Name-Change Stereotypes

[Claire]

I plan on changing my last name if/when I get married because I am not particularly attached to it, I have two brothers, one male cousin and a couple of other distant relatives with my last name so I don't think it will die out or anything if take my husband's, and I like the tradition.

[Mahatma]

The way I see it, if I ever get married, either I have my father's name or my husband's name (or both, but for some reason I'd hate a hyphenated name). I'd much rather have my husband's name because a) I chose him, I didn't choose my dad, b) hopefully my husband is a lot less of an ignorant sexist than my dad is, and c) my dad's whole family is frustrating and I'd actually be quite happy to ditch that name. So, um, I'm biased?

[luminousnerd]

I think that if the love you share with someone is so fragile that it needs that symbol, it's not love.

*Sigh* you just don't get what I'm saying. Sorry I'm not better with words.

[mr_thebrain]

apparently nobody understands you LN.

don't give up though. people don't always need to understand you. just make sure you don't get offended when we don't.

[luminousnerd]

I know. I have a difficult time explaining my beliefs.

I should stick to fiction.

[Eaquae Legit]

No, keep practicing explaining. Try to take the commentary as helpful and learn from it. Like Valentine and Peter, eh? Eventually you'll be orating like Cicero (the old windbag)!

[Hegemon]

I wouldn't get married unless the girl was willing to change her name. I think that her being unwilling to do so would be a complete and total embarassment for me.

For me, marriage would be a particularly dangerous thing. Once I get married, it is far harder to protect my money. Even a common-law marriage *aka just living together* would afford me better opportunities to protect my assets upon dissolution of the relationship.

I know that people say that they will not get married unless they are 100% certain that they will not get divorced, but that doesn't change the fact that it happens anyways. There have been people that are 100% that the world is flat, and they were still flat out wrong.

To me, marriage has very little meaning. Loving, caring for and living with a person is what matters to me. The marriage itself, for me at least, is a formality, that could be very costly. So for it to occur, I would need some sort of token sacrifice as well, which means taking my name.

[anonshadow]

...

[Hegemon]

It is actually rather difficult to protect the assets.

If you happen to have a fair bit of money going into the marriage, then you can protect it with a prenuptial agreement. Problem is that those agreements only apply to the money that you have earned prior to the marriage.

In my case, I am sad to say that I am not a person who was born into wealth. So any money that I ever have will have been earned by me. If I put off marriage until I was like 50-something, then a pre-nup would work just fine, but if I get married prior to making the money, I will get nailed should a divorce occur.

From my understanding of family law, other side-agreements and contracts that are made with the intention of protecting one's assets will be ignored by the courts.

[mr_thebrain]

John and I are going to be millionaires.

we even made a bet about it... long time ago. (don't think i've forgotten about it either, john!)

in other words, john may not be the only one working, and he may not be the only one making a s*** ton of cash. but the millions that ARE his have to be protected.

[anonshadow]

You both tell me how that goes.

[mr_thebrain]

[Hegemon]

As i recall, the first one who makes it has to buy drinks... in Hawaii

[mr_thebrain]

yup.

[anonshadow]

...

[Claire]

John, you could always marry a rich girl- then you don't have to worry about her stealing your money.

[LilBee91]

I'd change my name. It's a tradition. My current last name is a pain to sign. My brothers can carry on the family name just fine. And as it is, I'm not all that attached to my father's surname--I look enough like him that I don't need that to show we're related.

My English teacher last year followed the Italian traditon (at least, that's what she said it was). She took her husbands name, but her kids had her maiden name. I thought that was an interesting way of doing things.

[VelvetElvis]

I have a super-cool last name, so I might keep it or I might hyphenate it. That said, any children would have the father's name.

[daPyr0x]

I was in a relationship where name changes were beocming a rather imminant issue....

Honestly, I was excited to have her taking my last name; and I think she was excited for that as well.

To me, it's not about whether she's "mine" or I'm "hers", it's about "we're together". With that, though; I'd need a reason to go against the tradition so publicly like that, I'm not usually the type to openly go against the trend because I don't like having to justify myself if I don't have any backing.

[Hegemon]

Claire, that would be a sweet deal... All I gotta do is talk her out of the pre-nup, lol.

Incidentally, I just want to make it clear that while I want my wife to take my last name, I also reserve the right to make any of you people take my last name as well.

