Philotic Web

Dear Bob,

Okay, this has been going on long enough. Seriously. I have been coming in here and complaining about feeling like crap, being depressed, needing new drugs, etc, for months now. I have seen a new psych nurse practitioner twice in the last two months and it's driving me nuts how conservative she is with treatment. First, she had me decrease one current (non-psych) medication to see if that was contributing to the "flat affect". It didn't help. The next visit, she had me increase my current AD to see if that would help. It didn't. So, now we are two months in (after a previous who knows how long of feeling miserable) and I'm no further. I know some people would prefer the conservative approach but I don't. I told her from the beginning that I needed a new medication. I know that I have refractive depression and that it's going to take SOMEthing more to make a dent. I moved my next appt up a week to this Thursday. I just really hope that I come home with something new. Because I know the chances are that it's going to take a few tries to even find something that will work, if I ever do. I just don't feel like I can continue like this. It's a terrible way to exist.

*hugs*
getting a med combination that works is hard enough, having someone work so slow must be unbearable

*Nomi hugs* Yes, that sucks. I don't remember the history with the psych nurse peoples; is there no other option for this, since this one is being so slow?

Dear Bob,

Normally, this is right about when I begin to get terrified. Things in my life are going pretty damn well. I'm marrying the man I love in 3 months and 16 days, and I have said "f*** it" to my wedding and am just letting it all go. Which feels AMAZING. I am making great strides in living a healthier lifestyle. I'm eating well, exercising regularly, dropping weight steadily, and am starting to feel more comfortable and accepting of my body than I ever have been. I am starting back up in the career of my heart on Monday, and I don't even have words for that one, really, except to say that I still can't believe it's real. I want my job to be tangible. I want to tuck it in the crook of my arm while I sleep. I want to feast on it.

In short, Bob, I have my s*** together. How odd.

Dear Bob,

Sorry for disappearing for a while there. My life got super crazy busy.

I graduated from vet school. I am officially a doctor now! Definitely haven't gotten used to that yet!

My brother graduated from college, which nobody expected to actually happen.

My husband, my parents and I drove 1100 miles and moved me into the house my husband has been living in for a couple months.

We bought new cars!

I actually live with my husband! For real. Permanently.

I missed you guys, though!

Dear Bob,

Sorry for disappearing for a while there. My life got super crazy busy.

I graduated from vet school. I am officially a doctor now! Definitely haven't gotten used to that yet!

My brother graduated from college, which nobody expected to actually happen.

My husband, my parents and I drove 1100 miles and moved me into the house my husband has been living in for a couple months.

We bought new cars!

I actually live with my husband! For real. Permanently.

I missed you guys, though!

Congratulations on all of this!!

Bob,

I cannot wait to be back in AZ (did I seriously just say that?!) this weekend. Puppies! My tree! Family! Predictable weather! My belongings that didn't make it up here in February! A/C!! Real food!

Or, put another way: acceptance, familiarity, unconditional love, history, smiling, hugs, cuddles, laughter.

This post could go on but I am now a minute late in leaving for work.

Nothing like the heat and humidity of the north to make you long for AC. You might be able to get a free (or cheap) one on CL for your apartment. Because you know it's going to get much worse, right? It's only May.

I think I might have laryngitis or something. Can only croak, loads of phlegm in the morning, some sinus congestion, otherwise feeling mostly okay (so far).

I enacted Operation Get s*** Done a couple weeks ago to try to get myself on track with my writing. It's been working out so far and I've been posting daily updates on FB, and apparently people enjoy reading them. This is weird to me, I thought certainly by Day 13 people would be so fed up with them, but everyone has been saying they love reading them. Huh?

I hope today is productive with the being sick and all.

Dear bob, I think it's great we are having a big grad party for my girl Kylie, and I don't mind a bit all the yard work around the farm (mowing down a parking area ect.) but I do despise the Mo in law asking me to move some of my machinery out back out of sight and handing a list of s*** she wants done to an employee. I know it's taboo to bitch about an in law. Im just screwed. |

Dear Bob,

Seriously, I need to start working. I am bored out of my mind with this stay at home wife thing. I don't even have kids to take care of or anything.

I can only clean so many things, cook so many things or watch so many episodes of TV (I'm in Season 5 of HIMYM, which I just started watching last week...)

Also, it doesn't help that Nate is home sleeping during the day while I'm up. I am out of productive, quiet and cheap things to do.

UUUUUUUURGH.

I thought you had a vet job waiting for you. When does that start?

