Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[steph]

Dear Bob,

I am so discouraged and disheartened by the judgments I've seen thrown around so easily about mothers lately. It's coming at me personally, I've seen it from friends as they gossip about other people they know, from relatives talking about statistics in their state. Judgment, judgment, judgment. I am in tears thinking about all of it right now.

Being a mother is, I think, the hardest job in the world. All kids are different, there are so many tactics to try as we teach our kids the things they need to know to be respectful, hardworking, good people. But yet, because I don't do things someone else's way, I must be wrong and they have to take it upon themselves to show me just how wrong I am. You know, if my kids were their kids, they OBVIOUSLY would be perfect angels instead of the devil spawns they are, since they have it ALL figured out with their 3 year old. My friend's daughter is a handful, so she OBVIOUSLY doesn't know how to do this parenting thing, because otherwise, she'd have control of her daughter. Moms are leaving families OBVIOUSLY just because they are selfish and want to party. There are no POSSIBLE other solutions or reasons or ideas.

I wish that people could throw their judgments out the door and have compassion for other women, who are daughters of God. He entrusted these women with those precious spirits, so don't you think we should be helping them instead of tearing them down? We are all trying to do a hard job, and it's not a contest to see who can do it the best. It's a life of teaching and loving and doing the best we can with what we have. And it's FREAKING HARD!!!!!

[Luet]

*hugs Steph* The older I get, the more I realize that I don't know enough to judge people. You are an incredible wife, mother and woman. Anyone who insinuates differently, doesn't know what they are talking about.

[Gravity Defier]

*hugs Steph* The older I get, the more I realize that I don't know enough to judge people. You are an incredible wife, mother and woman. Anyone who insinuates differently, doesn't know what they are talking about.

ALL of that. Exactly just like that.



--------------------

Bob,


The depression is worse this year than last as near as I can tell. Maybe it always feels like that in the middle of it but at least by this point last year, I had admitted to myself that it was time to get help and either had or was about to have my first session by this same week.

I have these really great highs, wonder who I should go to with them, can't justify going to anyone, and then go through these awful, awful lows. I am starting to think it's bi-polar and not plain old depression.

After finishing up all the pressing things at work today, I sat at my desk and although I didn't cry -questions are best avoided altogether where possible- I wanted to and I felt completely hopeless. For an hour, I had nothing left to give or feel, other than a desire to curl in on myself and just cease being. None of it for any discernible reason.

Hold me to this, Bob. January 1st the new plan kicks in, so I need to set up an appointment to get this looked at more seriously than I tried last year. I will always have these issues but I can control how bad it gets and I'm tired of it getting this bad. I'm tired of waking up thinking it would probably be best that I hadn't. I exercise as much as I can to try to help, I try to get sleep, sun, I try everything I can but it's not enough.

I feel very ashamed. I didn't feel that last year. It's like every instance of someone telling me I'm crazy, weird, or different made me think I am wrong. I don't know why; I know in most cases, they didn't mean a thing by it.

Anyway. I'm going to see if there's anything else to post and then, I hate to say it, I think I'm going to shut the lights off and get as close to comatose as possible. Two more weeks, two more weeks, and then I can start fixing me.

[steph]

*hugs Steph* The older I get, the more I realize that I don't know enough to judge people. You are an incredible wife, mother and woman. Anyone who insinuates differently, doesn't know what they are talking about.

ALL of that. Exactly just like that.

Thanks, guys. I appreciate your love and support.

[CezeN]

Dear Bob,

The semester is over. Now I look back and reflect.
Thanks for the easy classes. No homework, and virtually no studying. However, will I be prepared for a serious courseload--possibly next semester--after taking this one?

Yes, I am unsatisfied with my social situation. I have yet to find that best friend that I could do anything with. That person I can work out with, play basketball with, and go to parties with - and always have a fun time. The person I'd call up anytime I felt like eating with someone. My current friends are okay; they just can't keep up with my interests. They don't know how to party. You don't need alcohol, you just need have fun. You can do that through talking to new people or dancing. Truthfully told, they bore me. I wish Omari was here. I almost wish it was Middle School again.

