I'm so sorry, Wil.
*hugs*
Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0
-
BonitoDeMadrid
- Toon Leader
- Posts: 780
- Joined: Fri Jan 05, 2007 9:21 am
- Title: Bonzo was Framed
- Location: The exact center of the earth
I'm really sorry, Wil.
*hug*
*hug*
Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down?
We do! We do!
Who leaves Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do! We do!
Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Gutenberg a star?
We do! We do!
Who robs cavefish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do, we do!
We do! We do!
Who leaves Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do! We do!
Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Gutenberg a star?
We do! We do!
Who robs cavefish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do, we do!
-
Young Val
- Commander
- Posts: 3166
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 7:00 pm
- Title: Papermaster
- First Joined: 12 Sep 2000
- Location: from New York City to St. Paul, MN (but I'm a Boston girl at heart).
- Contact:
Dear Bob,
Saw Henry. First time in almost exactly two years. Didn't throw up. Expected to. Feel like I still might.
Bright side: now know the answer to the "what if" question. answer is HELL NO.
I love, love, love David.
Still feel like puking, though.
Saw Henry. First time in almost exactly two years. Didn't throw up. Expected to. Feel like I still might.
Bright side: now know the answer to the "what if" question. answer is HELL NO.
I love, love, love David.
Still feel like puking, though.
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
-
Wil
- Toon Leader
- Posts: 1373
- Joined: Sun Dec 31, 2006 8:07 pm
- Title: Not the mama!
- Location: 36° 11' 39" N, 115° 13' 19" W
Thanks for the support guys. I really appreciate it. I'm doing fine, I think. The entire last year, if you've read various things I've posted, kind of shows the difficult time my family has been going through. These last few weeks have been especially difficult. No previous posts, as far as I can recall, cover it, so I'll just finish up the story here... if you guys don't mind.
After they removed her kidney her pain was slowly getting a lot worse until the point where my father took my mother to the hospital. They did CAT scans and what not and discovered a mass on her back and did a biopsy to see what it was. Cancer, of course. They covered the pain, and the radiation doctor said that she should be fine and they were going to do radiation to her back. Through this, my mother was doing fine when she was out of pain -- up and moving around. Of course, our insurance refused to continue paying for her to stay in a hospital and they wanted to move her to a rehab center.
Take it from me; refuse. Never, ever, agree to go to a rehab center. She was there for a week, about, and through that time they were horrible. The rooms were tiny and they somehow managed to put two people in it; they never gave her the pain meds on time; the nurses would disappear a lot. During this time my mother started to hallucinate a lot, and I spent a lot of time with her there. Also during this time my mother decided, or rather out of desperation, to call my aunt - her sister - she had not spoken to in five years.
We finally got her out of there, and radiation started. Very, very strong doses of radiation; five treatments. Said it would take about six weeks to recover initially from the radiation. The first week went by okay, the second also. At this point she was down to 80lbs. At the end of the second week and through the third she slowly got weaker, but not horribly so. She seemed to be doing better last Saturday, with color, and being strong. Then this week she quickly declined where on Tuesday she was incapable of keeping her pills down and she started to throw up a lot. Nurses suspected a Tylenol overdose as the only pain medication she could use, Darvocet, is simply Tylenol and taking more than three a day is overdosing on Tylenol - she was taking six to twelve a day (within the dosing instructions). She was still in a lot of pain. Called in hospice, got her some Oxyfast/Oxycodone, and she seemed to be doing fine. We (my family and I) were worried about her not eating or drinking, but the hospice nurses told us not to force anything. When they came in, she looked TERRIBLE. Pale, on oxygen again, and in extreme pain. Told us she had maybe a month to live.
The fact that she was doing fine just days before made us think that she would get over it, of course, but in my mind I always knew it was a possibility. It had been a possibility for the last year. On Thursday she was supposed to go to the radiation doctor but we didn't feel like we could move her at all. He said he would order a PET scan, to confirm that the cancer hadn't spread, for next week. At this point I was waking up several times a night to give her medication, staying up late, and just generally getting very little sleep. She was in a lot of pain, but she was also kind of drugged out. On Thursday night they delivered a hospital bed, so we moved her over. She was so weak and/or drugged that my father and myself had to just pick her up and move her over. She weighed very little. I found out later than through the night she had started acting like what I am about to describe, but she snapped out of it.
