My Life in a Literary Agency

[Young Val]

yay!

i dearly love making people laugh. it is the secret wish of my heart to be funny. i'm not. not remotely. i mean, people laugh AT me a lot, but i'm not funny.

somehow, though, i can somehow coax a giggle or two from someone through written words. i can never SAY anything funny, but sometimes i write something funny.

so that was a fantastic little boost to my day, merci.



in work-related thoughts:


i am just now beginning to realize that i work for--above all--a corporation. beneath the gorgeous, luxurious, insanely drafty offices, and the towering stacks of books, and the musty, dusty smell of paper is actually a corporation. a big one. that really, really wants to make a lot of money.


i've been ignoring this for a long time. for one thing: i've never had any money. i mean, like, ever. as in my father collected unemployment for a while and we had our cars repossessed and i started working at 14 so i could help buy groceries. so, yeah, my salary is pretty despicable for an educated 25 year old living in New York and supporting herself. but hey, i've done a lot worse.

i mean, i like money. who doesn't? but when you don't have it, you don't so much need it. or need as much as other people think you might. you learn to go without things. you pay your rent and your bills and you buy food and you save what little you can and sometimes you do something really stupid like buy all seven seasons of Buffy on payday, but for the most part, your life is stuff-free. and that's ok with me.

but my company is a business. and it's a BIG business. and it's a GOOD business.

and their prerogative is making money. which is something that i need to tap into pretty much months ago if i want to hack it here. i spend a lot of my time cultivating projects that are mind-blowingly fantastic. and completely unmarketable.

it's unfortunate, but it's a reality. god help me, i've got to discover the next chick lit sensation/diet book wonder/gory thriller/vampire romance. and i've got to do it soon.

[starlooker]

Do you see much of that? I mean, chicklit/vampire/diet book wonders?

I would assume so. Hell, me and my best friend once decided we were going to write the next chick lit sensation. We got through some plot and character development before we got bored. But, the point is, seems like those would be pouring in?

[Young Val]

oh yes. we represent Nora Roberts and Stephenie Meyers. i dunno about any diet book authors, though.

what i should REALLY do is find some chicklit-vampire-diet-romance books! just get 'em all in there at the same time. we're make a killing.

[starlooker]

Yeah, hehehe. And it's perfectly plausible. You make the Evil Pretty Bitch a vampire instead of just an Evil Pretty Bitch. Every few pages, you have the protagonist make a recipe for a meal composed of air and protein and less than 200 calories.

Or, better yet, you could have a diet book FOR vampires. For chick vampires.

Actually, that could be pretty funny in a twisted sort of way.

[Oliver Dale]

Exactly. The evil pretty, vampiric bitch realizes that blood has lots of calories and sugar, so she goes on a diet.

You laugh, but I once (very, VERY tongue in cheek) proposed a vampire, rehab, teen novel to an agent at lunch. It was a small group of people and we were all making fun of marketing trends, but she dropped her fork, looked up in all seriousness and said, "If you ever write it, you send it to me first. Promise."

Since then I realized that originality is pretty much overrated. If you want to sell a book and make some money, don't write something completely unique. Write something almost exactly like the stuff you can read anywhere, but just tweak a small detail here or there.

[VelvetElvis]

i think they're kinda unattractive as well, but i just don't like silver and gold together.

i'm willing to bet they're the sort of thing that looks amazing once you get it on an actually foot, though.

I was picturing them worn with a wedding dress. Perhaps that made the difference for me.

[Oliver Dale]

i think they're kinda unattractive as well, but i just don't like silver and gold together.

i'm willing to bet they're the sort of thing that looks amazing once you get it on an actually foot, though.

I was picturing them worn with a wedding dress. Perhaps that made the difference for me.

Actually, they're pretty hot. They'd go with a pair of jeans.

[VelvetElvis]

Harboring fashionista tendencies?

[Young Val]

i think they're kinda unattractive as well, but i just don't like silver and gold together.

i'm willing to bet they're the sort of thing that looks amazing once you get it on an actually foot, though.

I was picturing them worn with a wedding dress. Perhaps that made the difference for me.

Actually, they're pretty hot. They'd go with a pair of jeans.

i just wish the chain wasn't gold. but i agree--definitely with jeans.

[powerfulcheese04]

i think they're kinda unattractive as well, but i just don't like silver and gold together.

i'm willing to bet they're the sort of thing that looks amazing once you get it on an actually foot, though.

I was picturing them worn with a wedding dress. Perhaps that made the difference for me.