I feel gipped. You gave me the smallest dorm. And, though I've networked outstandingly given the area, I can't just help wonder how different it'd be if I was somewhere else.

Thanks for the basketball group, though. Out of all the times I've played, playing with those friends from Mct has been the funnest. I wish the people of my dorm could put aside their lack of athleticism/skill, and we could just have fun playing a sport.

So Bob, my New Year's Resolution? To branch out outside my immediate group of friends. Maybe party with Sam and his friends? They were cool, and he's pretty chill. Maybe connect with my fellow Nigerians? That plan's already been set into motion.

Thanks again for the courage, though.

[Claire]

Bob,

If I remember correctly, today is my 8 year anniversary with PWEB. If I don't remember correctly, I can't be too far off.

8 years! That is insane. I was 14 when I joined, I'm 22 now. I'm a completely different person now than I was my freshman year of high school. Or at least...I hope I am!

Love,
Claire

[Eaquae Legit]

Today I realised just how stressed I am about the move and all the accompanying hullabaloo. It was like being hit with an Obvious Brick[TM]. Wow. I think I'm going to set aside some dedicated time in the next few weeks to just relaxing and feeling calm. Harder to do than say, though. Ah well. Two weeks isn't that long!

[Confessions]

Bob,

This just proves that you should never give up. God, who would've thought? One year ago, six months ago, even- nobody believed in me. Almost nobody. Not me, nor any of my family, nor one of my best friends. Not my therapist, either. My other two best friends always expressed confidence that I'll be fine someday, but for all I know they might've been faking it for my sake. Turns out they were right- how did that happen? But they'd always been the two wisest people I know.

I pat myself in the back for this, even though it's stupid to do that. The achievement had probably been there several months earlier- my altered, cheered, healthier state of mind, and my eagerness to keep it. Its manifestation appeared not much later (four months?), and I've never felt like this before. Most of it is genuine enjoyment of life and its wonders, right now, being happy in a way I've never been before, the novelty of each day and what it could bring.

And that's amazing. But also I'm reveling in finally feeling normal, being able to share the most significant aspects of my life with a rather wide range of people, having my mom stop worrying about me for the first time in years. I congratulate myself on getting over that thing that's consumed my life for the past few years, and that's a bit presumptuous, and I can finally feel superior over other people, like that awkward guy in this one class or that character in that book. That's what I don't like, because I haven't actually defeated any monster, just gotten away from any physical vicinity where it could dwell. I know that, I've seen that enough over the past few months. Moved a few hundred feet in a certain direction and this year would've been an exact repetition of last one. I've enclosed myself in the safe bubble that any science major is sucked into.

That's not a bad thing; I'm finally happy, I enjoy the beauty in the small things or whatever, I can finally see myself living in my hometown, or somewhere else (it matters less now); I can see myself having a future, and not a miserably pathetic one at that. There are several theories; one, something's changed inside me, I've gotten better, yay me. My therapist tends to like that one. Two, that Thing was a creature of adolescent imbalance, and I've outgrown it. Three, change of location. All of these are true, I think, and I'm afraid of being too optimistic but I've never been this happy here. I can drive past painful locations of my childhood and not run over anybody (but I still leave social gatherings early if they grow too heavy on the rape jokes). My policy right now is guarded optimism, although sometimes I don't do a very good job of guarding it.

I'm enjoying the holiday spirit, despite the un-holiday-like weather and atmosphere. Merry Christmas, Bob.

[Luet]

(but I still leave social gatherings early if they grow too heavy on the rape jokes).

Buh? Rape jokes? What about that would ever be funny. I don't think I would leave, I would tell them to stop.

[Confessions]

Dear Bob,

I'm feeling horrible. This morning's drive to work was like something out of my miserable adolescent past. I can feel myself spiraling downward, and hating myself more and more, and I feel paralyzed from doing the things I know would help to stop it. I'm feeling better now than I was this morning, but these things are coming in more and more frequently. Self-destructive thoughts are in the picture, too. They are fleeting, but present. I'm not worried, really, about acting on them. It's more like how nausea and a fever signal that something is wrong with the body, those kind of thoughts signal something wrong with the mind. I feel very alone. And very fake. And scared, too. This is a different dimension of bad feelings from the norm. There's a certain self-destructive apathy present. A numb, unwillingness to move to help myself or anybody else. I want life to consist of lying in bed surrounded by blankets and nothing else. I resent that it does not.

