Cause Breakin' Up is (Still) Hard to Do

[Gravity Defier]

I just dont understand girls.

I don't either. And I am one.

I am almost always surprised at how stupid I can act at times.

[Young Val]

[edit]

[Paul]

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii wwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo SCREAM!

well, by all means do so... but not so much that your throat hears... Thats what just happened to me at the k-state/texas game yesterday... now i cant talk. sorrry off topic...

[I don't either. And I am one.

well, its good to know that im not the only one....

sometimes i wish i was gay (well, not really...) caus i understand guys. Once you understand our underlying patterns we act very predicably.

Anyway, does anyone else do this? Its happened with several girls. You become very good friends with them and end up hanging out almost exclusively with each other. Almost like a surrogate boy/girl-friend... Before long everything turns into a mess of sexual tension...

[powerfulcheese04]

Anyway, does anyone else do this? Its happened with several girls. You become very good friends with them and end up hanging out almost exclusively with each other. Almost like a surrogate boy/girl-friend... Before long everything turns into a mess of sexual tension...

Yes, but not exactly. For instance, right now I have this guy friend that I talk to all the time online and our relationship in person is rather flirtatious. But, he has a long term relationship recently made long distance; as do I. So, there's not really sexual tension, but he's almost like a Mark-surrogate.

[Young Val]

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[Young Val]

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[starlooker]

There's a Cathy cartoon where her mother comes to rescue her from getting a haircut in which the punchline is, "When we're feeling most cut off from life is when we're most likely to pay someone to come at us with a pair of scissors."

God knows that's applied in my own life.

[Young Val]

[edit]

[anonshadow]

Oo, hair dye! What color?

[Luet]

As far as panic attacks, I never experienced them until this latest period of depression I've been going through over the last year. I highly recommend some benzodiazapenes, like xanax or the like. Do you have health insurance? Benzos have gotten a bad rap cuz people do sometimes abuse them but if you only use them when you really need them they can be a life saver.

[zeroguy]

it's officially time for break-up hair.

I must say... I've never heard of break-up hair before. I assume this is because I'm a guy.

[Petra]

I don't do break-up hair. I do break-up shoes. And clothes.

[ValentineNicole]

Breaking up (in particular this last break up) is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life.
It's made much harder by the fact that the person who supposedly loved me desires to spread lies about you all over forums in the pettiest way possible.
I would like to state that these past few months have been the hardest of my life. I continually bounce back and forth from extreme depression and even suicidal thoughts to trying to get over everything and focus on friends and family that support me.
I'm also dating someone else.
It kills me. It kills me that I'll never give all of myself to this man that I'm dating, at least not now. Not yet. I'm not ready to do so.
It kills me that every chance I get, I compare him with my ex, who I loved more than anything.
It kills me that I read every one of his posts about me. That I can't stop. That I read everything - the blunt truth and the harsh exagerations of it.
I'm not innocent. I kissed another man. Albeit, we had been off and on for about a week at the time. My fault, but still. We were not officially together, and it was just a kiss.
I pulled back. Many times, actually, but eventually it just happened.
I called Cameron. I called and told him what happened. I apologized. He gave me an ultimatum - never see my friend Brian again, or lose him. I asked for him to give me until midnight, at least to say goodbye.
He couldn't wait.
He messaged me that I was a whore, and that he was going to show the world that. He had some extremely private pictures that I never would have agreed to if not in a commited, monogamous relationship that I trusted with all my heart. Without additional notice, while I was out saying goodbye, he posted these pictures all over my myspace, hacking my account. He emailed my father as me, claiming I was a whore in the literal sense. My younger sister was the one who found the pictures, and called me to come home immediately. My baby sister and my baby cousin saw as well.
I forgave him. I asked him to prove to me he still loved me; to take me back. I nearly flew out, and he stopped me. I nearly drove out, and my mother stopped me. I still want to, despite how little he cares.
I'm failing out of school; debating suicide; going back to unhealthy eating patterns; and all around hating life. I break down at least once a week about wanting it all to end. I have no direction in life other than Cameron. I have no hope,no future, nothing.
So, yes. Breaking up is f****** hard as hell.

