I don't know what to do...

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I don't know what to do...

Postby Craig » Wed May 16, 2007 2:57 pm

So, I've been gone for a while. I try and check the boards every week, but I'm so out of touch with pretty much everything. I lurk, that's about the extent of it. I don't know if this will get any sort of response, but I have some things that I need to get off my chest, problems that I need people to hear about, and really I need some advice.

Basically, my three year girlfriend and I finally moved out together last month. Prior to this we had lived together at my parents house for about a year. She's a quiet girl, an only child who grew up in a family that didn't talk all too much. Me on the other hand, am the opposite. My family life is loud, I have a younger sister, and my house has always been the place where people show up for get togethers, holidays, etc. In many ways we helped her break out of her shell.

Now that we're living together in a place that is our own we have had problems adjusting. She is now my sole person to talk to, my life literally revolves around her. I expected that she would feel the same about me. I expected us to grow closer. The opposite has happened. I feel like we're drifting apart. It started first with text messages and phone calls, she answers and replies to all of them. Regardless of whether or not she is with me or what we are doing. This created some tension between us.

It got worse when I began to feel left out of certain things and I took it out on her. I told her that I felt left out and wanted to play a bigger role in her life. She got a little scared I think. Then as we continued to struggle through the days one night I brought up something from her past. She had got raped by an exboyfriend. I didn't bring it up in the best of ways, but I didn't attack her. But having brought it up she freaked out, not towards me, but in general. She started balling, she was hysterical. I tried to tell her I was sorry, I tried to console her, but she wouldn't have it. she would literally start shaking and have a sort of panic attack when I touched her.

For a few days it was like this, she didn't want me to hold her hand, rub her back, touch her face, hug her or kiss her. I was physically detached and what resulted was a sort of emotional detachment as well. i'm a touchy person. I like to hug and touch the people I care about, so they don't just have to hear it, they can feel it. I like to be touched as well. I want to snuggle, I want to be close. She kept telling me that she needed space, and in my panic I tried to hold her closer. Finally I said, "screw it", and I gave her what she wanted, space.

On mothers day we hung out with her parents, seen a movie, ate some lunch. All day I barely said anythign to her, telling her that if I started talking I'd eventually say something she didn't want to hear, or try and ask her all sorts of questions she didn't want to answer (whats wrong, what can I do, are we gonna make it, etc). After we left her parents, we went to mine. And at one point I sat down beside her and she said, "I think I'm beginning to see things your way". I asked her what she meant, but she told me she didn't want to talk about it for fear of crying in front of my family and extended family.

I took her into the bathroom where she promptly grabbed me and started hugging me. She started to cry. I cried. it was a great moment for me. I'd gone over a week without feeling close to her and then all of a sudden she's breaking down on me. I always wanted to help her, never hurt her, and I felt like I was being pushed aside for other people. Most of her friends are guys, and I got jealous when she'd confide in them and not me. I'm supposed to be a person she can go to, right?

But things are taking a turn for the worst again. I'm too touchy. I'm no more than I always have been, but in light of everything that happened it's too much too soon. I just want to be with her, she is the girl I want to marry. Period. I know she loves me, she tells me she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. But I feel like there is this disconnect. She doesn't send me messages saying things like, "I love you have a good day". She continues to hang out with people I don't like and don't trust, even though she knows how I feel. Again, I feel like I"m being pushed aside in my own relationship.

Am I being too needy?

She's going to get help to get over what happened to her. And I hope that in doing so things can and will get better between us.

She needs her space, but how much is too much?

We need to talk, but how much is too much?

I'm not good at these thigns, I've never experienced them before. I need help. I don't knwo what to do.

Salaam

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Postby Eaquae Legit » Wed May 16, 2007 3:33 pm

If she's going to get help, that's the first thing, and the best.

Have you ever heard of something called "love languages"? There's a book about it somewhere, but the basic premise is that people speak love in different ways. For some, like you, it's physical contact. For others, it's acts of service, or words of affirmation. Learning to speak and listen to languages other than your own is very important if your partner speaks something different. Can you think of ways she does show love? Or the ways she asks you to love her?

I'm not very good with this either, but I'd suggest checking wikipedia or google for information on the love languages.

The other thing you could do is couples counselling. Her issues stem largely from something pretty horrific, and it might be good for her to talk to you about them with a counsellor.

I hope things work out.
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Postby zeroguy » Wed May 16, 2007 11:10 pm

I really wish I had some good advice I could give you, but I can't really help with this at all. I just wanted to say it's good to see you again, and... I dunno, "there there", "yeah, that's a hard problem"? Wow, I am completely useless.

The idea of counselling did pop into my head pretty quickly when reading that, though. It sounds like she may have some serious unresolved issues from her past. But there are some here who are far better at talking about that than me, so take that how you will.