As agreed, I woke up at 7:30am to see if she needed any medication. She was moaning so I walked in there and put my hand on her head and asked if she needed anything or if she was in pain. She said "Not really" and I said "Okay, I'll be back later to check on you". At 8:30 I woke back up and walked in to check on her again, but she was quiet and sleeping so I didn't bother her. At 9:30 the phone rang confirming that they received the PET scan papers and that they were setting up the scheduling and would call back later. I said okay, and decided to sleep for another 30 minutes. My dad called and asked something, and at that point I decided to just get up. I walked in to my mothers room once again, and she had her eyes and mouth wide open. She was gasping for breath every four seconds, her eyes were dilated, her left eye was "wandering" off to the left more than her right. I put my hand on her head and shook her, trying to get here to answer. She wouldn't even blink or anything. So, I called my father and told him and he told me to call hospice. I called hospice, but as they transferred me I got disconnected. I called my aunt in panic and asked her to come over since she had been helping a lot the last four weeks, and she only lives a mile away. I called hospice again, and again I got disconnected. I called my father and told him to come home. I got a voicemail from a nurse, called her back, and told her what was going on. I also got a call from a nurses assistant, conveniently, and she said she was going to come right over. By the time all this was done (in about 5 minutes), I knelt by my mothers bed and she was starting to not breath for about 10 seconds at a time every three or four breaths. I cried, told her I loved her, and then realized that I should probably get my sister. I went in there and said "Jenne, Jenne wake up. I think mom is dying. We should be with her." and we both went in there and sat beside her, holding her. My aunt got here just a few minutes before she stopped breathing. The nurse assistant got over a few minutes later and made sure she was "clean". My father got home and broke down. When the area nurse got here, she declared her, and took her pulse. It was still very low, so while she wasn't breathing she was still "alive" for my father to be there. Next few hours my father spent in a frenzy trying to find the scribbled notes that my mother wrote about what she wanted done, and I spent them just kind of doing what I needed to do... trying to call my other aunt and my mothers friend, neither of which were home. Before they took her, I had the idea that perhaps I should take some of her hair. She is going to be cremated, so hair is something we should save. So, we took enough locks of hair for both my sister and myself, our two aunts, one of my aunts daughters, and an extra lock left over. By about 1pm she was gone, taken to the mortuary, and everyone had left.
I truly believe that in the middle of the night, when she was doing the big-eyed gasping-for-breath thing, she knew she was about to die but she held out long enough to where my sister, my aunt, and myself could be there with her when she passed. I'm doing fine, I really am. This entire last year and a handful of months has been a blur, and slowly everything has changed. In this last year, in the words of my aunt and father, I went from being a teenager to being a man. I was forced to grow up more than I had in my previous 19 years, and I learned to do what I never imagined I could do without my mother. I had a year to slowly learn to take over responsibilities from my mother; cooking, cleaning, paying bills, shopping, etc. All the while helping my mother get to doctors appointments, making sure I knew what the doctors wanted and needed from her, giving her the medication she needed and making sure it was given correctly, and keeping everything straight. Slowly she did less and less, up until the point where not seeing her around the house, doing things, was normal. Where her being in the hospital, not at home, was fine. Where her being in her room asleep all the time was where she always was. This last year prepared me for this, I believe. She is gone, but it is not like she is gone. It is like she is just not in the house any more.
To be honest in several ways, I'm glad she is gone. For an unselfish reason: She is no longer in pain and isn't suffering any more. For a selfish reason: Taking care of her was becoming such a hard thing to do. I was slowly getting less and less sleep, and seeing her get worse and worse with nothing I could do was hard. I was starting to get impatient with her, and starting to find the act of making her get up, making her take her pills/medicine, making her take water, helping her to the bathroom every hour, to feel as if she were asking far too much of me. Don't get me wrong, I would have continued to do this for her for another year, for another ten, but I was burned out. So, her passing is in many ways a relief to me.
It is weird, however, seeing things of hers. Her glasses, laying there, never to be worn by her again, makes me sad. She used to watch The Young and the Restless every day, and knowing that she'll never get to watch it again or find out how things worked out for the current plot makes me upset. Knowing that she'll never get to see me grow up, get married, have kids; never get to help my sister grow up, plan her wedding, have kids, makes me upset. She wanted to write a book, or at least write down her life, and she never got beyond the first chapter; makes me upset. I'm not upset about the past; I don't regret anything I did; I don't have anything I wish I had said to her. I said everything I ever needed said to her, and she knows how much I loved her.
What now? I don't know. I've been over this in my head a thousand times in the last year. It started out as "I can't live without her, I'll end up killing myself". She even joked about if she wanted her "take us with her" when the end came. But, that went away. I thought that maybe I'd leave... go explore or live on my own for awhile. But, that also passed. For now, we'll simply get her ashes and do as she wished; to be buried in Oklahoma in the spring, on top of one of the graves of her parents. Beyond that, my plans have changed little and I realize that now. I don't want to die; I have a lot to live for. I can't leave; my sister and father depend on me. I will stay here, probably finish up my Associates, and help my sister get her GED. Teach her how to drive. Get her started with going to college. My sister is whom I must take care of right now. Maybe in a year, a year and a half, or two years I can leave. I want to get my Bachelors; I will need to make a life for myself eventually. I'm sure at some point I'll find a woman that drives me totally batshit insane that I want to marry. As much as my mind makes up these crazy ideas for things I could do to get away from it, in the end I know I won't do any of it. I'll do what I must, to help my sister and father cope. My father is frantic with worry; all the things that must be done. My sister is still kind of not really accepting it and just holds up in her room on her computer all the time. They need me.