I wasn't going to join pweb again. I kept telling everyone I wouldn't. It was his. I let him have his place to vent. I can't take it anymore. I can't take this bullshit. I love him - yes, you, Cameron. I love you more than life itself. But I can't take what this is doing to me. So I'm letting you go. You said you wanted me to stop calling, to stop needing you, to stop trying to fix us. Well, consider me stopped. It's over.

[daPyr0x]

and i just don't see how this is going to happen. how i am going to keep getting up every morning and putting on the facade of living my life, and listening to music and going to work and eating and sleeping and getting dressed and taking a shower and all of these things that i do now because i must do them because if i don't do them then there is nothing to do and i am scared of the emptiness and i am scared of stillness and i am scared because i am beginning to realize that i have never been so totally alone before in my entire life, and that all of the other times i ever felt alone what i was really feeling was loneliness which is awful and difficult, but also different.

because loneliness is the feeling that yoou ought to have people around you, you ought to have this security and understanding and comfort and safety and companionship and trust and you feel like you ought to have it, like you had it once or remember having it, loneliness is missing it. it's wanting it and missing it and feeling like you need it and should have it but you don't and so there is this overwhelming sense of emptiness and you feel totally isolated even when surrounded by a ton of people. and i've felt that before and i understand the difference now.

because now i am ALONE. and the difference is that i don't feel as though i'm missing something that i once had or that i feel as though i ought to have things that i don't and mourning that absence. i just feel totally and completely alone. just. me. and i don't even have all of me anymore, cause i gave most of me away. most of me is off with henry, across the street. and i can't get me back. and i don't even want me back because it's a package deal and i can't get one without the other. i am just alone. and i feel and know this complete sense of nothingness that i don't know how to work my way out of. and i know people say it's possible and that they've done it and i know that they're right and they do, and f****** spare me, because in an ideal world i understand that that might happen for me to, but i don't believe in it.

i don't believe in it. the way i believe in things. to believe in something, to have FAITH in something, to have this knowledge this understanding that these things, any thing, are possible, i don't believe in this. i don't believe that this will ever end unless he ends it. and the only way he can end it is by, what, trite. cliché. happily ever after. f***.

i will get up everyday. i'm not saying i won't. i will. i will get up every single day and i will go through all the motions because there is no alternative so i'll do it and i'll pretend that there are things that are worth getting up for and there are but i won't ever have them.

Val,

I never thought I would see someone who could, in such a detailed and accurate way, describe exactly how I was feeling. How a big part of me still does feel. It feels like you don't even KNOW who *you* are anymore...because all of you is so set around you and them that you can't differentiate anymore... It feels like the you that you are you're no longer allowed to be, you have to change totally so you CAN differentiate yourself. When you get to the point of seeing other people, it's like you either A) need to find someone exactly like that person, or B) need to find someone totally different....

I move along......rather quickly....because I force it upon myself and I force distraction on myself through work (73 hours last week...) and other people...but I've been there.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Kel; if you ever need to speak to someone, someone who can relate far too well, by all means pm/im/whatever me.

[Petra456]

and it has come to the point in time where i must do what all girls must do eventually. today is the day.

it's officially time for break-up hair.


pictures later.

My break-up hair color of choice is red.

*is now currently a red head*

What's yours?

[anonshadow]

Breaking up (in particular this last break up) is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life.
It's made much harder by the fact that the person who supposedly loved me desires to spread lies about you all over forums in the pettiest way possible.
I would like to state that these past few months have been the hardest of my life. I continually bounce back and forth from extreme depression and even suicidal thoughts to trying to get over everything and focus on friends and family that support me.

