hand, I would like to feel like I have some purpose in my life. I would like to be the kind of person who goes out of my way to get things done, to help people, whatever, rather than just doing these things if the opportunities present themselves. At the same time, I think I'm finally learning to like myself, to be happy with who I am. It's a strange realization, since I've spent the majority of my life depending on how other people see me, constantly telling myself that I'm not as good or fun or popular as other people. It took a failed relationship with a person who is still very much in that state to realize how much I've changed.

I am making progress, and I think I'm now to the point where I can actually look critically at myself, and see my own faults, without completely condemning myself, and I can start working on them with a strong, positive attitude.

Toward this end, from now on I am going to attempt to be more honest. I have realized that I constantly tell small lies, whether to avoid awkwardness or because I'm telling people what I think they want to hear. When I'm doing something I know other people would approve of, I'm already preparing excuses or stories to avoid embarrassing myself.

It's not going to be easy, but I think I'm ready for it.

Thanks for listening Bob, it's always good talking to you.

-Ethan

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I am in such a bad f****** mood right now, you really have no idea. We'll start from yesterday. I got told Wednesday night that due to personal scheduling problems, I'd have to go to a job site that's 2 hours away and work an extended shift there. So, 9 hours, plus 4 in driving, just to do the shift. Then, part way through, I'm told that a truck that I needed to unload would be arriving right at the end of my shift, so I'd need to stay for that. He shows up half an hour after the shift ends, then we realize that because the truck crossed the border we need bolt cutters to get in to it (border patrol places a lock on the trailer when they deem it acceptable to cross), so that killed another half hour. Then, I start to unload it and realize not only is everything packed on useless cardboard "skids" that disintegrate when you try and pick them up with the forklift; but they're also stacked in such a way that I've gotta pull way too much weight on each one to be able to unload the trailer (skids were double stacked and the forklift I had had a guard that would hit the ceiling of the trailer before the forks were high enough to get at the top skid). So, every second or third skid I pulled out would break part way through and either topple, or hover vicariously around it's critical tipping point just waiting for me to make a wrong move. Then, the forklift ran out of gas and I didn't have any more, so I used a pallet jack instead. But oh yeah, remember how the skids suck and fell apart? Yeah, after having a skid and a half fall on my head I decided a pallet jack wouldn't do the job and I had to waste another 20 minutes going to a gas station to get propane for the lift. Then, I get the tank on the lift, find out that the fitting on the forklift is broken and likes to leak propane, a lot of propane. So, after freaking out because I've got vaporized fuel filling the warehouse, I find a pipe wrench to get the fitting on properly and stop leaking, only to spend another 2 hours finishing the unload of this broken ass trailer. I left my house at 8am in the morning, got home at 2:30am. So suffice to say, I'm in a bad mood when my alarm wakes me up 6 hours later to get to work. So, I head off to work.

Now, today there's a pretty big snow storm hitting us, and as a result we had to shut down some of our operations. Because of that, Monday's all screwed up because we'll be starting off behind, so a presentation I was supposed to have Monday has now been pushed to Wednesday (or Christmas Eve, for the uninitiated). But oh yeah, I was supposed to be working near my dad's place for only a half day on Christmas Eve so I could still get there for dinner. That's what my family does; Christmas Eve with my dad and brothers, Christmas Day with my mom. So, now on Christmas f****** EVE I've gotta come in to work for 7am, give a 90 minute presentation, listen to 4 other 90 minute presentations, then drive 2 hours to my dad's place for Christmas Eve dinner, and then I don't even know what. So, I'm forced to do a presentation that the company has only forced upon us (myself and the other Supervisors) for the sake of making work during the automotive shut down week on Christmas Eve, and I have my entire f****** holiday f****** up. I spent half my goddamned year in another f****** COUNTRY for this damned company, gave up my entire life here; and I can't even get a proper f****** holiday?

So, a little later on I'm talking to the owner and I mention the Christmas bonus. See, while I was in Ohio they decided that rather than doing end of year bonuses for everybody they'd do a quarterly bonus dependant upon some performance measureables, to a max of $1,000 or $1,200 or so a year. Perhaps this is me looking a gift horse in the mouth, but I've done a lot less (see: NOT moving to another country) for a $1,000 bonus, so I was honestly expecting more than that. Not to mention the fact that instituting this process part way through the year ignores the first half of the fiscal year for everybody; but nobody seems to be noticing that. Anyways, the first of these was given out a few weeks ago to the group leaders; and I just figured I'd be getting something different as nobody had said a word to me about it, and the other supervisors (to the best of my knowledge) get profit sharing as opposed to a bonus. So, I brought that up and asked what the deal would be. Well, I was told I would be put in with the rest of the group leaders for this quarterly bonus thing, and that I had just been "lost in the shuffle" while I was in Ohio.

