Is this any good?

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luminousnerd
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Is this any good?

Postby luminousnerd » Sat Jun 09, 2007 12:26 am

Hello all,
Well, I'm no huge follower of poetry, I don't even know the rules of it really, but some people seem to think I'm decent at it. Pwebbers are known for being brutally honest, so I was hoping for an honest opinion from some of you.

Tell me if this is anything halfway decent:

Above him, there was no moon.
No stars. No light to speak of.
He saw what was himself:
A chasm of smog shrouding the beyond.
The beyond; his hope:
Obscured. Unreachable.
He closed his eyes and enshrined:
Millions of tiny fireflies lightyears away.
A mass of resplendent orbs,
Illuminating the galaxies.
As light he once had,
As light now withdrawn.

Breakable skin was thrashed by frigid wind.
His eyes eased open to reality,
And beheld a single point.
One particle of brilliance
Gave refulgence to the sombre abyss.
And the outlying horizon,
Previously Indistinguishable,
Was etched with ethereal violet,
Promising the coming aurora of sunrise.

Thanks
Knowledge is bliss. Ignorance just doesn't know what bliss means.

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Postby Luet » Sat Jun 09, 2007 8:20 am

Just so you know, there is a thread for this:

http://www.philoticweb.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=290
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby Young Val » Sat Jun 09, 2007 9:04 am

Nomi's correct; there is another thread for this sort of thing. but here's my question: what kind of feedback are you really looking for?

"is it good?"

that can mean a lot of different things. is it good enough to win awards? to be in the new yorker? to get an agent and put out a chapbook?

is it good enough for a college homework assignment? is it good enough for you to be proud of on its own?

a lot of times when people want others to critique their writing or art, they aren't specific about the type of critique that they want, and they usually wind up very very unhappy.

as is the rule of thumb with any type of writing, if you want to write you must read. read as much poetry by as many poets as you can, and then some.
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant

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Postby Dr. Mobius » Sat Jun 09, 2007 12:15 pm

I'm going to assume from the "brutally honest" line that he wants us to rip him to shreds.
The enemy's fly is down.
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Postby hive_king » Sat Jun 09, 2007 1:21 pm

Poetry has rules? Why does no one tell me these things?
The Makeout Hobo is real, and does indeed travel around the country in his van and make out with ladies... If you meet him, it is customary to greet him with a shot of whiskey and a high five (if you are a dude) or passionate makeouts (if you are a lady).

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Postby luminousnerd » Sat Jun 09, 2007 1:59 pm

Whoops, sorry about that, I should have remembered that other thread. I'll let this one die and say what I need to say there
Knowledge is bliss. Ignorance just doesn't know what bliss means.

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Postby Dr. Mobius » Sat Jun 09, 2007 2:08 pm

Everything has rules, man. And no one tells you because there's rules against it. Actually, I may already be in trouble just for telling you about the rules.
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Postby hive_king » Sat Jun 09, 2007 4:27 pm

poetry sin rules
is this really illegal?
why, just ask whitman
The Makeout Hobo is real, and does indeed travel around the country in his van and make out with ladies... If you meet him, it is customary to greet him with a shot of whiskey and a high five (if you are a dude) or passionate makeouts (if you are a lady).


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