That's such a bitch. One minute, you're ready to try, and move on, and get over it; the next, you just want to die. I know the feeling. I've found that keeping myself surrounded by people helps me, so if that also works for you (and, honestly, even if it doesn't), it's wonderful to have people who care about you and are willing to be there for you, no strings attached.

Does it at least get a little easier with every day?

I'm also dating someone else.
It kills me. It kills me that I'll never give all of myself to this man that I'm dating, at least not now. Not yet. I'm not ready to do so.
It kills me that every chance I get, I compare him with my ex, who I loved more than anything.

*wince* That's hard, and I know the feeling. I never compare(d) my current boyfriend to the guy I dated before him, but I know that, were we to break up, I'd compare whatever guy I dated next to him, and always feel like I was settling and like the new guy wasn't good enough.

Well, that's not true. I compare all my boyfriend's bad traits with my ex's. When he get annoyed and tells me to f*** off and leave him alone, I immediately jump to him being exactly like my ex (who was rather abusive)--because the ex told me to f*** off sometimes, too.

And intellectually, I'm understanding more and more that the comparison is just plain unfair. I turn every little thing my boyfriend does into a lot more than it needs to be. I'm trying to get past it, but it's a hard thing to get past, you know?

Because, generally, he's a very sweet guy. And he really doesn't deserve to have me lose my mind every time he tells me to shut up or leave him alone. And in the grand scheme of things, that occasional "shut up" is not half as big as I make it.

It kills me that I read every one of his posts about me. That I can't stop. That I read everything - the blunt truth and the harsh exagerations of it.

I can't ever stop myself from doing that... I used to read my ex's emo LJ (as opposed to his normal one), because he talked about his romantic situation in there. And it hurt, because at the time, I was still in love with him. (This was almost two years ago, now.)

But I kept doing it. And after we broke up last summer, I kept reading it, obsessively. I wasn't even in love with him anymore; it just hurt to read about all the girls he deemed better than me.

So I did.

I'm not innocent. I kissed another man. Albeit, we had been off and on for about a week at the time. My fault, but still. We were not officially together, and it was just a kiss.
I pulled back. Many times, actually, but eventually it just happened.
I called Cameron. I called and told him what happened. I apologized. He gave me an ultimatum - never see my friend Brian again, or lose him. I asked for him to give me until midnight, at least to say goodbye.

Personally, I have a lot of respect for someone who is willing to do that, and I think it shows how willing you were to make sacrifices--even sacrifices that took part of yourself away--for him.

He couldn't wait.
He messaged me that I was a whore, and that he was going to show the world that. He had some extremely private pictures that I never would have agreed to if not in a commited, monogamous relationship that I trusted with all my heart. Without additional notice, while I was out saying goodbye, he posted these pictures all over my myspace, hacking my account. He emailed my father as me, claiming I was a whore in the literal sense. My younger sister was the one who found the pictures, and called me to come home immediately. My baby sister and my baby cousin saw as well.

*sigh* While this may be unreasonable to say, and count as slander against a board member and all that, I think that quite enough has been said against this board member that I can make a few little statements about her break up:

Personally, I would despise anyone who did that. Not even my ex, who was nasty, abusive, and unreasonable as all hell in the end, would have done that. He just wouldn't have. At that point, he was definitely starting to hate me (despite having proposed a month earlier), and he would never have done anything like that. I asked him once, recently (we were trying to get back to being friends until my current boyfriend decided that he wasn't okay with that), if he would ever have considered doing that. He looked like he was going to be sick, and informed me that doing that would be like raping me on international t.v.

I forgave him. I asked him to prove to me he still loved me; to take me back. I nearly flew out, and he stopped me. I nearly drove out, and my mother stopped me. I still want to, despite how little he cares.
I'm failing out of school; debating suicide; going back to unhealthy eating patterns; and all around hating life. I break down at least once a week about wanting it all to end. I have no direction in life other than Cameron. I have no hope,no future, nothing.
So, yes. Breaking up is f****** hard as hell.

I can understand that. So well.

