Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[Luet]

bob and all,
Sorry I'm not posting much. I'm here and reading and thinking of you all. I really think I need more medication. I tried all week to get in touch with my former, and hopefully future, psych nurse practitioner. But she still hasn't called me back to set up an appt. I just do not feel well. Not depths of despair but having a hard time with normal every day functioning.

[Gravity Defier]

*hugs* This has been going on for a little bit, so I hope you are able to get in touch with the PNP soon. Not for Pweb-related stuff, though you know I love you being here; for Nomi-feeling-better stuff, because I want you to feel okay. Love you.

[steph]

*hugs* This has been going on for a little bit, so I hope you are able to get in touch with the PNP soon. Not for Pweb-related stuff, though you know I love you being here; for Nomi-feeling-better stuff, because I want you to feel okay. Love you.

Couldn't have said it better. Love you, Nomi!!

[mr_thebrain]

agreed

[Eaquae Legit]

*many hugs for Nomi*

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

Before I post the rest of this very vague post about how awful my life is, I should probably start out by reassuring you that Little Bit is just fine, as far as I know, and prenatal is still on for Wed.

That said.

This is one of the worst days of my life. I am a f***-up, humiliated, angry at myself, and in quite a goddamn bind. On top of it, I have to go to work for the next forty-five days and pretend everything is peachy-keen. If I do that, I get to keep my insurance for the next two months. If I don't, I'm out on my ass without unemployment or insurance.

f***. f****** f*** f***.

I hate myself, I hate myself a lot, I am such a letdown, story of my goddamn life.

Will try to be more optimistic later.

[Gravity Defier]

Oh no; that sounds very not good and very scary.

With or without details, I know you're amazing and if you must hate yourself in the moment, I'll love you anyway, so you're covered. *many massive hugs*

[steph]

*hugs Kirsten*

I love you. And so does Donny. (And little bit, for that matter.)

[Luet]

*more hugs for Kirsten*

I'm so sorry that things are so rough right now. I so hope it gets better very soon in any and every possible way.

[starlooker]

Thanks, everybody.

Cheesy-symbolism that is making me feel somewhat better: I saw a huge double rainbow on the drive home tonight. It was nice.

[Syphon the Sun]

I saw a huge double rainbow on the drive home tonight. It was nice.

Whoa. So intense. Whoa. Oh God. What does this mean? What does this mean?

[starlooker]

That refracted light is pretty. And pretty things make me feel better.

[Eaquae Legit]

Oh man oh man oh man

Bob, I just got an email offering me the chance I've been dying for for over a year - teaching Latin in the fall. I really really want it. The person offering says she knows I'm pregnant and things can be a bit flexible for me. I really really want it! I may not get the chance again, not here.

I think that I will just have to make arrangements for immediate post-birth and say yes. I can't let this pass by.

[GS]

Bob,

Life is crazy right now. I ended up getting a second job. I am working an additional 20-25 hours. It is super flexible and I am able to do almost everything from home. But this new gig is all on me. If this doesn't work, it is my fault. I am super nervous. It is all so mentally draining. But I am getting adjusted. This is week two and I've made some real progress. I think the pay off (literally) is going to come when I get that first pay check. I may be able to get out of debt in like three months. Not to mention that this could turn into a full time role. I think the "what ifs" of this situation is going to be worst. I love stability on the job front and there really isn't any right now. Bunch of lay offs at my full time job and this project just might not work, even if I do everything right. So, I could go from two jobs to none in a snap. That is a pretty terrifying concept. *deep breath*

Personal life? There is a girl about. I don't really know how I feel about her. I like her and really enjoy hanging out with her, but she is already trying to force things into a more serious type of relationship. I don't want that at all. I have hung out with her a handful of times, three of those being just her and I alone. The past two times, she has tried to force the issue. I think that I am quickly becoming one of her top priorities and she is not even close to being near the top for me. Family, friends and career are all firmly ahead of her. And with the new job, I have almost zero time to myself during the week, so everything is getting squeezed into the weekends. And my weekends are pretty much booked until mid-September. I think I need to have the "talk" with her tonight. It sucks because I do like her, but...I don't know. *sighs*