June 3. I wanted earlier but we needed time for all the paperwork to come in

Bob,

Finally got started on a new (additional) med, Abilify. Except that she started me at half the normal starting dosage, 1mg. I don't like conservative psych docs!

I'm really fighting it but gosh am I sad.

Bob,

I find out Friday if I get to go full time or not and if I get to change locations at work. This would be a very good change, so i'm really hoping!

- Fred

Bob,

Finally got started on a new (additional) med, Abilify. Except that she started me at half the normal starting dosage, 1mg. I don't like conservative psych docs!

I'm really fighting it but gosh am I sad.

I was on Abilify once, it worked really well... but then the commercials for it started playing on TV and they really bug me for no rational reason... I stopped taking it for completely unrelated reasons. but yeah it was a good med and I hope it works well for you.

Bob,

I'm in one of those phases where it feels like (caps for emphasis) I AM NEVER GOING TO CATCH UP ON LIFE and that causes a bit of stress, wherein I decide to stay up later and just take more naps. Probably a bit of a counterproductive approach if you think about it. *grin*

Not really trying to complain. Just came in to say I feel busier than I actually am and that distinction seems to be lost on my brain.

In more important news, I have a ticket to see Book of Mormon (!!) and zero agreed to go with me to see Les Mis, assuming I can get tickets to that very limited run.

My poor bank account...

Hooray, hooray, our visas came today! We are legal!

Dear Bob,

It's nearly been a year. The nightmares and disturbing dreams about my old job are free to stop ANY DAY NOW.

Seriously. It's still at least one every couple weeks, often more.

I'm sick of it. It refreshes grief and guilt that I want to move past.

Bob,

Colonoscopy today. They found and removed 4 polyps, so it's good that I got it done. I'll get the results of the biopsies within two weeks. I'm not too worried about that. They also want me to get genetic testing.

I also think I have a real girlfriend. Trying not to get too excited in case it doesn't work out.

I applied at Trader Joe's today. Not sure if I really want to work or not but we could use the money.

I have a busy rest of June and July. How do I manage to have so many appointments?

That is a deceivingly large amount of things to respond to, Nomi. Not that I should respond but it was a combination of "I'm glad they found them, why the testing? woohoo! I want a girl friend, I have money for you! (not enough to help if you're looking for a job but it is what I owe you...) and *hug*"


Dear Bob,

Call me a prude or insecure or a Puritan or an insecure Puritan prude but I am honestly, to my very core, with every fiber in me, SO f****** SICK of every last thing being sexualized. Halloween. Characters on tv/in movies. Advertisements. Flipping women I see every day on the streets.

Cover up a bit more, don't show the world every last trick in your bag, and for crying out loud, learn that yes, while sex is natural (and great!) and the human body is beautiful and sensuous, I can appreciate both facts through art (that isn't necessarily trying to arouse or sell me something -either a product or a misconception- which is how I think it's different from porn) and by seeing properly clothed women who are simply gorgeous and not skanky. I don't need it shoved down my throat at every turn.

I am equally sick of being told this is my problem and this is just the way the world is, has ever been, and ever will be, get used to it. I am sick of other women especially telling me they're okay with things and I should be too. BITE. Me.

ARGH.




Sorry...

Bob,

I am so unbelievably tired of telling myself "we'll figure it out". This past month has been pretty depressing. While I finally did go full-time at work, Will got laid off. On top of that, my tooth is getting worse and I still don't have insurance. I got denied for a years worth free birth control (this might be fixable, I just have to wait until Monday to figure anything out. I have to take my cat to the vet because she's going bald, and to top everything off I just found out I need all new tires and breaks... The only good thing is a work for a dealership and get a pretty nice discount on all work.

Just uggggggh, will it ever stop?

*Twinny-hugs* That sucks, Fred. I'm so sorry it's been a crappy month.

Alea, the genetic testing is to see if I have the gene for colon cancer, I think? And that would just determine how often I have to get colonoscopies. Probably every year (if I do have the gene) compared to every three years (if I don't).

Is it more reliable than breast cancer in that sense, then? I've just heard that although in general a prevalence of cancer in the family might mean you are more likely than the general population, there are many cancers that are just as likely to strike non-genetic people as those who have the history. Does what I said make any sense whatsoever? Trying again, whether or not you have the genes or the family history, it is basically a crapshoot.

Though, phrasing it like that, I'm sorry for your discomfort this time around but if it turns out you need it every year, I'm glad you're being safe rather than sorry.