So, I'm living out of a goddamned suitcase for the last 2 months while my stuff sits in Ohio in an apartment I'm still paying utilities on, after having uprooted my entire life on very little notice (the first time I went down, if anybody remembers; I was asked on Friday if I could get to Ohio for first thing Monday morning, and I did), I'm getting no reward for all the effort I put in there, and not only were all of my holidays f****** up while I was there, I can't even have Christmas to my damned self. This is f****** bullshit. I do no more favors here.

So, as I mentioned there's a big snowstorm hitting here, so I'm practically stranded (I honestly don't even know if I'll make it home from work, and I only live 5 minutes away) and can't do anything tonight, I have no plans for the weekend other than wanting to go skiing (but I totally don't want to bother going alone on a saturday when it'll be absolutely packed), and I'm starting my weekend pissed off at work. This f****** sucks. I just want to go home and sleep, for the next week. I'm not even looking forward to Christmas anymore - I don't even get a proper Christmas. I'll gladly go home right now, fall asleep, and wake up in 2009. This is f****** s*****.

[Luet]

bob,

I've had a migraine every day for the last 6 days. Sunday through today. This has never happened before. I left a message for the neurologist but he never called back. I don't know what to do.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I'm attempting to do a good, spring cleaning type of room clean and it's not going so well. It never does, actually.

I have these boxes, all full of school work (when I was a student, not a teacher), and I can't bring myself to get rid of them. I should have after each semester ended, but they're the only proof I have that I'm actually -was, I should say- good at anything. I was good at being a student. (I'll forget about that one stupid semester in my entire school career if you do, Bob...) So now I'm stuck wanting to get rid of them but not having the actual heart to do it because when they're gone, well, what do I have to point to?

*sigh* Emotional packrat-ing. It's worse than emotional eating, I say.

[surditate_vero]

4.55 am.

-32 outside.

-47 with the windchill.

Would you like to take my place for the drive out to see the grandparents, Bob? Or any chance that you could convince everyone else that the sane thing to do is to say to hell with this and go back to bed and not get up until it's a practically balmy 20 below?

[Confessions]

Bob,

You know when the majority of your attention instantaneously shifts from the mundane conversation you're having with your friend to the person passing you in the hallway, and you attempt to keep conversing with said friend in the same nonchalantic manner as before?

But that's just routine here. "Heaven ain't close in a place like this."

A year ago, heaven was very close indeed. On this day, happiness became concrete, almost tangible. Today, such a pivotal landmark then, is now of merely historical significance.

I knew all along that it was going to be this way. I'm not surprised. Right now it's not even so bad, but I can't help wishing for better.

[Valentine]

Bob,
Do I email the girl my ex was cheating on me with, and let her know that until recently, he was in a year plus relationship? Or do I let it go, because that would be crazy and stalkerish?
Because I really don't think she knows..
Life hurts, Bob.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

Now I'm being told I may be shipped back to Ohio for another few months. AND none of my concerns have been addressed - much less resolved. This is bullshit, though I guess it's what I signed up for... It's almost tempting to get caught with some of my....medication... so they can't send me back across the border. Eugh, we will see, I guess.

--Cam

((oh, and Nic; helpful advice you didn't ask for - don't waste your time. All doing that will really achieve is stirring up more s*** for yourself and chances are she won't believe you anyways.))

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Fight. BIG fight. Every year, it's more of the same.

I swear to god, I can't take this; I can't, I can't, I can't.

[Eddie Pinz]

Bob,

Whoever said it is better to have loved and lost doesn't know what the f*** they are talking about.

[Syphon the Sun]

Hey Bob,
I'm in Texas until Saturday and this is the first chance I've had to get on the internet (and even here in the hospital's waiting room, it's spotty). My wife's grandmother has a brain tumor; it's inoperable. Even with radiation and chemo, she wouldn't make it past nine months. And she's not going to go through with any treatment. They expect it to be a matter of weeks.

So we took off at 8pm on Friday and drove until we got here (a twelve hour trip). And now the whole family is here, basically saying their goodbyes.

You know, I thought when my last grandparent died a few years ago, that was the end of it. But then I got married and suddenly I had new grandparents, again. Only to have them taken away. Again. After I've actually been in the family long enough to get attached.

My wife is hurting right now and I can't fix it. That's one of the worst feelings in the world. I'll be home in a few weeks.

[locke]

*hugs* my grandfather died from inoperable brain cancer. it's so hard to go through for your grandparent as well as the family.

[Gravity Defier]

*hugs Michael* I'm so sorry.

[jotabe]

*comforts*
It's a really tough time. A really good friend of mine died to cancer a little more than a year ago. It's awful seeing them go and not being able to do a thing... and even worse seeing how they know...

[Papa Moose]

Dear Bob,

I know we haven't spoken in a while, and that's my fault. The longer I put it off, the easier it was to continue doing so, or the harder it was to return, or something. Guilt in there somewhere no doubt. I know you were available the whole time, but for some reason it wasn't until I was up in the middle of the night worried about how my Christmas turkey would turn out that I thought to write.

