Philotic Web

Of course, perhaps if I weren't such a ditz in the first place, I wouldn't be need the creativity and resourcefulness.

Everything balances out in the end.

It's one o'clock A.M. I have two AAPIs signed, sealed, and ready to be delivered.

Everyone, please take a deep breath and cross your fingers for me.

This is so frightening.

If I were to take a deep breath, it would only be in preparation to sing.

~~~

I realized a few weeks ago that I am in the 21st grade.

Not counting kindergarten or preschool.

I find this incredibly sad, somehow. Especially since I'm 27.

29. This is going to be an emotional year. Invest in waterproof mascara.

I should have listened to my own advice.

An hour ago, I told a faculty member that, basically, this last year has pretty well killed my previous ambition to go into academia. Since then, I have been crying. I didn't realize how hurt and sad I've been feeling about that, and about a lot of stuff in my department and various interactions with professors until just now.

However, I have work to do. And I can't afford to be sad right now. So I need to get over it.

Still, though.

~~~

I realized a few weeks ago that I am in the 21st grade.

Not counting kindergarten or preschool.

I find this incredibly sad, somehow. Especially since I'm 27.

Look at it like this. You're Epic Level now!

...Yeah, okay... I'll shut up now.

Did you know that singing "and another one gone, and another one gone. Another one bites the dust!" after finishing each cover letter/site-specific essay is actually REALLY motivational? I don't know why I didn't think of it before. I used to do it whenever I finished a Financial Aid file.

Two more to finish up today, and I think that I actually have enough time to get it done! Woohoo! Everything will be delivered via fedex at LEAST one day before deadline! Woohoo!

I told a supervisee today that painting the green and purple "Internship Prep" file card that labels my Internship Prep file box was the best part of this process and it all went downhill from there. However, for some reason, that isn't quite true today.

I know it was in a different thread that you posted about it but I don't feel like finding it, so...how's the strattera going?

No miracles thus far. Now and then I think I can see little effects, but nothing like the "lightbulb" some folks experience. It's been a bit over two weeks. I'm giving it another week, and then asking the doc to up the dose.

Thankfully, the side effects have settled down. Nausea during the time of day that's normally most productive for me was rather counterproductive. And I'm getting my appetite back -- somewhat. I've lost four pounds over the past two weeks.

DRAT! DRAT AND DARN!

ACK!

I accidentally sent out a "personalized" essay (how do you envision our internship site meeting your training goals and interests?) with the name of a different site in it! DAMN! OOPS! God, I hope that's the only one. I think it is. The thing is, I use variations of the same essay for every site. So, at the beginning of writing, I copy/paste the "template" from the previous essay into the new one. I then go through and turn the text I need to change magenta, and "customize" the essay. One of the first sentences is: "The clinical and training opportunities that [Training Site] provides are particularly congruent with my goals, current skills, and desires for continued growth." I tend to not change that sentence. So, oops, I left the name of the wrong site in. The rest of the essay has it right, and it is customized to the correct site -- but that is NOT going to be a great first impression. Oh, dear.

Do I email them? With a different essay 5 attached? Ignore it and hope they grant some leeway? ACK!

Oh my god.

Panic panic panic.

Okay, I tried to be cute and it backfired (as I should have known it would). Early on in coming up with sample reports, I used a fake name for one of my people. I used Sue Donim (phonetically meant to be psuedonym) and never bothered to change it to initials.

I got a call from a site today wanting to know if I was aware I'd sent out an MMPI-2 report with a name on it. They didn't get the pun, apparently.

OOOOOOPS.

s***.

So, now I'm busily emailing all the sites I sent the report to with an explanation.

OOOOOOOOPS.

s***.

*beats head against the wall*

I am going crazy. 13 of 16 applications sent out and haven't heard back from a-one of 'em. Every five minutes, checking my email. "Someone? Anyone? Please? Yes, no, whatever?"

It is frustrating as hell. Please. Please. Someone. Tell me. Tell me.

Nah, you're not going crazy.

You arrived a long time ago.

Well, yes, that's true.

But even though I have long ago arrived in the outskirsts of Crazyland, I feel as though I'm taking a slow, torturous truck ride to the town square of Crazyapolis, deep in the heart of the state of New Crazyshire.

Still waiting.

You know, as long as this is taking, the fact of the matter is that one way or another, my life will significantly change in less than two weeks.

That's scary.

try not to worry too much if you do and you have to wait that long that
you cant take it any more you might just loose you sanity...

