Dear You 2.0

[starlooker]

Dear You,

I told you something unfortunately true about yourself that applies to me also. However, I'm thinking it might be irritating that I told it to you, seeing as I'm me and you're you. I don't know how you do it, because I've recently been told it's what I do as well. Maybe if I figure it out in you, I'll figure it out in me.

No immersion, only humor.

Nah.

I immerse now and then. But it hurts like hell. So I quit immersing, because I'm better at humor. As are you.

Your daughter

Dear You Again,

You're trying, I know you're trying, and I'm not trying. And that makes me sad and annoyed. Because when you talk about "your experience" you talk about the kids you work with now and what you've seen in your teaching and you never, ever, ever talk about being a parent of the person who was going through it. And you blame the kids lousy family backgrounds like it never happened to us. And so when you talk I am on edge, so to speak, because I'm wondering why we can't talk honestly. But I don't think I really want to talk honestly. I don't want to negotiate it into our lives. Or, rather, re-negotiate it. Sending you my 121 page letter -- I mean, thesis -- was as far as I think I can go in renegotiation. So when you talk I get nervous, in part, because I think that you're going to try to move it. Or scared I might say something to move it. And maybe I'm annoyed with you because I'm scared of changing things. And maybe I'm annoyed because you reach too obviously. And maybe I'm still not over the initial thing.

I love you much and I am proud of you for trying but I am also angry and sad and feel like I'm walking on a landmine. And I'm not sure if I'm trying to keep from blowing up myself or blowing up you anymore, or for whose protection the mines got put there in the first place.

Your daughter as well

Dear You Again,

I am okay with being mad at her but I hate hearing you pull out the, "i'm not impressed because my life sucked too" card. Because then I'm scared to tell you how I experienced my life, because you've made your life into the opinion column it is and if I do something different with mine, you're not going to see it as good or beautiful or different, but as, "Well, look at me, you don't hear me whining/crying about it."

Yes, Mom, I do hear you and I do hear your hurt. I'm learning to hear it, very very very slowly. You're good at fooling the world and yourself and your family and children into thinking that you cannot be touched, not really.

You know the double suicide? That the newspapers called a murder suicide? You nearly fooled me into thinking you were more irritated that the newspapers falsey accused him of being Baptist then of committing murder. But you're not. But with that one you can go for the indignation AND the funny, and so that's where you go.

We can't go to the funny if we discuss my life, my past, my dynamics because we haven't even told each other that it hurt. That you were mad and hurt and I was mad and hurt.

And, also, it isn't funny and I think we both know it would hurt to act like it is and so you keep silent because you can't go to a familiar place, a narrative place, a newspaper column place.

And I can't, either. God, I'd better write memoirs. My life has been shaped in reflection. I'm continually looking back on the stories when the stories are still unfolding.

I love you and I'm just noticing -- I'm "guarded" says my supervisor. I'm "very protected." I keep people at a distance. She gets an image of me mentally going, "I'll be here, and other people, you be over here."

I didn't realize till this trip exactly who I get that from.

I'm not blaming you and I don't want it to sound like I'm blaming you but I'm just mad because I don't know what I do that makes people react like that, and I don't know what YOU do, and if I could figure out what one of us does it'd be nice, you know? Because then I could maybe change it and be close to someone or want someone in my life or whatever. I mean, for you, you got engaged at 18. Okay? I'm 27 in two days, and I'm more self-contained than you and dad are cuz you're self-contained with each other and I'm self-contained alone. And I don't know how to end it and I don't know how I want to end it, but what frustrates me is I don't think I could be unguarded even if I wanted to. The people I've been close to I'm drifting away from through space and time and lifedrift, and I'm not replacing them. There's no one now who knows me like I know myself.

I tried to protect you both very much from my life and knowing me. And i don't know if I want that to change, because, yes, I'm ashamed of an awful lot. And shame means, in part, trying to hide it because I blame myself. And some of the blame IS mine. But not all. But I can't -- I don't know. I don't know. I don't even know what I would want you to know about me or what I would want to know about you.

I'd want you to know that I hurt. I mean, not now. Past tense. I'd want you to know that I hated myself. But I'd want you to know it in a way that doesn't have you going, "So what? My life was hard too." and that doesn't also have you blaming yourself for not seeing it or whatever else.

I love you but I can't figure me out these days and suddenly I'm starting to realize that you are partly the reason for that. That's not a blaming statement, just a statement of fact. Inscrutable, we are. On the edge. Leaders, but not pack leaders.

I love you but that's not how I want to end this, because I'm saying it from a place of guilt and not a place of love. Still, it's true. Decisionally, if not the operating emotion of the moment.