Thing is, Bob, I don't really have much to say. I just needed to tell someone that I'm aware I'm not all that good a friend, and not just to you. I'm pretty ok at being a friend with someone who's right there, but when it's up to me to keep a friendship going, especially at a distance, it usually falls apart. Sure, I can come up with tons of reasons, several believable, several pretty reasonable, and many that you'd probably accept to my face but never really believe. But I'm not sure I believe any of them anymore.

So, pretty much just as you warned me, I have lots of acquaintances, but not really any friends. And tonight, as I consider brining, I thought I should go ahead and admit it to someone out loud. You were right.

Yours,
Pop

[Luet]

It's so good to see you Moose! I hope Squirrel and Mooselet (and I think there is a Mooselet II?) are all well. I don't visit Hatrack so I'm out of the loop on these things. But welcome back.

[Wil]

Bob,

Well, that was interesting.

Only Has A Mild Headache,
Wil

[Wil]

Doublin'...

Bob,

Man, I miss my mom. I mean, you know I have been. But, tonight especially. She was always around, even last year when she was sick, for us opening presents and everything. Since we open presents from everyone else on Christmas. Making jokes, and laughing. I miss that. It's just not the same with her not here on Christmas. Tonight was the first time I cried since she died. She and my father always did the "Santa" gifts on Christmas day... our primary gifts from them. But, since she died, I had to find everything and figure out what went to who and everything... and just now I helped my dad put out my sisters and my gifts out. We spent tonight eating at my cousins-wife's-parents house where I spent the evening with my family here in town but even still I feel really lonely.

I've spent the ten minutes writing this crying the entire time. I'm the "strong one", and I put up that front darn well, but I guess tonight all the fear and pain I've been hiding just had to come out. Because, really, I'm so sad. I've spent the last few weeks looking at pictures and everything, and she's not that sick woman I saw her as the last few weeks of her life. It helped remind me of how how she looked when she was healthy, and reminded me of all the good times I remember. I know this is good; people have told me that I need to remember her as she was before she was sick... but it's painful. Truth be told, even if I don't show it to anyone else, I'm really sad. And afraid. I've just kept so busy (either sleeping or doing anything I could to stay busy and not think about it) that it hasn't really played in my mind. I've spent the last few weeks just doing "after Christmas; after Christmas"... not really wanting to think about AFTER Christmas. I just don't know what to do.. and I'm afraid of the future for the first time in my life.

Anyways, I'm working off a small hangover, the alcohol and antibiotics I'd been on have killed my stomach and the crazy Italian lady I had dinner at tonight made me eat all kinds of Italian foods that haven't sat well on my stomach, and crying has given me a headache. Merry Christmas, Bob.

Wil

[Gravity Defier]

*hugs Wil*


So there you have it, Bob. When all is said and done, I got exactly what I wanted for Christmas and it didn't cost a penny. (Unless you get über-technical, then it did...but it wasn't store-bought or anything remotely close to it).

[Eaquae Legit]

*hugs Wil*

[Jayelle]

I'm sorry, Wil. I was thinking about you this Christmas - it's so hard to lose someone right before the holidays.

[Valentine]

*hugs Wil*

[locke]

Bob,

Where have all the posters gone? long time passing. where have all the posters gone?, long time ago.

[Wil]

Bob,

After having reformatted and installing Windows XP Pro on my new Samsung NC10 netbook I received for Christmas using only a flash drive, I then proceeded to browse my network drive on my old PC. *sigh* I wish I hadn't. So many pictures and conversations and pictures I have on there that made me all depressed. Really depressed.

I talk to you too much.

Wil

[Confessions]

Bob,

Well, at least I'm not bulimic.

It could be worse; in fact, I can always be comforted by the fact that it already has been. You know what revelation I've reached in this sleep-deprived state?

It will never be so bad again.

Wow, Bob; all that can hurt me now is memories. It's true that for me, memories can be very potent indeed; but still, just memories. They will slowly fade away.

And it's taken me almost a year (I'm not counting that wonderfully long intermission, Bob) to realize this. Or perhaps it's been very obvious to me all along and it's just because my brain isn't functioning properly that this seems like a revelation.

Oh, the strange ways of the mind. If I understood myself, I probably wouldn't have all my stupid dreams. Maybe I can't fully understand myself on this matter; it's like whatshisname's incompleteness theorem. Godel's.

Okay, Bob. I'll get a good night's sleep tonight. I'll go to bed early. And fall asleep quickly. I promise.

[locke]

Bob

I can install a ceiling fan. and it works completely.

[wizzard]

Dear Bob,

My grandma passed away this afternoon. She had a rare form of lung cancer. We've been expecting it, and she was more than ready to go, but it's still weird that she's gone. She was one of the sweetest, kindest people I've ever met. She will be missed.

[Valentine]

*hugs Wizzard*