1/17th of the waiting is over. Got my first rejection.

I prefer being rejected to waiting. Even though it feels like s***. I've felt like s*** all week, but now at least there's no ambiguity about it.

It wasn't a site I really wanted or anything, so that's good. And it was polite. So this is a good first rejection to cut my teeth on, I suppose.

Actually, I got two rejections yesterday. So, 2/17ths is over. Both from the same state.

Bah. I didn't want them, anyways.

Right.

Yeah.

No, really, they weren't THAT high on the list. Still, though.

Arg.

So, my senior thesis was due in my advisor's hands by 11:59 PM on Thursday. Which was fine. I had a few things that needed to be fixed -- mostly transitional stuff -- but overall, I was satisfied.

So, I wake up and start my computer at 8 AM, ready to fix it and walk to over to her office. But, wait. Where's the file? I can't find it anywhere. I spend a good twenty minutes trying to find it, but to no avail. But, have no fear, I have a copy on my flash drive and my advisor has a draft from a few weeks ago. But wait, my flash drive was destroyed in the ice storm. What? And my advisor deleted her copy?

So, yeah. I ended up finding an early draft, but everything I'd researched since September was lost forever. So, I ditched everything else and rewrote it as quickly as I could. Thursday was not a good day for me.

!!!!!!YES!!!!!

!!!!!WOOOHOOOOO!!!!!

It's not one of my top choices. And they are the only site I've found who literally interviews everyone who applies.

I DO NOT CARE.

!!!!!I HAVE AN INTERVIEW!!!!!

WOOHOO!

Yay!!!

I am having a meltdown.

Yes, I know I've been saying that for weeks now. But no. REALLY. I've spent more time today crying than not. My eyes literally hurt. I was up bawling my head off at 3:00 AM this morning.

Out of the blue I got an email from a friend informing me that for some reason that she couldn't explain, she'd begun obsessively worrying about me and needed to know I was okay. She is the only person right now who's really aware of the depth of my not-okayness. She emailed me back, which I read when I woke up. That made me cry more. Thought about telling my therapist today about exactly how not-okay I am, but couldn't. Couldn't string two sentences together. Cried, mainly.

8 of 17 have contacted me back. 6 of them said "no." The two that said yes are NOT high on my list.

Tomorrow and Friday I should hear from most of the rest of them.

I went to Fargo today and spent $76 I don't have (plus gas money) buying 11 children's books with which to dull the pain, some of which I've already read a hundred times and some of which I've never read. Started rereading Mary Poppins upon being rejected by Missouri today. Intellectualization and humor may fail me, but regression and P.L. Travers never will.

I think the hard times are over. I'm almost expecting not to match, which is not as pessimistic as it sounds. I think the more peace I can make with the worst case scenario, the better off I will be.

I leave tomorrow for Cleveland. I am nearly packed already. I feel very grown up, actually packing the evening before instead of the hour before I leave. I have a new purse and new watch and Shout wipes and a teensy sewing kit.

Everything except the answers to the standard interview questions. I am planning to work those out on the plane

The good thing is that over the past two years, my social skills and comfort just being around people has improved dramatically. This should hold me in good stead. If nothing else, I will be able to have fun, I think.

And if that isn't true, someday, it will still be a good story.

I hope it works out with one of them. I really, truly, truly hope it does.

If it doesn't -- I won't be the first person not to match first try, and I certainly won't be the last.

After all, when they have five million applications, they are looking for reasons to get rid of people. These three sites, try as hard as they might, could not find a good reason to get rid of me. Foot is in the door. Now I just have to show them I'm a good person to work with.

Which is TRUE. I am, in fact, qualified for these positions. I would be a good fit for any of them.

I'm going to be okay, I think.

Don't forget a toothpick!

And if you get intimidated, imagine running them over with a monster truck. VVVVVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRROOOMCRUNCHSCREEEEE!

Remember, dress to kill. That way, if they don't accept you, you're set.

Small near heart attack.

A few months ago, I threw away a pile of papers that my cats had peed on. I went through it to make sure there was nothing critical.

Unfortunately, and I blame my ADHD for this, I apparently threw away the paper with my Pin number and applicant code on it for the Match.

You cannot submit your list of rankings without the PIN.

The deadline is in two days.

So, I called the services, and (after talking with an idiot for awhile) I got the website where you can have pins emailed to you.