Actually, they're pretty hot. They'd go with a pair of jeans.

Haha... <3

[Luet]

Actually, they're pretty hot. They'd go with a pair of jeans.

Awww, that made me really miss hanging with you...for some reason.

[NWS]

what i should REALLY do is find some chicklit-vampire-diet-romance books! just get 'em all in there at the same time. we're make a killing.

I think Amy Sedaris could totally do that. If she did, it would be the gift we gave everyone for Christmas that year.

[Young Val]

So, I'm pretty sure all of you know that I'm a Salinger junkie, hardcore. And I'm not talking just CATCHER, I'm talking the whole Glass Family saga, and then some, I'm talking freaking HAPWORTH 16, 1924, ok? I wrote my senior thesis on the man (bastard) and his work (brilliant), so please back up and show some respect.

I swear I love my friend Bex for much, MUCH more than her connections, but you have no idea how much it delights me that I have a pal who works at Harold Ober Associates (aka the agency that reps Salinger).

Without further ado, a direct quote from the lovely Ms. Rebecca herself:

"And speaking of Salinger agency anecdotes, I just got the craziest batch of fan mail from a high school English class in CA. One kid offered him a box of donut holes if he wrote a sequel to CATCHER and another drew a series of (for lack of a better phrase) distorted monster porn drawings that he wanted to sell to Nick Junior ('I'm an artist, too,' the kid wrote to Salinger. 'Though nowhere near your impressive caliber. Lend me some of your power.'). The drawings reminded me of that scene in Superbad where the fat kid 'couldn't stop drawing dicks.' My goodness. We never send these things on to him, but at least it entertains us here at Ober. This is honestly the stuff that keeps me from quitting."



distorted monster porn


For lack of a better phrase!


I LOVE IT.

[Oliver Dale]

You will never understand what you've just done to me.

Okay, so I've been on a bit of a frenzy recently. I've got five Amazon orders within the past month. This was the last straw. I finally signed up for that Prime Shipping (or whatever it's actual name is) where, for a nominal fee, you get a year's worth of two-day shipping, regardless of your order size. This, combined with my already established one-click shopping, will prove, no doubt, to be lethal.

I click once and the book arrives in the mail in two days. I'm going to need a tourniquet for my checkbook.

This is all to say: I've ordered it. My book report will follow.

So how's your day going??

[starlooker]

Even though I've quit trying to be a writer, can I get points in your heart for having read Nine Stories, Catcher, and Franny & Zooey?

[Luet]

I haven't read Nine Stories...will have to get it from the library.

Ollie, how did you get through high school without having to read Catcher??

[Rei]

My high school didn't do Catcher. Or at any rate, my class didn't. It's been on my list of books I am obligated to read because certain books just seem to be required by society.

[zeroguy]

My high school apparently didn't even do anything with whomever this is. I didn't really understand any of Kelly's first paragraph in that post.

[Dr. Mobius]

My high school apparently didn't even do anything with whomever this is. I didn't really understand any of Kelly's first paragraph in that post.

Ditto.

[Jebus]

My high school apparently didn't even do anything with whomever this is. I didn't really understand any of Kelly's first paragraph in that post.

Em, you guys have never heard of Catcher in the Rye?

[Oliver Dale]

The year we were supposed to read it is the year I went to the "Challenge" reading group (which is not a group for challenged students, jerks) and we read something else. Then after that everyone just assumed that I had already read it.

I don't know. But I added it to the order, also. So I'll fix these embarrassing gaps.

[NWS]

Only 12 grade honors/AP English students in my high school read it. That would be about 20 people in my class. Of course, being that that was during the last year of high school and for the most advanced readers, almost all of us had already read it long before taking the class.

It was never in the curriculum at my darling spouse's school.

[Luet]

We read it in 9th grade regents (NYS version of honors) english and I remember being fairly horrified at the amount of swearing in it...I led/lead a sheltered life.

[starlooker]

The year we were supposed to read it is the year I went to the "Challenge" reading group (which is not a group for challenged students, jerks) and we read something else. Then after that everyone just assumed that I had already read it.

That's like me and Lord of the Flies. The "Gifted" class read Brave New World instead. So everyone figures I've read it, because everyone has to read it, and I keep meaning to get around to it someday.

[Oliver Dale]

The year we were supposed to read it is the year I went to the "Challenge" reading group (which is not a group for challenged students, jerks) and we read something else. Then after that everyone just assumed that I had already read it.

That's like me and Lord of the Flies. The "Gifted" class read Brave New World instead. So everyone figures I've read it, because everyone has to read it, and I keep meaning to get around to it someday.

