Philotic Web

Dear Bob,

I'm a little bit pathetic today.

Dear Bob,

I had a major anxiety attack/depressed meltdown today.

Over money.

Fun little thing in our premaritcal care stuff -- we were just discussing the other day financial issues and what money means to us. And to me, based on the little quiz thinger, over and above all, money = security.

And, basically, a lot of the wedding bills got paid this week, plus the rent, and I went and looked at the amount of money now in savings/checking and just about had a heart attack.

It took so long for me to save it all. And *poof,* there goes half of it just like that.

And I feel really, really, really bad for this because I love my fiance very much and I hate feeling this way, but, damnit, there is a big part of me that is feeling resentful that, well, really, it was my money. I mean, it was our money. This is the first time I have really ever resented the money in the savings account going to an expense that would benefit both of us or even mainly him. I have never resented spending money to fix his car. Ever. But I am a tiny bit resentful that it's my money that's paying for the majority of this. Even though it is not his fault in any way, shape, or form. I earned it. I saved it very carefully, paycheck by paycheck, socking 15% away minimum and then anything left over.

And I'm also scared because I wasted today being lazy and my job is on the line and right now the two of us really are depending on me, financially.

And I've been struggling with feeling worthless and lazy today. Feeling so undeserving of the joy every one is expressing about our wedding and the trouble they are going to because I feel so lazy and useless.

It's getting to me, I guess. Stress.

Anyhow, D helped me to breathe again and get through the huge crying spell that came with it and I love him love him love him and that's why I don't like the part of me that resents spending the money for our wedding, because when that kind of panic came before he was in my life, there's a damned good chance I would've taken it out on my own flesh.

Money.

There was never enough, growing up. I was a spoiled only child (till age 12) in some ways, but not materially. My parents took food stamps for a while when I was about 5. A car got repossessed. Mom always fretted at home about her job. I sound like her a lot when I talk about work stress.

One of the worst moments of my life was when I thought I had $80 to my name to last the summer. I ended up miraculously landing a job in financial aid, but I will never forget that moment. Because I was unabashedly bawling as I was walking along campus. I left the building doing just fine, in seemingly good spirits, and then just broke down.

I do not want to wonder if I have enough. I want to know there is enough if need be. My favorite thing about being post-school has been watching money accrue in savings instead of dwindle throughout the year.

We will rebuild it. We will. And it's worth it, oh, God, it's worth it.

And I have to get my ass in gear regarding work because we are depending on me right now. And that's frightening. And I feel inadequate to that task.

It's not even like we're that broke. I've done the calculations a gazillion times. There is still a substantial amount of money. But I know right off where at leaswt $1,000 is going, plus those unexpected expenses.

We can do this. It will be okay. It will be worth it. If I work hard and make it worth it.

*double post*

Feeling somewhat better this morning/afternoon. Eye is back on the ball and all that. Up at work ready to chew up some more elephant and then go shopping for last minute-y things.

Worked some last night on the roman numeral pages of my dissertation (e.g., Table of Contents, Permissions Page, etc.) That helped a little bit, too.

Peeking in the garment bag where my wedding dress is hiding in my closet definitely helps.

Having wedding dreams pretty well every other night now. Last night involved the photographs not working out like they were supposed to.

Trying to ignore feelings/thoughts of being a failure and waste as a human being, totally unworthy of all the attention/love being showered on me from up North. Not so hard to ignore today.

The problem is that I am such a people pleaser and am, at the same time, so disorganized and shy.

But I can work on these things when I get back. And even if the love I give to people is best given in the moment rather than via following through on giving addresses, it's genuine, damnit.

Back to realization I had a few years ago when I realized I had been feeding myself a huge line of bullshit about why relationships would not be good for me. I am meant to love people. I am good at loving people. I was created to care about people.

Back to realization I had when I barely made the plane to my grandfather's funeral in New York and had burst into sobs up front by the cockpit and was led into a seat in the back row by myself by the nicest flight attendants I have ever known, "Why is it so hard to believe someone loves you?"

And, now, onward to the plain fact my mother has been trying to drum into me for the past several years about the key to organization within an organization, "Get them their damn paperwork!"

Dear Bob,
Life update pending. Hope all is well!


-Nick

Bob,
It was a surprisingly good weekend, despite many things working against it. Though I think I might be getting sick.

Bob,

I think I might also be getting sick.

Dangit, dangit, dangit.

Bob,

I feel like this is me asking for a backhand from the universe at large -and I have an idea on the timetable for that delivery- but I had to tell you: I am happy.