[Mich]

Hey Bob,

I will be out of the office until next Sunday evening. Please leave a message.

Love,
Mich

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,

David and I have a State of the Union talk scheduled for mid-January so we can discuss making it legal and procreating. I know, right? We set aside specific time to discuss important things (moving out here, for one example, creating a monthly/yearly budget, for another) in our relationship. It seemed a little strange at first (my previous experience with relationships is that you don't discuss anything, ever, and everyone is always miserable), but it's been working really well for us.

I have become increasingly upset about the fact that our plans for the future are so nebulous (see previous Bob post). I finally mentioned my concern and David and I made a date to discuss it. The topics on the table, as mentioned above, are marriage and kids and David's decision to apply for law school and what that decision will mean with regard to the two previous things.

David--he is wonderful--is really looking forward to the talk, and I feel immense relief knowing that my concerns and needs are definitely going to be discussed and addressed.

However, I am really, really, REALLY terrified that it's going to turn into that episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte proposes to herself.

Charlotte: I proposed to myself.
Carrie: What?
Charlotte: Yes. I suggested he have a tomato salad, then I suggested we get married.


Which...is not even remotely what I want to happen at all.

[Luet]

Dear Bob,

I just spent 2.5 hours on the phone to my manic brother. Turns out he went off his bipolar meds a couple months ago. He went to the ER yesterday because in a moment of clarity, he recognized that he was having a manic episode and they stupidly discharged him with no meds and told him to go to a clinic on Monday. He is still in a full blown mania. After getting off the phone with him, I looked through our measly collection of alcohol and fixed up a faux-margarita. It is the first time in a year that I have made myself a drink. I needed it.

[Syphon the Sun]

David's decision to apply for law school

You guys should definitely check out the legal market in your area before making any kind of final decision about law school, given that the legal sector in general is still hemorrhaging jobs every month and law school admissions and LSAT examinations are at their highest points in U.S. history. Most of the projections are showing more and more competition for fewer and fewer jobs for the foreseeable future. That doesn't mean law school is a bad investment; it just means it could be a risky one, for the time being.

[Young Val]

Thanks for the advice!

David's been looking into it thoroughly since we moved here a year ago. He's met with several lawyers in our area (some family friends, some referrals) repeatedly to discuss the job market and schooling, whether or not this would be a good fit for him personally, various applications for the degree, what he can realistically expect to invest as far as time, money, and sanity goes, what type of grades he'd need to get in order to best position himself among the competition, etc. He's done a lot of research and come to the conclusion that he wants to go for it.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

What is it with this month and the people in my life thinking it's the perfect time to break my heart? I can never build walls high enough or thick enough to keep them out.

But it always comes down to the same thing. "Oh, that Alea, she's so strong, she'll get past this."

What else am I, though? Let's go through the list:

Crazy
Dramatic
Weird
Forgettable
Ignorable
Unworthy
Naive
Pathetic
Leave-able

But strong! So strong, right? Who cares if one by one, people always leave me? There will be more to come and take their place, so that they can eventually leave me, too! Who cares if it gets increasingly harder to believe people when they say they care? Who cares if I have heard every f****** excuse and story and apology in the book?



f*** December. f*** every person who has left me for a mistress, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, for distance, for deciding I'm not worth making any time for.

Most of all, f*** me for having foolish optimism.


Why is it so damn hard to just disappear Ender-style? Why do I have to keep going along with this stupid game called life?

[Confessions]

Bob,

Self-sabotage is what I'm best at, no comparison. I have a very big hole to dig myself out of tomorrow and tuesday and if I don't succeed, I have contingency plans for less than half of it. When will I ever learn? Why would I ever take the time to apply to a bunch of jobs and then not check my email, because I can't deal with opening it?

Probably after I accept the prescription for anxiety meds.

I've been wrestling with this being an issue for 2 years, since a doctor first told me I should consider it, wrote it down, was handing it to me, when I was like, no, really, I'm fine.

