Name-Change Stereotypes

[Jayelle]

Answer me this (directed at anyone who refuses to change their name).

Your name is so important to you that you will go against the flow, take legal procedures to change it, and (potentially) upset your husband. Yet, you have troubles seeing why it is so important to ME that my wife take my name?

First of all - It's really not going against the flow not to take the husbands last name. It might have been, say 40-50 years ago, but it isn't anymore. In all the different married couples I know, it's about even - half have changed half either haven't or have adopted a hybrid of their two names.


What about both partners adopting both names, LN? I know several couples who have hyphenated and both taken both last names. I think that's a good compromise. Both names are represented.

Also - Do you have trouble seeing the difference between "my name is important therefore I want to keep it" vs. "my name is so important you have to take it"?


That all being said, I changed my name when I got married. Frankly, I like Paul's last name better then my maiden name.

[mr_thebrain]

Oh, right, I completely forgot. How may I serve you, master? For I am lowly and my brain is much smaller, as proved by your male scientists.

heh that's better!

[anonshadow]

Answer me this (directed at anyone who refuses to change their name).

Your name is so important to you that you will go against the flow, take legal procedures to change it, and (potentially) upset your husband. Yet, you have troubles seeing why it is so important to ME that my wife take my name?

If you don't change your name, you don't need to go through any legal procedures.

Now, as far as everything else goes--I have never seen any good reason to go with the flow simply because it exists. How will the direction of the flow change, if everyone simply follows the status quo?

I don't care if it "upsets" my future husband. I don't like being told what to do, and I don't like being given ultimatums. If he tried to bully me into doing it anyway, he'd stop or he'd be gone. If he was so upset over a name that he couldn't get over it--well, tough s***.

See, what you're not getting is that a woman's maiden name is her default name. It isn't that I need a reason not to change my name; it's that a woman who does change her name is selecting an option that isn't the default option. Which is fine--but the way you're behaving, I need to justify keeping something exactly the way it is, and that makes absolutely no sense.

I fail to see how my not changing my name should make me any more understanding of your demanding that you wife change hers.

Which is really the crux of the issue. To want someone you marry to take your name--that's fine, and that's understandable. To have it be a deal breaker, and to demand that your spouse change their name to match yours--that's a really sick, twisted thing to do. That is, on some level, taking the decision out of their hands and treating them like a child, instead of being respectful. Respect would involve giving your input, and waiting for a verdict--which some of our PWeb married/engaged men seem perfectly content with. It's disrespectful to demand it.

[anonshadow]

It doesn't take legal procedures to not change it, as I understand. In fact, it's far LESS of a legal hassle to avoid it.

Anecdote:

Say my mother's maiden name was Jane Elizabeth Smith. When she married my father, she took his last name, Brown, and pretty much dropped Elizabeth, so her name became Jane Smith Brown.

She continued to file taxes under her old social security card, which said "Jane Smith" on it. The taxes were filed under Jane Smith Brown, which was fine--

Until one year, an accountant screwed up, and just filed her taxes under Jane Brown. She had to go through this whole song and dance to get a new social security card reissued, and it was a huge pain in the ass.

Just one of many pains in the ass parts of changing your name.

[lyons24000]

My fiancee wants to hyphenate her name. Convento-Lyons. I don't like the idea but I am willing to let her. But I told her that I would never write our names:

Shawn and Damaris Lyons

Damaris Lyons will not be her name and I will always write it

Shawn Lyons and Damaris Convento-Lyons

I don't care what I am writing it on whether it's an envelope or a card from both of us. To me, her last name is not "Lyons" and never will be "Lyons". It will always be "Convento-Lyons" and if she wants the "Convento" on there then she shouldn't be so willing to drop it for sake of convenience.

She told me that she doesn't like that idea of separating our names on everything because she doesn't feel like we'd be one and I said the same thing. If we don't have the same last name I'll feel like we're not one. I would also feel that if we wrote our names "Shawn and Damaris Lyons" then it would be like me writing my name "Shawn Ons" for sake of convenience. Althought "Ons" is part of my last name it is not my last name.

She has now elected to drop the "Convento" and the argument is now reversed. I say that she should hyphenate her name and she says that she shouldn't even though we both want the opposite. I want her to keep her last name because that is what she wants and I want her to have what she wants.

It's kind of humorous.

[hive_king]

Why don't you both become Convento-Lyons?