It scares the crap out of me, I have no idea how long it will last and I'm trying not to care about that, but I am happy.

Just thought you should know, since I'm always in here complaining.

Dear Bob,

I was doing a project earlier today, and I realized Leonardo DiCaprio has a really cool little beard/mustache thing going on.

Bob,

I'm not doing well today. When I was putting the boys to bed last night, I left Kinley in my room. She's scooting around, but not crawling and I thought she'd have plenty of toys to keep her entertained. Instead of playing in my room, she managed to make it out of my room, down the hall and I heard the "thump, thump, thump" and screams as she rolled down the stairs. I haven't pulled out my baby gate yet because she's not crawling and I'm always careful not to leave her next to the stairs. I should have had the gate up or closed my door or something. She is scooting a LOT and I should have taken more precautions. She seems to be fine, but that's not the point. The point is: it could have been serious. The point is: if she's struggling in school or anything as she gets older, I'm always going to wonder if I hadn't let her fall down the stairs when she was a baby, would this still be a struggle. The point is: it could have been fatal. I don't deserve to be her mother. She deserves someone who can keep her safe.

Bob,

1. So apparently, I'm starting college in 16 days, studying CS. I wasn't freaked out by this - in fact, that's just what I wanted - until I took a quick look at the math rehearsal PDF file for my department (a quick file with summaries of math subjects I need to know) and saw stuff I never learned before, like Induction or Infinite Series'. And now I'm terrified of the failure.

2. F*ck the army. Why station me so far away from home, when I have a university at, say, a 15 minute walk away from home?! dammit.

something really small and stupid set me off and I just went down this insane spiral of out of control emotions and horrible coping mechanisms and like, I just feel so, so thoroughly horrible right now in every conceivable way and I can't make it stop and am really scared I'm going to start crying and or throwing things which would be bad because I'm at work, and what the hell is HAPPENING because I cannot handle a meltdown of this magnitude right now.

something really small and stupid set me off

Was it dropping the pasta? *hug*

Sadly, Nomi, it was. Such a small, stupid thing that triggered SO MUCH UNPLEASANTNESS. I feel foolish, but I can't help it. I think I've just been keeping some things pent up and they sought any excuse to get out.

I'm calmer now, but really drained, and still a little sad and upset.

Bob.

I'm so very anxious. So anxious that my back teeth are tingling. I'm trying to decide if I'm a freak of nature or if it's atypical presentation of an MI. This is going to be a very long month.

Love,

Helen

Bob,

I figure if there's anywhere to document the slow rupture of my psyche it'd be here. I've barely done anything this weekend. I mean, I've put a good few hours towards my studies, but that's only a small portion of the time that I've had. In itself, that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Based on the 20 hours of sleep I've sucked in over the past 2 days I'd say I needed the break. There's a limit, though, to how much alone time one needs. I've spent the last half hour caught in a mental stalemate trying to decide what to do with myself. "Go get some coffee, bring a book, normal people do that;" I hear from the left. "You're either gonna buy something tasty that will make you uncomfortable for the rest of the evening or tea that you can make at home; paying for the privilege of sitting awkwardly alone at a cafe?" Life was easier when my stomach didn't play a factor into whether or not I go out for a drink. No, that's a lie, now I just have a better excuse.

I lay in bed for hours this morning, just so I didn't have to get dressed. Just to feel skin. Warmth. Occasionally drifting off to the comforting thought that the hand I felt was not my own. I often quote Robbie Williams' "Feel" as it tends to describe this emotion rather well. I need to connect. The thought of finally getting a pet has crossed my mind for this reason, but my residence isn't exactly suitable for pet living. No, I need to connect with a human being. Not text on a computer screen, not voices through a phone; a real human being. I need to not be so unique for once. I want to have a regular conversation without the pretense of me having a full tank of gas ready to go.

And I know that all that stands between me and attaining that is myself. I know that I'm the only one holding myself back. Why? 'cause I haven't liked any of my relationships. If I'm not being used, abused, or manipulated it isn't a real relationship. "Oh, but you're just as manipulative if not more!" you say, to which I reply "All the more reason!"

If I'm with the nerds I'm a god, the jocks and I'm a loser. Neither group appeals to me, so that's fine; but that leaves my selection rather limited. I feel as though I'm left with a choice between Sheldon Cooper and Moose Mason. Not bad people, but certainly not my best friends; not personalities that attract me in a woman either. I don't want to spend my time with people who want to be me. I've been me. I want to spend time with people who want to be them so I can see who that is. Yeah I think it's great that everyone looks to me for guidance, or as a person with an opinion of value. I'm glad you all think I've got it all figured out so well, I've tried really hard to make that happen. Well, that and I really have figured quite a bit of it out. That's not the point, though.