But really, I can't go on like this. Why could I not have taken care of this two weeks ago when it wouldn't have been that bad?

[Mich]

Dear Bob,

Well, I just had about one of the most awkward, out-of-nowhere conversations of my life, over that extremely awkward device the telephone. My ex-roommate and I are trying to get people together to go to this place that has trampolines for floors and walls (!!!) and it turned out one of the invitees, a different ex-roommate, was still out of town with his girlfriend (also a pretty good friend of mine). They called me back to tell me as much, and almost immediately the conversation shifted to them telling me to ask my ex-roommate out. It's been brought up before, by many different people, and they're all probably right, and it's funny because I've been trying to get alone together with her for a completely different reason. And that completely different reason would definitely be a lot worse with some sort of meaningful romantic relationship in my life.

But then my ex-roommate's possibly-ex-boyfriend (they're really good at being on good terms, to the point of extreme frustration on my part) is moving to town and will be borrowing the extra room at her apartment to live in while he finds a place to live and work in town, so that... that complicates things even more. Then add in the fact that every single male friend she's ever had has professed their undying love for her, the fact that she always makes the first move in relationships that she's interested in, and the fact that I have just enough romantic experience to fit onto the head of a pin, and, well, I'm writing to you. It helps, sometimes, to lay it all out, I suppose.

I'm bouncing off of the walls, or will be soon, Bob.

[Syphon the Sun]

He's done a lot of research and come to the conclusion that he wants to go for it.

Then I'll be wishing him the best of luck! And if I can ever help with anything, just let me know.

[Luet]

Dear bob,

My brother is really not doing well. He is in the hospital again but this time it's 50 minutes away which is making visiting very difficult for everyone. His wife is also making things more difficult. I just want to curl up in bed until he is all better. I haven't cried yet but I know it's coming.

[Gravity Defier]

*hugs for Nomi* Did he check himself in and are they at least going to give him something, assuming this is at least partially related to the bi-polar mania?

If there's anything I can do to help, let me know, okay?

[Luet]

We brought him to the ER but it was technically a voluntary admission. The only open bed was at a hospital far away. Yes, they are giving him lots of drugs but 3 days later and he is no better yet. He is less manic but now having delusions and auditory/visual hallucinations. I just spent 2 hours visiting alone with him in which he was (at times) convinced that I was a girl he had a crush on when he was 8. He has suddenly become obsessed with this girl and has even tried to call her.

[Young Val]

:::hugs Nomi:::

[Eaquae Legit]

*many hugs for Nomi*

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

My New Years Resolutions:

1. To STOP, cold turkey, playing stupid Zynga games on Facebook. I end up actually spending money on them, and I cannot afford that. Looking at the total I've spent in my bank account just now was a hard dose of reality.

2. To better use my time at work to finish reports, notes, and other such items of paperwork so that this does not stress me out in my free time.

3. To enthusiastically engage in my new hobby and other creative pursuits as a substitute for said stupid games.

4. To, once a month, splurge in the amount of about $50 on myself. Jewelry, nice materials for said hobby, massage, book, whatever. So that I don't deny, deny, deny myself everything I want for months and months and months and then suddenly feel like I deserve to spend madly.

[Petra456]

Bob,

I just got back from dropping Will off at the airport and now I have an entire week to myself...

I really have no clue what to do... I'm probably going to spend an entire day in bed watching tv and playing on the internet, because I can't remember the last time i've spent an entire doing doing that.

I literally just got home and i'm already bored. I hope this week goes by fast.

[Peterlover14]

Dear Bob,

Yes, it's complicated. But that is no reason to treat me like a child that means nothing to you. I hate people who take forever to respond to a message. If you aren't interested in holding a conversation, don't start one. You're a selfish, careless man who throws girls hearts around and then tries to make it better by keeping in touch. Do you even care as much as you say? We meet up some place in secret, make out, and then for a couple of weeks we talk all the time, wishing we could do it more. And then realizing the mistake, and cutting me off. If I could ignore you forever I would, but I can't. I still have feelings for you and I still wish we could work something out in the future. But I also still know what you are. A hypocrite, and a person who uses people to get what he needs, and then discards them like junk mail. Well I'm not that stupid. I'm gonna be better than you ever were. And I hope you're there when I surpass you.