This turned out to be a LOT longer than I expected it to be, but I really just felt like writing about it. Just some stuff that has been going through my head; but still only a fraction of everything I think about right now. It still doesn't really feel completely real to me. Kind of like when you're reading a book, and when you put it down you feel like you're a "part" of that book, you know? I'll be doing something else, keeping my mind busy, and then I'll sit back and I'll realize that I'm half an orphan now and I'm only 20. It's just.... very strange. The hard part is; am I supposed to be taking it like this? When she was dying, the social services lady stopped by and talking about how people are in shock; they regret things they did or didn't do; they don't accept it. That I might need to talk, or get grief counseling, etc. But, I don't feel like any of that. I don't know if I am supposed to feel like that, or if this is just my normal. My father shows the regret - he told me he regrets things. My sister is in shock; not really accepting it. But, in my own eyes, I think I'm fine. I cried yesterday, and a little last night before bed, but I'm not devastated. I do not know.
After they removed her kidney her pain was slowly getting a lot worse until the point where my father took my mother to the hospital. They did CAT scans and what not and discovered a mass on her back and did a biopsy to see what it was. Cancer, of course. They covered the pain, and the radiation doctor said that she should be fine and they were going to do radiation to her back. Through this, my mother was doing fine when she was out of pain -- up and moving around. Of course, our insurance refused to continue paying for her to stay in a hospital and they wanted to move her to a rehab center.
Take it from me; refuse. Never, ever, agree to go to a rehab center. She was there for a week, about, and through that time they were horrible. The rooms were tiny and they somehow managed to put two people in it; they never gave her the pain meds on time; the nurses would disappear a lot. During this time my mother started to hallucinate a lot, and I spent a lot of time with her there. Also during this time my mother decided, or rather out of desperation, to call my aunt - her sister - she had not spoken to in five years.
We finally got her out of there, and radiation started. Very, very strong doses of radiation; five treatments. Said it would take about six weeks to recover initially from the radiation. The first week went by okay, the second also. At this point she was down to 80lbs. At the end of the second week and through the third she slowly got weaker, but not horribly so. She seemed to be doing better last Saturday, with color, and being strong. Then this week she quickly declined where on Tuesday she was incapable of keeping her pills down and she started to throw up a lot. Nurses suspected a Tylenol overdose as the only pain medication she could use, Darvocet, is simply Tylenol and taking more than three a day is overdosing on Tylenol - she was taking six to twelve a day (within the dosing instructions). She was still in a lot of pain. Called in hospice, got her some Oxyfast/Oxycodone, and she seemed to be doing fine. We (my family and I) were worried about her not eating or drinking, but the hospice nurses told us not to force anything. When they came in, she looked TERRIBLE. Pale, on oxygen again, and in extreme pain. Told us she had maybe a month to live.
The fact that she was doing fine just days before made us think that she would get over it, of course, but in my mind I always knew it was a possibility. It had been a possibility for the last year. On Thursday she was supposed to go to the radiation doctor but we didn't feel like we could move her at all. He said he would order a PET scan, to confirm that the cancer hadn't spread, for next week. At this point I was waking up several times a night to give her medication, staying up late, and just generally getting very little sleep. She was in a lot of pain, but she was also kind of drugged out. On Thursday night they delivered a hospital bed, so we moved her over. She was so weak and/or drugged that my father and myself had to just pick her up and move her over. She weighed very little. I found out later than through the night she had started acting like what I am about to describe, but she snapped out of it.
As agreed, I woke up at 7:30am to see if she needed any medication. She was moaning so I walked in there and put my hand on her head and asked if she needed anything or if she was in pain. She said "Not really" and I said "Okay, I'll be back later to check on you". At 8:30 I woke back up and walked in to check on her again, but she was quiet and sleeping so I didn't bother her. At 9:30 the phone rang confirming that they received the PET scan papers and that they were setting up the scheduling and would call back later. I said okay, and decided to sleep for another 30 minutes. My dad called and asked something, and at that point I decided to just get up. I walked in to my mothers room once again, and she had her eyes and mouth wide open. She was gasping for breath every four seconds, her eyes were dilated, her left eye was "wandering" off to the left more than her right. I put my hand on her head and shook her, trying to get here to answer. She wouldn't even blink or anything. So, I called my father and told him and he told me to call hospice. I called hospice, but as they transferred me I got disconnected. I called my aunt in panic and asked her to come over since she had been helping a lot the last four weeks, and she only lives a mile away. I called hospice again, and again I got disconnected. I called my father and told him to come home. I got a voicemail from a nurse, called her back, and told her what was going on. I also got a call from a nurses assistant, conveniently, and she said she was going to come right over. By the time all this was done (in about 5 minutes), I knelt by my mothers bed and she was starting to not breath for about 10 seconds at a time every three or four breaths. I cried, told her I loved her, and then realized that I should probably get my sister. I went in there and said "Jenne, Jenne wake up. I think mom is dying. We should be with her." and we both went in there and sat beside her, holding her. My aunt got here just a few minutes before she stopped breathing. The nurse assistant got over a few minutes later and made sure she was "clean". My father got home and broke down. When the area nurse got here, she declared her, and took her pulse. It was still very low, so while she wasn't breathing she was still "alive" for my father to be there. Next few hours my father spent in a frenzy trying to find the scribbled notes that my mother wrote about what she wanted done, and I spent them just kind of doing what I needed to do... trying to call my other aunt and my mothers friend, neither of which were home. Before they took her, I had the idea that perhaps I should take some of her hair. She is going to be cremated, so hair is something we should save. So, we took enough locks of hair for both my sister and myself, our two aunts, one of my aunts daughters, and an extra lock left over. By about 1pm she was gone, taken to the mortuary, and everyone had left.
