Philotic Web

*hugs, hugs, hugs Steph*

Much love for you. You are awesome as a mother, and whenever it's my turn, I hope I'm half as amazing as you. Your bond will not be ruined by this, it's too strong.

*lots of hugs for Steph*

(((steph)))

I totally understand. I can't imagine being away from my kids for 2 weeks. It will be amazing for your marriage, but so hard to be away.
It's hard that you have to wean so suddenly - but you never know, you could still have milk when you get home. She and you might still be interested in restarting when you get home! Regardless, it's such an achievement to make it to one! I'm hoping to do the same with Maggie. No fomula at all for her.

Hey Bob,

I'm back again, for pretty much the only reason I do come post here anymore. Truthfully, the same reason I ended up here in the first place.

Last year at this time I wanted to be rebellious. Didn't really work out too poorly, though it was hardly a resounding success either. I'm the only person I know that has to drive for hours to others' to celebrate my birthday. Of course, I don't need to, I could just stay in my city. Treat myself to a nice dinner out, have a couple drinks, you know. Just like last year, where I had strangers pointing out the weirdness that was some dude sitting down to a $100 meal alone. They were nice about it, I even got a free birthday dessert for having to explain it, but that didn't really affect how I felt about the situation.

The problem isn't the travel. I mean, I enjoy driving my car, I'd likely spend some time driving just for the sake of driving even if I didn't have to travel anywhere. The problem is the expectations it generates. I don't expect much from anybody, no gifts or anything like that. If I'm spending hours driving to someone else for my birthday though, I expect at least to have more fun than I would've alone. That's an unhealthy expectation, I realize that, but I don't think it's unfair. If I'd rather be at home alone, getting high and playing CoD, then it's being done wrong.

Alright, quit bitching, me having fun is my own responsibility. Okay, so what do I do? We're all going to the bar and be social! Nope, sorry, we're broke, and don't like bars. Let's just stay in and drink, it's cheaper. Call it a party, it'll be exactly like every other weekend I head up, except this time it's your birthday! Yay! The area of my life that lacks most, the area of my life where I feel the most lacking, with which I need the most help, is socializing with the general public. If there's anything I want for my birthday, it's a positive public social experience. How sappy is that?

I'd settle, though, for feeling as though my time and efforts are actually worth something to somebody that isn't myself, and my employer...

Thanks for listening, Bob

And someday I may lose someone. And it has not happened yet, thank God.

This is no longer a true statement.

I'm okay. More or less. People were popping out of the woodwork for the two hours I stayed after I found out today to be supportive. Ended up leaving work early, eventually. (I found out at lunchtime and ran into a colleague I know pretty well in the hallway, who took care of clearing my schedule after very skillfully helping me realize I was in no shape to see anyone. I would have realized this myself, but I was going through a "What if I don't do everything in the world this second to care for everybody and they kill themselves?" reaction. And was just in plain shock.) Came home, having cried most of the afternoon, and bawled. Teeth couldn't stop chattering. Worst tension headache of my entire life. Took two benedryl and slept for four hours. Woke up to less shock and no headache, but still sadness and anger and guilt.

What happens when it's someone I actually know well?

Another clinician is planning to go to the funeral and invited me to go with her. Not sure. Probably will. Maybe. So, so sad. So, so sorry. Wish I'd known the magic words.

((Kirsten))

I'm so, so sorry, Kirsten. You are in my thoughts.

*many hugs to Kirsten* I'm so, so sorry.

It's so much more than magic words; this is not your fault. I'm glad you got to fall apart, because sometimes that's necessary in grieving, but please don't let this keep you torn up. You are strong, your job is difficult, people are in pain, and sometimes, all you can do is all that you did do because that pain is so much bigger than any one person- letting yourself accept that doesn't reduce that person's worth. Don't punish yourself, okay?

(((((Kirsten)))))

I'm so very sorry...

::::hugs Kirsten::::

I'm thinking of you, dear.

Hugs for Kirsten. You are amazing!

Thanks, everyone. I'm grateful.

Today, I'm alternating between Kelly Willis in my head singing "Heaven Bound" and Mary Chapin Carpenter singing, "Between Here and Gone."