Love (maybe),
Miranda

[buckshot]

Bob, I used to enjoy winter so much, the worse my back gets the more i think of wintering in a warmer climate . Guess i'm just tired over the holidays, I would miss my ever growing family too much. Thanks for being there Bob youre just what I need.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I can't sleep. You'd think being under the weather would make me more tired...but I guess the 18+ hours of sleep a day I was getting Monday and Tuesday during the worst of it is keeping me fueled.

It's review time at work, and I don't feel very good about it. Actually, that's a terrible way to word it. I'm not happy with my current position - both in responsibilities and renumeration - and being review time that's going to come out and that makes me incredibly nervous. This whole process illustrates to me the sheer idiocy that is the "big business" of human resource management. This review I'm about to have, after working for the company for nearly a year, is the first opportunity that has existed for me to receive any response on how my work is viewed, and is also the first opportunity allotted to have wage increases as a consideration. The company refuses to do either at any time other than these annual reviews. So far, I'm what I believe to be 1/3rd to 1/2 of the way through this process, with all direction so far being via generic e-mail blasts. I've asked my boss for help multiple times, but get blown off each time.

The first step to this process is to issue peer reviews. The employee asks two fellow employees to rate them and send the ratings to the boss. A little skewed and contrived, but I digress. The second step is the self evaluation. This is where I start to have trouble. You get walked through a rough outline going over your "career goals" and "objectives" for the previous year, rating how you did on them, setting new goals and objectives for the subsequent year. Not just goals and objectives, though, but also how to measure your success in achieving these goals - it's all very professional. Then, you complete this report, send it to your boss, who issues guidelines for correction and hands it back to you. This is where I have a problem.

I asked for help, as I mentioned, prior to diving in to this process. I knew that asking me to set my career goals and objectives without giving me the opportunity to receive critical feedback of how my work was viewed wouldn't lead me down the path they wanted me to take. I asked, the first day I had the opportunity (having just returned from vacation to urgent e-mails saying it had to be done by year end - within 2.5 business days), my boss to give me some direction on his expectations. His hurried response as I caught him as he was about to leave for the remainder of those available days [I'd e-mailed him earlier, he'd yet to respond] was to just put something down, and to talk to HR or get one of my coworkers to show me what they did for the previous year if I had trouble. Thanks, dude!

I figured that was an invitation to put down - in as agreeable of a fashion as possible - what I actually want rather than what the company is looking for. So I did. My career goal for the year? To finish my diploma, which I will do in 9 months. My objective for the year? To utilize my aforementioned diploma in a more proactive - rather than reactive - position. (Currently I work non-IT telephone tech support. All the stupid customers with none of the interesting gadgetry) Boss man didn't like that so much. I get a response notification a week later saying that my goals and objectives need to be specifically tuned to my current role, and that I can't have my objective be dependent upon my goal (I'm ambitious, what can I say?). He tells me I should put things like getting a certification that's completely useless to me outside of this specific industry, in which I have no particular interest outside of my current employment, and for which I will receive no additional compensation (though the materials and test itself - those are paid for); or visiting more customer sites, 'cause being on the road isn't what I was running away from in my previous job. If there's anything he knows about me (and I'm not saying there is, just that we've had this conversation in the past), it's that I've tired of being a road warrior and have no intention of returning to that gig.

I probably didn't respond the greatest in my offense to both of those suggestions based on what I had written as actually being important to me. That's probably where I lost myself some points in the review I haven't actually gotten yet. I responded, told him that it sounded like he was saying my (completely self-funded) education and my desire to move forward in the company with it was not relevant and that that was very disheartening. I continued by telling him that those were indeed my personal career goals for the year, and that I fail to understand how to measure completion on soft skill improvements (and other platitudes employers like to hear - oh I wish I actually said that part, hah!). As I'm about to leave (long after my shift actually, I was a little surprised both that he was still there and that he was not in the process of rushing himself out the door), he quickly steps in the office to say that we'll sit down tomorrow to talk about the difference between "personal career goals" and "what we have to do for the system."

