Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[anonshadow]

Edited: Since Jayelle asked so politely and so nicely.

[Jayelle]

I think dapyrox needs to be allowed to rant without the comments from the peanut gallery.

[ValentineNicole]

<whiney voice> Boooooooooooooooooooooob, </whiney voice>

I f****** LOVE HIM. Jesus. It started out as a rebound; I'll admit that. Regardless of that, it didn't stay that way. Shortly there after, I blew it. I compared him - outloud, nonetheless - to my ex-fiance. I painted him in a negative light. I wasn't serious about the relationship, nor about him. I didn't like him as much as he liked me - at first.
But now...
I'm NUTS about the guy. It absolutely kills me to go out with him and not shower him with every ounce of affection I have. I'm in tears thinking about wanting to just blurt out "I love you." The very thought radiates from my being, wanting to pour out from every inch of my skin.
I love him so much so that his flaws aren't even flaws anymore. They're something I love, frustrating as they can be. They're something that makes him who he is, some engrained part of his personality that makes him the man that I love.
Of course, by time I realized this, we're not together. Somewhere around the time that I finally began to fall in love with him, he fell out of love with me. He waited too long for the affection to be recipricated, too long to have his feelings matched.
Now, the one guy that I had everything in common with - we're both actors, writers, film buffs, theatre junkies...love the same movies, the same music, the same actors, actresses, foods, places, people...
IS GONE.
AND IT IS SO DAMN HARD TO BE "JUST FRIENDS."
I HATE square one.

[zeroguy]

Since I don't see Jebus around....

Boooooooooooooooooooooob

Hehe. Boob.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

It's not working.

I don't know why I'm surprised. But if anything, I've gone downhill since I started on this stuff rather than uphill. That could, however, be because of other things that just happened to come at the same time.

The day I started was the day the doctor told me I have diabetes. Because of that, I've been avoiding caffiene and sugars (today will be day 3 no caffiene). So I'm getting withdrawal headaches. And then yesterday she comes walking in like nothing ever happened. Not to mention that last night was the first Saturday night in a while where I stayed home doing nothing; that too didn't help.

It's not exactly a good 'test' of whether or not anything's working, but it doesn't get any easier, that's for sure.

My mom almost caught me yesterday. After 'running away', curled up in the fetal position face in my pillow... I managed to look a little less depressed when she came in, but it didn't work much.

I wish it would go away. I'd sacrifice my ability to love at all if it meant I could take away my unreciprocated feelings. I'd sacrifice my introverted intelligence that allows me to write and understand what I feel if it meant spending (and enjoying) more time out with people.

Would I sacrifice my life if it meant I no longer had to feel anything? Would I sacrifice my future so I could no longer feel the past? Or the present, for that matter? I don't know.

Please start working soon.

--Cam

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I'm discovering the convenience of having a boyfriend (i really hate that word for some reason, but it applies).

Last night, I went for a bike ride around 9:30. Got done. Went up to my apartment. Discovered that somehow -- I don't know if I was sitting on it or what -- I bent my housekey and it would no longer fit into my lock.

No cell phone. No wallet. Saturday, the weekend, my apartment's office is not going to be open till Monday and I'm supposed to be in Fargo by 8:15 on Monday.

So, I drive to said boyfriends place (all icky and sweaty from said bike ride) and I take a shower there and in the meanwhile he and his roommate fix the key with pliers.

Also, he pumped gas for me. Which weirds me out but oh well.

Learned two things. 1) Keys go around your neck, not in your pocket, 2) put a toolbox in the car.

and, oh yeah, having someone you can go to when you're having a practical problem is... a good thing. I guess.

I'm bucking an anti-dependent streak about three miles wide to be in anything approximating a relationship. Not independent. Antidependent.

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,

i tried and tried and started and stopped and tried again and yet, this entry--which i've been meaning to write for days, maybe weeks--just won't come out.

maybe this will suffice:


every afternoon when i walk from 26th and broadway to 59th and lex, the entire world feels brand-new to me, and i'm thrilled to witness it. i am learning to give myself the credit i deserve.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I told you so.

Another seizure today.
Hospital visit.
Going noticably downhill
Doesn't think he'll make it.
Asked to see all his boys.

Being right blows sometimes.

--Cam

[Jayelle]

Bob,

Nephew #2! Yay! I was totally expecting it to be a girl, but I'm excited that it's a boy.

No name yet, though...

-J

[Dr. Mobius]

Joshua is always a good name, go with that.

[Jayelle]

I wish. I wish they had gone with Joshua. Anything but Damien.

[zeroguy]

Dear Bob,

Some humourous spam today:

Hi,
Depression?

Life is bad? You do not wish to live? Depression? STOP!
You have dropped from work? Depression? STOP!
Problems in family? Depression? STOP!
The life has worsened? Depression has attacked? SAY STOP!
We know how to kill Depression! PROZAC MUST HELP YOU!
Try PROZAC now & in your life again will be sunshine...