Other stuff? Moving to Jersey seems more and more likely. This also affects the situations above. In a perfect world, I get laid off from my full time job, collect my severance package and work full time at my part time job. This is kind of a pipe dream, but would be totally awesome. I will have to about October until my friend gets his place. But I lived with him a college and would definitely be better than my current situation. Plus, I would appreciate a change of scenery. The girl? She doesn't fit into these plans at all.

Lots of moving parts in my life right now. Hopefully they all move in the right direction.

[Brian]

Bob,

The more I look around me and see how happy everyone is in there cliques and niches that they have found it makes me realize how i'm not suited to be in any of them. No Bob, it't not like i'm not welcome. It's just that I don't belong in any of them. Which sucks cause I really like it here but if I want to be happy then I have to find my own little slice of the world that I can be myself without fear of being left out of things. I know its petty Bob and its not a big deal, but it still hurts getting left out of things your "friends" are doing because.... well.... if I knew that it would make things easy now wouldn't it? Its not like this just started happening ether Bob this has been going on for years. So it's about time I moved on.

One thing is for sure though Bob. Wherever I go. Whatever I do. You can bet your ass that I'll do well!

P.S. Not sure if cursing is okay here. If it is not, I am sorry, and mine is not the largest of offences. So I apologize.

[zeroguy]

P.S. Not sure if cursing is okay here.

s*** no! Get the f*** out of here with your dirty words!

[Mich]

Dear Bob,

On Saturday night I slept with a girl. Just, like, actual sleeping. In my bed. This was after a night of cuddling while watching a movie. Thing is, we were just friends. I was kind of wondering if it would lead to something else, but after we had disentangled ourselves from the couch post-cuddle, and I realized I was now sober, and also that I had absolutely no attraction to this girl. Whatsoever. We've been friends for a few years, and I really like her and find her rather adorable, but that she also drove me crazy after more than a few hours with her because she's just too... something.

She apparently didn't feel the same way, and today contacted me over Facebook to have a talk. She wanted to know what the cuddling and slight handholding was all about and how I felt about it. So I told her the truth, that I was comfy and enjoyed it at the time, but that afterward was thinking about it and realized that it meant absolutely nothing to me.

Bottom line is, I now feel absolutely horrible, and this is the second girl who I've friend-zoned. I do not become friends with many girls. I'm eventually going to run out of the ones I can friend-zone.

Love,
The guy that finds most people annoying given a long enough time period.

[Gravity Defier]

A Bob page that doesn't have an actual Bob post from me yet? Inconceivable!

Dear Bob,

My niece had been fainting a lot, so she was taken to a doctor who ended up saying she was dehydrated. He thinks she's in the early stages of anorexia. Her mother wouldn't argue against that possibility; she says she's had a harder time as of late getting her to eat (or drink) the way she used to. If that's the case, the prevailing theory is that it's, as I hear is quite common to the illness, an issue of control and having any at all. Because I can't count the number of times she's moved homes and schools, to start with, let alone the issues in her every day life thanks to her stupid beyond measure parents.

My poor baby.

[Luet]

Awww, that's terrible! How old is she?

[Gravity Defier]

12. She'll be 13 in December.

[steph]

That's horrible. My prayers are for her tonight.

[Gravity Defier]

Thank you; that means a lot. She's my first little person, the original midget, and she's so beautiful and smart and selfless and I could just destroy worlds using the anger and frustration I have over how her and her sisters' lives have been. It's so, so, so unfair and a significant part of me will struggle 'til the day I die with forgiving my brother and his ex. They've deserved so much better.

[Eaquae Legit]

Oh how awful! My prayers, too. Poor girl.