I truly believe that in the middle of the night, when she was doing the big-eyed gasping-for-breath thing, she knew she was about to die but she held out long enough to where my sister, my aunt, and myself could be there with her when she passed. I'm doing fine, I really am. This entire last year and a handful of months has been a blur, and slowly everything has changed. In this last year, in the words of my aunt and father, I went from being a teenager to being a man. I was forced to grow up more than I had in my previous 19 years, and I learned to do what I never imagined I could do without my mother. I had a year to slowly learn to take over responsibilities from my mother; cooking, cleaning, paying bills, shopping, etc. All the while helping my mother get to doctors appointments, making sure I knew what the doctors wanted and needed from her, giving her the medication she needed and making sure it was given correctly, and keeping everything straight. Slowly she did less and less, up until the point where not seeing her around the house, doing things, was normal. Where her being in the hospital, not at home, was fine. Where her being in her room asleep all the time was where she always was. This last year prepared me for this, I believe. She is gone, but it is not like she is gone. It is like she is just not in the house any more.
To be honest in several ways, I'm glad she is gone. For an unselfish reason: She is no longer in pain and isn't suffering any more. For a selfish reason: Taking care of her was becoming such a hard thing to do. I was slowly getting less and less sleep, and seeing her get worse and worse with nothing I could do was hard. I was starting to get impatient with her, and starting to find the act of making her get up, making her take her pills/medicine, making her take water, helping her to the bathroom every hour, to feel as if she were asking far too much of me. Don't get me wrong, I would have continued to do this for her for another year, for another ten, but I was burned out. So, her passing is in many ways a relief to me.
It is weird, however, seeing things of hers. Her glasses, laying there, never to be worn by her again, makes me sad. She used to watch The Young and the Restless every day, and knowing that she'll never get to watch it again or find out how things worked out for the current plot makes me upset. Knowing that she'll never get to see me grow up, get married, have kids; never get to help my sister grow up, plan her wedding, have kids, makes me upset. She wanted to write a book, or at least write down her life, and she never got beyond the first chapter; makes me upset. I'm not upset about the past; I don't regret anything I did; I don't have anything I wish I had said to her. I said everything I ever needed said to her, and she knows how much I loved her.
What now? I don't know. I've been over this in my head a thousand times in the last year. It started out as "I can't live without her, I'll end up killing myself". She even joked about if she wanted her "take us with her" when the end came. But, that went away. I thought that maybe I'd leave... go explore or live on my own for awhile. But, that also passed. For now, we'll simply get her ashes and do as she wished; to be buried in Oklahoma in the spring, on top of one of the graves of her parents. Beyond that, my plans have changed little and I realize that now. I don't want to die; I have a lot to live for. I can't leave; my sister and father depend on me. I will stay here, probably finish up my Associates, and help my sister get her GED. Teach her how to drive. Get her started with going to college. My sister is whom I must take care of right now. Maybe in a year, a year and a half, or two years I can leave. I want to get my Bachelors; I will need to make a life for myself eventually. I'm sure at some point I'll find a woman that drives me totally batshit insane that I want to marry. As much as my mind makes up these crazy ideas for things I could do to get away from it, in the end I know I won't do any of it. I'll do what I must, to help my sister and father cope. My father is frantic with worry; all the things that must be done. My sister is still kind of not really accepting it and just holds up in her room on her computer all the time. They need me.
This turned out to be a LOT longer than I expected it to be, but I really just felt like writing about it. Just some stuff that has been going through my head; but still only a fraction of everything I think about right now. It still doesn't really feel completely real to me. Kind of like when you're reading a book, and when you put it down you feel like you're a "part" of that book, you know? I'll be doing something else, keeping my mind busy, and then I'll sit back and I'll realize that I'm half an orphan now and I'm only 20. It's just.... very strange. The hard part is; am I supposed to be taking it like this? When she was dying, the social services lady stopped by and talking about how people are in shock; they regret things they did or didn't do; they don't accept it. That I might need to talk, or get grief counseling, etc. But, I don't feel like any of that. I don't know if I am supposed to feel like that, or if this is just my normal. My father shows the regret - he told me he regrets things. My sister is in shock; not really accepting it. But, in my own eyes, I think I'm fine. I cried yesterday, and a little last night before bed, but I'm not devastated. I do not know.
-
Gravity Defier
- Commander
- Posts: 8017
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 7:32 pm
- Title: Ewok in Tauntaun-land
Bob,
I'm such a pathetic a******.
I don't know how I'm supposed to sleep for the next few days; my heart hurts, my thoughts aren't racing but they're jumbled enough that I don't know what's going on in my head, I feel completely alone and guess what? For all intents and purposes, I am alone.
If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I'll know everything is alright
Breathe
Every little piece of me
You'll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe
I'm such a pathetic a******.
I don't know how I'm supposed to sleep for the next few days; my heart hurts, my thoughts aren't racing but they're jumbled enough that I don't know what's going on in my head, I feel completely alone and guess what? For all intents and purposes, I am alone.
If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I'll know everything is alright
Breathe
Every little piece of me
You'll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.