It's not even like the normal spam-humour I'm used to... but somehow that makes it all the more funny.

-me

[VelvetElvis]

Bob,

So, a few years ago I was friends with some people that I lost touch with. I bumbled across one of them on myspace recently and found out that he and she got married. And have a son.

Two people that I introduced GOT MARRIED. And REPRODUCED.


Like whoa.

[Young Val]

bob,

i stayed up for hours reading a book, even though i was exhausted, because i just couldn't bear to stop until i was all the way through. it's been a very long time since i felt that way. i used to feel that way all the time. i'm too tired to articulate, and as much as i'll be hurting for this tomorrow--i'm glad i did it. i'm way too old to stay up this late on a school night, though.

[Jebus]

Dear Bob,

PWeb's life-signs are failing, get out while you still can.

[Dr. Mobius]

Nah, just put in the freezer for a bit and it should bounce back after a few days.

[Eaquae Legit]

With the cat?

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I hate ruminating on conversations.

I hate old childhood type pain.

I feel very sad.

I don't understand it any better than I did before I talked about it.

Please let me concentrate for the next two hours. Then I'll go home and sleep, I swear.

[wizzard]

Hey Bob, it's been a while.

Actually, it's been a while since I've posted here at all (though I have been lurking). I don't really have anything specific to talk about, I just haven't done any introspection lately, and this seems as good a place as any to do it.

Life has been pretty good. I was home for a month, and it ended up being one of the best months of my life. I felt like I was finally starting to gain some control of my social life, making connections and really getting to know the people I wanted to get to know (rather than just hanging out with whoever wanted to hang out, or whoever happened to be around).

Unfortunately, life moves on, and now I'm back at school, doing nothing but go to class, do homework, and play WoW. I'm falling back into the old patterns, assuming that if anyone wanted to talk to me, they would call me, or come find me, never going out of my way to meet new people.

Bob, why is it that all the people I'm closest too live at least 5 hours away? Why do I feel like no one here understands me, or is capable of understanding me?

I think I'm broken.

[zeroguy]

Dear Bob,

Though I try not to make posts in response to Bob replies (really, even though it may not look like it, I keep most comments to myself), this seemed a little too much of a coincidence to ignore. Especially because I've been thinking about it lately. Hopefully he doesn't mind.

I don't think I've seen a post so oddly completely opposite of me (referring to ^ ). I have been home for about a month/month and a half, and has, well, sucked. Living with my parents sucks, this whole damn area sucks (sorry, fellow mid-atlantians), and I really hope this is the last summer I am in the area.

I felt like I was finally starting to gain some control of my social life, making connections and really getting to know the people I wanted to get to know (rather than just hanging out with whoever wanted to hang out, or whoever happened to be around).

Amazing. This is just how I feel while at college. And now, when I'm at home, all I do is go to work, come home and play games/websurf for the much less amount of free time I have nowadays. (It is quite a sudden shock to go from doing nothing most of the day at college to being busy 10-ish hours a day.)

Eh, this is probably all because it takes at least around half an hour to drive to anyone I consider a friend around here, and such an event seems to happen rarely. I miss the friends I had that lived two feet away from me in the dorms. I miss the college schedule. I even miss the dining hall food.

And another opposite... I tend not to go to school in June...

-me

[Luet]

Dear bob,
I'm going to the therapist tomorrow. I haven't been thinking about it so that I can't chicken out and cancel. I've gone many many times before, so that's not it. I just know that this is the time to talk about It. And every time I think about doing that I want to hurl...or take xanax. And then immediately afterwards we're leaving for the convention that's this weekend. Which is going to have it's own set of anxiety-laden possibilities. Sigh. But my Kelly-belly comes in a week. I just need to get through the next week.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I just got home from my dad's place. I think I'm the only one who will consciously admit that he's deteriorating, badly. Physically one of the drugs he's on has given him quite the adverse reaction, and because none of the doctors would change his meds for so long he now has to be eased off it over 3 weeks, so despite the bloody sores covering his body he's gotta keep taking the medicine that's making it happen. Frustrating.

I feel as though my father is already dead.

But I'm home now, for a couple days before I head back out there on the weekend. I'm not feeling the same. I feel depressed. I feel as though I no longer wish to live. I feel angry at things. Yet I no longer feel "sad." I don't know if that's better or if that's numbing.

Thanks to my father's condition I've skirted away from my diabetes follow up appointment to tell me how f****** up I am, which is a plus. I'll have to do it eventually, but the pure fact that I have no appointment as of yet makes me feel a little better for some reason.

--Cam

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,
*giggles*

[Dr. Mobius]

My ranch is better.

[Eaquae Legit]

Dear Bob,

Today I got caught in a hairpull and was headbutted a few times before we could get her off me. Not my favourite day at work, and I couldn't even go have a nice, therapeutic cry from the shock. I'm trying to like this kid, but so far, it's just not working. Last time I saw her, she nearly ripped my shirt.