Me

[Virlomi]

Dear You,

What happened? I wish I knew. It seemed so promising. whispering alluring possibilities. I know it's silly, but I think it, you, could have been it for me, some day. The timing was awful, we both knew that the timing was awful. But it was a start. And there was so much potential for growth and discovery. It was a perfect start. You were, are, so many things I've always wanted, held out hope for, longed for wistfully. And weirdly enough, you were interested in me. And that was just so unexpected. And it just seemed to be going so well.

And then it just... didn't. It just stopped. No reason or warning, it just sort of fizzled. I wish I knew what happened. I wish I knew what is going on inside your head. I wish we could just sit and have a conversation about the whole thing. I know it's silly, but I know it's silly, but I feel like it could not be over... that maybe there's something more. I just wish I knew why.

-me

[Virlomi]

Dear You,

So I finally got far enough into the archived strips of Questionable Content to be able to actually get your whole Makeout Hobo thing. And I laughed. Loudly. And now that I finally get the reference, I've got to admit that I'm impressed. Anyway, just thought I'd share. And I think this marks the first time in history I've ever written you a DY.

-me

[luminousnerd]

Dear you,

Sometimes I look fondly upon the memories and think that it never could have worked anyway. Much more often, I gaze towards the dream catcher you created with such care for me, and wonder where all that care went. They say that matter is never created nor destroyed. Is that true for love? Or for care, if it can't be said that we loved each other? Do you still care for me at all? Or have I been replaced completely?

A three word sentence too often uttered has run through my head so many times. I miss you. And if it never could have worked, that makes it all the worse, because it was so beautiful, what there was of it anyway. I will always miss you, I fear. In fact, I believe I may have missed you when we were together. That was the feeling I couldn't place, the nag at my throat every time you did something so amazing. If it isn't true in general, it is certainly true for us. Never created, never destroyed. I do love you.

Goodbye.

[Miss Abbie]

Dear you,

Thanks for mentioning that however many years ago it was. I finally got around to looking it up this summer and then I bought it and it was the best seventy dollars I've ever spent, I think. It's beautiful. It's mostly perfect--and you know my one complaint and you know it's silly and fangirlish.

I love it, I love it, I love it.

I owe you big time.

-me

[Dr. Mobius]

Dear You(s),

I went to the post office thursday morning. Better late than never.

- Doc

[Qing_Jao]

Dear you,
It doesn't make sense at all to plan to have the purchase from one DC end before the purchase from the new DC begins. This leaves the store, and its customers SOL, frankly. And, it really messed up my day. I was expecting the purchase to arrive today (only because you wouldn't authorize one that was already in the store and failed to tell us for a month and a half), and now that it's not going to get here until next Friday ruins my plans severely.
Thanks a freakin' lot.

[zeroguy]

Dear luminousnerd and liquifiedrainbows,

Seriously, now. One of you get an avatar, or at least put something in your signature. You're making me so hopelessly confused when I mix up those names I see on the left when I glance at them too quickly.

-me

[Dr. Mobius]

Hm... should I?

[Petra456]

Dear you,

I don't want to have to ask again, grrr.

- Fred


Dear you,

Told ya so...

- nicole

[Jayelle]

Dear luminousnerd and liquifiedrainbows,

Seriously, now. One of you get an avatar, or at least put something in your signature. You're making me so hopelessly confused when I mix up those names I see on the left when I glance at them too quickly.

-me

Yup.

[fawkes]

Dear luminousnerd and liquifiedrainbows,

Seriously, now. One of you get an avatar, or at least put something in your signature. You're making me so hopelessly confused when I mix up those names I see on the left when I glance at them too quickly.

-me

Yup.

Agreed.

[luminousnerd]

It's probably temporary.

Never mind. Changed it and I think I can stick with this one for a while

[Rei]

Dear you,

Please phone me. I tried the cell, like you told me, but I guess you forgot it or something because someone else picked it up and told me that you are still out. I would really like to hear from you, though... it's lonely here, tonight

[Young Val]

dear you,

i knew better than to realistically expect it, and yet i'm still shocked that midnight has come and gone... and you didn't call.

-Kel



dear you,

seriously, what a f****** dick thing to do to me tonight. you made me chase you down the hall, sobbing, f****** BEGGING your forgiveness, when the fact remains, what i said was completely true. NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU. i was NOT crying about you tonight, i was crying about--shocker!--henry. BIG SURPRISE! and yet you turn it into the first melodrama of 2007 by storming off and calling me a bitch? wake up, sweetheart. the world does not revolve around you. and yes, you apologized afterward until you were blue in the face. but it doesn't change the fact that we started our new year with you walking out on me.

-Kel

[zeroguy]

Dear Boise St.,

I don't watch Football (American) that often, but you just rock, without a doubt. That is probably one of the best games I've ever seen.

-me

[Olhado_]

Dear you,

You really need to post more.

-Me

[Fodi]

Dear you,

Take off the blindfold and open your eyes. There is a real world outside these walls that you're hiding behind, and it will find you regardless of whether or not you want to be found.