-
Gravity Defier
- Commander
- Posts: 8017
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 7:32 pm
- Title: Ewok in Tauntaun-land
*double trouble*
I am crazy.
I don't mean that in a cutesy or funny way. I don't mean that because I am female, I am crazy. I mean that I am full out mentally unbalanced.
I do and say and think the crazy things I do out of some insecurity that I am always going to matter significantly less to the people I form attachments to and in some cases, I do everything in my power to drive them, or myself, off to try to avoid it getting to that point. I fear needing people. Almost as much as -or maybe equally- fearing being alone. If I don't need them, then it won't hurt so much when it turns out they don't want or need me.
I do not believe there is a single person who could justifiably want to be around me and it doesn't matter what they do or don't do, say or don't say, all actions and words will be filtered through this belief of mine.
I do, I drive them off. And so shouldn't be surprised when they stay away.
Part of me hopes they'll want to prove me wrong but they're only human; they get tired of the bullshit. I can't blame them, even if I do sometimes.
You know what makes me even crazier? Even deeper than the belief that I'm not worth being around is the belief that I am. But when I try to figure out why, to put it into some list or measurable form, I come up blank. It really just is a belief, unprovable and personal.
Last week, I was reminded that my dad thought in April, and probably still thinks, that I should have gone to prison. Not jail. Prison. His first thought was drugs or sex. With them. My own father thought that of me. Now, he quickly tried to reassure me that I had good intentions when he thought it mattered most...but then he said it again, in July. When I should have been over it. Does he really think so little of me?
That's why I've been so miserable for the past week.
I lost so much, my job, my friends...Bob, one of my friends will only communicate with me through MySpace PMs. I have to go to that stupid site to keep that friend. Another won't talk to me at all; she just asks about me and makes plans with me through other people, then breaks them. Every time. Bob, 3 people will have anything to do with me...but even they don't understand how hard it is for me because I can't let them pay for everything and I can't really talk to them, anyway. They're old high school friends who I think stick around out of obligation or habit. We have nothing in common. Not in a good way, either...the good way being where you have a chance to share your differences and both people enjoy learning new things. No, the way my friends here and I have nothing in common is the way in which one or the other is forced to tolerate the difference in taste and suffer through it as politely as possible.
I see old friends on the few trips I make out of my house and they look at me, but they won't talk to me. Because they don't think I'm worth it even though it is illegal for the district to dictate who they are friends with.
I may as well have gone to jail for the 2.5 years. At least then there would be a reason for me to feel so cut-off.
And all the looks and questions, when I interact with people who don't care and just ask for conversational purposes...yes, I am unemployed. Yes, I am living with my mom. Yes, I am as pathetic as your face is showing you think I am.
In three months I will be 26 and I have absolutely nothing to show for myself. I can't say I'm not where I thought I would be, because in high school, I really did expect I wouldn't be around to get to 20, 25, anything past 18. Which makes me laugh when people think I could ever be suicidal; I made it through some very bad times and as bad as I am even now, I'm not half as bad as I was before and I'll have to be dragged back to that place. I am so miserable because not only do I want to live, I want to live happily and it's just not working out that way, no matter what I try to do.
Every plan I've made since April has fallen apart at the seams and not through lack of effort on my part. Even the military won't take me because I'm on probation, or else I would have entered by now. They told me, write a nice letter to the judge...maybe they'll change their mind. My lawyer says wait until April. Can't go back to school; sure, I could take out loans but that would mean leaving my mom with the car payments I said I would take care of when I was happily employed. Also, I sort of can't afford the $160 to take a GRE and no one in a position to write me recommendations will. No one will hire me...except those people in Phoenix who wanted me to do a career on commission, that would have required me to pay out first to pass an exam to become certified, when I would have been miserable and, as it turns out, left alone in a city I hate for living in.
My grandma, in an effort to cheer me up, told me my purpose in life is to take care of my mom, my nieces and nephews, and her. I exist to care for others, so stop looking to other things for happiness. And no, Bob, she's no crazier than I am, so I can't brush it off as nothing.
Others have told me things happen for a reason and I hate them a little bit for it and for making me say it to them, so they'll leave me alone. Things happen. That's it. There isn't always a reason.
And I hate movies that show people in similar positions who just wake up one day inspired...all that time being miserable led them to their happiness after all because they had the time to explore and think. Exploring takes money, thinking hurts.
Which, if I'm allowed to go off on another tangent, makes me wonder: do other people think or do half the things I do? I've noticed I have a habit of pretending people in music and movies are talking about me, or to me, when they're saying and making grand gestures to people they care about. "Why, yes, Alea, you are worthy of a one-way ticket to an insane asylum but by golly, I think you're fantastic anyway and want to be around you every chance I get."
Bob, I wish you could tell me anything. I know you're not real but it doesn't stop me from wishing you were.
I am crazy.
I don't mean that in a cutesy or funny way. I don't mean that because I am female, I am crazy. I mean that I am full out mentally unbalanced.
I do and say and think the crazy things I do out of some insecurity that I am always going to matter significantly less to the people I form attachments to and in some cases, I do everything in my power to drive them, or myself, off to try to avoid it getting to that point. I fear needing people. Almost as much as -or maybe equally- fearing being alone. If I don't need them, then it won't hurt so much when it turns out they don't want or need me.