If it helps, I think you have a direction in life that has nothing to do with Cameron, and I think you can do it.

Please try to keep eating, one item of food at a time.

*hug*

Take care of yourself.

[Young Val]

[edit]

[neo-dragon]

If it makes you feel any better, based on statistics, about half of these marriages will end in divorce.

[Yebra]

If it makes you feel any better, based on statistics, about half of these marriages will end in divorce.

Whey! More breakup fun...

[Young Val]

[edit]

[ValentineNicole]

I totally understand that..
I keep looking at wedding fliers, pictures, seeing it in movies, hearing friends doing it..
It's so hard. It's hard to comprehend that I don't have that. I won't have that.
I wanted it so badly, and now that it's over, I still can't fully wrap my mind around it. I get slightly queasy each time, and yet I cannot make myself stop...
But then again, when was I ever good at stopping things that were bad for me?

[Young Val]

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[daPyr0x]

Val: I got that impression - the OCD stuff.... You really should try and talk to someone about that if you can, letting yourself get into that will only make it harder to get out.

I do the same thing with wedding stuff... Hell, the mere mention of the word still makes me close my eyes and see myself at the altar. I still wake up from dreams of it with her. I still, in some way, see it as possible. I don't know how to convince myself otherwise. I still see houses for sale and think about buying them together. I still watch home improvement shows and relate them to working on our home when we're married. I can't let go.

anonshadow: Yes, I am a horrible person. What I did was inexcusable, and I never expected any forgiveness for it. I regret it. I'd take it back if I could. However, in some sick way I am glad that it happened, because otherwise I'd be in a relationship that I wouldn't want to be in, unsure of how to get out. I don't care if you despise me. I don't care if you think I am akin to Hitler and Stalin. What is done is done, I cannot take it back no matter how horrible of a person that might make me.

Nicole: I just think you're funny.

[anonshadow]

Okay. Cameron:

1) Please refer to Kelly's above post, re: your response to Nicole. It's not cool, it's not on, cut it out. Please, thanks.

2) I don't want to hear anything else about how you're happy it happened, because I wasn't talking to you. I also would thank you not to put words in your mouth, because I don't think that's you're important enough to the world to be counted as a Hitler or Stalin (sorry, I just don't.)

I was talking to someone else, about her break up. People tried not to butt into your conversations to talk about her, so you owe her the same courtesy. Especially since I was under the impression that you were going to let this go, and stop talking about it on board.

Catty remarks =/= ceasing to talk about it.

[Young Val]

i don't f****** believe this.

[anonshadow]

*sigh* I'm sorry, Kelly. I will delete the post.

[Young Val]

no. leave it.

it's not just you. at all. and if you delete the post it won't end there. it will go on and on and on. so let it be what it is.


i'll go deal somewhere else. you kids have fun.

[anonshadow]

Okay. Are you sure?

I will delete it, if you want.

[powerfulcheese04]

Yeah. Nicole and Cameron both need to take it off board now that they're both here.

Complain to your friends on AIM. Complain in your lj's. Complain on the phone. But don't do it somewhere that you're both members.

For serious.

I've done this before. Garrett and I split up. He got sheroes. I got pweb. Eventually I went back to sheroes because he was done badmouthing me there.

You two need to either figure out "custody" or shut up. For yourselves and for us.

[Hegemon]

I don't see anything wrong with their doing it here as long as they don't cross the forum rules and it stays relatively localized within a small number of threads. It would be more problematic if this ran over to a dozen threads, like Cam bashes Nic in the movie review thread and she bashes him in the voter turnout, but until that happens, there isn't anything inherently wrong with their airing their grievances over the breakup.

However, and this is directed to Cam and Nic, don't break the rules when you are bitching about each other.

[anonshadow]

I don't think it's possible for that to occur without continous escalation and people lashing out at each other, and I also would like to remind people that this is Kelly's thread.