-your smallest fan

[zeroguy]

(This is a post from a few pages back; I asked whether it would be worth it two write a 2-page paper to raise my letter a single grade in a 1-credit class. Sorry about necroposting, but I've been thinking about it for some reason lately.)

it's worth it. it will matter, maybe not now, but it will matter in your overall gpa when you graduate. do it.

(this, from a girl who's been there).

I already did this and got credit for it, but upon reflection, I really don't see the point. And actually, I did it for exactly the opposite reasons... Would't this not affect me at all in the long term? I will have taken probably over 100 credits by graduation.... so a 1-point change in a 1-credit class wouldn't really affect the cumulative GPA more than .01, right?

And for the record yet again.... I really really hate the class that caused all this. And the paper itself I had to write was just as BS as the real class was.

[fawkes]

Dear Head,

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You'll be ok.

~me

[Luet]

along the same lines...

Dear head,

stop hurting. please stop hurting. i know i stopped taking the medicine that helped you but i started a different one and you just have to give it time to start working. in the mean time, do you really have to hurt all the freaking time?

me

[Eaquae Legit]

Dear you,

Don't work too hard.

[Petra456]

Dear you,

*love*

That's all.

- me

[fawkes]

Dear snow,

I've had enough! Go away already! Or at least give the snow from the other two blizzards a chance to finish melting.

I hate you.

~me

[Luet]

Dear snow,

Please come HERE instead of colorado. It's January and it'll be 60 degrees tomorrow in upstate NY. It's ridiculous!


Dear head...again,

stop hurting. i can't take it much longer.

[Eaquae Legit]

Dear You,

That was inappropriate. A funeral is *not* the time for that. I wanted to say goodbye to my friend, not be subjected to an altar call. The next time you do a funeral, I hope you remember to *mention* the person.

-- Unhappy

[Jayelle]

Dear you,

*hugs* I feel for you.

-JL

[VelvetElvis]

Dear You,

That was inappropriate. A funeral is *not* the time for that. I wanted to say goodbye to my friend, not be subjected to an altar call. The next time you do a funeral, I hope you remember to *mention* the person.

-- Unhappy

oh wow.

[human.]

Dear you,
Your job has always been to protect me and teach me the right. You were supposed to set a good example for me. But, no. You lie to me, you both have, but you were the one who started it. I can’t talk to you. I never have been able to, so I follow your example and find my own ways to get a long, they aren’t good ways, but they work. But still, I’m held back by the thought of you. I still want to impress you. Why? You don’t deserve to be proud of me.. not like there’s much to be proud of. And you deserve to feel awkward all of those times. You think I’m still the same person I was before it happened. I wasn’t even a teenager then, how can you think I’d be that same person?
Well, have a nice day,
Me.

Dear you,
Stop being so lazy! 3.8 for your first semester!? You’ve got to actually try. You can raise it, and you know you can. So stop procrastinating, get your work done. Your life depends on it. So study, and get your mind into the school mode. Holidays are over, kid. Get back to reality. Here’s a hint: Stop complaining. Everyone has complaints, so you don’t have to say yours. They just waste your time, and make you feel sorry for yourself and the others that have to listen to you, like you are right now.
Good luck,
Your mind.

[shadow-petra]

Dear you,

When Grandpa died, I didn't know what to feel. When I saw him at the wake, I regretted not missing him when he was alive. He showed his love for me, rarely ever criticized me, always gave me candy. Of course, sometimes it was stale, but it was a nice gesture. My tears at the funeral were tears of sadness, pondering what I'll miss.

If you die, if I have a small tear for you, it'll be for happiness for your death. You will not be missed, and I will not regret saying that. You demand respect from me. He never did. Even though he talked a lot, and was annoying at times, I'd rather have him than you. You will say that I must respect my elders, and that I do. To the librarians, to my friend's granparents, to everyone I could. But you, I cannot give respect to. I've tried, and all you do is pester me will bits and pieces of tiny details of what I should be, what I should do. I'm sorry I'm not a boy, but you must know, it's your son's fault, not mine or my mother's. Blame your mama's boy son. I will not miss anything from, because you never gave me anything. I may sound cruel, but you don't deserve my love. It's an emotion reserved for those who are nice to another. You help others out, but never your own granddaughter.

I know you only give me red pockets on Chinese New Year because it's tradition. I bet if there was no CNY, you'd never give me anything. Sleeping on wood helped my posture, yes. But it did not help me grow taller. You shouted at me, to go back to sleeping on a f****** piece of wood, as if you controlled me. As if, if i did switch back, I would grow to be 5'9". News for you, old bag, if you hadn't noticed, I haven't been growing for the past 2 years, and I switched to a temperpedic 6 months ago. You always blame me and my mother for everything I did wrong. Have you ever thought it might be you who is wrong? I speak chinese when I know the words, and when I don't I ask. Don't blame me for what my spoiled brat ass sister can't. It is your fault, for not spending more time with us, so don't compare us with other children who have grandmothers who spend time with them. I don't need to wait till you're dead. You are already dead to me.

