Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

daPyr0x · Postby **daPyr0x** » Sat Oct 13, 2007 9:18 am

Bob,

A little musical interlude.

"But you should laugh, 'cause you' my better half,
and these girls just fightin' over the rest of me"

I love that line.
I love that statement.
It's just so...it's reassuring, warm, comforting, loving, yet lighthearted and humourous.

I miss that. I miss saying that, hearing that, feeling that....
"Don't worry, you're mine, and noone else has a chance."

Thinking about that scares me some.
I can't help but wonder if I'll ever be able to feel that again. Not feel for someone else, but feel the comfort and warmth of "knowing" it's true.

...i used to know it was true...

...see?

How am I supposed to trust someone else like that?
HOW AM I STILL DEALING WITH THIS OVER A YEAR LATER???

I could meet someone great tomorrow. We could date, fall for eachother, spend days, nights, weeks, months together and seem absolutely perfect...
And in the back of my mind all I'll think is "Brian"... All I will think is that I'll screw things up and she'll latch to someone physically closer who can be around more, and end up f****** him all while saying there's nothing going on...

Oh wait, that happened twice...Well, sorta anyways. Close enough to continue along this threat...

I'm not faithless. I know how to trust people, I have my optimistic moments.

But I don't know if I can feel that again.

Because looking back on that feeling feels so jaded. I feel so dirty, so ashamed, for ever believing it. So misled and mistaken.

Like "Everything you know about me is false." Everything we shared is nothing. Everything you felt was facetious, as was everything you thought I felt.

I think I'd rather be spit on than hear that again.
I'd rather meet a girl, try to talk to her and open her up, and be spit on.

Spit on me, Bob.

--Cam

Wil · Postby **Wil** » Sun Oct 14, 2007 8:26 pm

Bob,

Lets hypothetically say that you go to the trouble to send someone a gift for their birthday. Let's also say that this hypothetical person is quite... unwilling to talk to you because of no real important reason. How would you feel if this person didn't mention anything about getting it and never gave thanks for you going to the trouble to give it?

Okay, not so hypothetical situation. I can't figure out if I'm sadly mad or just sadly disappointed. But, then again, I've learned to expect nothing from them which makes me sad. Hope they had a good Birthday.

human. · Postby **human.** » Sun Oct 14, 2007 9:40 pm

Oh Bob, sleeping all day is so beautiful. Especially today. And then what a perfect way to end another's day! Anyway. Happiness and lonliness on the day that's all mine is wonderful.

Rei · Postby **Rei** » Mon Oct 15, 2007 4:57 pm

Bob,

I got a killer pair of shoes today.

~Rei

wizzard · Postby **wizzard** » Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:23 pm

Dear Bob,

I should be sleeping right now, but I have to get the these thoughts down, try to pin them down, see if I can get them to stop moving long enough to actually look at them.

I am becoming less and less sure of the religion that is central to my family, and has been the basis for my entire life up until about a year ago. I think I'm just clinging to it because it's familiar, because giving it up would be so incredibly painful. How do I reject the religion without implying that my parents, who are amazing, wonderful human beings, have made a deep, fundamental error? How do I abandon what has been so central to everything in my life?

This religion has been a foundation, an anchor for me. Regardless of whether I lived up to all its ideals or not, it's always been something against which I could measure myself. How do I avoid devolving into chaos and anarchy if I detach myself from it? How do I know where my values should lie? What's right and wrong?

Wanna know the really weird thing? There's a part of me that's saying "just let go, and trust in God", but letting go means abandoning the idea of God.

Bob, I'm putting this down here so I can't run away from it, so I can't just hide from it. I need to take responsibility for myself, for my beliefs, for my actions. Yes, it's complicated, and yes, it's hard, but I have to do this. And I know I won't be alone through this. I've found the support I need to survive this.

As always, thanks for listening, Bob. And thank you everyone on Pweb, you have no idea how much this place has meant to me over the years. (Even if I've never been all that active).

[/emotional, mushy crap]

starlooker · Postby **starlooker** » Tue Oct 16, 2007 2:49 pm

Dear Bob,

It's a funny thing. I start out in the morning with a to-do list to arrange my thoughts for the day.

I've never really used to-do lists before this year, so I've always had serious misconceptions about them. I've always thought that you wrote the list, and then throughout the day, as you crossed items off the list, the list grew shorter.

What I've found is actually the case is that for every item that gets crossed off, one or two more are added, so that the length of the list actually increases throughout the day.