Heaven Bound is a rather ambiguous song. It's obvious someone died, but who, how, and why are rather ambiguous. I've always wondered if it was about suicide, terminal illness, execution, or what. Being me, I settle on suicide. Anyhow, the lines, "In that final hour, he was just a beautiful flower/that couldn't be saved" are probably what keeps that song in my head. Also these lines which I modify slightly, "Calling all cars, one less dog behind bars/one less man in pain./ It hurts to see you go/ because darling don't you know/we were so glad you came." It's supposed to be "but darling, don't you know, we're so glad" But that's too forgiving for how I'm feeling. I was glad he was getting help. I was glad I'd have a chance to help him. I was looking forward to it. I wish he'd given me a chance. I wish he'd given himself more of a chance. I wish he'd known how much just him being alive was worth to his family, his community. I wish I'd been brilliant enough to say something that would have helped him at least hang on until our next appointment. Even though I know that whatever pulled him must have been incredibly, insanely strong. I'm not blaming myself, exactly. I went through a period of "What if I said something that triggered it..." but I don't think that's true. It's more the infinite set of "could have beens" that are pulling on me. And I can't disclose details, but I feel like I've failed his family in several ways, now, and that makes me feel useless and guilty. And sad. So, so, so sad for his family and community. And then angry at him. And then sad at the thought of how much pain he must have been suffering.

And frightened. So, so, so frightened. Who will be next? What happens when it's someone I have a stronger relationship with? How can I keep doing this? How could I possibly stop? I'm so scared. I want to do everything in my work that I can, yet I can barely keep up as it is. Maybe I'm not cut out for this. Maybe my thinking about getting into this profession was just one huge mistake from the start and I hurt more people than I help. Even though I do help people. I know that. It's just feeling helpless and useless right now. And I know it's part of the process, that feeling that way does not make it true, but it's a frightening idea.

Bob,

I was listening to the radio today and a story came on about WWI soldiers, Vimy Ridge and soldiers who never came home - and I was reminded of my grandfather (whose brother went missing in WWII). The thought crossed my mind "If I ever visit Vimy Ridge, I can't wait to tell grandpa about it..."
Then I remembered. He's gone. I won't get to talk to him ever again.

And the pain is still raw. Made me cry right there in the car.

JL

it's been years and i still miss my grandpa.

i think he haunts me from time to time. especially when i'm being lazy. i mean the man worked up until about 2 weeks before he died of cancer, at 83 he was still climbing ladders and doing carpentry. dude had super crazy work ethic. anyway, i attribute my work ethic to him and my father and sometimes i smell him. his aftershave. especially if i'm being lazy.

Dear Bob,

INTERVIEW! INTERVIEW AT SMALL PRESS FOR DREAM JOB! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It's been a week and a half since I applied and no word (I know that seems short to most people, but last time I applied for this position I got a rejection email at just about this time). I was so very sure it was going to be another heart-breaking rejection. I even talked to David about it last night, about how I was so sure it was going to be another Thanks, But No Thanks, and how defeated I feel--am I really as good as I think I am? Why can't I get in a room with people? Maybe this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing?

And I just checked my email via my phone and saw a message from Small Press and my heart plummeted because it was an email rejection last time and I figured if they wanted an interview they'd call, and I had to read the message about ten times to make sure I wasn't dreaming, but Bob, I HAVE AN INTERVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(and no, there aren't enough exclaimation points in the world!)!

Congrats and good luck!

*hugs for Jan and brain* I miss my grandma, too...



*hugs for Kelly* That's awesome!

Yay Kelly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:D:D Good show!

Kelly, I am so overjoyed for your news, I can't even express it! Yay!!!!

WOOT, kelly! good luck!

this is like employment month at pweb. what the heck

Congrats and good luck!

He took the words right out if my mouth. :)

Congrats, Kelly!

Dear Bob,

Frustrated. This week has been horrible in a variety of ways, too many to mention. So, I'm sticking to the same theme.