[starlooker]

***hugs*** Ali

*gives jellybeans*

[Young Val]

dear bob,

it's sunday. there are no secrets. i'm horrified.

[Petra456]

dear bob,

it's sunday. there are no secrets. i'm horrified.

I know! I'm so confused. Is there a reason or something?

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I'm Slipping.
Slipping and sliding down the slippery slope of depressiveness.

I find it difficult to sit down and not be sad.
holding tears in by clenching my face muscles sad.

I miss her still.
I miss having someone like that.

I'm sad that I never got to introduce her to my dad.
or anyone.
My dad has never once met any of my friends. Save for Dan that one time, and once when he met Kit at my grade 8 graduation.
I wonder what Kit's up to these days...

I wonder if my dad has ever seen me happy
I don't want to have a wedding without my dad there.

God I sound like such a woman, down because my father can't give me away.

The funny thing is that realistically, I'm not.
I'm not down because my dad's sick and dying.

I'm down because I'm lonely.
I am always lonely. I could be in the middle of a wide open field or trapped in a sea of friendly attractive women, and I would be lonely.
That is my sickness.

Yet I don't know why.
Perhaps I feel like there's noone I can truly share a 'connection' with.
Whether it's my younger brother, Dan, Ryan, or even Nicole, I feel as though they don't
No
I feel as though I can't fully connect with them on every level that is me.

Funny how those are the four closest people I've got, and I'm the most shy, scared, introverted person of them all.

Everyone's unique. I am never going to find someone who's just like me on every level.
Perhaps what I need, then, is someone who can at least relate to me on every level. Not neccesarily because they've been there before, but because they have the intelligence to existentialize things that they have felt accurately to things that I feel. I have that, hence I was able to help Nicole through her eating issues. Perhaps I need someone equally good at that, or better, to feel as though I can connect with them.

Perhaps that's why I feel so lonely, I am able to existentialize to where others are, and can thus see that they are unable to do the same to me.

Or perhaps I've made up a word with a definition nobody but me will understand.

But the important part is that I am falling, sliding, slipping down
And the only way up I know fades with the puff of smoke

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,
I just had my best night of the year, hands down.

Cobra Starship, The Academy Is..., +44, FALL OUT BOY. And I was close to the stage! I could die of giddiness and pure bliss. As soon as I wake up tomorrow, my work begins on loading the 100+ pictures/videos I took.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

Goddamn it.

Watch my ego go Crash! boom.

This is... arg.

But, yeah, bad day all around.

And having some trouble with, you know, articulating stuff.

Me

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,
Permit me to sound like the whiny baby I usually sound like, but I really am more than just a little disappointed in the overall reaction people in my life have had to my uncharacteristic giddiness and the driving force behind it. The two I expected to have the strongest reaction were more concerned with finding a Denny's, but I suppose I expected that at least a little. I know they were there mostly for the opening, anyway. My mom, well, she couldn't care less...they've never been her cup of tea. My little brother, I'll give him permission and overlook his reaction...he wanted to go and should have gone, before me really. They were his first, if you can word it that way. That idiot was more concerned with his beer. That one with stupid musicals (okay, I don't think they're stupid at all, I really like them but obviously, not high on my 'give a s***' list currently). That one with anything but...I could go on, but it's pointless. I just wish at times I had some friends who actually shared the same interests...because my type of giddiness doesn't thrive in isolation.

[neo-dragon]

*Super delayed response alert*

So Bob, that's it.

I made it through my first year.

Congratulations! I hope to be saying the same a year from now. But first I have to deal with that troublesome and frustrating detail of getting hired...

[Kaira]

Bob,
i had 3 hours of sleep last night because i had my two best friends sleep over it was alot of fun but i realized something... we can get really crazy with mountain dew and no sleep... i just wanted to verbaly state my gratitude for friends who have become the sisters i never had. im glad that we can talk about anything and everything. im happy that they forgave me so quickly for absolutly ruining a whole book for them in my sleepyness-- something i would have resented from anyone, except maybe them... im sooo glad they know how to calm me down and stop me from killing my mom when she wakes us up and gets off on a random tangent.... im glad they can suffer through my irritation.... i hate that they can tickle me so easily when im not expecting it. but im glad they can make me laugh. i love that boys have never come between us, even though my ex is now going out with one of them.... everything is cool. i love how were so comfortable with each other that we can pretend to be lez in public places and theres never any awkwardness. i love how protective of me they are when im 2 years older then them. i am soo gratefull that they have never let me give up on Prince Charming, and have always encouraged me to keep looking for him. i have awesome friends and bob.... i really hope we stay friends forever... as childish as that sounds... well im done with my tangent bob... to sum up : last night was really fun.. may many more nights like that come.
love u guys.
Kai

[v-girl]

Bob,

I have to admit, some days I am more scared than happy about going to med school. I start in one month. And I have to move away from home for the first time. I don't live at home now, but I live in the same city, and I see my parents at least every Sunday at church.

Am I finally becoming an adult? Heh. I'm not sure if I like it.