-me


Dear you both,

What kind of s*** brained uncles are you baboons?? You never get me birthday/christmas presents. You, James, can't even spell my name! AND YOU GAVE IT TO ME!!!! You criticize my mother and my life, well what about yours old man? Both of you living at your mom's house, thinking Young Pills will actually make you young. You both are just a bad joke! You see your friend's kids more than you do me, even buy them presents when their families could probably afford it. So I ask you again, why do you sons of a bitches think I will listen to you? you two, out of the Mao family, definately do not deserve respect. You don't even know that I live. I hope you bastards go to f****** Hell!

-me

Dear you,

You've said, countless times to my mother, to 'tell your daughter this, tell your daughter that' as if i'm not your daughter. Well let me tell you something, you're not my father. I may carry your name and your blood run in my veins, but I will never be your daughter. I used to wish your family will love me, but i know from today, you don't. Especially you. You're supposed to stick up for me, you knew your mother was wrong, you know i've stopped growing, so why not tell them that? You've never supported what i've done, and when you suggest something and i try to please you, you end up dissappointed. I don't know why i wish you'd convince them to accept me. It was stupid and so are you. You want to know why i side with my mother all the time, just think about what you've said, and what you haven't

-"daughter"

[human.]

Dear you,
I hope you know you're amazing. That's it, you are. You're very brave, and it astonishes me that you can deal with all of this. I hope you know I love you. You're like my sister. But you won't know this, maybe ever. It's sad, but I will always admire you.
Me

[daPyr0x]

Dear You,

You've been ignoring me on and off. That is frustrating. If you want me out of your life...if you don't want to hear from me whatsoever...all you have to do is say so.

All I ask of you is to tell me. Tell me that you don't want me in your life anymore. Tell me that love isn't worth it. Tell me we wasted our time. Tell me that you've given up on what I always believed was true love. Tell me that. Say you don't want me a part of your life. I desire nothing more than for you to be happy, and I want to make that happen. "Call me old fashioned, but when you love someone, I believe you should be unselfish enough to give them whatever they want."

Say stop, and I stop.
Say "come back to me," and I come back.
Say "drive down and see me again," and I see you again.

Say something.
Say what you want. Tell me what you want. Tell me what will make you happy. I follow that.

I'm not going to be happy with her, as you directed me to be. I know this, and I broke up with her because of that.
I don't think you're going to be happy with him. That's the only reason I still push, because I Want you to be happy, not to settle for something less out of hurt and anger.

Just say something. Say what you want.

--Cam

[Young Val]

dear you,

omigod, i know exactly what you mean.

[lovesonia]

Dear You:

Thank you SO much for getting me sick. I thought it was a cold up until talking to you. I wasn't mad. I was grouchy and depressed and feeling s*****, as colds will do. But, no, today you tell me it's not a cold, it's f****** BRONCHITIS! I spend three hours with you on new years eve and you f****** give me bronchitis? What the f*** is that?! I love you, I really really do, but right now I could strangle you!

I would have been happy to not get sick for quite a while after the start of the year. I would have been okay having a cold. It's a small price to pay. But bronchitis is not a small price to pay. I haven't slept through the night since getting back. Not once. I wake up, unable to breathe because I've been coughing. I take a deep breath, I cough. I walk downstairs, I cough. I laugh, I cough. I talk, I cough.

I can't breathe out of my nose. That means eating and drinking are terribly difficult. I sneeze all the f****** time. I feel like my brain is dripping out of my nose. My left eye is always watery. My nose is very sore. My throat is very sore. My lungs are very sore. My mind is very unhappy with me.

YOU should have been the one this sick, since you started it. Instead, you were coughing and sneezing for a whole two days.

Thanks for making the first week of the new year hellish for me. See you in a couple months if I'm not still coughing my lungs out.

- Your very pissed friend.


Dear You:

Stop being angry. Stop feeling so horrible. Take your ass to bed and try to sleep. You'll thank me in the morning when you have to get up and attempt a halfassed job search.

-yourself.

[Miss Abbie]

Dear you,

Has it never occurred to you that maybe I don't speak because I don't have anything to say?

I know, I know, it's a crazy thought.

It's just that I like watching you all talk and laugh and you call me your friend for whatever reason so I can laugh with you. And also, I'm sometimes sort of just afraid that if I say things, you won't like me anymore. And I'd rather have the title of silent than be known as permanently in la la land, or as moody and irascible.

Which is all to say please stop looking at me and ordering me to talk.

-Abbie