I do not believe there is a single person who could justifiably want to be around me and it doesn't matter what they do or don't do, say or don't say, all actions and words will be filtered through this belief of mine.
I do, I drive them off. And so shouldn't be surprised when they stay away.
Part of me hopes they'll want to prove me wrong but they're only human; they get tired of the bullshit. I can't blame them, even if I do sometimes.
You know what makes me even crazier? Even deeper than the belief that I'm not worth being around is the belief that I am. But when I try to figure out why, to put it into some list or measurable form, I come up blank. It really just is a belief, unprovable and personal.
Last week, I was reminded that my dad thought in April, and probably still thinks, that I should have gone to prison. Not jail. Prison. His first thought was drugs or sex. With them. My own father thought that of me. Now, he quickly tried to reassure me that I had good intentions when he thought it mattered most...but then he said it again, in July. When I should have been over it. Does he really think so little of me?
That's why I've been so miserable for the past week.
I lost so much, my job, my friends...Bob, one of my friends will only communicate with me through MySpace PMs. I have to go to that stupid site to keep that friend. Another won't talk to me at all; she just asks about me and makes plans with me through other people, then breaks them. Every time. Bob, 3 people will have anything to do with me...but even they don't understand how hard it is for me because I can't let them pay for everything and I can't really talk to them, anyway. They're old high school friends who I think stick around out of obligation or habit. We have nothing in common. Not in a good way, either...the good way being where you have a chance to share your differences and both people enjoy learning new things. No, the way my friends here and I have nothing in common is the way in which one or the other is forced to tolerate the difference in taste and suffer through it as politely as possible.
I see old friends on the few trips I make out of my house and they look at me, but they won't talk to me. Because they don't think I'm worth it even though it is illegal for the district to dictate who they are friends with.
I may as well have gone to jail for the 2.5 years. At least then there would be a reason for me to feel so cut-off.
And all the looks and questions, when I interact with people who don't care and just ask for conversational purposes...yes, I am unemployed. Yes, I am living with my mom. Yes, I am as pathetic as your face is showing you think I am.
In three months I will be 26 and I have absolutely nothing to show for myself. I can't say I'm not where I thought I would be, because in high school, I really did expect I wouldn't be around to get to 20, 25, anything past 18. Which makes me laugh when people think I could ever be suicidal; I made it through some very bad times and as bad as I am even now, I'm not half as bad as I was before and I'll have to be dragged back to that place. I am so miserable because not only do I want to live, I want to live happily and it's just not working out that way, no matter what I try to do.
Every plan I've made since April has fallen apart at the seams and not through lack of effort on my part. Even the military won't take me because I'm on probation, or else I would have entered by now. They told me, write a nice letter to the judge...maybe they'll change their mind. My lawyer says wait until April. Can't go back to school; sure, I could take out loans but that would mean leaving my mom with the car payments I said I would take care of when I was happily employed. Also, I sort of can't afford the $160 to take a GRE and no one in a position to write me recommendations will. No one will hire me...except those people in Phoenix who wanted me to do a career on commission, that would have required me to pay out first to pass an exam to become certified, when I would have been miserable and, as it turns out, left alone in a city I hate for living in.
My grandma, in an effort to cheer me up, told me my purpose in life is to take care of my mom, my nieces and nephews, and her. I exist to care for others, so stop looking to other things for happiness. And no, Bob, she's no crazier than I am, so I can't brush it off as nothing.
Others have told me things happen for a reason and I hate them a little bit for it and for making me say it to them, so they'll leave me alone. Things happen. That's it. There isn't always a reason.
And I hate movies that show people in similar positions who just wake up one day inspired...all that time being miserable led them to their happiness after all because they had the time to explore and think. Exploring takes money, thinking hurts.
Which, if I'm allowed to go off on another tangent, makes me wonder: do other people think or do half the things I do? I've noticed I have a habit of pretending people in music and movies are talking about me, or to me, when they're saying and making grand gestures to people they care about. "Why, yes, Alea, you are worthy of a one-way ticket to an insane asylum but by golly, I think you're fantastic anyway and want to be around you every chance I get."
Bob, I wish you could tell me anything. I know you're not real but it doesn't stop me from wishing you were.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.
-
surditate_vero
- Launchie
- Posts: 44
- Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 4:36 pm
- Contact:
-
starlooker
- Commander
- Posts: 3823
- Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 4:19 pm
- Title: Dr. Mom
- First Joined: 28 Oct 2002
- Location: Home. With cats who have names.
Dear Bob,
So far I am not, personally, finding driving in the Kansas winter (started yesterday) to be a challenge. Even with the icy roads, even being nervous as I am at the start of everywinter, even when it's slippery, I am not finding it to be much of a challenge for my winter driving skills that I honed in North Dakota.
However, the guy that rear-ended me does not have the benefit of my education.
Meh. I shouldn't be so judgmental. I know perfectly good and well that sometimes it doesn't matter how responsible you are, the ice pretty well just takes over. Particularly in a city where they don't believe in sanding the roads. And he seemed like a nice guy. And his car took the damage, not mine.
