The New Geek Jokes Thread

[hive_king]

"If you're so Goth, where were you when we were sacking Byzantium?"

[Eaquae Legit]

H_K: "Nobody Gets Me!"

*gives Kirsten a cookie*

[Matty]

___________________Fe+2
_______________Fe+2____Fe+2
______________Fe+2______Fe+2
______________Fe+2______Fe+2
_______________Fe+2_____Fe+2
___________________Fe+2

Ferrous wheel!

[Firegirl]

*snorts, on floor dying of laughter, gets up, puts phantom glasses back in place with index finger, adjusts phantom pocket protector*

Yeah I am too much of a nerd/geek for my own good.

[vendor]

I would apreciate it if somebody here could remind me of the geek joke "You are here" but in the place of 'here' are the galactic coordinates of our system or Earth or something.

I recently found out that the taxonomy number for homo Sapiens is 9606.
I thought it would be cool to incorporate that into the joke.

9606 is (insert galactic coordinates here)

[Matty]

Remember, "quark" rhymes with "dork."

Many less-technically-sophisticated cultures have only obtained approximate values for well-known constants. For example, the number 3 is known as Eskimo pi.

[Qing_Jao]

http://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedt ... 4#comments I thought that one was pretty funny and thought you'd like it. The basis of th e comic is "what if Tolkien hadn't written LOTR as a book, but as a D&D campaign. Anyway, this one's about Schrödinger's cat (as a dwarf).

And the comments have some hilarious stuff in them too.

[Boothby]

E_L,

I hate to say this, but I totally get your joke.

That's, like, really bad in so many ways.

[ender1]

http://bash.org/?734797

[Young Val]

EL, it took me this long, but i actually get the nuances of your joke, now. wasn't paying enough attention to the screennames.

hilarious.

(although i feel like a moron for it taking so long).

[Dr. Mobius]

I was going through old files on my computer yesterday and I noticed I still have these in a text document:

Understanding Engineers - One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike." She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! Let's have a word with the greens keeper. "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree ask, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said. "Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?", the others said. "Yeah" he said, "If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Nine
John visited a psychiatrist and said "I need help. I go to bed and before I go to sleep, I start thinking that someone is under the bed and I can't sleep". The psychiatrist said "I can guarantee a cure if you visit me twice a week for a year. It will only cost you $200. per visit.". John said "that's awfully expensive, but I must do something. I'll call your office for appointments." The next time the psychiatrist saw John was on the street a couple of months later . He asked "How is your sleeping problem?" John said "No problem now. I mentioned it to Frank, my engineer friend, and he came to my house and sawed the legs off of my bed".

Understanding Engineers - Ten
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Understanding Engineers - Eleven
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Understanding Engineers - Twelve
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[vendor]

is this the place to put geek limericks too?
my little brother sent this one to me.

Integral z-squared dz
from 1 to the cube root of 3
times the cosine
of three pi over 9
equals log of the cube root of 'e'.

[Matty]

"Using models of stellar evolution," said the astronomer, "we can predict that the sun will go out in about 5 billion years."
"How long did you say?" asked the alarmed student.
"Five billion years."
"Oh, thank God. I thought you had said five million years."

Ba-dum-BISH

Oh, and about the first joke: I get all of it except what the screen names mean, and it's bugging me. Does someone else get it?

[Eaquae Legit]

I'm not sure if mecha, ranmasux, or tetsuos have any meaning, but "idquomaius" translates "that greater than which," which is a reference to St. Anselm's Ontological Argument for the existence of God. "g4un1L0" is Gaunilo, one of Anselm's critics.

[zeroguy]

* <russell> dude.. can u prove 1+1=2 ?!1
* <kurtykurt> stfu u teh gay
* <russell> * writes Principia Mathematica *
* <russell> lol i kick a$$...
* <russell> i proved 1+1=2 on page 360!!!11
* <kurtykurt> * publishes Incompleteness Theorem *
* <kurtykurt> pwn3d suxor
* <russell> omgwtf?!?!!1?! hax! :-(
-- Uncyclopedia

[Qing_Jao]

EL, Erasmus?

[Matty]

Ten things you will never, ever hear your physics professor say:

"Neglecting air resistance, relativistic effects, and conservation of energy..."

"Chemists use a different notation for this. It's more intuitive and elegant, so I'll use it."