The point is that I'm the only reason I'm so damned alone, and it's because I've lost all desire to mentor. I really don't know what I'm talking about. That's the only relationship skill I perfected. I make an excellent listener, voice of reason, guide. I'm good at that. For other people. I'm just not strong enough for myself. But, if I'm still helping these people reach base camp how are they ever going to help me to the top? They're not. Sadly, they're not. I'm exhausted from pulling that damn rope for them. And that's precisely why my climbing troupe is not open to new members - I'm tired of wasting my time helping you get to the point we should all be reaching with ease.

Yes, you read it here. Arrogance, narcissism, and deep-set insecurities all in a single post! Congrats to me.

--Cam

Dear Diary,

That's a funny-lookin' "Bob".

Bob,

I don't get college. What's so different about it? It's high school with a roommate and no mom to bring home food. Everyone seems so young here. And they are, but it's starting high school all over again, where I expect so much more from people, but then realize that a summer between high school and college doesn't drastically change most people. I feel like it doesn't help that my suite mates are all very.. I'm not sure what a good word is for it. They're definitely pretty morally sound. On top of that, half of them freak out with any expletives are used in the suite. One of them literally told an RA that their room was a "curse free zone." I'm not really profane by any stretch of the imagination, but it's really weird being conscious about those types of things again. I went to a Ludacris concert, and while before this summer I probably would have been slightly amused and slightly disgusted by it, it was actually really liberating, surprisingly.

But the thing is, I don't do anything here. I wake up and go to class, but I don't feel productive in any way. There's no motivation for me to do well, or to try. I failed my first organic chemistry test (though actually, I did about average on it, and I was really sick for the two days leading up to it and the day of the test--but no excuses, I know..), and I don't feel much motivation to learn that material that I didn't properly retain and I'm having a hard time doing the problem sets for the test coming up soon. Homework isn't due for most of my classes, so I don't do it.. And even when it is due, I don't feel any motivation to do it right. I just put down whatever comes first without really checking if I'm doing anything correctly. I spend time with people, friends, I guess. They're people I've met, and I like, but it feels so shallow. I feel like I act so close to them without even knowing anything about them. I don't feel like it's necessary to keep up with my friends back home unless I'm feeling homesick.

I feel like I'm complaining too much, though.. I do enjoy my life here, but I feel like I did for the first half of summer, like nothing is permanent. Everything feels so transient. I've done some really uncharacteristic things, and it's so strange because I've found that I really don't care what outcome and consequences those things have. It's kind of scary. I planned out my proposed degree plan for the next four years, and if I wanted to, I could major in chemical engineering with a concentration in nanoscience and minors in mathematics and physics without ever taking more than 16 hours a semester. And only doing so twice. But I really wonder whether I'll have the drive to do so. And I keep wondering about what I want to do after college. MBA, med school, law school, grad school, or work? I have no clue what I want to do with my life. And although I'm very happy that I ended my relationship because it needed to be ended, I can't help but feel really insecure now sometimes. Sometimes, I feel like I'm free to try and do so many things, but other times I really miss the security of knowing someone will be there. And, it's not like I can't date new people now, but I really don't want to be in a relationship so soon after I ended my last one, but I'm just a little confused about the whole thing in general.

Bob, I just have so much on my mind. I think all the time. I've had nights where I couldn't fall asleep because I just kept thinking about everything going on in my life and all of the people and it really bothers me that I can't just plan everything out. And on a completely different note, why do women intimidate me so much? Every one of the friends I have made here outside of my suite mates have been male. I just can't talk to girls at all. Half of them act too air-headed for me to respect them, and the other ones just really intimidate me, and I don't know how to carry on a conversation with them. And the people here are so diverse in maturity and interests and it is a wonder to me how all of them were accepted to the same college and will do such different amounts and levels of work while here at State, and yet still walk the same stage at the end of it.