I honestly do not see how Nic and Cameron can talk about their s*** in this thread, with their posts right next to each other, without somebody losing their cool and needling at someone else.

This is Kelly's thread. I do not think that constant tiptoeing across a minefield is going to help anyone with their break ups, let along Kelly, who really needed this.

I'm not saying that Nic and Cameron do not need it, but them posting together in the same thread is not going to help anyone. Maybe they could each start their own threads, where at least this needling (like what we just saw) could be kept to a minimum, and away from people who do not want to see both of their posts.

Including THEM.

[mr_thebrain]

so this thread is for group counselling for break-ups... except in their case.

personally i think it's the perfect thread for them to have it out... if that's what they're going to do. beats them taking it to other threads.

i should hope their mature enough to keep it on a somewhat civil and adult level.

and i don't see as how kelly has to avoid the thread now that other people have problems. i think more than one person can use it to bitch about their break-up woes. and recieve support from the community.

we as a community just have to keep from taking sides in their case.

[powerfulcheese04]

Their bitching about each other here is not the same as Kelly venting about Henry.

It ruins her safe place.

Kelly needs this space and Nicole and Cameron need to grow up and take all complaints about other board members off board. It's a good policy that most boards have and if we don't on this one, we should.

Now this safe place for her is gone because those two need to air their dirty laundry and fight about. FIGHT ELSEWHERE. We care about both of you, we really do. But we don't want to watch you destroy each other. So, take it away.

[daPyr0x]

Ho.
Lee.
Fawk.

Me talking about my "breakup woes" has been going on since this forum was rebirthed. Suddenly she joins, I make one snippy post - directed more at anonshadow than anyone else - and suddenly we're both dicks.

Me bitching here IS the same as kelly venting about henry. It's the exact same f****** situation, and the exact same deal. The only difference now is she's decided to come on and retalliate.

Jesus Christ people. Had I not been trying to keep this s*** off the boards there would be a lot more posts back and forth between the two of us; all I do is make one post and there's this big ass argument over whose thread is whose, where I can and can not let out my frustrations regarding mine and her mistakes, and who I can and cannot talk about?

f*** this s***.

Kelly: I'm sorry. I do realize that this thread was your safe haven. I wanted to be one of the (many) members here who could share their struggles going through similar situations and be able to support one another. I am sorry that the thread was degraded to this point.

[anonshadow]

Cameron:

She has as much right to be here as you do, doesn't she? This isn't like someone you just broke up with finding this board, and joining. This is somebody who has been a valued member for a long, long time rejoining the board.

Now that this long-standing member has rejoined the board, I am sure you can see how the situation has changed. I am also sure that, if you stop to think about it, you can see how the dynamic has changed to make this thread a place that is not for support, but for needling.

I think that that much was made evident when you replied to me. I haven't said anything to you regarding your break up in days, in accordance with the reminder that Kelly posted recently regarding proper thread-etiquetee; however, when I replied to Nicole about her situation, you couldn't help but feel like I was attacking you. And, as an add-on, you aimed a very nasty comment at her.

Can you really say that this sort of thing will not happen again? Can you say that your time on PWeb is somehow more meaningful or should be accorded more weight than her six years' history on the site?

Please do not put all of this on her rejoining the board, either--because, again, this is her place as much as yours, and I know that many of us have felt that your posts have been toeing the line as is, long before she joined.

There have been PWeb relationships that have broken up before. Do you recall any of them airing their laundry on board like this, and if so, do you remember thinking that it was appropriate?

Breakups suck. Pure and simple. They suck, and they hurt, and they leave people feeling angry and vengeful. They turn affection and adoration into fury and hate and rage. They turn trust into feelings of deep, deep betrayal. They leave you feeling raw and exposed.

We can all appreciate that.

That doesn't mean that, on some level, we do not need to take responsibility for our actions and look at what they're doing to the people around us. It can be as hard to be between a breakup as it can be to be in one, and I would have hoped that you would award your friends the respect of not being in an even more difficult position than they already are.