My coworkers are supportive. Immensely so. And they are all trying to make sure I'm aware that it's not my fault. This is because they have been where I am at, they know the feeling of guilt is part of it, and they are trying to normalize it and/or alleviate it for me. There's only so much they can do, though, to alleviate something that really is just natural. We like to believe we help people, that we have influence. And so I just don't have enough cognitive dissonance to believe that when bad things happen, I'm not a part of it. And yesterday at the funeral, it was hard. There were so many people there. And it was very hard to see so many people in pain and wonder if, just maybe, if there was something I could have said or done that would have prevented all this pain. I know it's not logical. I know that thinking in "What-ifs" is needless self-torture. So, I'm just trying to be aware of it and accept it as part of the process and hope that eventually that part of the process moves forward. It must. I believe it will. I want to do this work, and I cannot base it in fear. I just want so badly to apologize to the family. Not, "I'm sorry for your loss," but, "I'm sorry I wasn't enough. I'm sorry I couldn't say something that would have helped him stay alive for just a couple more days until I saw him again. I'm sorry I didn't know more, couldn't help more." I won't say those things. But I am sorry. I am.

Bob,

Sorry for the emotional spit-up Wednesday night; I cleaned that up, nice and properly. Wednesday, I felt worthless. Which made me feel hopeless. I get stupid when I feel hopeless. It's not much by way of explanation or apology but it's all I have.

I feel out of place in this thread, which happens from time to time, I suppose. At the moment, I feel out of place just about everywhere, though. I don't want to be at work, I don't want to be at home, I don't want to be on Pweb, I just plain don't want to be sometimes, truth be told.

Visits to the therapist haven't been happening for a bit now, due to insurance issues. I'm fighting it, the therapist is fighting it, we're not getting very far. The insurance people helped me pick him out! I don't want to pack up and find someone else quite yet. I don't feel that exact same "All is cured! I feel fantastic!" feeling when I leave these sessions, like I did last year, but I think that is more telling than the old feeling anyway.

Grandma was here for a week recently. She revealed I am the joke of the family in San Diego. "Look at Alea now, your special child, the one you guys were all so proud of because she was the first to go to and complete four year university, you all thought she was so smart, and this and that, blah blah blah. Just look at her now." Thanks for telling me, Grandma. That was so helpful and necessary for me to know.

It fed into this bitterness and resentment I have. The bitterness with regard to...a lot of things but lately, the fact that it seems like the world is rubbing it in my face I make so little money. Older brother, with less education, makes twice as much as I do. Younger brother, same type of education (with worthless BA to boot!) makes twice as much as I do. Yes, be grateful I have a job but it pains me, pains me to see how much everyone else can do while I'm stuck in this hellhole (my house with my mom's overly and constantly angry boyfriend; my job that I would otherwise enjoy so much more if it weren't for the worthless coworker who makes me resent so much; my city; my state). My one hope, the money in my savings to get me to Chicago, takes so much sacrifice (right, shut up, stop bitching, personal choice here) and in the end, I am making such impossibly slow progress. But hey, everyone I know, it seems, makes SO MUCH MORE THAN I DO, I should stop being bitter and celebrate, right? That makes me a bitch, I'm pretty sure. I have to be honest with myself, though, if nothing else. I hate money.

Less than a month to go for Operation Freedom One. I have a rough draft of my letter to the judge started but I don't know what to say. I've thought about what I would say for the entire past three years up to this point but now that it's time to lay it all out, I can't make the words make sense.


Blegh. This isn't very cohesive, eloquent, or otherwise new or interesting. I feel like I've been in one giant loop for most of my life, that nothing is ever going to really change, and that people have just got to wake up and see me for what I really am instead of what they wished I was. I am a mess, I am selfish, I am bitter and resentful and unkind and angry and I'm tired. Bob, I keep waiting for the world to give up on me, so I can follow suit.

I don't know. Maybe the words I'm looking for are "I am unhappy, confused, and lost."

Call anytime, my dear. I miss you. (I also make a LOT less than you, I promise.)

hey bob,

just thought i'd update you about my job.

today was my first day and it was alright. right away i'm doing 10 hour days due to overtime. so the long days will take some getting used to. still, the money will be flippin' sweet! thank god i got comfortable steel toed boots cuz i'm standing pretty much the entire time which will also take some getting used to.

while today i didn't get to do much electrical stuff, i did related work that was mechanical in nature which was fun too. felt so good to get my hands dirty at a job again.

the people i'm working with are cool, and the job is right up my alley. so my nerves are gone now. thank goodness.
still have things to worry about, but they're minor and completely in my control. so pretty much i just have to worry about ME f******' it up. so here's hoping. really i just have to learn the ins and outs of how they do things and learn the way they write schematics. and then make sure i'm working fast while not screwing up.

i got to learn some new stuff, and use a tool i've never used before. overall, it was a pretty good day. though i'm tired and sore, i'm satisfied.