I don't know, Bob. It's weird not having those relationships I built up over years here. It's strange that I came here only knowing two people, who I only knew by association to my ex. My mom got a job here in North Carolina, and that's one less link to College Station. And my dad is gone half of the year when he's out working, and his girlfriend moved three hours away from where we live, so who knows what he's going to do with his life? But I don't want to lose the place where the first 19 years of my life were spent. And I'm going to be 19 in 10 days, and that's really weird because I feel both older and younger than 19, and I don't really know how to feel about it. I first posted on this site August 25, 2005, or something like that. That's so long ago.. What have I done since then? I feel like I'm just going on and on at this point, but I just have so much to say and no one to say it to anymore. I really just don't know what to do with myself right now. So I think I'll go to sleep.

Night, Bob.

Bob,

And then there were four.

A few weeks ago, I spoke with my supervisor about something happening today that would involve me possibly double-booking and if turned out that way, would I have back up? "Yes, just designate one of us as your backup for _____________." Great. Double-booking complete.

Fast forward to yesterday, at which point I'm staring at my desk, about ready to pass out from exhaustion, when I realized I had no backup. None.

We're down to four today. If one group doesn't bail on me -which normally one would but to get a good laugh from the universe, I know they won't today- I'm f******. I cannot do both, it's impossible.


At least I'm so tired, I might not care so much. Right? Oy. Work.

Bob.

My wedding photographer is pregnant. Yay, right? Wrong. Wedding date: June 10, 2011. Due date June 13, 2011.

Guess what else Bob.

My grandmother is being lifeflighted to a level one trauma center. Ruptured brain aneurysm.

Bob.

My wedding photographer is pregnant. Yay, right? Wrong. Wedding date: June 10, 2011. Due date June 13, 2011.

Ouch.

Hope your grandma will be ok.

Bob.

The dining room chairs we registered for have been discontinued.* The f****** dining room chairs.


ETA: I found this out while waitiing for her to get out of surgery.

I'm pretty sure stores look at what's on registries to see what they're going to discontinue.

"Hmm... these seem popular. Let's axe them."

Bob,

I've been here before and I've felt this before, and the mental split screen was divided into three panels, two of which match perfectly.

That will likely make sense to no one but me, I know my friends will be curious, but you know what? This is all they're getting now and this is all they'll get later.

Dear Bob,

It was a beautiful wedding, if I do say so myself.

My dad cried. My husband cried. I cried. Friends and family cried. My brother nearly lost it trying to sing his solo during the unity candle ceremony and when we were handing out roses to our mothers/grandmother.

More to follow.

I really hope you're going to share pictures!!!

*excited*

Dear Bob,

SQUEEEEEEEEEE! Tell Kirsten I'm really excited!

:D:D Yayay Dr. Mrs. Zona

Congrats to the happy couple! Live long and prosper!

so quick trip rundown as I'm too tired to type very sensibly:

1. 1:20AM encounter with more police than I've ever seen before as apparently someone was on top of our building. I am released because I am white, had a business card that backed up my story and was wearing a donald duck shirt.
2. 1:40AM on the road to San Francisco
3. 3:45AM - stop for gas and beef jerky and leg stretching, Renee too tired to drive.
4. 6:45AM - Renee falls asleep, I plan on looking for a hotel if we don't get to the 580 soon two miles later we hit the five eighty and I finally start to get tired.
5. 7:50AM - find apartment park, brush teeth collapse into bed to...
6. 10:45aM - wake up get ready to leave
7. 11:15am - leave to drive to train station
8. 11:30am - get on BART
9. 11:50am - get off at Berkeley
10. 12:00pm - determine Cheeseboard is a mile away, eat pizza anyway because it's pretty much the first food place we come to. follow it up with Ben and Jerry's for dessert
11. 12:20pm - catch shuttle up to stadium.
12. 12:30pm - get to stadium, kickoff happens. get lost trying to find 'free' seating on the hill above the stadium. I'm wearing a red usc shirt, this is bad apparently. The hill is about a 60 degree grade and we both feel like mario trying to run up a steep hill only to slide down on his belly (though more like we slid down on our butts). Renee's friend finds us, we somehow manage to get down the hill to him and he leads us about fifty feet further down before we go back up the hill. We somehow manage to get up there, there is chanting about my shirt and renee's shirt but it goes away and no one throws beer. Sitting on the hill is miserable because it's uncomfortable and so steep you're more or less using your feet to keep yourself sitting so all your weight is on your feet the whole time. We are thrilled when the game is over
4:00pm - half price books! yay! I really wanted to buy the beautiful HC edition of Greenwitch they had (even signed by Susan Cooper!) but managed to get away buying only a Jack Vance book. I rationalized this that if I bought one of the dark is Rising in HC I would be obligated to buy all the rest. And wow, did seeing the gorgeous cover art for Greenwitch bring back childhood memories of the library version of the book, which I hadn't seen for years and years. and had very worn and faded coverart.
4:15pm - Bart back to car, car back to house, showers and changing and watch a bit of the usc football game while waiting on the women until
6:45pm - leave in car to drive into SF, across the bay bridge and then through all sorts of wretched SF traffic and insane one way streets to get to our restaurant only to find they don't have valet parking. doh.
7:45pm - dinner at Canteen- OMG! what an incredible great, marvelous amazing restaurant, it was better than my birthday dinner at Jose Andres the Bazaar. mmmm
9:30pm - drive to some hotel that has some 39th floor drinks lounge called the View. it was pretty we were exhausted and were like, 'yeah,pretty' and didnt' even order proper drinks, only two of us got even a beer and since I'd been doing all the driving I stuck with water.
10:15pm - drive home. only about 25-35 minutes but some of the longest driving I've ever had to do. Gods it felt three times as long.
11:00pm -finally thankfully wonderfully asleep.