I don't know. We exchanged info. I filed a quick report with the police department's little online report-filer thing. What's annoying me is that my back hurts (just below my shoulders) and my neck hurts a little bit, and I can't decide if it's from the accident or if it's just because my back and neck hurt, usually, anyways and I'm just paranoid.
So far I am not, personally, finding driving in the Kansas winter (started yesterday) to be a challenge. Even with the icy roads, even being nervous as I am at the start of everywinter, even when it's slippery, I am not finding it to be much of a challenge for my winter driving skills that I honed in North Dakota.
However, the guy that rear-ended me does not have the benefit of my education.
Meh. I shouldn't be so judgmental. I know perfectly good and well that sometimes it doesn't matter how responsible you are, the ice pretty well just takes over. Particularly in a city where they don't believe in sanding the roads. And he seemed like a nice guy. And his car took the damage, not mine.
I don't know. We exchanged info. I filed a quick report with the police department's little online report-filer thing. What's annoying me is that my back hurts (just below my shoulders) and my neck hurts a little bit, and I can't decide if it's from the accident or if it's just because my back and neck hurt, usually, anyways and I'm just paranoid.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...
~~Mary Chapin Carpenter
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...
~~Mary Chapin Carpenter
-
starlooker
- Commander
- Posts: 3823
- Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 4:19 pm
- Title: Dr. Mom
- First Joined: 28 Oct 2002
- Location: Home. With cats who have names.
Excellent point.Starlooker, does it really matter whether this injury you have is from the accident or just your imagination acting up? At the end of the day, it's still because of the accident, right? And you like money, right? LET'S TAKE HIM FOR EVERY PENNY, QUICKLY SOMEBODY GET HER A NECK BRACE.
His insurance called and left me a message saying they're going to be entirely responsible for damages and they need to talk to me and see if I'm okay.
I figure since it's on his dime, it can't hurt to have it checked out, right?
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...
~~Mary Chapin Carpenter
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...
~~Mary Chapin Carpenter
-
Petra456
- Toon Leader
- Posts: 2446
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 11:48 pm
- Title: Actually, I'm Fred (and a monster)
- First Joined: 16 Mar 2004
- Location: Singing on Krikkit.
- Contact:
Ugh, I remember being in the other guys shoes a couple years ago. The road was icy and I slid into him with just the smallest tap of my breaks.
His car had a little scratch on it and mine was completely pushed in and ruined. We both didn't have insurance, and he called and wanted me to pay for a new paint job on his car. In the end I didn't end up paying for anything.
I hate icy roads.
His car had a little scratch on it and mine was completely pushed in and ruined. We both didn't have insurance, and he called and wanted me to pay for a new paint job on his car. In the end I didn't end up paying for anything.
I hate icy roads.
Member since March 16th, 2004.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
-
Young Val
- Commander
- Posts: 3166
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 7:00 pm
- Title: Papermaster
- First Joined: 12 Sep 2000
- Location: from New York City to St. Paul, MN (but I'm a Boston girl at heart).
- Contact:
Dear Bob,
My best friend has been hospitalized again. She hasn't been this sick in a really long time. I'm terrified and I hate that I live so far away from her.
My best friend has been hospitalized again. She hasn't been this sick in a really long time. I'm terrified and I hate that I live so far away from her.
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
-
starlooker
- Commander
- Posts: 3823
- Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 4:19 pm
- Title: Dr. Mom
- First Joined: 28 Oct 2002
- Location: Home. With cats who have names.
Dear Bob,
I am in a real funk today. I don't know why. I don't think I've been this depressed for quite a while. I resent the fact that I am at work today.
Went out last night with a friend of mine to dinner and a couple of drinks. Talked about what's been worrying me. I don't think I realized how much it was worrying me until I had someone to talk to about it. Started crying. Was not happy about this, but oh well. Apparently it is a big deal. It's good to have talked about it, but that might be why the depressive feelings today.
Also lack of good sleep. Woke up at 3 AM and couldn't get back to sleep in part because of general restlessness and in part due to the snoring of the person I share the bed with. Didn't stop no matter how many times I hit him (gently). Finally went and slept on the couch. It wouldn't have bothered me if I hadn't already been awake, but I can't fall back asleep while it's going on.
Took forever in the shower this morning. Just didn't want to get out of it.
But now I'm here. So I'll go ahead and try to get some work done so that I can leave and maybe go nap.
I am in a real funk today. I don't know why. I don't think I've been this depressed for quite a while. I resent the fact that I am at work today.
Went out last night with a friend of mine to dinner and a couple of drinks. Talked about what's been worrying me. I don't think I realized how much it was worrying me until I had someone to talk to about it. Started crying. Was not happy about this, but oh well. Apparently it is a big deal. It's good to have talked about it, but that might be why the depressive feelings today.
Also lack of good sleep. Woke up at 3 AM and couldn't get back to sleep in part because of general restlessness and in part due to the snoring of the person I share the bed with. Didn't stop no matter how many times I hit him (gently). Finally went and slept on the couch. It wouldn't have bothered me if I hadn't already been awake, but I can't fall back asleep while it's going on.
Took forever in the shower this morning. Just didn't want to get out of it.
But now I'm here. So I'll go ahead and try to get some work done so that I can leave and maybe go nap.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...