Went to the site. Put in my code to get the matching pin.

Was informed they'd never heard of me.

Put the code in again.

Same result.

Oh s*** oh s*** oh s***.

Look up the code in my email.

Oh. Hehe. Silly me. My handwritten code looks like it has a 1 on the end of it since I'd put it in a box and then put a weird curvy line outside the box. My code does not, in fact, have a 1 at the end.

And I just got my email from them. All is well

Still. I didn't really need another small heart attack.

Small near heart attack.

A few months ago, I threw away a pile of papers that my cats had peed on. I went through it to make sure there was nothing critical.

Unfortunately, and I blame my ADHD for this, I apparently threw away the paper with my Pin number and applicant code on it for the Match.

You cannot submit your list of rankings without the PIN.

The deadline is in two days.

So, I called the services, and (after talking with an idiot for awhile) I got the website where you can have pins emailed to you.

Went to the site. Put in my code to get the matching pin.

Was informed they'd never heard of me.

Put the code in again.

Same result.

Oh s*** oh s*** oh s***.

Look up the code in my email.

Oh. Hehe. Silly me. My handwritten code looks like it has a 1 on the end of it since I'd put it in a box and then put a weird curvy line outside the box. My code does not, in fact, have a 1 at the end.

And I just got my email from them. All is well

Still. I didn't really need another small heart attack.

I swear... you will be the death of me soon.

It's not just myself I'm giving near heart attacks, then?

I certified my list. I can change it through tomorrow. All the same, it's certified. I'm IN. This is all officially out of my hands as of tomorrow.

I went back to class after certifying my rankings and my hands were, quite literally, shaking.

*bump*

Well, I've almost got my IRB app done. I have GOT to spend this weekend sitting down and going hard-core crazy over the stupid dissertation. This is a MUST.

I'm looking forward to moving, sort of. Other than the whole lack-of-money, lack-of-support-in-a-new-city, cats-meowing-like-mad-as-I-drive thing. It's nice to be taking a step up in my education. It will also be nice to get paid, even if it's below the poverty line. C'est la vie. Supply and demand. I wish graduate psychology students were a little less desperate and a little more unionized.

I'm looking ahead. Looking up information on how much post-docs and entry level positions pay. It will be a MAJOR step up from what I'm used to. Granted, the majority of it will go to paying back my student loans. And, granted, I have to FIND a job first. I have visions of getting the Ph.D. and ending up back at 7-11. Still and all, though, that likely won't happen, and I'll likely actually be a professional, somewhere, doing what professionals do. There will probably be a whole new set of worries, but I'm okay with that. It's actually concerning me a little how I'm salivating over the idea of making money. I didn't realize how crazy my current system of living is making me until I started to think about getting out of it. Being able to SAVE money. For retirement, for that piano, for a better car, whatever. Not having to worry about eventually paying back the money I'm receiving. Wow. Seriously. Salivating. I cannot wait. I'm ready to be done with school. Very, very, very ready.

Not much to tell you other than, I can completely sympathize. I've been there sister, I have so been there.

Oh, and I know people tell you that you'll inherit a whole new set of problems. That's true, but at least in my personal experience, those problems are a lot better. I mean, nothing quite compares to being in grad school and worried about paying for groceries. I don't care what the problem is.

Well, after weeks of procrastination, it's back to the original reason for this thread. The dissertation.

I'm expecting problems with IRB which is probably why I'm having such a terrible time motivating myself to get my IRB forms filled out. However, I am bound and determined that I will be finished with them by tomorrow no later than 4:30 PM. I've made a good start on that today (after hours of procrastinating). I will be collecting data long before I leave for internship, by gosh.

I WON THE FELLOWSHIP!!! I WON ONE!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!

I feel slightly bad about this as if I won, that means other people lost, and I wasn't actually qualified due to not having in my IRB approval. However, apparently they overlooked that for me? I don't know? I'm not complaining?

This means that I won a tuition waiver and $5000 to work on the dissertation this summer. Provided that I don't take any more classes and don't work on anything but the dissertation. No more classes, no more books, no more teaching!

Oh, wow. This might be the inspiration I need.

Also, I no longer have to worry about moving expenses. I honestly didn't think there was any way I could get this -- I'm still holding my breath a little. It's like a finanacial bolt out of nowhere. I don't know quite what to make of it.

AIEEE!! Congrats!!!!

huzzah!! congratulations! You deserve it.

Wow. That's stunning. Good for you!