Sunday was much more low key, we got up around 10 or so, then went and grabbed a local lunch that was more or less indifferent. we walked around a bit there then went back to the house to plan what to do, we decided on the palace of fine arts, and we'd drive the scenic route rather than bay bridge, which would take us over the golden gate bridge southbound into SF. except the damn airplane blue angels show was on and there was nothing but bumper to bumper traffic in all of SF with no parking to be had anywhere.

after about two hours in traffic, we just parked illegally quickly snapped some pics of the palace and went to the other side of the city to the union square place, they have a really cool williams sonoma, and a really big macys, I got renee a locket for fourth month anniversary and we the split with our traveling companions so we could take on the joyous prospects of the seven hour drive back (longer drive back because traffic around SF in the daytime. :-p) This time though Renee spelled me for about a hour and ahalf to two hour section of the driving which was very helpful. we got back to my apartment right around midnight and once again fell into exhausted sleep.

whirlwind weekend.

Bob,

Wow, pweb is slllooooooooowwww these past couple days. I guess people are as distracted as I am?
I am tired of being in transition. I just want this new city to be home. I wish there was a magical friend wand I could wave and I would have someone I could call to hang out, someone I could call to babysit and someone I could have an excuse to clean my house over.
I'm feeling a bit trapped. The bus system here is horrible and we don't have a car. I don't really know where anything is in the city, so I'm a bit worried to just take off on the bus with a toddler. If I was by myself, I'd be happy to explore, but with a kid, I just don't have the luxury of getting lost.
I don't really know how to exist in the rain. My default is to stay home when it's raining, but I know I won't be able to do that for much longer, cause it's going to start getting more and more rainy as we head into winter.

*sigh*

Whine, whine, whine. I just wanna go HOME.

-JL

Bob,
I am tired of being in transition. I just want this new city to be home.

Ditto for me but substitute congregation for city. It's been four months since I had to move over and I still feel like I'm just waiting to move back.

Dear Bob,

I'm feeling stuck right now. I mean, don't get me wrong, where I am in life is good. But, where I want to go is better. It's so close, but it's just out of reach.

One of my professors made the analogy that 3rd year of vet school is like being 15. You're on the precipice and you want to grow up so bad but you just can't. You're not quite there. I think it's more like being 14. At least in 4th year, you have a learner's permit! You see real, live animals every day! (We did get to play with live animals today. I caught and cuddled baby goats today!)

Bob,

My first physical challenge for ROTC involved being driven in the back of a van to "A" Mountain, let out to stretch, and then made to complete a series of tasks along the run up to the top. The first task was to place your forehead on a baseball bat and spin X amount of times before having to do the first stretch of the run.

It seems such a simple thing to overcome, dizziness, and you can see the path in front of you that you need to take but making your feet go in that direction is still a struggle. Just as you start to adjust to that first obstacle, you're running uphill right into another one. You make it through, of course, but you're a little more tired and still running up a flipping mountain. And they just keep coming, these obstacles and some you just can't excel at, you're hurting so badly, but you finish them as best as you can until you're at the top, you're where you intended to be all along. And you're looking out, the sun is rising, the city is waking up, and if you look to your side, there's at least one person who went through obstacles to get to the same place as you did and who can appreciate all that you've survived.



I'm ready to see the sun rising and the city wake up again, but I sure as hell don't need anyone there beside me when I finish. I am a little dizzy right now but I know the path I'm taking. It's the only thing I'm sure of anymore.