"It seems as if you could just use a handwaving geometrical argument to set up this equation, but I'm going to prove that it's mathematically valid from first principles."

"I used a principle vaguely related to this in some work I did in private industry, but I won't bore you with the story."

"Now, most laypeople have an explanation for why this occurs. That explanation is completely correct."

"Next week's test on quantum mechanics will primarily consist of open-ended essay questions asking you to discuss its philosophical implications. It's my opinion that

learning to mechanically solve equations without considering the metaphysics is futile."

"I have research and administrative duties, but they don't keep me very busy, and teaching is my first priority, so feel free to stop by anytime."

"To be perfectly honest, discoveries in biology and medicine do much more good for mankind than esoteric physical theories. I have tremendous respect for anyone who does well in that field."

"What's the deal with physicists naming units after each other? It seems very narcisistic. I would never want a unit named after me."

"I prefer English units to SI units."

[Eaquae Legit]

Your momma's so fat, when she swims she's in the locative case!

[wizzard]

^HAHAHAHAHA

[Rei]

*snrk*

Okay... that has to be the only one of those jokes that has ever amused me.

[starlooker]

Psychology Geek Time

Case example: Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion, Toto

Rationale: This group of four individuals and a little dog is being denied in one paragraph since their reports were submitted together; we concluded that none have conditions requiring medical treatment, and that all of them would be considered prime examples of "worried well" individuals who are constantly in search of some kind of magical solution to their problems.