I also wish you the best in all this. You've always seemed to be a really good person for as long as I've known you (well... "known"), and your intentions seem in the right place. Sadly, that probably doesn't really help much.
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Postby daPyr0x » Thu May 17, 2007 2:43 am

I'd have to move towards counseling as well. I think she really needs to talk to a professional about what happened with her ex, about her family life, about her relationship with you and how she really feels about it....in ways that she can't say to you. She needs to talk to someone objective who can help her see what way to go.

Anything more relative that I have to say really....wouldn't be encouraging. It sounds all too familiar.
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Postby steph » Thu May 17, 2007 8:13 am

I don't have time right at this moment to think of some advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I've read you post, and I'm thinking about you, and I'm glad to see you here. :)
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Postby Jayelle » Thu May 17, 2007 9:05 am

I disagree with these guys saying SHE needs counseling. I think you both could use some together. It's clearly not just her problem... you need to learn to respond to how she wants to be loved and to learn how to exist in a family that isn't the family you grew up in.

Relationships are difficult and they take work, they take commitment and communication.
However, they should also have some sense of ease. I think there should be more good then bad when you look at your relationship as a whole.
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Postby Boothby » Thu May 17, 2007 10:48 am

Craig,

She seems to be afraid of the physical intimacy...the closeness. It seems to make sense in light of the rape she suffered. She most certainly needs therapy (that's not a bad thing! Certainly in light of what she went through!), and you could benefit from couple's therapy, as was recommended before.

Because she had been raped, these are not really "options"--these are things that MUST BE DONE. If she does not come to terms with the rape, it will explode in the coming years and destroy everything you two might have worked for. Again...not "might" destroy. WILL DESTROY. Period. End of statement.
Last edited by Boothby on Sun May 20, 2007 10:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby zeroguy » Thu May 17, 2007 8:47 pm

I disagree with these guys saying SHE needs counseling. I think you both could use some together. It's clearly not just her problem... you need to learn to respond to how she wants to be loved and to learn how to exist in a family that isn't the family you grew up in.
Assuming I'm one of "these guys" (since I am one of two guys who posted before you), I did mean for it to be with both of them, but I can understand how you interpreted it differently. I said just "counselling" without specifying who, but I did say that they were her issues that needed to be resolved right after... so I can see how you thought I said that.

But anyway, yes, I would agree that Craig should be a part of it, too (for exactly the reasons you said), and I didn't intend to say or imply anything different.
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Postby mr_thebrain » Thu May 17, 2007 8:54 pm

alright. yeah she needs counseling, that's true. perhaps it's also true that you could benefit from couples therapy as well (though not in exclusion to her own, separate therapy). but it sounds like you already kind of knew that.

not saying that any of this applies to your situation, but i've had a long history of dating "broken" women. kind of goes with the territory... there are very few people out there that don't have some kind of baggage hanging over their head. there are two very important things i've learned:

1) thinking of her as "broken" "problematic" "having issues" or even just as "someone that you want to help" even through love and whatnot can be trouble. you start thinking of them as a project, then sooner or later the love kind of takes a back seat to the project itself.

2) nobody is the same as another. sure, it's a duh. but what works for you won't work for someone else. so thinking that by pushing your way of life and love on another person, while it may seem to be the best way in your mind, could be the exact opposite of what will help the other person. your perceived normality could be so foreign to her that it's uncomfortable.

you want things to be a certain way. at some point you may have to be just happy enough with what you have. and leave the perfection to other people.

in the meantime, if the only way to connect with her is through things such as text messages... try sending her some. heck, if you feel distant from her even when you're sitting next to her. send her a text message that says something nonthreatening like "how was your day? :) ". i say nonthreatening because if she's not used to it, then she might think you're angry with her distance and trying to lash out at her in some way.

that's just an example though. notice the things that get the biggest reaction from her. things that kind of bring her closer. not just to you, but to others as well. they might not be the most romantic or touchy feely, but you have to start somewhere. slowly reintroduce the touchy feely stuff that you love so much and when she balks, hold back and be happy with what you have. of course every now and then push the envelope and see if she's ready for more.


that's enough from me. i'm probably way off base.
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Postby Craig » Sat May 19, 2007 10:54 pm

Thanks for the help and advice, I really appreciate it. Unfortunatly for me, things seem have taken a turn for the worst...

On wednesday I came home, she had the day off and a friend of hers was over. She told me that she didn't want to have him over, but she couldn't tell him no. After he left her and I went up to the store, bought groceries, etc. We were supposed to go running with a couple of her friends; one of which is a guy I really don't trust -- and is an ongoing fight between us as I tell her that he likes her. She says I'm being stupid and that not all guys want her. Of course, this guy takes her to lunch everyday (they work together), buys her food, and she's hung out with him several times. I know she's not cheating on me, I can't really explain it, but I KNOW she's not.