~~Mary Chapin Carpenter
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...
~~Mary Chapin Carpenter
Bob,
I need to shave, I looked in the mirror and was thought, yipes, and then remembered the last time I shaved was last friday. bad, lazy adam
and after eating dinner I'm totally ready to check out for the night, go home and sleep.
urgh, motivating self to work productively will be interesting.
I need to shave, I looked in the mirror and was thought, yipes, and then remembered the last time I shaved was last friday. bad, lazy adam
and after eating dinner I'm totally ready to check out for the night, go home and sleep.
urgh, motivating self to work productively will be interesting.
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
-
Confessions
- Soldier
- Posts: 433
- Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2006 10:00 pm
- Title: Guilty
-
Confessions
- Soldier
- Posts: 433
- Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2006 10:00 pm
- Title: Guilty
Yay! Double post....sorta..
Dear Bob,
I can't help but wonder if she still thinks about me. I know she's aware of pieces of my life; but I wonder if she still thinks about me like I do her. I wonder if she still gets reminders, or thinks about what it would be like if things hadn't happened the way they did. You can say all you want that I sound like I want a retry, but that's not really what it is. I just...want some kind of validation, I guess. Validation that I was to her what she was to me. But really, thats what I'm always seeking, in every facet of my life. Validation.
Dear Bob,
I can't help but wonder if she still thinks about me. I know she's aware of pieces of my life; but I wonder if she still thinks about me like I do her. I wonder if she still gets reminders, or thinks about what it would be like if things hadn't happened the way they did. You can say all you want that I sound like I want a retry, but that's not really what it is. I just...want some kind of validation, I guess. Validation that I was to her what she was to me. But really, thats what I'm always seeking, in every facet of my life. Validation.
The password is "guilty"
-
Petra456
- Toon Leader
- Posts: 2446
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 11:48 pm
- Title: Actually, I'm Fred (and a monster)
- First Joined: 16 Mar 2004
- Location: Singing on Krikkit.
- Contact:
Bob,
I hate nightmares, and i've been having a lot of them lately.
- A very tired Fred.
I hate nightmares, and i've been having a lot of them lately.
- A very tired Fred.
Member since March 16th, 2004.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
-
Gravity Defier
- Commander
- Posts: 8017
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 7:32 pm
- Title: Ewok in Tauntaun-land
Bob,
Life would be so much simpler if it were exactly that: simple.
But it's not; it's messy, complicated, confusing. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way. Sometimes it's a mixed bag and you get both at the same time (this is how it is for most people).
f*** history, for having the audacity to repeat itself in ways that may not even be all that obvious.
Life would be so much simpler if it were exactly that: simple.
But it's not; it's messy, complicated, confusing. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way. Sometimes it's a mixed bag and you get both at the same time (this is how it is for most people).
f*** history, for having the audacity to repeat itself in ways that may not even be all that obvious.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.
-
Jayelle
- Speaker for the Dead
- Posts: 4027
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 1:32 pm
- Title: Queen Ducky
- First Joined: 25 Feb 2002
- Location: The Far East (of Canada)
Dear Bob,
My sister-in-law went into labour. At 6mo pregnant.
Not good. They are trying to hold things off, but it seems likely this very premature little boy will be born before Christmas.
Anyone who's inclined to pray, or just to send good vibes, send them to my sister-in-law, her partner and this tiny boy.
JL
My sister-in-law went into labour. At 6mo pregnant.
Not good. They are trying to hold things off, but it seems likely this very premature little boy will be born before Christmas.
Anyone who's inclined to pray, or just to send good vibes, send them to my sister-in-law, her partner and this tiny boy.
JL
One Duck to rule them all.
--------------------------------
It needs to be about 20% cooler.
--------------------------------
It needs to be about 20% cooler.
:: my thought are with your family, Jan.-
Gravity Defier
- Commander
- Posts: 8017
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 7:32 pm
- Title: Ewok in Tauntaun-land
-
steph
- Toon Leader
- Posts: 2454
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 2:36 pm
- Title: Rocky Mountain Mama
- First Joined: 0- 8-2000
- Location: colorado, baby!
My prayers are with her, JL. I've known 2 very premature babies who born in the last couple of months and both have done very well and were both able to go home before their due dates! I hope the same for your sister-in-law and almost nephew.
"When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time." - Jamie Cullum
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time." - Jamie Cullum
We were over 2 months premature, and as far as I know there were no complications that arose from being premature.My prayers are with her, JL. I've known 2 very premature babies who born in the last couple of months and both have done very well and were both able to go home before their due dates! I hope the same for your sister-in-law and almost nephew.
-
Confessions
- Soldier
- Posts: 433
- Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2006 10:00 pm
- Title: Guilty
bob
i really need to talk to someone ,and it really hurts that the only two people i think might understand why i am so sad ,i dont think that they would care. they would just humor me and tell me that it will all be alright and not really care at all and that just makes it worse.
~deliberately disguised
i really need to talk to someone ,and it really hurts that the only two people i think might understand why i am so sad ,i dont think that they would care. they would just humor me and tell me that it will all be alright and not really care at all and that just makes it worse.
~deliberately disguised
Return to “Milagre Town Square”
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 17 guests