[anonshadow]

...

[steph]

I took my husband's name. I didn't have a middle name growing up, so my maiden name is now my middle name. I hated not having a middle name growing up, and I'm not so sure I like have a last name as my middle name, so I have every intention of not carrying on the no-middle name crap that was thrown at me.

[fawkes]

Same as my mom. She said it was a Southern custom.

[VelvetElvis]

They don't do that everywhere?

[Qing_Jao]

For me, there was no question. It was what was done, and what I wanted to do, so I adopted his name. I'm glad I did.

[Ela]

I did not change my last name when I got married.

There were a number of women my age who did not change their last names at the time I got married in the area in which I was living. Others decided on hyphenated or dual last names. Most of these were professional women with an interest in keeping the name under which they earned their credentials and/or had published papers.

Some couples decided that both halves of the couple would take the husband's name, the traditional view.

My husband and I discussed it and decided against a hyphenated name because our two last names together do not exactly roll off the tongue well.

We then moved to a community in which it is fairly uncommon for women to keep their names when they marry, but overall it has not been a problem.

At my children's schools, I am sometimes referred to as Mrs. [my husband's last name], and I answer to that, even though it is not my legal name. My husband sometimes get mail addressed to [Mr. Ela] and we find that amusing.

I think my mother-in-law may have been somewhat taken aback by our decision, initially, but she has gotten used to it. My children use my husband's last name.

Basically, it is a non-issue for us. I see it as a very individual decision - couples need to discuss and decide what their feelings are about it and what they want to do, and that is all. It's nobody else's business.

My two-cents' worth.

[LilBee91]

I took my husband's name. I didn't have a middle name growing up, so my maiden name is now my middle name. I hated not having a middle name growing up, and I'm not so sure I like have a last name as my middle name, so I have every intention of not carrying on the no-middle name crap that was thrown at me.

I'm rather fond of my lack of a middle name. My friends have come up with enough nicknames to fill in that space that I have little desire to have a real one.

[Nicholas]

My surname has both good and bad memories to me. However, I am closer to that side of my family, so I’m a little attached to the name. Kevin and I have talked about it and he wants me to take his name, yet he would hate for me to lose my name so I’m going with two middle names.

(Plus when people ask me my last name it's fun to see there expressions and confusion when I say Stacey)

[luminousnerd]

Answer me this (directed at anyone who refuses to change their name).

Your name is so important to you that you will go against the flow, take legal procedures to change it, and (potentially) upset your husband. Yet, you have troubles seeing why it is so important to ME that my wife take my name?

[Rei]

I can see why you find it important that your wife change her name. However, I can see why any woman would react to someone who unbendingly demands she change her name for you. It's one thing to strongly desire that she change her name to yours. It's something completely different to say that she HAS to and that she is not allowed to even consider otherwise, because to not change her name would be a slap in the face to you. A lot of things in life are not so much about what one is willing to do or not do, but what one is able to do. If you deny that ability to act contrary to your wishes, people are less willing to act according to your wishes.

[Eaquae Legit]

It doesn't take legal procedures to not change it, as I understand. In fact, it's far LESS of a legal hassle to avoid it.

As to the question, I am simply asking to remain who I have always been. You are asking/demanding someone else to change that. The difference is that I want to keep MY OWN name, and you want someone to take YOURS. I'm not asking anyone else to change their name.

[Guest]

Or you and your hypothetical partner could change your last names to "Wiggin."

[fawkes]

Answer me this (directed at anyone who refuses to change their name).

Your name is so important to you that you will go against the flow, take legal procedures to change it, and (potentially) upset your husband. Yet, you have troubles seeing why it is so important to ME that my wife take my name?

It's fine that it's important to you, but what if your potential wife's last name was very important to her? Say, and this is probably reaching, but say her parents died in a tragic fire that consumed the home where she grew up, everything her parents owned, and all she had left to remember them by was their name? Would you still insist that she change her name simply because you want her to? Or would you stop and consider her feelings for a microsecond?

[mr_thebrain]

wait... women have feelings? i thought their sole purpose and design and desire was to serve us men?!?

[fawkes]

Oh, right, I completely forgot. How may I serve you, master? For I am lowly and my brain is much smaller, as proved by your male scientists.