Confessions of a 20-something mother

[Jayelle]

As a companion to my Bob post... hung out with some people last night, lots of friend potential.

BUT... here's my confession: one of the women is 8mo pregnant and keeps saying how she knows nothing about childbirth, breastfeeding or what to do with an infant.
ACK. I understand a little bit about being freaked out, but I am SUCH a researcher - I read every book and read so much online when I was pregnant. I just don't understand someone who wants to know nothing. I have to stop myself from going "OH HOLY CRAP, HERE IS ALL THE INFORMATION YOU NEED TO KNOW!!!" I know that I probably know TOO much, but maybe you should find out just a little bit about infant care before you have one. /judgemental

[Eaquae Legit]

I would have figured that by 8mo, she would have done some research! I mean, no need to rush out and buy the whole shelf at Chapters, but when you're that close...

[Eaquae Legit]

*sigh* I'm just not in a party mood....


Later: Aaand, here I am in my room, while the party continues on. Ah well.

[Gravity Defier]

Clutter is a really touchy subject for me. I go back and forth between being ashamed of my room and all my possessions and being vaguely proud of them, like, "This is a physical manifestation of who I am, all collected in this space."

Saying that second bit makes me want to yell at myself Fight Club style and tell myself I am the all singing, all dancing crap of the world (and not my job, khakis, etc.).

But, either way, people always seem so judgmental about it. "Oh, you dirty consumerist, you should be ashamed of how materialistic you are and how you define yourself by the things you own."

I mean, I kind of get saying that if I'm trying to keep up on all the latest electronics and cars to keep up with the Jones, if I'm acquiring things just to say I have them or what have you but the snobbery I sometimes encounter is staggeringly strong.

I try not to be a snob to people who are into minimalism if that's what floats their boat; I don't get it entirely but I can sometimes, when I sit and think about it, understand it to a point. I mean, I do sometimes think that when I die, my stuff will likely end up getting junked and that means precious resources were wasted and are now taking up space in a landfill somewhere and so in that regards, it makes sense to not buy much that isn't a necessity.

Granted, I will be the first to admit there's a lot in my room that could go, that I wouldn't miss or even notice wasn't there, that is truly closer to the trash end of the spectrum, but...for a lot of the other stuff, I like the stories they tell, the memories they invoke, the feeling of familiarity and Home and sense of self.

I try not to encourage my clutter-loving self because I'm frightened I'm secretly a low-mid level hoarder and that I see as a symptom of psychological issues (and I do believe I have enough psychological problems without needing to add another) but, seeing this interview about a week ago made me feel a little better and less alone and not so surrounded by snobbery and holier than thou-ness.

Parts I especially liked in bold.

Lisa Kogan: You like beautiful things.

Nate Berkus: I do. But even more than that, I like things that remind me of where I've been. Who I've loved. Who I love. And where I want to go.

Lisa Kogan: Wow...my things remind me that I should probably dust more often.

Nate Berkus: [Laughs] I'm just saying let's admit that our things mean something to us when they do. But let's also admit when they don't. Let's really look at what we want our homes to say about who we are.

Lisa Kogan: Mine says I like a good tag sale. Actually, I hit a few flea markets after seeing a makeover you did on your show. I spotted the coolest little creamer, and I could hear you whispering in my ear, "That doesn't have to be for serving cream."

So now there's a silver Deco creamer on my dressing table, and it's holding a bunch of Q-tips -- one of a bazillion things currently cluttering my apartment.

Nate Berkus: For a long time I was hell-bent on clutter-free living. I was a ruthless editor when it came to my possessions, to the point where my homes were very sparse, very minimal.

Then I realized that's not who I am. I wanted to be surrounded by things that moved me. I wanted to have tabletops piled with books and shells and candles. But it took me a while to let go of this very rigid idea I had, of what my space should look like. Once I started letting stuff in, I really started making a home for myself.

Lisa Kogan: How do you decide what to let in?

Nate Berkus: What I've come to understand is that if things have meaning, if they sing a little song to you when you look at them, that's when you can really start breaking the rules, quote-unquote, of design.