Dear Bob,

I am tired. And hungry. And scared. And annoyed.

Dear Bob,

I have that manic, sickly, over-caffeinated feeling. Although I have only had one cup of coffee today. Ideally I find out if I make the second round of interviews today for the Dream Job position (300 applicants, they interviewed 8 of us, they are hoping to narrow it down to 2 today, and to make a final decision by Wednesday).

I haven't heard a word yet. It's possible that they are still making up their minds and we won't hear until tomorrow. But with each hour that passes I'm becoming more and more hysterical. Because I really don't know if I'm prepared to deal with the fact that I might not get this job.

In other news, my end date for my current position with the state is Wednesday, April 6th. They just told us that THIS MORNING. Thanks!

They are opening up 3 new part-time positions that they want us to apply for. Basically, the same job we're doing now, but less hours. We'd earn vacation and sick leave, but the jury is still out on health benefits. We also have to compete with the rest of the division for the positions, even though we are the ONLY people trained in the program, because of the unions. (That also means there's a very large chance that we won't be hired, because we don't have seniority. They best we can do is cross our fingers and hope no one else wants the position). I don't want that job anyway. But I suppose a back up plan is critical.

I am actually sick to my stomach. PLEASE, SMALL PRESS, JUST LET ME KNOW THE DEAL ASAP.

Dear Bob,

Why is it that every couple-friends we make never have a geeky girl? I'm always stuck in this annoying spot where I want to hang out with other women, but I don't roll my eyes at the men and their comic-book discussing, sci-fi loving ways! I want to be in that conversation too!
Why can't we meet people who are like us where BOTH of them are into geeky things? I know these couples exist. There are a few on this board!


JL

*hugs for Jan* Keep trying!

In the meanwhile, Jan, you can send any single geeky girls you encounter my way.

Bob,

(In two hours) Three years ago, today...

And now I'm staring down three more weeks.

Almost done.

I can't believe it's been three years.

Dear Bob,

On Thursday morning, I more or less had a nervous breakdown. Confluence of events. Antidepressant withdrawal due to my doctor's idiotic back-up and my stupid insurance company. Hormones. Tons of stress and pressure at work. Actually, earlier that week, I was not able to go into work Monday morning due to multiple anxiety attacks that I would open my email and find out that I killed someone else. Understand, I know that is not a true characterization of what happened. It's the hysterical, anxiety-attack characterization. Anyhow, moved past that Monday afternoon, but still, it was kind of a signal that something was going to give. That and my relentless irritability on Wednesday.

So, Thursday. Husband called into work for me claiming stomach flu, as I was not able to stop bawling (and occasionally screaming and kicking the bed. Which was an improvement over the part where I was throwing things -- nothing breakable or at anybody, by the way -- and he was trying gently to restrain me for fear of me hurting self/property. Which I'm not entirely sure was necessary, and not entirely sure was not.) Have been more or less avoiding everything except video games since then. Started trying to make myself deal with life tonight, as I have to deal with it very seriously tomorrow. And next week.

Yes, I know. I should probably see a professional. Hell, apparently there's some therapist in town that sees practically every one of the colleagues I am close to at work.

I need a plan. And to make progress on some things. I'll probably feel more confident when I do that. If I can do that.

Guilt guilt guilt guilt fear pressure guilt guilt guilt.

Thursday morning was a side of myself I am not familiar with. I know I scared my husband; it scared me. I am not a person who normally completely loses it. I am not even a person who occasionally completely loses it. Crying? Yes. Not for terribly long periods of time, but a reasonable and probably healthy amount. Throwing things? Never. Wanting desperately to pull out my hair and claw my way out of my skin? Not since a whole lifetime ago.

Need to make some changes. Need to make some real and serious changes to my life. And, anyhow, trying to deal with stuff tonight, even slightly, scares me a lot. Too much. Left it too long.

But, well, the morning is wiser than the evening. I will hope to sleep well tonight and try to behave wisely tomorrow.

*hugs Kirsten*

I really hope that you can find help via medicine and/or therapists soon.