And that right there folks is precisely it. Your beautifully designed personnel management software created by the world's leading employment psychologists has just lost all value. There's a reason these tools exist and a reason large companies buy expensive licenses to run their employee catalogue through, and that's because it's precisely what the psychologists themselves would do if they were conducting the performance appraisal. But it's better 'cause it's digital. It's destroyed because your management doesn't believe in it.

How could they? Personal interaction, as expensive as it is, gets removed almost entirely from the process. There's no rapport building, no probative interactions, just text on a screen. They have no opportunity to find out what they need, what they are looking for, 'cause the program already has "all the angles covered" for them. It's so all-encompassing that it's value is lost in the shuffle. You give a manager a tool, don't train him or give him an opportunity to find value in it, and force him to use it. He's not going to buy it. No manager will.

Of course, this could all just be my manager's self-admitted deficiency with communication being put on display. Yes, a customer service manager who admits his communication skills are poor, you read that right.

I just have a feeling this is going to turn out poorly. Expressing dissatisfaction with ones current job, I'm told, is always a bad thing to do professionally. As is threatening to leave, 'cause I can see myself mentioning the potential opportunity I've been back-burnering for a few weeks. I have a friend whose company needs good project managers - my desired title - and would be willing to bring someone fresh in who's willing to take the certification and training - my desired activity - as good pms are hard to find and keep as they generally make more money contracting. I've just been putting off handing my resume over until completing this process - I don't like to look gift horses in the mouth on the off chance things go better than expected. Regardless, my intention for a while yet has been to leave upon school completion, I just want to give them every opportunity to keep me around.

It's always easier to move up/around than it is to find a job from scratch. That's because it's always cheaper to hire from the inside than bring in someone new. If I can exploit that to get something equivalent or better than the dream job I mentioned before, that's great. I can see potential for me to like working for the company. Not much, but some. Being that it's easier to stay, I'll lean towards that if it's worth my while. I just want to figure out if it is or not so I can start planning my next move. I can't help but recognize the irony that is raising a stink just before review time, potentially costing me whatever raises I may have (had) coming. But hey, at least that's something I can use. I can accept that consequence, just like they can accept the consequence of my happiness in the job degrades and my resourceful self finds a new opportunity. Arrogant as I sound, I know at the very least that my team lead does not want to lose me, and I think my manager is at least aware of that.

I just want an answer, something so I can make my next move. It's just going to be continuously drawn out and it's driving me nuts. It's not so much about the unknown as it is how little I care for my current position. I want out, sooner rather than later, and I need to figure out if that's going to be within the company or elsewhere. I'm anxious to move on with my life. I lost roughly $10k/year between my last job and this one (I never realized how well I was doing before....I squandered it), and my living expenses have gone up significantly since starting work there (brother-fueled move). Money's already tight, I hate my job, I have no reason to continue there other than the potential for career advancement. Give me a reason.

--Cam

[Gravity Defier]

Hi, Bob. Let's you and I sit around and chat for a bit, shall we?

Here we are, 2011, and I find myself wanting to make a resolution for the first time in a long time. I'm sure there's some unspoken rule about needing to have it ready and waiting before the new year actually comes and I haven't decided to seriously try for it but floating around in the back of my head is this lovely idea of, for the first time in my life, learning to truly let things go instead of desperately clinging until the very bitter, drawn out end. As you can see, it's a rather lofty goal and I'm sure I'd fail at it if I tried, though that's no reason not to try anyhow.

Things are still hard and I'm still trying my best to keep it together, failing quite often despite that effort.

Things with Mom have been strained and when it's hard for me to hide it, when she notices enough to act on it, I feel awful. She'll go to give me a fist-bump or do some other little thing to show that she's still Mom, I'm still me, and we still have this connection that I'm, truth be told, just not feeling with her boyfriend around. But I respond in kind, try to offer a little half-hearted smile, and move away before she has time to try talking about it.