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,

What on earth made me think it was a good idea to take a novel bootcamp class in hopes of churning out a damn draft of this thing once and for all?

Bruised ego aside (and yes, my ego has been bruised), these people are IDIOTS. "I hope this doesn't offend you, but I've re-written every single sentence you sent in according to my particular tastes, instead of offering you any useful or constructive criticism."

Every bone in my body just wants to scream out "DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHO I AM?!?!" But I can't tell them. So I suffer silently.

AGONY.

[locke]

sounds like you need to refer to the autobiography of Mark Twain particularly upon the essay/letter in which he rips into an "editor" who rewrote his introduction to a book on Joan d'Arc. It's awesome.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I have a problem. Yeah, big surprise, I know. Show up again only to complain. I just needed to write 'to' someone, or something.

I feel like my life has been in constant decline ever since I left Ohio. Had a great girl with no good reason to leave her. Had a job that at least made me feel important, and the pay wasn't half bad either. Had a plan for my future, things to look forward to. I wasn't even all that happy - I mean really, I was living in Ohio - but it was my peak (so far).

I get back, have to work more and harder while my career stalls until eventually I've had enough and get myself "let go." End up going a step backwards in my career, back to answering phones all day. I spend the next two years living in limbo, in a place I don't even want to be, convinced that completing school will be my way past the ceiling I hit. And then what?

What, indeed. I've stunted my social growth here throughout my time in this city "knowing" that when I finished school I'd be off to the big times. I've purposely given myself absolutely nothing. Nothing in my life except a job that I hate. Oh, and the apartment I rent that I have to leave within the next few months. I know I'm not where I want to be and that's fine, but where do I want to be? I've just told myself I'll move where I find work.

I had my first interview yesterday. A family member had the title I am pursuing, so it was at his direction that my resume was submitted. The job? Wandering grocery store aisles trying to sell banking services. Okay, kind of a step back, but I can deal with that if that's where I need to go to get where I want to be. So I asked, straight up, how the position was getting me any closer to my goal. Their answer? It's not.

I'm stuck. My career is going nowhere and that means my life is going nowhere, because I've devoted myself to moving my career forward. It's a vicious cycle, I don't want to set down roots here because I don't see my career going anywhere here, yet I hate my job and am finding myself in need of outside socialization.

I've definitely noticed a decline in the strength of the social relationships I do have as of late. I indulge my selfish mind getting bothered when they don't realize how important their interaction is to me. The truth is, it's when I sit down and actually tell people what I'm feeling that I recognize my need for such interactions. It's also not until then that I'm ever able to figure out whether I'm just being used or not. Filtering people out while simultaneously feeling the effects of isolation. SMRT, I am.

The unfortunate part is through all of the people subjected to any of my filters, I've yet to have anyone to actually seek advice from. I want empathy, not sympathy, and I'm sorry but the people I have only know one. The people in my life don't have the drive that I do, and the ones that do have kitty litter thrown at them.

I just need to get moving. Get somewhere, something. Litter would be a godsend instead of these banana peels.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Here's something I didn't expect to be saying any time soon: Saturday after work, my dad will be helping me with Chicago related business.

This week.

Dad.

Things related to Chicago.




It's actually a very small deal but the mental/emotional stuff behind this is just mind-blowing to me.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Where was this 117 posts ago? Thursday morning, after I got to work, I logged into Gmail and lo and behold, there was not one, not two, but three emails waiting for me with the word "Chicago" in either the subject or the viewable portion of the message. One was from my dad and it said:

"I don't want you to go to Chicago but if you're going to go..." followed by a link to a position. It was a good position. The money is right, it's something I think I could do.

I spent a few hours after work today getting things prepared and updated and actually submitted the application. Bob, I just officially applied for my first Chicago job.