Who knew?

As an aside, I really hate my life right now.

Petra456 · Postby **Petra456** » Tue Oct 16, 2007 9:14 pm

Bob,

Just when you think things can't get worse, they find a way.

- me

zeroguy · Postby **zeroguy** » Tue Oct 16, 2007 10:54 pm

Bob,

I got a killer pair of shoes today.

~Rei

And you're still alive?!

*ba-dum, ching*

Edit:

Bob,

Today I saw that Fred Gallagher's Megatokyo library poster thing is hanging in a library I went to today. Seeing that made me happy, for some reason.

-me

Gravity Defier · Postby **Gravity Defier** » Thu Oct 18, 2007 1:33 am

Bob,
I bought a book entitled Who Are You: 101 Ways of Seeing Yourself at a Goodwill store for $2.50. It is my goal to use it on myself to determine who I am as a person. $2.50. At a Goodwill store. This can only end in an amusing way, even though I mean to take it quite seriously.

Also, breaks from school aside, I have some sleep issues that I want to get addressed but am too stubborn to get checked out. Like the 3 or 4 times a night I wake up or the inability to fall right to sleep no matter what I do (exercise earlier in the day, journal to get rid of thoughts, hit myself over the head with a hammer

). I'd bring up the dreams if I thought a doctor could seriously diagnose those. From what I hear, normal people don't have these problems every single night.

VelvetElvis · Postby **VelvetElvis** » Thu Oct 18, 2007 6:55 am

Dear Bob,

The Voldemort man scares me.

-Me

Borommakot_15 · Postby **Borommakot_15** » Fri Oct 19, 2007 8:41 pm

Dear Bob,

I got a call from my Doc about 2 weeks ago...

Looks like my cancer came back.

I should be up for surgery number six, before too long.

Oh, well...

-Dan

starlooker · Postby **starlooker** » Fri Oct 19, 2007 8:56 pm

Dear Bob,

Two interesting things happened today.

1) I was driving to my fieldwork site listening to my Heather Dale CD. It has Christmas songs on it, including a very upbeat version of The Holly and the Ivy. So, I'm busy bopping along, singing the chorus, "The rising of the sun and the running of the deer. The playing of the merry organ, sweet singing in the choir." And I'm looking around at how pretty Minnesota is in the autumn, with the grass all these pretty colors of gold and red, and thinking how unfair it is that the Ivy never gets back into the song after the first verse, it's just all about the Holly. Driving along, singing with the last verse, "The rising of the sun and the running of the deer..."

And out bounds a deer into the road, right in front of my car.

Brake. Swerve. Miss.