I'm afraid it will come to that. I was surprised to hear myself say, out loud, to my little brother that I felt abandoned by her, which is unfair to say the least. Yes, it's the case that she stopped walking with me or otherwise exercising with me, that we don't see movies with each other anymore, that we don't sit around and talk anymore because her boyfriend is around and I refuse to shout to be heard - pretty much literally; he watches the TV at high volumes and he himself speaks unimaginably loud for my taste. But, that's what I wanted, right? Don't depend on me for company, Mom, because I'm leaving eventually. I don't want to tell her any of that. I don't want to say that I hate how she leaves the room and whatever activity we're doing together if he calls from the road and the very sound of his ringtone makes me want to throw something against a wall. I don't want to tell her I get irrationally irritated when I hear his overly lazy and spoiled ass asking, "Babe, can you get me [food/drink]?" when this is supposed to be his house too. I would never dare ask her to bring me every meal and drink I ever consumed and while I'm in no position to dictate relationship norms and behaviors, this whole 50s housewife, wait on him hand and foot thing bothers me all the same. He's not a guest. Stop acting like one.

I don't want to tell her how I hate the few times I'm supposed to take rides from him because his cigarette smell clings to my hair and my clothes and even though he's never smoked with me in the vehicle, the lingering smell is strong enough to make me sick to my stomach. But hey, he's doing me a favor so shut the hell up, right?

I don't want to tell her how I hate the way he insists that something was funny and I should have laughed. If it were funny to me, I would have laughed, end of story.

I don't want to tell her how I think he's contributing to her deteriorating health, specifically her weight gain and increased diabetic medication. She's now taking shots; not insulin but it may as well be. They eat terribly and her decision to stop exercising with me compounded that issue.

Mostly, I don't want to tell her how he's a reasonably decent-seeming person but I loathe sharing my home with him.


She got upset with my brother, the second oldest, for going to my dad's regularly but acting as though we don't exist. Honestly, I gave up on them a long time ago, so it hurts me less, though it does still hurt. I guess that means I didn't really give up. She brought up the fact that I'm her beneficiary when she dies and to give money to all of us kids but not evenly, the two oldest getting smaller amounts than my little brother and I. She said it out of hurt and anger but she's said it multiple times over the course of the year, so I'll do as she asks when that time comes. God willing, a long, long time from now. I hate hearing that sort of thing, though.

Dad is still not talking to my oldest brother, after a year and...how many days has it been since Christmas? 12? A year and 12 days, then.

He, Dad, is also taking pleasure in noting my bank account balances and telling my little brother I'm so tight with my money, I squeak when I walk.

He's also keeping me in the dark about soccer, which means I'm screwed over for that. He knows, with my record, not to mention my work every Saturday schedule, there's no way I could carry a team on my own and that he is my only ticket to having a chance at participating for the time being. It's depressing, to say the least.


April is approaching, both quickly and not. I can't, or rather won't, be contacting the lawyer until February 21st but I'm dying of impatience here. I'm ready, so so ready, and have been and the closer we get, the more anxious and impatient and scared I get. What if the judge denies my request to clear my record? I don't know what I'll do if he does. The idea of going before him, and the prosecutor, makes me want to disappear.

And you know what has been on my mind, above almost all else? "Can I take my dogs with me to Chicago? Can I make that work and if I can, is that the fair/right thing to do?"

It helps me to focus on that -I really am torn on what to do- instead of focusing on people and circumstances.

I don't know what to do with most of them, is the thing, so it becomes easier to just avoid it all.


I see efforts being made to draw me out and I'm just so f****** scared to follow. Not angry. Just scared.

[Eaquae Legit]

Hey Bob,

I'm tired, and we move tomorrow, and nothing feels real at all. Except being tired, I guess. Stupid stupid sinus infection has meant a whole ton of fun this week, not to mention the downer that is my a****** of a lying little brother.

I guess I'm just ready to get on the move and have my life start up again.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I finally called about seeing someone. I almost started crying to this lovely woman on the phone with the Minnesotan accent. I'll get a call back sometime soon, I get to make a few decisions and confirm a few things, and then we're off. Hopefully this month but definitely by the end of February. I love how insurance and money rule the world.

[Luet]

I'm so proud of you. *hugs*

[Gravity Defier]

*hug* Thanks. For various reasons of various levels of importance, I couldn't put it off any longer.

[Eaquae Legit]

*hugs* Good for you.