The confession being, I guess, that I feel judged in regards to my most sacred space and it doesn't sit well with me, even if I don't entirely disagree with those I imagine are passing judgment.

[Luet]

My confession would be the opposite. I have absolutely no interest or desire for knick-nacks or decorating and I feel judged for it. My mom and SIL and good friend all are VERY into decorating and talk about it all the time. I feel like a freak for not caring at all. For years, I tried to put a nominal amount of effort into finding little things to decorate my house with that I 'kind of' liked. But eventually, I just gave in to my spartan ways. If it doesn't have a purpose, I generally don't want it around (with rare exceptions). We do have a few pictures on the walls. The ironic thing is that when I was in elementary school, I wanted to be an interior decorator. Ha!

[Young Val]

David and I are obsessed with the following things:

Nature documentaries.
Herbal, caffeine-free teas.
Talk radio/podcasts.
Going to bed at 9pm and waking up at 5am.

At the ripe age of 28 we are fast becoming cranky old people.

[Eaquae Legit]

I love watching BBC documentaries. You should see if you can stream "Springwatch" somewhere - it's like this month-long series of "let's look in the live cam feeds and see what is being born/hatching/waking up from hibernation!!" It's earnest and sincere and adorable, and they do it every spring.

Also, "Wonders of the Universe" is a really good series airing right now. It's sort of cosmology, and you'd probably enjoy it.

[ender1]

Going to bed at 9am and waking up at 5 am.

You guys are are either sleeping for 20 hours or you meant 9pm...

[Young Val]

Good call.

Although after a day like to today I'd gladly sleep 20 hours.

[Nehali Sophia]

but...for a lot of the other stuff, I like the stories they tell, the memories they invoke, the feeling of familiarity and Home and sense of self.

Lisa Kogan: You like beautiful things.

Nate Berkus: I do. But even more than that, I like things that remind me of where I've been. Who I've loved. Who I love. And where I want to go.

Lisa Kogan: Wow...my things remind me that I should probably dust more often.

Nate Berkus: [Laughs] I'm just saying let's admit that our things mean something to us when they do. But let's also admit when they don't. Let's really look at what we want our homes to say about who we are.

Then I realized that's not who I am. I wanted to be surrounded by things that moved me.

Lisa Kogan: How do you decide what to let in?

Nate Berkus: What I've come to understand is that if things have meaning, if they sing a little song to you when you look at them, that's when you can really start breaking the rules, quote-unquote, of design.

I hear this. Even if I'm more of a minimalist. What I do keep, I feel very, very strongly about. There's a mosaic & a couple of candles, a couple of books & a couple of quilts that have been in every room I've lived in since I first started university 8 years ago.

I've actually been thinking a lot about how to bring beauty into my world, especially through my possessions. As in when I was unemployed, I spent a lot of time on design blogs & even created a digital mood board of the different things I would try in different rooms if I ever won the lottery. There was much, much more to my thoughts than I could ever fully articulate here.

[Eaquae Legit]

Although I tend to be a packrat, there are a few very important things that travel with me everywhere I live. I like things with stories, things that remind me where I've been and what I've done and who I am. A lot of them are goofy little nothings to anyone but me.

As a consequence of that, though, it looks very scattered. How does the bright blue Fischer-Price dragon match the batik South American wrap? Or the many colours and styles of quilts?

Ah well. At least it's me.

[Young Val]

Ali, we've been devouring the BBC/Discovery Channel "Planet Earth" series recently. We also love the PBS show "Nature." I'll definitely check out the two you mentioned; they sound right up our alley.

Regarding the whole clutter/interior design/judgemental coversation: I feel like I have been at all points on that spectrum.