That song has connotations in the Midwest in Autumn that I'm sure were never considered when it was first sung.

~~~~~~~

2) Yesterday, I was sitting in on a clinical interview with someone for adult ADHD. And it was really interesting, because she came across to me as slightly aggressive at first (feedback I've been getting) and then, listening to her discuss the things she thought were her symptoms as a child, I found myself going, "yeah," "uhhuh, i know what that's like," "Oh, yeah, that's me exactly." So, imagine my surprise when the psychologist actually thought that she very well may have ADHD.

Today. I'm giving her the WAIS-III -- an IQ test made up of several small subtests. I've discussed the test with the psychologist. I've given it multiple times. I've taught this test to other students. And we're going along, and she needs a break, so she leaves and comes back and we talk about how neither of us has any sense of direction, and then we continue testing.

Half an hour later, scoring her test, I realize:

I got so busy thinking about the next subtest and talking to her, I entirely forgot to give her a subtest that's necessary for calculating the full scale IQ.

During an ADHD eval. I got so distracted. I forgot to give a subtest.

So, I went to the DSM-IV. And found that, um, yeah, all those criteria? I hit most of them for inattentive and several of them for hyperactive. Including having to sit through getting bawled out after my oral comps because I talk over people and answer questions before they finish asking. That's an actual, honest to God symptom.

I've thought it might be the case, but there seems to be some kind of harmonic convergence here. I'm going to go and see if I can get student health to prescribe me Strattera next week. I don't think stimulents are a good idea cuz of my anxiety issues.

I don't know. I've been invested in thinking for so long that I'm lazy and calling myself a hypochondriac with grad school syndrome whenever the idea of ADHD came up in my mind that it's very weird for me to think it might actually apply. I'm really worried about being accused of being faddish. But -- these type of things have been such a problem for so very long. The idea that I could maybe stop some of them is such a relief I'm near tears thinking of it.

Anywho.

Postby **Eaquae Legit** » Sat Oct 20, 2007 12:23 am

Kirsten, do you ever post on Hatrack? I remember mackillian describing her discovery of the right meds for her ADD. You should go see if the thread's still there.

As to the first part, I laughed my ass off. And you can blame your Lutheran ancestors for poor Ivy being left out. Far as I know, they went and erased all the verses about Mary.

starlooker · Postby **starlooker** » Sat Oct 20, 2007 2:28 pm

Thanks, I'll go look for the post.

.
And you can blame your Lutheran ancestors for poor Ivy being left out. Far as I know, they went and erased all the verses about Mary.

*blushes*

Please allow me to tender a formal apology on their behalf.

Wind Swept · Postby **Wind Swept** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 1:14 am

And I'm looking around at how pretty Minnesota is in the autumn...

I'm rather of the opinion that we've had much prettier autumns. Most of this one has been wet and gray, not so much crisp and golden. Not that I have anything against wet and gray...

starlooker · Postby **starlooker** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 5:05 pm

Where in Minnesota are you?

Olhado_ · Postby **Olhado_** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 5:16 pm

And I'm looking around at how pretty Minnesota is in the autumn...
I'm rather of the opinion that we've had much prettier autumns. Most of this one has been wet and gray, not so much crisp and golden. Not that I have anything against wet and gray...

The wet and gray part seems to be exactly how Garrison Keillor calls Minnesota, although he turns it into a postive thing.

I get my knowledge of Minnesota, from A Prairie Home Companion and Lake Wobegon. Don't know if that is good or bad, of course it is better information then I get from natives of the state.

starlooker · Postby **starlooker** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 5:24 pm

Woah, woah, let's get this clear. I'm not a native. I just commute there from Grand Forks for fieldwork.

Olhado_ · Postby **Olhado_** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 6:52 pm

I knew you were not a native to Minnesota. I may have lost track of a lot of you; but my memories are still intact of everyone I knew when I left.

I was talking about another person, on this board and sort of in a jokin' sense anyways.

starlooker · Postby **starlooker** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 7:03 pm

I know, but I needed to make it clear in case anyone who doesn't know me was reading and making that assumption.

Postby **Oliver Dale** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 7:55 pm

And just what the hell is so bad about being a native???

starlooker · Postby **starlooker** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 7:57 pm

Nothing, it's just that people are so used to forgetting the existence of North Dakota that they tend to lump us in with people from everywhere else, "Oh, yeah, hey, you're from Minnesota/South Dakota/Ohio/Iowa right?" And this gets annoying.

Postby **Oliver Dale** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 8:04 pm

Oh, come on. I left myself wide open and you're too nice to take the cheap shot; you really aren't a native Minnesotan.

Postby **Eaquae Legit** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 8:13 pm

And just what the hell is so bad about being a native???

It means you're from Minnesota.

Okay, so I have no idea what kind of insult that is, but you sounded so disappointed, Ollie, that I couldn't resist.

Postby **Luet** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 8:24 pm

I so wish that I could audibly give you an imitation of Ollie saying "Put it in the byaaag" [not sure how to type it phonetically] in his cute little minnesotan accent. One of the high points of Endercon was making fun of his accent. Ah, the memories...

v-girl · Postby **v-girl** » Mon Oct 22, 2007 4:48 am