I really have no idea. Maybe I'll find out more at my next appt (Aug 3) or if I ever talk to Cath.

Bob, I'm here to request prayers/good thoughts/rain dances for my beloved state. She is on fire. We have around 12 wildfires with new ones starting every day. Between almost no snow pack, the heat, the wind and the lightning storms, not to mention all the beetle-kill trees filling our mountains, there is almost nothing we can do to stop it. They are predicting these fires will probably keep burning until it snows. Whole neighborhoods were on fire last night as one fire came over the ridge and into town in Colorado Springs. It's scary to think of the destruction that will happen over the next several months, and fire season usually doesn't start until August.

Please, Bob and pweb. Pray for rain and cooler temperatures, do a rain dance, send buckets of your water this way. We sure need it.

*Rain dance for Colorado*

Fires are scary. My grandparents in Idaho were evacuated from their house today due to brush fire. No word yet if it was damaged or not.

I wish I could send some rain down, I doubt i'll ever get my hay dry enough to bale! That's b.s. that the FAA has banned all of the old firebombers that used to save so much of the west. Most if not all of the old firebomber fleets were old to be shure but they are still safer than all the little choppers and small single engine fire planes that are in use now.

So Bob,

You know that book I was given as a gift from this group of lovely folks you're also acquainted with? It was in my backpack when I was caught in that storm. It soaked up water. It is still drying out and it is warping and I lost one message for sure but I'm now afraid of the potential for mold. If that happens, I will have to throw the book away.

Sadness. It's like the universe is trying to take every last happy Pweb connection from me.

Don't worry about mold. if you can, prop it open to the very wettest pages and stick it under your sunniest window. It will be ok. (Says the girl who has drenched more books and journals and super sentimental things in coffee and water and god only knows what else more times than she cares to remember).

Dear Bob,

My fairly certain that I have a mental disorder. I've read online and I seem to fit the bill well. After indulging myself for years, it's grown into a mild obsession. It affects my life, but not in a huge way. I doesn't affect my decisions or my general health. Also, I've been able to hide it from family and friends for a long time. I'm thinking about telling my doctor. The drugs typically prescribed have terrible side affects and that scares me! I don't think treating such a small disorder justifies the risk of the medication.

Oh Bob, I don't know what to do.

Hey Bob,
Long time no see. a lot on my mind so i'll try to be clear.
You know how people seem like they have everything together? the strong ones who you feel you could never help in a million years?
Let me say that a little bit differently. (You know the people who SEEM like they have everything together when you look at them? The strong ones who YOU feel you would never be able to help if they asked?)
Well that's me. I'm smart(looks up definition) yeah, I'm smart, and I'm very intelligent. I'm not bragging or boasting, just trying to help you understand. I'm very good at blending myself into situations to make other feels comfortable, it's a skill I enjoy having, it's just that when I have tried in the past to show others "myself" I get shot down. It's not really someone blatantly refusing to accept what I show them,(It has happened) I'ts when I show them I receive a confused look and when I try to explain, the confusion grows.
So I end up just pulling away and playing along with whatever is happening in front of me and then going off on my own when it is over or when I have had enough.
I'm lonely bob, I crave human interaction that isn't petty, with people who aren't petty, with people who understand what I'm talking about when the tone of a conversation goes into deeper subjects. People who can see straight through all the crap that's thrown at them on a daily basis. People who think about the world around them and try to figure it out. People who are not afraid to be wrong and are willing and searching for answers. (Not that I have them) Those people, to me, make life worth living.
BOB, THERE ARE TO FEW OF THESE KINDS OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD TODAY.

Bob, where did our intuition go?
-Brian

Grad school, where they live to the outside observer like ants in a toy colony.


Not that grad students can't be petty. That bit is just a fact of humanity, I think.

Bob,

I don't have much time to think this through and type it out so the Cliff's Notes version: I am struggling a bit right now (more than the normal, more general, ever-present struggle) to figure out where I fit.

Whether or not you understand or agree with my take on all things Pweb, it occuppied a lot of my time and energy and I feel like I have nowhere to direct that now. It's making me feel kind of useless/pointless/lost. I don't want to fill that hole with nothing but reading.

Bah. This is probably bothering me more than normal at the moment because I'm tired. So.So.Tired. Day 8 of work, then tomorrow, then a glorious day off...to catch up on the apartment stuff I neglected due to tiredness. *sigh*

I want a friend. I want a cause/hobby. I want my boy to not live so far that I can't see him regularly. Mostly, I just want some sleep.