While the little girl who ran away from her Aunty Em's home may have a conduct disorder (after all, she did kill the so-called wicked witch whose assertiveness she found threatening), we would point out that running away from home, singing and dancing, hanging around with peculiar, oddly attired friends with grandiose expectations, and occasionally indulging a fetish for fancy footwear are all normative among adolescents, just as among psychologists attending out-of-town meetings.

~~~~~~~~

PTSD -- Psychotherapist Trainee Stress Disorder

Symptoms include, but are not limited to...

1. Overwhelming urge to strangle any person who glibly says, "You're having personal problems? YOU should know how to fix them, you're the psychologist, heh heh."
2. When someone accuses you of being "antisocial" because you have to study instead of socialize, you scream, "No, I'm being obsessive-compulsive! If I we're antisocial, I'd beat the crap out of you right now..."
3. Compulsion to diagnose and design treatment plans for TV characters
4. Getting excited about relaxing adventures such as grocery shopping.
5. Playing on the Internet all night to avoid any "productive" (as defined by your professors) activity.

This disorder is caused by...
1. Having to try to reason with people who are totally out of contact with reality -- e.g., professors
2. An average of 3 hours sleep per week
3. Working 2 part time jobs, in addition to classes and training, to pay for your tuition
4. A steady diet of bagels (munched while running from class to job to class) and chocolate covered espresso beans
5. Stat-ware packages that mutilate your project beyond recognition
6. Family, friends, and acquaintances who assume you'll always be their 24-hr free shrink, and never have any emotional needs of your own

[Janus%TheDoorman]

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are locked into separate cells, and given a single can of food, though no can opener, and told that if they get the can open, they'll be given another, and another, for a month, when they'll be released.

The engineer strings up the can using his shoestrings and the cell bars to fling the can at the wall faster than he can, opening it, and getting his food.

The physicist is able to figure out the best way to impact the can against the wall, and does so, getting all the food out of the can.

The mathematician is able to construct a proof that there is a single, best way to open the can, as well as the probabilities of getting anywhere from 50%-100% of the food out. However, he isn't able to figure out what the method is, and starves to death.


---

After receiving his PhD in astrophysics, a man is on his way to his first job as a professor, and finds himself in a train, sharing a compartment with a poet.

Bored, the professor asks the poet, "Do you want to play a game?"

More fascinated with the landscape, the poet ignores him.

Annoyed, the professor asks again, "Hey! I asked if you want to play a game. We ask each other questions, and if you can't answer, you have to give the other guy $5."

Sizing the professor up, with his briefcase and textbooks, the poet declines, figuring he's likely to lose more money than he wins.

Still bored, and now more annoyed the professor instead suggests, "Alright, if you can't answer one of my questions, you give me $5, but if I can't answer one of yours, I'll give you $50."

Now, the poet was no genius, but he certainly wasn't stupid, and so he accepts the professor's offer, and the Professor begins.

"What is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"

Having no idea, the poet hands the professor a $5 bill, and takes his turn.

"What goes up a mountain on 4 legs, but comes down on 3?"

The professor thinks for quite a while, even flipping through his textbooks, and an encyclopedia on his computer, but can't find the answer, and so he gives the poet $50, and the poet resumes looking out the window.

"Wait! You can't do this to me! What's the answer?" asks the professor.

The poet appears to think for a moment, and then calmly hands the professor a $5 bill.

[Eaquae Legit]

Caesar walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender asks, "Don't you mean a 'martini'?" Caesar replies, "If I wanted a double, I'd've asked for one!"

[Eaquae Legit]

[Olhado_]

I heard this on the radio:

A man is praying to God and asked him, "so is it true that to you a million years is but a second?"

God says, "Yes"

The man then ask, "then what is a million dollars to you?"

"One cent," said God.

"God, can I please have a million dollars," asked the man.

"It will be a sec"



-From Car Talk, NPR
Quoting a book "Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar" by by Thomas Cathcart, Daniel Klein

[BonitoDeMadrid]

Yo' momma is so fat, when she gets on the weigh-scale, it reads "TO BE CONTINUED...".

[Eaquae Legit]

Did the first few posts of this thread get lost in the transfer, because the original joke is gone.

[Slim]

A guy in my database class showed me this xkcd comic.

[GirlOnTheBridge]

[starlooker]

*laughs really hard*

[zeroguy]

I am thankful for my high school history classes just so I can get that joke. I think that's all they've been useful for, so far.

[Rei]

Hahah, that is awesome! *wanders off laughing*

[BonitoDeMadrid]

Sorry for the bump...just read some jokes I just had to bring here:

Premise I: Knowledge is power.
Premise II: Power corrupts.
Conclusion: Therefore, knowledge corrupts


Women are the product of time and money:
Time is money:
So women are money squared:
Money is the root of all evil:
So women are evil:


Three statisticians go duck hunting. Their dog chases out a duck and it starts to fly. The first statistician aims and takes his shot, it misses a foot too high. The second statistician aims and takes his shot, it misses a foot too low. The third statistician says, "We got him!"


An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black." "No, no, no!" says the physicist. "Only some Scottish sheep are black." The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black".


A mathematician, an engineer and a chemist are at a conference. They are staying in adjoining rooms. One evening they are downstairs in the bar. The mathematician goes to bed first. The chemist goes next, followed a minute or two later by the engineer. The chemist notices that in the corridor outside their rooms a rubbish bin is ablaze. There is a bucket of water nearby. The chemist starts concocting a means of generating carbon dioxide in order to create a makeshift extinguisher but before he can do so the engineer arrives, dumps the water on the fire and puts it out. The next morning the chemist and engineer tell the mathematician about the fire. He admits he saw it. They ask him why he didn't put it out. He replies contemptuously "there was a fire and a bucket of water: a solution obviously existed."


A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street café watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."


A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are sitting around and one of them says "It says here that Professor X has come up with a new theorem that all odd numbers greater than 2 are prime". Each person present thinks to himself:
Mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, the rest follows by Mathematical induction.
Physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime...
Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is approximately prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime ...
Mechanical engineer: 3 is prime, 4 is prime, 5 is prime, 6 is prime...
Computer engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime...

[Jayelle]

Women are the product of time and money:
Time is money:
So women are money squared:
Money is the root of all evil:
So women are evil:

This joke is always dumb. Not just because it's, you know, offensive to women, but mostly because the MATH IS WRONG!
In the joke, Time and Money becomes Time multiplied by Money. Time and Money should become Time + Money, and that just renders the entire equation moo.

[Claire]

Women are the product of time and money:
Time is money:
So women are money squared:
Money is the root of all evil:
So women are evil:

This joke is always dumb. Not just because it's, you know, offensive to women, but mostly because the MATH IS WRONG!
In the joke, Time and Money becomes Time multiplied by Money. Time and Money should become Time + Money, and that just renders the entire equation moo.

Actually usually when people tell the joke thats the case, but the way its worded here is women "are the product of" time and money, so it would be multiplication. But the joke is still overused and boring. And I never see it the other way around, with men as the product of time and money, which is just as "true". Or you could say that success is the product of time and money, in which case you get success=evil.