Top Secret Catholic Code words

[hive_king]

Catholic code words

This information is for Catholics. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals' code words the better off they are. The only exceptions are probably Episcopalians: You know, the Catholics who moved to the suburbs and started voting Republican.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

[Jayelle]

(those are also mostly Anglican words, and a few of them are most churches)

[Rei]

Actually, they might also be Anglican, but they're also definitely Catholic. And yeah, a lot are all churches.

[hive_king]

Yeah, my very-much-episcopal nana sent it to me and I thought I'd post it for fun, to liven up the religions room.

[jotabe]

In any case, the theological (and even organizational) differences between the Catholic and the Anglican Churches are minimal.

[Dr. Mobius]

(those are also mostly Anglican words, and a few of them are most churches)

Gee, I wonder where those other churches got the idea from...

[Jayelle]

Actually, they might also be Anglican, but they're also definitely Catholic. And yeah, a lot are all churches.

Yeah, that's what I meant.

[Cooper]

Man who farts in churh, sits in his own pew.

[Non Serviam]

Thanks for the posting of "KYRIE ELEISON." I went to a Greek Orthodox church for 12 years and I still don't know what that means.