This is probably better suited to the "confessions" thread, but I haven't read LotF either. I also added that to the order.

[VelvetElvis]

Catcher was banned from being taught in class because of the language, but was available in our school's library. I didn't read it. Nor have I read any of his books.

[Young Val]

CATCHER is a frequently banned book (it's also--in my opinion--a book with a deadline) and it's certainly one of the most misunderstood/misinterpreted books of the century. Holden is an UNRELIABLE NARRATOR, people. God. Still, I am surprised that there are folks who haven't even heard of it. What with its crazy reclusive author, and all its infamy and its controversy and stunning sales figures over the last 56 years I had assumed it was a supremely recognizable title regardless of whether or not a person had read it.

It's not his best work (in my opinion), but it is still a Great Work. And certainly it's a uniquely "American" work.





Love of Salinger aside, today I misplaced a contract. Actually, I don't really believe that's what happened. I honestly think it either disintegrated or was taken. Because it was on my desk ALL DAY LONG in PLAIN SIGHT and now it is gone.

Ugh.

[starlooker]

I knew the part in white without having to be told! That is, I already intrinsically understood it from that point of view! I feel so proud.

I really should've been an English major. The closer I get to internship applications, the more I believe that.

[Young Val]

I knew the part in white without having to be told! That is, I already intrinsically understood it from that point of view! I feel so proud.

I really should've been an English major. The closer I get to internship applications, the more I believe that.

Yay!


[er...CATCHER IN THE RYE spoilers?]


I know that a lot of times at 16 it's hard to get that (not that you're 16--but that's the age at which most people read this book for the first time); most kids that love the book are all OmigodIamEZACTLYlikeHoldennooneunderstandsme! But then you get the group of people who missed the deadline (after all, the book is part satire part coming-of-age story. If you read it on a surface level when you're already "of age" you most likely will not like it. That's when I have to clobber people over the head to remind them of the satire part) who are all "God I hate that whiny punk," and then we have a conversation that goes like this:


Dissatisfied Reader: I hate Holden.
Kelly: Why?
DR: He bitches and moans about 'goddamn phonies' all the time--and he is one!
K: I know, right?! Isn't it brilliant?!
DR: No. It's obnoxious.
K: I know! Salinger is a genius!
DR: A genius? Nothing happens in the entire book!
K: That, my friend, is the entire point.
DR: ...what?

[starlooker]

Please tell me your thoughts on Bananafish! Please! (That's the story I remember best.)

[Rei]

Yes, you two should read Lord of the Flies. That was one of the books I read in high school that I can say I really enjoyed.

[zeroguy]

My high school apparently didn't even do anything with whomever this is. I didn't really understand any of Kelly's first paragraph in that post.

Em, you guys have never heard of Catcher in the Rye?

I've heard of Catcher in the Rye. I'm not used to seeing it referred to as Catcher. Especially when it was in all caps; I know that's just Kelly now, but at the time I thought it was specifically written that way as the title (as an acronym or something? I dunno).

[ratesjul]

I did not have to read Catcher in the Rye at high school. I have, however, read it. Possibly twice.

Every now and then I go through this phase of reading the books that people bitch about having to read in high school.

Maybe I'll get to Lord of the Flies at some point. Maybe not - I seem to recall clips of part of a movie about it.

[Young Val]

My high school apparently didn't even do anything with whomever this is. I didn't really understand any of Kelly's first paragraph in that post.

Em, you guys have never heard of Catcher in the Rye?

I've heard of Catcher in the Rye. I'm not used to seeing it referred to as Catcher. Especially when it was in all caps; I know that's just Kelly now, but at the time I thought it was specifically written that way as the title (as an acronym or something? I dunno).

hahaha. It's "the industry way."


Titles are always in all caps--in contracts, emails, amendments, everything. The habit stuck.

[NWS]

The year we were supposed to read it is the year I went to the "Challenge" reading group (which is not a group for challenged students, jerks) and we read something else. Then after that everyone just assumed that I had already read it.

That's like me and Lord of the Flies. The "Gifted" class read Brave New World instead. So everyone figures I've read it, because everyone has to read it, and I keep meaning to get around to it someday.

YES! Though for us it "honors." We read BNW and envied the fun they were having with class discussions of LOTF. We read 1984 and they read Animal Farm. I wonder if subconsciously that didn't contribute to my interests migrating from English to math. I mean, if you were good at math, you got more interesting stuff to work on, but if you were good at English it suddenly got less fun.