I do sometimes feel judged about my apartment. I know, though, that the judgment is only coming from me. Given our strict, strict budget I think we've done a great job with using the things we already have to create a warm and inviting space. Spending money on decor is absolutely not an option for us at this point in time. I'm such a nester, and such a homebody; my living space is important to me, and it's imperative that it emenate comfort and stability and warmth. We do a fair share of entertaining, and I always freak out before guests arrive--convinced that our space isn't sophisticated/elegant/hip enough. I know that doesn't matter, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't struggle with those thoughts. I have also been known to get jealous of people (particularly people my age) who have beautiful living spaces that are (to me) ideal. Ah, jealousy.

David is a minimalist (with the exception of books. Like me, he can never have too many. See also: cookware). His ideal living space would be incredibly sparse. Blank walls. Sleek, modern furniture. Black. White. Chrome.

I kept raving like a lunatic for the first few months we lived in our current apartment because we couldn't afford curtains. We had blinds, and David thought that was just fine, but the lack of curtains--ANY curtains--drove me nuts. I waited and waited and waited until there was an huge sale at a nearby fabric store and then I scooped up armloads of cheap, sheer white fabric and spent two days making and hanging curtains on almost every window in the apartment (still missing: kitchen--but that's less imperative). David was away for the weekend while I did it, and although he noticed the change, it didn't matter to him either way. That baffled me. I'd been in a constant state of unease with the bare windows. They just looked like eyes, haunting me. I truly could not rest until curtains--even chintzy ones I'd made myself--had been hung up.

It's been an interesting compromise trying to create a space that says "home" to both of us as far as design goes. So far we've been pretty successful. There are some pieces of furniture that he loves that I HATE but I've made my peace with them. I REALLY want to paint and he wants white walls only, but he's promised I can paint when we move. Lately my colors of choice are lots of whites and eggshells and greys. So many greys. With red and blue and yellow pops of color. But mostly greys.

He has definitely influenced me in that I now abhor clutter in my own personal space. If things aren't neat I can't relax. This is annoying. But it does keep clutter in our apartment to a minimum.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to be the WORST nester when I'm pregnant and am probably going to drive David CRAZY. Ah, things to look forward to...

[Eaquae Legit]

Although I tend to be a packrat, there are a few very important things that travel with me everywhere I live. I like things with stories, things that remind me where I've been and what I've done and who I am. A lot of them are goofy little nothings to anyone but me.

I was reminded of this today. I used to use a particular box for my spare change. It is possibly the worst-constructed little box that could still deserve the name "box", and pennies are always falling out. But I treasure it more than any other box, because it was made especially for me by a man I used to care for/live with. I had to bribe him with an old typewriter (he wanted to break one apart).

It didn't come with us to England, and today we went out to get a little box for our spare change and laundry money. It's very pretty and I like it a lot, and will probably continue to be the "display" box. But I will never, ever throw out the box Francis made me. Ever.

[Confessions]

I'm terrified of everything.

[Confessions]

I have a secret!

[Gravity Defier]

I don't know what a hipster is, who falls into that group, or whether or not it's good/bad to be considered one. I care enough to be bothered by this but not enough to do some Google searches.

[Eaquae Legit]

I don't know what a hipster is, who falls into that group, or whether or not it's good/bad to be considered one. I care enough to be bothered by this but not enough to do some Google searches.

Without disturbing your blissful ignorance (which I envy), I can assure you that your post guarantees you're not one.

[zeroguy]

I first heard of the word "hipster" from this comic, so it will always remain meaningless to me, even after I've heard people explain what it means.

[Syphon the Sun]

I don't know what a hipster is

NSFW. All the people staring at the "poetry slam" or whatever it is.

[Gravity Defier]

I don't know what a hipster is

NSFW. All the people staring at the "poetry slam" or whatever it is.

I see that and I think:

Eww, gross. Did she just cut her pants open so she could pee on her hand/the floor? I liked those pants. And I hope that was pee.

Hey, idiot, can openers work better if you're not doing a weird, hunched over scissor-leg stance. Surfaces tend to be helpful, too.

Baaaaaa. But, they probably think that about people like me.




