Critique/Review my short story?
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Critique/Review my short story?
Hey, I'm looking for some critique on my work.
Storyline -- Is it enjoyable overall? Does it need more story to be whole? Is it unsatisfying?
Beginning -- Does it start out strong? Are you hooked? Do you want to read more? If not, do you have any suggestions of what might hook you better?
Prose -- Is the writing easy to follow, and pleasant to read?
Anything else, other suggestions I am open to. I want you to critique me harshly. I won't get my feelings hurt. I will take your suggestions seriously, and in most occasions I will probably change something based on your suggestion. I appreciate all who are willing to help.
http://www.luminousnerd.com/2006/last-hope
The file is lasthope_03.rtf towards the bottom of the post.
I appreciate any help with this
Storyline -- Is it enjoyable overall? Does it need more story to be whole? Is it unsatisfying?
Beginning -- Does it start out strong? Are you hooked? Do you want to read more? If not, do you have any suggestions of what might hook you better?
Prose -- Is the writing easy to follow, and pleasant to read?
Anything else, other suggestions I am open to. I want you to critique me harshly. I won't get my feelings hurt. I will take your suggestions seriously, and in most occasions I will probably change something based on your suggestion. I appreciate all who are willing to help.
http://www.luminousnerd.com/2006/last-hope
The file is lasthope_03.rtf towards the bottom of the post.
I appreciate any help with this
- Young Val
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i can't download it for some reason. i'd be happy to critique it if you posted the full text somewhere.
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
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- Soldier
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Hmm, should work fine now. Probably you're still viewing the old version. No matter, here's a direct link
http://www.luminousnerd.com/wp-content/ ... ope_03.rtf
http://www.luminousnerd.com/wp-content/ ... ope_03.rtf
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Oh, and by the way...I'm not trying to rush anyone here...but, honestly, if you can't get through it, don't feel bad...just tell me how far you got and if there's any comments on why it bored you...
Trust me, I won't be offended. The mark of an author is the ability to throw out his/her work if it needs to be thrown out. So seriously, lay it on me.
ANYTHING bad about this, I want to know
Thanks again
Trust me, I won't be offended. The mark of an author is the ability to throw out his/her work if it needs to be thrown out. So seriously, lay it on me.
ANYTHING bad about this, I want to know
Thanks again
I am not very good at reviewing things... at all, but I personally liked it. I had to dl it then open it in wordpad, but eitherway it worked. If you really want feedback, especially from other authors, try uploading it to fictionpress.net I think it is. when I read that "she would be destroyed, along with a species", I immediately thought it was going to be an Ender's Game-esqu story, but surprisingly it was different. But I'm no author, nor very good at english, so my opinion on this isn't very important, but I'd try posting it on fictionpress.net or it might be fiction-press.net, something liek that, I think it's good enough to go up there.
"I knew you were searching for him. I didn't want to interfere until you found him. Just in case you think you were really smart, young man, we intercepted four street thugs and two known sex offenders who were after you."
Sister Carlotta
Sister Carlotta
You might want to check out the Writing Workshop section of Hatrack River. (www.hatrack.com, case you didn't know).
That said, I'd love to critique it.
That said, I'd love to critique it.
- Rei
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I haven't looked at your story, but if you have hopes of doing something with it, I would avoid putting more than an excerpt online. Making your work publically accessible online is considered first publication.But I'm no author, nor very good at english, so my opinion on this isn't very important, but I'd try posting it on fictionpress.net or it might be fiction-press.net, something liek that, I think it's good enough to go up there.
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
~Blaise Pascal
私は。。。誰?
Dernhelm
~Blaise Pascal
私は。。。誰?
Dernhelm
well, I only have time to read the first 3 or 4 pages, but here are my initial reactions:
The first scene is intriging. It starts at a good place. But then it progresses into a major infodump. That mean's that you're giving us all the background to the story all at once. It's impossible to follow, and impossible to remember all of it.
Keep with the action. Have the background be revealed to us as the story progresses. That way, we'll understand it and won't forget it.
Ok that's my $.02. I might have time to read the rest later, but it's doubtful, considering school just started again, and.....well you know how that goes.