[lyons24000]

I offered that as an option but she declined. Plus, it would be a reluctant name change.

[mr_thebrain]

heh sounds like pretty much every argument i have ever had with my wife. first you argue your point. she argues against you. someone gives in. but nobody wants a "give in" you want the result to be happy on both sides. so you argue that you should just what you want cuz otherwise the other will be a pain in the ass for a very long time. and it's annoying dealing with them when they're a pain in the ass.

recently i've been taking another tact. i argue my point. she argues back. i make a series of very valid and logical points calmly — so as to calm things down. then i reiterate those points a few times... subtly over the next few days (or weeks depending on the size or importence of the issue). then i wait. usually a few days later — and up to a month later — she presents this brand new solution that she's cooked up! and it's wonderful and she's so happy and so very proud about it... and it's exactly the point i was making to begin with. my first reaction to her doing this was frustration cuz my ego was screaming at me "mother f******! you freakin' deserve the credit for that!" then i realized that i'm getting my way and she's happy about it. who cares if she acknowledges the fact that it was my idea, when the results are happy-making. besides i'll know that it's my idea, and that makes me happy. although if you can wait long enough, you can get her to do the same process just about giving you credit. heh.

and thats what marriage is all about... bending your spouse to your will in a fashion that makes her think it's her idea.

[hive_king]

You'll be a great husband.

[Young Val]

my last name is by far my favorite part of my name, and as my sister and i are the last of our clan, then name dies with us. i sort of always assumed that i'd just go ahead and change my name to my husband's if i get married, but my sister and i have already begun arguing about who gets to use our current surname as a given name for a child.

[jotabe]

Lyons, why don't you change your surname as well? something like:
Shawn Convento & Damaris Lyons
Sounds touching

[Gravity Defier]

I'm proud of my last name and the more I think about it, the less I want to change it should I ever get married. I will, however, hold off on that decision until I have a potential spouse to talk it over with.

I do plan on giving my kids two middle names; one being whatever name I happen to like when hopped up on all those hormones that come with pregnancy and the second being my last name. I'm pretty damn determined to get my way on that.

[Claire]

Claire, that would be a sweet deal... All I gotta do is talk her out of the pre-nup, lol.

Next time I see Jessica Simpson I'll let her know you're on the lookout.

[Ela]

wait... women have feelings? i thought their sole purpose and design and desire was to serve us men?!?

You're a trip, mr_thebrain.

[mr_thebrain]

i do my best.

[ratesjul]

I don't know what I would do.
My brother is getting married later this year, and I do somewhat wonder if his fiancee will change her name ... partly I wonder because she has the same first name as me, only spelled differently.

I was talking about this with friends a couple of weeks ago. One friend's mother changed her name, and then changed it back, partly because she ended up with three one syllable names, which was a little odd.
Another friend's mother asked three women who had changed their names if they regretted it, a decade or two down the track. Two (I think) said they did, so she didn't change her name.

I remember reading an article five or ten years ago about a guy who changed his name because his wife was the last of her family branch - no siblings, parents had no siblings with children... and he got asked a LOT of questions about it, and found it odd.

[Fish Tank]

A name is a name. If my future wife wanted me to have her's I would change mine.

[starlooker]

Depends on whether I publish first or marry first.

Although, something that annoys the crap out of me is the tendency to use alphabetical order when there are multiple authors on a publication. Since I'm a "W" I'm always last, which means I am forever consigned to be an et al. Ergo, if my future mate's last name is "Aaardvarki" I will definitely take it. No other reason, and quite assuredly, I will not take it if it bumps me down in alphabetical order.

And if said future mate cannot appreciate this logic, we might not be compatible.

[Firegirl]

Somehow changing one's name (at least one's last name) could be percieved as identifying with a group or a mark of possession. That is not necessarily bad, but blindly following a tradition without considering it's merits and flaws is detrimental to the individual and to society. In the medival times up to the mid 20th century it was standard in Western countries, for the women to take the men's last names. That is the past. I think that newer naming practices would better suit todays Post-post modern society.

[Guest]

"In manners of style, swim with the current. In matters of principle, stand like a rock." - The irrepressible T.J.

[hive_king]

Starlooker, if i change my last name to "Aardvarkovich" would you consider marrying me?

[starlooker]

I would consider it.

Probably not for long, but I would consider it.

[Jayelle]

I went from O to M, so, pretty much stuck in the middle of the alphabet from both directions.