I heard the word "art" thrown out during the video, and I don't want to get into whether or not it was art -I took a class once that started off by having us define what is and is not art and I remember getting an unsatisfying, open-ended answer- but I can't help but be scared by that. That exact sort of pretentious (as far as I'm concerned), self-congratulating "This s*** is more than just s***" attitude is part of why I shied away from the art scene in college. The other part was that I'm a wannabe, no talent hack but still, the option was there. I wanted to slap these people and tell them, "No, really. Sometimes s*** is really just s***. Now excuse me while I go look at the pretty stuff that stirs emotions within me and that other pretty stuff that is nothing more than pretty." That makes me feel snobby and pretentious but there is just so much about postmodern art that I can't comprehend.*





*"Excuse me, miss. Do you have a book on how to comprehend comprehension?"**



**A question I was asked at work.

[Syphon the Sun]

Eww, gross. Did she just cut her pants open so she could pee on her hand/the floor? I liked those pants. And I hope that was pee.

I'm pretty sure she cut them open so she could masturbate, then pee on her hand.

[Wil]

I am so confused over what I just watched.

[Rei]

Confession: Everyone tells me that Sandman is an amazing comic. And it is very well done, I agree. But most of the way through volume two, I'm finding that I can only read it in small chunks because it is very hard to read. Almost too hard.

[Gravity Defier]

Eww, gross. Did she just cut her pants open so she could pee on her hand/the floor? I liked those pants. And I hope that was pee.

I'm pretty sure she cut them open so she could masturbate, then pee on her hand.

Oh. I saw her touching herself but it truly did not register as masturbation, even with the few shocked looks in the audience; it seemed to lack the pleasure I tend to think of as being a necessary byproduct of it.

Not to say she didn't enjoy that little performance -after all, some people get off from being watched- but...it seemed to be all about shock value and making a capital "p" Point, whatever it was.

Okay. I've put way too much thought into this. I stand by my previous comment that sometimes s*** is just s***.

[mr_thebrain]

i don't think there was any masturbation, i think she was just pulling aside her panties... ya know, don't want to get those messy.

so i watched it and thought 3 things:

get a new can opener.
where do you get black spaghetti-os
man, i don't like peeing when a guy is standing at the urinal next to me, she peed in front of that many people... can't say she suffers stage fright. though she was shaking a lot.

prolly the drugs.

[LilBee91]

Confession: The sheer variety of alcohols intimidates me and makes me really glad I don't drink.

[Gravity Defier]

Confession: I think that if I'm not around to remind him every day, he's going to forget who I am, that once he thought I was worth being around, and that I care about him. I also think that's when he's going to find Her. Which would be good for me but it's still going to hurt something awful.

I did not talk to him yesterday. In my mind, that means I'm practically non-existent to him and mean nothing at all to him.

Yes, I am that pathetic.

[Eaquae Legit]

For months I tried to figure out who "Jason" was that I had added his number to my cellphone. I don't know any Jasons, I thought confusedly. Eventually, I deleted the number.

A couple days ago I realised it was probably from when Rei and I met up with neo-dragon.

I am irrationally irritated that I don't still have the number so I can check with him if it was him.

[neo-dragon]

Yeah, I bet it was me.

You really don't know any other Jasons?

[Eaquae Legit]

Not outside of pweb, I don't think so.

[Gravity Defier]

Yeah, I bet it was me.

Oh, Jason. How are we supposed to have a successful run at marriage if you are giving your number out to other women -married women, no less- but you won't give it to me? Communication is the very foundation, you know.

[neo-dragon]

I don't recall you ever asking for my number.

[Luet]

I just called to make an appt with my former therapist. It's been about a year since I've gone but I feel like I need to talk out some of my mom issues. I keep having dreams where I am screaming at her. I have a lot of anger that I can't express to her but I do need to talk about with someone. I hope it helps.

[zeroguy]

That Chris Hansen avatar actually has startled me a few times. The guy just looks creepy! And he's always peering out from things in 4chan images all the time.

[ender1]

That Chris Hansen avatar actually has startled me a few times. The guy just looks creepy! And he's always peering out from things in 4chan images all the time.

Why don;t you take a seat over there and we'll talk about.