The first scene is intriging. It starts at a good place. But then it progresses into a major infodump. That mean's that you're giving us all the background to the story all at once. It's impossible to follow, and impossible to remember all of it.
Keep with the action. Have the background be revealed to us as the story progresses. That way, we'll understand it and won't forget it.
Ok that's my $.02. I might have time to read the rest later, but it's doubtful, considering school just started again, and.....well you know how that goes.
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All of your advice is greatly appreciated! I'll keep tweaking with it!
A few questions:
1) Rei: If I am not to publish it online, what do you suggest for getting critique? I have no one close to me who is willing to critique it as harshly as I'd like it critiqued. And I don't have anyone who I know well enough online to send it for a critique, either.
2) Seiryu: Well, if I don't try to 'impress anyone' it will be total s*** like most of the arguments I have on this forum So what will it be...first you tell me I don't do enough research/put enough effort into editing, now I'm doing it too much? I'm probably just not understanding what you mean here, it would be cool if you could be more specific.
To everyone else, I really appreciate your suggestions, I will certainly take them into account in my edits!! Thanks a ton!
Thanks tons to puppets for the suggestion of FictionPress.com (I think this is the one you were suggesting--it's the closest one I found). I'll definitely look into it, it looks very interesting!
A few questions:
1) Rei: If I am not to publish it online, what do you suggest for getting critique? I have no one close to me who is willing to critique it as harshly as I'd like it critiqued. And I don't have anyone who I know well enough online to send it for a critique, either.
2) Seiryu: Well, if I don't try to 'impress anyone' it will be total s*** like most of the arguments I have on this forum So what will it be...first you tell me I don't do enough research/put enough effort into editing, now I'm doing it too much? I'm probably just not understanding what you mean here, it would be cool if you could be more specific.
To everyone else, I really appreciate your suggestions, I will certainly take them into account in my edits!! Thanks a ton!
Thanks tons to puppets for the suggestion of FictionPress.com (I think this is the one you were suggesting--it's the closest one I found). I'll definitely look into it, it looks very interesting!
The thing about fictionpress is that most people post their stories in segments as they go along, so they can get advice from eachother, from what I've seen on there, reading reviews and etc of random people's stories, it is a very good reader/writer community, post your story in segments or chapters,... etc. There may be other sites too, I'd still at least look around for other sites though, a personal website doesn't get as many visitors as the more commercial kind.
"I knew you were searching for him. I didn't want to interfere until you found him. Just in case you think you were really smart, young man, we intercepted four street thugs and two known sex offenders who were after you."
Sister Carlotta
Sister Carlotta
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I am no writer (and I'm also not Rei, but alas), but you could post a smaller excerpt (possibly one of significance, or one giving trouble), and ask for comments on that. Then, when someone gives feedback or shows interest, badger them relentlessly with more private correspondance until they review the whole thing.1) Rei: If I am not to publish it online, what do you suggest for getting critique? I have no one close to me who is willing to critique it as harshly as I'd like it critiqued. And I don't have anyone who I know well enough online to send it for a critique, either.
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- Young Val
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i agree with zero's suggestions regarding the online publication problem.
before i continue with my critique, i'd like to say something brief. i've spent a lot of money and a lot of years learning how to hone my writing skills and how to critique and analyze the skills of others. i've been doing freelance work as a reader for a literary scout in new york city for a year. that means i have been reading solicited manuscripts and writing up reports on them. i'm the first gate you've got to pass. if i like it, it moves on; if i don't, it gets dumped right then and there.
i only say these things because when people ask for honest opinions and say they won't be offended--i give them my honest opinion, the way i've been trained to do, and i expect them not to be offended. but oftentimes they are. and, trust me, after my workshops in college, i know all too well how absolutely brutal people can be when critiquing stuff. and it's HARD to keep it separate from your self.
i'm thorough. and a lot of times i'm harsh. i give praise where it's due. it's not personal. it's strictly about the writing.
if you want THAT kind of a critique from me, i'll be happy to give it. if you would prefer something a bit more informal, i'll do that, then.