Nothing, it's just that people are so used to forgetting the existence of North Dakota that they tend to lump us in with people from everywhere else, "Oh, yeah, hey, you're from Minnesota/South Dakota/Ohio/Iowa right?" And this gets annoying.

Seriously, Ohio gets mixed in there?? It takes a minimum of 10 hours to drive from Ohio to any of those other states. And, even though I'm from the Midwest (technically), I still get confused with Kansas and Nebraska.

Postby **Oliver Dale** » Mon Oct 22, 2007 5:33 am

I so wish that I could audibly give you an imitation of Ollie saying "Put it in the byaaag" [not sure how to type it phonetically] in his cute little minnesotan accent. One of the high points of Endercon was making fun of his accent. Ah, the memories...

It sure beat the trunk...

...

... I'll never go back there... ever.

Postby **Luet** » Mon Oct 22, 2007 7:36 am

You make it sound like you were thrown in there bound and gagged. You got in there willingly, young man. It's your own fault that the experience was less than stellar.

Wind Swept · Postby **Wind Swept** » Mon Oct 22, 2007 9:42 am

And just what the hell is so bad about being a native???

Mostly just the jealousy of others. Starts to get on your nerves after a while.

Gravity Defier · Postby **Gravity Defier** » Mon Oct 22, 2007 6:50 pm

Hate to break up the MN love-fest Ollie, Kirsten, Fris and friends -only I actually don't hate to- but I need a word with Bob.

At least, I think you're still in here, Bob.

Had my first day back after break and soccer tryouts, and all I really want to do now that the day is over is throw my hands in the air as I dance around with a silly grin on my face.

I love breaks because they mean lounging around, taking time to sit outside and breathe in some fresh air, they mean time with my family and friends, reading and napping and then reading some more...and after about a week of that, it means boredom, which I hate and loathe and for my sanity's sake, need to avoid like the Dickens.

This break was no exception. A bit of insomnia and horrible sleep and I was ready to call it quits on teaching, and testify to the heavens -and everywhere else that would pay me the attention- that I'd rather do anything other than go back to school.

But, I dragged my tired rear out of bed when it was dark out still, I managed to wake the roosters up so they could wake the rest of the world up at a Godly hour, I got dressed, got to school and there I was. Right back where I should be.

The day passed quickly, the kids were as responsive and wonderful as ever, and I just had so much fun. Hell, even my coworkers are starting to understand a little bit what I'm like -quiet and timid as all hell until I find my place and then you better watch out, because the confidence brings the fire and then there ain't no stopping me. In other words, the principal and a handful of teachers are thinking I'm doing a brilliant job with the curriculum to a program that just started up at the end of last year, beginning of this year.

Then, I get out to the soccer field and a young man says, "But you're a girl...you can teach boys anything about soccer." Ha! 1.5 hours later, a few steals and some running from me, and that tune was being sung a little differently. As in, "Coach, think I'll make the team?" I missed this. It's been too long since I did this last.

All of that to say, at least for today, I am absolutely in love with my life.

starlooker · Postby **starlooker** » Mon Oct 22, 2007 7:05 pm

Nothing, it's just that people are so used to forgetting the existence of North Dakota that they tend to lump us in with people from everywhere else, "Oh, yeah, hey, you're from Minnesota/South Dakota/Ohio/Iowa right?" And this gets annoying.
Seriously, Ohio gets mixed in there?? It takes a minimum of 10 hours to drive from Ohio to any of those other states. And, even though I'm from the Midwest (technically), I still get confused with Kansas and Nebraska.

Generally only by people who really don't know a thing about the midwest at all. But it's more a state of mind. They have envisioned that I'm from one of those random states, so they pick one -- and North Dakota is never picked, because it's so completely out of their mental space.

But, who knows? I could actually be in Ohio in a year. Then, well, that'd change things I imagine

Olhado_ · Postby **Olhado_** » Mon Oct 22, 2007 7:36 pm

In the defense of all those people who envision the Midwest as a collection of states, who is to blame them there is really no distinguishing features at all, at least South Dakota has Mt. Rushmore.

Sure, this is coming from a native of FL; but at least we have the ocean to give us definition (until Al Gore has his way

).

As for Ohio sure from a regular map it might get in the way; but on a topographical map you can still see a bit more definition, then the Midwest states.

*sits back next to Bob*

"Hey Bob, how are you doing?"

Postby **Oliver Dale** » Mon Oct 22, 2007 9:00 pm

but at least we have the ocean to give us definition

Yeah, you and the twenty other states that border an ocean.

zeroguy · Postby **zeroguy** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 1:09 am

but at least we have the ocean to give us definition
Yeah, you and the twenty other states that border an ocean.

As opposed to being one of the thirty that don't. And sorry we can't have all of the definition of Colorado and Wyoming. I mean, how does one get those two shapes confused? I'll never know. (Argh where is my stoned kermit smiley, it's the only one I use!)

I've been in Illinois for over a year now, and I still get everything confused. I mean, who cares what's out here, really? MN and Wisconsin are north of me, a bunch of other stuff is south. I can't even remember what that one south of Iowa is. What the hell is in Iowa? Nothing. What the hell is in most of the midwest? Nothing. (Except Chicago.)

Edit: making up for lack of Kermit by adding excessive italics.

Wind Swept · Postby **Wind Swept** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 1:27 am

Who needs oceans? We're fractalicious.

Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

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