So we were supposed to go running but that didn't happen. She told him no, that the night wasn't a good night. She told me she wanted to be alone with me. So we could have time for each other. We went back home and took a bath. Things were different, I could be open with her. I gave her a back massage, we kissed, etc. We ended up having sex, which was the first time in like three weeks. It wasn't angry, if anything it was even more passionate or emotional than normal. It wasn't something that just happened either, we talked, kissed, talked, kissed, and it was something that we both kind of wanted. It's hard to explain.

But things were great between us that night, we held each other all night. For the first time in a long time we were CLOSE. Not just physically but emotionally. And it lasted for a couple days. But then things started to get worse again.

She leaves for her job on monday and I won't see her again until friday, so I've really wanted to spend this time with her while things were good. I wanted to end on a good note. But we got in a huge fight tonight. So bad in fact that I'm at my parents house, she ran off to her moms (I hope, that's where she told me she was going). I'm so scared, I don't want to lose her.

We've each said some things we regret. We're both in the wrong. But I feel like I'm the only one trying to make things better. I'm trying to meet her in the middle, but I don't see her doing the same. I'm hurt. I'm scared.

Salaam

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Postby Craig » Sun May 20, 2007 1:27 pm

We're sitting down with both of our parents today. I believe we both want to work things out. We each have problems. As long as we address them and work towards a solution I think we'll be fine. I hope so.

Salaam

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Postby Luet » Sun May 20, 2007 7:45 pm

Please let us know how it goes. You're in my thoughts.
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Postby Craig » Mon May 21, 2007 12:20 pm

She leaves for a week for her work, but I'll get to see her tonight. She has a tendency to close up when things are wrong, whereas I'm the opposite. I think that just adds to the issue. I need to give her some space, I smother her without meaning too. The time apart will be good.

Thank you guys, for all of the support. :)

Salaam

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Postby Mich » Mon May 21, 2007 6:44 pm

Hey, man, I haven't said anything up until now, 'cause of lack of advice to contribute, but I'm glad to see that things seem to be moving in the right direction, and hope that they do, indeed. Good luck. We're pullin' for you and whatnot.
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Postby Craig » Wed May 30, 2007 3:02 pm

The quick rundown as I have to be in class in 10 minutes... She came back friday after a business week of being away. She was distant and immedietly wanted to leave, didn't want to be around me. I tried to talk to her, she said she didn't want to talk. I asked if she wanted to be with me. She hesitated before saying, "I know I want to end up with you." The gist of it was that I said I wouldn't break up and plan on getting back together. I wouldn't rule it out, but I wouldn't expect it. If your going to be with me, then your going to be with me. Period. Let me help you through this difficult time, don't push me away. If you don't want my help, at least let me fill some role. She left that night, saying she was going out with one of her girlfriends. She didn't. Instead she went driving and ended up meeting up with one of her guy friends. Whatever. Its cool. She told me. Thats fine.

Then saturday, I had to work, she had the day off. Again, I came home, she was really distant. She tried to break up with me. I told her no. lol, I know it sounds funny, but I let her know that I was here for her, we've been through a lot, I know how she feels about me, and I know how I feel about her. I'm not giving up. She shouldn't give up either. After several hours of just talking she told me she couldn't leave, but she might move into our spare room. That's fine. Whatever it takes. She left that night too to go over to a friends house (another dude). I took a sleeping pill. She came into the room about 3 in the morning and tried to wake me up. She didn't really succeed, I was incredibly tired and drowsy. But the following morning she was a different person. She was really close. We went on a hike on sunday and thigns just kept improving between us. We became close again. It continued monday, yesterday, and today. We're getting better everyday. It's crazy. I think she might have realized that I'm goign to be there for her no matter what, regardless of how difficult it may be. i'm committed.

Anyway, things are good. i can't remember the last time I had 4 good days in a row.

Salaam

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Postby zeroguy » Wed May 30, 2007 8:51 pm

She tried to break up with me. I told her no.
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Postby anonshadow » Wed May 30, 2007 9:32 pm

Craig, from my own torrid experience, I can tell you this: four good days means nothing. It's nice while it lasts, but long term, a couple days where all goes well doesn't mean "cured" in any sense of the word. It means that the problems will just pop back up soon, and you're lulled into a sense of complacency. People don't just change overnight, especially not people who have serious problems. Things are not good just because the two of you have had a couple good days.



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Postby Mich » Thu May 31, 2007 1:03 am

However, that doesn't mean give up all hope, old chum. Well, maybe it does for anon, but not for me! I say that it's good things are looking up, you just need to stay weary, and not let your own guard all the way down. And maybe try to figure out (through her) why the past few days have gone better, instead of just guessing at the reasons.

Of course, this is the blind leading the one-eyed, here.
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Postby anonshadow » Thu May 31, 2007 1:31 am

No, I'm not saying to give up. I'm just saying that he needs to not look at this as showing a solution to the problem in any way, and that instead he needs to take advantage of this upswing to broach topics like therapy and start doing research.




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