before i continue with my critique, i'd like to say something brief. i've spent a lot of money and a lot of years learning how to hone my writing skills and how to critique and analyze the skills of others. i've been doing freelance work as a reader for a literary scout in new york city for a year. that means i have been reading solicited manuscripts and writing up reports on them. i'm the first gate you've got to pass. if i like it, it moves on; if i don't, it gets dumped right then and there.
i only say these things because when people ask for honest opinions and say they won't be offended--i give them my honest opinion, the way i've been trained to do, and i expect them not to be offended. but oftentimes they are. and, trust me, after my workshops in college, i know all too well how absolutely brutal people can be when critiquing stuff. and it's HARD to keep it separate from your self.
i'm thorough. and a lot of times i'm harsh. i give praise where it's due. it's not personal. it's strictly about the writing.
if you want THAT kind of a critique from me, i'll be happy to give it. if you would prefer something a bit more informal, i'll do that, then.
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
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Hehe, that's a decent thought. Right now I'm most interested in knowing how the whole thing flows, though, and that's difficult with excerpts. :-/ Thanks for the advice though, I will put it into effect at some point in the future.I am no writer (and I'm also not Rei, but alas), but you could post a smaller excerpt (possibly one of significance, or one giving trouble), and ask for comments on that. Then, when someone gives feedback or shows interest, badger them relentlessly with more private correspondance until they review the whole thing.1) Rei: If I am not to publish it online, what do you suggest for getting critique? I have no one close to me who is willing to critique it as harshly as I'd like it critiqued. And I don't have anyone who I know well enough online to send it for a critique, either.
Shouldn't I be able to protect myself with some notice that says "This is not published, it is pre-published, I am only seeking advice" or something?
Young Val deserves a separate reply, so one moment.
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Well then I am very honored to get a review by youi agree with zero's suggestions regarding the online publication problem.
before i continue with my critique, i'd like to say something brief. i've spent a lot of money and a lot of years learning how to hone my writing skills and how to critique and analyze the skills of others. i've been doing freelance work as a reader for a literary scout in new york city for a year. that means i have been reading solicited manuscripts and writing up reports on them. i'm the first gate you've got to pass. if i like it, it moves on; if i don't, it gets dumped right then and there.
I want that kind of critique. I want a harsh reality check from someone like you You are exactly the kind of person I've been looking for, and if you do what you say you do, I would love to hire you if I had money for that. I'm honored that you'd be willing to critique this for me.i only say these things because when people ask for honest opinions and say they won't be offended--i give them my honest opinion, the way i've been trained to do, and i expect them not to be offended. but oftentimes they are. and, trust me, after my workshops in college, i know all too well how absolutely brutal people can be when critiquing stuff. and it's HARD to keep it separate from your self.
i'm thorough. and a lot of times i'm harsh. i give praise where it's due. it's not personal. it's strictly about the writing.
if you want THAT kind of a critique from me, i'll be happy to give it. if you would prefer something a bit more informal, i'll do that, then.
And yes, absolutely, I want the harsh stuff. I said I won't be offended, maybe I lied. I can't really know until I read it. But if I am offended, I can promise you that within a minute I'll remember that this was what I asked for, and that this is the greatest possible way to make my story better.
So please, give me all you got Young Val
Listen: people tend to, when they write, they write to be judged by others. The point of writing is to get a story told. You want to add a bit of fanciness, research, etc., that comes post-production. You can kind of tell when someone adds it during writing and after writing. It's not something I can be terribly specific about. Your sentences aren't terribly blended together well. It seems like a bit of a jump from one sentence to another even though they're about the same thing.2) Seiryu: Well, if I don't try to 'impress anyone' it will be total s*** like most of the arguments I have on this forum So what will it be...first you tell me I don't do enough research/put enough effort into editing, now I'm doing it too much? I'm probably just not understanding what you mean here, it would be cool if you could be more specific.
I'm not being negative. I'm trying to help and yet I don't know what to say. It's certainly interesting, just let it flow more.
(Dresden's battle cry going against fairies in book 4.)I don't believe in fairies!
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