Now, I'm not silly. I don't think I'm going to get the first one I apply for; I assume this is going to be a long process and one I didn't intend to start until October but, well, here we are. The best part is, I have my dad's support. He has been clear about it. He'd rather I stay in AZ but he will help me every step of the way. That was amazing to hear, especially given my mother's rather icy reception of the non-news news. She's been reading things on FB and taking comments I make in person and being generally passive-aggressive with them.

Add in little, but still meaningful comments in the Things That Remind You thread about Chicago and things just feel like they're right and moving in the right direction.

There's more to this story but I'm saving that for my blog; I need to have something for it and this topic tends to bore people anyway, so I'll close with the last really awesome part of it all.

When I got home from submitting my application, I had a package from Nomi waiting for me. Included was a beautiful, beautiful beanie for the cold. She made it for me to add to my "Chicago" wardrobe collection.

[Eaquae Legit]

With an earpin, too! You're all set to go!

It always means so much when parents are supportive, even if they're worried or sad or whatever. I think they tend to forget that sometimes in their worry that we're going to hurt ourselves somehow. Good for your dad!

[steph]

Bob,

Where was this 117 posts ago? Thursday morning, after I got to work, I logged into Gmail and lo and behold, there was not one, not two, but three emails waiting for me with the word "Chicago" in either the subject or the viewable portion of the message. One was from my dad and it said:

"I don't want you to go to Chicago but if you're going to go..." followed by a link to a position. It was a good position. The money is right, it's something I think I could do.

I spent a few hours after work today getting things prepared and updated and actually submitted the application. Bob, I just officially applied for my first Chicago job.

Now, I'm not silly. I don't think I'm going to get the first one I apply for; I assume this is going to be a long process and one I didn't intend to start until October but, well, here we are. The best part is, I have my dad's support. He has been clear about it. He'd rather I stay in AZ but he will help me every step of the way. That was amazing to hear, especially given my mother's rather icy reception of the non-news news. She's been reading things on FB and taking comments I make in person and being generally passive-aggressive with them.

Add in little, but still meaningful comments in the Things That Remind You thread about Chicago and things just feel like they're right and moving in the right direction.

There's more to this story but I'm saving that for my blog; I need to have something for it and this topic tends to bore people anyway, so I'll close with the last really awesome part of it all.

When I got home from submitting my application, I had a package from Nomi waiting for me. Included was a beautiful, beautiful beanie for the cold. She made it for me to add to my "Chicago" wardrobe collection.

[Luet]

I may be biased but I think you look gorgeous, darling.

[locke]

Hooray for stocking caps (beanies)!

[Eaquae Legit]

Hooray for stocking toques!

Fixed that for you'll.

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

Sorry I've been gone so long; things have been pretty tough recently. I found out early last week that a fellow I acted with in the last play was found dead in his apartment. He was quite young and it came as a major shock. Official statement is that it was an accident involving rope, which knowing him is actually well possible, although some part of me still fears that it's a cover for suicide. I'm choosing to believe them, though, because it is a better and happier thought and I would like that for him. The funeral is tomorrow. I've not been to a proper funeral since I was six years old. It will be interesting.

I also found out Saturday morning that the current play I'm in has set the Saturday show for a matinee. I work on Saturday. That weekend is only a fortnight off. I really, really, REALLY needed to know this a month ago because I CANNOT risk this job. It took me six months to find a job and I will not risk it only three weeks in by asking for a day off on short notice. I've already had to juggle this week so I could make it to J-'s funeral. I have a worst-case-scenario plan, but I'm not at all happy about it.

In slightly happier news, today we cycled out to Stamford Bridge and had a picnic in someone's orchard on the outskirts of the town. The weather was absolutely glorious and there was champagne and strawberries and cheese and olives and baguette. We all had a wonderful time.

Anyway, that is all for now. Sorry again for so much absence. I'm trying to bring myself to face the world again slowly.

~Rei

[Luet]

*hugs for Rei* I'm really sorry about your friend.